The Beard with a Jerk-Ass Hanging off of It

Star Swirl, through great application of his even greater knowledge and a heaping helping of Grogar’s goat goo, had done it again! Or rather, he would soon do what needed to be done to restore the glory of Equestria’s sun to the unworthy and unwashed ponies of the land. Yes, soon victory would be at… some sort of fictional appendage that rhymes with ‘land.’

Again, it was almost unbelievable at how this bearded master of magic could make the impossible conceivable. Why, who knew what these rubes would do without Star Swirl’s shrewd views being the glue that keeps the planet un-hewed? This magical gumshoe had accrued the knowledge to break through even the toughest of evil voodoo! Once again, it was him through which all evil would withdrew, and goodness once again renew! Only he had the know how to subdue all that was taboo!

All he asked in return was a ‘thank you’ and perhaps a few dozen statues.

So, without further ado, he would soon share his plan to make the unwelcome say ‘adieu’! For only he had the knowledge accrued to—

“Star Swirl?” a deep voice belonging to a giant, fat imbecile interrupted. “Perhaps you could stop your monologuing and share with us your brilliant plan!”

Star Swirl glared a wizardly scowl at the large, overweight moron that had dared to interrupt him! “Rockhoof, you massive, bloated fool! What have I told you about interrupting me when I’m in my rhymezone?!”

Rockhoof offered Star Swirl a small nod. “Apologies, but Sunset Shimmer implored you several times to stop otherwise she’d attack.”

“No…” Sunset hissed out angrily. “What I said was: ‘you changed tenses, and you should stop because we have things to do, so knock it off unless you want to be run through or turned into a barbeque!”

“Sunset…” Twilight uttered in a somewhat pleading tone.

“Bite me, Sparkles!” Sunset snapped back irritably. “The bearded idiot and I have unfinished business, and I’m only putting up with this dumpster fire of events because of the supposed world-ending being - or as I like to call it, ‘flavor of the week;’ you’re insisting he’s going to help us defeat!”

Twilight clamped her mouth shut as she looked worriedly at the other ponies and one dragon in the room. Everypony had apparently gotten most of whatever urges they needed taken care of out of their system, followed by a shower to wash off unwelcome - or in some cases overly welcome, fluids. Spike was particularly noteworthy in that regard, as Twilight had to magically apprehend the dragon and force him into a bath since he refused to wash after his sexcapades with Rarity.

This involved dodging fireballs.

Thankfully, Rarity eventually offered to help wash Spike…

Twilight had taken this as her queue to leave, pushing back the rather confusing and muddled moral quandary of “just how old IS Spike in pony terms” in favor of the potentially world-ending cataclysm and the solution that might cost the pillars once more… and also her house.

Despite that, the tempers of several members in the room had kept the atmosphere tense. Admittedly, Twilight herself running around and grabbing loads of books to pore over frantically probably didn’t help the mood.

Star Swirl’s bushy brows furrowed in frustration. “Wait, what other world-ending problems have beset this world?”

“Ooo! Ooo!” Pinkie piped up as she hopped up and down. “Discord tried to take over the world! But he got better!”

Rarity stared upwards and considered this statement for a moment. “I suppose that much is true, but to what degree of ‘better’ he is now is really a matter of opinion…”

Spike spoke up, “Chrysalis has tried to take over the world so many times it’s not even funny.”

Starlight snorted out a laugh. “Well, it’s a little bit funny.”

Star Swirl sneered. “Neither of these problems are foreign to me, but I must say how disappointed I am that you haven’t dealt with them permanently.”

Sunset narrowed her eyes at Star Swirl. “Well, the Sirens you so expertly banished just harassed another world for a century or more… In fact, they’re still doing it to a not-insignificant degree.” She let out a sad sigh. “And now whenever my crotch gets an itch I have a meltdown and consider getting it checked by the doctor.”

