Bloody Pit of Harmony

Blothar the Berserker had never seen a place so sickeningly adorable. In a twisted kind of way, he was enjoying the beautiful trees, dirt roads, and cute pony houses on the outskirts of Ponyville. He caught a glimpse of the little multi colored ponies going about their daily activities before most of them shyed away and hid at the giant killer aliens walking down their streets. The thought of destroying such a cute and innocent society brought a blood tear down his cheek. He wiped it away before his fellow aliens, Jizmak Da Gusha and Beefcake the Mighty noticed. He remembered who he was and what would need to be dome really soon. Destruction could wait until they got high though.

“Pitiful ponies,” he yelled. “Where are the drugs?!”

A tiny pony, the same size as the ones with the clubhouse in the forest, trotted up to them. She had a white pelt, a fluffy red mane, big goofy glasses, and two candy canes on her flank. “I’m sorry misters, but nopony here has ever heard of ‘drugs.’”

“Well, we slaughtered our way out of hell, let’s do the same thing to this place,” said Jizmak, getting ready to slay.

“No, let’s not,” said Blothar, stopping him.

“Why not man, it’s all we know. Don’t tell me that you’re starting to like this place.”

“Don’t be crazy Jizmak,” said Beefcake. “In case you didn’t notice, we left all of our slaves on other planets. We were working on more brainwashing music on the Scumship anyway. Why don’t we make as much money off of this race as possible, enslave some, and then kill the rest?”

“Woah, hold on there a second.” A rainbow blitz traveling at the speed of sound flew right in front of them. It was a blue Pegasus with a messy rainbow mane. “Nopony’s getting enslaved or killed here,” she said cockily.

“Ahh, some competition,” said Blothar, excitedly.

“What exactly are you guys and where are you from?” asked the white and red filly.

“We are genocidal aliens from the planet Scumdogula. We destroyed countless planets on our way here, and will destroy countless more when we are through with you,” said Beefcake.

“Can I bring you guys in for show and tell tomorrow,” she asked.

“Yeah, sure, why not? I’ll come but my friends here might be busy.”

“You guys sure don’t seem like genocidal destructors,” mocked the rainbow haired pony.

“We got a sensitive side, just like the sad whale song,” replied Blothar.

“We’d kill all you ponies, but we want to get high first,” added Jizmak.

“Right,” said the Rainbow Pony, while rolling her eyes.

“You know what? If I get off of this planet, I swear, I’ll stop smoking krak,” said Blothar. He was trying his best to reject the adorableness of this pony town.

“Well, you see, my friend Twilight is the expert of inter planetary, other worldly, egghead stuff. I could take you to her, and she might be able to hook you guys up. Just lay off the weird ‘we’ve come to destroy you’ stuff; alright.”

“Perfect, they are giving us the perfect opportunity to kill one of their own who’s in a high position of power,” Jizmak said to Blothar.

“GWAR does not receive, GWAR takes,” replied Blothar.

“So Beefcake, you’ll come to the schoolhouse tomorrow, won’t you?” asked the white and red pony, who had been having a conversation with Beefcake while they were talking to the rainbow Pegasus.

“You got it, Twist. If we do any destroying, we’ll make sure not to do it around the schoolhouse. Don’t worry; we’ll save that torture shack for you.”

***

The three aliens followed the rainbow Pegasus through the town they were now realizing was called Ponyville. “So, what’s your name?” asked Blothar, trying not to do the whole walk in awkward silence.

“Rainbow Dash is the name, being awesome is the game,” she said. “But why do you care, if you’re just going to kill us all anyway?” She added the last in with a very sarcastic tone.

“We like to know who we’re destroying,” said Jizmak.

“It’s nothing personal. We might only kill most of you, the rest would make good slaves,” said Blothar.

“So, do you ponies really not have any drugs? I can’t kill on a full mind,” asked Beefcake.

“Dude, I have never even heard that word before,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, screw it; I might as well just kill myself now.”

“Wait man; this place might be worth it,” said Blothar.

“Yeah, and besides, if you’re going to kill yourself, we could probably sell tickets to that,” laughed Jizmak.

“You guys are weird,” said Rainbow Dash.

***

The citizens of Ponville did not seem too intimidated by GWAR. None of them approached the band, but not too many went inside their little pony houses. They definitely had their share of exposure to weirdness. Some ponies gave out a wave, and the members of GWAR returned them. They finally got to this ‘Twilight’s’ house. It was a huge tree castle made entirely of crystal. Blothar imagined how good it would look in ruins.

Rainbow Dash shared the same views of hospitality as GWAR did. She just barged right in the castle instead of knocking. GWAR followed, and were greeted by a small green and purple dragon that looked completely harmless.

“Hi Rainbow Dash; who are you’re friends?”

“They’re aliens who have come to destroy everyone. Spike, meet Blothar, Beefcake, and Jizmak.”

“What’s up dude,” said Beefcake.

“Oh no! I should get a letter to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna then,” said Spike, quite afraid.

“I wouldn’t bother Spike,” said Rainbow Dash. “I could probably take all of these guys.”

“Um, are there any more of you guys,” Spike asked timidly to the huge alien monsters.

“Yeah, but we split with some of us on the way here,” said Jizmak. “And you go ahead and bring on your princess’; GWAR will annihilate anyone in our way.”

“What’s this I’m hearing about death and destruction,” said a small purple Alicorn trotting down the stairs. “Oh, hi Rainbow Dash; who are your friends here?”

“There definitely not cool enough to be my friends Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash. “They call themselves GWAR and claim to be genocidal aliens who are here to destroy everypony.”

“Oh my gosh, real aliens; how exciting!” Twilight said and approached Blothar as if he were no threat at all. She looked at them skeptically all of a sudden. “Are you sure these are ‘real’ aliens. This looks like just costumes and face paint to me.” She used some kind of unicorn magic to float Blothar’s horned helmet off of his head.

Blothar grabbed his helmet out of the air and put it back on. “All the planets we eradicated on our way here were real enough,” he said, defensively.

“Yeah,” said Jizmak. “Name the time and place, brave pony warriors, and you guys can be on the list of race’s we’ve made extinct.”

Twilight and Rainbow Dash just looked at each other confused. “If you’re these bad ass aliens, then where’s your Spaceship?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“The Scumship was destroyed on our way here, but we’ll enslave some of you and get you ponies to build a new one,” said Beefcake.

“Bwahahaha,” laughed Rainbow Dash. “Aliens without a ship! It’s going to be so easy to beat you.”

“How about tomorrow afternoon, we meet you guys at Ghastly Gorge for a showdown,” asked Twilight.

“Sounds good, bring all the ponies you want,” said Jizmak.

“You aliens better bring an army if you want to take us down,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Hey, how about you get bigger and we can make you the new Gor Gor?” stated Beefcake to Spike. “We left him on Earth and we figure a dragon would make a good pet.”

“In the unlikely outcome of you clowns winning, you can keep him,” said Rainbow Dash.

“But I didn’t agree to that,” complained Spike.

“We’ll be on our way now,” said Blothar. “Even though pony existence is futile, we promise not to harm any of you pathetic creatures.”

And with that, GWAR exited the castle and went out to explore Ponyville. Little did they know that their actions would be monitored by Spike, who was sent by Twilight to make sure they didn’t cause any obliteration today.