The Beard with a Jerk-Ass Hanging off of It

Sunset Shimmer marched down the halls of Twilight Sparkle’s castle, every step reverberating throughout the crystalline halls with purpose. “What’s the sitch, Spike?” she asked her purple and green (but mostly purple) companion whom was walking fast to keep up with her.

“Twilight, Sunburst and Star Swirl are in Twilight’s study figuring out magic stuff while most every other pony is getting drunk or getting laid in the castle.”

Without slowing her pace, Sunset tossed a wayward glance down at Spike. “That’s an, uh, odd detail to share.”

“You asked!” Spike pointed out. “Oh… Twilight, Starlight, and Sunburst also released the Pillars.”

“The what now?”

“Uh, more ancient ponies of legend. Rockhoof, Mistmane, Flash Magnus, Mage Meadowbrook, and Somno… Sombla.. Somnambleah… pony who solved the Sphinx’s riddles!”

“Oh, cool. Hopefully they don’t get in my way regarding Star Swirl the Bastard.”

Spike shrugged. “Their relationship seems to be one of alcohol-based tolerance for the guy.”

“Alright, anything else?”

There was an audible gasp from behind Sunset and Spike. “Sunset! You’re here!”

Spike pointed behind himself with a thumb claw. “Starlight knows you’re here.”

“Yeah, I got that Spike…”

One of the gold-trimmed, green double doors exploded open and Rainbow Dash appeared wearing Flash Magnus’s helmet, which had slid down over her eyes. Lifting it up with a forehoof, she caught sight of the fiery looking alicorn. “HEY, EVERYPONY!” Rainbow Dash called out. “SUNSET’S HERE AND SHE’S WALKING TOWARDS THE STUDY!”

“Oh, and Rainbow Dash knows you’re here.”

Sunset gave a good-natured chuckle as she shook her head slightly.

At once, a few more doors opened and out poured the Element Bearers and Pillars, the former with expectant smiles on their faces and the latter with perplexed expressions as they inquired as to what was going on.

Spike glanced behind him towards the group. “Huh… No Rarity or Mistmane, though…”

“Aye,” Rockhoof said. “Those two were having a heated discussion regarding the sexual organs of dragons.”

“Oh, reaaally…?” Spike said, a massive smile on his face.

Applejack’s face tightened. “Yeah… It was gettin’ pretty detailed and weird… We’re talkin’ Mistmare holdin’ her hoof apart and Rarity using her measuring tape to figure out depth.”

“Hah, I like the sound of that,” Spike said.

“Calm down, Romeo,” Sunset said, smile on her face. “Star Swirl first, love second.”

Spike nodded and pointed. “The study is right down this hallway.”

Sunset nodded. “Alright mares and stallions, we’re about to hit an off ramp from the Highway to Hell,” Sunset’s smile became wide and devilish. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

Star Swirl pored over the books in front of him with an ease and expertise that can only come from years and years of careful study, rigorous work, and of course, being himself. Floating books about him, he both noted and quoted what was relevant onto spare parchment. With his skills at reading it was clear that he was exceeding at leading these proceedings. Why would any wizard, unicorn, showy triple-pony, or otherwise be able to outdo his ability to accrue and construe the magical clues of this gumshoe’s prevue? The very idea must be simply untrue! In fact, just a bit longer of this overview and it seemed that Star Swirl would rendezvous with a breakthrough, except something entered Star Swirl’s field of view. Yet another triple-pony mare who was making her Star Swirl debut.

At once the super showy orange mare with a red-and-yellow mane began speaking to Star Swirl. Nothing out the usual and nothing he hadn’t heard before. Yes, yes, he was assuredly great and a boon to Equestria. This was obvious. I mean, it never hurt that those lower ponies said the words reminding themselves as much as anypony, but it could be all so tedious after a while and…

Oh, hold on. Why were all the other useless mares suddenly piling in?! And why were they so giddy? Some low-brow, female joke no doubt… Except for the less impressive of Star Swirl’s new assistants. She seemed to be having another one of her emotional problems. By the gods was she lucky that her presence as an assistant was even tolerated and…

What is it that Flash is bugging me for?! Star Swirl wondered as a pair of burnt orange wings touched his shoulders.

“Yes?!” Star Swirl growled out. “What is it Flash?! And be quick about it! That’s the one thing you’re good for.”

“Er…” Flash Magnus cast a wary eye at Sunset, though it did him no good. Sunset smiled as sweetly and innocently as she must have on the happiest day of her foalhood. In fact, one might say it was even more sweet and more innocent than that. An idea that worried Flash Magnus to no end. “Perhaps it’s best you not converse with this one,” he advised. He glanced about his new friends, each present had happily and quickly piled out into the hall upon hearing the call of Sunset Shimmer’s name. Even Rainbow Dash, who he had gotten to know quite well in such a short amount of time was grinning expectantly at the newcomer. He lowered his head to whisper into Star Swirl’s ear. “It seems she has quite the temper…”

Star Swirl swatted at Flash Magnus, catching the pegasus on the chin and send him reeling back towards the group. “Well of course she has a temper! She’s a mare and therefore not in complete control of her emotions!”

A series of sharp, expecting breaths were drawn as most eyes on the room fell onto Sunset Shimmer. Sunset just smiled that same, happy smile. “Oh, don’t be like that! I’m only here to help you!”

“Hah! Into an early grave, maybe!” Rainbow Dash chortled.

“Rainbow!” Twilight chastised.

“Hah! Good one!” Starlight said as she and Rainbow Dash shared a hoof bump.

Twilight let out a defeated sigh.

Star Swirl just frowned at the newcomer. “Well, unless you’re an expert at magic, I don’t see how you can possibly help.”

“Oh, me?” Sunset said as she motioned to herself. “Hah. No… I mean,” Sunset shrugged, “I couldn’t tell a pair of harmonic converging ley lines forming a juncture from a pair of discordant ley lines breaking away!” Sunset turned, using a forehoof to muffler her voice from Star Swirl slightly. “The difference is blue Vs. red shift. Converging ley lines are blue as the energy pulls in and settles and breaking ley lines are red because the energy is sent outwards.”

Sunburst flashed Sunset an approving smile and raise a forehoof in a sign of agreement.

“Hmm, yes, you must know nothing,” Star Swirl said. “Such phenomenon is discussed in terms of red Vs. blue shift.” He shook his head. “Nopony calls it blue Vs. red. That sounds simply preposterous.”

“See!” Sunset said. “I don’t know anything about magic!”

“Wait,” Pinkie said, “Weren’t you Celestia’s personal student and adopted daught—”

Spike placed a claw over Pinkie’s mouth and brought a foreclaw up to his lips. “Shhhh… I wanna see where she’s going with this.”

“And while I know practically nothing about magic, I do know enough on how to catch you up on everything you’ve missed over the last millennium!”

“Bah!” Star Swirl waved a foreleg about dismissively. “Why would I care for the current drivel ponies are concerning themselves with? The only thing I care about now is banishing the Pony of Shadows.” Star Swirl turned and shot a glare at Twilight. “Which somepony is responsible for releasing.”

Twilight’s ears fell around her head as she let out a sad whimper.

“Oh, I’m not talking about—”

“That pony!” Star Swirl said as he pointed angrily at Twilight. “I’m talking about that pony there…”

“Yes, I got that,” Sunset said, her smile cracking ever so slightly. “Well, I have a spell that can bring you the scrolls of your time! Even from the day after you left!”

Pinkie couldn’t help but let out a quiet, but giddy. “Eeeeee! Here it comes! Here it comes!”

Spike swatted at her. “Don’t ruin it!” he said in an equally hushed tone.

“Ohmygosh-ohmygosh-ohmygosh!” Rainbow Dash began to chant.

