Tales of a Pessimist Pony

"The nerve of him to just kick us out!" I said in an exasperated tone.

"That could have been due to the stand you kicked over…" Fluttershy responded.

"Well, what was I supposed to do when he didn't accept the coupons you presented him?"

"Probably just calm down and talk it out…"

"That may work for you…"

"It works out a majority of the time."

"Okay, maybe I overreacted…"

"That's an understatement."

Both of us laughed. Fluttershy was going to be the easiest to "befriend" or whatever Tormentor called it. Our love for peace, quiet, and seclusion were our common interests.

"I did help him clean up, and apologize for it…"

"And that was nice of you."

"Still think he should have given us the discount. Never said anything on the coupon…"

"Sometimes ponies make mistakes…"

"And I'm not exempt from it…"

She smiled. "Right."

I looked around after that small conversation. It was a good day. No, it was beautiful, damn near perfect. The clouds were few, and the sun was pleasant. I may not respect Celestia all that much, but she does make a damn good day. Then again, the pegasi control the weather, but I'll give Celestia the benefit of the doubt just this once.

I made sure to help Fluttershy when I could, to pay her back for saving my life, although running errands with her didn't seem like much.

"Okay, first there was the market, then there was the…"

"Pet store," she finished.

"Right."

…

"How do you stay so calm all the time?" I asked randomly.

"Huh?"

"I don't get it. Ponies here frustrate me to no end, and I don't know how you can handle it."

"Well, I think there are better ways to solve problems without resorting to hurtful words."

"All I did was call him a 'selfish jerk'. In my book, that's pretty soft."

Fluttershy wouldn't have it. "Words can still hurt."

He deserved it nonetheless. But let's just drop it. I sighed. "I guess you're right," I said. And then noticed some familiar faces in the square. Twilight seems to be concerned. Is she okay? I was going to ask, but something distracted me. The source of it walked to Fluttershy and I with some suspicious looking golden pieces of paper.

She gasped. Are those what I think they are? "Angel, these are perfect!" she said.

…

Yes, they are. "Oh, God…" This is going to be annoying.

Twilight was trying to not pick a favorite. And I don't blame her. Her new friends were acting like jackasses. "Uh, listen, guys, I haven't decided who to give the extra ticket to."

"You haven't?!" Pinkie and Rarity both said in disbelief. This is just like mentioning the word "candy" to a six-year-old. Once it's said, it won't ever go away.

Fluttershy stepped into this hellish story. "Um, excuse me, Twilight. I would just like to ask, I mean, if it would be all right, if you haven't given it to someone else…" Wait, why does Fluttershy even want to go to the Gala anyway? She hates loud noises, and probably would rather stay in a quiet place during the festivities.

Rarity couldn't believe it. "You?! You want to go to the gala?"

Yeah, Fluttershy, you want to go to the gala? For what reason?

…

"Oh, no. I mean, yes, or, actually, kind of." Off to a great start… "You see, it's not so much the Grand Galloping Gala as it is the wondrous private gated garden that surrounds the dance. The flowers are said to be the most beautiful and fragrant in all of Equestria."

So, the garden is what brings her to that party. That actually makes sense.

"For the night of the gala, and that night alone, would they all be in bloom... and that's just the flora! Don't get me started on the fauna. There's loons and toucans and bitterns, oh my! Hummingbirds that can really hum, and buzzards that can really buzz. White-blue jays, and red jays, and green jays, pink jays, and pink flamingos!"

Wow, she has a solid reason. Hell, now I'd check that garden out if I wanted to.

…

"You must have a reason to want to go too, don't you Zenith?"

Goddamn it, they're all looking at me again. Why the hell do they care what I think? Are we that close of friends? Why do they all perceive me as such?

I sighed. "Honestly, I don't care enough about the gala."

Everyone looked back at me. "What?!" they all said in shock.

"It may hold some deep significance to you, but for me, since my arrival here in this new and unfamiliar land. I believe that the Gala is one party that I can afford to skip."

"But it's a once in a lifetime opportunity to get invited to!" Rarity chimed in.

