Fluttershy and the Janitor

That weekend, the group of them journeyed out to where Fluttershy’s house supposedly was. It was not an easy trip, as the distance was too far to walk. Since an elk was not available for them to all ride (few elk were large enough for six girls), they had to take a car. Big Mac’s truck had apparently split in half, so they were forced to take Pinkie Pie’s family’s minivan. It was, needless to say, unpleasant. Everything was sticky. Nobody asked with what.

In time, the group of them reached the house. Almost immediately, they got out- -save for Rainbow Dash, who had adhered entirely to the back seat and was working on extricating herself- -stared past the gate.

“That’s Fluttershy’s house?” asked Sunset.

“I…I had no idea,” said Twilight.

“Well dress me in buttless chaps, slap me with a fish, and call me Celestia,” swore Applejack under her breath, scratching her head. Rarity, meanwhile, was speechless.

They had all expected some sort of small, cozy cottage. That would have been logical. Fluttershy lived out in the woods, far from town and amongst animals in nature. A cottage would have been appropriate. What they found in its place, though, was not appropriate at all.

The forest gave way to a vast clear patch of land, one that seemed more substantial than most of Applejack’s family farm. It rose into a hill, atop which sat the most vast house that any of them had ever seen.

“She…she lives in this?” said Rarity at last. “How…how could she…”

“Afford the heating bill?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“NOT TELL ME!” screamed Rarity. She grabbed the rungs of the ornate, expensive gate and shook it violently. “The wealth! The opulence! The SOCIETY! How- -how did I never know! I could have been going to rich people parties!”

“You mean you didn’t know,” said Rainbow Dash, finally pulling herself free from the backseat of Pinkie’s Car. “Luna’s narrow butt, Pinkie, what is this, glue?”

“Don’t ask me. It only gets like that after my parents use the minivan.”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened, but she did not have time to consider what that meant beyond a deep and instinctual feeling of revulsion. Rarity instead grabbed her lapel and shook her.

“You KNEW!”

“Yeah! It’s not uncommon!” said Rainbow Dash, pushing Rarity away.

“What’s not uncommon?” asked Sunset.

“Cloudsdale doesn’t really have good high schools. Sometimes the students come here to go to Canterlot High, but their families have to stay in Cloudsdale. Fluttershy’s dad- -he’s a cool dude- -he’s too close to retirement at the factory, so he couldn’t leave.”

“But you’re from Cloudsdale.”

“Yeah. And I live in a basement apartment.”

“But then why the buck is it so darn big?”

Rainbow Dash blinked. “Seriously, you don’t know?”

“If I knew, I wouldn’t be askin’, now would I?”

“Unless you were testing us,” said Pinkie. “My parents try to test me all the time! But I keep telling them, ADD isn’t a real disease, it’s made up by liberals! Or at least that’s what the little goblins that live in my cupcake pantry keep whispering to me late at night…”

“I don’t know if I should tell you if Fluttershy didn’t, I don’t know- -”

“Tell me those secrets that I might be opulent and fashionably wealthy!” cried Rarity, again shaking Rainbow Dash by the lapel.

“Stop shaking me, you’re going to give me ANOTHER concussion!”

“Oop,” said Rarity. She released Rainbow Dash again. “Sorry.”

“Fine,” said Rainbow Dash. “The house is a gift from Fluttershy’s mother.”

“Her mother?” Sunset looked confused. “But you said her father works in a factory.”

“Wow. Land must be really cheap out here.” Pinkie looked around. “There isn’t, you know, an Indian burial ground under it or something? Because curry gives me gas.”

“Her adoptive father,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Fluttershy is adopted?!” cried Rarity. “I need to faint…” She looked down at the ground and grimaced. “…though perhaps I will wait until we’re over some slightly cleaner ground.”

“Yeah. Adopted. She doesn’t like to talk about it. But her biological mother’s covering her education. Tuition, housing. She gets an allowance each month. A big one.”

“How big?”

“Big. Gives it all to charity, though. It’s why she wears the same white shirt every day.”

“But then how rich is her mother?”

“She’s some CEO or something for Tartarus Corp.”

Rarity gasped extremely deeply. Birds flew from trees nearby. “You don’t mean…it isn’t S. Veil, is it?”