Mistmane chuckled and trotted over to Sunset, putting a comforting hoof on the orange alicorn’s shoulder. “Oh, I understand that feeling very well…”

Sunset smiled back. “I appreciate the sympathy, but might I say I’m glad I know you just washed that hoof?”

Mistmane nodded. “Yes, that’s understandable.”

“Er,” Sunburst tilted his head slightly, “Tirek came back once and nearly stole all Equestrian magic.”

“Whaaaat?!” Star Swirl exclaimed in disbelief. “How did that shrivelled old mummy—”

“Look who’s talking!” Sunset quickly quipped.

“—best Cerberus?!”

“Yeah, try ignoring me you old wind-bag! We’ll see how long you can keep THAT up!”

Star Swirl’s right eye began to twitch.

Fluttershy tittered to herself. “Oh no, the poor doggy got bored and wandered off.”

“Oh, I’m going to give that beast the tongue lashing of the century!” Star Swirl assured.

Sunset cringed. “Christ… could you imagine listening to him drone on and on with three sets of ears? No wonder Cerberus wandered off. He probably remembered the times when Star Swirl was still around, and just kind of meandered randomly in a fugue state of total dread.”

A series of chuckles made their way through the crowd of ponies and single dragon present.

Star Swirl cleared his throat. “We shall proceed as soon as all irrelevant ponies, and demonic monstrosities, leave the room!”

Receiving a somewhat pleading look from Twilight, Starlight and Spike sighed heavily and quietly left the room. Sunset Shimmer simply narrowed her eyes. “Yeah, try and make me, bitch!”

Star Swirl shot Sunset the tiniest of simmering glares before continuing, “Now that some of the rabble has cleared out.”

—“Yeah, that’s what I buckin’ THOUGHT!”— quipped Sunset.

Star Swirl clamped down on his teeth slightly and continued, “Through yet another glorious, and completely necessary sacrifice, of myself, the Pillars, and the Elements of Harmony, we will triumph over this evil Pony of Shadows.”

“Wait, what the actual fuck?!” Sunset and Rainbow Dash said in unison, both their eyes firing open wide in surprise.

Flash Magnus simply let out a sad sigh. “Well… it was fun while it lasted…” he lamented.

Sunset grunted in displeasure. “I’m too pissed off to touch that one. Somepony help me out!”

Pinkie grinned widely. “That’s what she said!” she shrilled.

“Thanks, Pinkie,” Sunset said.

Sunburst looked over at Sunset. “Oh, I guess you three weren’t in here when Star Swirl first mentioned his plan.”

“Obviously not!” Sunset exclaimed in an irritated tone. “Otherwise I’d have pointed out how bell-cape-and-hat-shittingly stupid it was!”

Pinkie’s face contorted in confusion. “Okay, a cape I can see, but how would somepony get crap on a hat?”

Sunset turned and stared directly at Star Swirl. “You just put it on a big pile of pony-shaped excrement!”

Star Swirl wordlessly glowered back at Sunset.

Sunset simply smirked back. “So, are you ready to admit defeat yet? I mean, you can pretend you still have dignity if you want, but believe me, I can keep this up for as long as it takes to break your sorry ass. Just ask Celestia.”

Twilight let out a heavy sigh. “Sunset, please! Let the pony speak.”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Yeah, sure… I have no doubt it’ll all be just as disappointing as him,” she replied dryly.

Star Swirl motioned dramatically in front of him. “Through archaic secrets too complex for you simple ponies to understand, the Pillars and I shall once again heroically sacrifice ourselves with the use of the Elements we created! Again, the Elements of Harmony will be consumed completely!”

“See?” Sunset added simply with a roll of her eyes.

Fluttershy tilted her head slightly. “Uh… that sounds like what you all told us earlier.”

“Yeah!” Applejack cried in a cross tone. “What was the point of being covered in yer goat’s mouth-hole mucus if you were jus’ gonna suggest the same plan you had before we went through your dark, swirling hole?!”