Didn't I just say something about "your own deep significance"? Did they not just hear me? "Like I've said before, you have your own reasons to want this ticket into the Gala, but I have no reason to go to a party like that. So, Twilight, no. I do not have a reason to go."

"Ah-ha! I see that he's trying to snatch that ticket from you, isn't he Twilight?" Rainbow Dash said. Where the hell did she just come from?

"Rainbow Dash! Were you following me?" she asked.

"Uh, no."

Bullshit.

"I mean, yes. I mean maybe. Look it doesn't matter. I couldn't risk a goody-four-shoes like you giving that ticket away to just anybody," she added.

Oh, like you have the best reason. I'm sure the Wonderbolts would love your brash attitude and your cocky ego.

"Wait just another minute!" Applejack called out. Where did she come from?

Twilight was as confused as ever. "Applejack! Were you following me too?"

"No," she bluntly stated.

The element of Honesty here ladies and gentlemen!

"I was followin' this one to make sure she didn't try any funny business," she continued.

I don't buy it.

"Still trying to take mah ticket."

Oh-ho, so she's pulling the "I-saw-it-first-so-it's-mine" tactic. Don't think that it's going to cut it.

"Your ticket?!" Rainbow Dash said in her face.

Pinkie barged in. "But Twilight's taking me!"

Rarity joined in. "How will ever find my prince without this ticket? She must take me to the Gala!"

I looked at Fluttershy, who I thought would put her viewpoint in, but she actually stayed out. Huh, way to go Fluttershy, way to be an adult. But that wasn't the case for everyone else. All of them spouting their nonsense purely promoting their own self-interest. And it's giving me a headache…

I can't take it anymore. I grabbed the tickets from Angel and finally snapped. "Will everyone just shut up?!" And they all stopped, like that. Jesus, I can finally get a second to think clearly. "There is absolutely no point to this. All this does is lead to a downward spiral of jealousy, resentment, and hostility toward one another." You think friends would be would get along faster…

"He's right." Finally, someone who sees my point. "Girls, there's no use in arguing."

"But Twilight…"

"I have to…"

"This could be a turnin'…"

"I'll miss out on…"

"Quiet!" I cut them all off. "Twilight needs none of this pressure from any of you." In fact, she might need someone to talk to about this. "Twilight, would you like to get some lunch?"

I could hear her stomach growl in the distance. "I certainly could get something to eat. I can't think straight right now."

"I can imagine. There's a lot to think about." I told her, as we walked off towards the café. "I'll see you when I get back, Fluttershy."

She nodded. "Take your time."

I just hope those ponies stay away after what I've told them. Jealousy. Resentment. Hostility.

"Oh, what am I going to do? All five of my best friends have really good reasons to go to the gala." Twilight asked me, practically hysterical.

Oh, they're all just greedy and have their own reasons. "You don't want to disappoint any of them," I stated.

"Exactly," she responded. "I don't know what to do!"

"Have you made your decision?" a voice called out to the side.

"I CAN'T DECIDE!" she screamed.

"Twilight," both Spike and I said, at the same time. We looked at each other and laughed.

"You go ahead," he said to me. I had met Spike a couple of times during my presence here. Honestly, I don't know why everybody seems to hate him in the show. True, he isn't the best to start, but he's no Gilda or Svengallop.

"I'm pretty sure we were going to say the same thing," I jokingly said back. I looked at her. "It was just the waiter," I told her.

"Oh." She said, her cheeks glowing a slight red, "I would love a daffodil and daisy sandwich."

Then Spike. "Do you have any rubies?" Ah, his insatiable appetite for gemstones. To be fair, if I could eat them, I would. Some of them look damn tasty. The waiter shook his head. "No? Okay. I'll have the hay fries, extra crispy."

Then me. "Do you have any coffee?" I asked him. He nodded. "Great. I'll just have a cup of it. Two cream and sugar."

I'm still not fully awake from my experience here. A little caffeine wouldn't hurt. And it's been a while since I've had any. And here it is. Wow, that was quick. I take a sip from the cup and close my eyes.

…

Still in Ponyville. Damn it. Worth a shot.

"Is something wrong?" Twilight asked me.

