The Beard with a Jerk-Ass Hanging off of It

Though his triumphant return was marred by a mare who still had much to learn and another who liked to burn, Star Swirl the Bearded once again stood on the precipice of ridding the world of what was venomous! Well, specifically the one venomous thing, that dreaded Pony of Shadows whose malice had once again overflowed into the world at a speed that was noteworthily allegro.

While it had seemed this mass of mare madness had dealt with the odd bunch of beastly badness, only Star Swirl had the right combination of intelligence, wisdom, and gender to be Equestria’s proper defender. With great splendor from this mage contender, and perhaps a little help from his fellow Pillars, this perfect specimen of a gentleman who was most unfeminine—

“The Pillars aren’t here, you old coot!” a deep masculine voice exclaimed.

— by establishing his dominance over those drenched in estrogen—

“Oh my aching, yingyang…” the voice muttered. “SHUT YOUR STUPID SEXIST FACE AND LISTEN! PILLARS! NOT HERE!”

Jolted back to the real world with its tiny dog guardian that was busily barking out to get Star Swirl’s attention, the wizard turned and glared angrily at Order who was once again atop the Table of Harmony. “Where are my Pillars?!” Demanded Star Swirl. “WHERE IS THE GAGGLE OF PONIES TO LORD ME WITH PRAISE DURING MY TRIUMPH!”

“The Pillars left,” a female’s voice informed.

Star Swirl wheeled about and glared at the source of the voice, Starlight Glimmer, who was notably one of the only other ponies in the room save Sunburst. He appeared to have buried his muzzle in a book, but also seemed to be discreetly invading Star Swirl’s personal space to which the wizard either didn’t notice or seem to particularly care.

“They got smashed on grapes with Sunset and then she convinced them all to head out to the nearest bar,” Starlight said in an even tone.

“WHY ARE YOU STILL IN MY PRESENCE, EVIL ONE!” Star Swirl snapped. “HOW DARE YOU POLLUTE THE VERY AIR WE BREATHE WITH YOUR EVIL THOUGHTS AND MAREISH WAYS?!”

Order’s voice called out from the table. “How can she pollute the air with her thoughts, ‘ya bearded moron?! I swear, I’ve spoken to llamas and squirrels who have a better handle on insults than you do!”

Starlight let out a sigh heavy with the weight of the day. “The Pillars left, Twilight is elsewhere poring over books to figure out a way to save Equestria that doesn’t involve losing you and the rest of the Pillars, for some stupid reason, uh… and also maybe keeping the elements—”

“The most important thing,” Order interjected.

Starlight continued. “The Element bearers are…uh… in the castle somewhere, mainly avoiding you probably, and Sunburst…” Starlight tilted her head slightly to look past Star Swirl and shot whatever was behind him a disapproving glare. “Sunburst has been rubbing his face against a portion of your cape for like… ten minutes now.”

“Ah!” Sunburst let out a startled gasp and released the portion of Star Swirl’s cape he was busily feeling with his cheek. It fell to the floor with a light jingling. “Sorry! Was it, er, that obvious?”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “I just said you’ve been doing it for 10 minutes, so yes.”

Star Swirl grit his teeth in annoyance. “How dare everypony just vacate my presence when the world is in peril!”

Starlight pursed her lips slightly. “Well… I mean… have you ever met you? World peril or not, I think if ponies don’t get a break from you every now and again they might commit a murder…”

Order let out a sigh heavy with years of interacting with Star Swirl. “Starry, yer not just spinnin’ tall tales there. I’m not even sure a millennium was enough…”

“Preposterous!” Star Swirl declared. “I’m the closest those ponies will get to meeting a god while living!”

Starlight and Order exchanged glances and raised eyebrows.

“Should I take that one, or do you want a turn?” Starlight asked.

Order waved a tiny paw dismissively at Starlight. “Ahh, go ahead. Even after all the decades of dealing with him, I still get a dull ache behind my muzzle from tryin’ to talk some sense into that old coot.”

Starlight nodded. “Look, Twilight told me to be nice…”

“That know-nothing strumpet!” Star Swirl declared. “One can only imagine how she blundered into becoming a princess.”

Starlight paused for a moment. “I’ll grant that it took me a while to figure that out too, but that’s the thing… Twilight is a Princess, and Equestria has three more full-grown princesses and even a baby alicorn that accidentally almost destroyed an empire… Sunset's also ascended... You add Discord then—”

Order cleared his throat.

Starlight’s face turned slightly disgruntled. “—and Order—”

“Thank you,” Order said with a tiny smile.

“Then there’s super-powerful ponies and entities all over the place,” Starlight continued. “Even you’re going to be around awhile, and again… I don’t know why Twilight is working on that but if any pony could do it, it’s her. You’re probably going to have to get used to the fact that world domination is not something that’s going to come lightly.”

Order tilted his head. “I’m sure you meant ‘hero worship.’”

Starlight’s face tightened. “Right, ‘hero worship.’ What did I say?”

Order shook his head. “Probably best I don’t repeat it…”

Star Swirl stroked at his beard thoughtfully. “Of course! I’ve been wearing the same bell hat and cap all day! Perhaps if I change my hat and cape, that’ll get me the attention I so rightly deserve.”

Starlight let out the unwedded love child of a sigh and a groan. “Did you listen to a word I said?”

“Not likely,” Order said. “No.”

Sunburst perked up. “Leave it to me, Star Swirl!” He made a quick gallop for the door. “I always keep a spare bell hat and cape on hand in case of cosplay emergencies!”

Starlight brought a forehoof to her head. “You know, some days I’m a little sorry I didn’t actually end Equestria in a time-shift related apocalypse.”

“And you wonder why you have trouble making friends,” Order quipped dryly.

“Oh, stuff it, you 12-oz. mouse-sized dog!” Starlight exclaimed.

Order’s eyes crossed slightly. “Wait… where’d you even pick up that reference?”

Starlight continued, “At least I’m trying to be better!” she insisted. “Seems like you’ve done nothing but double down on your surveillance and booty-calls since the castle grew!”

Order smirked. “Do I detect an old sense of aggravation from having Twilight shut down your little Jamestown operation?”

“... What the heck does an episode of Firefly have to do with all this?!”

“Wha… No ‘Jamestown,’ not Jaynestown,” Order shook his head, “Guessin’ Sunset isn’t shy about sharin’ some earth culture with you.”

Starlight giggled to herself. “We don’t have much in the way of TV here in Equestria… it’s hard not to ‘vedge out and put on several pounds in ice-cream when I visi—”

“This nattering solves nothing!” Star Swirl snapped.

Star Swirl and Order frowned slightly.

“Well, an old, broken, obnoxious clock is right twice a day,” Order quipped.

“That fire-maned HUSSY is out there right now corrupting my Pillars!”

“Oh,” said Starlight, “so you were paying attention.”

Order shrugged. “Ever since they’ve met ya I’ve only caught glimpses of sobriety from ‘tha other Pillars… I mean, seriously… If you want to meet a corrupting factor, you should try lookin’ in a mirror… maybe on an empty stomach.”

Star Swirl wheeled around and leveled a forehoof at Order. “The girl is a demonic presence! I just know it!”

Order and Starlight exchanged another glance. Starlight gave Order a small smile. “Well… there’s the second time.”

Order shook her head. “Look, Sunset is definitely the loose cannon type that doesn’t follow any rules but her own.” Order slammed a paw as hard as he could on the crystalline table surface, it made teeny-tiny ‘thump.’ “But, damnit, she gets results!” Order took a long breath as his features relaxed. “But it’s not like she’s gonna get the other Pillars to do nothin’ they haven’t already done to themselves.”

Somnambula shot a nervous glance at a glass that looked to be shaped like a knee-high boot; it was certainly large enough to be worn as one if the act of shoving a leg inside wouldn’t break it immediately. Of course, that wasn’t likely to happen anytime soon with the foamy brown-yellow liquid that filled the glass up to its very top. The peach-colored pegasus let out a laugh to match the look on her face. “I think this will kill me…”

With a series of ‘glugs,’ Sunset Shimmer not-so-gently placed her glass on the wooden bar top in front herself and the Pillars present. Not to be outdone, the Rockhoof and Flash Magnus quickly followed Sunset and downed their drinks, only slightly behind Mistmane who seemed to lack any sort of gag-reflex. Mage Meadowbrook settled for placing her hooves on the bar top and gently sipping from the top.

