Bloody Pit of Harmony

Sawborg Destructo awoke from his drunken stupor to see the Earth in ruin. This mayhem had the hated GWAR written all over it. Giant mutant penguins were rampaging all across the wasteland, Gor Gor was sleeping on a pile of human skeletons, and mountains were crumbling in the wake of the World Maggot. But on the horizon, he saw the Scumship leaving the planet’s atmosphere. GWAR had completely forgotten about him, and were going to leave him to rot and rust on this corpse planet. No, they have left him behind for the last time. Sawborg Destructo decided he was going to look for survivors, assemble an anti-GWAR army, and destroy the wretched aliens no matter what it takes.

***

His task brought him to the heartland of Virginia to find someone who hates GWAR as much as his mechanical heart hates them. Edna P. Granbo, the hideously grotesque old lady, was sitting on her porch in her wheelchair aiming her double barrel shotgun right at Sawborg’s head.

“Git yer cyborg freak ass off of my property,” she yelled.

“I’m here to make a deal,” said Sawborg.

“I don’t deal with yer kind,” she said, cocking her shotgun.

“It involves defeating GWAR once and for all.”

“I’m in then. I’ve been nothing ever since those bastards slaughtered the rest of the Morality Squad.”

“We’re going to need more GWAR haters to make this work, though.”

“Oh,” she happily replied. “I’ve got a friend in the Vatican who could help us out!”

***

“What a pleasant surprise,” said the Nazi Pope. “Edna P. Granbo and Sawborg Destructo are among the few survivors of GWAR’s rampage.”

“Damn straight,” said Sawborg. “With Granbo’s shot gun and my saw, nothing was going to do us any harm.”

“How’d you hold your own against the penguins?” asked Granbo.

“My krosstika makes for a good weapon,” explained the Nazi Pope. “Now, why exactly have you to come to seek me out?”

“We’re going to follow GWAR to whatever twisted part of the universe they have gone, and kill those sons of bitches!” said Sawborg.

“Sound’s good. But what’s in it for me?”

“Getting to keep yer head!” yelled Granbo, aiming her shotgun at his head.

“Enough of that, Granbo,” said Sawborg. “Nazi Pope, you were never able to defeat GWAR on your own, were you? Join us, and their destruction will be imminent.”

“Sounds good;” Nazi Pope was smiling. “There is someone I know of who would definitely be willing to join us.”

***

Cardinal Syn, the giant robot, was surfing the giant, freakish waves caused by Earth’s plates getting out of whack by the World Maggot. He got on the beach to greet Sawborg, Granbo, and the Nazi Pope, who were coming towards him.

“Nazi Pope,” he said. “What’s up bro. You’re not gonna try surfing, are you? You’ll totally wipe out.”

“No,” he replied. “Me and my friends are going to follow GWAR and defeat them once and for all. You wanna join?”

“I would, but the surf here is so gnarly. Plus, they always kick my ass.”

It was at that moment that a creature most vile crawled out of the ground. He had greasy hair, zits all over him, was wearing a rare GWAR hoodie, had quite a woody, was stoned and drunk out of his mind, and in the ultimate mark of poser faggotry, had Scumdog tattooed across his neck.

“Oh God, what’s this thing doing here?” said a very weirded out Sawborg.

“I was in hell sucking on Satan’s spikey fire prick,” said the Ultimate Bohab; “when word got out that GWAR was going on a farewell to Earth tour. I bribed some of the devil guards with some anal so they’d let me out to see them. They’re not gone already, are they?”

“Holy shit,” said Cardinal Syn. “Yeah dumbass, they’re gone.”

“Oh man. Well, I guess I’ll just kill myself again, then.”

“Here’s my shotgun,” said Granbo, giving him her shotgun. “Make it quick.”

“What exactly are you guys doing here?”

Sawborg contemplated whether or not he wanted to acknowledge the Ultimate Bohab’s existence. “We’re assembling a team to destroy GWAR.”

“Oh; then where’s Skulhedface.”

“None of us have any idea where he is,” said Nazi Pope.

“I know where he is! I know everything about GWAR. If you guys are going to find them, can I join you? I never got a chance to have all of them to carve their names into my back.”

