Chapters Ain't That a Dick on the Head
Tempest Shadow opened the giftbox and stared at the dildo for some time. Then, like usual, she strapped it to her forehead and cried herself to sleep.
“Welcome to training day, ladies and gents. And trust me, that is not a compliment.”
With a dubious cloudwalking spell sparking at her hooves, Tempest paced down the lines of Wonderbolts standing at attention to her side. This one was… the Manehattan division, right? The squadrons, all similarly incompetent whether they be Wonderbolts or Royal Guards, had blurred together about three stops ago.
“My name is Tempest, but you can call me Ma’am, or Commander. You can also call me the pony who singlehoofedly took out three of your princesses in under sixty seconds, and conquered Equestria in a day.” She’d said this speech a dozen times in the last two weeks, and the words had become as rote as her even, menacing tone—which was good, because she was exhausted out of her skull and couldn’t have done it otherwise. “And do you know why that is?”
The Wonderbolts’ eyes were fixed upon her, wide with shock and/or fear, and none dared answer. Well, most of them: when she glanced back to her partner Rainbow Dash standing behind her, she saw that Rainbow was staring at the ground. Her cheeks seemed puffed up for some reason, and she was blushing.
With no answer forthcoming, Tempest supplied her own: “Because you’re weak. Equestria’s spent a long time as the only fish in its pond, but suddenly the pond’s a lot bigger, and you’re swimming with the sharks now. Renegade hippogriff factions. Fishmen. A whole nation of centaurs, just like Tirek .”
The ponies, sans Rainbow Dash, flinched at each new named threat. She could have made anything up, and they would have cowered. Maybe she would next time, for a little variety.
“But you’re in luck, little ponies. Your princesses have decided, correctly, that I’m the mare to teach you how to face threats like this. So here’s the deal, ladies and gents.”
She grabbed a kickball from beside herself and tossed it in the air a few times. “If you can dodge a ball, you can dodge a deadly energy sphere capable of encasing you in stone. So let’s play dodgeball . I win when I hit all of you with this, and you win when any one or more of you incapacitates me. Any questions before we start?”
After a few seconds, one of the Wonderbolts at the end of the row raised a quivering hoof. “Yes, Private?”
“Captain Swift, actually… but, ahem, speaking of privates.” The raised hoof moved to point at her forehead. “What are you wearing on your head?”
She glanced up and saw the dildo attached to her forehead. It was long, plum-colored like her coat, and unmistakably a penis. In her travel-induced exhaustion, she had forgotten to take it off overnight. Tempest swore profusely within her head.
Outside her head, she didn’t even blink. “It’s called a prosthetic, Captain . I’ve found ponies can be... unsettled by my condition. This is a way of putting them at ease.”
“Oh, yes, Ma’am.” Captain Swift was quiet.
Tempest stared at him for a few seconds more, then looked down the line of ponies another time. “If there are no pertinent questions—”
“So why does it look like a penis?”
Swift stuffed his hoof in his mouth, but it was too late. Rainbow Dash burst into stifled laughter behind her.
Tempest ignored Dash, and stared at the captain with dead eyes. “Did you know, I was going to take on all of you at once. That being said? Thank you, Captain Swift, for volunteering to go first. Alone.”
He took a step back, and stammered, “Are you serious?” And Tempest just kept staring. At length, he shook himself, adopting a fierce expression and a bent stance. “All right, you arrogant dickhead, it’s time to show you what a Wonderbolt can do. Ready!”
Tempest kicked the ball into his face. He didn’t dodge in time, and with a donk of failure, it smashed him right between the eyes, sending him sprawling on his back. “No fair,” he mumbled, “I wasn’t ready.”
The other Wonderbolts were even more silent than before, as if—no longer content with merely saying nothing—they were actually absorbing outside decibels at a prodigious rate into their gaping mouths. The only noise was Rainbow Dash’s guffaws, less stifled now that she had a non-penis reason for laughing.
“Well,” Tempest said, ambling over to regrab her kickball as the others stared. “One on one didn’t work. Why don’t we try one versus all?”
First mistake: They really shouldn’t have let her retrieve the ball.
The remaining Wonderbolts gaped at her for a few seconds, and then someone yelled a defiant yell, and they charged as one.
Not even a single hit. This was disappointing: most of the squadrons she’d faced had at least managed to strike her once .
Tempest walked among the groaning, fallen forms. She hadn’t hit any of them with anything but the ball, but when she struck, she struck for keeps . “Get over it, ladies and gents,” she called out over the moans. “Aren’t you supposed to be soldiers?”
“Dickhead,” whispered the captain at her hooves.
She stomped near his head, and he shut up. Sparks danced at the point where her hoof interfaced with the cloud surface, plunging through it slightly.
“Now, if you’ll all kindly get back to your hooves, you’ll get to watch a demonstration of how it’s actually done. Rainbow Dash?”
She turned around and stared at the only Wonderbolt still standing, and still cackling at the others’ predicament. As her name was called, though, Rainbow Dash shut up and got into a fighting stance, wings spread out. She stared Tempest in the eye, and the two of them shared a loving look. Then Rainbow glanced a little higher than her eyes and suppressed a snigger.
Tempest clenched her jaw, and hefted the ball. “When you’re ready, Rainbow Dash.”
Rainbow Dash did not waste breath calling out, “Ready!” What she did instead was blast forward, almost faster than the eye could follow, destroying the cloudbank beneath her with her takeoff. Tempest just barely dodged in time, and Rainbow whizzed past her.
She turned around, ready to kick the ball with unerring accuracy—but the rainbow trail following Dash had torn down into the cloudbank. Tempest watched warily, listened warily, and then jumped to one side just as the square of cloud beneath her poofed and vanished. In the empty space, for just a moment, she saw a blurred spandex-clad leg.
“Using terrain to her advantage,” Tempest called out, dancing backward as more clouds were destroyed beneath her retreating hooves. “Very good!” Activating her horn, hearing the sparks issuing from it—a sound which was somewhat muted by the dildo, still flopping around up there—she sent an electric charge through her hooves into the cloud.
Rainbow took the bait, and she heard the sound of the pegasus being fried beneath her. Tempest grabbed a few more clouds in her telekinesis and yanked them down, including the one she stood on; they zoomed downward erratically, creating a series of platforms below the main cloudbank. The Wonderbolts around her rushed forward to look through the hole.
Rainbow Dash was singed, but still ready. She bared her teeth in a fierce grin as Tempest hefted the ball, tossed it up in the air—and by the time Tempest kicked it, Rainbow Dash was already moving.
Which was a mistake: Tempest’s aim was true as ever, and she was able to compensate for Rainbow Dash’s movement. Rainbow gasped, and flapped her wings as hard as possible, creating an instant gale that blew the kickball back into Tempest’s hooves, and almost blew her off her platform. She dug her hooves in and barely stayed on.
Rainbow’s eyes lit up with the sparkle of opportunity, like a lightbulb going off over her head. Zipping around Tempest’s platform like a hummingbird, she blew gale after gale, each at different angles, hoping to blow her off. “She’s moving unpredictably and keeping her distance,” Tempest yelled at the ponies above them, jumping between platforms to avoid the gusts. “Learn something!”
Tempest grabbed the kickball in her magic—her nose crinkled as she smelled something burning, but she paid no mind—and it spun around her in an ever expanding circle at high speed, a circle that threatened to strike Rainbow Dash. The pegasus was forced to dive.
What a stupid mistake. Clearly Rainbow had been tired by their travel schedule as well—her loss. She was traveling in such a straight line. Tempest aimed, jumped, and kicked—
And noticed too late the cone of air surrounding Rainbow. A cone she soon burst through, breaking the sound barrier in glorious prismatic fashion, blasting bright rainbow rings all around her.
The ball, which had been kicked as fast as Rainbow, was left in the metaphorical dust. It fell uselessly to earth as Rainbow turned at an impossibly acute angle, surging back toward Tempest, and Tempest realized that she was tired too. Tired enough to throw away her win condition.
Well, she was used to fighting at a disadvantage.
With a mighty kick of her feet, she leapt back onto the upper cloudbank just before Rainbow blasted through the clouds she’d pulled down, scattering them to the winds. Gritting her teeth, not letting her exhilaration show, Tempest charged magic into her horn. Yet again she ignored the smell of something burning, and fired .
A firework burst from her horn; then the magic that had sparked it zoomed over to another point in space before blasting off another explosion, and repeating over and over in a wild, patternless series. Rainbow Dash, who had turned again to head toward Tempest, dodged several blasts valiantly, but eventually one caught her just before she caught Tempest.
The explosion sent Rainbow Dash flying—or, more accurately, sent her crashing. She rolled several times on the cloudbank before coming to a halt. Before she’d coughed out more than a few smoky breaths, Tempest had her hoof at Rainbow’s throat. Rainbow gritted her teeth in useless defiance: she’d lost. “By my estimates,” Tempest murmured, “that’s the longest session we’ve had, and still under a minute. Would you please try to keep it up a little longer?”
“Can’t help it, babe,” Rainbow grunted, “not when you’re so good at getting me excited.”
They stared at each other. Then Rainbow Dash’s lips curled up, turning her grimace into a wide grin that Tempest couldn’t help but match. For a moment, she leaned in—
She blinked, realized the Wonderbolts were all watching them, and turned around calmly. “So you see what Rainbow did,” she said. “She didn’t wait for permission to attack. She used the terrain, and the natural advantages of her species. She threw everything she had at me to win. If you want to protect your princesses, you need to learn to do the same thing. Do you understand, privates!”
“Ma’am, yes, Ma’am!” they chorused.
“Good.” Tempest walked to her bag, which she’d brought with her at the start, and telekinetically withdrew a sheaf of paper—then winced as her horn ached unusually for some reason. She trotted over to Captain Swift. “Lead your cadets in these drills,” she said, dropping the stack of paper on his back. “Rainbow Dash and I will be back in a few minutes to correct you.”
“Yes, Ma’am,” he said, saluting.
“Get to it.”
With that, Tempest trotted to a corner of the field, far enough away that the Wonderbolts wouldn’t be able to hear. Rainbow Dash followed behind her.
After a few seconds, the snickering started.
“Shut up,” Tempest said.
“You know,” Dash said, “when I got you that thing, I kinda assumed you knew where to put it.”
“Up yours.”
“Yeah, see, that’s basically where it’s supposed to go.”
Tempest groaned.
“Seriously, though, that’s really impressive. Those cadets are starstruck! I don’t think they’ve ever respected anypony as much.”
After a pregnant pause, she added: “With-a-dick-on-their-head.”
“I said shut up .” Tempest rounded on Rainbow, now that they were far enough from the Wonderbolts to avoid any lipreaders. Not that any of them likely knew how to lipread, but a little paranoia never killed anyone. “I don’t want to talk about it, okay? So shut up!”