Sunset looked at the mare to her immediate right. “Don’t worry! I know a resurrection spell…” Sunset’s turquoise eyes rolled up towards the top of her eye sockets as if searching her memory for something. “I think…”

Somnambula’s nervous smile turned into a nervous frown. “Giving your delivery of that line and current state, that’s hardly reassuring,” she stated as Mistmane’s empty boot-glass was lowered to the bar followed by Flash Magnus a wing’s width later then Rockhoof’s.

“Weeelll… I’m sure Starlight could help…” Sunset said as she hastily put on a sloppy, reassuring smile. “If you kick the bucket here, we’ll have you shambling around in no time!”

Somnambula considered this further. “Hope does spring eternal,” she said with a massive grin as she took the glass in her forehooves and began to drink it down.

“That’s the spirit!” Sunset exclaimed. “And so is this!” Sunset exclaimed as she swayed a little before she took a shot glass in a red glow of her magic and downed an amber colored liquid. “Alright… alright, alright, alright!”!” Sunset half-floated, half-dropped the shot glass that fell to the wooden bar top with a clatter. “I have to ask… How did a bunch of kick-ass, and cool ponies like yourselves end up with an asshole like Star Swirl?” Sunset looked over the trio of females sitting at the bar next to her. “Especially, you three! How do you even put up with it?!”

The other ponies present sighed, all except Somnambula who made more of a sad gurgling noise as she continued to try and empty her giant glass of its contents.

“It sort of involves the Pony of Shadows,” Flash Magnus began, “or more accurately, the pony who would become the Pony of Shadows…”

“Oh! Tragic backstory time!” Sunset exclaimed. She smiled to herself and leaned forward on the bar, placing her forelegs down on it like a pillow for her head. “Go oooooooon~!” she warbled.

Mage Meadowbrook snickered before the smile dropped and she nodded solemnly. “You see, the Pony of Shadows was once a normal pony before he became wrapped in shadow and envy… mostly shadow.”

Sunset’s eyes widened as the words, ‘Don’t be a unicorn! Don’t be a unicorn!’ Repeated over and over inside her head.

Mage Meadowbrook continued, “He was once a unicorn—”

“DAMNIT!” Sunset exclaimed.

The Pillars went silent and recoiled from Sunset a bit.

“Sorry,” Sunset said. “Please, continue,” she said politely.

Mage Meadowbrook nodded.

The sounds of violence joined the angry-shout filled air as ponies argued, fought, and even caused property destruction upon their windmills and thatched-roof cottages. Structures that fell fast to the hooves of earth ponies, the magic of unicorns, but actually did alright against most the pegasi flying into them, if one discounted the roofs, which… again, were made of thatch. While this cacophonous melee of aimless aggression continued, an ominous green mist wafted upwards, every bit as mysterious as a haunting chorus lingered in those small cracks of sound occasionally left by the anarchy of the scene.

“Aria~!” A high-pitched female voice whined out, cutting into the haunting melody a bit.

Above the ponies, a trio of massive aquatic-looking creatures with pony-like features, massive fish-tails, and teeth that would make a cutlery drawer envious floated above the ruins of a city.

The middle creature, a gold-colored monster that resembled the evil result of some sort of sea-horse, lionfish, shark orgy sneered at the aquamarine-colored creature to her left. The amethyst-colored creature to her right leaned forward to look past her and at the third monster.

“What is it now, Sonata-spaz?” Aria answered in a gruff feminine tone.

The gold monster sighed. “Seriously Aria, you could at least try with your insult. ‘Spaznata’! There!” The monster proclaimed in her own, clearly irritated, feminine tone as she motioned out to open air. “That took me like… a second!”

Aria rolled her eyes. “Oh, whatever, Adagio. I just want to figure out what Lady Gripes-a-lot is mad about now.”

“There! See!” Adagio exclaimed as she flung her forehooves out towards Aria. “THERE’S your ‘A’ game! Where was your ‘A’ game five seconds ago?!”

“You started too quickly!” Sonata declared. She looked down at the destruction below her. “Now the mill is gone! How are we going to make the ponies make flatbread? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WRAP MY MEAT UP WITH NOW?!”

Aria shook her head. “What the fornication under consent of the king is up with you and wrapping food? BESIDES, we’re trying to collect real food here.”

It was Sonata’s turn to roll her eyes. “Right, because solid food is somehow fake just because we can’t siphon magical energies from it to grow in power and maintain our immortality.”

Aria groaned. “Thanks, Princess Exposition.”

“See! You’re getting it!” Adagio said.

Aria sent a displeased grunt in Adagio’s direction then looked towards Sonata. “Besides, how do you know it was me who started early and not Miss, uh…”

“Often-spacious scales?” Sonata exclaimed.

Aria’s eyes tightened in confusion.

Adagio sighed. “She means, ‘ostentatious,’” she looked down at herself proudly. “No doubt because of my gloriously golden gleam.”

Aria managed a small shrug with her forelegs. “Or maybe she was calling you fat.”

“WHAT?!” Adagio snarled.

Sonata let out a mirthful giggle.

Adagio grit her teeth. “Well, I couldn’t be the one to start early, because I always start out nice and sloooow…” Adagio cooed out in a sultry tone.

“Whatever, fatso,” Aria said dismissively.

“Oh, that is IT!” Adagio cried as she opened her mouth and let lose a blast of reddish-black energy that slammed into Aria and sent her smoking form to the ground. Adagio followed this up with diving towards Aria and brought both sirens crashing to the village below, causing even more destruction as the green mists raising from the quarreling ponies continued to float up.

“Sisters! Sisters!” Sonata exclaimed in a pleading tone as the two monsters rolled about the destroyed city, gnashing their teeth as they swatted at each other. “Stop! Stop!” Sonata’s eyes began to water up. “You know I can’t stand to see fighting!”

All at once that ponies on the ground ceased their brutal beatdowns and stared up at Sonata.

“Oh, except when you ponies do it,” Sonata said with a smile. “Please, continue.”

With that, the tiny village redoubled its efforts in going all TV-Y7 version of Kingsmen Freebird on each other.

Uh… I’m afraid we don’t follow the reference, Miss Sunset Shimmer.

Sorry, Rockhoof. I’m not sure how you all managed to peg those three so perfectly, but I needed to get you to stop right there on account of me feeling my brain trying to astrally project away from my head. I kinda get enough of those three at home.

Uh… Verily?

Just skip the Sirens bit and get to the part where you meet.

High above the village on a hill, a thin-grey unicorn stallion with a green and blue bowl-cut mane stopped, his jaw nearly dropping as he witnessed the carnage. It was all he could do to hold onto his white-polka dotted red bundle as he gazed upon the destruction with his deep sky blue eyes, his tattered brown tunic offering little comfort from the chill he felt at such baseless destruction.

“Heavens!” the unicorn cried. “I, Stygian, must assemble mighty heroes to combat these menaces!” He galloped over the hill away from the village. Moments later, he returned, six larger than life ponies behind him. “Thank goodness that six such heroes were right HERE and can save everypony!”

Wait, what?! How was it that this, erm… Stygian just so happened to be at this SAME village that all SIX of you just happened to be by at the time?! If you were that close, why would he even need to do that?! Couldn’t you six just hear what was going on on the other side of the hill?! And why did Stygian announce his own name to no-pony?!

You told us to skip ahead to the part where we all met!

Sure! But I figured you’d at least make it make sense.

Oh, My GoDs! I tHiNk My HeArT JuSt StOpPed!

Uh… Somnambula? Do you want me to get you a glass of water? Or like… a hospital?

No, WaIt! It StArTeD AgAiN! TeEhEe… AlL iT NeEdEd WaS a LiTtLe HoPe.

Look!-The-truth-is-Stygian-gathered-us-after-many-laborious-journeys-to-stop-the-siren-menace,-meanwhile-they-ran-unchecked-throughout-all-of-Equestria! Did-you-really-need-to-know-that?

Erm, right, sorry… Okay, Mistmane, you can continue…

It’s quite alright. With Stygian uniting us, the six of us banded together, beat the sirens, and Star Swirl banished them to another world where they would never hurt any—

HA!

—Erm… cause their destruction elsewhere! And thus, the Pillars where united.

Sunset narrowed her eyes. “Wait… that’s it? Where’s the violence?! Where’s the bloodshed?”

Mistmane chuckled. “Sorry, I’m afraid I’m too deep in my cups to adequately describe the Sirens’ energy blasts that Flash expertly blocked, the giant boulders flung from Rockhoof’s shovel, or even the death-defying flying from Somnambula that caught the Sirens’ attention as Mage Meadowbrook and myself soothed the villager’s waring feelings, and Star Swirl created a portal which Somnambula led the three into.