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Oh no…”

“Shhh…” Starlight said with a smile. “Just sit back and let it happen…”

“Really?” Star Swirl said finally showing some interest. “Assuming this isn’t simply female trickery, that’s a spell of some modest impressiveness.”

Sunset nodded. “And I can summon the next days, and the next! All the way up until the modern newspapers of today!”

Applejack’s jaw about hit the floor. “She’s not…”

Fluttershy tittered expectantly. “She is…”

Twilight’s lips twitched in concern

“Well, no need to dawdle,” Star Swirl scoffed, “feel free to show off this supposed remarkable skill of yours. I know how you mares do enjoy showing off.”

“Of course!” With a scarlet glow of her horn, a similarly colored cylindrical beam of magic appeared and out from it popped a gilded scroll which Sunset held next to her smiling smugly.

The air grew thick with the feeling of anticipation.

Star Swirl smiled. “Well don’t keep me waiting! Let me have it.”

A series of grimaces followed accompanied by light chucking rippled through the room.

Sunset’s smile suddenly shifted from something innocent to something rather demonic. “With pleasure,” she purred.

With that, Sunset pulled the scroll back like a floating baseball bat and brought it in a graceful arc right across Star Swirl’s face, knocking the smile off it and causing the bells of his hat to ring out.

Star Swirl turned and looked at his assaulter, his face a mix of surprise and anger. “You dare strike—?!”

With another flash of her magic, another scroll appeared, this one likewise brought across Star Swirls face. “And that’s the next days’!”

“HOW DARE—”

‘Swat!’

“Day three!”

“YOU KNOW NOT—”

‘Smack!’

“FOUR!”

“I WILL BANISH YOU TO—”

‘Pow!’

“FIVE!”

“Gha!” Star Swirl called out as he reeled from the last blow.

With gleeful glow of her horn, Sunset summoned another scroll. This one she positioned high above Star Swirl as if preparing to launch it straight downwards at the unicorn.

Sunset suddenly found herself and her scroll being pulled back in a magenta glow. She flailed her hooves about as her horn flared scarlet in an attempt to free herself from the magic grasp she found herself in. “Let go of me! LET ME GO!” she exclaimed.

Starlight leaned over to whisper into Twilight’s ear, “I think you better listen to her.”

Twilight’s forehead tightened as her horn blazed with the same glow that held Sunset and buzzed angrily as Sunset attempted to free herself. Luckily, Twilight’s magic held. “Sunset! Calm down! You can’t just beat Star Swirl the Bearded with ancient periodicals!”

“IT’S BEEN WORKING WELL SO FAR!” Sunset screamed. “AND IF YOU LET ME DO IT A FEW HUNDRED THOUSAND TIMES WE’LL EVENTUALLY MOVE UP TO MORE MODERN PIECES!”

“SUNSET! You’ve got to calm down! Let’s talk about this!”

“No, Twilight! NO!” Sunset cried as she continued to struggle valiantly, but vainly against Twilight’s magic. “He’s the reason I have to put up with Adagio, Aria, and Sonata! He’s the reason mommy is unnerved by the sounds of bells and by the sight of bigwhite beards! Do you know how many Hearths Warming’s Star Swirl has ruined for me indirectly?! SLIGHTLY MORE THAN I’VE RUINED FOR MYSELF!”

With that, Sunset let out an incomprehensible rage-filled snarl and fought all the harder against Twilight. Sunset’s horn blazed with crimson energy as her magics pushed back against Twilight’s. Twilight’s own horn poured forth magenta energy, continuing to clasp tightly to Sunset even as the rival alicorn fought back. Both the horns of the mares began to angrily hum and vibrate as if threatening to shatter from the conflict of raw magical power.

Star Swirl got back up to his hooves and adjusted his wizard hat and robes. “Release the whelp!” he demanded.

Sunset stopped her struggle as Twilight looked at Star Swirl in surprise. “But—”

“NOW, STRUMPET!” Star Swirl demanded.

Twilight complied with a look of concern, gently lowering Sunset back to the ground. The mare eyeing Star Swirl wearily as if waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Engaged black eyebrows framed furious steel blue eyes as Star Swirl sized up the alicorn in front of him. “I should banish you where you stand.”

Sunset chortled derisively. “You’d be dead before you got a spell off…”

“Uh, Sunset?” Twilight said. “Now is not a great—”

“I SAID BE QUIET!” Star Swirl bellowed.

Twilight clamped her mouth shut.

Sunset tilted her head, her eyelids drooping slightly over her turquoise irises. “You can also be dead before you start on a spell…”

Star Swirl regarded Sunset with a look of determination. “A duel of magic strengths then!” He said as he stood as upright as he could, causing his bells to jingle.

No sooner had Star Swirl said this then an air of excitement and terror rippled through the ponies. Excitement from most of the residents of this time and terror from the pillars and Twilight.

Sunset’s smile grew wide, stretching nearly from ear to ear. “I’m your huckleberry. To the death? To the pain?” She added, practically purring out the last word.

“That shan’t be necessary,” Star Swirl said. “I needn’t destroy you completely to establish my superiority.”

Sunset frowned slightly. “Oh… So, if we’re not wagering our lives, then what?”

“If you best me completely, humiliate me completely in front of the ponies here, then I shall allow you to be leader of the pillars.”

Sunset’s eyes lit up. “I accept!”

“WHAT?!” Twilight said. “That’s crazy! At the very least we need to see if the Pillar’s agr—”

Flash Magnus’s wing shot up. “All Pillars in favor of this wager say ‘Aye’!”

“Aye!” came a chorus from the Pillars present including Flash Magnus himself.

“Opposed?”

Crickets.

“The ayes have it!”

Star Swirl gave Susnet the barest hints of a smile. “See, so confident in my abilities are my comrades, they immediately agree to my terms.

Sunset’s turquoise irises made a rotation around her eye sockets. “I’m sure that must be it,” she replied dryly.

Star Swirl continued. “And if you lose you’ll never grace my sight again!”

Sunset grinned wickedly. “Oh, you so have a deal!”

Starlight chuckled and shook her head. “Boy, did he word that wrong! All Sunset has to do is boil the eyes out of his face and she can technically win for losing!”

“Oh my goodness…” Sunburst uttered in a concerned tone.

“Starlight!” Twilight chastised, realizing she may have to say that quite a few more times that day.

“What?” Starlight protested. “Just look at her face! You know she’s thinking it.”

Twilight turned, her amethyst eyes going wide. With the crazed smile on her face, Sunset very much looked like she was playing for keeps, and one glance at Star Swirl’s determined face showed he was likewise just as serious.

“Alright, back it up, ponies,” Sunset said. “Give us some space.”

The ponies in the study complied, backing off to the far walls and shelves of the room as Star Swirl and Sunset began circling, each stepping in a clockwise fashion as they kept their eyes on the other. Their horns lit up, crimson Vs. white, each glow floating lazily at first from the owner’s horns before they slowly built in intensity.

Resolute steel blue eyes maintained focus on turquoise orbs of fury as each mage seemingly built their power for whatever attack might come next while preparing to defend themselves as necessary. Neither blinked nor wavered. There was no hint that either took the current proceedings as anything less than serious. If either would settle for anything less than complete victory, that fact could not be seen from the way each combatant carried themselves.

Star Swirl began to chant, causing Twilight and Sunburst to let out quiet shrieks of pure dread.

“Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows, buried in the stream of time is where your power grows. I pledge myself to conquer all the foes who stand before the mighty gift bestowed in my unworthy hands. Let the fools who stand before me be destroyed by the power you and I pos—”

‘SLAP!’

Another scroll was brought across Star Swirl’s face, interrupting his chant as his face was roughly smacked to the left. He turned and glared angrily at Sunset. “You DARE interrupt a wizard’s spell?!”

Another scroll summoned, and another swat occurred, much to Star Swirl’s annoyance.