Rarity quickly raised a forehoof to her mouth as she muffled the sound of her own retching.

Sunset’s lips twisted into themselves. “You know, somedays I wonder if I’m missing out on a lot more adventures I’d like to go on by sticking on the human side of the portal… Not today.”

“Why, the answer is so obvious and simple, even a double-dimwitted farm-mare like yourself should be able to see it!”

Applejack glowered angrily at Star Swirl. “Can we put Sunset starting a Star Swirl bonfire to a vote?”

Sunset, along with pretty much every mare in the room, nodded their heads vigorously. There were even a few approving nods and wistful grins from Rockhoof and Flash Magnus.

“No!” Twilight said forcefully.

A series of disappointed sighs and moans escaped the group.

“Well,” Mage Meadowbrook began, “what insights did ya get from Grogar?”

“Hah!” Star Swirl said. “Why, it’s so obvious—”

“We WENT through this already!” Somnambula cried out angrily. “Just get on with it and tell us, you old coot!” She shook her head in annoyance. “Why does that stupid slime have sobering properties? I’m not drunk enough for any of this.”

“No sophomoric substances until I expose my great genius!”

“Ugh… again, pissed off,” Sunset said. “Someone want to take that one for me?”

“Oh, uh…” Fluttershy thought for a moment. “I’m sure it’s much… er… a lot smaller than he’s letting on…”

“Thanks, Fluttershy,” Sunset said with a grin.

Fluttershy gave Sunset a small smile.

“Hey!” Order’s deep muffled voice called out from the table. “Are you all making fun of the horrible old man up there?!” he added as the sound of tiny doggy feet running up tiny stairs was heard as the micro-dog appeared once more atop the table. “Without me?!” he said in a slightly hurt tone.

Sunset gave Order a slight nod. “‘Sup, Order. I see you’re already familiar with Equestria’s apparently short-term guest, as unwelcome as he’s making himself to be.”

“Sunny-buns Jr. What is up?” Order greeted in return.

“Star Swirl the Incompetent has a plan to get rid of the Pony of Shadows that involved destroying the Elements is what’s up.”

“What?! NO! I need those,” Order stressed. “Their magical powers are critical to the operation of what I do. The lightning bolt gives me electricity, the balloons give me gas to heat up the place, the diamonds give me water—for some reason—the butterflies are also my air conditioning, and the star thingy gives me wifi!”

Sunset raised an eyebrow in confusion. “Wifi?” With a scarlet glow of her horn, Sunset opened up her saddlebags and floated out a rectangular device that she held in front of her face. “Holy crud! I’ve got a signal! And bars!?” Frowning, Sunset raised a forehoof in front of her face. “But no fingers, unfortunately.”

Pinkie grinned widely. “Wifi, or Twifi!”

Sunset let out a groan. “I think I just died a little more inside…”

Applejack looked at Order in interest. “What does the apple do for ya?”

“Oh that? Uh…” Order gave Applejack a terse frown. “You know what? You can have that one. It just makes infinite apples, and I can raid Twilight’s fridge for leftovers.”

Applejack let out an annoyed snort. “Beginnin’ to think Rainbow Dash was right that knowin’ ‘bout ya brings no joy whatsoever…”

Pinkie let out a gasp. “So, that’s where all the tiny bits of Twilight’s leftovers keep disappearing to!”

Order looked over at Pinkie, “Well ‘ya make so much, I didn’t think you’d miss a few tiny-dog sized nibbles.”

Fluttershy suddenly it out a high-pitched squeal of delight and flung herself backward onto the ground.

Mage Meadowbrook and Mistmane hovered over the fallen pegasi. “Are you alright?” Mistmane asked.

“I’ll be fine,” Fluttershy assured as she stared up at the ceiling. “That just sounds soooo… adorable.”

Pinkie and Order resumed attention on each other. “Hey!” Pinkie said in a protesting tone. “When you need 5,000 calories a day to keep your stomach from collapsing and creating a massive pink hole that swallows everything around it, you get grumpy when food is missing!”

