A World Devoid of Color

Ding

Open my mouth. “Hello, how can I help you?”

Every single day, the same routine.

Force the words. “Oh, yes, that’s near the back of the third row, bottom shelf.”

Wake up.

Force the smile. “Did you find it? Great! Let me ring that up for you!”

Work.

Try and scrape up what’s left inside me. “That’ll cost 4 bits, please! Thank you, come again!”

Go home.

Ding

Sleep.

I feel my fake smile drop. It’s tiring.

Every day, like the same pages of black and white fluttering past my vision, over and over and over. The funniest thing is that I used to love reading. When was the last time I read something? There was this one book series that I enjoyed.

“RC! Hey, Equestria to Ms. Rainy Chaser!”

...Rain Chaser?

Oh, right, that was me. I was Rain Chaser. Not Rainbow Dash. She never existed. The only pony I’ve been is Rain Chaser. I turn to the source of the voice and see Mocha leaning in close to me, an unreadable emotion plastered on her face.

“As I just said, we’re closing up shop. If you could lock up the back, I’ll put everything away, and we can head home for the night. Sound good?”

I nod, and force myself out of the seat I was buried in. After turning my head and hearing a satisfying crack from my neck, I take a short glance around the shop. The entirety of the shop was of a light brown, all of the wood forming the walls and the floor and the shelves unaffected by paint or rot, with only the items lining the shelves giving the room any sort of flair or colour. ‘It’s a sight that anypony would fall asleep to’ is a common excuse I like using on Mocha. It usually doesn’t work.

The keys jangling in my hooves, I pass through the lounge in the back room and over to the storeroom, hidden away from the sights of any passing customer. The door locks with a solid click, and I glance back through the lounge windows into the street. I see the reflection of my gray coat and pale mane.

The sun was teetering on the edge of the horizon, its warm glow lighting up the quiet backroom and removing the chill that usually hung to my entire body. I couldn’t help but stretch my wings, all thoughts clearing from my head, imagining that I was flying through the open, blue sky.

I didn’t deserve that blue sky.

I didn’t deserve that freedom.

My wings curled back up to my body, and all the warmth I felt vanished as the biting cold in my heart ate up all the heat around me. I didn’t deserve any of this. I was supposed to be loyal, somepony to look up to. I was supposed to be a supporting pillar to my friends. But I wasn’t. I crumbled. I took the faith they had in me and trashed it.

No…

Who was it that did those things?

It wasn’t me.

It definitely wasn’t me.

I wasn’t anypony special, with amazing friends.

That wasn’t me.

I was Rain Chaser.

That was all I needed to know.

Taking a deep breath to calm my pounding heart, my throat constricting as I attempted to control my ragged breaths, I placed hoof after hoof after hoof to get out of the lounge, to get out of the shop, to get back home and back into bed in the darkness of my room and into the

Click

“Took you long enough. You want to pick anything up at the market, RC? Today’s Friday, meaning it’s ice cream night~!” She drops my saddle bag over my shoulder, giving me a grin as she points in the direction of the market.

I shook my head. Eating cold things made me sick and hurt my heart more. I didn’t like them.

Mocha sighed before shrugging and heading the direction of the market anyways. “Sulk all you want, but I still have to get my ice cream. No way I’m skipping ice cream night. For no stallion or mare!” She gave a short, maniac laugh before trotting off.

No point in following her. She’s much too fast for me. And I wasn’t fast. I couldn’t even compare to any other pegasus. I just…

I turn and head the opposite direction of my coworker. Focus on getting home, getting into bed, and going to sleep. That’s my only goal. Just like every evening. The buildings become a gray blur in my peripherals. Passing ponies become short blinks of white or black. Just focus on getting home. These ponies have important things to do. I’m not important. I just have to get home and everything will be fine.

And I’m home.

I don’t know how long I took. Which path did I take? How fast did I walk? The moon was beginning to rise into the starry sky, so I must’ve taken a while.

No, that’s not important.

Pulling the front door key to my apartment from my bag, I unlock the door and step into the darkened space, barely illuminated by the dim moon outside. I drop my bag and keys on the coffee table close to the door before immediately heading towards my bedroom. No point in turning on the lights, I already knew the path to my bed to heart, and the bright lights hurt my eyes whenever they were on.