Star Swirl grit his teeth and a dim white barrier appeared which warded off the next couple attacks. He began chanting once more, all while scrolls slapped at the outsides of his barrier to the sound of paper attempting to batter down an object constructed out of thick, thick glass. Star Swirl closed his eyes and when he opened them they were blazing pure, bright white. “Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows” —

“How about some current events?!” Sunset cried, as her magic glowed all the brighter as she summoned a newspaper from a red cylindrical portal this time.

Star Swirl’s horn began to blaze with blinding white light. —“ buried in the stream of time is where your power grows.” —

“This newspaper of mine glows with awesome power!” Sunset exclaimed as she held the paper upright in front of her, it seemingly bursting with magical energy to the point that it looked like it was alight with scarlet fire.

White light seemed to surround Star Swirl, filling his barrier with pure magical energy— “I pledge myself to conquer all the foes who stand”—

Sunset’s paper glowed all the brighter, it’s flames climbing up to the ceiling of Twilight’s study. “It’s burning grip tells me to defeat you!”

The ponies present and Spike shielded their eyes, Star Swirl’s awesome energy becoming a near blinding brightness.— “ before the mighty gift bestowed”—

Sunset swung the paper behind her. “TAKE THIS! MY LOVE, MY ANGER—”

— “in my unworthy hands. Let the fools” —

“—AND ALL OF MY SORROW!

— “who stand before me be”—

“SHINING PERIODICAL!”

Destroyed. DRAGON SLA” —

Sunset swung her blazing paper and it tore through Star Swirl’s white shield as if it were merely mist, the paper smashing across his cheek as he finished of the final syllables of “SLAVE” His spell went wide and shot upwards, obliterating a sizable chunk of Twilight’s wall, ceiling, and all the castle in between the study and the outside in a blaze of explosive white energy.

As crystal shards rained upon the study, Star Swirl smashed a forehoof on the ground, steadying himself. This could not be. He was STAR SWIRL the BEARDED! The mightiest wizard who had ever been or would be! This upstart would pay for her insolence, no matter what the cost!

Sunset summoned another paper, this one notably larger than the others in terms of girth. “AND HERE’S THE SUNDAYEDITION!” Sunset screamed as she launched it at Star Swirl like a missile. “IT’S EEEEEXTRAAAA THIIIICCCC!”

Star Swirl blasted the paper head on, his powerful blast of pure white magical energy dousing the scarlet field of Sunset’s magic and eating away at the layers of paper. However, those extra layers proved to be Star Swirl’s undoing, as the disintegrating mass of the paper still caught him on the right cheek and sent him reeling.

He caught himself once more and instinctively put up a barrier. Destiny… he thought as he tried to push himself back up to his full height. You cannot… destroy… my… DESTInnnyeEEEEeee…

Another paper hit home, shattering his barrier and catching him on the right foreleg, and then another on his left. His legs paper-cut out from under him he tumbled forward and hit the crystal ground hard.

Star Swirl’s eyes snapped opened and he searched for his opponent, but she could not be seen. A wall of cylinders stood before him, occupying everything he saw with a crimson haze around white and tan-white parchment dotted with black ink.

Star Swirl closed his eyes and put up his best shield. There was simply nothing else to be done.

And then another paper fell on him, and then another. A rain, a storm, a hurricane, A FLOOD!Star Swirl was buried under papers and scrolls that weighed down on him with all the force of a furious alicorn who was lifting the weight and pain of multiple words from her shoulders and dropping it atop the unicorn wizard all at once.

“SUNSET! THAT’S ENOUGH!” Twilight exclaimed as the papers continued to be pulled into the reality and dropped unceremoniously on an ever growing pile.

“Hahahahah! Is it though~?!” Sunset warbled. “EVEN WORKING FROM BOTH ENDS I’M BARELY A HUNDRED YEARS IN!”

“STOP!” Twilight bellowed. “MY POOR CASTLE CAN’T TAKE MUCH MORE!”

With what seemed like a monumental effort and a deep breath to match, Sunset’s blazing scarlet horn ebbed to a dull glow. She took another breath and let it out, and then another. Slowly the sharpened senses of one in battle left her and she felt herself returning to a normal feeling of frustration and anger at current events.

Sunburst and Starlight looked over the scrolls and papers in interest, Sunburst picking up one of these scrolls in a sunlight shining glow and unraveling it. He gasped. “This really looks to be from 1,000 years ago! How is that possible?”

Sunset shrugged. “Well, Star Swirl may not have been good for much other than magic, but his time spell certainly is of use.”

Starlight’s face lit up as Twilight let out a soft cry of terror. “You messed with time?! DO NOT BUCK WITH TIME!”

“Relax, Princess!”Sunset soothed as she trotted through the mess of scrolls and paper, wading through the shallows of it. “The spell temporarily pulls the scrolls and paper from their place in history. They bounce back to their original times in a few hours, their molecules even reassembling back to whatever they were before they were used, gently or otherwise, here.”

Twilight gave Sunset an unsure look. “Okay, but pulling that much matter across time and space has to do some damage!”

Sunset shrugged. “Some metaphysical tears that don’t seem to have a measurable effect on our plane of existence. Nothing to worry about…”

-ooo-

Discord let out a disgruntled grunt as he threw the mattress off of his body and stepped out of his covers, placing his cloven goats foot and dragon foot into a pair of bunny slippers that let out tiny screams of surprise and pain as he did. He pulled a pink bathrobe that was floating upwards off a hook and put it on, the robe still upside down and pointing ‘up’ relative to Discord’s slippers.

Cascading light of all colors, including ones of inconceivable shades of bleens and glurples flooded onto his uneven white ‘floor’ that was covered in flecks of white bits that shifted under his still screaming slippers as he groggily made himself to an open window where a sound of otherworldly humming accompanied the impossible light show.

Discord reached down and pulled up the window closed, before he likewise pulled up on a cord that was likewise pointed upwards and the windows butter-yellow window shades with pink trim flew upwards over the window.

Then Discord pivoted and put his shoulder through the shades, glass, and wood, plowing through the window and landing on his back, his face pointed upwards at an anomaly blasting him with noise, color, and who-knows-what previously undiscovered forces that would probably liquify his organs and give him a straight royal flush of all the tumors if such things mattered to him.

“Just great!” Discord exclaimed as he tossed up his eagle talon and lion paw up in the air as his bunny slippers and robes caught rainbow fire and burnt off his body. “Now I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn!” A small tear trickled out of Discord’s ducts and down to the grass below which was slowly liquefying into a green goo. “It’s beautiful.”

-ooo-

“HEY! YOU OLD DINGBAT!” Sunset screamed at the pile of scrolls and paper. “You surrender?! From here it doesn’t look like you have much dignity left!”

A muffled shout came out from the pile. “You’ve only succeeded in giving me a Fortress of Knowledge, whelp!”

An icepick smile appeared on Sunset’s face as her head tilted upwards with her lips. “Have it your way!” she said as her horn began to burn crimson.

A burnt orange wing gently pressed on Sunset’s shoulder. “Perhaps you should take a raincheck for now,” suggested Flash Magnus.

Tiny drips of water began to fall into the study causing Twilight to let out a frustrated “Ugh!” as she put up a shield around the room.

“On account of the rain,” Flash Magnus added.

“I’ll get the building repair spell,” Sunburst said as he trotted up to a wall of books and began scanning them.

Sunset turned, irritation clearly written across her face as her magical energy slowly ebbed, though something else caught her eyes. “Hey, Dash! What’s up with the helmet?”

“Oh this?” Rainbow Dash replied as she tapped at the steel helmet with the red plume atop her head. “It’s Flash’s. I put it on because we were doing it.”

“Uh… I see…”

“Like, a bunch-a times!” Rainbow Dash added.