Rainbow sighed. “You’re right. Sorry, I don’t want to be pushy. Are you okay?”
Tempest took a deep breath, then sighed as well. “No, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have blown up at you. I’m just tired, is all… those princesses have us working like dogs . I thought the Storm King was harsh.”
Rainbow shrugged. “Lots of ponies to train before the next invasion. I totally see where they’re coming from, even if it totally blows. Are we still gonna do tonight, at least?”
“Yup.”
“And you’re gonna be on top.”
“As usual.”
Dash groaned. “Figures.”
Rolling her eyes, Tempest undid the straps around her face, and pulled at the dildo on her horn. Something was wrong, though: it didn’t seem to be coming off. Rainbow looked up at it, then looked a little closer, and her face paled. “Oh, jeez.”
“What?”
“This either got really really funny, or not funny at all.”
“I need specifics!”
Rainbow hesitated for a few seconds, and then rubbed her hoof at the cloud beneath her. Her pegasus magic allowed part of the cloud to condense into liquid water, leaving a reflective puddle in the cloudbank.
Tempest looked down at it, and saw the dildo had been melted—fused, even—onto her horn. Little waxy dribbles ran down the sides, toward the base. Her eyes went wide.
Rainbow Dash snickered.
Tempest glared up.
“Sorry.”
Author's Note
Thanks to those on the FiMFic Discord for helping this to happen. You know who you are.
Oh, and also DocWario on DeviantArt for the cover art!
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The Dick of the Magi (AKA, the Flashback Chapter)
Tempest stared cross-eyed at the carrot taped to the base of her horn. She couldn’t think of anything more ridiculous to put atop it. “Pinkie Pie,” she said, “thanks… but no thanks. Can I go now?”
Pinkie, holding a dripping paintbrush in her mouth, tilted her head in confusion. If Tempest were in the mood for it, it probably would have looked adorable. Her mouth opened around the brush—
“And before you ask, no. It’s not the wrong shape.”
Pinkie’s mouth closed for a few seconds. Then it opened again.
“Nor is it too long or too short, too wide or too narrow, too soft or too hard, or any other singular trait which could be solved by replacing it with a different carrot. It’s just a bad idea. Period.”
She groaned and lit up the fragments of her horn. The carrot vibrated, then blasted off her horn, pulling shreds of tape in its wake as it rocketed across the room. It hit the wall of Sugarcube Corner and stuck there, quivering above a wastebasket full of other failed carrots.
Pinkie’s mouth fell open, letting the brush splash into the canister of plum paint below. “How’d you know what I was gonna say?” she whispered, eyes wide with shock. “Oh my gosh, does having a broken horn give you super special psychic powers?”
“No, it probably does not do that.”
“Does it unlock the super crazy world-ending magic hidden in the dark corners of every unicorn’s mind? ”
”Maybe a little?” Tempest sighed through her nose: this was probably better than Pinkie running away in tears at the sight of her. Probably . “Mostly it just aches, sometimes. And looks bad—”
“Is that why your fireworks look so cool?”
Tempest stopped. “Huh?”
“You know, that crazy firework thing you can do. It looks great ! Actually, can I book you for a ‘World-Hasn’t-Ended’ party?”
She couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “Sounds fun, but not if it’s within the next month. And now I really have to go,” she said, crossing to the table where she’d been eating breakfast before Pinkie had pulled her over for her 24-carrot idea.
“Aww, really?” Pinkie pouted, which seemed to be the only negative emotion she could express. Not sadness , just poutiness . “Where ya headed, Fizzlepop?”
“Don’t call me Fizzlepop.”
“Where ya headed, Tempest?”
“Your princesses have me doing some sort of military training tour. It’s apparently the reason I’m not in moon jail for a millennium, or whatever else they’d do to me, and I need to head for Canterlot now.” Tempest slung her bag of essentials over one shoulder. It had everything she owned, save for her armor; that she always wore, every waking moment. It was unchanged from when she’d invaded Equestria, save for the removal of the Storm King’s emblem. Old habits died hard, but with this armor, so would she.
Pinkie tapped her chin. “Hm. That’s really funny.”
Tempest raised an eyebrow, and Pinkie elaborated: “Rainbow Dash said she had to do some important Wonderbolt stuff, and she’d be away for a while, and she was gonna be at the castle tonight. Probably just one o’ them coinkidinks!”
It was not one o’ them coinkidinks.
“Her? ” Tempest and Rainbow Dash shouted in unison, each one jabbing a hoof at the other from opposite walls of Celestia’s throne room.
Celestia nodded gravely from her throne. “Fizzlepop, you are—”
“Tempest.”
Celestia halted mid-speech, frowned, and began again. “Tempest , you are in many ways uniquely qualified to train our armies to shore up our defenses. However, in the crucial area of being nationally trusted or liked, you are at an unfortunate disadvantage. Which is where you come in.”
She now turned to face Rainbow Dash. “As a multi-time national heroine and Wonderbolt, you have the trust Tempest lacks. Together, you two are Equestria’s best chance to learn to defend ourselves against whatever new threat may arise.”
“Yeah, okay, I get some of that.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Everyone hates her, but they love me, so she needs me. That part makes sense. But why do I need her to tell me how to be awesome?”
Tempest chuckled. “You know I could beat you in a fight with my eyes closed, don’t you?”
“Ha!” Rainbow Dash took a step forward, teeth bared. “I could kick your flank with both wings tied up!”
Tempest stepped forward as well, looking down her nose at the upstart Wonderbolt. “I’d like to see you try.”
“How would you? You just said your eyes would be closed.”
“Enough .”
Celestia’s voice wasn’t even that loud, yet it shook Tempest in her armor. She and Rainbow Dash both stared at the princess, although Tempest felt a whole lot less cowed than Rainbow Dash looked. It was hard to be intimidated by Celestia after having personally rendered her into stone.
Celestia’s frown was incrementally lower, but her composure was otherwise unharmed. “I didn’t call the two of you here so you could learn to get along. I called you here to receive an order, and to carry it out faithfully.” She strode off her throne, lifting two sheets of paper, which floated toward Rainbow Dash and Tempest. “This is your itinerary. Your first assignment is here in Canterlot, in two days’ time: use the intervening days to figure out how best to teach our Royal Guard.”
Rainbow Dash took her paper in one hoof, looked at it for a few seconds with wide eyes, then shrugged and slipped into her saddlebags. Tempest concentrated and grabbed the paper in her magic; it hung in the air for no more than a second before vibrating and catching fire, burning to ash in a moment.
Celestia smiled ruefully, and her horn lit up again, pulling a spare itinerary from near her throne to give to Tempest. Tempest sighed, then took the paper in hoof (like she should have done in the first place). Of course she had spares.
Tempest examined the itinerary with a deepening grimace. “Is something the matter?” Celestia asked.
“You’ve got us traveling nearly every day. Every two days, at best .” Tempest glowered up at Celestia. “This is a slave schedule.”
“You’re the one who showed us that an attack can come at any time. We need to train our forces as quickly as possible. I know it’s a lot to ask—which is part of why I’m not asking—but I wouldn’t have assigned you to this if I didn’t think you were capable, Tempest.”
Tempest shrugged. “Yes, Celestia.” To her side, Rainbow Dash grimaced, and turned to leave.
“Another thing,” Celestia said, and Rainbow stopped and looked back around. Celestia’s expression was much warmer now than it had been a minute before. “I said I didn’t call you here to learn to get along, and that was true: the mission takes priority. Even so, however, I hope you’ll find friendship on this journey together.”
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Oh, duh .”
Celestia looked at her, one eyebrow raised. Rainbow Dash continued, “Look, I know how this works, okay? We’ve got a chaos god playing O&O weekly with Spike and Big Mac at Twilight’s castle, down the hall from the dictator’s room!” She turned on her hoof and stomped toward the door of the throne room. “I get it! We’re gonna be great friends, and there’s nothing I can do about it!”
She stopped, presumably for dramatic effect, just at the doorway. “Just don’t expect me to rush the whole friend-making thing.” Then she took to the air and flew out.
Celestia shook her head. “I can’t say I didn’t expect that.”
Now that it was just the two of them alone, Tempest bit her lip. Turning Celestia into a statue was easy, but asking this of her might be harder.
“Tempest, you’re free to go. A Royal Guard will show you to your room while you’re at the castle.” Celestia tilted her head. “But I get the feeling you have a question to ask me?”
Tempest looked down at the ground, and closed her eyes. “Yes. You probably know what it’s about, too.”
“Yes.”
Tempest squeezed her eyes shut a little harder, feeling the old familiar scar bunch up on one eyelid. Then she whipped her head up and opened her eyes, staring pleadingly up at Celestia. “The Storm King said he would do it once he had all your magic, and he was lying, but maybe not about everything , right? So can you do it? Can you restore my horn?”
Now, Celestia’s expression was somber: eyes downcast, mouth frowning. “I do not know. I will ask Twilight and her student—two of the most ingenious spellcasters in a millennium. If it can be done, they are the ponies to figure out how… but I cannot promise success.”
Tempest hung her head, sucking in breaths through her teeth. It hurt to hear that.
Hurt ponies sometimes regressed to reacting on instinct.
Celestia paused for a moment, and then spoke gently, reaching out a hoof in Tempest’s peripheral vision. “Tempest, you are more than just your disability—” Her hoof touched Tempest’s shoulder.
Tempest grabbed Celestia’s foreleg and started swinging, and then stopped herself mid-movement, just before she could send Celestia slamming to the ground. She hurriedly let go after a moment, backing away as quickly as she could. “Sorry! Sorry, you kind of snuck up on me there!”
“How did I sneak up on you?” Celestia raised an eyebrow, with what might have been amusement under different circumstances. She rubbed her pulled hoof with evident discomfort. “We were having a conversation.”
“I’m sorry, really sorry, I.... I’ll just go.” Without a further word, Tempest trotted away.
The next day’s walk to the training grounds, for just the two of them to prepare, was done mostly in silence. It was a loud silence, though. The kind that just demanded to be heard. Rainbow Dash was being as blaringly silent as she possibly could.
Finally, Tempest could no longer take it. “What?”
The silence quieted down as Rainbow Dash glared at her. “You hurt a lot of ponies I care about.”
“I know. Sorry.”
“Like, all of them. Twilight and the girls, Scootaloo, the Princesses… my tortoise wasn’t fed on time because I was out saving the world, I had to take him to the vet to make sure he wasn’t hurt… so yeah, pretty much all of them.”
“Your point?”
“The point is,” Rainbow Dash said, as they rounded a corner and entered the wide courtyard, “don’t expect us to be besties anytime soon.”
“Good. You’re grating, I don’t like you, and I think you’ll be superfluous to this mission.”
Rainbow raised her eyebrows. “Wow, that’s blunt.”
