The Beard with a Jerk-Ass Hanging off of It

Star Swirl the Bearded examined the magical table in front of him with the keen eye of a pony who simply had to be the absolute best at magic by virtue of his name being composed of the most magical elements of all “Star”, “Swirl”, and most importantly, “earde".

With his keen observational skills, he had deduced that the table was, indeed, magic. Why it was so obvious that it was tragic! Tragic that no other ponies had both the smarts and heart to wield the power which made other, unworthy ponies cower!

With a zap from the point above his hat, white light corrected the oversight of the table and its map causing it to unwrap into crystal tree that contained the elements of harmony.

Of course, ponies gasped and clapped and celebrated his skills which were often quite underrated and once again the mighty—

“HEY!” a deep masculine voice called out. “STOP ZAPPING MY ROOF, YOU OLD SMELLY BASTARD!”

—Old Smelly the Bastard had proven…

…

Wait?! What?!

“Who the hay was that?!” Applejack exclaimed as she stared at the table that usually showed a map of Equestria, but instead was showing the Tree of Harmony.

Rainbow Dash raised a forehoof up to forehead and shook it slowly as she let loose an annoyed. “Ugh… this guy…”

“Oh no…” Twilight uttered.

“This guy?!” Applejack cried. “What guy are ya talking about?!”

Flash Magnus’s ears perked up, “That voice! It can’t be…”

Rockhoof huffed out a sigh heavy with perhaps not-so-fond memories. “This guy…”

Starlight chuckled. “This guy…”

“No, seriously!” Applejack snapped. “What guy are we talking about?!”

“Beats me!” Pinkie said with a shrug.

Fluttershy and Sunburst said nothing and peered at the table curiously.

Meadowbrook, Mistmane, and Somnambula all let out shrieks of girlish delight. “This guy!” they said excitedly.

“WHAT GUY ARE WE TALKIN’ ABOUT?!” Applejack hollered in frustration.

Star Swirl slammed both his forehooves on the top of the table, causing the image of the harmony tree to flicker somewhat.

“KNOCK IT OFF!” Roared a voice from inside the table. “THAT’S REALLY LOUD AND THERE’S A TON OF SENSITIVE EQUIPMENT UP THERE!”

“SHOW YOURSELF, YOU MANGY CUR!”

The room fell silent as the sound of tiny pads hitting tiny stairs could be heard before a tiny door opened on top of the table nearly right under Star Swirl’s nose. Out of the tiny trap-door appeared a tiny tan colored dog with a teeny-tiny curled white tail and white underbelly. He wore teeny-tiny headphones which had a doubly-teeny-tiny microphone and glared up at Star Swirl with the tiniest-tiniest pair of little doggy eyes perhaps in all of existence.

A series of groans rang out from the ponies, a few more squeals of delight, a couple murmurs of confusion, and super-teeny-tiny gasp from Fluttershy as her eyes grew to the size of large saucers at the sight of the animal.

Applejack leveled a forehoof at the mouse-sized dog. “What in the name of Sam’s, Pam’s, and Liam’s hill is that little critter?!”

Star Swirl motioned towards the dog and glared at Twilight. “What is this creepy little beast doing in the table?!”

“That’s what I want to know!” Twilight exclaimed in annoyance.

“Hey!” the tiny dog protested in a voice that was decidedly the opposite of teeny-tiny. “The ‘little beast’ has a name, you old codger! And it’s ‘Order’. ‘Ya know… I’m just the guy who’s been keeping Equestria afloat since before you ponies even got ‘yer acts together!” Order glanced behind him. “HEY! That’s my basement you’re spyin’ on! That’s definitely not cool, ‘ya old flank-hole!”

Star Swirl’s eyes twitched in annoyance, but before he could get in a word edgewise, Rainbow Dash spoke up, “Hah! Like you’re one to talk!”

“Well, when I do it, it’s for the greater good!” Order insisted.

Starlight nodded and parroted out, “The greater good…” quietly.

Order motioned to Star Swirl. “When this old coot does it, it’s for something stupid!”

“Fool of a mongrel! We need tools to defeat the greatest threat to Equestria that’s ever lived!”

“Then just ask Rockhoof to bean you with his shovel, already!” Order quipped. “Unless you weren’t including yourself. In which case Starlight is also right here and all you need is some wind and a few kites to keep her happy.”

Starlight chuckled to herself.

Twilight raised an eyebrow at her student/roommate. “You’re happy he called you the greatest threat to Equestria that’s ever lived?”

Starlight shrugged. “Sure! It’s kind of a compliment if you think about it.”

“I really try not to think about it…” Twilight admitted.

Pinkie bounded up to the table and laid her head on it sideways as she got a look at the very, very small dog. “What are you doing in Twilight’s table, Mr. Order?”

“Spying on ponies!” Rainbow Dash accused.

“Oh, he’s not that bad!” Starlight insisted.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Right. Because of course you’re fine with some being monitoring everything that goes on in Equestria!”

Starlight shrugged. “Gotta keep the peace somehow!”

Order’s tiny dog face scrunched up in annoyance, causing Fluttershy to let out a nearly inaudible squeal of delight. “Just pointing you girls in the right direction to keep Equestria safe while some bearded moron gets himself stuck in Limbo for over a millennium.” He turned back towards Star Swirl. “Nice job by the way, jack-ass!”

Star Swirl sneered down at Order. “I did what was necessary to protect Equestria!”

Order pointed a paw upwards. “You just figured out whatever portal based solution ya could to deal with Stygian and rolled with it, ya one-trick pony ‘tard-mo!”

“Wait, who?” Twilight asked.

“Do not speak unless spoken to, strumpet!” Star Swirl snapped.

Mistmane took a step forward. “Star Swirl, perhaps you should just put Order out of mind for the time being,” she soothed.

“Neigh! NEVER!” Star Swirl said.

Somnambula woozily drifted forward and pointed towards the tree. “Look, the seeds we planted have borne a tree! And that tree has borne fruit! And that fruit has borne a castle! And, my-oh-my did that analogy get away from me.”

“Then it did work!” Rockhoof crowed triumphantly.

Sunburst looked at the massive pony curiously. “What worked?”

Mistmane smiled serenely at the ponies present. “We wanted to leave something to protect the realm in our absence, but we never dreamed our gift would become so powerful!”

“Well of course it became powerful!” Star Swirl interjected. “Anything from my seed is bound to be glorious.”

There was an uncomfortable silence only punctuated by an equally uncomfortable cough from Flash Magnus.