“Verily!” Flash Magnus chirped enthusiastically as she pulled Rainbow Dash into a hug.

“It was AWE-SOME!” the pegasus added.

“Verily!”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “If you two did it, why is Flash still wearing the rest of the armor?”

Flash Magnus let out a boisterous laugh. “Why, she insisted I keep it on, of course!”

Rainbow Dash gave Sunset a slightly embarrassed smile and shrugged her wings.

“Right, of course,” Sunset turned back to the paper and scroll pile as Twilight, Starlight, and Sunburst set about repairing the damaged castle. “Now if you all excuse me, I have a wizard to bake…” She said as shards of crystalline castle floated back into place.

“Now let’s not be hasty!” Flash Magnus said.

“Denied!” Sunset said. “I thrive on being hasty!”

“How about a truce?” Rockhoof suggested as the massive pony waded through the paper piles.

Sunset turned, her eyes narrowing. “That would suggest some level of willing to be civil with that old bastard, so, no… No, I don’t think so.”

Rockhoof frowned slightly. “A ceasefire, then?”

With a terse glare, a quick flare of scarlet magic from her horn, and a ‘fwoosh!’ the heap of displaced scrolls caught fire and there was an alarmed yelp from the pony inside before Star Swirl burst forth from the pile, sending burning scrolls and newspapers in every which direction. “The Fortress of Knowledge is compromised! The Fortress of Knowledge is compromised!” He quickly ran from the study, Sunburst seemingly the only one not too busy and who either cared enough or was sober enough to follow him with intent to help.

Spike smiled contently to himself. “Man, I made a gooood decision today.”

“Hah!” Starlight exclaimed as the electric blue glow from her horn faded. “Look at ‘em run!”

“Sunset!” Twilight chastised urgently as the magenta glow of her own horn faded away.

Sunset rolled her eyes. “What? It’s not like I set him on fire! Though, it was very tempting.”

“Yes, that,” Rockhoof said as he pointed towards the scroll fire. “I think it’s best we have less of that!”

“I DISAGREE!” Sunset shouted as Twilight glared at the building flames, a white spray of fire-retardant chemical ejecting from a small magenta portal she summoned directly over the fire.

Twilight turned. “Sunset, please!” she pleaded. “You’re kinda impeding an attempt to save Equestria from a major threat.”

“Am I though~?” Sunset warbled out.

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “Yes, you, are!”

“Am I, though~?” Sunset asked again, raising the pitch of her voice.

“You know, I don’t think she is,” Spike said.

Twilight groaned. “Spike, Sunset, Starlight, everypony! I’m sure you all mean well, but I’m going to ask you leave Star Swirl alone so we can figure out what we need to do to deal with the Pony of Shadows!”

Sunset shrugged, “Have you considered a trail of angry ‘mad at your dad’ records that lead into some deep dark cave and a record player? Maybe a healthy supply of spicy food?”

Spike let out a laugh. “I like this plan!”

“Me, too!” Starlight said

Twilight rolled her eyes. “I mean a permanent solution!”

Sunset smiled. “Maybe he’ll be so consumed by the darkness of the cave and sad music he’ll decide he likes it and stay there forever!” Her smile widened. We can just, you know… Put up a sign that warns ponies to keep away!”

Twilight frowned heavily. “I see what you’re doing Sunset, and I don’t approve!”

“Don’t you, though~?”

“Stop that!” Twilight barked.

Spike smirked. “You gotta admit, she has Star Swirl’s number…”

“Uh… What is she doing, exactly?” Starlight asked as she looked between the two ponies and one dragon quizzically.

Sunset gave Twilight a smug smile. “If you don’t tell her, I will.”

Twilight sighed. “Star Swirl may have stumbled upon where Chrysalis originated from. I mean… Apparently the Changelings were sealed in a tree of twisted, putrid evil and he put up a warning for ponies.”

Starlight’s forehead creased in confusion. “What like magical barrier or alarm?”

“Hah! No,” Sunset said. “It was just a sign.”

“Like a magical sign?” Starlight replied, clearly having trouble believing the tale.

“No!” Spike insisted as he stifled a sigh. “It was just a regular sign that read”— Spike waved his claw in front of his if simulating where the words would be –“‘Probably Magic… Do Not Approach!’ Hehehe…. then an abbreviation of his name! Hahahaha!”

Likewise amused by the anecdote, Sunset joined Spike uproarious laughter as the pair hit the floor.

Starlight looked down at the pair, then the doors Star Swirl had left as she mulled over this new bit of information. “You know, if I hadn’t have met Star Swirl, I don’t think I would have believed it, but now…”

Twilight looked down at Spike and Sunset in annoyance, Sunset in particular. “Sunset, I wouldn’t have told you about that story if I knew you were going to use it like this.”

Sunset stifled her laughter and got back to her hooves. “Oh, like it would have made a difference…” she extended a forehoof and helped Spike back up to his feet. “Spike would have mentioned it eventually given Star Swirl is back.”

“I totally would, too!” Spike agreed.

“Well considering the source is Chrysalis herself, it’d hardly call it trustworthy.” Twilight pointed out.

Sunset shrugged. “Sounds more plausible than the story of how he defeated the Dazzlings, at least.”

Twilight gave Sunset a sideways smirk. “You mean that crazy story about the singing competition and rap battle that Sonata Dusk relayed to you?” Twilight shook her head. “That can’t possibly be real.”

Sunset thought about this for a moment. “Uh, hey… Rockhoof, right?”

The mountain of a pony responded, “Aye?”

“You ever fight any sirens? You know… giant flying sea ponies?”

“Ah, the hippocampi? Aye we did, they were the foes that brought us together!”

Sunset frowned. “Did Star Swirl try to defeat them with the power of music? You know… Maybe break out a lute or a banjo? Even show off his rhyming skills with, uh… technology unheard of the time?”

“What?! Nay!” Rockhoof answered. “That just sounds like madness!”

Twilight smirked at Sunset.

“Oh right, yeah…” Sunset admitted as she rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. “Truth be told it sounded stupider just leaving my lips…”

Twilight shook her head. “Can’t believe you’d even humor such a crazy story from Sonata.”

“Okay!” Sunset threw her forehooves up in the air. “So maybe I wanted such a ridiculous story to be right, can you blame me?!”

Twilight tilted her head slightly. “Don’t you think that suggests there might be some personal bias in regards to how you feel about Star Swirl?”

“Yes, Twilight,” Sunset said as she narrowed her eyes. “I personally feel enraged regarding how he treated my Mom when she was just a filly.” Sunset’s tone began to pick up in both volume and anger as she continued. “I personally feel enraged his solution to the Dazzlings was to dump them on some other world where he maybe thought they’d be ‘less of a problem’ if he thought at all. I personally feel enraged for how he’s treated my friends today, including you! Shall I continue, Twilight?!”

“Okay, okay!” Twilight said as she reared back on her haunches and held up her forehooves up defensively. “I’ll admit that you have several perfectly valid reasons for being upset with Star Swirl! Just… don’t kill him and keep your maiming to a minimum if you must at all, please! We need him if we’re going to do something about the Pony of Shadows.” Twilight sighed heavily. “Because it’s not like most of my friends are being all that helpful…” she muttered in an irritated tone.

“Yeah, or allowed to help!” Sunset quipped as she pointed towards Starlight, to the unicorns great approval. “The only reason Star Swirl is being put up with at all is because the PoS doesn’t have a body count unless playing Drowning Pool at at a loud volume counts!”

Twilight closed her eyes, inhaled deeply through her nose, and let out the breath the same way. “Sorry, Sunset, but I really need you to give Star Swirl some space.”

“Fine…” Sunset growled out. “But only if he keeps his distance from me too and, you know, lays off on the spells designed to vaporize me!”

Twilight rubbed the back of her head. “Okay, he may have taken it a little far.”

