The King of Coin

”DIAMOND DOGS, DI-A-MOND DOGS! Livin’ underground in a--”

“No.”

”......When Johnny comes marching home again, hurrah, hurrah!”

“Stop that.”

“What will you do with a drunken d-dog, what will you do with a drunken d-dog, what will you do with a drunken d-dog, eraly in the mornin’?

Way, hey, and up he’s diggin’! Way, hey, and up he’s diggin’! Way, hey, and up he’s diggin’, eraly in the mornin’.

Put ‘im in a coat, and throw ‘im to the desert, put ‘im in a coat, and throw ‘im to the desert, put ‘im in a coat, and throw ‘im to the desert, eraly in the mor--”

“I was really hoping you’d stop on your own there. Stop singing, please.”

I folded my arms and groaned. “Finnnnnneeee.”

The sunlight bore heavily down on us. It had been an hour or so since we had left Calico, and I was starting to get bored. Coffee, as kind and caring as she was, didn’t like to talk. Or sing. I waited for a dozen minutes for the tension to die down, then cleared my throat.

“Dovahkiin, Dovahkiin, naal ok zin los vahriin, wah dein vokul mahfaeraak ahst vaal!

Ahrk fin norok paal graan fod nust hon zindro zaan. Dovahkiin, fah hin kogaan mu draal!”

Coffee stopped, unsheathed her sword, and pointed it’s glowing tip at me. “KING, SHUT UP OR I WILL CUT YOU!”

I held up my hands and ran two finger across my lips, then flicked my fingers away. Not ten seconds later, I spoke again. “Hey, I was meaning to ask, why do those swords glow like that? Is it some kind of lightsaber?”

She looked down at her blade, which flared orange. “What? No, it’s a spellsword.” I blinked. “It’s forged from a mix of arcanite, and powdered onyx, so it’s extremely durable, sharp, but can be molded and enchanted easily by my life magic.” As she spoke, the blade lit up brightly, then faded to a dull black.

That was neat. I scratched my chin. “Right. I also wanted to ask, what did you mean by ‘life magic’? What exactly does that include?”

“It relies on my understanding of life and it’s roles in the world. Sustaining life, taking life, creating life-giving warmth. So long as I am rested, I can give my body the nutrients it needs to survive.” Huh, that was actually cooler than I expected.

“That’s why we haven’t considered drink, or food, then? You’re just magicking it into yourself? Because I’m pretty thirsty, and you don’t seem to even be bothered by the heat.” I was panting like a... dog, and my fur was getting pretty coated with sweat. Apparently diamond dogs sweat like humans, but we still need the extra air from panting. It's weird.

Coffee looked back at me. “If you want to eat, or drink, go ahead.”

I looked around and clicked my tongue. “Y’know, I’d take you up on that offer, but there doesn’t seem to be any food or water around here.”

Coffee stopped and gave me a look that suggested I just slapped her. She threw her hands into the air. “How did you end up in the middle of this desert, with no idea on how to survive in the desert!?”

I closed my eyes and shook my head sagely. “I am an enigma, even to my own self.”

Coffee groaned, and took one of the vials around her belt. “Watch closely. You take something sweet, like this sugar water, and you pour it like so...” She uncorked the vial and poured it’s contents onto the ground. It smelled incredibly sweet and delicious. I watched in mixed curiosity and pain as the water sunk into the ground.

Then, to my complete surprise, a green nub appeared, followed by a thick green stalk. It looked like a cactus, but more cylindrical, and without it’s spines. Coffee took hold of it, and tugged. The pod slid from the sand with a wet splorch. Some water bubbled from the hole, which was then filled in by surrounding sand.

“This is a waterbloom. Now, you cut it at the top, like so...” Coffee used her claws to cut around the edge of the waterbloom’s top and pulled. Inside looked almost identical to a cactus’ interior, although there was a cavity in the center which held a plentiful amount of sugar water. “Now you have more sugar water for later, a drink, and food.” She took a bite off the side, and filled her vial back up with water.

Coffee passed it to me, and I drank from the waterbloom, savoring its sweet, cool flow. “Oh man, I needed that.” I paused and eyed the waterbloom warily. “Waterbloom juice isn’t hallucinogenic, or anything, right?”

She paused for just a moment. “No, why would it be?”

I shook my head. “No reason.” Before I finished the drink, I checked in my bag for something I thought I had seen. A bunch of ceramic spherical bottles, with corks at the top. Good for potions, bombs, and sugar water. I quickly poured the rest of the water into a couple bottles, and put them back in my bag for later. “Thanks for showing me that, Coffee. Being stuck in a desert with a sekhmet wasn’t on my to-do list today. I doubt you planned for it, either.”

Coffee glanced at me as I began munching on the waterbloom. “No, I didn’t expect this. Can’t say I’m complaining, though. Freedom in a desert is better than a prison.” She looked at the ground, and mumbled, “Thanks.”

I smiled. I don’t think she meant for me to hear that.

By the time the sun was setting, I had seven filled bottles, out of twelve, and very sore feet. Coffee paused as the sun finally dissipated, then cursed. “I don’t have any wood with me. Normally, I would charge my sword, and use that to keep me warm during the night, but you’re gonna get pretty chilly.”

I lived in the Sonoran Desert back home, I knew that deserts got breathtakingly cold at night. “I’ll put on my other clothes, and wrap myself with my duster. Between that, and my fur, I should be okay.”