Sunset’s eyebrows knit together. “Could everypony stop saying the word ‘hole’ for a good long while? No good is coming out of it.” she glanced at Twilight. “Maybe we can try figuring out a plan that’s far less fecal intensive? I mean, Twilight, you’ve clearly been trying to do some research. Maybe you’ve come up with something?” Sunset asked in a hopeful tone.

Twilight shot Sunset a hopeful glance and floated a book over to the Table of Harmony and opened it to a page. “Well, I’m still reading but—”

“BAH!” Star Swirl bleated dismissively as he took the book in a white glow and quickly floated it away from Twilight. He floated another in its place as Twilight let out a sad whimper and Sunset shot Star Swirl a glare so heated that it was only a half-step away from hat-incineratingly hot.

“That book is far beyond your reasoning, whelp!” Star Swirl declared. “Not that it matters! Every moment we waste is a moment the Pony of Shadows uses to cast Equestria in eternal darkness!”

Sunset raised a forehoof to her forehead, a pained look on her face. “It really doesn’t sound like a big deal.”

“It’s not!” Order insisted. “I’ve been keeping tabs on Equestria with all my tiny spy gear.”

“Oh my gosh, that sounds so adorable!” Fluttershy uttered.

A collection of the ponies present cringed.

“Creepy is far more like it, dearest,” Rarity quipped.

Order continued, “A buncha cities are overcast unexpectedly, and a lot more ponies now know the words to Heleneigh…”

Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Is that like, some sort of dark song that steals the will and hope from ponies, or somethin’?”

Order’s face contorted in confusion. “No, it’s a…” He let out a quick sigh. “ALEXA,” Order bellowed. A blue ring of light circled the Table of Harmony once before Order continued, “turn the volume to 10!”

A deep, menacing, but oddly weepy voice sounded out, “…BUUUUUUUUUURNING ON JUST LIKE A MAAAAATCH YOU STRIKE TO INCINERAAAAAAAATE…THE LIVES OF EVERYPOOOOOONY YOU KNOOOOOOW…”

“Again, Ah stand by my previous statement.”

“Alexa, set volume to three!”

The song became much quieter, only drifting up softly from the table.

“See!” Order said as he motioned to the table he was standing on.

“Enough of this foolishness!” cried Star Swirl. “It is of the utmost importance that—”

“Big moron with the big stupid beard, shut the Celestia-damn Hell up!” hollered Sunset. “Look! I’m sure ponies can put up with a little less sun and a lot more emo music for a bit longer! Just…” Sunset shook her head. “Everypony disperse for a moment and let Twilight work her magic, literally.” Sunset made a ‘shoo! shoo!’ motion with her wings. “Talk amongst yourselves, go try some new positions in private, whatever! Just give us some space!”

“Very well!” Star Swirl said as he trotted away to look over the book he had confiscated from Twilight. “I could use some time away from you, Strumpet…” He glanced upwards. “All this being around you has somehow caused my hat to become much warmer by quite a few degrees… Come Sunburst! Perhaps a knowledgeable wizard such as yourself could share what advancements in magic have transpired since my absence.”

“Oh, well... I’d be honored!” Sunburst replied as he followed Star Swirl.

“Hah! Score!” Rainbow Dash looped a foreleg around one of Flash Magnus’s. “Literally!” she added with a few bats of her eyelashes as Flash Magnus smirked knowingly back at her.

“Uh, Rainbow?” Applejack called out.

Rainbow Dash sighed. “Don’t tell me. You’re about to rain on my parade harder than a shadowy pony singing along to the Hybridle Theory album.”

“Ah don’t know what that is,” Applejack admitted. “Jus’…” Applejack tossed a wary glance at Flash Magnus. “Uh… maybe you and I could have a word in private?”

“Gee, AJ,” Rainbow replied, “didn’t peg you for the jealous type.”