“I don’t even know who that is.”

“She’s the only one of the most successful businesswomen of the modern era! I’ve read several of her books!” Rarity paused. “Actually, I’ve been trying for an internship in Tartarus Corp’s textile development division for some time.”

“I didn’t know you had an interest in business,” said Sunset.

“Why of course, darling! Fashion is truly my passion, but making the clothing is only one part of a very complex industry!”

“Did you get in?”

“Get in what?”

“To the internship.”

“No,” sighed Rarity. “It’s terribly challenging.” Her face brightened. “But now that I know Fluttershy has my in, I’m sure to get it for sure.”

“Yeah, no,” said Rainbow Dash. “Have you ever seen Fluttershy angry?”

They all stared at her. “Is that even possible?” asked Applejack.

“Only if you hurt an animal or talk about her biological mother. So don’t. Or she’ll shank you. Seriously, I’ve seen it. She will.”

“That sounds a bit out of character,” said Twilight.

“Indeed,” said Rarity. “Although if she is that sensitive about it, I don’t think I would like to…um…Twilight?”

“Yes?”

“How did you get on the other side of the fence?”

The group turned to Twilight, who was indeed standing on the other side of the gate and looking back at them. “Oh,” she said. She pointed to an area where the lock of the gate had been reduced to a puddle of molten metal. “A 1:1 ratio of ferric oxide and finely powdered aluminium, ignited by a magnesium fuse. I opened the door…with science!”

“You do realize it was unlocked, right?” said Rainbow Dash. “Fluttershy doesn’t lock her gate. The animals can’t get in if she does.”

“Yeah,” said Pinkie. “If she did, we wouldn’t be in this situation, would we?” She leaned close to Sunset. “When I said ‘gate’, I meant her- -”

“I know what part of her you meant,” said Sunset. She shuddered. “I’d rather not think of that particular part of Fluttershy.”

“Well, at least we can get in,” said Applejack, pushing open the gate. “So. Are we going to go?”

“Hold on!” Rarity went to the back of the minivan and opened the trunk. “I have something that I want to take if we…” She trailed off and stared into the trunk. Maud stared back. They both stood in silence for a moment, and then Maud slowly lifted Rarity’s bag.

“Thank you,” said Rarity. She took the bag hesitantly, and then closed the trunk. “Well…yes. I have this bag. So we can go now.”

They proceeded up the path. As they did, they were struck by the sheer amount of wildlife that surrounded them. There were deer, pheasants, cows, goats, skunks, rabbits, antelope, and strange fuzzy things that even Twilight could not identify.

What they did come to identify quickly, though, was that a car was parked in the top of the driveway. This was initially surprising, both because it meant that someone was here other than Fluttershy and because it implied that they could have driven up the driveway rather than nearly killing Rarity- -who had the muscular consistency of a marshmallow- -by way of winding on the way up.

“What in the wide world of wherever we are is THAT?!” asked Rainbow Dash, looking disgusting.

Indeed, it was a strange vehicle. As they drew closer, though, they could see that it was essentially the front end of a Yugo grafted onto the rear half of a Pinto. Flames had been painted on it- -badly, with spraypaint- -and they were backward, coming from the rear toward the front as though the back were on fire. Considering the fact that the rear end was from a Pinto, that was oddly appropriate.

“I saw that car in the staff lot,” said Sunset. “I think it belongs to- -”

She was interrupted as Rarity pulled her and all of the group behind a large shrub. Several hundred songbirds swarmed out of the bush from the sudden start.

“Rarity, what the buck?” cried Rainbow Dash.

“That must be Discord’s car!” she hissed. “It’s too late! He’s already here! He’s probably defiling her innocence at this very moment!”

“So why are we hiding behind a bush, then?”

“We don’t want him to see us! In fact…” Rarity reached into her bag and pulled out a mass of well folded but extremely insubstantial black fabric. “I thought this might happen.”

“What is that?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Stealth suits. I made them in advance. So we can catch him in the act!”

“I don’t want to catch either of them in the act! That’s super gross!”

“Well you have to if you want to save our friend’s feminine honor! Now put on the spandex before I PUT IT ON YOU!”

They looked at each other, and did as they were told. Within less than a minute, they were all wearing form-fitting black cat suits.