“HA! As if!” Order called out. “Yer probably shootin’ blanks by now, old man!”

“I WILL BANISH YOU, MUTT!”

“I’d love ‘ta see you try!”

Applejack looked over the Pillars. “Y’all mean the Elements came from you? Did… Did this tiny dog come from y’all as well?!”

“See, applepony,” Order interrupted in a dry murmur of a tone, “it’s comments like that that explain why ‘yer the least popular of the Elements.”

“Hey!” Applejack protested.

Order rolled his eyes. “And, you caught me!” he said sarcastically as he pointed towards Star Swirl again. “That’s right! I sprung fully formed from this flank-hole’s shaggy beard!”

“YOU DARE INSULT MY BEARD, MANGY MONGREL?!” Star Swirls horn suddenly blazed with white light. “TO TARTARUS WITH YOU! THE MUCH LARGER, THREE-HEADED MONGREL SHALL BE YOUR KEEPER!”

“BRING IT, SWIRLY!” Order suddenly spoke into his microphone. “Alexa! Operation: Sandstorm!”

A ribbon of light appeared on the edge of the table and made a single rotation around it.“Playing Sandstorm by Darude,” a female's voice called out from the table as all light, save the glow of Star Swirl’s horn went out in the room. A repeated string of music filled the room along with a sudden cascade of different colored lights and lasers which shot forth from the table’s surface, several catching Star Swirl in is wide-open, angry eyes.

“GHA! My vision!” Star Swirl hollered in pain before he collapsed to the ground, clutching at his eyes feebly as he rolled about the ground, adding the sound of jingling bells to the electronic dance music.

“Alexa! Stop!” Order ordered.

With another spin of the blue ribbon, the music and light show stopped, the hologram of the Tree of Harmony returned as well as the lights. Meanwhile, Star Swirl continued to writhe around on the ground.

Order padded up to the side of the table and peered down at Star Swirl. He pointed with a forepaw. “YEEEEAAAAAH! Taste the PAINBOW, ya old miserable jerk-face!”

“Oh, that’s good…” Rainbow Dash said. “I should use that.”

Starlight trotted up to the edge of the table. “That was fantastic. I would have happily paid cash money to have seen that.” She said as she held out a forehoof.

Order happily swatted at the forehoof with a paw. “Oh, I’ll happily blind that old goat for free any day of the week!”

“YOU LEAVE MY GOAT OUT OF THIS!” Star Swirl screamed.

Sunburst stepped up and leaned down to bring Star Swirl back up to his hooves, in a huff of stomping and jingling, the wizard retreated to an empty spot in the room and began rage pacing, filling the air with the sound of angry jangling bells. Sunburst watched for a moment then turned back toward Order. “Well, that explains… uh… literally nothing… If you pardon the question, where did you come from?”

“Look buddy, I could explain the complexities of magic and molecules collecting at the beginning of time jus’ ta form a being designed to keep ya all from burnin’ the whole place down ‘cause ya ponies can’t, like, figure out how ta have breakfast once a day with each other without there being a threat to the whole dang planet!”

Applejack groaned. “So, there’s jus’ been this tiny dog runnin’ around Equestria since as long as any pony could remember?”

Rockhoof looked down and nodded. “That’s certainly the way Order has always explained things, yes. None amongst us has uncovered any evidence to the contrary.”

Applejack looked around the room. “Well, why the heck am I jus’ hearing about this now?!” Her gaze lingered on Rainbow Dash, Twilight, and Starlight in particular. “Ah mean, it’s pretty clear this isn’t news to everypony not a Pillar or a crotchety old rejected Hearth’s Warming display piece!”

Rainbow Dash shrugged. “Take it from Rarity and me. Finding out brings you no joy whatsoever. Just lots and lots of paranoia that you’re being watched from this point on.”

Twilight sighed. “That it does…”

“So, Rarity even knows?!” Applejack exclaimed. She looked about the room. “Am I literally the last pony to hear about this?!”

“Uh…” Sunburst said.

“Sorry, Sunburst,” Applejack said, “Yer so quiet, I kinda forget yer here half the time… Worse than Fluttershy even.”

“Oh, uh, no worries,” Sunburst replied.

“I didn’t know about it!” Pinkie squeaked in an annoyed tone. She scrunched her face into an accusatory glare that she then leveled at Rainbow Dash and placed a few inches from the rainbow pegasus’s face. “Pies! Secret tiny dogs! Is our entire friendship based on a foundation of lies, Dashie!?”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and gently pushed Pinkie back about a forearms’ length away. “Chill, Pinkie. I wasn’t hiding Order from anypony. More like I didn’t talk about him because I’m trying hard to forget he exists!”

“So… What?!” Applejack exclaimed. “Only the earth ponies didn’t know?!”

Sunburst cleared his throat.

“An’ Sunburst,” Applejack added as Sunburst nodded satisfactorily.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Get over yourself, AJ, Fluttershy didn’t know either.”

Pinkie shrugged. “She’s kinda half earth pony!”

Fluttershy spoke up, “And she’s peeved she wasn’t told either! Like… super-peeved.”

Meadowbrook chuckled. “It’s okay if ya say ‘pissed’ ya know?”

Fluttershy cringed slightly. “Well, let’s not go crazy, now…” She turned and trotted over the table, placing her face right next to Order. “Who’d have thought such an adorable creature was living in Twilight’s castle!”

“Hah! Oh, go on!” Order said with a swat at the air. “No, really. I thrive on compliments!”

“He spies on ponies, Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash hissed.

“Awww…” Fluttershy said as she lowered a forehoof low enough that Order could rub his chin against the edge of it. “I have animals around that spy on me all the time! It’s not a big deal.”

“But this animal can TALK!” Rainbow Dash pointed out.

Fluttershy turned and frowned heavily at Rainbow Dash. “Most the animals I know can talk. It’s just that most ponies can’t understand them.”

Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes. “Yeah, but still!”

Sighing, Twilight stepped up to the table, “Well, since you’re here—”

“I’m always here on the account that I live here!” Order replied.

Twilight’s expression tightened, “— maybe you can help us with the—”

‘Smack! Jingle-jangle!’

“OW!” Twilight cried out in surprise as a large, pointed hat with bells on it swatted her across the side of the face, winning more glares from most the mares present.

“SPEAK NOT TO THAT HORRID BEAST! HE WILL ONLY LEAD US ASTRAY LIKE THE MUTT HE IS!”

“STRAYS DON’T HAVE HOMES, YA FACE-FURRED MORON! YOU ARE JUST THE WORST AT DOG PUNS!” Huffing out a sigh, Order turned towards Twilight. “Sorry, Princess should-really-get-a-spa-room-in-the-castle.”

