Author's Note

Drugs are not kewl.

1. Milk Money

The Hustle and bustle of Baltimare was almost intoxicating, the thousands of Ponies on the move made it perfect for an outing. A brown stallion was leaning on the wall of a run down apartment building, his denim jacket keeping his appearance modest at best. Underneath his jacket was a stained T-shirt and his pants were just torn jeans. He thanked Celestia that he was hiding himself in an alleyway. His fiancee would kill him if she knew he was wearing his current ensemble in public. He coughed nervously as he peered out the right end of the alleyway. His order was supposed to come at this location, but so far he hadn’t seen any delivery.

“You’re the client, right?” The stallion turned around as fast as a bullet, sweat immediately pouring down his muzzle. The figure behind him was a light green stallion with a dark green mane. He wore a brown trench coat that covered his navy blue collared shirt. Overall, his appearance was clean, his brown khaki’s had no wrinkles and his dress shoes were shined. The mystery stallion stared down the brown stallion with his ivory eyes. The figure was imposing as he was professional, his expression conveying that he intended to kill if anything went wrong. “Well?” He inquired, the brown stallion shaping up.

“U-Um, y-yes, are you Herb Shop?” The brown pony questioned, but quickly shut his mouth as the stallion got closer.

“Anypony ever tell you to keep quiet!” Herb Shop hissed as his eyes looked into the brown stallion’s blue ones. Herb eased up and leaned on the wall opposite of his client, fiddling his pockets for an item. “Are you Steel Grip?”’

“Uh huh.” Steel Grip squeaked.

“Calm down kid, I ain’t no undercover guard, just a colt who wants to ease someponies up.” Herb spoke with a somber tone, his voice was gravelly and sounded sour. He took out a glass box filled with a light purple substance. Steel Grip’s eyes practically bulged out of his sockets when he spotted the box.

“Is that it... Is that ‘Purple Dream’?” He asked softly.

“Yup, the good stuff, you need a way to relieve stress, smoke some Purple Dream.” Herb held up the glass box, half admiring his creation, half observing what Steel Grip would do. The brown stallion slowly moved towards the box, but Herb Shop lifted up the box and held out his other hand. “Hold on slick, first, the milk money.” He smirked, gesturing with his hand. Steel Grip only had a confused look as he eyed the green stallion, causing Herb to groan. “Just give me the bits, Bud.” Steel understood then and pulled out a pouch of bits.

The trade was then made, Herb Shop had a bag of bits to spend and Steel Grip had some Purple dream. Steel observed the box and made sure to find the lid so he could open it later. Herb Shop looked at the stallion while he started counting the bits in the bag. “What did you want the stuff for anyway?” he asked.

Steel glanced back and cleared his throat, “I’m just dealing with some stress right now, need something to cope, so I got in touch with a friend and he pointed me to you.”

“Friend?”

“Yeah, a friend, you probably don’t remember him, he got some Dream from the mail when you still did that, at least, from what I heard.”

“Ah, the glory days, alright, what’s the stress though? Don’t take it personally, but you don’t seem to be the stallion to get easily stressed.”

“T-Thanks, I’m getting married soon, my fiancee’s been giving me a tough time.” Herb chuckled at that, “What?”

“Nothing, just finding it funny how most of my clients have problems with their spouses.” Herb glanced back at Steel, who had his down,”Ey, calm down, I don’t mean anything by it, in fact, I don’t really care that much.” He explained crassly as he looked up to the sky. Celestia once again made a perfect sunny day, much to the drug dealer's dismay, a clear day made it more likely to get caught by the guards.

"Listen, I know you need to go, but I gotta thank you for this, really." Steel Grip said out of the blue, catching Herb Shop off guard, snapping him out of his cloud watching.

"Why's that?" He asked, his curiosity getting the best of him again.

"My friend says you sell the cleanest stuff around, gives you a kick yet doesn't harm you, right?" Steel looked hopefully out Herb Shop, his friend had spoken highly of the drug's effects. Herb Shop gave a grim smile and chuckled at the question.

