Irony's Tale

To say the experience of having every barrier within your mind stripped away, every memory you’ve ever experienced washing through your consciousness at warp speed is really weird is the colossal understatement of the year. In a matter of seconds, I’ve relieved my time as a slave, growing up, the loss of my mother. Everything on Earth. The pain of being dragged to Equestria and meeting this young unicorn that has become my best friend. Learning about Equestria and then deciding to join the guard, gaining first one, then a second cutie mark, rising through the ranks of the Guard to get posted to work in Ponyville at Twilight Sparkle’s request when she moved there. Finding a young mare named Moon Shadow, our whirlwind romance. Witnessing Twilight learning friendship over the few years she lived there before that fateful night where it seemed the elements of Harmony had turned on her. The hours of agony thinking that Twilight Sparkle was dead, then her joyous return with a new set of wings. The second changeling war, me ascending to be her permanent bodyguard and confidant, ending with Discord’s betrayal in my office in Twilight’s castle after the battle with Tirek. I’m panting on the floor. Sweetie Belle is standing next to me, an odd look on her face.

I look up at her as I lever myself slowly to my hooves. “Did you see all of that?”

She nods, her eyes wide. “Wow, Irony. I’m so sorry for what you went through.”

I nod thanks as I finally get to my hooves. “Now that was definitely worse than the portal.”

Once again, Twilight has glomped onto me. “How do you feel?”

I look inward, years of emotions, feelings, thoughts, ideas, and memories are swirling around inside my skull. The feel of first touching Moon Shadow, kissing her, making love to her. The exhilaration of a foot race with Applejack and Rainbow Dash in the running of the leaves. Snuggling with Twilight in the middle of the night when some of my past has me shaking in bed. Her sitting next to me as we go over and edit my first book. Twilight dancing with me in the library tree in Ponyville with me holding the publication letter from Canterlot press. I can close my eyes and see the words on the page, feel the sheer unadulterated joy of knowing that my book is being printed for distribution to the different Royal Guard offices. That my thoughts and ideas on tactics would impress Princess Celestia that much was such a rush. I remember her lips on mine. And that gets me to do a mental double take.

I glance at Sweetie, who is moving off and heading towards Apple Bloom. Then I look at Twilight. “Did we? Did Moon know?”

She blushes. “I know that Moon knew. I think I told her after, you were so bashful and ashamed. I think it was a holdover from before you came to Equestria. She asked if this was going to be a regular thing.” The blush deepens. “I don’t think either of us had an answer for that. But she wasn’t mad, I do remember that.”

I nod. I remember snippets from later. Moon was seriously considering us herding with the Princess, which I thought was scandalous, yet Moon thought Twilight being single for so long was even more so. My ears flick as more snippets of memories surface. I look back at Twilight. “It wasn’t just one night, was it?”

She shakes her head slowly, “And it wasn’t just with you, I remember Moon Shadow at least once.” She brightens “So, does this mean you’ll have Moon come back with you, and you’ll stay with me?”

I stop for a long moment. Part of me wants to march right to the portal, grab Moon, Dust, her wife and kids, Trixie, and Mindy and anypony else and simply bodily drag them through. Eventually, I heave a big sigh. “Princess, you know my duty is to you, and to Equestria. Lightning Dust is a guard herself, she knows her role. Moon was Princess Luna’s apprentice, and I don’t believe she’s coming through the portal as of yet. She needs more training in the dream world. I want to stay with you.” I pet her mane for a long moment, resisting the urge to do more with that absolutely adorable face. “I really do, I missed you more than you will ever believe. But my duty is to your subjects. To the ponies that are still trapped on Earth. Once the portal closes, it will be two and a half years before they can be brought through again. We need to protect them, you know that.”

She pulls away and lowers her head. “I know.” Her ears flatten back for a long moment, then she turns to look at me while perking her ears forward. “You’ve got most of a day left, talk to the ponies, remember more of what you have here. Maybe you will change your mind.

“I…” I start, only to have her hoof pressed to my lips.

“Don’t, just make your decision after, okay?”

I nod my head. And look outside the windows. “Was it you who got the sun up?”

She nods. “It took everything I had. Though the good news is that I’ve gotten word Princess Celestia will be coming through in a few hours. She has had to deal with so much back on Earth. I will be quite happy to see her come through and handle the sun. She is attuned to it, it’s so much easier for her.” She gets to her hooves and walks over, thanking a pony as they drop some books on the battered table. “My mother, Velvet, has asked for some books. I’ve been having ponies scour over the library here and in Canterlot trying to find them all. I’m going to deliver them to her now.”

My eyes widen. “So, I did see her at the farm.”