“Uh… I mean… That’s not really important right now—”

“This is yer bed you made and you gotta lay in it!”

Twilight let out a sigh heavy with regret. “But I didn’t mean to let out the Pony of Shadows. I just wanted to rescue my idol!”

“Oh, right, right… The PoS. That’s a thing.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Well… yeah! Who did you think I was talking about?!”

“Mistmane!” Star Swirl called out. “Tell your hair to stop doing that unnatural ‘wafting in the windless room’ nonsense! It’s both overly showy and quite possibly evil!”

“I keep telling you, you old fool! It does that on its own!”

“ALL THE MORE REASON TO BELIEVE DEMONIC POWERS ARE AFOOT!”

Order rolled his eyes. “Maybe the jerk-ass who's complaining about the showiness of magical floating hair when he’s wearing bells?”

Twilight frowned. “Why does everypony keep picking on Star Swirl! He’s not that bad!”

“I’d attempt to refute that, but he’s about to hit you with his hat and yell at you again.”

‘Smack! Jingle-jangle!’

“Owch!”

“I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP SPEAKING TO THAT FLEA BITTER CUR, STRUMPET!”

“See?” Order added.

“Ugh, fine!” Twilight said, “if you’re not going to help I’ll just do this on my own!”

Glancing over, Sunburst frowned slightly. “Well… I’m still here…Ghak!” Sunburst was suddenly cut off as he was taken in a magenta glow and wrapped in Twilight’s forelegs.

“Look, Princess,” Order continued, “I’m not trying to give ya the cold shoulder here, but Star Swirl’s record when it comes to helping other’s is kinda all over the place! Sher he’s helped a lot of ponies in Equestria but you and I both know he didn’t do Sunset or ya any favors with those Sirens. Plus, like, he got himself and all the pillars locked up in Limbo, and those other five are pretty cool dogs.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow as the pony in her clutches struggled for breath. “I think you mean ‘cats’.”

Order narrowed his eyes “No. No, I don’t.”

“Well, anyway,” Twilight said, “it didn’t seem like Rockhoof and Flash Magnus where all that pleased to see you.”

“Oh, they’re just sore on account of me always beatin’ them when it comes to drinkin’.”

Twilight’s entire face contorted in confusion as she looked down at the tiny dog on the table. “I… but… how?!”

“Gkt!” Sunburst uttered from within Twilight’s grasp.

“I know, right?!” Twilight replied.

Order just shrugged. “Beats me why those guys don’t know how to pace themselves better. Anyhow, assuming that idiot doesn’t get everypony banished a second time, I’m sher me and the pillars will tie a few more on and have a great time.”

Twilight pursed her lips slightly as if mulling over this new information.

“Hey, Twilight,” Starlight called out as she walked up.

Twilight hugged Sunburst all the tighter much to his great distress. “No! My stress cuddle-buddy! Mine! You can borrow Spike while I can’t have him!”

“Uh… Okay?” Starlight said. “I mean… I think Rarity is having her way with him now… or vice versa… or both? It wasn’t clear what was going to happen except for debauchery.”

“Oh, right!” Order chirped as he began walking back towards the trap door. “That reminds me. I have some quality, uh… friendship problems to scout out…”

This only caused Twilight to clamp down on Sunburst all the harder. She whimpered in Order’s direction.

Order stopped, turned, and sighed. “Alright, alright! I’ll give you a booty call if I figure out where the PoS has gotten off to, okay?”

Twilight simply nodded.

Smiling, Order continued to pad back to the opening in the table. “Now, speaking of getting off…”

Twilight cringed and squeezed Sunburst tight enough that the pony frantically swatted at Twilight’s forehooves in attempt to get her to loosen them.

“Whoops, sorry!” Twilight said as she relaxed her vice-like grasp on Sunburst long enough that he could take a few gasping breaths.

“Besides,” Starlight continued, “Spike should probably shower before he’s handled by anypony else,” She pointed out. “At the very least, I bet he shows back up covered in Rarity juices.” Starlight seemed to ponder this for a moment.

Twilight cringed slightly and tightened her grip causing Sunburst to flail in her grasp. “Thank for reminding me that my dragon of near indeterminable mental age is having a rather hot-and-heavy coming of age ceremony at this very moment.”

Starlight shrugged. “Considering all he’s been through, especially with Rarity, he kind of deserves it… On a related topic, does Spike sweat?”

Twilight’s grip on Sunburst loosened somewhat and grabbed another gasp of air. “You know what? Oddly enough, he does.”

Starlight rubbed her chin slightly. “Dragon physiology is weird…”

“Heh. Tell me about it,” Twilight said.

“Look, I didn’t walk over here because I needed a hug, though you should loosen up on Sunburst again.”

Sunburst wheezed in agreement.

“Oh…right…” Twilight said, releasing Sunburst enough that he could start catching up on all the precious oxygen denied him over the last few minutes. Twilight let out a heavy sigh. “So, let me guess. If you’re not after hugs, then you’re also going to tell me I should stop working with Star Swirl.”

“No,” Starlight said, “I think you should disintegrate him or at least cast a sleep spell on him so we can take turns doodling on his face.” Starlight frowned slightly. "Though, it's not like anypony can draw a phallus big enough to eclipse our canvas in that case.

Twilight simply responded with a tired, annoyed groan.

“Or at least a ‘mute’ spell?” Starlight suggested. She shook her head anything’s better than just letting him have his way.”

“Oh, there you go! You just want to use magic to solve all your problems, Starlight!”

“I uh…” Starlight pursed her lips and thought about this for a moment. “I guess you have something of a point? Though, you can just slug him, too! I mean, you’ve got to have some of that earth pony strength going for you.”

“I’m not going to just slug the legendary Star Swirl the Bearded!”

“Come on!" Starlight insisted. "He's smacked you with his hat and hoof a few times! You can at least ring his bells a little... You know... with violence."

"Yes, Starlight, I got that." Twilight shook her head. "I'm not interested in hurting Starswirl, alright?"

“Well, you should take charge somehow. I mean… Pretty sure princesses out-rank uppity old wizards, for starters.”

Twilight sighed. “But Star Swirl has insight into how to deal with the Pony of Shadows, Potentially one of the greatest threats in Equestrian history!”

“‘Potentially’ is right! We have no idea how big of a threat the Pony of Shadows is! And the biggest assurance that this matters at all is—”

“WHOSE JOB IS IT TO KEEP THE SKY CLEAR AND WHY ARE THEY SO BAD AT IT!” Star Swirl demanded as he stared out a pair of open doors to a balcony.