“Right,” Sunset said as she took a sip from a squat round glass with more amber liquid and two ice cubes in it. “You’re all still lucky I mostly blame Star Swirl for not knowing where the portal went.” Sunset frowned. “But that doesn’t explain why you three mares ended up putting up with Star Swirl!”

“Oh, my apologies,” Mistmane said. “You see…”

“Somnambula, Meadowbrook, you see that old guy over there?” Stygian said as he pointed the old guy who was, of course, wearing a bell-hat and matching cape.

“Ah can see and HEAR him!” Mage Meadowbrook shook her head. “Ah wish I was jus’ talkin’ ‘bout his bells!”

“I can smell his old-man musk from here!” Somnambula exclaimed.

“He called me a sentient-beast bedding whore!” Mistmane cried indignantly. “Which was completely uncalled for! I don’t charge for sex!”

Stygian nodded. “Right, right. All very valid points. Well, he is the living personification of all things wrong with Equestria, but right now, he’s right about one thing. These Sirens need to go, and we need your help to get it done. For five minutes, please just ignore everything this stallion says that’s spiteful, derogatory, and all-around unpleasant while we deal with the greater threat at hoof… After that, you can kill him.”

Wait… what happened to the killing him part? I liked that suggestion.

Oh! WeLl, We DeCidEd To CeLeBrAte AfTeR OuR vIcToRy! We’Ve BeEn RaReLy SoBeR sInCe!

Verily!

Okay… that tracks. Well… How did Stygian become all broody and shadowy?

Ah, well, that’s a long, loooooong, exceedingly long tale that ends after years and decades of many adventures. Adventures I will happilydetail over the days and weeks to come!

Okay! I get it! Artistic storytelling license, and all that. Give me the abridged version, please.

Stygian-swiped-a-bunch-of-our-magical-items-because-he-was-uh-mad-jelly-am-I-using-that-term-correctly?

Yes, Flash Magnus, go ahead.

Haha!-You-can-just-call-me-‘Flash’,-Sunset.

I would, but I already have a ‘Flash’… And I mean ‘have’… you know… in the sexy sense.

Verily.-Well,-that-Stygian-was-mad-jelly-of-our-power-

He was very puny.

Right,- right. So-he-straight-up-jacked-our-stuff-and—

Wow, Rainbow Dash rubbed off on you quic… forget I just said that. Continue, please.

And-then-we-caught-him-with-our-stuff-and-then-cast-him-out!-The-end! You-know,-until-he-came-back-all-evil-and-such-and-we-had-to-seal-him-and-ourselves-away!

Sunset stared blankly for a moment, her back straight after hearing the tale, her eyes unusually focused. After a few more moments, her eyes narrowed. “Maaaaaaan, fuck you guys.”

The other five ponies present looked genuinely taken aback.

“We…. we beg your pardon?!” Mistmane said.

“Pardon denied!” Sunset exclaimed angrily. “So Stygian made a mistake because he got tired of sitting in the shadows...” Sunset’s face lightened momentarily. “Oh, hey! I just got why he does the shadow thing… Go me…” Her face tightened again. “Anyhow, Stygian got tired of being overshadowed… uh… the second pun also not intended, so he tried to do something to get noticed, then you all cast him out?!” Sunset looked about her immediate surroundings, noticed Mage Meadowbrook’s only half-drank drink, then took it in a red glow and floated it to her mouth where she emptied its contents and smashed the glass on the ground.

“Hey!” a female’s voice protested.

“Bill my mom!” Sunset snapped. She looked about the other five Pillars. “Did you all want an unstable pony with a vendetta?! Because that’s how you get unstable ponies with vendettas!”

For a moment, the other Pillars said nothing, instead looking at Sunset with forlorn expressions.

Somnambula frowned deeply at Sunset. “It sounds like we’re the bad-guys the way you say it.”

The other Pillars nodded solemnly in agreement.

“Well, you kinda are!” Sunset exclaimed as she threw her hooves up in the air, swayed backwards in her seat, then quickly flung herself forward where she landed roughly on the bar top (sending more empty shots and boots to the floor in a cacophony of shattering glass and prompting a heavy sigh from an increasingly irritated female barkeep) where she took a moment to steady herself, then bowed with a wry little grin. “He’s the one who got you together and because none of you had the balls to stand up to Star Swirl the Goat Fucker, you all kind of created a new....” Sunset trailed off for a moment as she wracked her brain for an appropriate word “…quasi-threat!” She shook her head in a slightly exaggerated fashion causing her fiery red mane to sway one way than the other. “Shit, I can relate. I mean… not saying Stygian couldn’t have maybe handled things better, but maaaaan, can I re-late.”

Somnambula leaned forward and turned to look at Mistmane. “What the buck is a ‘man’?” she whispered.

Mistmane merely shrugged and shook her head.

“Well, Star Swirl is quite the bitter pill to swallow,” Flash Magnus said, “but he is clearly the wisest amongst us.”

The other Pillars nodded in agreement.

Sunset tilted her head as her forehead tightened. “That’s because you all are shitfaced most of the time around him and he just seems like he’s making sense.” She let out a sigh heavy with alcohol and the weight of what she had just heard, but mostly alcohol. “I mean… You guys need to maybe at least cast votes about some of this stuff.”

Mage Meadowbrook pursed her lips into a small frown. “We tried, but Star Swirl only gives the three of us girls a collective one vote, Rockhoof and Flash Magnus one each, then ten for himself!”

With a red glow of her horn, Sunset took a half-full bottle of an amber liquid from the top shelf of the bar, its contents swaying angrily as she whisked it to her face. With a quick tilt of her head, the cork and surrounding glass of the bottle broke off, and Sunset tossed the small broken piece away from herself where it made its exit through the closed window as noisily as possible.

“Whhhyyyyeeeee?!” A mare’s voice whined.

Sunset took a few swigs from the somewhat broken bottle and continued. “Then just kick his old wrinkly ass!” she exclaimed. She took a gulp. “Like I did!” She grumbled irritably to herself before taking two big gulps. “Before Twilight stopped me…” she growled as she finished the bottle. Groaning, Sunset let her head fall to the bar with a heavy ‘thump’ that left glass cups and bottles rattling.

The Pillars all leaned over with concerned looks.

“Are you okay?” Mistmare asked.

Rockhoof chuckled. “Perhaps she’s had too much to drink?”

Before a chuckle could erupt through the group, Sunset’s head shot up like an erupting volcano. Her resolute turquoise eyes sought out the barkeep. “Hey! You, uh… Mare gal… girl…”

“OH, SWEET CELESTIA, PLEASE DON’T KILL M-I MEAN-It’s, erm… Oddjob…” A mocha colored earth pony mare with a long, dark-brown mane answered. Her expression looking slightly frazzled and her black apron appearing slick with the odd spill here or there. “My parents were really into spy books, you see, and—”

“I don’t recall asking for your boring life story!” Sunset shot back her eyes narrowing slightly. “Four Ponies of the Apocalypse… For me and all the Pillars here…”

Oddjob swallowed. “Are you su—”

“The good stuff!” Sunset said in a demanding tone as she slammed a forehoof on the table and set more glassed to the ground. “None of this well-drink garbage… Just bill Princess Celestia!”

The barmare gave Sunset a skeptical look. “You keep saying that, but—”

Sunset unfurled her wings causing Somnambula and Flash Magnus to recoil slightly. She also pointed to her horn. “What?! Do you think I pulled this stuff out of a cereal box?!” Sunset spun around on her stool and slammed her flank on the bar, causing patrons to quickly rescue drinks as she sent another heavy vibration through the bartop. “Check out my cutie mark! My MOM raises the frickin’ sun for you all every bucking day! She’s good for it!” Sunset turned and fixed Oddjob with a glare. “DRINKS! NOW!” she ordered.

“Yes, ma’am!” Oddjob replied as she turned, got up on her hind legs and hurriedly began, grabbing bottles from the top shelf.

Sunset smirked. “Good! Don’t forget to write that you deserve a big tip for putting up with me.”

Oddjob’s body seemed to relax slightly, and she let out a small titter. “Believe me. I will.”

Soon, four shots were sitting in front of Sunset and the five Pillars, half-empty bottles of bourbon, whisky, whiskey, and tequila sitting on the bar top.

To top off each drink, Oddjob held a bottle in her mouth and poured a tiny bit of an amber-colored liquid that burned the nostrils just to smell it. The Pillars all looked at the drinks in front of them with a mixture of excitement and perhaps a small amount of fear.

Oddjob lowered herself below the bar and came back up with a box of matches.

