Lyra and Bon Bon's Odd Jobs

Ponyville was in the middle of the worst recession it had seen in decades. Stallions and mares were having a difficult time finding gainful employment, as there were hardly any jobs to be had anywhere. Amidst the uncertain economic times, a mint-colored unicorn and a cream-colored earth pony walked down a winding dirt road in search of new jobs.

Ponyville's cutest couple, Lyra and Bon Bon, were some of the hardest hit by the recession. When money gets tight, the luxuries of life are the first things to go. Lyra couldn't book any performances to play her harp. The lounges and nightclubs in Ponyville could no longer afford live entertainment in their businesses and had switched to the more economical option of prerecorded music. Repeated rejection had started to demotivate the mare.

As Lyra spent more time at home, it was up to Bon Bon to pay the bills. In spite of her best efforts, the mare's main career as a comedian was floundering, In these depressing times, ponies needed a laugh, so comedians were in high demand. Even though this was her time to shine, Bon Bon was unable to make her act work, due to feeling depressed herself. She struggled to find the humor in everyday scenarios and lacked any enthusiasm to deliver them to an audience.

Without any new comedy gigs lined up, Bon Bon fell back on her childhood love of cooking. Even this was proving difficult, as her specialties, bonbons, were not big sellers. Bon Bon insisted on using only the finest ingredients in her creations. Pony's weren't willing to pay her high prices for fancy sweets. Before long, the couple's savings had run out, and they were in desperate need of money.

Lyra followed Bon Bon's lead as she steered them towards potential employment. As they walked, they continued their heated debate, which had been going on sporadically for weeks now.

"Quit your complaining," Bon Bon said, "I'm tired of watching you sit around the house all day."

"I'm sorry if the way I sit weirds you out," Lyra said, defensively, "Reclining just feels better on my back."

"The way you sit isn't the problem," Bon Bon replied, "The bottom line is, we both need to find work. Fortunately for you, I took some initiative and got us both job interviews."

Bon Bon had always been the more pragmatic of the two. She paid the bills and wrote the checks. At least, she did when they had money. Lyra, on the other hand, could not be described as a self starter. Bon Bon had to motivate her marefriend to even agree to this job interview. In spite of these flaws, Lyra wasn't exactly lazy. When she felt passionately about something, there was no holding her back. Bon Bon sometimes felt like Lyra was a rocket. All Bon Bon had to do was light a fire under her marefriend. Once Lyra caught the spark, then all Bon Bon had to do was hold on and try to keep up

"But why have us apply at a bank?" Lyra asked, "I'm no good with fancy mathematics! If ponies were meant to count, we'd have been born with fingers!" Bon Bon ignored the allusion to Lyra's obsession with hands. Dwelling on it would only make things worse.

"I'll be grateful for any job we can get," Bon Bon said, refocusing the subject. As they walked, Bon Bon tried to not lose her temper. She knew Lyra wanted a job as much as she did. Her marefriend just had a bad habit of occasionally shirking her responsibilities. Lyra looked at Bon Bon. She smiled back and said, "Being a grown mare is tough sometimes."

"Things were simpler when we were fillies," Lyra said, nostalgically, "Remember when we were little and we had our first lemonade stand? Now there was an easy way to make some money!"

Bon Bon smiled as she reflected on their past together. Little Lyra with her crazy get-rich-quick schemes and little Bon Bon always along for the ride.

"I remember wanting to turn our stand into a full-fledged restaurant," Bon Bon said, giggling, "I made box lunches with daisy sandwiches and a side order of hay fries."

"With a glass of fresh lemonade to drink," Lyra added, "We sold a ton of 'Lyra and Bon Bon's Famous Stuffed Boxes' that summer."

The disharmony between the two mares was forgotten as they took a moment to talk about how happy their lives had been together. As they stepped out into a clearing, they saw a foreboding-looking white building. It had large glass windows on either side of its glass front doors.

"Here we are," Bon Bon said as they reached their destination, "Ponyville Cryobank."

"What's a cryobank?" Lyra asked, "Do they mean like cryogenics?"

Ever the comedian, Bon Bon let loose with a couple bad puns.

"I bet they deal in a lot of cold, hard cash," the earth pony said, snickering, "This must be where they store frozen assets."

Lyra did a face hoof. She had never gotten her marefriend's unique brand of comedy, even when it was successful.

"A pony who would pun would pick a pocket," Lyra said in a deadpan voice.

"I'm sorry," Bon Bon said, wiping away a mirthful tear from her eyes, "I've always had a soft spot for bad puns. Besides, you love making terrible jokes as much as I do."

"There's a difference," Lyra said, "My jokes are funny. You go for the low hanging fruit." Bon Bon stuck her tongue out petulantly at her marefriend.

Suddenly remembering why they were there in the first place, the two mares looked up at the sterile and intimidating-looking building. Lyra and Bon Bon's careers had both been centered around entertainment, either through music or comedy. Neither were excited about fitting themselves into the mold of a bank teller. They wanted jobs that allowed them to express their creativity, but due to the demand for entertainers being at an all-time low, a job at a bank would have to do for now.

"Fun place to work," Lyra said, sarcastically, "If you're into mausoleums."

"All banks are supposed to look like this," Bon Bon assured her, "The sterile, clean environment lets everypony know that their money is safe here. Now we're going to go in there and put our best hoof forward. We need these jobs."

Lyra grabbed the door and took a deep breath.

"Oh, Lyra," Bon Bon said, quietly, "One more thing. Please, whatever you do, don't mention your theories about humans during the job interview."