“— that guy!” Starlight said as she motioned towards Star Swirl.

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash protested. “I was busy helping get you out of Limbo and also getting laid!”

“Ugh…” Star Swirl groaned. “Of COURSE, a mare would be in charge, which would explain the condition of the sky!”

“There’s literally one cloud in the sky!” Rainbow Dash retorted.

Star Swirl turned towards the open balcony and shook a forehoof at a single fluffy white cloud in the sky. “AND IT’S A TESTAMENT TO YOUR CONTINUAL FAILURE AS A PONY!”

Rainbow Dash scrunched her face into an irritated glare. She reached out with a foreleg and looped it around one of Flash Magnus’s and began to drag him out of the room. “Come on Flash, I need your help for something…”

Flash Magnus followed but looked at Rainbow Dash in confusion. “You need help clearing the sky of a single cloud?”

“No, I have 99 problems, but a cloud isn’t one of them. Right now I need help with problem 69 or the current lack of that number in my life.”

With a confused, if rather hopeful look on his face, Flash Magnus allowed Rainbow Dash to escort him out of the room.

“I’m sure Star Swirl is just under a lot of pressure,” Twilight said in a tone that seemingly meant the statement was for her benefit as much as any ponies.

“That’s understandable…” Sunburst said, clearly still trying to return to a normal breathing cadence. “The pressure feels pretty crushing as of late.”

Starlight frowned heavily. “At least you could, I don’t know, reach out to Princess Celestia and Luna?” Starlight’s face tightened slightly. “Actually, with that huge explosion, I’m not entirely sure why they’re not here already, in fact”

-ooo-

“SISTER!” Luna cried as she threw open a white door with a yellow sun on the front. “There was an explosion at Twilight’s castle! It looked like… like…” Luna’s eyelids dropped as she peered into the darkness of her sister’s quarters. Usually, her sister’s room was awash with the day’s sun, no surprise there, but right now the curtains were drawn and the only light seemed to be coming from the room behind Luna. “Celestia? Are you—”

“The Dragon Slave,” Celestia answered. “Yes, I know… I saw it… It seems my former student has worked wonders with Star Swirl’s journal.”

Luna scanned the darkened room. “Sister?” she called again. “I hear you but, I do not see you.”

“Down here, Luna!”

Luna took a few more steps forward and stopped at her sister’s ornate, four post bed. Looking down at it, she saw only empty, perfectly ironed covers. Dropping her head nearly to the floor, Luna final caught sight of her sister, curled up on her side so that her horn did not pierce the bed above.

“Hello, Luna,” Celestia greeted.

“Sister,” Luna greeted simply. “Do you intend to ignore the explosion at Ponyville?”

“If Ponyville calls for aid, I will supply it,” Celestia informed, “However, I’m confident Twilight and her friends can handle the old man’s tantrums,” she added. “Dealing with powerful magical beings who don’t understand friendship is sort of her specialty after all.” Celestia pulled in on herself somewhat. “Also, just remembering the sound of bells and the sight of Star Swirl’s beard fills me with a dread I had hoped I had laid to rest a long time ago…”

Luna gave Celestia a knowing frown and nodded. “Then I have one more question for you…”

“It’ll be tight,” Celestia said, “but yes, I think you can fit down here.”

“Oh, good,” Luna replied as she got on her belly and crawled under the bed. “Oof!” she frowned as her flank had a sudden issue getting under the edge of the bed and silently wondered how her own sister managed to fit in such a confined space. With a tug, she pulled the rest of herself under the bed and cozied up to her sister in the confined space. “How long do you think we should stay in the designated ‘No Bearded and Bell Wearing Boys Allowed’ Fort?’”

There was the tinkling of something against a ceramic container. “As long as the cookies I snagged from the pantry last,” Celestia informed.

There was a rustling from under the bed. “And I have grabbed all the cheese sticks I could find from the royal kitchen.”

“Be strong, Luna,” Celestia said. “We’ve weathered storms like this before! We can do it again.”

“Of course, Sister… Though I remember the space under your bed being substantially larger over a 1,000 years ago…”

-ooo-

Twilight sighed. “I’m sure they have their reasons,” she said as she began to slowly tighten her grasp on Sunburst.

Sunburst’s eyes went wide with worry.

“Well, I’m sure those reasons aren’t likely to be as good as what we could use their help for!” Starlight countered.

Sunburst shot a pleading look at Starlight as Twilight’s forelegs continued to tighten. “I’d rather try to fix this myself unless there’s a good reason for asking for their help,” Twilight countered. “Right now, it seems like we have the situation well under control.”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “Right! The Pony of Shadows is potentially the worst threat to Equestria ever, but that’s not worth bothering the other two princesses over!” Starlight said. “That makes sense!”

Sunburst let out another strained gasp as Twilight’s grip tightened further. Twilight opened her own mouth as to protest Starlight’s previous protest, but was cut off before she could get a word out.

“USELESS FEMALES SHUT YOUR WORD HOLES!” Star Swirl cried. “Though, I understand that will be of great difficulty for you!” This statement won Star Swirl a number of dirty glares of the mares present, with the exception of those pillars who only rolled their eyes, clearly use to this line from him. “Through my own brilliance, I have figured out how to trap the Pony of Shadows back in Limbo without the use of Ponehenge!”

Twilight loosened her grasp once more, much to the joy of Sunburst and his lungs. “See!” Twilight said. “Star Swirl has it all figured out.”

Star Swirl motioned towards the Tree of Harmony hologram. “And it involves using these elements, consuming their power whole, and leaving this castle a withered husk!”

Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Applejack all gasped, and there came at once a strained gurgling noise from Sunburst as well as the clicks of several bones as Twilight squeezed her ‘stress-cuddler’ for all he was worth. Sunburst’s face began to turn a shade of color not too dissimilar from Twilight’s own coat.

“Right, totally figured out,” Starlight uttered sarcastically.

Star Swirl continued, “Also the Pillars and I will once again be trapped in limbo, thus, not only invalidating my useless strumpet of an assistant's work but in fact objectively make things worse than they were before she undid my spell.”

Twilight let out a small, distressed shriek and somehow managed to tense her body further, causing a sickly sounding ‘crack’ from Sunburst’s bones and a wet, throaty exhale from his throat.

Starlight glanced up at the ceiling and shrugged. “On the other hoof, sometimes sacrifices must be made for the greater good!”