“Please,” Sunset said holding up a hoof. “Allow me.” With a red flash of her horn suddenly 24 drinks had their tops lit aflame. The Pillars all recoiled in surprise slightly while Sunset simply took her four shots in her magic and cued them up in a neat line floating in front of her.

“Try to keep up,” Sunset said before she blew out all four drinks with a single breath before drinking each down in rapid succession.

The Pillars quickly blowing out their own shots and trying to down them as quickly as possible.

“Because we’re just getting this party started,” Sunset added, a manic, lopsided smile splashing across her face as her eyes became unfocused and just a bit feral.

“I got it! I got it!” Twilight cried as she burst into the table room excitedly, tattered scroll trailing behind her in a magenta glow. So excited was the mare that she took no notice of Starlight, who stood statuesque with a strained expression and distant, practically-off-the-planet eyes as Sunburst wore Star Swirl’s outfit and giggled to himself.

“I’ve figured out how to banish the Pony of Shadows without losing the Pillars!” Twilight declared as she galloped up to the pony wearing a blue bell-cape and matching wizard hat. “Star Swirl! I figured it out.”

The pony turned, revealing an orange-coated stallion with a long red goatee and frazzled mane. “Uh… Hello, Twilight,” Sunburst greeted. “Erm,” his face lit up, “you’ve come up with a solution that doesn’t involve losing Star Swirl or the others?! That’s fantastic!”

Behind Twilight, the other Element Bearers, as well as Spike, filed in.

Twilight’s expression quickly changed to that of a pout as she looked over Sunburst. “You’re not Star Swirl.”

“Erm, no,” Sunburst admitted. “You see, Star Swirl was lamenting not having a change of wardrobe, and I just so happened to have a spare bell-hat and cape on me…”

Twilight nodded. “In case of cosplay emergencies.”

“Yes, um, right!” Sunburst said, his face lighting up. “So Star Swirl changed and wandered off somewhere to see his reflection…”

“What! NO FAIR!” Twilight cried. “I mean… this is my castle…”

Sunburst seemed to shrink a little bit from Twilight’s reaction. “Er, I didn’t mean to overstep any boundaries…”

Twilight puffed out her lower lip. “I have all my spare bell hats and capes here!” she added as her lip began to quibble.

“Er…” Sunburst offered Twilight a slight smile. “Would you… would you like to try on Star Swirl’s clothes?”

Twilight’s face suddenly lit up enough to shame even one of Rarity’s Hearth’s Warming displays. She began to nod vigorously. “Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!”

With that, Twilight practically ripped the cape and hat right of Sunburst and put them on where she immediately buried her muzzle in the clothes and took a big sniff. “Oh my gosh! It smells just like how a hug from Star Swirl would smell like, I’d imagine. Musky and full of power.”

“I know right!” Sunburst said as he practically drilled into Twilight’s side with his nose. “I’ve been sniffing it so much, yet it’s still soaked to the brim with his musk.”

Applejack recoiled slightly. “Let’s add ‘musk’ to the list of words we’re not gonna use for a while.”

Spike looked over as Twilight and Sunburst seemingly tried to inhale Star Swirl’s cape with their noses. “Dude, that’s fu—” Spike glanced around at the ponies present “—creepy,” he amended.

Pinkie shook her head. “It’s okay, Spike. I think given the situation, you can say ‘fucked up.’”

Fluttershy nodded. “Oh goodness, yes. On account of how fucked up everything is.”

Applejack glanced over at Starlight. “Okay, so what’s up with you?”

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash chimed in as she hovered above Starlight and waved a forehoof in front of the purple mare’s unblinking eyes. “You don’t even look like you’re in the same solar system anymore!”

Starlight’s head suddenly tilted to the side so fast there was an audible ‘crack!’ “I’ve been in here trying to get along with Star Swirl and watching Sunburst run his nose over every inch of that gross-old-fool’s clothes, and I am unfathomably angry!”

Applejack nodded. “That makes sense…” her eyes drifted over slightly. “But Rarity, you just got here. Why do you look as mad as Starlight?”

Her face making the same expression as Starlight’s, Rarity’s head also tilted so fast that cartilage let out a crackling protest. “Seeing one of my best friends wear that horrid ensemble has likewise filled me with a wave of anger I have never known.”

Applejack nodded. “Right. That also makes sense…” She looked around the room. “Now where did that bearded-jerk get off t—”

Suddenly, the Table of Harmony went dim. This was accompanied shortly thereafter by Order hollering, “Oh, WHAT?! Come on!” before the pitter-patter of tiny dog paws could be heard amongst a few odd grunts as a tiny-twine-sized string was pulled, and a very small, but clearly large enough, gas generator sputtered to life. With that, the Table lit up again, the landmarks of Equestria clearly showing.

With a flash of blinding white light, Star Swirl appeared, his hat and cape now grey, but no-less covered in golden bells. “Behold, fools! I bring you the Elements of Harmony!” Star Swirl declared as the six symbols of Laughter, Loyalty, Honesty, Generosity, Kindness, and Magic orbited around Star Swirl’s hat, held aloft by his magic.

“Well, d’uuuuUUUUUUuuuuuh!” Pinkie said. “We only used them for the better part of four seasons…” Pinkie tilted her head and thought for a moment. “Well… three and a half, really…”

Spike shot Applejack a dirty glance. “You brought this pain upon all of us, Apple Horse.”

Applejack sighed. “Yeah, I know…” she lamented.

Star Swirl growled at Pinkie. “You will not dull my triumph, you obnoxious pink eye-so—”

‘SMASH!’

Star Swirl was suddenly knocked bell-cape over bell-hat as a massive roll of paper with black print smashed into the side of his head. Elements suddenly scattered every which direction, much to the dismay of the ponies present.

“Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Sunset in the giant crystal HIZHOOOOOUSE!” Sunset Shimmer bellowed as she swayed, stumbled, slipped, and staggered her way into the room, the five Pillars behind her in an only slightly better state.

“Hehehe! *Hick!* YESH! Yes… Shomno… Shomnu… hard-name-to-shay alsho in the—” THUD! “—here!”

...Except for Somnambula.

The others in the room immediately turned their attention to Sunset, with the exception of Sunburst and Twilight who rushed to help Star Swirl.

“What in tarnation happened to you six?!” Applejack asked.

“And why wasn’t I invited?!” demanded Rainbow Dash.

Rockhoof grinned, his steps notably more wobbly than normal. “We drank, we fought, she made her ancestors proud.”

Mage Meadowbrook stepped up as Mistmane tried and mostly failed to get Somnambula back to her hooves as Flash Magnus practically stumbled into Rainbow Dash where a pair of sad-puppy-dog eyes met him. The blue earth pony gave the group a somewhat uncharacteristically wry grin. “Rockhoof is giving you the abridged version… Sunset she, um… she kinda lost control and burned down a bar.”

“WHAT?!” the ponies exclaimed, joined by Spike whose arms were now full of the six Elements of Harmony.

“Hehehe! WHOOOSH!” Sunset said as she flung her forehooves and wings into the air before falling backward.

Sniffling under the darkness of a bed only dimly lit by sunlight peeking into the room, Oddjob rambled on in a weepy tone. “And…and… she kept on screaming…. ‘HE IS NOT AN ANIMAL’… and… and…*sniff* she broke all my glasses…and… and… SHE BURNED DOWN MY BAR!”

“I’m sorry, my little pony, but who are you?!” Celestia demanded of the mocha-colored mare who had somehow found her way under her royal bed. “Also, how did you get in here… past our guards?!”

Oddjob took a large, phlegmy inhale and tried to compose herself. “My name is Oddjob, and well… You see my parents were really into spy novels, so that’s where my name came from, but my cutie mark is like… a multi-tool, so really—”

Celestia let out a huff. “I don’t recall asking for your boring life story.”

“…Wow…” Oddjob exclaimed. “So you really are her mom…”

To the left of Oddjob, Luna shot the mare a somewhat concerned look then turned towards Celestia. “Sister, I feel we’ve left this situation go unchecked for quite long enough.”

Celestia groaned. “Well… I suppose if Sunset is in Equestria then I have some sort of parental responsibility to keep her in line,” she said in a lamenting tone.

Luna crawled out from under the bed. “And I suppose that’s as good a reason as any.”

Celestia and Oddjob likewise got out from under the bed. Celestia grimacing heavily. “Do you suspect she’s killed Star Swirl yet?” she posed with a notably hopeful tone.

“Tia!” Luna snapped.

“What?!” Celestia protested. “If she did, I’ll just pardon her! She’d be super-pardoned, big time! Besides, Star Swirl has been thought dead for over a millennium… it’d be hardly murder at all, really!”