She nods. “Rainbow Dash is going with me, she should be healed enough for a quick trip through the portal so we can talk to them.” She stops and turns around, her horn alight with the books wrapped up in her magic. “Please, Irony. Reconnect with the ponies here. Remember more of your friends, what the ponies here mean to you.” She stops and takes a deep breath. “Whatever your decision ends up being, I will support it. But I hope you decide to stay.” She takes a few steps then turns back. “Our castle was smashed, there’s really nothing left of it right now. Discord was quite destructive. Or maybe some of the other Discorded creatures did it. But my home in Ponyville is gone. I’ll let you know some of our plans once I get back. And I’ll also let some of the ponies back on Earth know of what’s going on. Maybe you should talk to some of my other friends for a bit.”

Twilight trots off, I look around and brighten, Fluttershy is sitting with Applejack and Rarity. I remember talking to them quite often back before Discord. A smile comes easily to my face as I head over to them.

***

*Ray*

“Are you sure you aren’t a pony like us?” The cream-colored unicorn mare with an hour glass cutie mark asks.

I point at my flank. “Inquisitor, I don’t have a cutie mark.”

She lights her horn. “But you feel right. You belong here, you belong as a pony.”

I shake my head. It’s my turn for a break and some calories, Henry is working on one of the worst cases we’ve received. I’ve dealt with it a couple of times in my practice, crush injuries. Victims of crushing damage are some the greatest challenges to the medical field. Yet watching Henry work, the pony sitting next to me keeps calling him Star Crossed, he is amazing. What would be a flat out amputation ends up being fully healed. The white mare that has been watching him and acting as his nurse has been hovering by him the whole time. Making sure he doesn’t overextend himself. He’s aware of the magic he’s using now and has dropped the pretense of makeshift bandages.

“We’ve got more supplies!” Comes a voice. I heave myself to my hooves. I’ve only been a pony for most of a day, but the crash course in magic has been amazing. More practice is a good thing. I join a half dozen other ponies heading towards the portal where some ponies have pulled a small makeshift wagon through. Hundreds of pounds of supplies are loaded up on the wagon. We quickly offload it so the pony can push it back through the portal. As the loud *wum* resonates through the square, we chat happily as we head back to the mobile field hospital. The ponies deposit the supplies where the makeshift supply cabinets have been fashioned. I keep my horn lit as I’m putting stuff away, but quickly I stop. Blood? Platelets? Plasma? All different types for ponies? One of the new arrivals finishes setting up a nice sized fridge and he runs an extension cord to it.

He notices my questioning look. “They’ve got medics and EMT’s from Dubuque. They’ve even grabbed some phlebotomists from Mercy Medical. They've been getting donations from ponies waiting to go through, and also from ponies here. We’ve got surgical dressings and even some surgical equipment. We don’t have access to human imaging equipment. But this should help.”

I glance back at Henry, who is stumbling back from the Earth pony filly, his body shaking. I nod and smile at the pegasus who helped deliver the equipment and gallop towards Henry. The white mare is supporting him as he sits down heavily. “Now Henry, I told you.”

He looks up at her. “But she would have died.”

“And how many can you help if you die trying to help more than you can?”

He looks down, then he shrugs her off of him. “I’m going to find that line and dance on it.” His horn lights and I dart forward, lifting him up in my magic.

“Hey! What the?” He howls as he struggles in my grip.

“You need rest.” I say firmly. “You need at least four hours of down time, starting right now. Get food in you, and I want at least half that time bunk time.” He glares at me and opens his mouth to speak again. I cut him off. “You had better listen to me, or I’m going to go get Princess Twilight and have her weigh in. Do you want that?”

He continues to struggle for a few moments, and I feel every muscle flex, every exasperated snort. Finally, he quiets. “I can’t do everything, can I?”

“No, you can’t. Let Dr. Ray take a few. You really do need to rest.” The nurse mare snaps.

I slowly let his hooves touch the ground, and he offers me a wan smile as he is led away. I turn back to the operating table, two ponies have removed the last patient, and one is doing her level best to sterilize the surface before the next one is brought in. Though my attention is grabbed by commotion near the recovery area. This looks to be the last pony for now, the triage nurse seems to be caught up. The pony is placed on my table. “So, what seems to be the problem?”

“My shoulder, doc.” The unicorn stallion groans.

My ears are focused on the commotion though I call for sutures. In moments I’m stitching the deep wound together, though voices are penetrating my thoughts. I pause in my work for a moment to look over. A mare is screaming with two orderlies next to her. Everypony else seems to be pretty busy. I glance at my nurse. “Can you finish the tie off?”

She nods and her magical field replaces mine as I gallop off. This pony form can be quite quick, I skid to a stop before them. “What’s going on?”

“They’re coming, right now!” She howls, holding her belly.

I wave off the orderlies and grab her in my magic. “How long?”