“Hey, wait a second!” Order’s voice called out. “What’s that old goat going on about?!”

“I TOLD YOU TO CEASE YOUR PRATTLING ABOUT MY GOAT!”

Panic written across her face, Twilight dropped Sunburst. Sunburst suddenly inhaled a gasp of relief as his body oozed out onto the ground in a nearly jelly-like viscosity. Bolting up to Star Swirl with a pensive smile on her face, Twilight said, “Uh, so about this whole using-the-elements-destroying-my-house thing…”

“Seriously!” Order called out. “Just what the heck are ya talkin’ about out there?!”

Star Swirl rolled his eyes so hard his head bobbed slightly and his bells jangled. “You made it a whole half a minute without interrupting, Twilight Strumpet the Useless! That must have been a record for you.”

“Er…” Twilight’s nervous smile took on an air of sheepishness as a pink blush accompanied it. “I just thought maybe we can consult with some other resources? I mean… I’m not the only Princess. You remember Princess Celestia and Luna, right?”

"WHAT?! NO!” Star Swirl snapped.

Twilight’s smile fell. “‘No’ you don’t remember them, or ‘no’ we won’t consult them?”

Twilight won another smack across her face with Star Swirl’s bell hat for her troubles.

“Ow!”

‘Jingle-jangle!’

“And what, pray-tell, would I ask them about?! If chocolate chip cookies are inherently superior to sugar cookies?!”

Twilight looked at Star Swirl in confusion for a moment. “Uh… Why would Princess Celestia and Luna care about that?”

Star Swirl’s brow tightened. “Perhaps a witless mare like you can communicate on their level, but the princesses are naught but children! What possible use would they be in this situation.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “You do recall we told you that you’ve been in Limbo for quite some time, right? I mean, it would follow that the Princesses are older now.”

Pinkie giggled. “And besides, there’s nothing wrong with a good cookie debate.”

Starlight chuckled and rolled her eyes. “I’m sure the princesses have better things to talk about than cookies now, Pinkie Pie,”

-ooo-

“Tia, ‘tis blasphemy!” Luna exclaimed. “How could you even suggest any cookie that lacks the balance of sweet sugar Vs. the delicious bitter taste of cocoa be the best?!”

“Oh, I think you're strongly overlooking the merits of a perfectly baked sugar cookie, Sister!” Celestia hissed out.

“There is simply not much to overlook!” Luna countered. “There are barely any ingredients to mention and none of which are that most perfect of cookie addition, the chocolate chip. You’re lucky I even humored this topic without the consideration of the cookies being baked with cacao powder to begin with!”

“You just like chocolate and chocolate chips because they’re dark like you!” Celestia accused.

“You cannot prove that is that reason!” Luna retorted.

-ooo-

“Bhah!” Starlight said. “Bhah! I say! Those two should simply concentrate on keeping the heavens in order!”

Twilight frowned. “Okay, but—”

“I said ‘bhah!’” Star Swirl stressed. “That duty of moving the sun and the moon is of monumental importance! It be best that they concentrate on such a thing.” Star Swirl pursed his lips slightly. “If they are to be commended for anything, it’s that they’ve managed to go this long with any dereliction of their duties.”

An uncomfortable silence fell over the ponies present.

Oddly enough, it was Fluttershy that broke the silence. "There's another Princess you know. One that doesn’t control the sun or the moon.”

“Everypony stop suggesting that toddlers help!” sneered Star Swirl.

“Ooo! Ooo! Flurry Heart!” Pinkie said as she bounced about excitedly. “I bet she could help!”

“Who or what is a ‘Flurry Heart’?” Star Swirl asked.

“Er… She’s technically another princess,” Twilight informed.

“Is she also ‘technically’ a toddler?!”

Twilight inhaled sharply.

“Oh, hehe,” Sunburst began. “Actually, she’s an infant. I’m her Crystaler.”

Pinkie giggled. “Hehehe… Best title for a royal babysitter, ever!”

Sunburst pursed his lips into a small frown.

“Pinkie Pie!” Starlight chastised. “Stop being so honest! That’s Applejack’s job.”

“Hey!” Applejack protested. “Ah’ve learned a lot recently about keeping mah trap shut or watchin’ what I say so I don’t have to commit kidnappin’s to make things right… or ya know… digging shallow graves as the case may be.”

“Er… I was talking about Cadance,” Fluttershy said. “Though, I thought that’d have been obvious.”

Star Swirl tilted his head and peered in Fluttershy’s direction with a look of interest. “Princess Cadence, you say? I presume from her name she is a Princess of rhythm, then?”

“Er… I guess you can say there’s a ‘beat’ to what she does, sure,” Fluttershy replied.

Pinkie let out another giggle. “Bum-bump! Bum-bump!”

“Then she’s the Princess of Time!?” Star Swirl asked, the corners of his lips looking like they might break into a smile.

“ER… Actually, she’s the Princess of Love,” Fluttershy said.

A mirthful giggle ran through the female pillars.

“Oh, that is jus’ precious!” Meadowbrook mentioned.

Mistmane smiled. “Yess! How wonderful that love iss held in ssuch high essteem!”

Somnambula let out a small chuckle. “Well, though I prefer hope, it is said that ‘love is all you need’.”

“BHAH!”

Rockhoof let out a sigh. “Oh, here it comes…”

“Double BHAH! TRIPLE BHAH!” With a white glow of his horn, Star Swirl’s hat flew off his head and began flying around the room swatting at all the ponies. The Pillars took their swats with little more than an eyeroll as Twilight, Fluttershy, and Sunburst took theirs with a cringe.

Pinkie merely giggled and swatted playfully at the hat as Applejack counter attacked the jingling menace with her own hat. Starlight simply put up a shield and glared at the piece of headwear as if she was contemplating disintegrating it.

Star Swirl returned the hat to his head, neatly putting it back into place with his magic before making an exaggerated effort to throw his forehooves in the air, causing bells to jingle as angrily as bells possibly could. “Does anypony else have any useless suggestions that are obviously inferior to my own where I come up with a plan to banish the Pony of Shadows once for all and everypony celebrates how great I am?!”

“Come to think of it,” Fluttershy said, her sentence briefly interrupted by a rage snarl from Star Swirl which she ignored as Star Swirl returned to examining the tree of harmony, “things would go much easier if Discord were here to help…”

“Oh yeah!” Pinkie chimed in. “And not like just now, but for literally everything we do!”

“Oh! That is good idea!” Starlight chimed in. “Do we have any way of contacting him?”