Oddjob took a few steps away from Celestia. “Wow… Yeah… the family resemblance is… terrifying.” Oddjob swallowed. “Before you two head out and make sure erm… Sunset doesn’t set fire to the countryside in a drunken rampage…”

Luna looked down at Oddjob. “How much did Sunset Shimmer imbibe, anyhow?”

“Only like HALF my FREAKIN’ bar before it went up!” Oddjob exclaimed.

Celestia smiled proudly to herself. “That’s my girl!”

“Seriously, Tia! Focus!” Luna exclaimed. “We need to DO something.”

Celestia thought for a moment. “Okay, how about we—”

“And don’t suggest to me we let Twilight Sparkle handle everything!”

Celestia pursed her lips. “Okay, but… Starlight Glim—”

Luna buried her face in a forehoof. “Tia, stop being in insufferable douchecanoe!” Luna lowered her forehoof and gave her sister a serious look. “WE, the RULERS of this land, should do something…” She gave Celestia a somewhat saddened look. “Ponies are starting to talk about our inactivity in these situations… quite a bit, actually.”

“Ugh…. FiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIiiiine!” Celestia moaned.

“Seriously, did you clone yourself and just do a color swap?” Oddjob exclaimed. “You sound and act like a bigger version of her.”

Luna glanced back down at Oddjob. “Actually, Sunset Shimmer is adopted.”

Oddjob scoffed. “Yeah, right. I’m not buying that for a bit. Anyhow, before you two go out and like… save Equestria or whatever, as I was trying to say, I could maybe use some recompense…”

“Yes, yes,” Celestia said, “you’ll be fairly compensated.”

“Right, right… you know… for my bar… my bar that’s on fire… and also mostly gone…”

“We GET it!” Celestia growled.

Oddjob tilted her head and looked up at Celestia. “I’m not sure you do… OH! I should mention I’m really good at keeping secrets. I mean, duh! Spy character name!” Oddjob chuckled to herself as her brown eyes became unfocused and distant. “Sooo many terrible, terrible secrets…”

Celestia narrowed her eyes. “Are you blackmailing u—”

Luna quickly thrust a hoof up and covered her sister’s mouth. “We can pay you your weight in gems to rebuild and keep quiet about this event until we get a handle on the situation.”

Celestia said nothing, instead opting to glare at her sister.

Oddjob thought about this for a moment. “Can I have her weight in gems?”

“HEY!” Celestia protested.

“Deal!” Luna exclaimed.

“What?! LUNA!”

Luna let out a sigh heavy with the burdens of ruling a country or sometimes leaving a country to govern itself and all the wanton destruction that seems to happen on a near-weekly basis. “Let’s just hope we can stop Sunset before she adds ‘murder’ to her no-doubt long list of crimes she’s already committed today.”

“How drunk is too drunk to legally fly?!” Sunset asked as she careened and smashed into walls. Rainbow Dash quickly flapped out of Sunset’s way as the orange mare crashed back to the ground in a fit of laughter as she slid into a wall. “Because I am at least that drunk!”

“Get off! GET OFF!” Star Swirl demanded as he swatted at Twilight as she and Sunburst helped him to his hooves. “AND TAKE OFF MY CAPE AND HAT, STRUMPET!” he roared. “STOP SULLYING THEM WITH YOUR FOUL MARE OILS!”

Panicked look on her face, Twilight quickly removed Star Swirl’s clothing, took one more sniff, then shoved them into Sunburst’s hooves. Sunburst also took one more quick sniff before gently floating the articles away.

Glaring angrily at Twilight, Star Swirl quickly turned and trotted over to Sunset, a smile appearing on his face as he looked down at the mare. “Well, Tramp. You vowed to remove me of my dignity, but it seems you are the one who has made a fool of themselves.”

Laying facing upside-down from Star Swirl, Sunset thrust a forehoof into the air. “FuuuUUUUUuuuuUUUuuuUUUUUuuuuUUUUK YOU, you ancient fart! That’s YOUR bet to lose! I did this to MYSELF.”

Star Swirl’s smile dropped. “Indeed. I merely need to best you in combat, but, alas, in this state I feel you’d be such easy pickings tha—”

With a bright glow of her horn a scroll of a size that dwarfed even Rockhoof appeared and swung into Star Swirl so hard and so fast the wizard flew across the room and smashed into a wall.

“HAH!” Sunset exclaimed as she wobbled to her hooves. “THREE POINTS, YOU DIRTY OLD BASTARD!”

“Sunset!” Twilight exclaimed. “Show some restraint!”

“Dude! Have you MET me?!” Sunset exclaimed.

Twilight gave Sunset an unamused glare. “Starting to wish I hadn’t…”

The room went quiet aside from the jingling of bells and Sunburst’s strained attempts to get Star Swirl back up.

“Dude…” Spike uttered. “Harsh.”

“Verily,” Rockhoof agreed.

Twilight cringed at looked at Sunset. Sunset, who had suddenly lost all traces of anger and was now staring glassy-eyed back at Twilight.

“Sunset! I didn’t mean…”

“You don’t… you don’t LIKE me anymore!” Sunset cried.

“No! Sunset! I misspoke! I didn’t mean to—”

“WhouAAAAAAAAHOUAAAAAAAAAAAAHOUAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

“Wow, jeesh!” Pinkie exclaimed. “And I thought I was an expert crier, but that girl is a professional…”

“Well,” Fluttershy began, “I think there are different styles of crying… I mean… I like to cry by myself into a pillow… I like to think I’m pretty good at that.”

Rarity tittered to herself. “And there’s nothing like a good wallow-cry.”

Applejack smirked. “And I do well at crying on the inside.”

“Still, though!” Pinkie exclaimed. “I bet Sunset would win the gold medal in freestyle crying for sure!”

The other three ponies party to the conversation nodded their heads a murmured words of agreement.

“Jealous?!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash. “Who said I was jealous?!”

“Uh, literally no one, darling,” Rarity informed.

“So, uh…” Spike hefted his arms causing the Elements to jingle slightly. “Do I put these somewhere, or…”

“Sunset!” Twilight said in a pleading tone as she tried to speak to the seemingly inconsolable pony. “Sunset, I’m sorry! It’s just… I’m really stressed out with all that’s happened today, and you attacked Star Swirl AGAIN, but… I really value our friendship! You’re such an important part of me lif- ACK!”

Without warning, Twilight found herself wrapped on Sunset’s warm, booze smelling embrace. “Oh, Twilight…” Sunset murmured as she hugged with forelegs and wings. “You’re just so… sooo… so awesome. Why can’t you see it?”

“Awwwww…” Mistmane and Mage Meadowbrook uttered along with most the other mares in the room, Somnambula making her utterance from upside-down on the floor, limbs and wings spread in all directions, and Rainbow Dash abstaining. Instead, the mare was busy being covered with kissed on the right side of her face as she looked away from Flash Magnus with a look of faux anger as the smooches rained down upon her.

“Uh…” Twilight’s cheeks began to turn slightly pink. “Thanks, Sunset… You’re uh… You’re awesome, too!”

“No, but like… you’re REALLY awesome!” Sunset insisted. “Like… really…really…”

“Wow, uh… I don’t know what to say, Sunset… Like… seriously… I have no idea how I’m supposed to handle this situation… Is there a guidebook for when ponies get super drunk and huggy?”

“Okay, Twilight, but…” Sunset said in a near whisper as she moved her muzzle closer to one of Twilight’s ears.

“Uh… Yes, Sunset?”

“… That was a pretty slick burn you laid on me, for realzies…”

Twilight’s face contorted in irritation. “Okay, are you doing drunken confessions or are you playing me right now?!”

Sunset broke the hug and smiled. “Little from column ‘a’, little from column ‘b’!”

One of Starlight’s eyes twitched. “I’m glad this is all somehow important to some ponies…”

A bright white light followed by a booming voice. “THIS NONSENSE ENDS NOW! WE MUST DISCUSS NEXT STEPS TO SAVE EQUESTRIA AT ONCE!”

Starlight cringed and swallowed. “Okay, now that’s three times… I think I’m going to be sick.”

An odd focus of near sobriety came across Sunset’s face, and she spoke up, “Well, he’s right. We ALL need to talk about saving Equestria.”

The room went silent for a moment.

“Okay,” Starlight said, “Now I know I’m going to be sick…”

Star Swirl groaned. “I, as well, the Tramp’s trap smells like a distil—”

With a crimson glow of her horn, Star Swirl was suddenly airborne, and with a flicker of her magic, he soon found himself hitting a crystalline wall as his body went rag doll where a portal above him opened and hundreds of newspapers fell out to bury him.