Applejack’s eyes narrowed. “You know what? I’ll get straight to the point.”

Rainbow Dash batted her eyelashes at Applejack this time. “Don’t you mean ‘gay’ to the point?”

“That doesn't… we’re both mares and…” Applejack let out a frustrated growl. “Flash Magnus was a well-renowned womanizer, right?”

“Verily!” Flash Magnus replied with a smile on his face.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Oh, like that matters to me.”

“Okay, but… He had lots of kids… Ah mean… You could verily easily be related!”

Rainbow Dash groaned. “Why’d you have to tell me that?!”

“Jus’ lookin’ out for ya… though Ah suppose the damage is already done.”

“I’ll say!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “It’s going to be a lot harder to scream ‘give it to me great, great, great, great, great, daddy’ when we’re doing it!”

Applejack huffed out a sigh. “Well, at least now we both regret this conversation.”

“Oh, like it matters!” Pinkie shrilled out. “Even if they were related, it’s not like it’s close enough to make a difference!”

Applejack’s emerald eyes made a rotation around their sockets. “‘Fer the last time, Pinkie! Big Mac has a marefriend!”

Pinkie’s lower lip began to quiver as her mane deflated a bit. “But he and Marble are perfect for each other!” she lamented.

Sunset grit her teeth. “Everypony disperse quicker and more quietly before I really lose my temper, please!”

Ponies shuffled away from Sunset, some making their way out of the room.

Order’s tiny eyes made a not so tiny rotation around his eye sockets. “Alright, alright… I’d tell you to keep yer shirt on but you already lost it on the trip over.”

Sunset wheeled around to face the tiny dog. “I can’t help that the portal seems to borrow clothes!”

Order smirked. “Yeah, yeah… Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

Sunset mirrored the smirk. “That’s a rather short list.”

Chuckling, Order walked back to the tiny trap door on the top of the table, closed it, and the sounds of tiny dog feet padding their way down small stairs could briefly be heard.

Sunset looked over at Twilight who was clearly trying very hard to maintain interest in the book in front of her. “Twilight, we need to talk,” Sunset said.

Twilight glared up at the ceiling in frustration. “I get it. You don’t like Star Swirl. Nopony but Sunburst and I likes Star Swirl!”

Sunset’s brow furrowed in obvious annoyance. “Apparently you don’t get it, because I loathe Star Swirl with every fiber of my being. Every single second he remains breathing is a tiny little gift from me where I’ve decided to begrudgingly accept that there are a handful of ponies who seem to think keeping him around is some sort of crazy ‘net positive’. I had good reason to dislike him before I met him and everything I’ve seen just confirms we should have some sort of pre-funeral pyre for him. And it seems most every pony agrees with that sentiment.”

Twilight groaned. “We can’t just incinerate Star Swirl!”

“Can’t we~?” Sunset warbled with a sardonic smile on her face.

“No!” Twilight exclaimed. “Now, if that was all, I have this…” Twilight frowned as she stared at the book open in front of her. “Basics of Spell Casting book to go over.”

Sunset sighed. “Actually, that’s what I wanted to talk about with you. What’s up with you? Why are you even putting up with this?!” Sunset motioned with a forehoof dramatically. “Where’s the Twilight Sparkle who marched into Canterlot High to win her crown even if it meant dealing with subterfuge and a girl who clearly was not above a little violence to get what she wanted? Where’s the Twilight that stood up to Nightmare Moon, Discord, and Tirek… and Starlight twice…”

“I screwed up, alright!” Twilight cried as she threw her forelegs up into the air. “I screwed up and I’ve got to make this right.”

“So?” Sunset said with a shrug. “Everypony here has messed up from time to time; it doesn’t mean we feel the need to punish ourselves by taking the verbal and physical abuse of a psychotic old man!”