“Aww, come on!” cried Rainbow Dash, looking at the chest of her suit. It was perfectly flat. “Rarity, you made mine wrong!”

“I do not make things wrong!” She turned to Twilight. “Twilight, aren’t you going to use yours?”

“I don’t have to.” Twilight smiled, and then pulled off all her clothes.

“Gah!” cried the other. “Twilight, no! We don’t want to see you…naked?”

Twilight was, in fact, not naked. Instead, she was wearing a futuristic looking leotard.

“Oh my,” said Rarity. “Darling, what is that?”

“My latest project,” said Twilight, grinning. “Polychromatic responsive textiles. It matches light from the surrounding area through a magnetic distortion field and modulates it through a flexible, wearable computer membrane linked to points of the user’s fundamental physiology- -”

“In English?” said Applejack.

“Or Flemish, maybe?” said Rarity.

Twilight frowned and sighed. “It’s an invisibility suit.”

“No way,” said Rainbow Dash. “No friggin way!”

“Yeah,” said Pinkie Pie. “Come on, Twilight, that’s not realistic at all.”

“Not realistic? I built a device that could contain and manipulate magical energy out of spare electronic parts! I think I can use the same technology to build an invisibility suit.”

“More importantly,” said Sunset. “Were you just wearing that under your clothes?”

“I always wear it under my clothes,” said Twilight, jumping with joy. “I’ve just been waiting to field test it!”

“You haven’t tested it? Maybe you should- -”

It was too late. Twilight activated the suit. It immediately shimmered, and then to the amazement of all present became completely invisible. This was somewhat unfortunate, though, as it did not make Twilight invisible by extension. Instead, she was left standing outside wearing completely transparent and imperceptible clothing.

“Oh,” she said, looking down at her now naked body. “Huh. That wasn’t supposed to happen. But it really did turn invisible, though. So I guess it’s a partial success.”

“Twilight!” cried Rarity, on the verge of fainting. “You’re- -NUDE!”

“You look like a giant plum,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Yup,” said Twilight. “Just a whollllle lot of purple.” She looked up. “What? Come on, it’s not like all of you haven’t seen me naked before.”

“I- -I never did!” cried Rainbow Dash, turning bright red. “I’m not into girls! I don’t enjoy this at all!”

“We took a shower next to each other after gym class yesterday.” Twilight paused. “Actrually, come to think of it, you never bathe. That was kind of weird.”

“It’s weirder that you’re just standing there like that,” said Sunset. “I mean, I thought you’d be freaking out. This is actually pretty impressive.”

“I think it’s because I can still feel it,” said Twilight, twisting herself around. “You know, maybe people hate being naked because it’s so drafty.”

“I like being drafty,” said Pinkie Pie. “It’s why I never wear panties. Look it up, it’s canon. But this…” She looked down at herself. “This is still cool. Look how big it makes my butt look!” She laughed.

“I think I might take one of those after all,” said Twilight. Rarity, now thoroughly unnerved, handed her one.

They split into groups of two to cover as much ground as possible. Twilight and Sunset went toward one of the outbuildings while Rarity and Pinkie Pie attempted to go around the back. Rainbow Dash and Applejack, being the bravest of the two, attempted to find their way inside.

Twilight and Sunset reached the outbuilding first. They realized quickly that it was a kind of barn for storing animal feed.

“There’s no one inside,” said Twilight, peering into the darkness. She paued. “Hmm. I guess we could check her shed.”

“I have misgivings about that,” said Sunset. “Big ones.”

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Twilight passed by the barn. Sunset moved to follow, but jumped as she felt something against the back of her neck. She turned suddenly, thinking that she was under attack, and found an enormous horse looming over her.

Sunset’s breath immediately caught in her throat. He was an astounding specimen: some derivative of a Clydesdale, brushed perfectly and maintained in peak physical health. Sunset could not help but feel her eyes wandering over his dark brown, silky smooth coat and the firm, rippling muscles beneath it.

“Holy buck,” she whispered to herself. The horse snorted in return and lowered his head. Sunset put her hands up and ran her fingers through his long mane. By this time, she was sweating profusely.