“Nice,” Starlight said with a wry grin as the everypony else in the room tried to process what had just happened.

“Sunset!” Twilight exclaimed. “That’s too far!”

“Save it, Sparkles!” Sunset exclaimed. “I’m trying to save everypony from making a huge mistake.”

“I’m Spike, Sunset.”

“CaaarrrrRRRAAAaaaap…” Sunset turned again. “Twilight, this goes beyond Star Swirl’s treatment of everypony.”

“Uh… I’m Starlight.”

“OH! Sorry!” Sunset squinted her eyes. “You’re all very… purpley…” Sunset turned again. “Uh, Twilight?”

“Yes?”

Sunset nodded. “The Pony of Shadows isn’t just some weird dark...darkness...evil thing that showed up out of nowhere. His name is Stygian. He’s basically the founder of the Pillars who got shafted by the rest of the members for not having superpowers, so he went all super-villain.”

Twilight’s face turned a lighter shade of purple. “Wh-what…”

Behind Sunset, the other five Pillars shifted uncomfortably either standing or from the floor.

Starlight Glimmer’s eyes widened. “That… uh… yeah, I can see that happening…”

“I know, right?” Sunset replied. “It’s like Stygian has the same template tragic backstory that you and I have, but better… Well… better than yours anyhow,” she added off hoofedly.

“Hey!” Starlight protested.

Sunset continued, turning back to Spike… and then Twilight after a second of staring in the wrong direction. “So like… Star Swirl’s whole plan to send the Pony of Shadows in Limbo with the rest of the Pillars is basically those seven dealing with their big personal problem by not dealing with it at all and deciding being trapped in an empty dimension without time is preferable to actually trying to clean up their mess.” Narrowing her eyes, Sunset turned to glare at the other five Pillars. “Or did I miss something?”

More nervous shuffling of hooves ensued.

“Er,” Rockhoof began, “mayhaps we were a bit hasty to agree to Star Swirl’s first plan...”

“The plan where you all got sent to another dimension?!” Sunset snapped. “You don’t say…”

An irate pony with a beard suddenly burst from the newspaper pile. Taking a quick moment to adjust his hat and cape, he jingled over to the group. “Stygian was envious of our power!” Star Swirl declared. “He wanted more power than he had, and that desire let him down a path from which there is no return!”

Sunset and Starlight exchanged bemused glances.

Starlight spoke up, “I’m not sure whether to laugh or commit a murder.”

“I know, right?” Sunset agreed.

“Starlight, Sunset, no, stop.” Twilight uttered in a tone that was a pale shadow of the either the pleading or chastising tone she had used before when Star Swirl had been threatened.

“Come on, Twilight!” Sunset exclaimed. “This is beyond fucked up! You’ve got to see it! I see it. Starlight sees it. All of our friends see it! Even Spike sees it, and he’s been busy trying to sneak a bite out of all the elements while he thinks nopony is looking.”

All eyes in the room looked to Spike who guiltily closed his mouth and placed the element of generosity back in the pile he had collected in his arms.

Some focus came back to Twilight’s eyes. “Spike!” she said in a tone with substantially more energy behind it then she had directed at Sunset and Starlight.

“Not cool, dawg!” Order called out from the table.

“Hey!” Spike shouted in a protesting tone. “When you live in a world where shelter, money, and world-saving artifacts are often food-based, then you all can judge me!”

Rarity’s eyes lit up. “I just had an exquisite idea for edible underwear.”

Once again, all eyes in the room shifted. This time, to Rarity.

Rarity’s azure eyes took in all the faces looking at her, “But I, uh, I can see how that’s not very relevant right now.”

Sunset continued, “Twilight, you of all ponies...except Starlight and myself… should understand that it’s never too late to save somepony.”

Star Swirl spoke up, “Stygian wants to destroy all that is good in this world!”

“And a fair amount of the bad, presumably,” Sunset quipped.

Star Swirl narrowed his eyes. “There’s no way—”

“You!” Sunset interrupted. “I meant you specifically as the bad if that wasn’t clear.”

Star Swirl grit his teeth. “There’s-no-way-to-befriend-a-pony-like-that!”

Sunset rolled her eyes. “Starlight has lots of friends.”

“Hey!” Starlight protested. “Okay, while that much is true, it’s more I had some strong opinions about the Oligarchical and Aristocratic system that continues to be a toxic factor in how Equestria is run.” Starlight frowned. “I mean… I didn’t set out to destroy everything good in the world, that just would have been a byproduct of me succeeding…”

“Which time?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“... Both… Wait… Let me start all over… Uh…” Starlight turned towards Twilight. “I guess I’m lucky your idol wasn’t around when you decided to be my friend. We might’ve been banished to limbo, too.”

Twilight put on a small smile. “But that’s what I’ve been trying to say!” Twilight floated up the parchment she had discovered. “I figured out a way to make it so only the Elements of Harmony will be lost and The Pony of…” Twilight trailed off, seemingly losing steam with each word she said as all semblance of joy fled her face “...Shadows...needs to… be… banished.”

“Awwww!” Order called out from the table again. “Ya concentrated on the opposite thing ya should have concentrated on!”

Sunset narrowed her eyes at Twilight. “OH! So instead of the Pillars sharing in Stygian’s fate, it’s more like most of you are just going out and murdering somepony!”

Another ripple of tense, uncomfortable silence shot through everypony.

Mistmane pursed her lips slightly. “Well, Stygian wouldn’t be dead, exactly. Just trapped for all eternity in a dimension devoid of all substance with only his sad, tortured thoughts to keep him company…”

“...”

The glow faded from Twilight’s horn, and the long stretch of parchment floated unceremoniously to the ground as the Princess of Friendship picked a space unoccupied by any pony and simply stared into it.

Star Swirl walked over to the parchment Twilight had procured. “Why thank you, Strumpet!” he said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Without bothering to look at the scroll, Star Swirl took it in a white glow, crumpled it up with his magic, and tossed it behind him. “You’ve brought me garbage to throw away! How kind.”

Twilight said nothing. Her eyes glancing at Star Swirl being the only indication she hadn’t checked out of the conversation entirely.

“Er, Twilight?” Sunburst said. “Uh… You know what? This is actually quite nice…” Sunburst once again found himself in Twilight’s arms, but as opposed to the vice-like, rib-crunching grips of before, this was much closer to a gentle embrace as Twilight continued to stare off into space.

Starlight took in the sight of Twilight hugging Sunburst with annoyance, but then shifted her look into a glare dripping with murderous intent from her lilac colored eyes. “Now listen here you bearded flank-hole, we’ve all—” Starlight felt a tap on her shoulder and turned to see Sunset’s smiling, pleading face. “Oh, you have got to be bucking KIDDING me.”

Sunset leaned in close to Starlight and began to whisper. “Yeah, look… sorry… but you might need to tread lightly here… I mean…” Sunset pointed with a forehoof. “Just look at Twilight…”

“... That’s Spike, Sun-SPIKE! PUT DOWN THE CRYSTAL PINK BALLOON!”

“AW, man…”

Sunset frowned. “Okay, everything is like… super blurry past a certain point, so I’m going to trust you can pick out Twilight.”

“She’s almost in hooves reach of us, Sunset! And she looks… empty…”

Sunset nodded. “Yeah, I mean… I think we’re getting through to her, but this is kind of an important juncture… just… I may have already overplayed my hand… hoof?-with beating the old man even though we should totes kill him and get ultra-super-mega pardons from my Mom with glitter, but I don’t know how Twilight would react to that… My guess is, badly… so yeah… Let’s try to avoid more assault here.”

Starlight fixed Sunset with an unamused glare. “I’m judging you, Sunset Shimmer.” Starlight pointed up at her expression with a forehoof. “This is my judging face.”

“I know! I know!” Sunset replied. “But Twilight needs somepony who’s in her corner. Lord knows the rest of our friends have disconnected, Sunburst has his head so far up the old man’s ass, he can probably tell us what Star Swirl ate before being taken out of Limbo, and I’m really hoping this is a real conversation I’m having with a pony and not like… a hallucination from all the drinking I did plus maybe some smoke inhalation…”

Starlight raised an eyebrow. “Why don’t you just cast the sobriety spell on yourself?!”

“Because that’s what a quitter would do, Starlight!” Sunset exclaimed. “And Sunset Shimmer is a quittank… not quit… Sunset Shimmer doesn’t quit! Now, try to reason without violence with the old, cantankerous fool.”

