And now... The shocking conclusion!

...Why are you still reading this?

The ponies gathered in the hallway all looked at Doctor Geld with wide eyes and slacked jaws.

“But... But... Doctor Geld! There’s an outbreak going on!”

Doctor Geld raised a brow, “Well, yeah, I noticed that. I didn’t get him fired or anything, I just got the Ministry of Health in Canterlot to order that he can’t have sex on the job anymore. He can still play doctor if Lolipop wants, and he can still have sex when he’s not on the clock, but there’ll be no precession of ponies going in and out of the third floor broom closet anymore. This is a hospital for Celestia’s sake!”

“But Doctor!” Nurse Cutty exclaimed, “We were just about to have him perform an emergency face-fucking on Doctor Lolipop!”

Doctor Geld’s eyes widened as he sputtered for a moment, “Emergency... Whaat?” He blinked, glancing down at Doctor Lolipop’s unconscious form, “Are you insane!? He needs to be put in a bed right away, and you’re talking about shoving a dick in his mouth!” he walked forward to get a better look, “What’s wrong with him anyway?”

“He’s fallen ill with the epidemic that’s been sweeping the city.” Nurse Cutty’s tone darkened, “Dick Sucking Fever.”

“D-... D-... ‘Dick Sucking Fever’?” Doctor Geld asked incredulously, as if it was all that incredulous.

“Yes! Dick Sucking Fever! It’s a serious medical condition, where he has to suck dick, or else he’s going to die!”

Nearby, Nurse Melodrama was rolling on the floor, moaning with woe.

That’s the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard!” Doctor Geld sputtered, as if that was at all absurd, “That’s the sort of thing a bad porno writer uses as an excuse to get all the characters to suck the main character’s dick!”

Said dick was hard, throbbing, and perfect, as usual.

“Dick Sucking Fever isn’t even real!” Doctor Geld exclaimed, “It’s just some song some crazy punk rocker made up because it was funny to sing about!”

Meanwhile, Raccoon tuned her guitar, fully aware that she was being referred to, but not giving a shit, because this is probably the worst story since Pinkie Pie Wants to Die.

“There’s no record of anything like that existing in real life!” he finished.

“But Doctor!” Nurse Cuddy pleaded, “What if you’re wrong? What if it’s real and we have the first-ever recorded outbreak on our hooves?”

Doctor Geld looked like he was close to having an aneurysm, “Nurse Cutty, the very notion of such a thing is beyond preposterous! I’ve been more than accommodating up to this point, but having a doctor actually prescribe patients giving him head is where I draw the line! As the current senior Physician on Staff, with Doctor Pepper on vacation and Doctor Lolipop incapacitated, I’m putting my hoof down!” He put his hoof down hard on the linoleum floor, which gave a cute little squeak from it, “There will be no prescription of fellatio, facials, or any other so called ‘treatment’ that involves his penis being put in direct contact with patients! Sweet Celestia, do you have any idea how many STDs he probably has on that thing with the way he gets around?!”

“Actually,” Doctor Dick interrupted, “I get myself checked once a month, like a responsible adult should.”

“I don’t give a fuck!!” Doctor Geld finally just snapped, “There will be no more Dick Sucking around here, and that’s final!”

“But doctor!”

“Anypony who tries to prescribe Sucking Dick as an actual treatment will be immediately terminated and forcibly removed from the premises.” He narrowed his eyes and growled, “Do I make myself clear?”

Everyone was silent, thinking, hoping desperately for some way out of this madness. They were here to cure ponies, damnit, and this... this insane pony who insisted on using ministry-approved evidence-based medicine instead of just sticking a dick in it was standing in the way, like some sort of antagonist whose entire motivation was being upset over not having balls. But there was nothing to be done. They had to accept defeat.

Finally, Nurse Cutty was the one to speak up, “I hope you can live with yourself... Doctor...”

And so it came to pass, like so many things do in the Book Of Mormon (seriously, have you ever read that thing? Learn some new phrases Joseph Smith!), that the ponies of the hospital had to treat their outbreak of Needus Gametus without the use of Phallus based Medicine, or Giveus The Dickus, as Haycart had so eloquently put it. Instead, they were forced to use common, primitive fare, such as NSAIDs and Saline Drips. Still, they worked tirelessly, moving beds and medicine, working round the clock to find a new treatment.

“I just don’t know how we can go on,” Nurse Otherpony sputtered, pushing another bed along, “There’s an outbreak going on, and that... that madpony won’t let us tell our patients to go suck a dick!!”

