Bloody Pit of Harmony

Pustulus Maximus awoke in the middle of a thin forest. A tiny yellow pony with a red mane and a big bow on its head noticed him getting up. “Oh, Pustulus, right? You’re up,” it said in a girlish voice with a southern accent.

“Ah ha,” said a yellow-brown Pegasi with a light purple mane. “He’s not dead Bonesnapper; you owe me five bits.”

“But I don’t have any bits, damnet; I’ll make him dead then,” said Bonesanapper, and then advancing in to cave his skull in.

“Nope,” said the Pegasi filly getting in his way. “No killing, looks like you’ll have to be my slave for the rest of the day when this is done then.”

“Bonesnapper, what kind of hell is this. Are we enslaved by cute tiny talking ponies now?” asked Pustulus.

“No dumbass; you overdosed on the rest of the space coke and crashed the Scumship onto this planet filled with tiny talking ponies, destroying these fillies clubhouse in the process.”

“NO,” he yelled, more distraught about being out of drugs than stranded on this pony planet. “So with no Scumship, we’ll have to conquer our way off of this planet,” said Pustulus, getting ready to slay.

“Probably, but first we gotta fix their clubhouse,” said Bonesnapper. “We’re not total dicks.”

“So start fixing,” said the pony with the bow in her hair, handing him a hammer.

Pustulus got to work building a basic treehouse. Bonesnapper had plans to make it the most dangerous treehouse ever. It was going to have missiles and bullets shooting out of it, destroying any other treehouse that stands in its way.

“So, what exactly are you guys supposed to be,” asked a tiny white unicorn with a curly pink and purple mane in a high pitched voice. “I tried asking Bonesnapper, but he’s not being very talkative.”

“Sorry ‘bout that, he’s a huge cocksucker. We are GWAR, genocidal aliens who destroy entire galaxies for breakfast. Since we are on your planet now, extinction is imminent.”

“Imminent for you guys,” laughed the Pegasus. “Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and the rest of them destroy bad guys like you for breakfast.”

“Is there anything else you do,” asked the unicorn.

“On our last planet, we put on these brutal ass rock concerts all over it before we got bored and destroyed it,” answered Pustulus.

“So, you guys wrote songs!?” asked the unicorn, excitedly.

“Well, it was more like brainwashing noise meant to hypnotize bohabs into giving us there money and killing themselves,” answered Pustulus.

“Oh,” replied the unicorn, a little sadly.

“But I guess that’s really what music is all about, since the beginning of time, no matter what planet you’re on,” said Pustulus, trying to cheer her up. “Why do you ask little filly, do you want legions of mindless zombie fans to command through music.”

“Yes! I mean, kind of. I love writing songs but I don’t really care about the mindless zombie fans part,” said the unicorn. “But I’m not that good at it sometimes.”

“Well, you could always join our crew; we could always use more members. And besides, if you’re in a creative slump, just do a bunch of kick ass drugs to get your inspiration up. The masses love stupidity.”

“What’s a drug?” asked the unicorn.

Pustulus was frozen in fear for a moment. “Bonesnapper,” he called out. “Are you sure we have not died and went to some hell?”

“You’re going to if you’re not going to help me with the clubhouse,” said Bonesnapper.

“Being a prick as usual,” said Pustulus. “Well, we may as well get to know our masters better.” He turned to the three ponies. “Who are you guys?”

“I’m Applebloom,” said the pony with the big red bow in her mane. “And these are Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle,” she said, pointing to the Pegasus and unicorn.

“Together, we are the Cutie Mark Crusaders,” said Scootaloo, flapping her tiny wings.

“Cutie Mark Crusaders?” asked Pustulus.

Sweetie Belle pointed to a shield they all bore on their flanks, bearing a musical note, lightning bolt, and apple. “We go around Ponyville, helping other ponies get their cutie marks and finding their place in the world.”

“I should have a cutie mark in killing!” announced Pustulus.

“No, you should have a cutie mark in crashing spaceships,” joked Scootaloo, not taking him seriously at all.

“Speaking of that, how about helping me out, you lazy piece of shit,” said Bonesnapper. He was rigging the weapons of the Scumship into the defense systems of the new and improved crusader clubhouse.

“Nah, Pustulus don’t to slave work,” bragged Pustulus, before turning to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. “How about we leave Bonesnapper to this crap, and we can all go and jam together.”

The three fillies decided that was a good idea.

***

Rarity was finishing her work at the boutique for the day. She was putting the finishing touches on a dress, when Sweetie Belle came home.

“How was your day?” asked Rarity.

“Kick ass big sis,” said Sweetie Belle. “We rocked with an alien and now our clubhouse can kill anypony who we want dead! Hey, can you get your guitar and start shredding; I got some nice lyrics to slay with.”

Sweetie Belle then started screaming a horrifying song about killing every living thing in Equestria. She was horrified at her little sister and wondered if this alien was related to the aliens that Rainbow Dash said they’d be fighting tomorrow.