“A LITTLE?!” Sunset bellowed. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out as a snort. She pointed out into an unoccupied portion of the room. “If anyone needs me, I’m going to be rage pacing over there until I’ve calmed down enough to engage in conversation!”

With that, Sunset stormed off.

Groaning herself, Twilight trotted over to a collection of books on a table and began pouring over them, her vision focusing on one.

With Sunset off pacing back and forth and Twilight back to working, the other ponies present looked about the two alicorns and seemingly thought of what to do next.

Applejack looked about the collection of mares, stallions, and small dragon. “Ya think someone should say something?”

Rockhoof looked down at Applejack. “You are the Element of Honesty, are you not? Perhaps your honest observation of the matter will help soothe tensions.”

“Oh, good idea!” Applejack trotted up to Twilight. “Twilight?” she called out.

“Yes, Applejack?” Twilight replied, turning.

“Ah can honestly say that Star Swirl the bearded is the worst pony I have ever known and that, as your friend, Ah both love and support you, but Ah can’t even fathom why you think helping that ol’ coot with this is a good idea.”

Twilight sighed. “Look, I understand it can be hard to see, but Star Swirl—”

“Ah mean, from my perspective this is the worst decision you’ve ever made… Like… Worse than that whole hoopla with the want-it-need it, spell.”

Twilight’s face contorted into an angry frown as she turned and swatted at the air behind her dismissively with a forehoof. “Gee, thanks. Can you leave me alone for a bit? I’ve got work to do.”

“I reckon I can…” Applejack said as she turned and trotted back to the group. “It’s no good!” She shook her head. “She’s jus’ not listening to reason right now.”

“Hmmm…” Rockhoof thought about this for a moment. “Best not tell Star Swirl that. It’d only lend credence his current opinion of the mare.”

“Ugh, yeah… Buck that noise,” Applejack said.

Flash Magnus looked at the female companion his wing was wrapped around. “Aren’t you the Element of Loyalty?!” He asked Rainbow Dash. “Doesn’t that dictate you should at least support your friend’s decision to work with Star Swirl?”

“Uh, no?” Rainbow Dash fired back. “I mean, I love Twilight, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to encourage her to put up with that loudmouth! I think that would make me a worse friend.”

Flash Magnus frowned. “Certainly, you should try helping her somehow?”

Rainbow Dash pursed her lips into a frown. “Yo, Twilight!” she shouted out.

“Kinda busy here, Rainbow!” Twilight called back.

“Star Swirl sucks,” Rainbow Dash said, “you should stop being an idiot and stop listening to him!”

Twilight replied with an annoyed sigh. “Thanks, Rainbow Dash,” she said sarcastically.

“No problem!” She turned back to Flash Magnus. “There! Now nopony can say I didn’t try!”

Flash Magnus seemed to consider this for a moment, shrugged, and replied with an “Indeed!”

“Perhaps a different approach?” Somnambula suggested as she motioned with her head towards Sunset.

“Er…. Sunset looks pretty, er… peeved…” Fluttershy said,

Pinkie gasped. “Such language, Fluttershy!”

Meadowbrook nodded. “Oh, she’s pissed alright,” she said in a gentle tone.

Pinkie and Fluttershy both froze in place, there eyes staring at Meadowbrook in surprise.

Meadowbrook continued, “but perhaps Ah can help soothe her anger!”

“Good luck, Sister!” Somnambula cheered. “I shall join you momentarily.” She looked down. “Just as soon as I feel I can get there without having to crawl across these scrolls.”

Meadowbrook trotted up to Sunset and cleared her throat, earning a glare which softened once Sunset noted who had approached her. “Forgive him,” Meadowbrook said.

“No, never,” Sunset replied bluntly.

Meadowbrook’s gentle smile only increased. “Look, Ah know that Star Swirl is an insufferable braggart,” she said as Star Swirl marched back into the room in a huff, Sunburst close behind him.

Sunset followed the old wizard with her eyes, saying nothing as she noted Star Swirl only glanced up once to take note of her position then refused to make eye contact with her. “…”

Meadowbrook merely stood in place, saying nothing but only smiling. “…”

Sunset’s infuriated eyes snapped back towards Meadowbrook. “…Yes?! And?!”

“Oh… er…!” Meadowbrook shook her head. “Apologies, Ah, um… Ah have no follow-up.”

Sunset’s face contorted in frustrated confusion. “So, you request that I should forgive him is based on…?”

Meadowbrook glanced upwards into her eyelids as if searching for an answer. “Uh, Fluttershy, my friend? Do you have an ans—”

“No,” Fluttershy interrupted bluntly as she trotted up. “Star Swirl is horrible and I refuse to spend energy that suggests otherwise.”

Meadowbrook frowned. “Aww… But are you not the Element of Kindness?”

Fluttershy’s face tightened. “That doesn’t mean every pony is deserving of that kindness!” Her teal eyes drifting up to the left seemingly causing her head to tilt to the right. “I mean, er… Maybe that’s also an important aspect of kindness? Sometimes you have to know when to stop being kind and be firm instead. It’s tricky though, because if you’re too firm you just end up being mean... But sometimes you have to be mean, too...”

Her gaze turned back to Sunset, and she gave her a little shrug “I think Applejack’s right regarding our elements… and also, er, maybe I’m getting some new magical powers too from this realization?”

Sunset let out a chuckle. “If only. Digging this more assertive you, by the way.”

“STOP TOUCHING THOSE BOOKS! I DID NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO PLACE YOUR FILTHY MARE HOOVES AND MAGIC ON THEM!”

The group glanced over to see Star Swirl, once again, berating a shirking Twilight.

Fluttershy turned towards Sunset. “I have a good reason today.”

Meadowbrook frown slightly. “Er… Certainly you’ve had to look past some pony’s shortcomings before?”

“Yes, Discord,” Fluttershy answered.

Meadowbrook took a second to collect her jaw from the floor. “You can’t mean the Lord of Chaos!”

Fluttershy nodded. “Yes. That’s him.”

Meadowbrook glanced at Star Swirl as he loudly and foully detailed to Twilight which books she was allowed and not allowed to touch without consulting him first, then back towards Fluttershy. “If you can find the good in a beast like Discord, certainly you can find it in noble pony like Star Swirl.”

As Fluttershy put on a thoughtful expression, Sunset gave her a curious glance as if she was eagerly awaiting to hear the mare’s response. She didn’t have to wait long. “Discord’s problem is that he didn’t really think about ponies other than himself. Star Swirl seems to only be able to think about himself!”

Meadowbrook gasped. “But Star Swirl has saved many a pony!” she countered. “Discord is a trickster who could bring Equestria to ruin!”

“Ooo! Ooo!” Pinkie exclaimed. “And he’s almost done it! Like, three times now!” Pinkie cheered as pronked up to the group, Somnambula cheerily following as she swam across the scroll and paper laden floor with both legs and wings.

“Not helping, Pinkie,” Sunset uttered in a slightly annoyed tone.

“Oh, it’s fine,” Fluttershy said. “I know Discord has done bad stuff and that he’s still not the greatest friend in the world, but at least there was always an element of whimsy to what he was doing when he wasn’t attacking us directly…”

Pinkie nodded her head up and down. “Discord’s shenanigans are cheeky and fun!”

Fluttershy nodded. “Yeah, and Star Swirl’s shenanigans are cruel and tragic.”

Sunset tapped at her chin for a moment. “Which… makes them not shenanigans at all, really.”

Somnambula laughed to herself as she stood up. “Evil shenanigans!”

Meadowbrook flashed a beseeching smile at Somnambula. “Somnambula, perhaps you can find something nice to say about Star Swirl for our new friends.”