“But this was a big screw up, Sunset!” Twilight insisted as she stared at Sunset with a look so serious a heart attack might suggest it tone it down a bit. “All of Equestria might be at stake! I mean… Can you even relate to that?”

Sunset narrowed her eyes at Twilight.

Twilight sighed. “Okay, sorry… That was out of line…”

Still glowering, Sunset wordlessly pointed to herself.

“I know! I know!” Twilight said. “I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth.”

Wordlessly, Sunset shifted her forehoof to point out the door as she uttered one word, “Starlight.”

“I said I was sorry, alright?!” Twilight snapped, then sighed. “I thought I was doing the right thing with releasing Star Swirl, but instead I released a horrible evil on Equestria!”

“Right!” Sunset agreed. “So, let’s just wrap this up with a quick fireball and be done with it!”

“I’m not talking about Star Swirl!” Twilight snapped. “I’m talking about the Pony of Shadows!”

Sunset sighed. “Oh, that… Honestly, the Pony of Shadows sounds about as big of a threat to Equestria as Trixie when she’s having a bad day. Just that all the Pony of Shadow’s days are bad… I mean, you do still let Trixie run around Equestria.”

“Star Swirl is sure that the Pony of Shadow is a big threat!” Twilight insisted.

Sunset threw a forehoof in the air. “He’s also been out of the loop for 1,000 years, can’t seemingly have a conversation with any pony without shouting them down, and thinks Starlight is some sort of menace to Equestria!”

It was Twilight’s turn to narrow her eyes.

Sunset shot Twilight a chagrined look. “Hey, you’re the one who keeps her around! Anyhow, Starlight at least means well now; even if she still has almost no idea what she’s doing. You gotta admit things would probably be easier on you if she was allowed to help.” Sunset looked around. “Speaking of help, I can’t help but notice a lack of fellow alicorns on account of all the hugs I haven’t received.” Turning back towards Twilight, she asked, “Where are Mom and Auntie Luna?”

“Why would they be here?”

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “Because an ancient jackass wizard just came out of a prison dimension and this, in turn, released some dark terror…” Sunset though for a moment, tapping her chin. “No… That’s giving it too much credit… Some dark inconvenience… Call me crazy but maybe those two should at least be clued in to what’s going on? As much as I’d like to spare them both the trouble of dealing with Star Swirl, if this is as big of a deal as you say it is, it’d make sense to bring them in on it.”

Twilight shook her head. “I don’t want to trouble them.”

“Just pen a letter and have Spike send it to Mom!” Sunset said as she made an exaggerated writing motion with a forehoof. “I can assure you even with the sort of limited peril every pony is in. This is more important than whatever routine princess stuff Mom is up to.”

In the dimness and cramped confines of the space under her bed, Celestia swallowed hard. “So, it’s come to this…”

“I am afraid so, sister,” Luna said as she stared onwards with an equally concerned look on her face.

Celestia stared sorrowfully at an empty cookie jar. “Well… I suppose if things continue like this, we’ll have no choice…”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Get out from under this bed and face our problems like responsible adults?”

“We’ll have to sit here, even if it means starving to death!” Celestia cried dramatically.

Luna dwelled on this for a moment. “Technically, we’d die of dehydration long before that was an issue…”

“Lulu… If things get desperate… if there is no hope for us…”

“No, really…” Luna continued, “we have likely wasted enough time down here. Perhaps we should check on Twilight.”

Tears began to stream from Celestia’s eyes. “Lulu, if things are at their absolute worst, I want you to eat me… Save yourself.”

“…. Yes, sister. I understand,” Luna replied with a nod.

“… Wait, really? You’re not going to argue with me or assure me there’s still hope?”

Luna shrugged. “Out of the two of us, I thought you would taste the better with all the sweets you consume. Also, you are the larger of us in pretty much every sense of the word. I am sure I could last for weeks feasting on your sweet, large flanks, alone.”

“… Now, wait just a bucking minute!”