They must have seen that somewhat suspicious move on my part. "Sorry, I'm still worn out since my… arrival."

"That's understandable. After what you've been through. I'd be a little tired too," she responded.

"How did you stand up to Nightmare Moon anyway?" Spike asked me.

"With someone as non-threatening as her roaming about with a faulty and unoriginal plan, it was simple."

"Wow, you must be really brave," Spike told me. "No one else would face Nightmare Moon head-on, by themselves."

Well, "foolhardy" would be a better word, but I'll take a compliment when it's given.

"Well, thank you. But you really should thank Twilight and her friends. They saved everyone."

"But you still helped them."

"True, but honestly…"

"Hey, listen. How do I choose?" Huh? Oh, back to the ticket thing. "And when I do choose, will the other four be mad at me?"

"Twilight…"

"I mean, I could give up my ticket and give away two…"

"Twilight…" Selfless of you, respectable.

"But that would still leave three disappointed ponies. What if I…"

"Twilight!"

…

"If it were me, I would just…"

"Your food." The waiter said to us, interrupting me.

"Oh, thank you," she said. "This looks so good. I'm sure everything will be much clearer once I eat. You were saying?"

What? "Oh, I was saying that I would…"

That waiter then interrupted me again. "Are all of you going to eat your food in ze rain?"

The hell? "It's not raining… what's going on?"

"Twilight," Spike said. "Look up."

Everyone looked into the clouds at the source: a light blue pegasus. Of course she would be the first to ignore what I just said before we left. "Hi there, best friend forever I've ever ever had." Ooh, real smooth Dash. Subtlety isn't your strong suit. "Enjoying the sunny weather?"

Thankfully, she caught on. "Rainbow Dash, what are you doing?"

"Whaddya mean? I just saw the smartest, most generous pony about to get rained on, so I thought I'd kick a hole in the clouds to keep her dry so she could dine in peace, that's all."

I decided to tell her the real reason. I called out to her. "You know what? I think you're just being extra nice just so Twilight can give you the ticket."

"What? That's ridiculous." She called back at me.

Don't deny it. "Really? Then why are we the only ones without rain?"

"Uh…that is…I was going…" she kept stammering.

"I think I've cracked the case," I told Twilight. I then called back up. "Yeah, so why don't you close up that cloud right now?"

Rainbow Dash groaned. "Ugh, fine."

"That's better," Twilight said. Then, rain began to pour, ruining the very lunch she planned to eat. Spike and I looked at each other and tried not to laugh.

"Twilight, it's raining," Rarity called out.

No shit, Rarity. What the hell was she doing here again?

"Come with me before you catch a cold."

Oh, hell no. "Rarity, wait!" I called out. She turned around. "Could I have a word with you really quick?"

We walked out of earshot of Twilight and I let her know what's up. "I know you probably have something planned for you and Twilight, don't you?"

She looked at me, somewhat perplexed. "How did you know?"

I laughed. "Lucky guess."

"What's your point, darling?"

…

"You are the element of generosity, correct?"

"Correct…"

"So, say you had two tickets and five other friends who wanted to go. What would you do?"

…

"And doesn't greedily wanting a ticket go everything against what you stand for?"

"…I guess I never thought of it that way."

I put my hoof on her shoulder. "It's ok. As long as you get what I'm saying now."

"I definitely do." She said to me.

"Thank you for understanding," I told her.

"You are quite welcome."

I walked back to Twilight, who was sitting in the rain. "Sorry about that. I just had to talk to her about something."

She grumbled.

…

"Why don't we go somewhere else for some lunch?"

"Did somepony say 'lunch'?"

…

Why did no one listen to me?

"You've got to be kidding me!" Twilight yelled. Stole the words right out my mouth…

"Applejack, please don't…" I started.

But that orange Earth pony wouldn't have it. "I got apple pie, apple fritters, apple tarts, apple dumplings, apple crisps, apple crumblers, and apple Brown Betty. Uh, the dessert, not my auntie. What do you say there, best friend?"

…

Nothing apparently. "Is that a yes?" she asked.

"Allow me," I told Twilight. She looked at me, probably too tired of everyone's shit to deal with it. "Applejack, do you honestly believe that the way to Twilight's gala ticket is through her stomach?"