Somnambula glanced over at the wizard in question, who was now bobbing so angrily as he dressed down Twilight for the horrible crime of ‘book touching’ that the sound of jangling bells had joined the shouting. “I find the sound his bells make appealing and enjoy his sense of fashion, albeit in a somewhat disingenuous way.”

“Er, ironic?” Fluttershy suggested. “If Rarity were here she’d say the way you like Star Swirl’s fashion is just a little bit ironic.” She turned towards Pinkie. “Don’t you think?”

Pinkie smiled widely. “Just a little too ironic, and yeah I really do think!”

Meadowbrook’s eyelids dropped slightly. “Ah meant beyond the clothes he likes to wear…”

“Hrmmm,” Somnambula dwelt on this for a moment. “Oh! I find he’s easy to get a rise out of him and in addition to the near constant stupor I find myself in when dealing with the old coot, that makes life with him somewhat more tolerable.”

Meadowbrook motioned to Somnambula with both forelegs with a genuine smile that made a ‘squee’; sound as if the mare had, in fact, mentioned a positive aspect of Star Swirl’s personality.

Sunset and Fluttershy exchanged confused glances. Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Do you… Do you actually think that sounds like a redeeming quality of Star Swirl?”

Meadowbrook frowned slightly. “In my defense, Ah’m quite drunk!”

Somnambula laughed. “Indeed, she is! Watch this!” Somnambula gently pushed Meadowbrook on the side and the earth pony immediately teetered sideways and let out a startled bleat, much to Somnambula’s delight and the other three ponies concern.

“Ah’m fine!” Meadowbrook insisted throwing a foreleg up into the air. “Ah think I’ll just lay down here a bit!”

Pinkie looked at the other mares present and shrugged. “I thought the bell thing was a good point…” Her face tightened. “Just not enough to justify all the mean-big-meanie jerk-assy-McGee Star Swirl is!” Pinkie motioned out towards Star Swirl who trotted away in a huff from Twilight, a collection of books in the white glow of his magic. Twilight stared down at the single book she had in front of her, clearly trying to concentrate on it through the tears in her eyes.

Somnambula looked over at Twilight, noting the mare was in low spirits. She turned towards Pinkie. “You are the element of laughter correct? Perhaps you can cheer up your friend! Make light of Star Swirl’s form of dress and comically large beard, perhaps!”

Pinkie blinked at Somnambula in confusion for a moment. “You want me to make fun of Star Swirl’s looks as a way to make up for the fact that he yells at her and constantly puts her down?”

Somnambula smiled and nodded. “Such reminders always make me feel better after he’s yelled at me.”

“Wow, okay… Er…” Pinkie shook her head and offered Somnambula a sheepish smile. “Somehow I don’t think that’s going to make Twilight feel better… Plus, like… I think that kinda trivializes just how horrible Star Swirl is?” Pinkie shrugged. “Really, if anything will make Twilight feel better it’s this… Hey, Twilight!” Pinkie called out.

Twilight sniffled and rubbed a foreleg under her muzzle before turning. “Yes, Pinkie?”

“Star Swirl is a big wrinkly stick of grade ‘jerk’ jerky and you’ll feel better once you come to your senses and stop listening to him!”

Twilight’s face tightened. “Thanks, Pinkie…” she said in a clearly annoyed voice before she went back to staring at her book.

Pinkie shrugged and turned back to the group. “Well, it was worth a shot!”

Fluttershy placed a forehoof on Pinkie’s shoulder. “Let me go talk to her,” she said before she quietly trotted up to Twilight. “Uh… Twilight?”

Twilight took a deep breath and let it out. “Yes, Fluttershy?”

“You know we all love and care about you, right?”

Twilight took another deep breath and exhaled, seeming to relax somewhat. “Yes, Fluttershy, I know. I know everypony means well.”

Fluttershy nodded. “Good, then know that it’s with love and care in my heart when I say that Star Swirl really is just a mean ol’ pony who bullies others to feel better about himself.”

Twilight pursed her lips slightly. “Well… he is one of Equestria’s most powerful wizards to have ever lived. I mean, he at least knows what he’s talking about when it comes to magic.”

Fluttershy smiled. “Okay, but that doesn’t mean he’s right about things other than magic.”

Twilight let out a sigh. “Yeah, I know…”

Fluttershy’s smiled widened as she put a comforting forehoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “You’re a wonderful pony, Twilight.”

Twilight gave Fluttershy a small smile. “Thanks, Fluttershy. That does make me feel better.”

Fluttershy nodded. “And even wonderful ponies can make dumb mistakes from time to time like listening to mean ol’ bully ponies.”

The smile suddenly fell from Twilight’s face, replaced by a tightness in her lips as well as her forehead. “Thanks, again, Fluttershy.”

“You’re welcome, Twilight,” Fluttershy said with a wide ‘squee’ of a smile.

Twilight turned back to her book. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I really have more work to do.”

Fluttershy frowned and retracted her forehoof. “Oh… okay…” she said in a disappointed tone as she trudged back to the other ponies.

“Well?!” Pinkie asked expectedly.

Fluttershy shook her head. “I thought I was getting through to her, but she just sort of retreated back to her book right at the end!”

Sunset grunted in annoyance. “Well, I still got a head full of insane anger steem going, so we’re going to need—”

Mistmane and Rarity suddenly stumbled into the room, nearly both careening to the floor, forelegs draped across the other’s shoulders as the stumbled on rolled up papers.

“Star Swirl, friend!” Mistmane called out.

“I DESPISE YOU WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING, YOU MISERABLE OLD HAG!”

“Good news!” Mistmane continued as if she had not just been insulted. “This one can make you new hats and capes!”

Rarity tittered. “Indeed! I was thinking a new line of fashion! Something a la homeless! Really bring forth the look of refusefor garbage ponies like yourself!”

Fluttershy thought about this for a moment. “But… but didn’t the fashion designer Mugatu already do that?”

Rarity laughed. “Yes, but Derelicte is so much rubbish!”

“It is literally trash that you wear, Rarity,” Fluttershy pointed out.

Mistmare and Rarity stumbled up to Star Swirl. “My new line would be Hobo Très Chic! Really capturing the glamor of covering oneself in refuse and soiled blankets!”

“Ugh! Get this one out of my sight!” Star Swirl demanded. “She smells like a winery! Just like my useless pillars!”

Rarity glared at Star Swirl. “Well, you, sssir… You smell like… like goat…”

“Cease your prattling on about my goat less I banish you to the coldest corner of Tartarus with the giant toothed fur beast!”

“Oh, interesting!” Sunburst said. “How many teeth does that creature have?”

Star Swirl looked at Sunburst in slight confusion. “Just the one, lad, though aside from it’s fur, that’s its entire body.”

“Oh, how fascinating,” Sunburst said in earnest.

“Oh YEASSh, Mr. Sswirlss!” Rarity continued. “When my friend Twilight finally ssstarrtsss to be sssenssible oncesss more”—

Twilight let out an exasperated sigh.

— “Well, you can just choke on your own goat bea—”

“Uh, Rarity?” Spike said as he walked up to the clearly white-mare wasted unicorn and placed a hand on her side. “Maybe you should lay down for a bit…”

Rarity gasped. “Ssspike, how incredibly forward and bold of you!”

“Uh… What? No! I mean, just meant—”

Rarity leaned down and cupped her hoof to her muzzle next to Spike’s ear and whispered out in a sultry voice: “I like it…” as an azure glow of her horn moved Spike’s claw onto her chest.

Spike emerald eyes suddenly shot open wide as the Rarity’s magic forced his claw in a circular petting motion. “Uh… huh?”

Rarity tittered. “Perhaps it’s time I learn more of this demipenis you possess.”

Twilight’s eye ticked in irritation at this suggestion. “Hey, just a minute here!”

