Help Me, Doctor Dick!

The emergency room was in a flurry: there had been a terrible, party-related accident, involving a unicycle, a geiger-counter, and a trombone. New patients were flooding in with all sorts of boo boos and ouchies, and nurses were stretched thin giving out band-aids and kisses. One young stallion, however, was in need of much, much more. His ouchie was far greater than a mere boo boo, he was unconscious on a stretcher, a real medical emergency! A nurse in pink scrubs labored over the stretcher that had been laid on the gurney, frantically checking his vitals.

A pink coated unicorn stallion with a white mane, tail, and snout cantered in, "Nurse Cutty, what do we have here?"

"Doctor Lolipop!" she said as she hoofed him the chart, "It looks like the patient exploded... And then exploded again!"

"Extreme Awesomeness Overload." the doctor said gravely, looking up from the chart, "I've seen it... far too many times."

"What are we gonna do doctor! What are we gonna dooo!!" another nurse flailed his forelegs in the air all dramatic like.

"There's only one thing we can do. We have to prep him for... Emergency Surgery!" he declared, pumping a hoof in the air.

The male nurse gasped in horror, eyes going wide in shock, while the other ponies around him did their actual jobs.

In a rush, the gurney was wheeled into the Operating Room, and the surgeons scrubbed up in their cute little smocks and booties, but what they were about to do was anything but cute, in fact, this was going to be a rather gruesome surgery indeed...

"I need two hundred ccs of chocolate milk, stat!" Doctor Lolipop barked, and quickly, a nurse handed him a little glass of chocolate milk, which he threw back and gulped down. "Mmm. Extra chocolatey." he said dryly, before turning back to the patient, scalpel in hoof as he delicately pulled open the flesh covering his bloated belly, so full of Everything Nice that sprinkles and confetti were pouring out onto the table. It was all the panicky nurse could do not to vomit at the sight of such gore. "We need to drain this... Nurse, suction!" A nurse pulled out a giant swizzle-straw and stuck it in the patient's open gut, letting it drain the stuffing all the way down to the cotton candy. It was then that the doctor saw the true nature of the case. "Sweet Celestia," he uttered, "His entire organ system has been... bedazzled!" he reached in with a gloved hoof, pulling out one of the patient's kidneys, which was indeed sparkling like a disco-ball.

"Doctor... What happened to his liver?" one of the nurses asked, pointing to what looked like a piece of homemade rock candy.

"...It's been completely saturated in Sugar... It can't filter out anything else, and now his Spice is overloading the other organs!"

As if on cue, the patient's mouth opened, and he let out a sassy little coo, which smelled like nutmeg and paprika.

"Quick! Get the die-alysis machine in here before he die-alyses of sassiness!" shouted nurse Badpun as the patient burped something that smelled of sassparilla. The nurses converged, hooking up the dialysis machine to his major arteries and routing blood flow through it. the machine began working overtime...

"Doctor, it's not working: his vitals are getting more erratic!" nurse Melodrama, who had turned the confetti into a colorful necklace shouted, pointing at the monitor, where that little line was doing some sort of conga, and began doing his own little dance, jumping back and forth on his hind-hooves.

"...There's not much we can do for him..." the doctor said, "It's out of our hooves..."

Solemnly, he looked down at the patient's clipboard. 19 years old. Barely a stallion. Far too young to go, especially like this... He took a deep breath, the air saturated with the scent of cloves and cillantro. Not another one...

Suddenly, the doors slammed open. "I can save this patient!" announced a suave voice, causing all ponies present to look up in Shock. A Striking Blue stallion with a Slick Black mane Strode confidently in to the OR.

"Whaaaa? Who are you? How did you get in here?" Dr Lolipop asked.

"Who I am is not important doctor, the important thing is that you have to let me operate!"

"Doctor, we are losing him!" nurse Melodrama shouted, flailing his hooves in the air again.

"How do we know we can trust you? You don't work here! You aren't even wearing a labcoat! Do you even have a medical license?"

In response, the stallion simply reared up, whipping IT out, and slamming IT down on the table. In case you didn't guess, by "it", I mean his dick. He whipped out his dick and slammed it on the table.

All of them, both Male and Mare, Marveled at the Massive Meaty Member which had been Slammed down against the Sterile Steel Side of the Stretcher they'd Sat on the operating table, the Scalpels, Sutures, and Surgical tools they'd Strewn about on the table Shuddering at the Sudden Spasm. SSSSSSSSSSS!

Weighing in at a striking foot and a half in length, this masterwork dick was . Every vein, wrinkle, and cranny was in just the right spot, a magnificent blend of symmetry and asymmetry. It's shaft curved ever so slightly on its way upward towards its flared, slightly conical point, which seemed poised for optimal penetration. It was, by all measurements objective and subjective...

The
Perfect
Dick

The medical ponies could only look on with wide eyes at the pony who'd just whipped his dick out in the middle of an operating room.

"Well then," Doctor Lolipop said, "I think we've seen enough."

Around the room, he was joined by a series of stern nods.

The Doctor raised his hoof, and held forward a scalpel, "Welcome to the team, Doctor...?"

"Dick. Just Dick." he said, throwing his mane back, taking the scalpel in his hoof, and getting to the good work... Saving a life.