"No, it can still fuck with you. Too many blunts can cause serious migraines and muscle spasms, but you'll be lucky to even get that." Steel Grip looked worried as he wiped some sweat from his brow.

"W-What do you mean?"

"You see, if you're a nut and smoked more than at least two blunts within an hour, you'll be so dazed that you might make decisions you wouldn't normally make. Thankfully for you, the amount you have won't cause any of those problems... Unless you ration that shit out." With that said, Herb Shop stopped leaning on a wall and began to walk away from the scene. As entertaining as it was to watch Steel Grip squirm, Herb had one last pony to to see before the day ended.

"Thank you!" Steel Grip shouted out to the departing stallion. Herb Shop groaned and continued his brisk pace. He had a friend to meet, to meet and to say goodbye.

The BHC

It took a long carriage ride, but Herb Shop finally arrived at the apartment complex in the more run down part of the city. Herb went up the stairs to the second floor and went to the third door on his left. He pressed his ear to the door, sometimes there would be some commotions that would go on in his friend's apartment. There was no sound, however, so he opened the door and entered the room. To his left was an elderly stallion in his mid seventy's, practically sleeping in a chair propped up near the rundown walls.

"Ok Mr. Clam." A voice came from the right of the room. Out of a door came a beige Unicorn with a short brown mane, holding a small bottle of pills and a note. His red eyes focused on Herb through his circular glasses, allowing him to clearly see the green stallion near the door. "Ah, Herb, I didn't expect you to visit today." The Unicorn walked over to a table and placed the bottle and note on it. He was well dressed, wearing a dark gray buttoned shirt with some suspenders. The beige stallion also wore some black pants and dress shoes.

"What, I can't visit the great Dr. Sawbones, proud founder of the Baltimare Health Club?" Herb questioned in a joking tone, grinning at Sawbones's clear discomfort about the topic. Sawbones walked over to the old stallion and tapped him on the shoulder. The stallion awoke with a loud snort and looked around the room, a glazed look adorned his eyes. He looked at Herb for a second, but shaped up and completely set his attention on Sawbones.

"Do you have my pills, Doc?" The stallion asked, almost as if he was pleading for Sawbones to give them to him.

"Yes indeed," Sawbones grabbed the bottle and the note, "Now remember, the medicine is from Zebrica, so I wrote this note in our traditional language so you know how to take them. Basically, just take two once every 24 hours, the effects should kick in throughout the day." The old pony nodded his head and walked out of the room. As he passed Herb Shop, the drug dealer caught a whiff of the old stallion, cheap whiskey and the smell of tobacco. Once he left, Herb Shop pinched his snout.

"Celestia's sake, is the colt homeless or something?" He asked, waving his hand in the air to get rid of the scent.

Sawbones chuckled "Some days he's a little more clean, today was one of his bad days."

"Doesn't answer my question, Doctor." Once again, Sawbones chuckled, "So, what problems does he have?"

"Nothing, he's just a pill pusher, he comes in with 50 different symptoms each time."

"Damn, you'd think you wouldn't give him any pills."

"He pays the monthly payment, I have to deliver. But enough about him, what's the big event that warrants a visit from Herb Shop." Herb took off his trench coat and hung it up on a rack in the corner of the room. Once he was sitting down, Herb reached into his right pocket and pulled a blunt filled with his Purple Dream. What he was about to say was going to be tough for him, plus, he knew Sawbones would start throwing a conniption when he hears. Taking his lighter out of his left pocket, he lit the cigar and took a long drag. Within a couple seconds, his muscles relaxed and his entire state of mind was calm, Herb chuckled as colors started to slowly drift into the room.

"Al... Alright, let's get down to buissss, business." Herb focused on Sawbones, who suddenly had a neon purple mane.

"Hmm, let's see, this obviously isn't a matter of business." Sawbones stated.

"R-R-Right, so," Herb took another moment to smoke, "We've known each otherrrrr for awhile, since you used to do my check ups-check ups when I was a colt. However, I've decided that, even though I-I-I-I've enjoyed my 27 years here, I am goinggg to mooove."