Twilight shook her head. “I don’t think—”

“Twilight, they have to be available for something exaggerated to sound like this big of a deal! That is unless Canterlot is literally under attack right now,” Sunset glanced outside a window were the bright white city and castle of Canterlot stood pristinely on a hillside. “Oh, look! It’s not!”

“Sunset, I got this,” Twilight insisted.

“Do you~?” Sunset warbled.

“Yes! I can figure this out, I’m sure of it! Star Swirl, the Pillars, the Elements, my home… There’s got to be a way to save them all!”

Sunset took a deep breath and let it out. “If anypony can figure this out, it’s you, but what do you think is going to happen even if you succeed and manage to save everypony and everything? Do you think Star Swirl is going to do a complete 180 on you and suddenly going to want to become your bestie?! He’s terrible by almost any metric! I mean, even if he did warm up to you—and that’s a huge if—what exactly are you going to get out of it?”

“Er… Somepony to help me with spells?”

“You have Starlight, Sunburst, and me for that.”

“Okay, but Star Swirl knows about old spells!”

“So does a library!” Sunset looked down at the book in front of Twilight and floated it up with a red glow of her horn to examine it. “Oh look! The Basics of Spell Casting by Star Swirl the Bearded! Volume 1!” Sunset began flipping through the pages. “It’s like the old miserable bastard is right here except with slightly less misogyny and annoying bell ringing!”

Twilight lowered her eyelids slightly. “Come on, Sunset. He’s got to have more information than just what he written down in books.”

Sunset glanced over at Star Swirl as he and Sunburst looked over a few of the books Twilight got brought out. In a white aura, Star Swirl floated a mug of a substance most everypony was all too familiar with to Sunburst. “Here, drink up!” Star Swirl said. “I saved the best slime from my beard and body. The goat goo will clear your mind, help you focus, and fill your body with unlimited power!”

Sunburst let out a distressed murmur before quickly chugging down the liquid. This was quickly followed by him coughing and sputtering.

“Goooood! Gooooooooood! Feel the POWER coursing through you!”

Sunset turned back towards Twilight. “You know… I think you’re much better off with just his books even if you do get him to like you…”

“Okay, well… Star Swirl can tell me about life back where he was from!”

“Oh, so can any of the Pillars; and they’ll at least enjoy the experience! Hell! You’re pen-palswith my Mom! If you really wanted to know what life was 1,000 years ago, you’d be Equestria’s second-leading expert!”

Glaring slightly with tightly pursed lips, Twilight inhaled then exhaled through her nose. “Look! I made this mess, and I need to fix it!”

“Did Starlight fix her big mess on her own?! Did I?! Did Starlight?! Did Trixie?! Did Starlight?!”

Twilight gave Sunset an unamused look. “You said ‘Starlight’ three times.”

“Honestly, I think I could drop her name three more times and it’d still be accurate!”

“There’s no need for me to trouble anypony else!” Twilight practically shouted before she turned back to her book. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some, light… nearly weightless, reading to do…” Twilight punctuated her last sentence with a sad sigh as she went back to looking over the book in front of her with a bored expression and idly flipping the pages.

Sunset inhaled deeply, then turned and began storming up to where Star Swirl and Sunburst were busily talking over a series of open books. She quickly identified the book Twilight was looking at earlier and snatched it up in the red glow of her magic.

Turning so fast it filled the room with the sound of bells, Star Swirl bellowed, “WHO DARES DISTURB THE WORK OF A WIZ—” Star Swirl cut off his own sentence abruptly, noting he was face to face with Sunset who wordlessly glowered at him with turquoise eyes filled with promises of a ‘bad time’ - likely of the fiery death sort; should he pursue his current line of annoyance. Opting to toss her a sneer and a scoff, Star Swirl turned back towards his collection of books as Sunburst tossed Sunset a wayward glance and likewise got back to work.