Spike shot Twilight a shocked, pleading look. “Twilight, if I could ask you to be not be responsible regarding me just once—”

“Hemipenis,” Twilight corrected. “Spike has a hemipenis or technically hemipenes.”She shook her head. “‘Demi’ means ‘half’ and that’s not correct at all. It’s more like Spike has four times as much penis as that.”

Spike’s face contorted in confusion. “… That is the weirdest semi or demi compliment I’ve ever gotten.”

“Well whatever he has, darling!” Rarity leaned her head on Spike’s shoulder as she looked at Twilight. “I hear he has two of them!”

“Yes, that’s what hemipenes, means,” Twilight replied dryly.

Rarity giggled. “Well, whatever… I wanna ssseee them!” Rarity’s voice dropped to a not particularly great attempt at a whisper. “And do thingss to them!” Rarity tittered, “Oh, my! Doess that ssound unladylike?”

“Guys?” Spike called out. “For the record, I’m clenching my thighs together as hard as I possibly can and have some very pertinent questions about consent.”

Rarity gasped and pulled back from. “You’re right Sspike!”

“Uh… Am I?” Spike asked. “You know, I think I’m okay with being wrong just this once!”

“We sshall conssult the wissesst pony here!”

“I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU DO TO THAT MONSTROSITY OR WHAT IT DOES TO YOU!” Screamed Star Swirl. “JUST BEGONE FROM THIS ROOM LEST I MAKE YOU BEGONE FROM THIS WORLD!”

“Not you!” Rarity exclaimed. Rarity turned to her right, finding only open space, then turned to her left. “Misstmane! The wissesst pony to have every lived! Misstmane, darling, dearisst!”

“Oh yess, Rarity?” Mistmane replied with bright if somewhat unfocused eyes.

“I’m conssidering bedding down with my good friend Sspike here? What say you.”

Starlight winced. “Ouch, Spike that—”

“That was a confusing sentence for me, yeah!” Spike said hastily. “Still a ‘net positive’ as far as I’m concerned.”

“I ssee… Rarity, may I have a moment.” Mistmane made a quick motion with her head to suggest Rarity and her trot away for a moment.

Rarity’s eyes focused slightly and her mouth pursed in concern. “Uh, of course, darling…”

Spike grit his teeth as frustration did a merry little jig across his face.

Mistmane lowered her head and spoke in a tone not nearly quiet enough to prevent anypony else from listening in. “Now bedding down with a creature not of your sspecies iss not a decission to be made lightly.”

“Er, of course, dear…”

“Rarity, how well do you know Sspike?”

“Oh, well he’s one of my closest friends!” Rarity frowned. “Do you think I was a tad hasty in my suggestion?”

“That remainss to be sseen… So you trusst him, then?”

“Well, with my life!” Rarity said. “In fact, he’s saved me on more than a single occasion.”

Mistmare nodded. “That is a fact worth considering. Again, bedding down with any creature not of your ilk, is not a decission one should blunder into.”

“I… I think I understand,” Rarity said. “Perhaps just a bit of rest and—”

“Now that you understand that,” Mistmare said, “by all means, take Sspike into some far off private room and let him rock your world and your limited pony perceptionss of ssexuality.”

“Hah!” Flash Magnus exclaimed, shaking his head. “As if the outcome of that conversation was ever in doubt!”

“Oh my…” Fluttershy uttered as Starlight and Sunburst’s cheeks flushed crimson. Such sentiment was echoed from Meadowbrook, but it was punctuated with a giggle.

“Whoo! Go Spike!” Pinkie cheered.

“Yeah!” Rainbow Dash likewise cheered, thrusting a forehoof in the air. “Pop that… those cherries!”

Applejack simply boggled vacantly at the shenanigans unfolding in front of her. “Ah’m unsure what to do, if anythin’ ‘bout the thing Ah’m seeing.”

Rockhoof offered Applejack a bunch of grapes. “Eat, drink, and be merry?”

Applejack quickly accepted the bunch. “Aye,” she answered simply.

Sunset said nothing, instead opting to observe the events with curious interest.

“Can you guys just take it somewhere else, please?” Twilight asked. “I’m trying to concentrate here!” she growled out.

“Erm.. Well…” Rarity said, her azure eyes darting one way than the other. “I suppose now I’m a tad on the fence regarding—”

Mistmare lowered her muzzle down to one of Rarity’s ears. “Hemipenes…” she whispered. Rarity’s eyes widened as Mistmane continued. “And dragons have a tongue length that can be measured in cubits.”

Rarity’s mind raced for all of a few seconds before she warbled out a “ SssspiIiIiIIiIikeEeeEeEeEe-WiIiIikEeEeEeEe…”

With a demigod-level of effort Spike’s emerald eyes scanned the room, falling upon a certain burnt-orange alicorn. “Uh, Sunset?”

“Wow. Flattered. But I’m not that curious!”

“Huh… Oh… er… No… Just, you seem to be the only pony here not completely smashed out of their gourd, disinterested, or completely out of touch with reality.”

“WHY IS THE DEMON SPAWN AND STRUMPET STILL HERE?!” Screamed Star Swirl.

“See?” Spike said as he motioned to Star Swirl.

Her cheeks slightly pink, Sunset nodded. “Got it. What do you need?”

“Moral advice.”

“My track record there is dubious at best,” Sunset replied. “Shoot.”

“Er… Should I take Rarity to her guest room and take her in a dragonly fashion—”

“Yess. Yess you sshould,” both Rarity and Mistmane said an eerie drunken stereo.

Spike closed his eyes inhaled deeply, and continued, “—or should I be some sort of bigger dragon about this and not take advantage of an obviously sloshed mare?”

“No. No you sshouldn’t,” both Rarity and Mistmare answered.

Sunset pursed her lips into a tight frown. “Uh… wow…” She trotted forward. “Spike, I’m not altogether comfortable with potentially being your double-cock blocker, regardless of if it’s the right thing to do, or not.”

“C’mon!” Spike pleaded. “I’m really need a shoulder angel here! Shoulder demon Spike kinda ate shoulder angel Spike whole and is now some sort of four-winged monstrosity that’s just laughing and laughing along to ominous orchestra music.”

Pinkie trotted up to Sunset and whispered into her ear, “It’s really terrifying-looking and the music is super-spooky!”

Spike glanced up at Pinkie. “I’d question how you can see him too, but well… You’re Pinkie Pie.”

“Yes, totally!” Pinkie said with a nod. “Totally the Pinkie from Equestria as well and not the one from Canterlot High!” she added with an incredibly wide, lopsided smile.

“Just… All the worry… All of it,” Sunset said as she lifted a forehoof and waved it in a circular motion in front of her face. “All the worry located in this general area right now.”

“C’mone, Sunset!” Spike pleaded, cupping his claws together. “I need your help! The pressure is getting critical in between my legs and it’s not like I’m wearing anything that’ll prevent everypony from being coated in my Spike Special Blend!”

Sunset’s features tightened and Pinkie let out a giggle. “Wow, okay…” Sunset said. “Just going to power on past that one…”

With a ‘poof’ on Sunset’s left shoulder and a startled “Ah!” from Pinkie as the mare backed up a scootch, a leathery winged, light-red bipedal creature with long, fiery hair that went straight up and solid turquoise pupils set in pitch black sclera wearing an alternating yellow and red dress with a black midsection smiled demonically. “Tell him to take her!” IT spoke in a vaguely echoing voice. “Take her hard! In all the holes!”

Her frown deepening, another bipedal creature ‘poofed’ into existence on Sunset’s right shoulder. This one was orange with Sunset’s same turquoise eyes and sported wings that looked to be crafted out of pure golden light and a single horn that sprung forth in pure bright light before ending in a point about a half meter from her forehead. She wore a pink dress with an off-white-blue skirt layered above a white one that went halfway down her thighs. “No. Tell the boy he should abstain at least until the mare has shaken off the sophomoric effects of alcohol and comes to her senses!”