Coffee looked back at me, then sighed. “You know your limits better than I do. Don’t come crying to me if it gets to chilly for the puppy, though.”

I was wrong, I was so wrong! The temperature dropped to absurd levels once the sunlight left us, and the world descended into a pitch black darkness, although I could still see, thank you dog eyes. I took a wild guess, and figured that it was around ten degrees Fahrenheit. Arizona dropped to high 30’s, low 40’s in the night. I was shivering, and clutching my duster as close to myself as I could.

I walked up next to Coffee, whose sword was bright orange. “H-how big is-s the des-sert? It can’t be m-much further, ri-ight?”

Coffee shook her head. “We should reach the edge of the desert, and cross into High Roc by tomorrow night.” I groaned, and clutched my duster closer. “On the bright side, though, there is an outpost before then. A place to rest and regulate your temperature.”

Oh thank Celestia. That reminds me... “I’ve never been to Equestria before, though I’m eager to visit. Has anything interesting happened there recently?”

Coffee again looked at me like I was crazy. “You didn’t hear? No, of course you didn’t. That bug queen Chrysalis almost managed to take over the country, again. Her changelings are good now, or something. I don’t really know. I personally still don’t trust them, so long as they can do their weird shape-shift thing. Most the town I lived in got replaced by a changeling swarm when I was young. Didn’t trust anyone after that.”

Damn, that tragic backstory. So I’m at least somewhere after season six, probably in season seven. Coffee surprised me with a question of her own. “So why do you want to visit Equestria?”

I shrugged. “It’s kinda where things are happening. Nightmare Moon, Discord, Chrysalis, Tirek, the Elements of Harmony. They all started in Equestria. I know that sounds crazy, running towards the danger, but I’ve at least heard that the ponies there are nice. That, and Canterlot has plenty of nice things that I’d like to have.”

Coffee laughed, then sighed. “Equestria is nice to ponies. If you aren’t a pony, or small and adorable, they’re gonna look at you like you want to kidnap them and their foals. Why did you start in the thievery department anyways? You’re a diamond dog, you can just dig to get gems, gold, and whatever else.”

I frowned. So all those edgy fanfics were right, Equestria is full of racist assholes. “My parents were well enough off in their jobs that I never really wanted anything. When the time came for me to move out, it was relieving to be relying on myself. I soon realized that I was damn good at taking whatever I pleased, and decided to try my hand in larceny. Unfortunately, they caught my face eventually, and I triggered a silent alarm. I think you know the rest of that story.”

Coffee chuckled. “Yep. I never trusted anybody to connect to me, since half the people I knew growing up were actually all monsters. I decided that I was going to make my own way, without anyone else’s help. Eventually, I got a job from a client, but they sold me out when they learned I had a small bounty on my head. I got led into a trap and...” She shrugged.

We were quiet for the rest of the night, just walking in the cold desert air.

We eventually saw a torch in the distance, and Coffee identified it as the outpost. It was a decent sized rectangular stone structure with a magical shield that kept out wildlife, and sandstorms. There was a bonfire, some beds, and a supply of sugar water and wood.

After warming ourselves up, we took some torches, and two beds. They were quite comfortable, especially since they were the first real beds I’d had in a month or so. When I awoke, the sun was just coming up over the horizon, and Coffee was still dead asleep. Cats and their naps...

I got up, took off my clothes from yesterday, and tied the duster around my waist. I felt something itching on my ear, so I kicked it a few times with my legs. It was much better than scratching myself as a human. I walked to the sand outside the shield, poured some sugar water out, and filled two more bottles with the sweet substance for a total of nine bottles. I ate the waterbloom in silence.

After a while, Coffee got up as well, and ate her own waterbloom. It didn’t really taste like much. It was like a sweeter version of lettuce: all texture, no taste.

Coffee eventually walked back to the map that the outpost had of nearby areas, and checked our time. “We should only have a half day of walking in the desert, then we hit High Roc. It’s another day to Swiftbank from there. If we want to make this trip last a week, then I suggest we only take a day or less in the city.”

I nodded. “Sounds good. How long’s the trip from Dragon Roost to... Griffonstone? I heard they have great scones.”

“Really? Huh, I’ll have to visit some time. It looks like the fastest route is to go a ways into the Dragon Lands, then take a boat across the water. It would only take five or so days, but dragons. You can also just follow the coast, which would take a week. There’s plenty of foliage and outposts like this one, though.”

“Who makes these outposts, anyways?”

Coffee walked away from the map, and began packing her things. “Travelers, mostly. You’re meant to take some, leave some, but that’s for the people that can spare their supplies. Those with magic, like myself, charge the solar diamonds that charge the fire, and shield.”

I looked back at her. “Solar diamonds? What are those?”

Coffee laughed, then realized I was serious. “Really? I’m teaching a diamond dog about a gem?”

I shrugged. “I am not a normal diamond dog.”

“Huh. Anyways, there are certain types of gems that... change when exposed to certain elements. Fire rubies, solar diamonds, life quartz, frost sapphire, water opal, you get the idea. They store those elements magnitudes better than any other kind.”

“Oh, okay. I’ve heard of fire rubies, but not those other kinds. Thanks for the crash course.” I snapped my fingers into a thumbs up, to which she nodded.

“No problem.”