“Did he... Say anything about peeing on ponies?” Nurse Badpun suggested as he measured out pills.

“Nurse Badpun, can your fetish - which isn’t weird because this is Equestria and we don’t judge other ponies here - wait for like, five minutes? We have a medical crisis going on here!”

Nurse Badpun’s ears drooped a little, “Sorry, it’s just... stressful, you know? Sometimes you need a little shower to take the edge off...”

Nurse Otherpony sighed, “You’re right... I think after this is over, we’re all going to need to do something to take the stress off... Like, sex stuff, probably... That seems to be the thing lately...” He glanced over at Nurse Badpun, “Hey, you notice that? Like, things have been more erotic lately? I mean, Doctor Lolipop’s thing was always candy and using funny words for illnesses, and that... thing... that he does...”

“Oh yeah, Doctor Lolipop’s thing, yeah. It has been a bit different around here since Doctor Dick showed up, hasn’t it...” Nurse Badpun shrugged, “Not that I minded the ‘sexual healing’ sessions, but I could do without the dick-based illnesses...”

Nurse Otherpony nodded, “Yeah, this story really needs to get to the climax soon...”

“Heh, you said ‘Climax’ in a porn fic.”

They both had a chuckle at that.

Nurse Melodrama galloped down the hallway, clutching a piece of paper in his mouth, because being an Earth Pony is hard like that. He slid on his hooves as he whipped around a corner, nearly bowling through a pair of orderlies who were just sorta dicking around. (though not literally, because that rule was being enforced)

He began to backpedal as soon as Nurse Cutty was in sight, sliding to a stop in front of her, “Nurse Cutty! Nurse Cutty! You have to see this!”

“What is it? You found something?”

“Yes!” Nurse Melodrama exclaimed, “It’s this picture!”

Nurse Cutty set down the medical thing she was doing, and took the picture, looking at it, “Oh, that is interesting... Who took this?”

“Doctor Geld did! It’s a great picture isn’t it!” He beamed for a moment, before straightening up, “Also, I just did a survey on who all the ponies who fell ill... Nothing really extreme in the general population, but the members of hospital staff? All Straight Males and Gay Females. Nurse Cutty, WHAT do these groups all have in common?”

Her eyes slowly widened as she put two and two and two and two together to get eight, and then it dawned on her...

“Doctor Dick. Every pony in this hospital who was at all partial to penis had sex with Doctor Dick. Every pony who didn’t fell ill. Which means...”

Nurse Melodrama gave a stern nod, “The Cure... Is Doctor Dick’s Semen!”

“But Melodrama, even if the loveless bureaucrats in Canterlot hadn’t forbidden a healthy amount of sexual activity on the Hospital Grounds, straight males would rather die than touch another dude’s dick, and no lesbian wants to munch on anything but a rug... How are we going to cure them without them sucking Doctor Dick’s Dick?!”

“Fret not!” he announced, reaching into his mane, “I just... might... have a plan...” he pulled out a baker’s hat, putting it on his head.

Doctor Dick held his jaw stiff, switching hooves for the 5th time as he vigorously stroked his perfect penis off into a large beaker, because masturbation isn’t sexaul intercourse and thus is perfectly acceptable to do in a hospital. I mean, people do it all the time, whether they’re patients or not, or even if they’re visiting someone in a coma and decide their face looks kinda hot at that angle or something. Or, you know, you see some old person getting a sponge bath and wonder what those fleshy folds would feel like if you...

It’s not weird, ok?

“Geez, how much semen can one pony produce?” Nurse Otherpony asked, watching in awe as the massive meaty member maintained form and thickness throughout the hours of merciless masturbation.

“As much as it takes.” Doctor Dick said heroically, gritting his teeth and letting out a grunt as the head of his cock flared in his hoof, and he once again began to ejaculate, pumping out another half-liter of his semen, careful not to spill any of the precious medical resource onto the floor. He kept rubbing until he was done, gently shaking a few drops from the tip, before setting it on the table, hooves trembling in the aftermath of his release as he recovered with deep breaths, cock sagging a little.

Nurse Otherpony’s jaw dropped, “Wow... Doctor Dick... Sir...” He took off his nurse’s cap and placed it against his chest, “I must say... What you’re doing here today is a true act of heroism...”

“No, Nurse Otherpony,” Doctor Dick said, “No. What I’m doing here is just part of a day’s work. It’s what Doctor does: we save lives, no matter what the cost.” He put his hoof down firmly as Nurse Cutty pulled away the beaker he’d just heroically spooged in and replaced it with another empty one for him to gallantly fill.