“Sweet Celestia’s you-know-what,” she whispered. She lowered her head and looked between the horse’s legs. “You’re not a gelding either,” she said. She felt a twinge in her chest, and looked down to realize that wearing spandex was not ideal for her current mood. “You have no idea what it’s like here,” she said to the horse, running her hands against his muscular body. “Having to live with these hideous monkey people…but you…you’re damn sexy…”

“Sunset?” called Twilight. Sunset nearly jumped.

“You check out the shed,” said Sunset. “I have to do…something…”

Twilight shrugged and went on her way, and Sunset and the horse made their way toward the barn.

Rarity and Pinkie Pie had nearly made their way to the back of the house when they heard a sound that confirmed Rarity’s worst fears.

“Get down!” said Rarity, motioning for Pinkie to duck into a shrub.

“Sure,” said Pinkie Pie. She proceeded to start dancing, forcing Rarity to pull her down.

“Did you hear that?”

“The voices telling me to cover you in peanut butter roll you down a hill covered in those little fake bacon bits? Facon bits!”

“No!” Rarity hushed Pinkie. “I heard Discord!” She peered through the bush. “I can’t see anything!”

“I certainly can,” said Pinkie. She was looking at her own butt. “Oh man…I wish I was Discord. I’d pour chocolate milk on me and pinch that thing all day…”

Rarity poked Pinkie Pie, causing her to giggle and then become silent. They both listened.

“Oh, Discord,” said Fluttershy’s voice from behind the house. Neither of them could see her clearly, nor could they see Discord, but the sound carried well through the open windows. “This is exactly what I needed!”

“I aim to please,” said the pervert.

Fluttershy giggled. “You’re so dirty!”

“Only because you asked me to be. Now…if you don’t mind…can I come inside?”

Rarity gasped and nearly fainted.

“Here? Now?” Fluttershy sounded as though she were panicked. “No, wait, I’m not ready!”

“I’m going to,” said Discord, “and I’m going to use your back door!”

At this point, Pinkie Pie’s full attention was devoted to listening. Although she did not admit it, she suddenly found herself wishing that she and Fluttershy could change places.

“No, you can’t! No, please, not that!”

“I’m going in!”

“Nooo! You’re not going to fit!”

“Ugh…it is a little tight…but I think…yes! YES! I’M IN!”

“Discord!” cried Fluttershy. There was a long pause, and then she spoke again, sounding distressed. “Oh my…It’s everywhere…”

Rarity had promptly fainted, and Pinkie Pie had done something that is not permitted to be described in this sort of story. Meanwhile, inside the house, Fluttershy was fetching a mop. Discord closed the back door to her house behind him and stepped into the kitchen.

“Try not to move,” said Fluttershy. “You’ll track more mud.”

“Can I at least put this down?” said Discord, gesturing to the large wooden box he was holding. “I barely managed to get it through the door, but it’s awfully heavy. Not that I’m not strong enough to hold it, of course. Why, I’d hardly say you’ve ever met anybody as strong as me.”

“On the counter is fine,” said Fluttershy, pointing toward the space next to her kitchen sink and the window that overlooked her now well-weeded garden. Discord set the box down and Fluttershy looked in.

“Oh, Discord,” she said. “You got so many!” she ran her hand through the preponderance of vegetable matter, and then turned to him. “I just can’t thank you enough! I’m just so small weak, and the garden just overtook me!”

“Oh, it is not a bother at all!” said Discord, wiping his dirty forehead with a gloved hand. “I am a trained groundskeeper, after all! I keep ground! Usually in little jars that formerly contained jelly. I do enjoy jelly. Or…” He leaned closer. “…butter.”

Fluttershy giggled. “Oh, Discord, you’re so silly!”

“I do like butter!” protested Discord. He picked up a buttercup from the box and held it under his chin. “See?”

“Oh! Try me!” Discord held out the flower. “Do I like butter too?”

“Actually, I can’t tell. You’re already the color of butter. Which is kind of weird. Have you been checked for jaundice?”

“Several times. But that’s okay.” Fluttershy reached into the box. “These weeds will make great meals for all of my little animal friends!”

“Personally, I would have smoked them,” said Discord, shrugging.

“Like cheese?”

“Um…sure.” Discord looked out the window. “I actually saw some of your horses out there.”

“My mother’s, actually,” said Fluttershy, darkly. “Have you ever heard the legend of Catherine the Great?”