…

"Yes," she replied.

Well, at least she's honest. Blunt might be a better word. But nonetheless, it's still incorrect. "I appreciate your honesty. But technically what you are doing is considered bribery."

A small pause occurred before she questioned me. "Yer point?"

"Let me give you a scenario." I cleared my throat. "Let's say you're a judge in a baking competition and you find a great baker with the best recipe, an easy winner."

She nodded. Where exactly was I going with this? "But say someone gave you, let's say, a gala ticket, in this case, to rig the competition so that they would win, even though that recipe was terrible. How would you feel?"

"I guess I wouldn't feel too good. That wouldn't be honest of me."

"But you have the gala ticket…"

"It wouldn't feel right…"

"Do you see how Twilight feels in this case?" I motioned towards her. "If she accepted the bribe, then she would have to live that same guilt."

"Wow," she began. Holy shit, did that work? I just made that up as I went along. "I didn't think of it that way…"

"But you get it now, right?"

"You betcha."

"All right. I'm going to take Twilight and Spike back to the library, you can go on about your business."

"I'll see ya 'round," she called back.

I nodded and turned back to Twilight. "Let's get you home. I take it that you've had enough for today."

She nodded. "I still don't know what to do…"

Well, if I can get a moment's peace, I can tell her my plan.

"I don't think it's that important, Twilight," Spike said. Same, but I would have said it a bit nicer.

"Of course it is, Spike," she responded. "I have to make a decision sometime." Here we are, the library.

I opened the door, and let both of them go in first. Ah, peace and quiet. But something doesn't feel right. I ignored it as I went to cease this meaningless worriment. "Maybe you don't," I said as I went inside and closed the door.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm pretty sure that Celestia would…"

Three knocks. "Oh, for the love of…" I went back and opened the door. Wait, what? I did not expect her to show up here.

"Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything…" Fluttershy called out.

"Not really," Twilight told her.

"Okay," she responded.

Oh, wait. She's going to beg too, isn't she? Goddamn it.

"I just came by to tell Twilight…"

That's what was off! She was supposed to be in here. Time to let her down easy.

"…that I don't want the ticket anymore."

…

What?

…

"I feel bad pressuring you into having to choose somepony to go to the gala, so if it makes it easier, I don't want to go either."

She must have been referring to me. "Fluttershy…" I began.

"What is it?"

I sighed. "I'm proud of you." A small tinge of red came across her face. "I was afraid that no one else listened to what I said back in the market, but I'm glad someone did." At least someone listens to my input…

"Well, thank you, Fluttershy, but there are still four other ponies that want a ticket."

I saw two more figures approach the door, the two ponies I gave a good talking to. "Make that two," I said. A look of confusion entered her face. "Don't worry, they're coming to tell you the same thing she just did," I said as I pointed to Fluttershy.

"How do you know?" she asked.

"You'll see."

Applejack went first through the door. "Twilight?" she called to her. "I'm sorry fer pressurin' ya. I couldn't imagine the stress yer feelin' right now."

"And I'm sorry too. I had something silly planned to shower you with favors so that you would feel more inclined to give your ticket to me. But I don't want it anymore." Rarity added.

"Me neither," Applejack added.

"Why are all of you not wanting the ticket so suddenly?" she asked. "What's going on?"

Before they could react, we all heard a trampling in the distance. Sounds like a stampede. We all checked the doorway. And who should be leading the stampede other than the party pony herself. So I did what any introvert would do in this scenario.

Stop and kill the party.

…

Okay, maybe that's just me…

"Pinkie, Pinkie, Pinkie!" I said repeatedly until she finally stopped.

"What is it?" she asked.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Well, I was planning to sing Twilight a song about the ticket, throw her a party for being a great friend, and then we'll go to the Gala together."

"But you know that…"

"…that pressuring Twilight into having to choose between five ponies would only make her more nervous and indecisive? And then these feelings of guilt would affect us which in turn makes us learn a lesson, giving us insight on how to become better friends throughout our time living in Ponyville in order to create harmony which becomes the basis of any lesson that we come across?" she said as she smiled.