“I’m known for being blunt.”
Rainbow Dash slammed into the ground, Tempest’s hoof on her throat, for the fifth time. “Come on! ” she shouted almost immediately, which meant she’d at least learned to avoid getting the wind knocked out of her. “I was flying , how’d you even do that! ”
“Without needing a horn. That’s how.” Tempest allowed herself a smirk; she was coming to enjoy seeing Rainbow sprawled beneath her. “Yet you keep needing your wings to last more than five seconds.”
“No fair.”
Rainbow tried to roll over onto her front. A jab of Tempest’s hoof stopped her. “Never, ever say that,” Tempest hissed. “Fights aren’t fair . First rule.”
“I know, I know, I know,” Rainbow grumbled, pushing Tempest’s hoof away and getting onto her hooves. “So are you gonna show me how to counter that thing you do, or do you just wanna beat me up some more? Because if that’s it then I’m leaving.”
Tempest gritted her teeth. “I’m not doing this for fun .”
“Really?” Rainbow frowned. “If I was as good at anything as you are at fighting—and I am, and the thing is flying, ‘cuz hoo boy, I am great at flying. Like, the best ever . Er, where the heck was I?”
Rainbow searched for her train of thought as Tempest rubbed the bridge of her nose with a hoof. “Oh, yeah,” Rainbow said. “The point is, if you’re awesome at it, you might as well love it.”
Tempest turned around and walked away, and counted to ten in her head. She hoped she wouldn’t need to keep counting.
“What?” Rainbow Dash said behind her.
Superfluous and annoying. “Nevermind,” Tempest said, turning around. “Now, here’s how you counter that strike….”
A day later, Rainbow Dash still couldn’t beat Tempest in a fight, or last longer than twelve seconds.
Which put her head and shoulders above the Royal Guards, none of whom could last four .
“Really?” Tempest called out, at the Royal Guard lieutenant who was doubled over wheezing in front of her. “I’m a cripple and I’m beating you! How can your pride take this, to be thrashed by somepony with a broken horn?”
She heard scratching behind her, and glanced back to see Rainbow Dash standing in the dirt, looking away from her and whistling innocently. As is universally known, this was the least innocent thing that can be done, but Tempest didn’t have time to think about it.
“Listen up, rookies,” she said, staring long and hard at the other trembling, bruised guardsponies. “If you couldn’t beat me now, how do you expect to beat the next invader? Should I chop off my legs too? Just keep dropping appendages until you finally get a win?”
More scratching from behind her, and she whipped her head around in time to see Rainbow Dash dragging a hoof through the dirt. Rainbow Dash looked up, saw her looking, and flinched—but then motioned with her head to come over. With gritted teeth, Tempest complied.
“What is that?” she said as she approached. Rainbow Dash hurriedly kicked more dirt on top of whatever she’d scored out of the ground, but before it was wiped out, Tempest made out what looked like tally marks. She frowned, but this was a question for another time.
“Look,” Rainbow whispered, “are you sure you’re not enjoying this? Because trust me, beating the snot out of them isn’t gonna help them learn any faster. They get enough of that every time an invasion rolls through, and they still kinda suck. And we’ve had, like, a bunch of invasions.”
Tempest frowned. “My way works .”
“Sure, on the Storm Troopers, maybe! This is Equestria, remember? We do it different here.” Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Look, you’ve done a great job playing bad cop, okay? Now it’s my turn.”
Rainbow trotted past Tempest. “All right, everypony, listen up! We’re gonna start with some basic combat drills first, before we get into the crazy one-on-ones again. Line up in a big row in front of that wall!”
As the ponies complied, Dash zipped into the air. She came back down a second later with a foreleg-full of cloud, which she deposited at ground level. She repeated this several more times, until there were about a score of low-lying cloud bundles. “These, ” Rainbow yelled, tapping one with a hoof, “are gonna be the invaders! Now, did you see the part where there’s more of them than there are of you?”
“Y-yes, ma’am!” The dozen-or-so guards shouted out an uneasy chorus.
“Which means you’ve gotta work together! Take down each foe quickly, and move on! Don’t let any of them reach the wall behind you! Ready, set, and, go! ”
Rainbow Dash jumped up, behind all the clouds, and flapped her wings until they became a blur, sending forth a blustering wind. The clouds—the invaders —moved forward at the speed of an easy jog.
With throaty cries, the guards charged. They were athletic enough, but uncoordinated; and contrary to Rainbow's instruction, most of them spent far too long on single clouds, several almost reaching the wall behind. However, some of the ponies got the idea to pair up, enabling them to pulverize each cloud more than twice as quickly as a single pony could, and with this innovation the guards were able to triumph. They hooted and hollered at their victory.
Tempest resisted the urge to berate them on celebrating such a minor achievement—not even two-on-one odds against them… but it was better than nothing. She eyed Rainbow Dash, eyebrow raised. Maybe not completely superfluous.
Rainbow turned to direct another drill, and Tempest raised an eyebrow. Not to mention, not too hard on the eyes. She glanced up at the hair and frowned. Most of her, anyway.
“Where are we going?” Tempest asked.
“Canterlot Carousel. I wanna chat with Rarity. So, are you a blank flank or something?”
Tempest glanced at Rainbow Dash, eyes narrowed, as they stopped before a Canterlot thoroughfare to let some carriages pass. “What?”
“Er, sorry, I don’t know the PC term for it. Er….” Rainbow’s eyes screwed up in concentration. “Would you describe yourself as ‘cutie mark disadvantaged’?”
“PC?”
“You know, like how Princess Celestia would say it. PC.”
Tempest sighed. “Why do you care?”
“Full disclosure: Spike and I have a bet.” Dash winked. “I say you’re, uh… mark challenged, he says you’ve got a cutie mark, and there’s twenty bits in it for me if I’m right. Of course, it doesn’t count unless one of us, well, sees the evidence.”
Tempest grunted. The carts didn’t seem to be stopping so she bent her legs and leaped , going right over to the other side of the street. She set off at a trot, but Rainbow Dash flew behind her and kept pace. Tempest growled and looked behind herself. “I’m not showing you my flank so you can win a bet.”
“Come on , I’ve never seen you out of that armor! Do you even wash it?” Rainbow groaned. “Whatever’s hidden under there, it’s gotta be really bad, right? Because you don’t have any problem showing off your horn, and you’re super hung up about that.”
“I am not hung up about my horn!” Tempest yelled, and sparks flew from the bone in question. Suddenly the crowd around them dispersed, giving the two a wide berth.
Rainbow rolled her eyes, flying upside-down ahead of Tempest and looking backward at her. “Puh-leez . You bring it up more than everypony else combined. I was keeping count, you know.”
“That’s what the tallies were?”
“Final count was twenty six.”
Tempest fought off the urge to do something that would land her in jail, like unleashing a magic burst and obliterating the nearby area. Or just running around, suplexing ponies at random. Both seemed maddeningly tempting. “Where are we even going , anyway?”
“Like I said, Canterlot Carousel. I thought I could pop in and bug Rarity, and maybe get you something.”
“Get me something?”
They turned a corner and came upon a cylindrical building, like some giant gaudy cake. How Canterlot .
A bell dinged as they entered the store. “Welcome to Canterlot Carousel, where every dress is chic, unique, and magnifique!” said not-Rarity. In fact, Rarity was nowhere to be seen as Tempest looked around the boutique: all she saw were shoppers, and one tall blue unicorn with an orange mane behind the desk.
“Aww, Sassy Saddles!” Rainbow’s eyes were wide. “Oh, no, is Rarity not here! Aww, man, what a bummer! And we came all this way!”
“It was a five minute walk,” Tempest muttered.
“Oh, what a horrible shame,” Rainbow cried out, “to come all this way for nothing!”
“But Rainbow,” Sassy said, “Rarity’s never here on Wednesdays. She’s in Ponyville. Don’t you know—”
“Sassy-shut-up-before-you-ruin-this-for-me,” Rainbow hissed, and then said, “Oh, well, while we’re here, we might as well get something for Tempest! How about—”
She zipped away in a rainbow blur that blew back Tempest’s mane. The moment Tempest had readjusted it, Rainbow came back with another gust. “ A hat!” Rainbow yelled, holding what could only be described as… a hat.
Well, okay. If pressed, Tempest could probably say that it had a wide crown and a wider brim, and was tan in color. A bit cowpony-ish, if anything. “Try it!” Rainbow said, slamming it onto Tempest’s head, then whisking a mirror in front of her. Looking at her reflection, Tempest couldn’t help but notice how it covered her broken horn.
She gave Rainbow Dash a level stare. “Seriously?”
“Yeah, it looks great on you! And look, what a coincidence! It totally covers… your… horn.” Rainbow petered off as Tempest’s stare wore her down. “Okay, fine,” Rainbow finally said, rubbing her neck, “it’s mostly because of the horn. I thought you’d like it.”
“Like it?” Tempest clenched her jaw. “I don’t look good in hats. So don’t try to get me any gag gift.”
Rainbow’s jaw hung open. “Gag? You think this is—after I actually—” Then, she shook herself and narrowed her eyes. “That’s not a gag gift.”
She yanked the hat off Tempest’s head, sped away for a second, and then returned with something infinitely worse: a giant ten-gallon construction that appeared to be made entirely of confetti and feathers. When Rainbow slammed it onto her head, Tempest’s neck actually hurt.
“This ,” Rainbow declared, “is a gag gift.” She turned to Sassy and threw a sack of bits onto the counter. “Bought it, it’s done, keep the change. And happy early Hearth’s Warming,” she said to Tempest.
Tempest stared back as much as she could, with all this fluff in and around her eyes. It was on . What exactly was on, she wasn’t sure, but something definitely was.
“What a day!” Rainbow yawned as the two of them ambled into their suite of rooms in Cloudsdale, after a full ten hours spent training the Cloudsdale Wonderbolt division in not being terrible. “Man, it is weird being the one supervising Spitfire. I feel like the world’s upside-down or something!”
“You’re flying upside down.”
Rainbow blinked. “Oh, I am! Huh.” She spun around in the air, forcing Tempest to duck, and landed on the non-cloudy floor—an important accommodation, as Tempest’s cloud-walking spell was as dubious as any other piece of magic she could do, and she didn’t need it giving out in her hotel room. “Welp, I’m wiped out. Gonna hit the hay for a while, and then we can grab dinner or something?”
Tempest grunted noncommittally, and walked to her own room as Rainbow walked to hers. Wait for it .
“Yo, uh, Tempest?” The voice was from Rainbow’s room, right on cue. “There’s a box on my bed. It says, ‘From Tempest’. What’s the deal?”
“It’s a gift. From Tempest. Which is to say, from me.” Tempest rolled her eyes as she sank into her mattress: how could she have to explain this? Was there some sort of inverse correlation between smarts and butt tautness? “Maybe you should open it.”