The earth pony’s entire body cramps in my grip, and she howls in pain. Okay, this is going to be pretty quick. A quick gallop has her back in the surgical area. How do ponies give birth? Like horses? I have no idea. I lie her down on her side and gently prod her belly with my hooves, getting a groan in pain. “Okay, we don’t have x-rays.” I look around. “Is there an ultrasound machine?”

Ponies look back and forth at each other. One of the orderlies comes up. “We haven’t asked for one, we can probably get one here, but it’ll be a few hours.”

I look back at her, “She doesn’t have a few hours!” I lean my head down, letting my horn touch her belly. For Discord to curse a ten month pregnant mare is just evil in my book. I finally shake my head. “I don’t know what’s going on.”

A unicorn slowly heaves himself off one of the beds, he was not as fortunate as some, he’s missing his right foreleg, and the stump is heavily bandaged. “Maybe I can help.”

“You should be in bed.” My nurse says, trying to lead him back. He shrugs her off and limps to me.

“I figured out my special talent they day before I went to the Farm. I can see inside things, I can make the invisible easy to see. I thought it was pretty useless, but fun. Can I try?”

I look at the nurse, then at the unicorn. Finally, I nod. “Go ahead.”

He nods and steps close as his horn flickers to life. As I watch, her belly becomes transparent, and I can see her uterus, a moment later, I can see the life struggling inside her. “You’ve got twins!”

As the contraction relaxes, she pants heavily. “Something is wrong.”

She’s not wrong. One of the foals is sideways, and the force of the contractions is pushing the poor pegasus against the mare’s cervix, that has got to be painful for both of them. “C-section, right now.”

“We don’t have any way to anesthetize her.”

That gets me to blink, “I’m so sorry, but it’s either this or all three of you die.”

The earth pony looks at me. “Don’t let them die, please, don’t let my babies die.”

“Iodine!” I scream as I work to get her prepped, three nurses assist as iodine is slathered all over her belly and more orderlies come up, ready to hold her down.

In a matter of minutes, I’m having the unicorn back off his spell so I can see what I’m doing. I look at the sharp implement held firmly in my magic. I’ve done c-sections on dogs, and a few barn animals. My practice had some farms as clients. I look at her. “This is going to hurt, I’m so sorry.” I refuse to flinch as her howls start anew as the blade makes the first cut. Though after just a few seconds, she mercifully passes out. Only a few minutes has the pegasus filly out and being wrapped in swaddling, I reach in with my magic and feel around. I saw the earth pony colt in there just a few moments ago. Ah, there he is. “Uh Oh.” I say softly as I bring him out. His sister was a squirming bundle of life. He…isn’t. I hold him in my magic as I divert my flows to start sewing her up. Wow, multitasking is a cinch for a unicorn. A gentle press on his barrel expels the fluid from his lungs. I can feel his heart beating frantically. But until I get him breathing that’s not going to last for long.

I start working on him, “Come on little one, breath…”

Heat hits me, rolling over my entire body, inside my head, the entire world pounds. My vision tunnels as sparks start taking over my eyesight, I feel so dizzy and light headed I can’t keep on my hooves.

Blinking, my eyes don’t see what’s in front of me, or do they? Is it my vision or am I seeing through somepony else’s eyes. Kneeling before a deer, the fawn was wounded, her hind leg can’t hold her weight. My magic is tying off the splint. “Come on little one, breath slowly, I know it hurts but it will be better.” Is that my voice? It sounds too soft, too feminine to be me. A shadow falls around me getting me to look up. A creature is standing there, on two…not hooves, but booted feet.

Its furless features shoot an evil smile at me as she pulls out a bottle, “This land, this forest, and all of Flutter Valley shall be mine. No creature, no…little pony…shall stop me!” She says with a dark laugh that sends chills down my spine. Reaching into a pouch she draws out a large bottle and uncorks it. In a wide arc she lets the liquid fly from the bottle, a greyish purple substance that bubbles and hisses when it hits the ground. Black smoke rises from where it lands as it starts growing before my eyes, filling me with fear and dread. It eats all the organic matter it touches and increases it’s size rapidly and becomes a living wave of toxic ooze.

I look around, I’m trapped, unable to run, I’m encircled by the ooze as it flows towards me rising up higher and higher. I cower back, tail between my legs trembling as I hear the evil laugh of that creature, that witch. “Good bye, my little pony,” she cackles as the wave crashed down.

As the ooze crushes down on me darkness falls, it doesn’t hurt, I feel, like I’m floating. Someone, something else is here as well. I hear a voice, coming from all around me, “Smoozing it up I see.” A low chuckle follows, before it speaks again, “That’s too good, I’ll have to remember that for later. For now, you have things to do.” Laughter fills my consciousness before everything fades, leaving just eyes in the dark, misshapen, yellow, eyes.

