Author's Note

Thanks, Flutterpriest

Warnings: Vacuums,
mild gross-out, dick.

Vacuum Cleaner

It's another sunny day in the Crystal Empire. Huh. Something feels weird about that line.

Oh well.

Shining Armor sits on the bed of his bedroom, bored. His wife is currently on a trip to... somewhere? He was a bad listener. And she made sure he knew it. So it gave him quite a lot of free time.

And you know exactly what happens when you're bored? You masturbate.

Shining's rod was stiff, and he knew it. But he wanted to try something a little more special than a hoof. He wanted to shake things up, since lotion was getting a bit boring and he wasn't feeling classy enough to masterbate into a condom. That was only for special occasions.

"But what? What do I masturbate with?"

He read something somewhere about using a cup and marshmellows to make a fake vagina, but it just sounded so... gross. And wasteful. Could you imagine? Going down to the kitchens of the Crystal Castle and asking the staff for a bag of marshmellows, a huge cup, and no questions? Yeah. No. It had to be something creative. Something with easily disposable evidence. Something that can rub, or add pressure, or vibrate.

Not a vibrator. That would be gay. Shining was a lot of things, but not gay.

Then, he set his sights on the vacuum cleaner that the maid had left in the room. He had came into the bedroom somewhat unannounced. So the maid said she would come back later.

"Huh," he said to himself, looking over the cleaning machine. "Does this have..."

Sure enough, on close enough inspection, there was a hose which was designed to get hard to reach areas. He turned on the device, and switched the succ to the hose attachment.

The whirring of the machine echoed through the room as Shining placed a hoof to the hose. The hose sucked with such an intense force, that it stuck his hoof right to the hose.

He smiled.

Oh yeah. This was perfectly safe to put his dick in. It be like a dry... weird... Blowjob.

So, he brought the hose down and slid it over his dick.

That was when everything bad began to happen. Because when a vacuum cleaner has something stuck in it's hose, it sucks harder to compensate.

An ear piercing shriek rang through the castle as he tried to pull the hose off of the base of his dick.

His dick, which was apparently thinking: "Oh, is this sex? Time for sex now." quickly swelled, and lodged itself completely in the hose.

Shining screamed and tugged, but the harder he pulled, the more it felt like he was going to rip his dick clean off of his body. But if he didn't try, it felt like someone put a fucking clothes hanger on the tip of his dick.

"OH MY GOD WHAT DO I DOOOOOO."

Then, he realized he could turn off the vacuum cleaner. So he did.

Then he collapsed on the ground, trying to catch his breath.

He looked around the room, lying in a pool of his own stupidity. His eyes moved to the door, and his breath caught in his throat.

"Uhm," the maid mare mumbled. "I-I'll come back later."

Then, the door closed with a soft click.

See, this is why Shining married Cadance. He needs a buffer between him and his own ideas. To be fair though... that wasn't as bad as what he tried next...