Tempest heard the sound of paper ripping, and then one of Rainbow’s trademark zooming sounds approaching at high speed. And then, of course, a loud voice right in her ear. “Gray mane dye! This is awesome ! This is just what I need for my Daring Do cosplay! And here I thought it was gonna be a gag gift! Thanks!”
Tempest groaned: this was not the plan. “Hey,” Rainbow said, backing off a bit, “What’s up?”
“I was just thinking,” Tempest replied, rolling over onto her back, “that as long as we’re concerned about the eyesores on each others’ heads, you might like it if your hair wasn’t the loudest thing in the room.”
Rainbow took a step back, the excitement draining out of her face. “Oh. Okay. I guess you got me after all.” She put on a grin, obviously forced. “Darn it! I guess I’ll have to get even with you!”
Tempest squinted. “We are even. I just got even with you.”
“Oh, we’re not even.” Rainbow chuckled joylessly. “We’re definitely not even.”
Without warning, Tempest sank halfway into the clouds of Stratusburg.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Rainbow yelled. Before Tempest could do anything about it, Rainbow had her armor in her teeth, straining and heaving with her wings as she pulled her back up to cloud level. “Are you okay?”
Tempest grunted. She tested the clouds again, and for now they seemed to be holding, although sparks flew from her hooves with each contact. “I’m fine,” she muttered.
“See, this is why I said you should have the guards cast the spell on you.” Rainbow’s face wasn’t so much worried as exasperated. “I don’t need us to be training, and then to have to go and rescue you because your magic’s shorted out!”
“Why wouldn’t you want that? We both know you need every chance you can get against me.”
“You keep telling yourself that.”
“I don’t need to tell myself anything. The facts tell it.”
“I’m getting better every day!”
“You’re up to half a minute.”
“Still!”
“Maybe you should spend more time practicing if you want to really improve.”
“You think I need more drilling in my life? Yeah, no .” Rainbow shivered herself, and then seemed to remember something. “Oh! Speaking of practice.” With one wing she opened up her saddlebag and pulled out a box, wrapped in paper with a bow around it. “I thought you might like to have this. Come on,” she said, holding back obvious sniggers. “You’re gonna love it.”
Tempest sighed, then grabbed the box in one hoof and ripped off the paper with her teeth. Inside was a book with bright colors, cover art that appeared to have been done in crayon, and the title “My Very First Spellbook” across the top.
She gritted her teeth and tossed it over her shoulder.
“Hey, hey!” Rainbow jumped for the book and caught it before it hit the clound. Ground. Cloud-ground. Whatever in Tartarus they called it here. Tempest shook herself, feeling a stress headache coming on.
“You can’t just throw this away!” Rainbow called out. “It’s a gift! I kept the dye, you kept the hat, that’s how this works!” She held it out to Tempest.
“Fine,” Tempest said. “I’ll be sure to hold onto it real tight.” She grabbed it in her magic. As she expected, it took no longer than a second for it to vibrate free and fling itself sky high. “Whoops,” she said, eyes locked with Rainbow.
Rainbow groaned and zoomed off to catch it again.
“Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh,” Tempest ughed.
“How—” Rainbow Dash bonked her head against the wall “—can—” bonk “—one—” bonk “—platoon—” bonk “—be—” bonk “—so—” bonk “—stupid?”
“Ugh.” Tempest rested her forehead against the wall opposite Rainbow’s. It was cool to the touch. Maybe it would make her headache go away.
“You know we’re gonna have to stay an extra day to finish teaching ‘em, right?” Rainbow Dash groaned, leaning her side against the wall. “How are we gonna tell the Princess that we’re missing our schedule because an entire city’s defense force sucks?”
“Well, look at the bright side,” Tempest said, grunting when she meant to chuckle. “Maybe you could take the extra day and get another five seconds on me.”
The effect was immediate, as though Tempest’s words were a lightning rod, and Rainbow’s ire the lightning. “What are you saying exactly?” Rainbow said, rounding on her.
“What I’m saying is….” Tempest stopped, and tapped her chin. “Actually, let me put it this way.”
She rummaged in her belongings for a few seconds before pulling out a larger box. “For you,” she said, offering it to Rainbow.
Rainbow snatched it without wasting any time, and ripped the paper to shreds. Inside was a “Fun and Fitness for Foals” weight set, advertised as having weights up to ten pounds. They were brightly colored and padded.
Rainbow glared first at the box, then at Tempest. “What in Tartarus is this? Are you saying I’m weak? ”
“Numbers don’t lie, Miss ‘Thirty-Five Seconds’ Dash.”
“Oh, that is it! ”
Rainbow jumped up, zipped to the window, yanked it open, and blasted into the night sky so quickly that the curtains were pulled through behind her. Tempest didn’t react, other than crossing the room to lay on the couch. It was closer than her bed. Not that she was physically tired, but her brain needed a break from the same repetitive nonsense. Over, and over, and over ….
She stayed like that, staring at the opposite wall and stewing for several minutes, until Rainbow blew back through the window with a box in her hooves. “Here!” she yelled, and tossed it at Tempest, who caught it in one hoof.
The box said “For a Very Special Pony” on the cardboard part, but there was a clear plastic section to let her look inside.
And what was inside was a long, purple phallus with a fabric harness attached.
She stared at it for a few seconds, then stared up at Rainbow. “What’s this for?”
“It’s so you can literally go fuck yourself! ”
Rainbow made a sound somewhere between a groan and a shout, then turned around, flicking her tail out, and stomped toward her room. She was blushing, too. Tempest took a moment to assess the package….
“No,” Tempest said, “it’s not.”
Rainbow stopped, one forehoof leaning on the wall next to her bedroom. “Trust me. It is.”
“No. If it were a dildo , yes. But you bought me a strap-on .” Almost without thinking about it, Tempest opened the box and removed the strap-on. “This isn’t to use on your own. This game takes two players.”
Rainbow was blushing, as if the sun were setting on her pretty face. “What are you talking about?”
“Rainbow Dash.” Tempest got up from the couch, looking over her shoulder at the pegasus behind her. “I don’t like you, and you don’t like me. But I think we can agree that we’ve both got a lot of stress to burn off.”
She turned around, just as she finished affixing the strap-on to her crotch. It jutted obscenely beneath her, and she felt it brush against the armor on her belly. “So how about we do just that. My room, five minutes. Be there.”
Without waiting for a reply from her beet-red, stammering counterpart, she turned tail and entered her room, closing the door behind her. It was good that Rainbow hadn’t followed her in, because the first step to getting ready to truly wear the strap-on would be to take it off: her armor was in the way of a truly stress-burning experience. With the slow care of experience, she removed her armor piece by piece.
Last to come off was the piece on the flank. As she pulled it off and stored it, her cutie mark was revealed: a spear point, broken off the shaft, in front of a burst of color.
As she re-affixed the strap-on, the door opened, and Tempest let out a breath she hadn’t known she was holding. Well, not literally holding. More like a breath of the soul. “Hey,” Rainbow said, creeping into the room, looking a lot less antagonistic than before; Tempest felt herself relaxing at the sight. “So, um, about what you said….”
“Yes?”
“Yes. I mean, yes, I’m up for it.”
“Good. I think we’re going to enjoy this.”
Without further ceremony, Tempest grabbed Rainbow and tossed her onto the bed, as easily as throwing a pillow. “Hey!” Rainbow started, and then stopped as she blushed, and stared at Tempest’s crotch. “Oh, sweet Luna.”
“It’s nice, isn’t it,” Tempest said, reaching back with a forehoof to rub the strap-on, feeling it press and grind against her own marehood.
“Actually, uh… I owe Spike twenty bits. And I’m wondering why you were ever hiding that.”
Tempest realized she was staring not at Tempest’s crotch, but at her flank—specifically, her cutie mark. “So, what does that mean?” Rainbow asked, as Tempest turned toward her. “You’re good at fighting?”
Tempest mounted the bed, and stepped forward until she was atop Rainbow Dash. “Tonight,” she whispered, “it means the same thing it has every day we’ve fought. It means I’m going to pound you until you beg for mercy.”
Rainbow’s face went so red, Tempest could hardly believe it had ever been blue. “Oh, boy.”
To Rainbow’s credit, she lasted longer in the sheets than she did in practice.
But not by much.
“Oh, wow,” Rainbow gasped, her chest heaving as she lay next to Tempest, both of them drenched with sweat. “Oh, wow. Stress, definitely burned off.”
Tempest chuckled, slowly bucking her hips against the strap-on, just because it felt nice. “I’m glad you feel the way I do. Now can you please get out of my bed?”
Rainbow rolled over to look at her. “What? You don’t wanna cuddle, or whatever else is supposed to happen after sex?”
Tempest imagined laying beside Rainbow Dash. Just being next to her. Totally exposed, unprepared for any strike. She winced. “No, I don’t think so.”
Rainbow pouted. It didn’t look like a jokey pout; if anything, it looked almost hurt, and Tempest was reconsidering her decision, just before Rainbow shrugged. “Okay, fine.” She pulled herself out of the tangled-up sheets and got gingerly on her hooves, and walked carefully to the door.
At the door, though, she stopped. “So, what are we?”
“What?” Tempest asked.
“I mean, I don’t think we’re girlfriends, right? I’m pretty sure we’re not even friends. So, like, what do we call the thing that's between us?”
“How about….” Tempest smiled. “Rivals? With benefits?”
Rainbow smiled back. “That works for me. G’night. Gonna kick your ass tomorrow, Fizzlepop!”
She walked out of the room and gently closed the door. Tempest sighed, relaxing into her sweat-covered bed. “Don’t call me...” she mumbled, quietly enough that Rainbow didn’t hear. She didn’t bother finishing it: there wasn’t any point.
She ground the strap-on against the sheets, appreciating the feeling for a while longer, then pulled the sheets off and undid the device. However, as she grabbed it with her hoof and made to return it to its box, she hesitated, an idea crossing her mind.
No, that would be stupid.
And yet.
Tempest walked to her room’s bathroom, still holding the strap-on, and slowly pressed it against her forehead.
Frankendick (or: Dickenstein)
On a good day, Tempest scared children.
On a great day, she made them cry.
“How come you tried to destroy Equestria?” said a schoolfilly, as Rainbow Dash signed her Wonderbolt poster. She looked up at Tempest with unscared, un-crying eyes, standing at the front of the line in the Cloudsdale Elementary classroom.
Today was neither good nor great. Maybe it was the penis on her forehead.
Tempest sighed. “I had friendship problems as a filly.”
“Oh, like I keep arguing with Brisk Winds because he doesn’t know Mistress Marevelous is the best Power Pony?”
Tempest knew none of these names. “Mm-hmm.”