Fluttershy shrugged. “I kinda know where he lives inasmuch as anypony can understand the non-conventional physics around Discord’s house… Does anypony here know how to send message scrolls at a blaight angle to a quasi-un-reality?”

Pinkie’s face lit up. “Maybe he’ll show up if we say his name three times or something! Ooo! Ooo! Or maybe Fluttershy can go to a bathroom, turn off the lights, and say his name into the mirror until he shows up.”

Twilight frowned. “You’re thinking of the Bloody Mare, Pinkie.”

“I might be thinking of the Bloody Mare,” Pinkie admitted.

“Who are you foolish fillies prattling on about?!” Star Swirl demanded.

“Oh, the Blood Mare?” Sunburst said. “Well, she’s a somewhat recent legend by historical standards, but she has roots going back to—”

“No,” Star Swirl interrupted brusquely. “Before that. I thought I heard a name from my time.”

“Discord,” Fluttershy said.

“Discord?” Star Swirl asked.

Pinkie giggled. “Discord!” she chirped excitedly.

At once, the room darkened again as a sickly-green spotlight hit the Harmony Table just as a bulge in the table’s surface sprang up. A bolt of lightning arced from the ceiling and struck this odd swelling, causing it to burst open as Discord, wearing a black-and-white vertically striped suit, black tie, and purple-undershirt sprung forth, cackling and laughing as he flailed about and fixed the ponies present with a mad, manic grin. “Iiiiiiit’s show time!” He declared.

“Hey! HEEEEY!” Order called out. “Enough with the messing with my roof!”

Discord laid onto his side, his midsection arcing up with the massive open bulge in the table. He propped up his chin with his lion’s paw. “Oh, lighten up, you old puppy. You should be happy I’m here.”

“I’ll be happy when you figure out how ta respect other people’s property!” Order exclaimed. “Bad enough I have to deal with you during the holidays…” he muttered.

“Ah have soooo many questions right now,” Applejack said.

“Discord!” Fluttershy said happily.

Discord got back up his dress-shoe wearing ‘feet’, smiled and bowed. “The chaos host with the most, babe.”

Pinkie inhaled a happy gulp of air and let it out with an equally happy. “Discord!”

Discord frowned. “Yes. Hi, Pinkie. Now, please. No pony else say my—”

“Diiiiiiscoooord!” Star Swirl growled out.

Discord sighed. “—name…” With that, the Lord of Chaos disappeared in an unceremonious blip.

Star Swirl smirked. “Good riddance!”

“HAH!” Order called out. “That’s whatcha get fer messing around with chaos powers, ya dumb jerk!” he called out.

“Uh, hey, Order?” Starlight said. She pointed a forehoof towards behind the small dog. “Your table is still… er…”

“Oh… he did not…” There was the sound of tiny dog feet stomping as a hatch opened up in the side of the window and Order stuck his head out to witness the mount of broken crystals that once was the top of the Table of Harmony. “GRRRRAAAAA!” Order exclaimed. “That guy is the WORST! I am so telling mom about this!”

“Just… all the questions,” Applejack said as she circled her face with a forehoof in the air. “Right here. All of ‘em.”

Twilight stared at the table with wide amethyst eyes that looked like they might overflow with tears at a moment’s notice. Taking a deep breath, Sunburst trotted up to the mare and extended his forelegs. He was quickly pulled into a squeezing and air-depleting hug much to Starlight’s annoyance.

‘Knock, knock, knock!’

Confused expressions on their faces, those present soon found themselves looking down at the floor.

‘BANG! BANG! BANG!’

Twilight leaped from the spot she occupied bringing Sunburst with her as the ponies all peered down at the floor.

“Can I come in, or up, or what?!” Discord called up from the floor.

“Uh… Come in?” Twilight called out in an unsure voice.

A trapdoor which certainly hadn’t existed until a few moments ago swung open and Discord stormed up and out, back to his normal-for-discord unclothed glory.

“Aww,” Fluttershy said in a disappointed tone. “I thought you looked good in a suit.”

“Well, it was more trouble than it was worth!” Discord spat out. “Plus, it needed a good fumigation.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Erm… I think you mean steam cleaning.”

“I know what I said!” Discord said.

“BEGONE VILE BRINGER OF CHAOS!” Star Swirl exclaimed as his horn began to glow white. “Least I banish you to some distant—”

With a heavy ‘SNAP!’ of his finger an orange traffic cone appeared over Star Swirl’s head muffling his voice, magic, and most importantly, his bells.

“Yes, none of that right now,” Discord said.

“Hey! HEY!” Order called out. “Kudos on shutting up the ol’ ding-bat, but what about my roof?”

Discord smiled wryly at the tiny dog. “I’m sorry, what about your what?”

“My roof!”

“What?”

“My Roof! Roof! Roof! Ro…” Order’s eyelids dropped and he shot up a glare at Discord. “Oh, I get it… and I don’t approve.”

Discord simply shot the dog a wry grin as Fluttershy let out a small giggle.

“Er, Discord?”

Discord glanced over to see Starlight looking at him with an imploring expression. Her countenance was mirrored by Fluttershy and both mares nodded in the direction of Twilight who seemed to be putting in a monumental effort towards holding back tears as she clutched dearly to an orange unicorn stallion whose face seemed to be turning a shade close to that of Twilight’s coat. “Oh, very well,” Discord said. With a snap of his eagle talon, the top of the table returned to its previous state of smoothness and tree displaying.

Twilight’s face relaxed as did her grip allowing the pony her grasp to once again breath.

“There! Was that so hard?!” Order asked.

Discord rolled his eyes. “You never did understand the importance of a good entrance.”

Rockhoof tapped his shovel on the crystalline floor. “Oh, I think many of us could have done with a few more low-key attempts at your arrivals,” he said coldly.

“My apologies,” Discord grinned and snapped his fingers, as a green leather outfit with golden trim appeared on his body along with a large, golden headpiece with a pair of massive curved golden horns extending from the front. “Is this more towards your liking?”

Somnambula joined Rockhoof in firing up a disapproving glare at the Lord of Chaos. “That is decidedly the opposite of ‘low-key’.”

Discord shook his head. “Oh, I know a rather powerful mouse that would disagree there!”

Starlight looked over the Pillars as Star Swirl managed to remove the traffic cone from his head and pull his hat from it with an annoyed grunt. Star Swirl’s rage-filled stare was completely unsurprising, but the other four pillars present didn’t seem to regard Discord with much better looks.

“Eesh, tough crowd,” Discord quipped as he unceremoniously snapped his eagle talon causing his outfit to disappear.