“I heard that!” Star Swirl exclaimed.

“Er… We all did,” Fluttershy added. “You two aren’t really whispering so much as having a loud conversation together…”

“It’s fine!” Sunset insisted. “I’m glad all this is out in the open where it could be dealt with…” Sunset flung out her forelegs. “Now BEHOLD your new talky-champion!”

Sighing, Starlight’s horn glowed electric blue for a moment and gently shifted Sunset so her forelegs were pointed in the direction of her and not Twilight.

“Uh… BEHOLD!” Sunset repeated with more dramatics. “The pony you should currently listen to the most right now.”

Applejack frowned heavily. “Welp… we’re boned.”

Starlight’s left eye twitched. “Can you all stop high-roading me for like… 10 minutes?” She turned towards Sunset. “Applejack has a point, though. Talking isn’t really my forte, Mrs. Black Pot.”

“I deserved that… but… Try!” Sunset insisted. “For Twilight’s sake.”

Starlight let out a low growl of frustration.

“Come on! You’ve got this~!” Sunset warbled in an odd sing-song tone.

Starlight took a deep breath and let it out, glaring up at the ceiling. “FINE! But you’re taking me out for drinks after all this.”

“Deal!”

“And I get to destroy the bar!”

“… Okay, sure!” Sunset said with a smile. “That’s fair.”

Starlight turned towards Star Swirl. “Look, I know you have trouble trusting mares, despite the fact that Twilight has clearly been bending over backwards to assist you and keep you alive literally the entire time you’ve been here, but Twilight is basically the second best magic user I know.”

Sunset cleared her throat.

“Okay, third.”

It was Sunset’s turn to glower at Starlight. “No, dummy! Subtract a number! Don’t add!”

“Erm… Twilight is the best magic user I know,” Starlight clarified to an approving nod from Sunset. “The least you can do is look over the spell she has there! I mean… she did get her Princess status from completing one of your spells.”

“Yeah!” Applejack exclaimed. “Twilight never half-asses anythin’!” she Applejack.

“Yeah! She whole-asses everything!” stressed Rainbow Dash.

Spike thought for a moment. “Like… all the time,” he added. “It’s exhausting.”

Twili's friends likewise voiced sounds of agreement, save Sunburst who had, much like Twilight, zoned out, except in his case he was clearly actively enjoying the current situation.

Starlight continued, “The very least you can do is look over her spell… and uh… find a way so a poor, misguided pony isn’t sentenced to a fate worse than Tartarus!”

“But he’s a clearly Eeeeevil pony!” Star Swirl insisted.

“He hasn’t DONE anything of note!” Sunset exclaimed.

Order chimed in. “Don’t jump the race starting gate too soon, Sunny.”

Sunset’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, I am so going to get you for that…” she uttered.

Order continued. “Seems our shadowy friend has just discovered the band Limp Sea-Bizkit and he likes their music, and he’s sharing it with any pony unfortunate enough to be in his vicinity!”

A series cringes, and disgusted faces made their way through most of the ponies who hadn't been in limbo for over a century.

“We’re through the looking glass here, ponies,” Spike announced dramatically.

Rainbow Dash tightened her brow and pursed her lips. “What’s wrong with Limp Sea-Bizkit?”

Spike and the other Element Bearers all looked at Rainbow Dash in concern.

“Uh, Dashie…” Pinkie continued, “Don’t take this wrong way, but you’re never allowed to pick music for my or anypony else’s party ever.”

Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes. “Okay, but the only way to take that statement is, ‘Your taste in music sucks, Rainbow Dash, and you should feel terrible about yourself.’”

Pinkie nodded. “See! You got it!”

Rainbow Dash let out a disapproving growl.

“Okay, okay!” Starlight exclaimed. “So the Pony of Shadows is being a menace, and maybe we can like… temp banish him until we think of something better, or something...”

“Did you just cast a mind control spell on me?!” Star Swirl demanded of Starlight.

“Uh… No?” Starlight said. “I still have a slight tick on one of my eyes when I see a newspaper from the last time I tried to solve a problem with a mind control spell…”

Sunset grinned proudly to herself.

“Oh,” Star Swirl said, “I only ask because I think your solution sounds adequate and not at all a temporary, at best, solution that’s essentially just absolving me of all responsibility and making a future generation deal with the problem.”

“...”

Sunset clamped down hard on her teeth. “For the record, I’m so upset that I’d actually commit more violence except there is like a fifty-fifty chance I’m starting at Rockhoof and not Star Swirl right now.

“Verily.”

“See!”

Star Swirl looked around for the crumpled-up piece of parchment, took it in a white glow of his horn, and uncrumpled it. Floating it over to his face, he began to skim it.

To everyone’s great surprise, especially Star Swirl’s, his eyes widened. “Strumpet… You… This might actually work!”

Twilight was suddenly shaken from her stupor, her face lit up brighter than that time Rarity got into a Hearth’s Warming Eve decoration war with Vinyl Scratch and they almost burnt down the town.

Star Swirl continued, “Perhaps if this works, you’ll deserve a small note in the history books, after my grand and glorious exposée! And that’ll be the closest I get to suffer being in your presence ever again!”

Twilight suddenly let go of Sunburst. He fell with a heavy ‘thud!’ as Twilight’s expression began to change.

“Ow,” Sunburst said, “Also, awwww…” he added in a disappointed tone.

The change to Twilight’s features was sudden but ever so slight. Her eyes widened, and though still smiling, her lips pulled taut. And unbeknownst to all ponies in the room, something behind Twilight Sparkle’s eyes suddenly snapped.

All pony, save one.

Most Twilight’s friends erupted in a chorus of protests, and none protested louder or more angrily then Starlight Glimmer. “NOW WAIT A BUCKING SECOND HE—” Starlight felt yet another tap on her shoulder. Starlight wheeled on Sunset Shimmer. “Oh, COME ON! I TRIED! YOU SAW ME TRY!”

Sunset merely gave Starlight a blank look and leaned forward. “I know that look on Twilight…” she said in a hushed tone as the arguing continued.

“Look?!” Starlight turned to look at Twilight. “She looks, happy. But, uh… fake happy. And I know fake ha-Oh…” Starlight trailed off as realization stuck.

“That’s right, ‘oh,’” Sunset said. “That’s the look of a pony who just ran out of patience. That’s the look of a pony whose fresh out of fucks to give.” Sunset shook her head. “I was trying to get Star Swirl to do that, but he broke Twilight first and well… For his sake, he better hope she’s not fresh out of mercy, too.”

“So… We just… wai—?”

“ENOUGH ALREADY!” bellowed Star Swirl. “I’VE ACCEPTED THE STRUMPET’S PLAN; NOW WE MUST FIND WHERE THE PONY OF SHADOWS IS HIDING.”

Starlight sighed heavily. “I just love being interrupted! Have I mentioned how much I love being interrupted?”

Sunset chuckled. “Easy, tiger,” she soothed.

Star Swirl looked over the map on the table as the rhythmic sounds of a tiny generator continued. “Now, we must scour all of Equestria! Surely, the Pony of Shadows must be hiding amongst one of these dark places here.”

Pinkie gasped. “Then we can pair up with our respective Pillar ponies and go on several mind-blowing adventures that’ll take chapters to get through!”

A deep voice boomed from the table. “OR you can just ask the talking dog in the magic surveillance table for help!”

Pinkie puffed out her lower lip in a pout. “BuuuuuUUuuuuuUUUuut road trip!” she lamented.

“NO!” Order shouted. “Look just…”

A collection of startled “Ah!”s ran through the group as the Element Bearer’s cutie marks began to glow and vibrate. Copies of their marks flew from their flanks and shrank down, picking a spot on the table to gather around.

Spike looked at the spot where the cutie marks swirled about and pointed. “Maybe we should try there?”

“What is it, boy?!” Sunset asked with mock enthusiasm towards the table. “Is that where little Stygian is hiding down a well?!”

“Oh, for crying out loud, Sunny! That’s borderline speciesist!”

Sunset chuckled to herself. “Yeah… I know…”

Spike continued. “Those rocks kinda look like a set of interlocking shields…” His expression turned serious. “Shields that, maybe, protected the current occupant from the harsh, harsh realities of an unforgiving world that didn’t appreciate or even understand them,” he stated dramatically.

Starlight raised an eyebrow in Spike direction. “Are you method acting here, or are you not getting enough attention in the castle?”

It was Spike’s turn to put on a pout. “I miss being Twilight’s cuddle-buddy…”

“The Hollow Shades,” Applejack said before she rubbed her chin. “I think a branch of the Apple family lives there.”