The schoolfilly considered this for a moment, as Rainbow hoofed back her poster. “Does that mean I get to destroy Equestria when I grow up?”
“Mm-hmm—no! No, don’t do that! Stay in school!”
It was perhaps too late, for the child had already turned to leave. “Thanks!” she said, calling back to Tempest. “I like your horn! It’s silly!”
Tempest did not wave back to her. What she did was hiss to Rainbow Dash, for the seventeenth time, “This was a mistake.”
“It totally wasn’t! I told you,” Rainbow whispered, covering her mouth with a hoof. “It just makes you more approachable. Kids love the dildo.” Her eyes widened. “That came out wrong. Don’t repeat it.”
“Don’t want to be approachable to children.” Tempest spoke out the corner of her mouth.
“Aww, but how are you gonna suplex ‘em if you don’t get close?”
“Don’t want to fight children either.”
“You don’t? What, afraid you’d lose?” Dash teased. When Tempest said nothing, Rainbow’s eyes widened. “Oh my Cadance, are you?”
Tempest shot her a look. “Cadance?”
“No one ever swears on her. I feel like she gets left out.”
“You ponies and your swearing-on-your-princesses thing.” Tempest rolled her eyes.
Rainbow seemed about to reply, and then the next child approached. Tempest took a steadying breath, calming her nerves. It was fine: kids didn’t know about this kind of thing anyway.
“Why do you got a penis on your head, miss?”
Oh, right. Boys.
Tempest grinned at the hoof pointing at her head, but it was the grin that a stressed animal makes: completely unconnected with the concept of smiling. “It’s just a prosthetic.”
“Okay, miss. It’s just it looks like a penis, is all.”
Behind the colt, a pegasus mare—hopefully his mother—cringed with each word. “Why don’t you talk to Rainbow Dash?” Tempest said without moving her teeth. “She loves it when ponies pay attention to her.”
“Okay, miss!” The child turned to face Rainbow Dash. “Hi, miss! Why does your friend got a penis on her head?”
Tempest buried her head in her hooves, wondering how exactly she’d gotten roped into this, and by the time she opened her eyes again, the child had mercifully disappeared along with his mother.
“You know what’s funny?” Rainbow asked, turning to her. The teachers chaperoning this event seemed ready to let another group of children into the room, but for now, Tempest and Rainbow were free to chat.
“Is it the penis on my head.” Tempest stared levelly at her.
“Yup.” Dash snorted. “But besides that. You keep saying ‘your princesses’. Not ‘our princesses’.”
This provoked a blink from Tempest. “I’m still getting used to ‘everypony’. Don’t push me.”
The next children had been let in, and had formed a line. Tempest signed a poster for the first of them, who thankfully didn’t ask any probing questions. “Besides,” she continued, “they never were my princesses. My hometown wasn’t in Equestria.”
“That’d explain the lousy sex-ed, I guess.”
Tempest stared at Rainbow. Rainbow shrugged. “You know that kids here know about, like, the body, right? It’s not some weird taboo thing—I mean, sure, it’s weird to have one up top, but it’s not like super dirty or whatever. You’re the only one hung up about it. Again.”
Tempest growled. “Yes, the sex-ed was bad. So were the social care and the anti-bullying initiatives.”
Her horn sparked in emphasis, and Rainbow waved at her to stop. “Hey, hey, you’re just gonna make it worse!”
Tempest subsided. “Sorry.”
“Wow, you really don’t like kids, huh.”
“Children were involved in most of the worst experiences of my life.” Tempest thought for a moment. “All of them, if you count the Storm King. So no, I don’t like being around them.”
Which was an awful shame, when she thought about it.
Abruptly, she stood. “You know what?” she said. “This signing is over.”
The filly in front of her pouted in dismay. “But miss!”
“Don’t ‘miss’ me.” Tempest frowned, and noticed a sheaf of posters to her left, and a bucket of markers to her right. “In fact, don’t miss me either. You’re all getting souvenirs.”
Tempest grabbed both collections and divvied them out, sending them floating in front of her: one marker per poster. As one, the markers signed her name on the posters, which then flew into the crowd, sending foals scrambling to grab them. As Tempest trotted past the shrieking children and into the hallway, she couldn’t help but feel like she’d just started a riot.
She passed the last few children outside and entered an unoccupied hallway before Rainbow Dash finally zipped in front of her, mouth hanging loosely open. “What?” Tempest said. “So what if they’re going to fight over the posters. They’re ten. How much damage can they possibly—”
“You just used magic! ” Dash yelled into Tempest’s face. “Oh, sorry,” she added at Tempest’s wince. “You just used magic! Like, really complicated magic!”
Tempest blinked a few times. “I… I did. Oh my….”
She caught herself as Dash started grinning. “Oh your what ?” Dash asked, motioning with a hoof.
“Not gonna swear on Celestia. Or any of them.”
“Aww.” Rainbow’s pout was short lived. “But seriously! I wasn’t really thinking about it, but you were using some telekinesis magic when we sparred earlier today, too!” She gasped. “Have you been reading that book I gave you?”
“I have not!”
“I bet you’ve been wearing the hat too!”
“I just told you, no!” Tempest gritted her teeth, feeling a traitorous blush coming on. “I bought... another book. I’ve been practicing in my own time. But I don’t think that’s what did it it. I wasn’t making any… headway.” She groaned at her unintended pun.
“But if practicing didn’t do it, then….” Rainbow Dash trailed off. She started looking up. Tempest followed her gaze, and ended up cross-eyed.
“No,” Tempest said.
Rainbow snickered.
“I refuse to accept something so juvenile.”
Rainbow’s muffled sniggerings continued, as the two of them stared at Tempest’s new dick-horn.
Tempest grabbed a bit of the wall in front of her with her magic: it came out easily, and she flung it down the hallway. To her enraged delight, it flew in exactly the trajectory she’d envisioned. “It can’t be that simple!” she yelled. “It can’t be as simple as shoving any old thing on there as a substitute!”
“Maybe,” Dash said, before fighting back another round of laughter. “Maybe it only works for dicks.”
Tempest growled. “That’s it. Where’s the kitchen around here?”
Five minutes later, they were in a bathroom stall for privacy. Equestrian obscenity standards be damned, Tempest wasn’t doing this in the open.
“I’m still not sure about this,” Dash said. The steak knife that Tempest had stolen from the kitchen was held in an elastic band around her hoof. “It’s helping your magic, and all.”
“Cut it off,” Tempest said, squatted on the toilet seat.
“Maybe I could, like, shave off these flangey parts at the top so it looks like less of a dick?”
“Cut all of it off.”
Dash grit her teeth. “You’re the boss.” After a deep breath, she brought up the knife to the base of the dildo, just above Tempest’s horn stump. Delicately, like a violinist, she sawed at it.
Tempest gasped in her throat.
“What?” Dash stopped immediately. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Tempest muttered. “Keep going.”
“Okay?” But when Dash sawed again, Tempest couldn’t stop a cry from coming out. “Okay, no . Is this hurting you?”
Tempest realized with a start that, er, yes . Yes it was. Quite a lot, as if Dash were cutting into a very sensitive organ.
Rainbow frowned. “Okay, that makes no sense. It can’t hurt to touch that, because it’s a piece of plastic, and… holy Twilight!”
Before Tempest could ask what was wrong, Dash pressed a hoof against the dildo, then brought it down to Tempest’s eye-level. There was an unmistakable red blotch there. “You’re bleeding,” Rainbow said. “Almost like it’s….”
The two of them shared a look, and Tempest could feel their shared realization: there was no almost about this. “Did it happen when I kept using magic?” Tempest asked, wondering aloud. “Maybe it didn’t just fuse, it…”
Her words were cut off with a shiver as Dash took a piece of toilet paper and rubbed at the cut. As soon as Dash noticed the shiver, she stopped. “Hey, I’m trying to clean up the wound. Sit,” Dash ordered.
“Dash,” Tempest said, trying to sit motionless as Dash went at it again, and only succeeding in squirming. “How liberal exactly is—oh— how liberal is Equestria’s view on sex?”
“Like I said, pretty liberal. Hold still .”
“Is it liberal enough,” Tempest said, her cheeks luminescent, “that it’s okay to give a hoofjob in a public restroom?”
Dash froze. “What? Oh. Oh no.” Her eyes flickered between Tempest’s face and her own hoof, which was rubbing the functional organ atop Tempest’s head. She withdrew immediately. “Oh my gosh, I didn’t even—sorry, I mean—”
“And we’re in a public school.”
“Yeah, this is—this is bad.”
“We shouldn’t do this.”
“Right.”
They stared at each other for a few seconds. Tempest was panting, and Dash was blushing.
Then Dash went at it.
Tempest shoved a hoof in her mouth, bit it, and hoped it would stop the noise. It wasn’t working: squeaks and moans kept escaping. In front of her, Dash had only one hoof on her dildo-cum-horn, and the other was lower on Dash’s body. Made sense. No point in letting Tempest have all the fun.
The stroking got more intense. This was so dirty . In a bathroom stall. With genitalia that wasn’t even hers. And Dash. Leaning in. Touching herself.
Biting down hard enough to draw fresh blood, Tempest came explosively.
This was not a figure of speech.
“Oh my Flurry Heart! ” Dash blurted, flattening herself against the stall door as a blast of energy shot from the dickhorn and smashed through the ceiling. Ceilings , in fact: Tempest looked up in awe, seeing the magical shot dissipate into the blue sky above.
“Oh, man, that killed my vibe,” Dash moaned, staring up and wincing as bits of plaster fell onto her nose. She shivered with useless arousal, like an engine dying. “I was so close. ”
“Maybe we should go,” Tempest said, wiping her horn/penis off with a hoof. There was sticky stuff all over her hoof now. “Ugh,” she muttered, showing it to Rainbow.
Rainbow stared at the fluid. “How did you… you don’t have balls.”
Under normal circumstances, Tempest might have taken this as a challenge. This time, however, she just cocked her head (for the second time that day) and said, “You need balls to cum?”
Rainbow whistled. “Wow. Your sex-ed sucked. ”
Tempest felt that in this case, having balls was the least thing that mattered, but she didn’t say so as she opened the door to the stall. With her magic. And the door didn’t catch fire, or explode, or go flying through a wall or anything .
Maybe she could get used to this.
Without further words, the two of them washed all the bodily fluids into the sink, then left the building without talking to one another all day. There was a lunch break on their schedule, and Tempest couldn’t help but feel like they might be spending it separately, which was not their usual.
As Tempest walked down the street, she frowned, and then ducked into a back alley—somewhere where she wouldn’t make too much of a commotion. Then she focused. Focused on the most powerful piece of magic she could reliably cast: the fireworks spell.
Her horn fizzled, and a few pops came out.