Sawborg decided that it was worth putting up with this idiot, because they could use a guy who is so obsessed with GWAR that he knows all of their weaknesses. Plus, it would be worth it to watch him get slaughtered by GWAR.

***

It was a painful journey to Skulhedface’s laboratory. The whole way, the Ultimate Bohab would not shut the fuck up about how he knew every GWAR song and how some of the zits on his body formed an acne constellation of Oderus Urungus and the Cuttlefish of Cthulu. The only reason this pathetic excuse of a lifeform was not slaughtered like most bohabs usually were at GWAR shows was because he always passed out or overdosed while waiting in line for their concert’s, thus never being able to see them live. The only reason he knew where Skulhedface’s lab was, was because he was once studied there during Skulhedface’s horrifying experiments on bohab’s, but was thrown out because he wouldn’t stop taking whatever drugs he could get his filthy hands on. Sawborg had to stop Cardinal Syn from killing him so many times on the journey there.

Skulhedface had managed to bunker down in his lab during the GWARpocalypse to avoid dying. “Greeting’s friends,” he welcomed them; “I take it you want to follow GWAR to wherever they went and end them.”

“You know it, bro,” said Cardinal Syn.

“You will all address me as Doctor Mr. Mrs. Professor Skulhedface,” demanded Skulhedface.

“And you ca suck my metal dick,” said Sawborg.

“That sound’s nice. We’ll have to occupy ourselves somehow on the long road to wherever GWAR is.”

“Allying with a cyborg freak is one thing,” said Granbo. “But teaming with a tranny he-she abomination is another.”

“Give me a couple minutes in the back seat with you, and I’ll change your mind.”

“Come on guys, we need to stay focused if we’re going to defeat GWAR,” said the Nazi Pope.

“Yeah, what he said. Now, whose ship are we taking?”

How could Sawborg not have thought that through? None of them have spaceships that could survive a journey like that. It was at that moment that Techno Destructo entered the lab.

“Wow! It’s Techno Destructo,” said the Ultimate Bohab, about to come in his pants. “I think I’m gonna have a GWARgasm!”

“Hey guys, let me kill this douche for you,” said Techno Destructo, revving his chainsaw up to slay.

“As much as we’d all love that,” said the Nazi Pope. “We need that thing.”

“I take it you guys want to kill GWAR.”

“It’s all we ever think about, dude,” said Cardinal Syn.

“Why don’t you join me?”

“How ‘bout you join us,” said Granbo.

“No,” said Sawborg. “I’m not teaming with him.”

Oh,” said Techno. “While you’ve been gathering up this sad group of clowns, I’ve been turning the feeble minds of GWAR’s already revolting slaves against them. In their arrogance, they left their slaves here to rot. Now, they are all completely dedicated to their savior, me. By now, they should have worked themselves almost to death constructing a space ship that will take us across the universe at the speed of light. We’ll take ourselves, and whatever slaves are still alive, and eradicate GWAR once and for all!”

Sawborg really didn’t like the notion of teaming with Techno Destructo, but he could not think of any other way.

***

They used the Ultimate Bohab’s GWAR sensing abilities to follow the route GWAR took to get to the far end of the universe. None of them had ever been to this part of the universe before. They came in fast, and ended up crashing far away from where GWAR landed. The crash took its toll on them. At least half of their slaves were dead or would have to be left to freeze in this winter wasteland where they landed. But the survivors would never abandon then. To the mercy of everyone involved, the Ultimate Bohab was dead to. His corpse lay in the snow, contorted so that he was sucking his own prick; the cuntiest way to die that fit this wretched creature too well.

“Well, we’re here,” said a very angry Sawborg to Techno. “Now where are GWAR.”

“I don’t know, I have no idea where anything is on this planet,” explained Techno.

Sawborg was revving up his saw to kill Techno in his anger, but Techno was ready. Before they could fight, an ominous voice was heard in the distance.

“I know where this GWAR is. I know everything about this feeble planet. I knew you guys would arrive today.” A black unicorn with a blood red horn and a flowing mane composed entirely of darkness emerged from the snow breeze. He was wearing steel armor and had a red cape on. “And I’ll take you to them and help you defeat them, under the condition that you help me take over and enslave…"