“No.”

“Then don’t. You wouldn’t like it. That said, they’re direct descendants of Felarof. I make sure to take very good care of each and every one of them.”

“You certainly do love animals, don’t you.”

“Of course!” Fluttershy paused. “Actually, I know some you would just adore! Why don’t you use my shower, and then I can show you.”

“It would be my pleasure,” said Discord, bowing ornately. “Although, if I might ask, do you have anything to drink?”

“You mean like cider?”

Discord blinked. “You have cider?”

“I have a lot of things. I don’t use most of them, so you’re welcome to anything you want. Here, let me show you my pantry.”

“Any tofu sausage?”

“Um…I think so?”

Fluttershy led Discord into another room. Unbeknownst to her, Rainbow Dash and Applejack had just entered that room through the main window to it. Unbeknownst to either of them, the front door was actually unlocked and they could have walked in without difficulty.

They immediately heard Fluttershy and Discord’s voices as they approached.

“Oh my!” said Discord. “My dear Fluttershy, you mean you’ve never done it?”

“Well, no,” admitted Fluttershy.

“Oh! It’s just so hard to believe that a girl like you has never once had a sausage in her mouth!”

“It always sounded so gross to me…”

“Well, it may be. But I’ll teach you how to enjoy it. I promise…”

“That son of a…” swore Rainbow Dash. She rushed forward, but Applejack grabbed a hold of her.

“They’ll see us!” she hissed. “Get over here!”

Just as Discord and Fluttershy entered the room, the pair of them ducked into a closet.

“But he was talking about making her blow his- -”

Applejack silenced Rainbow Dash by picking up an apple and shoving it into her mouth. It was something she did often to people at various times, in part because of a strange fetish for seeing apples forcibly inserted into people’s orifices.

“Don’t worry, Fluttershy,” said Discord, approaching the closet where Applejack and Rainbow Dash were hiding. “I’ll show you every single thing you can do with a long, greasy sausage.”

“I don’t know if I want to know.”

“You’ll see.” To Rainbow Dash and Applejack’s horror, the door to the pantry opened slightly. A long, thin hand reached in. “Now, let’s see,” he said. “Cider, cider…I know it’s in here. I can smell it. And something like…is that skittles?”

Rainbow Dash grunted against the apple in her mouth. As she did, Discord’s hand touched her. She froze in panic, immediately feeling disgusted and violated as it moved up to her chest area.

“Oh my!” said Discord. “Fluttershy, I must compliment you on your choice of architecture!” His hand moved around on Rainbow Dash’s chest. “The plywood in this cabinet! It’s so very smooth and flat! Why, not even the slightest lump or bump or inconsistency! I consider myself something of a connoisseur of wood, after all.”

“I’ve seen your wood,” said Fluttershy. “Lots of times.” Referring, of course, to the collection of antique boards that Discord had kept in the boiler room at school.

“Oh, I’ll show you soooo much more wood. You don’t really have a choice. Once I get excited, well, I just can’t help myself.” Discord’s hand moved again, leaving Rainbow Dash and reaching toward Applejack. Applejack, not being one who liked being touched, reached behind her and grasped a bottle of cider. She pressed it into Discord’s palm.

“There it is!” he said, pulling it out. “I’m just so parched after playing in your garden. Planting some seed is horribly tiring work, after all.”

“I mostly just sat there and watched,” admitted Fluttershy. “But even I’m feeling a little tired.”

“Well, you take a break then. I’m going to take you up on that shower so I can be squeaky clean and not smelling like a dead body which had been exercising. Then you can show me something…”

The pair of them left, and Rainbow Dash and Applejack fell out of the closet. Rainbow Dash said something angrily, but then realized she still had an apple shoved in her mouth. She pointed at it and grunted.

“You have hands,” said Applejack. “Use them for something other than…whatever you use your hands for.”

Rainbow Dash seemed not to have realized this, and she reached up and removed the apple from her mouth. “Ah!” she cried. “I can’t believe it! He touched me! I’ve been molested!”

“Why? It’s not like he touched anything, you know, that existed.”

“They do exist, they’re just small, okay?! I’m a late bloomer and very athletic, so I’m developing slow! There’s nothing wrong with that! We can’t all be like Fluttershy!”