It felt nice, at least. Tempest frowned at the lack of bangs, but shrugged, and walked back from the alley to find some lunch. When she looked at everything in balance, when she compared it to what she could do now, it was a tiny price to pay.
And what could she do now?
Author's Note
Thanks to ChappedPenguinLips and Majin Syeekoh for prereading! And to Oroboro, who helped me figure out the setting that ended up being surprisingly important.
Sound came back first, announced by a regular beeping noise, like bits being flicked at Tempest’s face.
“So a tube. With a conduit going up the middle, to channel the magic and, well, the juices.” She heard chalk dragging along a board with each sentence. “Flanges at the top to vent the power….”
Touch returned next, and Tempest wished it hadn’t. There was the somewhat okay sensation of being under sheets, but that was filtered through a full-body ache, most intense at her head. Not to mention the pinching in her upper foreleg. And—wait, if she could feel the sheets, then... her armor was gone. Her armor was gone!
“Wow,” another voice said, clearly holding back laughter. “It pretty much has to look like a penis, huh.”
Next on the returning faculties list was probably vision, but Tempest went ahead and rearranged the order long enough to take control of her voice. Well, not a lot of control. “Gnnugh,” she mumbled.
“Shut up, shut up! She’s coming to!”
This third, rasping voice was more familiar. Tempest finally got her sight back, and opened her eyes to see Rainbow, Princess Twilight Sparkle, and a pinkish unicorn she didn’t recognize. “Tempest?” Rainbow said, looking more worried the more Tempest’s vision recovered. There were bright lights above her that made it hard to see, and the ceiling looked white.
Doctors and nurses started to crowd around them, but Twilight waved them off. “Whew,” she said, “that could have been bad. Tempest?” A note of concern entered her voice as well. “Talk to me, Tempest?” She looked at Rainbow. “Is she okay?”
“Yo, Fizzlepop!” Dash yelled.
“Don’t call me Fizzlepop.”
Rainbow’s shoulders relaxed immediately. “She’s okay.”
“Where am I?” Tempest grumbled. “Where’s my armor?”
She tried to sit up, but Dash and Twilight both pushed her down. This shouldn’t have been possible, but Tempest was starting to get the picture that she wasn't at her best. “Still in Las Pegasus, and don’t move ,” Twilight said. “We weren’t sure if you were gonna be okay, so don’t mess it up now.”
“Of course I’m not okay,” Tempest said. “Rainbow chopped off my penis horn.”
The unrecognized unicorn failed to stifle a giggle. “Oh, if only that were your only problem.”
“Get me my armor!” Tempest said through a throat that felt like sandpaper.
The beeping sped up, but Twilight’s hoof pushed more firmly on her. “Nuh-uh. The doctors have an IV in you, trying to replace the fluids you spooged away. You think they’d appreciate trying to put it in through your armor? Relax , Tempest!”
Tempest dry-gulped. Somehow, despite being shorter and less physically intimidating than her (and certainly less than Celestia), Twilight was definitely managing to claim her obedience. The pulse-beeps slowed down again. “Fluids?” she asked. “You mean the cum, right?”
The unicorn giggled again. “And who are you?” Tempest said, narrowing her eyes, unable to even lift a hoof to point at the giggler.
“Starlight Glimmer. Formerly evil. Kiiiiinda good at magic.” Starlight waved energetically. “I was helping Twilight look into how to fix your horn, buu-uut then you went and solved the problem all on your own!” Starlight beamed, and her horn glowed. “Orrrr not. Can I show you?”
Her magic pulled a rolling chalkboard toward the bed, and Tempest sat up slightly to see it. There was a penis drawn on it, spurting fluid from the top.
“So,” Starlight said, “Rainbow Dash said that the more magic you used, the more of that sticky, clear-ish fluid came out, right?”
“Sure,” Tempest said. “Because I was stimulating the horn, and… that was cum, right?” she asked, squinting.
“Cum? From what balls?” Starlight laughed without stifling it, but then seemed to sober up as she stopped. “Tempest, that was cerebrospinal fluid. AKA, brain juice .”
Tempest’s mouth opened in something between confusion and dawning horror.
“The fluid gets channeled up this conduit,” Starlight said, magically drawing a pointer up the central channel of the penis, “and it acts to stabilize the flow of magic. But doing so burns it out—denatures the proteins or something, not sure—so it’s got to be expelled as waste. The more magic you use, the more fluid you waste, until….”
Starlight drew a rough depiction of a brain beneath the penis, and then put a large, thick X through it.
Tempest winced as Starlight continued. “Nopony has ever burned through their own brain like this to try to cast magic, so we don’t know the symptoms exactly … but if I had to guess? Probably increased aggressiveness and decreased cognitive function. We’re all glad you didn’t suffer any permanent damage! Rainbow most of all,” she added. “She broke some windows getting you to the hospital.”
Tempest chuckled. “A Sonic Rainboom, huh?”
“Well, that and….” Rainbow forced an awkward grin, and glanced behind her. Tempest strained her neck to look, and saw a broken window to her room. “Strictly speaking I broke into the hospital. It’s cool, though, I’m a national hero.”
“Honestly,” Starlight said, “and Twilight, stop me if I start sounding too sociopathic—but this is so cool! ” She did a little excited dance, an annoying foil to Tempest’s own lack of energy. “We’ve never been able to learn about trying to replicate a horn like this before! Your experience is gonna be invaluable to the study of unicorn anatomy. I don’t suppose you’d be willing to do it again, for science—”
Twilight’s hoof rose and gently, but firmly, covered Starlight’s mouth. Starlight shut up for a few seconds, then glanced at Twilight and said, “Thanks.”
“No problem,” Twilight replied.
“So,” Tempest said, sitting up a little more and wincing with the effort, “does any of that invaluable experience get me any closer to having my horn fixed for real?”
Twilight and Starlight sucked in anxious breaths at the same time, whereas Rainbow just looked downcast. Tempest looked down at her front. “I see.”
“It’s not necessarily impossible,” Twilight said, forcing a smile. “Proving a negative is really difficult. But we don’t have a good way to replicate the material in a unicorn’s horn, and if we’re using something else, then like Starlight was saying….” She took another breath. “It does basically have to be a penis.”
Starlight giggled again.
“Stop that!” Twilight said.
Rainbow leaned in close to Tempest and whispered, “No sex ed.” The two of them shared a quick smile.
“In any case,” Twilight said, with almost no feathers ruffled, “we’re still going to keep trying. For your sake.” She smiled at Tempest.
This was a smile Tempest didn’t share. “Then for my sake. Stop .”
Twilight’s eyebrows went up so fast there should have been a sound effect to go with them. Like a slide whistle, or something. “Beg pardon?”
“I can’t keep doing this!” Eyes squeezed shut, Tempest pounded the mattress with a hoof. “Waiting on some hope about my horn, and watching it get yanked away. Again and again! I can’t .”
She sighed, then opened her eyes and locked gazes with Twilight. “Twilight, I know you care. I know you’re not the Storm King. But… I can’t live like this any longer. As far as I’m concerned, it’s better never than late.”
Twilight stared at her for a few seconds longer, then exhaled. “I… I think I understand. You have to move on with your life.”
A new beeping reached Tempest’s ears. Not the sound of her pulse being taken, but an alarm. She looked down and noticed: the IV was out of her foreleg. It must have come out when she pounded her hoof. “Oh, damn ,” she swore under her breath.
“Princess Twilight,” said a new voice. Male. One of the doctors had come over. “I don’t mean to butt in, but we need to tend to our patient now.”
“You’re right, you’re right,” Twilight said, shaking her head—at herself, presumably. “Come on, Starlight, Rainbow. We should leave her be.”
Starlight straightened up to leave, grabbing the rolling board in her magic, but Rainbow didn’t move. “Can’t I stay with her?” she said, half to Twilight and half to the swarming hospital staff. “I’m her friend.”
Twilight tilted her head. “We’re all friends here, Rainbow.”
“Sure, but I’m, like, her butt buddy.”
Twilight froze for a moment. “Oh. O-okay.” The moment passed, and she turned to leave with Starlight. They stepped through the door.
“Princess Twilight!” Tempest called out, just before they were gone. Twilight turned around, and Tempest asked, in a lower voice, “Seriously, where’s my armor? And can I please have it back?”
“The hospital staff are disinfecting it, but you’ll get it back soon enough,” Twilight said. “You’re not going to get attacked in Las Pegasus General Hospital, Tempest. It’s okay.”
Rainbow zipped away from Tempest’s bedside and over to Twilight. “Uh, Twilight,” she said, softly but not so much so that Tempest couldn’t hear. “It’s not that. It’s… I think it’s a, what’s the word for it? Comfort item for her?”
Twilight’s shoulders seemed to tense for a moment, but it could have been a trick of Tempest’s uncertain vision. “I see how that could work, but… I’m sorry, Rainbow. She’s just going to have to be vulnerable for a while.”
Twilight turned back to Tempest and said, in a carrying voice, “Get some rest, Tempest.” And then she and Starlight were gone.
“Stay still,” murmured the doctor, repositioning the needle above Tempest’s foreleg. Tempest tensed, hoping he was just going to reinsert it into the same hole, but he poked it into a new part of her skin instead. Tempest gasped with pain. Somehow this felt much worse than a supersonic kick to the chest.
But Rainbow was there, at her bedside. Tempest narrowed her eyes.
“Hey, uh….” Rainbow grimaced, seeming unsure. “Are you mad at me, or something? Cuz I cut off your horn?”
“Why do you ask?”
“You’re glaring at me.”
“What? I’m trying to focus on you.”
Rainbow Dash, the anchor point in this uncertainly viewed world, blushed.
A nurse moved in to take her blood pressure. Then another, or perhaps the same one, to get her pulse, and her breathing, and listen to her lungs, and a thousand other diagnostics. After a whirlwind of activity that either took five hours or five minutes, it was done.
And now it was just Rainbow and her, with a bed. With no armor.
Tempest shivered.
“Seriously though,” Rainbow said, “are you mad at me? Because I totally get it if you are.”
Tempest shook her head as firmly as she could, which wasn’t much. “It had to go. Thanks.”
“Anytime, I guess?” Rainbow chuckled weakly, like she was the one who’d lost a gallon of fluids. “So… about, well, the schedule.”
“The schedule?”
Tempest’s gaze must have been uncomprehending enough that Rainbow noticed. And then facehoofed. “Crud. And here I was thinking you were worrying about it the whole time, and now I’ve probably just actually made you worry—”
The schedule. The one to train all the troops of Equestria, to save the country. That beeping was speeding up again. “How long was I out?” she asked, bolting almost upright. “Oh, Tartarus , how far behind are we—”
“Zero .”
Rainbow’s hoof was on her again. “You were out for about eighteen hours, and we are zero days, or hours, or anything behind. We’re off the schedule.” Rainbow smiled wearily, the kind of smile that almost drooped. “I mailed Celestia, explained the penis thing… and everything else.”