“Oooh sploosh,” Demon Set warbled as she pointed toward Spikes' shoulders, “check out the multi-winged eye candy.”

Angel Set glance toward the ominous music and cackling. No words came out, but there was an odd purr, and an awful lot of drool.

Both shoulder entities turned to face Sunset. “Do you have his number?” they asked in unison.

Sunset grit her teeth. You two are no help at all. If I needed a binary representation to a somewhat complex issue, I’d have actually asked you two. But since I DIDN’T… “Don’t worry.” Sunset said. “I have a cheat mode solution that will wrap up this otherwise multifaceted and frustrating social issue in a jiffy.” Sunset trotted up to Rarity. “Hey, Rarity. I’m going to go all Catholic Priest blessing on your forehead.”

“I have no idea what that means, dear,” Rarity replied.

“It means I’m going to put my forehoof on your forehead and a buncha magic stuff is going to go down. You okay with that?”

“Oh… Uh… Go ahead, darling.”

Sunset pressed her forehoof against Rarity’s forehead and immediately she was bombarded by a flash of images, the vast, vast majority of them involving Rarity in a number of compromising positions as the white mare let out numerous moans of pleasure.

Sunset retracted her forehoof. “Oh… Oh my…” Sunset uttered.

“Er… Yes, darling?” Rarity replied.

“Yes, Sunset?” Spike said, with a rather obvious degree of enthusiasm.

“Just a second…” Sunset’s horn glowed scarlet once more and a strange, similarly color haze danced about Rarity’s head for a second. Suddenly, her azure eyes snapped into focus, looking at Spike like a starving mare might look at at a delectable meal of greens and flowers that were covered in oats in a tasty red-wine based balsamic vinaigrette.

“Uh. Is she okay?” Spike asked.

“Fine!” Sunset said with a smile. “I just cleared out the alcohol from her system so this whole torrid affair is far less uncomfortable for everypony.” Sunset looked over Rarity and Spike in turn. “You two go have fun! Just, get whatever it is you need to get out of your system out of you… And consider your lingering concerns solved via convenient magic and mind reading powers! Just go nuts! But do it somewhere else.”

Spike’s face lit up like it had never lit up before. “Thanks, Sunse—”

“Thank you, Sunset!” Rarity said quickly as Spike was suddenly taken up in an azure blue glow and the dragon whisked out of the room as Rarity bolted out of the room.

Mistmare shook her head and chuckled to herself. “That poor mare…”

A series of concerned looks jolted onto many of the ponies present.

“If ya thought that was a bad idea why’d you let Rarity go?!” Applejack asked.

“Oh, no that’ss not it…” Mistmare replied, shaking her head, “It’ss a great idea! Buttt that dragon iss going to ruin her for other creaturess… Few if any can compare with the natural advantagess dragon’ss possssess when it comes to pleassing poniess.”

A slightly uncomfortable silence descended upon the group for a moment.

“I’m sickened, but curious,” Sunset’s ‘demon’ professed.

Sunset’s ‘angel’ nodded. “I, too, would like to voice my disgust but also my curiosity.”

“… Touch her!” The demon suggested with a demonic smile.

With an angelic calmness, the angel nodded. “I concur. Take her most unclean thoughts into yourself and see where the journey takes you!”

Pinkie snickered to herself, her eyes clearly focused on Sunset’s supposedly ‘imaginary friends’.

Sunset shook her head as if to clear it and took a few cautionary steps closer towards Mistmane. “Uh, hey… Do you mind if I…?” Sunset extended a forehoof as if that finished the question she was asking.

Mistmane only chuckled and extended her own forehoof. “Oh, go ahead!”

Sunset pressed her own forehoof against Mistmane’s, a flash of almost incomprehensible images and emotions washing over her all condensed to a singular feeling. “Oh… Oh my…”

Mistmane simple chuckled to herself. “Aye?”

“Aye,” Sunset confirmed. She looked amongst the other ponies about her. “Uh, right… I need to go… somewhere… Far, far away from here… No one kill Star Swirl while I’m gone, a’ight?”

“No promises!” Starlight exclaimed.

“Fair,” Sunset replied. “Uh… be back soon,” she replied as her eyes darted back and forth a couple times before she made a mad dash out of the room.

A dull gray-blue door with a single window set in its top center suddenly was slammed open as Sunset Shimmer popped her perspiring face into a classroom, her hair clearly a bit more tousled than usual.

A pink skinned woman with two-tone mulberry-lilac hair jumped, nearly dropping the large text book she held in front of her brown sweater-vest over a white blouse. “Sunset!? What’s wrong?!”

“Hey, Miss Cheerilee.” Sunset greeted. Her eyes scanned the classroom. “I need Flash! For, uh… Equestria reasons! Totally true by the way!”

A peach skinned young-man with blue hair coiffed straight up who wore a black leather jacket over a beat up white t-shirt perked up from his book with both interest in concerned.

“Uh… Sure?” Cheerilee responded. “How long is this going to take?”

Sunset’s eyes sprung upwards and rocked back and forth as if searching for an answer. “Uh… Flash is quick and thorough, but this might take multiple sessions.”

A series of surprised chuckles and hoots rose from the class

“… I have no earthly clue what that means,” Cheerilee admitted.

“That’s probably for the best!” Sunset said. “Can I have Flash now?”

“Well… If it’s for Equestria’s sake…”

“I’m sure it is!” Sunset said as she rushed forward and practically ripped Flash Sentry from his desk. Yanking him by the arm, Sunset pulled Flash out the door of the classroom as a gray skinned, wall-eyed blond girl flashed Flash a thumbs up. “Thank you!” Sunset shouted. “I totally respect your committal to teaching of whatever-this-class-is!”

“It’s history of US geography!” Cheerilee shouted out.

“I’m sure that’s relevant to someone who has the limited inspiration of becoming a teacher to teach the exact same subject,” Sunset called out.

“HAH!” a derisive laugh called out.

Cheerilee shot an ice glare out amongst her class, her gaze falling squarely on one, Aria Blaze.

“What?” Aria replied as she motioned towards the door Sunset had just exited from. “She’s right.”

“Why are you here!?” Cheerilee howled.

Her phone already in her hand as she absentmindedly swatted at the screen with an index finger, Aria shot the tiniest of glances back at Cheerilee. “Principal Celestia encourages anyone who looks like a teenager to stay.” Aria pursed her lips thoughtfully for a moment. “Though, I pull down six figures just to let people watch me own peeps at LoL,” Aria informed. She shrugged. “This whole ‘high school’ thing is sorta just a window into what maybe my age group is supposed to be into?” Aria shook her head. “I dunno… Your guess is as good as mine.”

Outside the class and down the hall, Flash attempted to get a word out but was interrupted by being roughly shoved against a locker, having a body nearly jumping on top of him, and experiencing a tongue stuck down the hole where words would normally come out of.

After about thirty seconds of frantic tongue dancing, Sunset retracted her mouth muscle. “Guy’s or girl’s?” Sunset exclaimed.

“Uh… What?!”

“I’m a hot mess of strange and bizarre sexual desires, but I’ll settle for something more conventional, except I don’t want to wait! So either you rip me off of you and run away screaming or give me the answer to the question ‘guy’s or girl's bathroom, where do you want to do it one or likely multiple times’?!” Sunset exclaimed. “Pick one!”

“Wow, uh… wow, geez… Girl’s?”

“Good choice!” Sunset said as she took Flash by the hand and dragged him into an unoccupied girls room before shoving him roughly into a stall.

Flash fell atop the toilet seat, the porcelain seat protesting with a few ceramic clanks at the rough treatment it was receiving. “Sunset, what—“

Sunset sat on Flash’s lap and reached down to his button and zipper, unbuttoning the former and zipping down the latter. “From this point on no talking …”