Wordlessly, Sunset took the book back to Twilight, dropped it with a loud ‘bang’ that startled the purple alicorn from her insincere, quickly-turned-sincere reading. Twilight looked down at the book then back up to Sunset, but the fiery-maned mare was already marching herself out of the room.

Starlight and Spike opted to follow. “So uh… How’d it go?” Spike asked as both he and Starlight kept up with Sunset’s forceful march down the hallway.

Sunset let out a heavy sigh. “It’s no good… Twilight wants to fix this mess without involving anypony else. That includes any of the Princesses and presumably anyone who can’t stand Star Swirl or vice versa!”

Spike looked at Sunset in surprise. “Did… Did you point out all the times Twilight has helped others with their big mistakes?!”

“Of course I did!” Sunset said.

Starlight piped up, “Did you mention that she helps fix my mistakes all the time?!”

“Yeah! I gotcha, boo!” Sunset replied.

“And she still wants to work with Star Swirl?!” Spike asked in disbelief.

Sunset let out an exasperated sigh. “I don’t know what to tell you two… Twilight won’t let me burn Star Swirl to cinders and she feels bad enough without me trying to beat some sense into her.” Sunset gave Spike and Starlight an unhappy look. “I know everypony is expecting me to wave my magic problem-correcting newspapers around and fix this mess, but Twilight’s needs to figure out what’s right for herself at this point.”

“Does she~?” Spike and Starlight sang in unison.

With a heavy sigh, Sunset closed her eyes, lowered her head, and raised a forehoof to her forehead. Looking back up, she spoke, “Listen, as much as it pains me to be here, I’ll stick around and at least try to damage control this whole mess. I owe Twilight that much…” Sunset’s muzzle and forehead scrunched. “But I need to find something very important first…”

“Uh… Like a magical artifact?” Starlight suggested.

“Oh! Or a powerful new spell that can help!” Spike added.

Sunset shook her head. “Nope. I really need to find a stiff drink… maybe a bar.” She glanced upwards. “No way Star Swirl the Belligerent goes uncooked if I have to power through the rest of the day sober.”

“Perhaps we could help?” a deep voice offered.

The two ponies and dragon turned towards a collection of the Pillars; Flash Magnus and Star Swirl missing from their ranks. In a hazy green aura, Mistmane floated a generous collection of round purple grapes.

Sunset tilted her head to the right as her left eye twitched slightly in a skeptical look she gave to both the grapes and the four ponies in front of her. With a red glow of her horn, she removed a grape from the bunch and popped it into her mouth. Her eyes going wide and pupils going distant as if she could suddenly hear the blood rushing past her ears, Sunset swallowed.

Rockhoof chuckled good-naturedly. “Careful, they have quite the kick to them!”

Sunset simply took the entire bunch of grapes in her magic and began eating them by the hoofful. Giddy faces turned concerned as Sunset emptied the vine of grapes and casually tossed it behind her. “More,” Sunset said simply.

The Pillars present looked upon Sunset in awe.

“Pillars, we have a new sister!” Rockhoof announced boisterously as Mistmane, Mage Meadowbrook, and Somnambula all let out cries of delight.

“Sister! HAH!” Sunset exclaimed as she walked into the center of the group and the five ponies began trotting away. “Give me a few more drinks and you’ll all have a new princess before the day is over!”

Rockhoof let out another hearty chuckle as Somnambula let out a squeal of high-pitched joy.

Starlight and Spike simply watched the group go as Starlight let out a long, sad sigh. “This… is just… the worst…”

“Yeah…” Spike agreed. A smile slowly slithered across his scaly face. “I still got laid, though…”

“Ugh!” Starlight cried as she turned and began trotting away.

“What?!” Spike replied in a protesting tone as he turned his palms forward in a small shrug. “You’re a beautiful mare! I’m sure you can find somepony easily enough.”

“UGH!” Starlight shouted as she continued walking down the hallway.

“Maybe if you ask Sunburst nicely, he would—”

“I said, ‘UGH’, good sir!”