Sunburst took a few gasping breaths as he practically crawled his way up by the table. “They’d have to-gasp-be pretty distant. Wheeze-The Hallow Shades was abandoned-huff-eons ago.”

Rarity glanced down at her vibrating cutie mark. “Hmm, that’s odd. The only time the map’s called all of us to one place was Starlight’s village.”

“Don’t pretend like I’m not here!” Order snapped.

Rainbow Dash floated up to the swirling mass of marks and pointed. “So it’s like a super-villain tracker!” Realization hit Rainbow Dash as she turned towards Starlight. “No offense,” she hastily added.

“Heeeeeey,” Starlight said cheerfully, “fuck you, weather station exploder,” she added, not so cheerfully.

Sunset tapped at her chin thoughtfully as her lips twisted. “Huh… Kinda starting to wish my human friends had committed some borderline terrorist acts for situations similar to this one.”

Twilight began to speak in a distant, somewhat eerie, monotone. “Do you think the map could be trying to tell us where the Pony of Shadows is?”

“I am absolutely doing that right now!” Order stated. “Do NOT run off on a bunch of time-wasting trips to try and find-Pinkie! I see you! Put down that map of Manehattan! Yes! Down, girl! Down! That’s a good girl!”

Star Swirl looked over the map thoughtfully. “Hmm… The Tree of Harmony acting to protect the light of the realm—”

“Oh my GODS, WHAT IS IT WITH YOU PONIES?!”

“…Yes. A good thought, strumpet.”

Twilight opened her mouth as if to express joy, but no sound came out.

Star Swirl examined the parchment Twilight had recovered. “I will make my notes on this spell, and therefore, improve it at least a hundred-fold… perhaps even a thousand-fold.” Star Swirl regarded those present. “Ready yourselves for battle.”

“No need!” Flash Magnus insisted. “We are all still plenty drunk!”

“Not ALL of us!” Rainbow Dash reminded bitterly.

“Oh, right…” Flash said. “Half of us will need to get plenty drunk while the other half eggs them on beyond what is a reasonable amount of alcohol.”

“Woo-whoo!” Somnambula cried from the ground as she thrust a forehoof upwards.

“Erm…uh… yes…” Fluttershy said. “Woo…”

Starlight sighed. “I know I’m not as experienced as all of you…”

“The fuck does that even mean, Starry?!” Sunset exclaimed.

“I… shut up! I’m going somewhere with this, alright?!”

“Okay, my bad!” Sunset replied. “Shutting up, now.”

“Just… is banishment really the only option?” Starlight added. “I mean, it’s been a long time. Maybe the Pony of Shadows is ready to talk?”

Sunset raised an eyebrow. “It sounds like everypony has maybe been locked in a sort of statis, but okay.”

Starlight turned and sneered at Sunset. “Not helping!” she hissed.

“Right, my bad, Spike.”

“... You did that on purpose!”

Sunset snickered. “Maaaybe…” she offered playfully.

Star Swirl scoffed. “I doubt we can save our homeland with a conversation, evil one!”

Spike raised an eyebrow. “Okay, but Twilight does that kind of a lot.”

Sunset nodded. “It’s how she saves Equestria about half the time.”

“Right!” Starlight agreed. “It’s pretty much per primary modus operandi, and it usually WORKS!”

“Starlight,” Twilight deadpanned. “I’m sure Star Swirl and the others did try.”

Rockhoof frowned. “Actually, Star Swirl threw lit matches at Stygian and called him names until he started crying, wet himself, and then ran away.”

Twilight’s left eye twitched.

Starlight tossed a wayward glance at Twilight, then looked toward Sunset. “Erm, isn’t she like… supposed to explode in fiery-rage?”

Sunset chuckled darkly. “She will. This is just the calm before the murder-storm…”

“Alright, everypony!” Order barked out. “Clear out! And don’t do anything stupid that gets rid of the elements.I have very little to entertain myself with and books are not meant for a creature my size!”

“Then we shall go to WAR!” Star Swirl exclaimed.

“That is the opposite of the thing I just said!” cried Order.

“The Pony of Shadows was not interested in reconciliation!” Star Swirl declared. “Once a villain, always a villian.”

Starlight narrowed her eyes.

Sunset just laughed to herself. “I’m sorry. I must have blundered into saving the day while trying to commit eeeevil, all those times.”

Star Swirl shot Sunset one more glare. “Sunburst, would you accompany me? I wish to refine this spell for our use away from the pollutants of mares.”

Twilight’s mouth seemed to twitch and move slightly accompanied by a soft, grinding noise.

“Oh, right… of course…” Sunburst said as he and Star Swirl vacated the room.

“Come!” Rockhoof said. “We must prepare for the struggle ahead. This involves drinking…” the giant smiled widely. “Soooo, much drinking…”

Rainbow Dash pumped a forehoof into the air. “Yes!”

“Shoot, I’m down,” Applejack said as she followed most of the other ponies out of the room. “It’s been a day…” she added as she and Pinkie bent down to each grab one of Somnambula’s forelegs and drag her out of the room.

Mistmane slapped the back of Spike. “Yes, and even a pint for our pint-sized friend here.”

“Hah! Score!” Spike exclaimed.

Rarity pursed her lips into a small frown. “Erm, perhaps I should be the last pony to bring this up, but Spike is a baby dragon still…”

“You’re right!” Flash Magnus called out from the hallway as the ponies and dragon all made their exit. “Two pints! He’s a growing boy after all!”

After a round of boisterous laughter, the room went quiet. Empty, except for the Table of Harmony and its swirling cutie marks, Sunset Shimmer, Starlight Glimmer, and Twilight Sparkle.

Starlight gave Sunset a weary glance. “So… is it okay to talk to Twilight?”

Sunset shrugged. “Should be… We’re not the two ponies Twilight is most pissed at.”

Starlight turned and nodded. “Right… So, Twilight… I know Star Swirl is a grea—” Starlight suddenly swallowed hard, her face taking on a slightly green hue. “—goo—" Starlight dry heaved. “Oka—” she collapsed to the floor and made a sickly gurgling sound.

Sunset looked down in concern. “Uh… you alright down there, Starry?”

Starlight got back up to her hooves. “It’s fine… I think I got this… I know Star Swirl is a guy who also uses magic and is of some renown.” Starlight couldn’t help but cringe at her own modestly offered sentence.

Sunset just chuckled. “Man, Starlight… that clearly cost you something…”

Starlight continued, “but this whole plan seems… wrong. The Map’s only ever sent us to solve friendship problems.”

“This is, in fact, a FRIENDSHIP PROBLEM!” Order stressed from inside table. “Do NOT do something stupid like banishing the Pony of Shadows with that poor, hapless nerd inside of it! Listen to Starli…Oh GODS, Starlight is the one talking sense! Batten the hatches everypony, it’s the buckin’ apocalypse!”

“Fuck you too, tiny creepshow peeper dog!” Starlight snapped.

“It is fine, Starlight Glimmer,” Twilight said in a near robotic tone. “Everything is going to be just fine.”

Starlight simply let out an uncomfortable, “Uhhh…”

Sunset’s forehead tightened.

“Now, friends,” Twilight continued, “if that is all, I would ask that you please leave me for a little bit.”

Sunset’s eyes shot open wide. “Oh, shit…”

Starlight’s eyes narrowed resolutely. “Not until you listen to—”

“Not now, Starlight!” Sunset exclaimed in a frightened tone. “We need to find cover!”

“Wait…” Order said from the table. “What is she…”

“Grrrreat…” Starlight said sarcastically. “More being interrupted! Just… just what I always—”

Sunset suddenly grabbed hold of Starlight. “Leave now! Be snarky to me later!”

“Okay, but—”

‘BAMF!’

“No, no, no, NO!” Order shouted. “Alexa! Raise shield.”

“Shield… By Deep Purple!”

“DAMN YOU, ALEXA! OH, FORGET IT! I’M HIDING IN THE BUNKER!”

Finally, mostly alone, Twilight’s horn began to glow magenta as her head tilted askew and began to vibrate as a light drum beat grew in volume. The drums were then accompanied by a rhythmic baseline as the glow from Twilight’s horn only increased. Some seconds later, a guitar joined the tune. Meanwhile, Twilight’s head began to shake almost violently as her horn blazed with energy that whistled a promise of destruction. A singer joined the instruments.

“Mama plays a queen on the hill built on a dream~”

“While the children play in the field~”

Then Twilight let out a scream.

A scream that was quickly cut short.

As she unmade the very air around her.