“Isn’t the penis thing the only thing?”
“We both know it isn’t.” Rainbow sighed. “Tempest, you don’t really want to do this. You don’t really like fighting, no matter how badass you are at it. It’s not like me and flying, not like I thought it was when I met you.”
“So… you told Celestia I didn’t like fighting.” Tempest propped herself up on an elbow. “And she cared ?”
“Yeah. She’s pretty great, if you didn’t realize yet.” Rainbow winked. “So you’ve got a week to get better, which Twilight thinks should be enough, though we’ll tell Celestia if it’s not—and then it’s no more than one new city every three days. Oh, and the pay was doubled.” She pulled a face. “For you .”
“Doubled?” Tempest squinted, and let herself relax back into the sheets. She was getting double pay. And Celestia cared. “Hm.”
Then Rainbow leaned in and gripped her tightly with both forelegs, their necks nuzzling together. Tempest tensed up. “What?” she said. “What are you doing.”
“Don’t judo throw me,” Rainbow said, “it’s called a hug.”
“Oh.” Tempest willed herself to relax, but it wasn’t exactly happening.
“You really aren’t used to this,” Rainbow said. “At all. Are you?”
“Used to what?”
“Used to anyone caring about what you say. Or what you think. Or... you .” Rainbow’s voice took on a different tone, as if she’d been injured. “You didn’t tell Celestia the schedule was gonna be too much. You didn’t tell me you were using that strap-on as a horn at night—unless you’re gonna try and say you put it on on purpose for training? And you didn’t tell me you didn’t want to be fighting. I had to figure that out solo, and I’m not good at that kinda stuff.”
Rainbow gripped tighter, whispering. “I guess this whole not talking thing is a bad habit, and it’s hard to break, and whatever, but… can you please talk more? To me, at least? Your butt buddy?”
Tempest raised her own forelegs and hugged Rainbow back. It was nice.
And then she thought, what the hay, no time like the present. “I think I want to be an entertainer.”
“What?” Rainbow pulled away, peering at her, and then blinked. “Oh! This is talking. Keep going, keep going.”
“I think… that’s what I want to do. Like, that firework magic of mine. It’s the best spell I’ve got. I wanna use it to blow ponies’ minds, not blow them up!” she said, speaking faster with every word, leaning forward, forgetting her bruises for a moment.
And then the bruises came back, and she slumped back onto the bed. “But I don’t know if it matters,” she said. Just a moment ago this talking thing came so easily, and now it was harder. “I’m so damn good at fighting that I don’t know—” She sniffed, and wiped her face. “I don’t know if I can do anything else.”
Rainbow leaned in, resting her head on the bed next to Tempest. “You’ll figure something out. We will.”
They rested like that. Tempest hoped it was for hours, even if it was probably for minutes.
Then Rainbow twitched, and sprang to her hooves. “Oh, I almost forgot!” She zoomed out of Tempest’s view, and then back in, with a big wrapped box. “It’s my turn for the gift exchange!”
“What?” Tempest raised her eyebrow. “You gave me the last gift.”
“Well, that kinda ended up being a gift for us , and then it nearly fried your brain, so I’m not counting it. Want me to open it?” Rainbow said, beaming bright.
Tempest lifted her hoof, then contemplated the fine motor control necessary to unwrap a box, and let the hoof fall again. “Sure.”
She’d been expecting the wrapping to be shredded as fast as Rainbow could manage, but Rainbow took a great deal of care removing it. An infuriating amount, really. Tempest grit her teeth as the anticipation built, until....
“Ta-da!” Rainbow said, pulling off the last sheet to reveal a trio of books in a decorative box. All three had the words “Daring Do and the” on the spine. “The greatest literary action series of all time: Daring Do!”
Tempest stared. “That’s the thing you wanted to do a, uh… ‘cosplay’ of, right? I didn’t know it was a book series.”
Rainbow’s jaw dropped. “Seriously? Your hometown sucked! ” She pulled out the first book and read the cover out loud: “‘Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone’. First one in the series, first one I ever read. I own all of them!” She grinned, a little ‘eee ’ sound escaping her lips.
Tempest kept staring. “So how is this a joke gift, again?”
“What? Oh! No, it’s not a joke gift. I figured it was time to get serious.” Some of Rainbow’s excitement subsided. “The thing is… I got laid up in the hospital once, too. Broke my wing. Couldn’t fly for days. I know it’s not the same thing as what you’ve got, but… these books helped me out a lot, and they mean a lot to me. And I figured you could use that.”
Tempest considered this for a few seconds. Then she took the book from Rainbow’s hooves and placed it on the sheets in her lap. “Thanks.”
“Anytime.”
“And… I think I’ve got a gift for you too.”
Rainbow snorted. “What? No you don’t. You’re naked in a hospital bed. You didn’t exactly have time to hit the gift shop on the way here.”
“Lean in, it’s a secret,” Tempest said. She managed not to smile.
Rainbow leaned her ear close to Tempest’s mouth, but Tempest moved at the last second to plant a quick kiss on Rainbow’s cheek.
The cheek in question immediately blazed red, and Rainbow jerked back, making a little happy noise in her throat. “Aww, man,” she said, stumbling over her words. “Now you made—made my gift look—look bad. I’m gonna have to get you back for… for….”
“Shh,” Tempest said, and opened the first of the ‘Daring Do and the’ books. “I’m reading.”
Rainbow verbally fumbled her way into silence. After a while, she leaned onto Tempest’s bed again, reading the words as Tempest did and never asking for Tempest to slow down, which was good, because Tempest was a speed reader.
Tempest smiled. This Daring Do pony sure got in a lot of fights. It was fun to see….
Her brow furrowed, and then her eyes went wide. Was it really that simple?
It was months later, and the military training was long in the past. But that didn’t mean she was done with fighting.
Tempest waited in darkness. No armor covered her now: she felt the cool air against her coat. There were butterflies in her stomach—the best kind.
“Fillies and gentlecolts! ”
And then the lights blared, and the music blared, and Tempest stood still, allowing herself a little smile before she got in character.
“Put your hooves together… for Commander Tempest! ”
With languid ease she strolled into the stadium, approaching the ring without an ounce of haste. Technically, she was the ‘evil’ wrestler, so the crowd should have been booing her. That hadn’t lasted long; now their cheers were so loud she could hardly hear herself think.
About halfway to the ring, she bent her knees and leaped , higher and more gracefully than most non-pegasi ever could. She landed in the ring with a resounding thud amplified by microphones under the floor, and the crowd cheered even louder.
Don’t smile. Don’t smile. Don’t smile, don’t break character, give the ponies what they want.
“I love you, Tempest!” a filly shrieked from the front row, holding up a “#1 Tempest” sign to match, and Tempest nearly lost her composure then and there.
“Commander Tempest, scourge of Equestria, has been tearing her way through our federation for weeks! ” the announcer called out, his voice echoing. “And it seems like no pony, griffon, or minotaur can stop her! But now , we’ve got a special mystery challenger, who might finally prove her equal!”
Tempest raised an eyebrow. Unusually, the challenger actually was a mystery. Most of the time, she met up with the other wrestler beforehand to practice a bit and reassure them that, no, she wasn’t going to shatter their ribcage into tiny bits.
“Introducing….”
So, if this was a genuine mystery wrestler, who didn’t need any rehearsal, then….
“For our once-in-a-lifetime exhibition event…. The hero! The Wonderbolt! The fastest mare alive!”
A rainbow blur blasted down from the ceiling in an instant, and resolved itself with a three-point-landing into….
“Rrrrrrainbowwwwww… Daaaaaaaaaaaaaash! ”
The sound of Rainbow slamming into the ring was deafening, and yet it didn’t hold a candle to the roar of the crowd. Rainbow winked at Tempest, and Tempest couldn’t stop herself from grinning back. Whoever was in charge of keeping this a secret from her, she’d have to find them later and thank them.
Rainbow glanced up as a microphone descended from the ceiling. She pulled it close with a wing, and the sound of the crowd died down a bit to hear her. “Tempest Shadow! ” she yelled, and thrust her hoof skyward. “I bet you’ve been getting bored , ripping this wrestling federation apart like tissue paper! But I was a little worried you might also be getting out of practice! ”
A chorus of ‘oh!’s rang up from the crowd at this challenge.
“So this is my gift to you!” Rainbow pointed her raised hoof at Tempest. “An even fight. A fight you might not win… no, wait, I’m underselling myself—a fight you’re gonna lose! ”
The crowd cheered.
Tempest rolled her eyes. Rainbow had needed an awful lot of words to say not very much. How like her. It was time to show off how a professional worked the crowd.
She stepped forward like she owned the place (and if her salary skyrocketed any higher, she’d be able to within a year), and grabbed the mic with her hoof. But she didn’t look at Rainbow: she looked at the crowd and said, “Say my name.”
She’d always been a natural at command. The chant started up: “Tem-pest, Tem-pest, Tem-pest—”
“Say the name of the pony who’s won eleven matches in a row!”
“Tem-pest, Tem-pest, Tem-pest— ”
“Say the name ,” she yelled, spinning around to order the rest of the crowd, “of the pony who’s about to make it twelve! ”
“TEM-PEST, TEM-PEST, TEM-PEST! ”
Tempest felt a little crackle in her heart. This was power. She didn’t need to take it from them: they gave it to her willingly, even gleefully. Conquest had never felt so good.
She yanked at the mic, making it retract back into the rafters, and leaned in close as Rainbow approached. “I didn’t expect you ,” she said, now that no one else could hear. “Are we still on for dinner tonight?”
“Yup! Your treat. It’s your turn for the gift, after all.” Rainbow grinned.
“And after dinner?”
“Yeah. I guess you’re gonna top again, huh?”
“Hmm.” Tempest tilted her head and thought. “How about, whoever wins here gets to top later?”
Rainbow’s eyes went wide, and then she bent into a fighting stance. “I’ll take that bet.”
“Ready?” the announcer yelled, as Tempest copied Rainbow’s stance, her mind racing. They’d fought before, but never in a ring. Never in such an enclosed area. So what would Rainbow do first?
“Round one! START! ”
They leaped into action. The commentators narrated, as quickly as they could:
“Wow, and right out of the gate, Rainbow aims a kick at Tempest—it misses—but she hit the rope, and bounced off, and she’s just a pinball in there now, how is Tempest dodging this!”
“Oh my gosh, what precision! She grabs Rainbow and throws her out of the ring! Rainbow hits the deck, she’s down but not out, and now she’s flying around the ring, I can’t even see her, she’s just a blur! Have you ever seen anything like this?”
“Wait, what’s Tempest doing—is she charging up her horn—no, it can’t be!”
“Her signature move?”