I shake my head as I feel the impact of the ground on my back, the shock bringing me back to reality. The cry of a baby colt fills my ears, and I find myself relaxing as I slowly look down at the newborn in my forelegs. “Shhh, it’s alright.” I look at the mother, the uterus is stitched and I focus on working on the external wound. I was able to avoid the larger blood vessels in my hasty cutting. This kind of shock could kill a horse, but she seems to be taking it better. Though pain killers are going to need to be administered soon. Her babies are going to be just fine.

“Wow.” The white nurse mare comes up to me. “You are a healer.”

I shrug as I hoof off the colt to one of the other nurses. “I’m just a vet.”

She points. “No, your mark.”

“I don’t have a mark.” I look back and trail off, anything else I was going to say fading into the background. “Wait a moment, that wasn’t there before.” This almost looks human, a rod of Aesculapius, with silhouettes of the three pony tribes behind it.

“You got it as you were delivering the colt. Did you get that moment of perfect clarity? Where you knew that this was what you were? What it meant to be you?”

I frown. The memory is fading. “I remember eyes, yellow, misshapen eyes.” I mutter.

Her eyebrows rise. “The curse.”

I shake my head. “That’s impossible, I’m too old.”

She comes up and gives me a hug. “You’ve saved a lot of lives today, Ray.”

“Tabby.” The cream-colored unicorn says softly. “I knew it, you are Equestrian.”

***

*Irony*

Twilight was right, connecting with ponies I knew before Discord has been amazing. Fluttershy and I have been able to reconnect, the same with the flower ponies. Lotus Blossom and her sister were also close friends all those years ago. Though most of the ponies, right now, are a bit in shock after the events of the last few days. Twilight and I have spent the last few hours sitting and talking, getting more and more caught up.

“It’s less than an hour. Will you stay? Or will you go?”

I frown. That decision has been rolling around in my head since she asked me. Finally, I open my mouth. “I want to. Dear Celestia, I want to stay more than you will ever know. I think I could persuade Dust and Moon to come.” I stop, thinking furiously. “But that would mean leaving Dust’s human family behind, without explanation or reason. I wouldn’t do that to Dust. I wouldn’t do that to anypony that still has human family all around here. I hope, in time, we can come through the portal and feel the magic and beauty of our world once again. But my duty, her duty, is to the ponies, and so long as there is a pony on Earth who wants to come home. We need to protect and support them.”

Her ears fall. “I couldn’t have expected a better response from you on this Irony.” She rears up and wraps her hooves around my neck. “Please, visit at least?”

I nuzzle her. “I’ll try, I do know we are going to busy for a while. But I will see what happens. The only problem is that the portal is going to turn me back human when I go through.”

She giggles. “Well, with your build while you are on two legs. You’ll be an amazon. Send some pictures of how you look back, maybe?”

I smile as I shift form. I cup her cheek with my hand. “Maybe it’s better this way.”

She sighs as she leads me to the field hospital where most of the staff are now simply resting. A quick glance around lets me know that the Army Ranger I met has probably already gone back through. Ray is lying on his back, his eyes closed.

“Ray.” I say softly, getting him to snort and open one eye.

“Already time to go?”

I nod and he heaves himself to his hooves. Though a glance stops me in my tracks. “You got a cutie mark?”

He looks back. “Yeah. While I was doing an emergency C-section, just something clicked inside me.”

Twilight’s eyes are wide. “That’s amazing, humans turned ponies getting cutie marks in Equestria.”

“I know.” I lean forward and bring him close in a hug. “Okay, let’s get to the portal.”

He looks around. “What about all this equipment? This is tens of thousands of dollars!”

“We’ve made arrangements with the US Military. It’s all okay. We’ve been having messengers going through the portal quite often while it’s been open. Don’t worry.” Twilight says softly.

He calms down a bit as we walk, though much of it is spent talking about everything he was doing, the magic he was learning, and Twilight was responding, leaving me to do not much except keep a smile on my face. In fact smiles seem to be abounding with all the ponies here. Even among the devastation of this war, the ponies are already working to rebuild. One of the buildings that had collapsed is already being cleared away by teams of worker ponies. Finally, we get to the portal, just a mirror that was originally in the basement of Rarity’s shop.

Twilight turns and looks at me, “I’m going to miss you, Irony. Please, come back to us?”

“I hope to, with Moon and Dust, and more. But until then, know that I will miss you too, Twilight.” I reach down and pick up the alicorn and hug her tightly to my chest. In response she wraps all four legs and her wings around me.

“Irony, we need to go. We only have a few minutes.” Ray says.

I kiss Twilight’s cheek softly before setting her down. I don’t look back, we have a job to do, ponies to take care of. I put a hand on Ray’s withers. “Let’s go back.”

He nods as we step forward together, letting the connection between two universes take us.