“Howdy, Discord,” Applejack said, her tone likewise a bit icy.

Discord seemed slightly taken aback by this, but tipped a wide-brimmed hat that had only existed for a few moments in the direction of Applejack anyways. “Well, Howdy, Aj! Ah’d reckon it’s a pleasure ta see ya again, but ya look more shook up than a cow that learned the hard way that milk should be taken outside before attemptin’ ta mix the ice cream in a shaker!”

Applejack cringed. “Don’t think I needed that image, thanks…”

Now sporting a brown afro with the tips of his antlers sticking out, a mustache, and a full brown beard over his white one, Discord paused and stared intently at the recently materialized canvas in front of him. “Oh, but I’ve just about captured the ‘happy accident’ in this picture right here!” he quipped as he swatted at the picture with a paintbrush, spraying flecks of white here and there.

“Uh look, I’mma be straight with ya,” Applejack said.

Discord nodded and dabbed his paintbrush against a paint pallet in his lion’s paw. “I understand, let me just mix some of my ‘girls of indigo’ here with my ‘betty white’ and get up some nice light-blue to get rid of ‘Brokeback Mountain’ in the background.”

“Uh… What?” Applejack replied

“Er, Discord?” Fluttershy interjected. “I think you should listen to Applejack. It’s important.”

Discord wordlessly looked down at the butter colored pegasus then back up to Applejack, giving her one of the rare occasions where he said nothing but looked on with his full attention.

“Look, Discord, I know there’s a time in a place for goofiness, but now’s not the time, Ah mean… Look at Pinkie!” Applejack motioned towards the pink mare.

Pinkie grinned. “I’m bottling my anger and frustration under a happy smile everypony!” she said in a chipper tone. “Let’s just hope I don’t have to do that for too long! Otherwise, Starlight won’t be the only pony who needs an alibi!”

Applejack continued, “Ah’m asking you, as a friend, to please cut down on the theatrics until we figure out the current problems facin’ the group.”

Discord simply nodded and pulled off his brown beard, mustache, and afro. He shoved the hairy heap along with his paint supplies into the canvas, knocking it and the ‘A’-frame it was on over, where the whole mess immediately caught fire.

“Da ya HAVE to start fire’s, indoors?!” griped Order. “Ah mean, you and I both know ya could have teleported that painting away! I’m sure there’d have been a spot on the fridge for it back at home!”

Discord shook his head. “You are still such a wiener dog,” he quipped as Twilight summoned in more flame retardant chemicals with a sigh.

“I’M A SHIBA INU!” Order hollered angrily.

“Yes, yes,” Discord said with a roll of his eyes. “You’re very committed to your weeaboo lifestyle!”

“THAT DOESN’T COUNT IF YOU EXISTED BEFORE THAT WORD, COUNTRY OF REFERENCE, OR CONCEPT OF WORDS EXISTED!” Order insisted forcefully.

Discord chuckled and leaned down to whisper in Starlight’s ear. “I’ve seen him try to eat hamburgers with chopsticks, you know.”

Starlight let out a small laugh. “Hahahheheee… I have no idea what that means. ”

“Hashi! Hashi!” Order insisted. “And the neighponese are VERY orderly!”

Applejack cleared her throat. “Let the record show that Ah quietly observed all this confusin’ and frustratin’ hoopla without loosin’ ma temper.”

Discord chuckled. “Oh, very well.” He rose back to his full height. “The truth is only one pony’s opinion matters regarding if I should go or if I should stay now!”

Fluttershy frowned slightly. “Well… If you go there could be trouble…”

Meadowbrook gasped. “But if he stays it could be double!”

“NO PONY WANTS YOU HERE YOU EVIL WRETC—”

With a ‘snap’ and a modest rain of stop signs, Star Swirl was cut off. “Thankfully, you’re not the pony I’m concerned with.” Discord turned and lowered himself, down to Twilight’s level, placing his grinning face a mere hoof’s width away from her own.

Twilight held onto Sunburst tightly, but even the stallion seemed somewhat grateful for his proximity to Twilight; given that the grinning face of Chaos was right in front of him.

“Well, Twilight, my dear?” Discord purred. “You’ve just got to let me know. Should I stay or should I go? Do you want my help with your angsty little rain-cloud, or not?” Still smiling, his words took on a somewhat dark, sinister tone. “Do note that your decision might affect my presence with any tempests or storms that grace your doorstep soon.”

Twilight’s eyes unfocused for a moment as she considered Discord’s offer. There was always the question of if Discord’s aid in a matter would make things better or worse, and truthfully, it felt like a coin toss at best. Yet, Discord had just shown up at her doorstep and offered his services. Did it really make sense to dismiss him out of hoof?

With the clanging of metal, a beard followed by an angry face appeared, this was followed by the jangling of bells as red octagon ‘STOP’ signs were floated away and a pointed hat returned to the head of one wizard who was shooting Twilight quite the look. A look that all but screamed that if she accepted a single paw, talon, or cloven hoof of help from Discord, he’d make sure his displeasure was quite well known.

Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “Thank you, Discord,” she said in an even tone. “But this is a pony problem. We’ll fix it on our own.”

Though the Pillars present let out murmurs of approval, Twilight’s friends all let noises of disapproval… save for her cuddle-buddy, who was gasping for air once more. Twilight loosened her grip on Sunburst who panted for a much-needed breath.

“So be it,” Discord said, any hint of mischief or mirth disappearing from his face. He pulled up to his full height and simply looked down with a blank expression at Twilight. At once, the alicorn mare felt her heart sink. In spite of his disarming behavior Discord wielded a power that shouldn’t be disrespected, and she had basically dismissed his help if only because her idol -whom she had just met today- would have disapproved. Worse than that, she had just snubbed the first friend who had offered help without attacking Twilight’s behavior that day; and she knew then and there, that she had just made a mistake. Sure, Discord had a checkered record concerning his aid to Twilight in the past, but this was certainly the first time he had offered aid with seemingly no strings attached, and she worried it might now be the last.

Discord’s smile returned. “Well, my friends, family, acquaintances, and much loathed ear sores!”

“LEAVE US, MISCREANT!”

Discord smile grew all the wider. “Ah… As predicted. Well! I simply must be off as there’s a delightful anomaly tearing through my sky, which I wouldn’t miss for the world… Sadly, my world will be missed…”

“Good! GO!” Order bayed out. “We didn’t need ‘ya to begin with!”

Discord tilted his head and gave the small canine a lopsided smile dripping with mischief. “Oh! I took the liberty of unloading your dishwasher, Order.”