“The Fizzle Twister! ”
The fireworks lit up, zooming around the stage, and the crowd went wild.
And it occurred to Tempest that here, of all places, she was whole.
Author's Note
Thanks again to Dinoguy1000 for editing work.
And thanks to all of you for reading this story! It was fun to write, and I hope it was as much fun to read.
Dick Move (In Which It All Comes to a Head)
Ponies sometimes say that, when somepony has all the opportunities they could ask for, then “the world is their oyster”. This fits well with pony philosophy because you’re supposed to open up an oyster nicely, remove the pearl with tact and poise, and leave the oyster alone until it grows another one. Maybe sing some sort of pearl-gathering song, too.
But there are other things that can hold goodies within, and not all of them have convenient hinges.
The world was Tempest’s piñata.
“Stop! Thief!” a shopkeeper yelled from behind Tempest, as she trotted down the street holding the entire contents of that pony’s jewelry store. Still in the store. It seemed simpler than removing all the jewelry one piece at a time.
“Seriously, stop! I’m getting storesick!” the shopkeeper yelled. Tempest glanced behind herself and noticed that, yup, the pony in question hadn’t left the building. Judging by the screams from inside, neither had several of the patrons. Well, she could cross kidnapping off her bucket list: win-win!
It was crazy; even in her take-over-the-world days, Tempest had always been a bit of a buzzkill about the whole looting and pillaging thing. She’d even actively discouraged her troops from it. And now she was doing some of it herself, and she had no idea why she’d ever been so against it!
Voices buzzed around her: “Is that Tempest Shadow?” “Commander Tempest?”
“Nah, Tempest Shadow didn’t have a horn. This has gotta be someone else.”
“Stop!”
This voice sounded authoritative, if only barely, and was right in front of her. Tempest looked back ahead from the shop to see a police officer. “Stop in the name of the… um….” He seemed to be deflating, probably at the sight of the store behind her. “Please put that down,” he said instead.
A lawman! He’d know the city. “Excuse me!” she called out, trotting toward him. “Can you please direct me to the Cloudsdale Bank? It’s just that... .” She blushed. “Well, it’s always been my dream to do a big heist , and steal a bank. Since I was a kid, y’know?”
“Rob a bank?” the officer suggested.
“Either way.”
“And, um, ma’am? This is Las Pegasus.”
Tempest blinked a few times. “What? Could have sworn it was Cloudsdale. Or maybe Manehattan?” She rubbed her eyes, feeling the bags under them, and also some wetness. It seemed a little dribble had made it from her her phallus-horn down to her eyelids. “Do you have a tissue?”
The cop’s jaw flapped. “What’s that?” he finally said.
“It’s cum, I think.”
“But... you don’t have any—”
“Like that ’s the biggest problem here? Actually, hang on—” Tempest bounded forward, the jewelry store bouncing behind her. “Did you say Las Pegasus? As in, I could hit a casino?”
He looked at his hooves and whimpered, “Please don’t rob a casino.”
“No, not hit up . I mean, like, I could punch it real hard. That could be fun! Wait, hold on,” she said, a thought striking her like a swung bat. “What time is it? Do you have a watch?”
“Um.... twelve thirty three?”
Tempest gasped. “My lunch break ended three minutes ago! I’ve gotta go, sorry!” She released her magic, and the store behind her crashed into the street with many an unhappy tinkle and crash. “You can move this back where it goes, right? Don’t worry, I wasn’t planning on keeping it,” she said to the bewildered officer.
As the dazed victims crawled out of the shop’s open door, Tempest went cantering down the road toward the Wonderbolts. Random acts of theft and vandalism were nice, but state-sponsored violence? Never got old.
When she reached the training grounds, Rainbow Dash was doing some dumb drill with the battalion. It didn’t look very interesting.
“Hey, Wonderbolts!” Tempest yelled. “Surprise attack!”
The closest Wonderbolt had time to look up just before Tempest lunged forward and walloped him in the stomach with her hoof. He barfed all over the clouds below. “Ooh, sorry,” Tempest said, grinning. “Looks like somepony just wasted his lunch break.”
Nervous laughter sounded behind her. “Think fast!” she yelled, as she whipped her head around for a magical blast. It shot forward, and Rainbow Dash just barely jumped out of the way. “Good one,” Tempest laughed.
Rainbow squinted at the blast zooming toward the horizon. “Oh, jeez, that’s just gonna keep going until it hits something, isn’t it.” She winced. “Hey, listen, I was thinking—stop that!” she said, turning around to find Tempest already punching another Wonderbolt.
Tempest groaned, but let the poor stallion go. “I’ve been thinking,” Rainbow said, zipping toward her, flapping just above the clound and clearly ready to dodge. Tempest liked that. “We’re, like, both really spent. Or you wouldn’t have gone outside with that thing in the first place.”
Tempest grunted, uncertain where this was going.
“So maybe,” Rainbow continued, “I could send Celestia a letter, asking to pad out our schedule a bit? She’d probably say yes. She’s a nice lady.”
With a toss of her head, Tempest strode past Rainbow. “I started this job, and I’m the pony to finish it—on time.” If she had a fist, she would have clenched it, but she made do with holding her foreleg in front of herself in the appropriate pose. “No one beats ponies up like I do.”
“Yeah, uh, that is not our job. Hey, stop beating up ponies while I’m talking to you!”
Tempest looked up wide-eyed, her hoof buried in a Wonderbolt’s ribs. “What?”
“Jeez, you’re making me sound like Twilight.” Rainbow rubbed the bridge of her nose. “Okay, stop. Look, I like indiscriminate violence just as much as the next pony… actually, I like it a lot more, come to think of it. But this isn’t helping anypony.”
Tempest shrugged. “It’s helping me . I feel great! ”
“No, you don’t! You don’t enjoy….” Rainbow’s eyes went wide. “Oh, oh jeez. I think we need to get that thing off you.” She pointed her wing at Tempest’s forehead.
Tempest sneered. “Oh, you mean my functional horn? ”
“I mean your headpenis! It’s messing with your brain, we still don’t know where all that fluid is coming from—” Tempest wiped off her forehead “—and I think it’s turning you into, well, a dick!”
“If that’s the price for having a working horn —”
Tempest made to rush at another cowering Wonderbolt, but Dash landed between them. “Then it’s not worth it! Because Tempest Shadow doesn’t enjoy fighting !”
Tempest just raised an eyebrow.
“I mean,” Dash continued hastily, “not fighting like this! You never enjoyed beating down on defenseless ponies, even when you were bad, right? I’m not gonna let you enjoy it now that you’re good!” She gritted her teeth. “Now that you’re my friend .”
Tempest laughed. “I thought we were rivals with benefits?”
“Yeah, well, so did I. The world’s a funny place.”
Tempest bent low to the ground. “So that’s what friends do, huh? Threaten to cut off each others’ genitalia?”
“Oh, it’s not a threat.” Dash entered a similar fighting stance. “It’s a promise.”
Wonderbolts were fleeing all around them. At least they had a little intelligence, then.
“All right.” Tempest cocked a smile. “Show me a fight I’m supposed to enjoy.”
She immediately hopped to the left as Rainbow burst forward—the pony could be so predictable—except Rainbow had sped not toward her original location, but toward where Tempest was now. With her hooves forward, Rainbow crashed full-on into Tempest’s chest, knocking her back.
It hurt . Tempest hadn’t been hit like that in a while. But it hadn’t been long enough that she’d forgotten how it felt, and in any case, she still had her armor. She gritted her teeth through the pain, and as Rainbow flew away, Tempest screwed up her eyes and fired a blast.
It was fast as sound, and still not fast enough. Rainbow rolled under the blast, which vanished up into the sky, and then she dove toward the cloud-ground and spun into a kick at the last moment. A lattice of lightning flew Tempest’s way, running across the cloud terrain and spreading out, and she jumped to the side as it passed under her.
Which gave Rainbow the opening she needed to dive in with another kick. Tempest twisted in mid-air but still caught a glancing blow, and fell to the ground in a heap.
She got up, mouth twisted in anger. What in Tartarus was going on? Rainbow had never managed so much as a hit on her before, and now she’d been struck twice in ten seconds. She snarled, and then blinked as some fluid got in her eye. Was Rainbow right? Was this thing on her head draining her brain?
“Stupid!” she yelled, and shook her head, her new horn flopping just behind the motion. So what? She had access to more focused power now than she’d ever had before. Play to her strengths!
She fired blast after blast at the quick-moving pegasus, trying to lead her. But Rainbow kept moving faster, and before long Tempest found herself backing up. She shouted, and widened her radius.
Rainbow, rushing forward, was caught in a beam of light far wider than any before: about the size of a blimp . She disappeared from view. “Ha!” Tempest yelled, as the beam faded and she saw no sign of her rival.
Then her knees buckled, and an enormous quantity of fluid spilled onto the clouds in front of her. She gasped; the feeling was somewhere between euphoria and light-headedness, and her vision was swimming.
Slowly, she stood, and laughed at the onlooking Wonderbolts, many of whom were flat against the deck. “Who’s next?” she yelled, her voice only shaking a little.
Then she saw the rainbow.
It was at least a mile distant, a rainbow ring expanding toward the sky. A jet of light was shooting out from it, toward Tempest. Rainbow hadn’t been hit by the blast; she had outflown it.
If yet more power was gonna be Rainbow’s answer, it could be Tempest’s too. She fired another blast—just as strong as the last, only focused—and struck Rainbow Dash full on, halting her in midair. But she didn’t fall out of the sky. She kept moving, the air cone around her deflecting the beam, and if Tempest stopped it for a moment Rainbow would be able to come forward.
“Give up! ” she bellowed.
“Why!?” Rainbow yelled back.
“So I can win! ”
“And then what?” Rainbow screamed. “Do you want to be fighting the rest of your life? ”
The beam faltered. Just for a moment, but it was enough. By the time it was back on, Rainbow had veered out of the way, and regained her speed.
No, Tempest realized, she didn’t. She knew that.
But she also knew she didn’t want to lose.
Something had to give. Come on, Dash, she thought.
Rainbow was veering crazily, but moving closer with every new turn, and firing a blast of energy would never work. But there was a spell for this—the firework! Tempest screwed up her face, felt for the magic….
The spell fizzled into nothingness.
Rainbow Dash flew in a straight line at her, wing outstretched.
The next thing she knew, Tempest was clutching her head and collapsed on the ground, and something flopped to her side. Floppy and Fizzlepop-colored, and soaked in fluid.
Rainbow landed in front of her, or at least a blue pegasus did. It wasn’t like she could see much right now. “Got it! Oh, wow, that’s a lot of fluid. Tempest, you okay?”
Tempest’s vision swam and then cut to black.
“Tempest!”
Good one, Dash.
Author's Note
Dinoguy1000 did some pretty great editing work for this, so thanks!
