Jake's Pov

"Are you God?" I asked tentatively.

"No" the being replied back to me.

This is not what I expected the afterlife to be like. I thought there would be a white light and a choir of angels leading me up to heaven but no that can't happen to me. I'm here, stuck with this fire-bird inside some kind of dark endless space. Wait, maybe I'm not dead yet and this is all a weird dream!

"Did I die?" I asked popping the big question (and unconsciously scratching my balls).

"That car crash most definitely killed you that's for sure" the blue-like bird replied back to me.

Oh wait, I (or the author) forgot to introduce me/myself.

I am Jake Eisienburg, 17 years of age and I was living in the united "D̶i̶p̶s̶h̶i̶t̶s̶- of America (well I meant United States Of America). If you are wondering what I look like, I'm currently wearing a gray jacket, light black pants And white shoes. My skin is just a little darker than pale. I have black pupils and dirty blonde hair.

And if you didn't realize yet, I died in a car crash after a big fat monster truck slid and rammed into me. It wasn't my fault, when I tried to turn the steering wheel broke off. I guess this event is the least of my problems now anyway, especially since I'm not in heaven or hell I'm sure.

"Ok, I have 3 questions. Who are you, where am I and why am here?" I asked the electric-like-bird.

"1. I am Drake the immortal electromagnetism phoenix, 2. You are in the void and 3. At random souls are picked not to go to either heaven or hell and get a brand new chance of life instead" the now named Drake replied back to me.

"A new life?" I asked. Maybe I could ask to get sent to Mario's wor- nah screw that. I would rather be chilling with Sonic and the gang.

"I know what you are thinking mortal, but that isn't how world choosing is done here" Drake replied back to me. He then flew up forward towards a big giant machine that I hadn't realized was in my presence.

"What's that thing?" I questioned Drake.

"This is the "World Selection Machine". This machine shuffles up the name of numerous worlds and at random it picks one" Drake answered now pressing the button.

The machine shuffled the worlds until it finally stopped spitting out the name of the world. Drake somehow threw me the tiny piece of paper that contained my "new world's name" without sizzling the paper.

I took a look at my new world with anticipation and hope.

"Equestria"

All my dreams went right out window and into a volcano. What the fuck is this shit!?!? I have never heard of this world before. I turned over to Drake hoping he could answer some of my questions.

"I can't tell you anything about this world, that's for you to find out. Drake responded, now sporting a little smile on his beak. (How dafaq is that possible?)

"But, I can however accompany you on your journey but it requires a "small price"

"So what do I have to do?" I asked not wanting to go to a brand new world all alone. Scratching my non-existent beard I wondered, I mean I could get killed on the spot or even worst... they might not have wifi.

"I just need a host to reside my body in and as a bonus you would be able to use my powers" Drake answered.

Hmmm, seems legit enough. I don't see where we can go wrong.

[Why you gotta jinx yourself like that -Author]

"Ok, Drake we have a deal" I spoke in a business like style.

"Let's begin the merging now" Drake said flying towards me.

"What do you mean mer- Ahhhhhh!!!!!" I screamed convulsing with pain. What the fuck?! This phoenix actually merging into my body. Fuck this shit, this is like I made a deal with the devil.

"I'm not the Devil.... I'm far more playful then him".

Playful my ass. I am literally smoking right now, around my chest area to be exact. Soon I began to see the standard black and white polka dots of loss consciousness.

Damn it. I should have never taken a used car that has been rumored to be a "little" faulty. And a "little" faulty got me in a deal with this son of a bitch.

As I started to blacking out, I swear I heard that idiot Drake laughing at me. He was laughing like seeing me burn was just a little joke.
Fuck you too.

Equestria |3rd Pov

It was going to be an exciting day in Ponyville today. Everypony was rushing around the town and getting themselves prepared for the event.
Celestia was going to be making an important announcement this afternoon about Ponyville so "everything just had be perfect" (the words of Twilight Sparkle not mine). Twilight asked her friends to help with the decorations which resulted in a giggle from Pinkie Pie.

"We don't need everypony to do decorations, I can just do them myself!!" Pinkie chortled. Pinkie pulled out her patented Party Cannon™ and blasted fired. Somehow the cannon ignored all logic and spurted the decorations in just the correct spot. To anyone on earth this event might have put them in an asylum. But in Ponyville, everypony had just passed this of into the file of "Pinkie being Pinkie".

Due everypony being so distracted by the coming of the princess, nopony seemed notice or hear the curses of our "favorite humanoid figure" as he flew across the sky towards Cantorlot.

But in an unknown place (to the ignorant reader) a familiar draconequus was just reading a book "101 ways to cause chaos" until he heard a beeping sound. Pulling out a strange contraption from behind his back he chortled

"Something chaotic is going to happen today". With that said he snapped his fingers and went back to his book.

Jake's Pov

Location: Who gives a fuck

*Groan*
Lying down on the ground (a concrete surface to be exact ) I try to get my head to function normally again but it's ringing louder then my alarm clock on a monday morning.
OH, HELL NO.

It's even worst... I can hear that torturous song. That song should be put on the FBI's most wanted list. As I continued groaning in agony I could only wonder one thing.

What the hell is going on in my head anyway?

Inside Zane's Head

*Barney I Love You Song*

"Sir, the brain is malfunctioning for some strange reason"

The Boss looked around for a solution until he found one that would shock the entire world for its genius

"Corporal, I suggest that you STOP RINGING THOSE GOD DAMNED BELLS IN HERE AND CONTINUE REPAIRING THE REST OF THIS BODY!!!!"

"Sir, but how about the brain? Aren't we gonna fix that?"

The body part in question started to make make groaning sounds.