Silence encompassed the room after Herb managed to croak out his speech, no matter how short an impromptu it was. Sawbones looked a little shocked, but his face mostly conveyed sadness. He had known "Herb Shop" when he was a little colt, before he even made the identity. It was comforting to know that he had somewhat guided the colt in life, but now he was going away.

"Oh... Well, this is startling, when did you decide this?" Herb had coughed a few times, but this was a good sign to Sawbones, this meant he would be able to speak coherently.

"I've decided to put my degree to use and got a job at a school in a small town. It's pretty far from here though, so I'm gonna have to stay there if I want to work there." Herb said, now staring at the floor as he held his blunt in his mouth.

"Do you even have a place to live?" Sawbones asked worryingly.

"Ugh, relax mom, I have some pen pals in the town who are willing to let me stay rent free, as long as I work for them on the weekends."

"Work for them?"

"They own a flower shop or something. Look, I'll still be dealing there anyway, so I'll probably have a house within a few months." He looked at Sawbones, who was genuinely humbled to see the young colt he mentored become so independent. He walked to Herb, memories of their time flashing before him as he held out his hand.

"Well, Shrub Pot," Sawbones referred to Herb by his real name, "It's been a pleasure to see you grow up to the fine stallion you are now. A shake to the new future you make for yourself." Herb-no, Shrub Pot grasped his friend's hand and shook it firmly. Their hands parted, allowing for Shrub to stand up to stretch his body. "So where exactly are you heading off to anyway?"

"Ponyville-" Shrub couldn't say anymore as he was pinned to the wall by the other lanky stallion in the room. Sawbones had a firm grip on the collar of Shrub Pot's shirt, his eyes in the shape in pinpricks and a noticeable vein popping out of his forehead. Shrub had anticipated this reaction, the doctor was very high-strung, but did not expect it to be so forceful.

"Shrub Pot, are you INSANE!" Sawbones shouted, "What in the name of Luna's plothole are you even thinking‽ You clearly must of had too many of your purple whatever to have come up with this death wish!"

"Relax Doc," Shrub removed his hand off of him and wiped his shirt with his hands, "I know what I'm-"

"RELAX!" The doctor began anew, "I've just been informed that my godson, the pony behind the persona of a well known drug dealer, is planning to move, and continue to deal, in fu-'effin Ponyville! Need I remind you that where you're thinking of moving his the home and heart of the Anti-Drug laws that are rocking this nation to the core. You'll be watched by Twilight Sparkle, 'effin Twilight Sparkle, the Alicorn in charge of enforcing the very laws that target US!" Sawbones took deep breaths once finished with his tirade. Shrub rubbed his face and groaned, his ears ringing at the volume.

"Listen, I got everything under control." Shrub reassured.

"You clearly don't if you're thinking of dealing in Ponyville, that's one of the most anti-drug places in Equestria. What makes you think anypony there even wants Purple Dream?"

"Trust me, there's always a few rule breakers within the most secure of palaces."

"Shrub Pot, please, you shouldn't even be dealing-"

"Oh, THAT'S rich!" Shrub Pot snapped and paced himself towards a cabinet in the kitchen, Sawbones following close behind. He stopped at one that was underneath a counter and pulled it, revealing an assortment of bottles. "Gee, look here, Doc, illegal medication from an assortment of countries. In fact, all the pills you got in here are illegal!"

"Yeah, but it's differet." Sawbones stated as he took a seat near the kitchen table, his hands holding his head.

"How, Sawbones? You deal just like I do, except you charge a monthly fee so whatever pill pusher you find can take however many fucking Zebrican MEDs they damn well please!" Shrub looked at his friend with a look of disbelief. In reality, they were both on the side that pushed the very problems that created the Anti-Drug laws. Shrub knew full well, he was the bad guy, but damn him if he let Sawbones get away saying he wasn't.