“Well that part of Fluttershy’s getting’ her in hot water right now! Come on! We have to follow them! Maybe we can manage to save her!”

“Yeah…if I get my hands on that son of a Celestia, I’ll wring his stupid little neck for putting a single finger on my Fluttershy…”

“Your Flutterhy?”

Rainbow Dash blushed profusely. “I mean our Fluttershy. The Fluttershy. A Fluttershy. Sorry. Stressed.”

“Being in the closet stressed you?”

Rainbow Dash sighed. “You have no idea.”

Pinkie Pie was able to enter the house next. She had left Rarity in the bush because despite her relatively thin figure Rarity was surprisingly heavy. Pinkie Pie took that into consideration and made a mental note of it, resolving to put it in her notebook later. She had been trying to track just how easy or hard her friends were to move while they were unconscious. There was no surprise party, after all, like one you woke up to in a different place than where you had started.

While Rainbow Dash and Applejack were becoming confused and lost in the hallways and corridors of Fluttershy’s mother’s massive summer home, Pinkie Pie did not falter. Her vision was not actually all that good; she had spent her formative years mining crystals deep in various caves. Generally, she navigated by scent alone.

This was, of course, challenging, as there was a smell of cake that was distracting her as well as a scent of something else. It was lower, and distant, covered by cleaning chemicals but still pungent. It was a bad smell, and Pinkie Pie did not like it.

She was led by her nose to a large door, and upon opening it, found the second most enormous bathroom she had ever seen. Everything was done up in ornate pink and green marble, all spaced and decorated with perfect attention to the grain. Had Maud been present, she would no doubt have stripped naked and lain quietly on every surface of it. To Pinkie Pie, though, it all looked kind of like ice cream.

In the center sat a bathtub the size of a moderate-sized swimming pool, and on the edge of that stood Discord, preparing to step in. He dipped one toe into the water first to check the temperature, and as he did Pinkie Pie realized that he was naked.

Her eyes widened and she inhaled sharply. “Holy cream-filled cannoli,” she whispered. “I suddenly understand you Fluttershy…” Pinkie Pie hesitated, and then stepped forward. She was not making any attempt to hide herself.

“D…Discord?” she said. “Hey, I know this sounds strange, but you should totally dump Fluttershy…and have a PINKIE PIE instead!” She giggled. “I don’t wear panties- -it’s canon!- -and my skin literally tastes like sweet, sweet sugar on account of the uncontrolled diabetes. Plus, I’m a year younger than Fluttershy! So what do you say? How about giving me some of that chocolate milk?”

Discord stepped into the water. “Huh?” he said, turning around. He looked at Pinkie Pie- -or rather past her. “Oh,” he said. “I left the door open. There’ll be a draft.” He shrugged. “Oh well. I’m not going to try to avoid it. I’m no draft dodger.”

He then turned away and slid into the bubbly froth of the bathtub.

“Wait!” cried Pinkie Pie, running to the edge. “You can’t ignore me like that!”

Discord continued to ignore her and produced a small toy boat, which he began playing with.

Pinkie Pie did not understand at first- -but then she understood. She grabbed at the black spandex she was wearing. “Of course! Rarity made the sneaky-suits too well! He can’t see me! I’m camel-flagued!” She looked down a little further. “And camel-toed, actually…” She swore. “Gosh darn it, why do I have to look so good in something he can’t even see!”

“Huh,” said Discord, eying several bottles of shampoo. “I never get shampoo…I wonder…” He took a bottle, opened the cap, and started drinking it.

Pinkie Pie gasped. “You like shampoo too? I love shampoo! Especially the kind that looks like a weird little fish!”

Discord grimaced. “Well, it tastes like Fluttershy, I guess.”

“Come on!” cried Pinkie Pie. “See me! You seem like such a fun guy! We could have chocolate milk and glue cereal to each other and there would be CANDY- -” she gasped. “I bet you have a van full of candy! I want it, I want it NOW!” She promptly slipped and fell into the soapy water.

“What was that?” cried Discord, looking at the splash. He looked around as Pinkie slowly rose out of the water so that only her eyes and the top of her head were exposed, like an alligator or Richard Nixon.