The corporal just pinched his forehead before responding, "It'll take a miracle to what's inside that head of his"
*Rebooting*

Ok, I got that problem dealt with but its time for the cliche question...

Where the fuck am I?

I know I am on Equestria, even I'm not that stupid but what is my approximate location? Like what state or country did I currently land in?

And also, why does it look so dark in this place?

[Try opening your eyes, mate -irritated Author]

Opening my eyes, I sprung to my feet to see a magnificent castle in front of me. This castle was very big and I could at the moment see that It mostly had the colors white and yellow painting it. The strangest thing was the fact that part of this castle was over some kind of cliff but I was never the analyzing type so I didn't put much thought into it. However I did noticed some movements from inside the castle. What confused me was the fact that the figure seemed horse shaped.

Out of curiosity, I started to walk towards the castle but I was stopped in my tracks by a voice behind me yelling "Hey furless ape, this is restricted area! Now you are going to come with me or suffer the consequences."
Did he just call me a furless ape? That's it, time to give this guard a piece of my mind.

Clenching my fists, I turned around preparing to send this guy flying into the next nebula when I see something that is horribly wrong.

A tragedy of sorts.

I see what appears to be some kind of horse in golden Armour somehow holding up a spear with its hoof while being balanced. How dafaq does this shit work?!?!

Oh Fuck, why did I ever agree to that phoenix. He sent me to a world where apparently horses are the dominant species. Thinking back to the castle, I deducted that I must be on some kind of rich manor but all my clever thoughts were diminished when the guard continued to talk.

"Furless ape you are to come with me or I will initiate force" the Guard ordered while somehow being balanced with one hoof in the air.

I, being a long lost enemy of all sources of authority replied, adopting a British accent "Sorry my good sir, but getting "captured by guards" wasn't in my contract." With that being said I started to moonwalk right past the seemingly stunned guard and I made it about 6 ft until.

"BACKUP REQUESTED: WE MUST CATCH THE APE!!!!"

Idiot, this is Fucking Alpha.

Yeah, Faggot, this is Jake. What's happening?

Hostile contacts at twelve o'clock. Please advise.

Copy that. Engage evasive maneuvers, we're GTFO. Jake, out.

As I started to run, I realized the the guard was following me with the back up he requested. That's like 100 horses, I can't be that dangerous right? Suddenly mind went to the time that I accidentally destroyed part of the school. Don't look at me like that. I didn't know what mixing 2 highly dangerous chemicals would do.

However, running along the path I soon reached the town part and there were more horses. And I think they were rich too but I didn't have time to dwell on this idea as a spear flew right past my head. After praying to every god I could think to I rushed into the town and like a horse Moses I parted the middle of the road/path. I was just running wildly flipping and doin cartwheels as I tried to avoid all the spears going past my head.

There was panic as all the "rich" horses tried to run away from me but it wasn't doing any good. The guards were gaining on me and last time I checked horses are faster then humans so unless a miracle happened I was gonna get my head on a pike.

I needed more speed and when I pushed myself to the something amazing occurred. I could feel some tingling inside my body and then suddenly everything around seemed to be going in slow motion. But then when I looked down at I saw that they were glowing blue.

Are my electricomagnetism powers awakening? Yea, Electro=Lightining I wonder If I can fly out of here.

Putting this thought to the test, I face my palms towards the ground and I try to push electricity through them. I am guessing my idea worked since I am in the air. To be exact about 1000 ft in the air. Oh yea, take this bitches. With my newly earned powers I think I became a fucking mlg god.

LETS GOO!!!

Maybe this deal wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. However, Murphy's law decided it was time to end my fun. My hands soon started sparking and electricity coursed through my entire body. I was feeling a little more then tingling so I attempted to release some energy from my system but noooo. The universe just has to screw things up.

What I did achieve in doing was being the first human firework. Instead of getting rid of the energy, I generated a massive explosion which sent me once again flying to god knows where. "GEROMINO!!!!"

They'll be talking about this for years to come, "The Great Firework Incident".

"I could have helped you but this was too fun to pass up. Hahahaha"

All I could give in response was a blank emotionless face.

3rd Pov

The princess had arrived to make the announcement for the town. Everyone was looking forward to the "Celestia coming to Ponyville to give an announcement" party that would happen afterward. So all the ponies took their seats (on the ground) and looked up on stage to see that Celestia was on stage and ready to talk.

"Hello my little ponies, I am here to annou-" and that was as far Celestia got until...

"FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!" our favorite human was falling from the sky. All the ~~horses~~ ponies looked up to follow the source of the sound, which was a humanoid figure. Luck was not on Jake's side today because as he neared the ground he managed to bump into Celestia, knocking her of the stage.
Once again Jake was the pony Moses, the ponies moving away from the place that was going to be crashing into.

After the dust settled both sides take a look at the situation.

Human: Knocked over white horse, standing in middle of colorful horses, location unknown, quite dizzy

Ponies: bipedal figure, standing up, intentions unknown, just knocked down the princess

"Boss, we have sustained massive injuries to brain, should we let him go on? I think it's a bad idea."

"Corporal, I don't give 2 fucks about what you think. Just get online again.

Against his will the Corporal, started to bring the body back online.

3rd Pov | Town Hall

Jake however didn't have his brain working on full capacity so he wasn't acting normal. Checking around his surroundings all he could see were technicolor horses. But when he looked on stage he saw a white horse that looked different from the other ones.

Jake being the dumbass he is, blurted out the first thing that came to his mind and this event would shock the minds of all of Equestria and the entire universe.

"HOLY SHIT, YOU GOT AN ERECTION COMING OUT OF YOUR HEAD!!!!"
...
...
...
"Hehehehe"

Author's Note

This is what Drake looks like