…

What?

…

I'm not questioning it. I gave her a pat on her head and told her something after I sighed. "I hope you never stop being Pinkie."

"I'll always be me, silly!" she replied.

I escort her into the library. Well, that just leaves one.

…

Any day now…

…

And… there we are, I see that light blue tinge coming closer.

She barged right in. "Is it too late? Did Twilight make a decision yet?"

"Not exactly," Applejack started.

"We've all agreed that we don't want this ticket anymore," Rarity chimed in.

"Yes! That means the ticket is mine!" she yelled.

Oh no you don't, you selfish piece of… I can feel two of them holding me back as I tried to walk forward. They could probably sense my anger, ever increasing with every passing second of her celebration. Then, she stopped and took a look at all of us. Everyone but me with a "Really?" look in their eyes. I was, however, giving her a death stare, if she didn't comply with this pointless story.

"…you know, I haven't perfected my signature moves for the Wonderbolts anyway. I don't need that ticket either," she responded.

A sigh of relief went through the room. Finally, this one's over! This was a hell of a lot more of a pain to keep up with than I thought. Apologies were passed around and Twilight was beginning her first of many friendship letters.

"Spike, take down a note. Dear Princess Celestia, I've learned that one of the joys of friendship is sharing your blessings, but when there's not enough blessings to go around, having more than your friends can make you feel pretty awful."

I don't know, I'd take a lot of money over friends in a heartbeat right now…

"So, though I appreciate the invitation, I will be returning both tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala."

"What?!" everyone shouted in unison.

"If my friends can't all go, I don't want to go either." She finished. Nice work, book horse. Well done.

"Twilight, you don't have to do that…" Applejack started.

"Nope. I've already made my mind. Spike, send that letter."

A gasp of air and a quick exhale now send the letter to the leader herself.

"What was your plan to help me out with the tickets anyway? You never were able to finish." Twilight asked me.

What? Oh. "The same thing that you just did." She looked confounded. "I am pretty sure Celestia would under…"

Again, I was interrupted. But not by one of the Mane 6, but from Celestia, through Spike. Unbelievable. She has the power and foresight to piss me off, from another town too. A burp from the purple dragon revealed another scroll with a message.

"My faithful student Twilight, why didn't you just say so in the first place?" Um, because you're a fucking princess for crying out loud. You can't just be given something from a high honor, and then whine because you didn't get what you want. He finished. "Seven tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala!"

A collective gasp filled the room. "Now we can all go!" Twilight said excitedly, followed by a bunch of cheering from everyone.

I have had enough though. "Well, I don't know about you all, but I'm exhausted. I'm going back to the cottage."

…

"You can have my ticket, Zenith."

"No, he can take mine. He taught me a lesson I'm sure never to forget."

"If anypony's givin' up a ticket, it's me. He reminded me how dumb I was actin'."

Hold up, nobody's giving up a ticket. We just went through this…

"So you did convince them not to want the ticket?" Twilight asked me.

…

"Only by fair and purely hypothetical situations, but yes."

"You never wanted a ticket? You were just trying to help?"

"...yes," I hesitated.

She smiled for a second. But then threw a curveball. "Why don't you want to go?"

I've told them all this before. "I'm not much of a partygoer. Or a Gala-goer in this case."

"Just give it a chance."

"That's what you said about the first party."

"And how did that one go?"

"Surprisingly we-" I started. Damn it, you clever bookworm. You got me. "Touché."

"I wasn't the best at making friends to start, but I took a chance. You need to take a chance and open up your mind to the new possibilities."

Why? Why do they treat me as a friend? I'm not a very good one. Also, I don't remember the show being this deep when I watched it the first time.

…

Why am I so reluctant right now? What have I got to lose?

I sighed. "All right. I'll do it."

Another group cheer was in store, followed a group hug.

Too much sentiment, too much sentiment…

After that fiasco was over, I asked the most important question. "If there are seven tickets and eight of us, then how will we…"

Another burp and a scroll interrupted me for the final time. Spike opened it and read it aloud. "And one more for the grump Zenith here." Laughter then filled the night sky.

Fuck you, Celestia, fuck you…