“I’ll just watch you then,” whispered Pinkie. “But just you wait…you’ll be tied down in my secret party basement before long…”

It was nearly a half hour before the group of black-clad friends regrouped somewhere in one of the lower floors of Fluttershy’s house underneath the portrait of a very pale and sickly looking man with kind eyes.

Not all of them were in the same condition that they had started. Rarity had been lying in the mud and was dirty and covered in small prickers and thorns. Pinkie Pie was soaking wet and dripping from having been staring at Discord naked, and Sunset’s clothing and hair were both extremely disheveled. She looked far more tired than the others, but also strangely satisfied. Twilight, meanwhile, just looked traumatized.

“Twilight,” said Pinkie Pie, “you look traumatized.”

“I saw…what’s in her shed…”

“What was in it?”

Twilight did not respond.

“You think you’re traumatized? I got felt up!” cried Rainbow Dash.

Rarity gasped. “Applejack! How could you!”

“It wasn’t me!” retorted Applejack. “At least not the first time…and the second and fifth times were both accidents!”

“We don’t have time for that!” Rarity turned to the others. “Have any of you seen anything?”

“I’ve seen a loooottttt of things,” said Pinkie Pie.

“So did we,” said Rainbow Dash. “He was in the pantry, talking about making Fluttershy eat his sausage!”

Rarity gasped. “How disgusting! How lewd!”

“Wait a minute,” said Sunset. “She was in the pantry. Isn’t it possible he was just going to get, you know, actual sausage?”

They all looked at her. “Sunset, you’re talking crazy,” said Applejack. “I know what I heard.”

A sudden cry came from overhead. They quickly resolved that it was Discord howling with laughter.

“Discord!” cried Fluttershy, sounding utterly embarrassed. “Don’t laugh at it!”

“I can’t help it, it’s just so- -HOOO HAAA! I’ve never- -I can’t- -”

“It’s not like you’ve ever seen a beaver before!”

The entire group gasped. “That lecherous pervert!” cried Rarity. “He’s looking at her- -at of all things- -DISGUSTING!”

“But looking at one up close, not often,” said Discord. “And a PINK beaver!”

“Dissscord! Don’t be so mean!”

“I just can’t help myself! Pink! PINK!” He chortled and bellowed with laughter again. Then there was a pause. “I say we shave it!”

Fluttershy cried out. “You can’t do that!” she screamed. “You can’t shave my beaver!”

“But I want to take all that silky smooth pink fur and show it to my comrades! They’ll never believe me otherwise!”

“Well you can’t have my beaver fur! I let you get away with a lot, but that’s final! I mean, what’s the point in having pink hair if nobody gets to see it?”

Discord sighed loudly. “I suppose you’re right.”

In the room over the others, Discord set the buck-toothed creature down at the edge of the artificial pool where it lived with its more traditionally colored friends. It looked up at him curiously. It really was a strange creature, though. According to Fluttershy, it belonged to a profoundly rare and endangered species. It had been smuggled into the country illegally, and Fluttershy had been tasked with rehabilitating it along with the others before they could be returned to the wild.

The rodent turned away from Discord and slid into the water of the artificial pool. Discord shuddered. “Oh my,” he said. “Fluttershy, it looks like your beaver is all wet.”

“That’s okay,” said Fluttershy. “It’s supposed to be.” She then stood up and tossed some beaver food into the water, and the creatures swarmed on it, pulling the carrots and small nuts under the water and taking some back to their lodge. “But it was pretty, wasn’t it?”

“I’ve seen a lot of beavers in my time,” said Discord, thinking back to his youthful days as a rough and rebellious plumber in northern Canada. “But that was by far the prettiest.”

“Oh, why thank you!” said Fluttershy. “Maybe next time you come over I can let you play with my kitty!” Referring, of course, to one of the numerous elusive felines that lived with her in addition to the rest of her menagerie.

“Come over again?” said Discord, wide-eyed, as the pair of them left the beaver room and went to a higher level through a narrow staircase.

“Well, of course! This big house…it gets so very lonely. I would move, but I need space for all my animal friends. And having you here…I guess it makes me feel a little better. I don’t know if you understand.”

“My dear Fluttershy,” said Discord, “if there is one thing I understand, it is loneliness. I know I tend to be a bit…eccentric, and that scares a lot of people away. I know the feeling of being alone in a house, just sitting there with your thoughts…although admittedly in a substantially smaller house.”