Lyra gave a grimace.

"I won't," she said, smirking, "We've got to act normal, right?"

As the mint unicorn held the door open for her marefriend, neither of them realized they were walking in to Ponyville's only sperm bank. As they entered the lobby, they surveyed the bank's interior. there were lots of posters of happy families and mothers cradling their foals.

"Boy they sure amp up the family friendliness factor to eleven, don't they?" Lyra muttered as she glanced at the various displays.

The two mares were soon greeted by a yellow nurse pony with a striped-blue mane. Her cutie mark was a white cross with four small pink hearts in the corner.

"Hello," the nurse said, "My name is Coldheart. I'm the head nurse here at the Ponyville Cryobank."

"Why would a nurse work at a bank?" Lyra asked.

"Maybe she had no patients for her previous job!" Bon Bon said, unable to contain herself, "Sorry. That was bad."

Lyra gave a face hoof and sighed.

"And you were worried about me embarrassing us," the unicorn whispered to her marefriend. Bon Bon blushed.

"It's alright," Coldheart said, humoring the mare, "In this profession, you get used to ponies poking fun at what you do."

Bon Bon had never considered the life of a banker to be that humorous, but as Coldheart talked about how many jokes were made about her career, Bon Bon began to get more and more excited.

"Maybe this is what my comedy act needs!" Bon Bon thought, "The humorous observations of a bank teller!"

"I'll bet working in a bank you have a lot of jokers coming in and asking for free samples." Lyra said. Bon Bon made a mental note to use that joke in her act.

"Not as many as you might think" Coldheart replied, smiling, "Now, what can I help you with today? Are you two interested in making a withdrawal?"

"How can we do that?" Lyra asked, "We haven't even deposited anything yet!"

"I wouldn't expect you to," Nurse Coldheart said, chuckling.

"Wow!" Lyra said surprised, "How do you stay open with a business model like that?"

"We're actually doing quite well," Coldheart said, proudly, "Business has been so good that we've even had to turn away several potential donations."

Bon Bon wasn't concerned about the bank's business practices. As long as they paid their employees, that's all that mattered to her at this point.

"Actually, we're not here today to open an account," Bon Bon said, "We were hoping to apply for the open job positions."

"Oh, of course," Coldheart said, "follow me." The nurse pulled out some application forms from behind the front desk and gestured for the mares to sit down at the table. When Lyra and Bon Bon had filled out their personal information, Coldheart discussed with them the particulars of their bank.

"I suppose you're familiar with what we deal in here?" Coldheart asked.

"I should be," Lyra said, confidently, "I handle the stuff every day."

"You-you do?" Coldheart asked, hesitantly.

"Oh, yeah," Bon Bon said, "We've had loads of experience generating it in our previous jobs."

Coldheart stared at the two mares awkwardly.

"Our first real exposure came when we were just little fillies selling our boxes on the street corner." Bon Bon said.

"Oh my," Coldheart said, blushing, "You poor dears, you were that desperate for money at such a young age?"

"It was actually kind of fun," Lyra said, "I remember our big break came when we sold our goods in front of this construction site." Coldheart's complexion went pale as the mares continued their story.

"The whole crew was hot and sweaty," Bon Bon added, "Those stallions were all hungry to get a taste of our boxes."

"They completely ate us out," Lyra said, smiling, "All of the construction workers blew their wads on our stuffed boxes until they were completely spent. We left them satisfied and made off with a ton of cash that day!"

After hearing such a lurid account, Nurse Coldheart's face burned crimson.

"So would we be assisting ponies when they come and make a deposit?" Bon Bon asked, "I've been told I'm great at customer service."

"It doesn't matter what openings are available," Lyra said, "We'll take any position."

Nurse Coldheart could tell when she was being mocked.

"We have no need of your services here," Coldheart said, indignantly, "This is not a whorsehouse. We're a respectable institution where stallions are paid to discretely provide us with samples."

"Samples?" Lyra said, "What kind of bank is this?"

"A sperm bank!" Coldheart snapped, "And I won't have you mocking this institution!"

Lyra and Bon Bon stared at the nurse as though a large weight had just hit them. Bon Bon blushed. She had never been so embarrassed. Lyra, on the other hand, couldn't help but burst out laughing.

"You got us applications to a sperm bank!" Lyra said to her marefriend, giddy with laughter. The unicorn looked at Nurse Coldheart, trying to keep a straight face.

"Do you guys give out a free toaster when somepony opens an account?" Lyra asked the nurse, "Or would a hot dog warmer be more appropriate? Pah ha ha!"

"If you're not serious about the jobs, then please leave," Nurse Coldheart said curtly. Recovering from her stunned silence, Bon Bon finally found her voice.

"No, please!" Bon Bon said, "We need this! It was all a misunderstanding. We thought this was a regular bank."

"You thought this was a... " Coldheart began, then burst out laughing herself. The nurse had never participated in such a farcical job interview before. Lyra and Bon Bon looked at each other awkwardly as Coldheart continued laughing.

"Oh my, no," the nurse said, recovering from her fit of the giggles, "I totally had the wrong idea about you two."

Lyra and Bon Bon glanced at each other, then smiled nervously at the nurse.

"Even though this isn't what you were expecting," Coldheart said, "are you still interested in the jobs?"

Bon Bon looked at Lyra. The unicorn returned her glance and gave a noncommittal shrug. Bon Bon inhaled a deep breath through her nose.

"Yes," she said, confidently, "We'll take the jobs."