“WHAT?!” Order barked. He suddenly sprinted back inside the table. “THE CUPS DON’T BELONG THERE! THAT CUPBOARD IS CLEARLY FOR PLATES ONLY!”

“Then why is it named a cupboard, pray tell?” Discord countered.

“I… YOU SHUT YOUR STUPID FACE, DISCORD! ALSO, YOU SHOULD KNOW THE SOUP SPOONS DO NOT GO IN THAT DRAWER!”

Appearing quite chuffed, Discord looked about the ponies present. “Goodbye, friends! Good luck with the oncoming maelstrom that’s sure to hit your next party.”

Pinkie maintained a grin, but it grew to an unnatural size. “Ooh… that sounded ominous…” Her entire body began to quack. “Ominous and my Pinkie sense went off! Let the record show that as happy as I appear, I’m actually terrified!”

Fluttershy frowned. “Discord wouldn’t let anything really bad happen to us,” She looked up at the Draconequus. “Right?”

Discord looked down and smiled. “You ask good questions, my dear.”

“LEAVE US!” Star Swirl ordered.

Discord simply clicked his tongue and saluted. “Au Revoir, you old goat!” With that, Discord disappeared in a blinding white flash.

“EVERYPONY STOP TALKING ABOUT MY GOAT” bellowed Star Swirl.

“Er… I’d normally deliver this news more gently,” Fluttershy said. Her eyes began to fill with angry, red veins that side swept toward her teal irises as her voice grew increasingly dark and menacing. “but I really, really, really DESPISE you with every FIBER of my being…” Noting she was getting a few looks of concern, Fluttershy cleared her throat and continued in a gentler tone. “Goats don’t have a very long lifespan,” she said. “Your goat has probably been dead for over 900 years now.”

“Wow, that’s sad,” Pinkie quipped.

Fluttershy shrugged. “At least the goat died not having to be around Star Swirl anymore.”

Star Swirl furrowed his brows angrily at Fluttershy and for a moment, many of the ponies present flashed concerned looks as if they might have to stop the old wizard from a magical assault. Instead, he opted for his normal route of screaming. “Grogar can’t die, he’s immortal!”

Silence once more descended upon the room. The modern ponies all put on quiet looks of confusion while a heavy stillness of dread came over the Pillars.

Applejack cleared her throat. “Okay… So… on behalf of Sunset Shimmer, I’d like to say… ‘Okay. Just. What?’”

“Bhah! Bhah! BhaaaaAAAaaaaah!” Star Swirl bleated. “It would be quicker to show you all!” he said as his horn burned brightly with his white magic. The magic swirling about Star Swirl’s horn went from white to gray, to grey (a darker shade of gray), dark-gray, dark-grey ( a darker shade of dark-gray), super-dark-gray, super-dark-grey (oddly, a lighter shade than super-dark-gray) then finally black. Black that soon entered his eyes and covered his body in a twisting, swirling aura of darkness. A beam of pure-anti light shot from Star Swirl’s horn and stopped in mid-air, creating a swirling disk that opened in the room to the sounds of sickly tearing, screaming, and the pitiful, hopeless moans of the downtrodden.

Everyone stared at the shifting mass of black in the middle of the room in shock, it was so dark in fact, that light around it seemed to be sucked in, dimming the area around it.

“Erm… Did… Did Star Swirl just make an evil hole?” Fluttershy said.

“Well, I am an expert on holes,” Pinkie assured, “having dug a thousand or more myself…” She pointed at the swirling vortex with a forehoof. “That one is definitely the evilest hole I’ve ever seen.

“Must be what his back end looks, like,” Applejack quipped much to the delight of the Pillars present.

Twilight sighed. “AJ, Pinkie, Fluttershy…” she uttered in the most chastising tone she could muster which wasn’t much of one at all.

“Alright,” Star Swirl said. “Everypony pile into my hole!”

With much griping, trepidation, and not an undue amount of near panic, everypony piled into the swirling vortex that quickly seemed to collapse on itself, disappearing without a trace.

“Hello? Hello?!” Sunset Shimmer called out as pushed open one of the dual doors to the throne/map/table room, her mane now a bit more of a tousled mess than it had been when she left. “Anypony here?”

“Oh hey, Sunset!” Order called from the table to the sound of tiny clanking plates. “You just missed the gang.”

“Oh, hi Order,” Sunset greeted in a casual tone. She trotted up to the table, eyebrows pre-locked in the ‘unamused’ position. “Did they head off to do something stupid?”

The door on the top of the table opened and Order appeared. “Oh, the stupidest. Star Swirl pulled them into a dark pocket dimension, or something… He kept going on about a goat.”

“Okay. Just. What?” Sunset replied.

Order shrugged. “I wasn’t really paying attention ‘ta be honest. I’ve dealt with the old codger enough times that I learned to subconsciously tune him out if he talks fer more than a sentence or two.”

Sunset simply nodded. “Yes. That certainly follows.”

Order glanced up at Sunset’s mane. “What happened to ‘yer ‘do there, Sunny?”

Sunset glanced up. “Oh, this? Yeah, that’s all sex hair.”

Order simply smiled and nodded. “Hah! Lot’a that going around!”

Suddenly the double doors flew open and a very happy, very satisfied, small purple-and-green dragon appeared. “Sunset!” he exclaimed as he got a running start to hug the moderately surprised alicorn.

“Ooff! Hey, Spike! You’re in a good mood.”

“I got laid!” Spike said. “Several times!”

Sunset nodded. “Lot of that going around…”

An off-white unicorn with her normally perfectly coiffed mane appeared in the doorway, her mane clearly having been tussled. Thoroughly. “Darings, Darlingss, darlingsssh… Ya know what would really help, dearestistsis?! Icesh packsh! Sheveral of them. Maybe even a tub of icesh water. Twiliight? Where do you keep your icesh?””

“Uh, hey Rarity,” Sunset greeted. “It’s just us here…” Sunset looked down at the dragon still hugging her. “Is she drunk again?”

Spike nodded. “The first few rounds where slow and sober but then Rarity said she wasn’t ‘inebriated’ enough to let me do certain things to her…” Spike grinned widely. “She fixed that in a hurry!”

“Sunshet, dearesht!” Rarity cried.

Sunset chuckled. “Watch that second syllable on the name would yo-OOF!” Sunset to her left and to her right, observing she was being held on tightly by both Spike and Rarity. She took a quick whiff of the air. “Man… It’s a good thing I already smelled like sex.”