“Well Doctor,” Nurse Otherpony said with a smile, “You’re a hero to me.”

“It’s good to know I have an admirer,” Doctor Dick said with a smirk, “But at the end of the day, all that really matters is that ponies go home to their families, safe, and happy.”

Nurse Otherpony looked on with admiration as Doctor Dick placed the new beaker in front of his crotch, and once again began to vigorously masturbate into it, like a hero.

Doctor Lolipop lied in his bed, staring blankly at the cieling. He didn’t know how long he’d been there... All he knew was that his mouth felt ever so dry... He craved potato chips, but couldn’t get up to go to the vending machine, because his knees had gone weak and he’d be unable to rise off of them until his need for sucking dick was sated...

There was a knock at the door, and it drifted open, Doctor Dick striding in, “Doctor Lolipop, how are you feeling?”

Doctor Lolipop just stare at him for a moment, mouth hanging open, as if to recieve, but ever so empty, “I’m feeling... like some sort of cum dumpster, left empty and unfucked for so long... Oh, and, my shoulder’s a bit achey, but I feel absolutely peachy otherwise.”

“We can talk about amputating your shoulder for minor pains later, but right now, I have something that might fix the first part of that...” Doctor Dick said, pulling out what looked like a vanilla muffin, “Try this.”

Doctor Lolipop reached out slowly, gently hooking his fetlock around it, the appendage now curled uncontrollably into the position of grasping cylindrical objects. Slowly, he brought the muffin to his puffy lips, gingerly taking a bite. He managed to chew, despite the fact that his lips seemed to want to cover his teeth, while swallowing came to him as easy as a baby bird begging for its mother’s nourishment. Smacking his mouth together, he took another bite, then another... He sat up in the bed, taking it into his mouth, one bit at a time, moaning ever so slightly at the taste and texture sliding across his tongue. “Mmf... It’s... Moist. Very moist.” He said, the rasp leaving his voice as the dryness in his mouth subseded.

“You’ll have to thank Nurse Melodrama for that: he apparently used to be a confectioner.”

Doctor Lolipop nodded, swallowing another mouthful of the nourishing goodness, “Well, he did a good job with this! What’s in it anyway?”

Doctor Dick smirked, stating plainly, “It’s my semen.”

Doctor Lolipop stopped mid bite, looking down at the muffin for a moment.

“Well...” he said, “That explains the saltiness.” He bobbed his eyebrows weakly, then leaned in and took another bite, chewing thoroughly before swallowing, “No homo though.”

Doctor Dick smirked, nodding, “No homo.”

And those ancient and powerful words made the fact that he was knowingly ingesting another stallion’s semen not gay.

Doctor Dick stood in silence for a moment, thinking as the head surgeon ate. Finally, he spoke up, “Doctor Lolipop?”

“Please, Dick, I think we’re beyond formalities at this point: it’s just Lolipop to you.”

“Thanks... Lolipop, I wanted to thank you... For letting me work here.”

Doctor Lolipop waved it off with a hoof, “No need, you’ve more than earned your place here.”

“Yes, but... Why did you let me work here? I mean, I’ve been thinking about what Doctor Geld said... Having a good penis really doesn’t have anything to do with being a good physician. Like... At all. In fact, I have no idea why I thought that it would in the first place.”

Doctor Lolipop scoffed and rolled his eyes, “Doctor Geld is just jelly because he doesn’t have any balls. He may have seven degrees in fields ranging from Biochemistry to Equine Anatomy, but he doesn’t know the first thing about being a good doctor!”

“But... Isn’t knowing about how ponies get sick important?”

“Dick, Listen to me, and listen to me real good,” Doctor Lolipop leaned forward in his seat, putting a hoof on Doctor Dick’s chest, "I never needed credentials from you, because knew, from that very first day in the OR, that you would make a good doctor. Being a doctor isn't about deep understanding of anatomy, nor about steady control of a tool, nor is it even about making the right diagnosis... It's about making bold, dramatic decisions, that make for incredibly watchable prime-time TV!"

Doctor Dick stood in silence, slowly nodding as it all began to make sense to him. Of course... Most of the medicine in this story had seemed like bullshit that was made up just to drive the plot... Like a medical drama... He was in a Medical Drama... Which meant...

“Nurse Melodrama is the most important pony on the staff.”

Doctor Lolipop nodded, “Exactly!” And with that, he took another big bite out of his semen-muffin.

And it wasn’t gay, because they said No Homo.

Author's Note

It's like taking a dump on FiMfiction, and making the internet smell it.

Fuck you internet. Fuck you. >:)