“Well, if you’re not busy next weekend, you can come over for tea.”

“Tea?”

“Do you not like tea?”

“Oh, no, I simply ADORE tea!” Discord tried to hide a tear from one of his eyes. “But I simply never had anyone ask to share any with me before.”

“Well what are we supposed to do now?” asked Applejack.

“I think it’s too late to save Fluttershy’s beaver,” said Pinkie Pie. “By this time, it’s probably shaved smooth!”

“Of all the things!” fumed Rarity. “Having inappropriate relations with her is one thing, but threatening her hair!”

“It’s not that kind of hair,” said Rainbow Dash.

“It doesn’t matter! It’s ESPECIALLY true for that hair!”

“What hair?” asked Twilight. “What are we talking about?”

They all looked at her and suddenly recalled that she was not only younger than even Rainbow Dash but the least developed of them all. She actually did not know.

“You’ll see in about a year,” said Applejack. “Trust me.”

“And hopefully yours won’t come in rainbow-colored,” grumbled Rainbow Dash. They all looked at her suddenly. “What?”

“Seriously?” said Applejack. “I can’t tell if you’re joking.”

“I’m not showing you if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I…I had no idea,” said Rarity, taken aback. “I assumed you died your hair like that…I had no idea it was natural.”

“Who says I don’t dye my hair?”

“Darling. You aren’t exactly the kind of girl who thinks ahead to make drapes match the carpet, so to speak.”

“I am so confused,” moaned Twilight. “Now we’re talking about interior decorating?”

There was a sound from outside, and the entire group suddenly moved carefully to the window.

“What was that?” asked Rarity.

“It sounded like a car door,” said Sunset. She peeked over the window sill. “Look!”

They looked and saw Discord opening the passenger side of his car. He was wearing a long coat, and Fluttershy was dressed in the skimpiest maid outfit that any of them save Rarity had ever seen.

“That fiend!” squealed Rarity. “He’s- -he’s taking her home! And forcing her to wear THAT! It’s worse than I thought! It’s- -it’s some kind of dirty, horrid FETISH!”

“Yeah!” cried Rainbow Dash, wiping a thin stream of blood from her nose. “Fluttershy would NEVER wear something like that! Not for any reason ever!” Then, under her breath: “not for me, anyway…”

“What was that?” asked Sunset.

“Nothing!”

Sunset looked out at them and saw the car start up- -poorly- -and drive away with the pair of them in it. “I don’t know,” she said. “I mean, she’s wearing weird clothes, but…that’s not exactly illegal!”

“Not illegal?” cried Rarity. “Sunset, you heard what we all heard! I think we have more than enough proof!” She removed a tape recorder from the chest area of her spandex suit, instantly causing Rainbow Dash to induce jealousy.

“But all we really saw was her wearing the maid outfit- -”

“And that’s quite enough!”

“But it isn’t- -”

“Sunset,” said Applejack, “I think Rarity’s right. We can deny it until we’re blue in the face.- -no offence Rainbow Dash- -but I think we pretty well confirmed it. He’s buckin’ her tree, and there’s not one cherry left on that bush.”

Rainbow Dash looked as though she was about to kill someone, but Sunset just looked out the window. She was not so sure.

Discord, meanwhile, groaned in the car. “That outfit is hardly appropriate for a girl like you,” he said.

“Oh, Discord. It’s not immodest. And I feel so adorable.” Fluttershy giggled. “And besides. Yours is MUCH shorter.”

Discord sighed and parted his coat, revealing that he was wearing an identical maid costume- -and since it was the same size as Fluttershy’s, it was much shorter on him.

“Oh, you look so cute! Discord,” Fluttershy put her hand on his shoulder. “I just can’t thank you enough! Helping me with my garden, AND going to the charity maid café for the animal shelter with me?”

“I aim to please,” said Discord, smiling. “And besides, the draftiness helps with the fungus. And the lace makes me feel pretty.” He frowned. “But I don’t do windows!”

“But…you’re a janitor.”

“It’s a matter of principle, Fluttershy!”

“You mean like Celestia?”

Discord’s frown became deeper. “That is something else I do not do. At least not anymore.”