"But I have to do this!" Sawbones tone was one of grief, "You don't get it Shrub, I must do this, I have a cutie mark to help people with this kind of stuff. When the EAD laws were put in place, they banned thousands of medications from other countries, MEDs that could save ponies right now. I know I'm not the good guy in the bigger picture, Shrub, I just gave some pills to a homeless druggie!"

"And the reason you charge?" Shrub's voice was filled to the brim with venom. Sawbones sighed and looked at Shrub.

"I guess I couldn't keep this secret forever..." Sawbones stood up and went to a drawer.

"Is this about you not working at the hospital anymore?" Shrub asked, trying to calm himself down. One thing he could never get past was his temper, something that could snap at the slightest bit of questioning. Sawbones took out a stack of papers and handed them to Shrub, shame adorning his face. Shrub Pot began to read the papers as soon as he saw the official governmental seal on the top right. As he flipped through, he began to show anger and shock once he finished reading. "Why the hell did they revoke your medical liscene‽"

"Because of the company I keep." That's all he would say, leaving Shrub Pot to wonder what he meant. After a quiet moment of thought, Shrub Pot came to his conclusion and was rather pissed.

"How would they know?" he asked.

"Some higher up that I managed to piss off started digging into my personal life, before this, found some photos of me and my 'dates'." Sawbones used his magic to lift up a cup a water from the fridge and took small sips. "I had to charge a profit that was fair, at least to me. I couldn't just risk my life meeting up with these shady folk to collect illegal contraband without at least getting something back. Without those monthly payments, Shrub, I would be broke and the Baltimare Health Club would be in the trash." He downed the last of the water and gazed back at his godson. The green stallion couldn't believe what he had heard, but this was Equestria, a glorious utopia on the outside, a rough and unforgiving monarchy on the inside.

Sawbones went over to Shrub and gave him a hug. Shrub responded in kind and hugged back twice as hard. A few minuted later, the two separated and Shrub Pot grabbed his trench coat. "I'll be fine, Doc, you know I will."

"I know," Sawbones replied with a smile, "Just be careful, your mom and dad wouldn't want on the papers." Shrub Pot now had all his clothes back on and was about to leave, before he smirked back at his godfather.

"Hey, Ma always wanted me to be famous," He loosened his grip on the doorknob as the door opened, "Now if you excuse me, I have a date with Destiny."

Baltimare Temptress

"AHHH~" Destiny squealed as Shrub Pot fucked her harder than the last time. Shrub Pot usually kept himself professional when it came to the strip clubs, but tonight he decided to spoil himself. With some saved up drug money, he bought himself a night with his favorite stripper, who only went by one name, Destiny. Her aqua marine coat shined as Shrub continued to thrust his hips, strands of her lime and white mane covered her face. They were sweaty and tired, but both were really into the night that they were having, so they decided one more round couldn't hurt anypony. "Fuck me, harder, more~" She moaned as loud as she could, her voice strained from some pretty intense oral activity.

"AH, get ready, Doll!" Shrub croaked out as he came into the condom he was currently wearing. At the same time, Destiny also came and both were now a wheezing pile of sweat and fur. After a few minutes, Shrub lifted himself off of the stripper and removed his condom, chucking it into a waste bin. With barely any energy left, he plopped himself opposite of Destiny on the bed in their private room. The mare recovered from her stupor and leaned towards him to cuddle.

"Amazing job, Cowcolt," She purred seductively as her breasts pressed against his arm, "So, you think you can give me a bit more sugar~"

Shrub sighed as he leaned over to his coat, conveniently located on a dresser next to him, and took out a single blunt. With a grunt, he passed off the blunt to the mare, who giggled and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Be back soon, Lovie, I'm going to find me a light, and then maybe we can tell stories by the fire." She joked and got up to find a source to light her Purple Dream.

Shrub Pot could have told her that he had a lighter in his coat, but hours of fucking left him too exhausted to say anything. Besides, she was a stripper and they really had no relationship outside of the club. Now, Shrub Pot laid on the bed, wondering to himself what would or could happen at Ponyville. He read the papers, so he knew all the crazy shit always happened there. Yet, while knowing that, he smirked, hoping that he could add to the craziness, just a bit.