I entered my sole place of comfort, and crawl under the covers where there was no light, no sound. Just the soft feeling of the mattress beneath me and the sheets surrounding me. No worries, no thoughts. No need to be happy or sad, no need to be anypony. All there was was the comfort to lull me into the realm of dreams.

“Hey, Rainbow, what’s up?”

I glance back at the noise and see a purple pony walking towards me, a small grin on her face. This was...this was Twilight. Why was she here? Where was here? Finding no answers, I simply shrug in response. Her grin grew a small amount. “I thought so. Not much you do besides work and laze around, am I right? That’s so you.” A giggle escapes her lips.

Why was she here? I was tired. I wanted to sleep. I didn’t have anything to say to her.

“Work and sleep, work and sleep, work and sleep, that’s all you do anymore, Rainbow. It’s not even the winter season and yet you’re working so much. Why are you working so much? You don’t even hang with us anymore.”

A chill rode up my spine as I slowly turned to face Twilight. Her smirk grew a small amount. “Where have you been, Rainbow? Weren’t we your friends?”

Yes, you were, you are, I wanted to shout, but no words came out of my mouth. Everything I wanted to say, that I wanted to scream, all caught in the back of my throat by a feeling...no, a force that was surrounding me, that felt like it was eating me alive. I could only stare as the purple mare drew closer, her grin growing as she prattled on.

“You just left us all alone, Rainbow,” shut up “Right after hurting us too! Don’t you feel bad for that?” shut up “We all showed you so much kindness,” shut up shut up “And we all go along so well!” shut up shut up shut up “Why did you have to ruin that, Dashie?” shutupshutupshutupshutup

Her face was nearly touching mine.

Her grin stretched from

Ear

To

Ear

“You’re an awful friend”

SHUT UP SHUT UP SH

Gasping, I wake up to the sound of my own sobbing and feel my body trembling under the darkness of my sheets. I give a few choked sobs, the feeling of words being stuck in the back of my throat still lingering, before slowly getting my breathing to a calm, steady pace. In...and out. In and out. In and out.

I rub my hooves against my eyes, rubbing the tears trailing down my face, and pull the sheet closer in an attempt to control my trembling, to steady my shaking heart. My heart hurt. I didn’t want to believe a word that mare said. But it was true. It had to be true.

“Are you alright, Rainy?”

I only pull the sheets closer as I curl into the ball. I didn’t want Mocha to see me this way. I didn’t want anypony to see me this way. I just wanted to be alone. I deserve this.

I felt mattress bounce a little before a warm embrace pulled me in from behind, causing the sheet covering me to fall off, and the morning sunlight to blind me.

I felt Mocha rest her head on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Rainy. It’s alright. You’re awake. You’re here. No more nightmares.” She spoke softly into my ear.

She continued whispering affirmations into my ear as she held me close, and I felt the fear and sadness slowly melt away, my breathing and heartbeat now steady. I started whispering apologies to her, but she shushed me and shook her head. “You don’t have anything to apologize to me for. I’m only here to help. I want to help you. That’s what friends do, right?”

The tears threatened to fall again. I didn’t deserve this.

But I loved every time she said that we were friends. I hated it that I loved it.

Much too soon, she let go of me and stepped off my bed, leaving me sitting alone, the sunlight on my back. “I’m making some toast and hay this morning, m’kay? Come to the kitchen when you’re ready.” She left the room, leaving me to my own thoughts.

Not wanting to get consumed by my worries, I rolled myself out of my bed and stepped out of my room. I quickly glanced in Mocha’s, and saw photos of all sorts lying on her floor, walls, and bed, as well as her camera lying on her desk. I shut the door and went to seat myself for the meal Mocha had made.

Mocha bounded out of the kitchen within a few moments, holding a plate of the breakfast she mentioned in the mouth. She gently placed it on the table in front of me. “Hope you enjoy, it’s made with bread, hay, and lots of love!” She giggled before returning to the kitchen.

I couldn’t help but let a small smile through. I whispered a ‘thank you’ before downing the food in front of me.

Mocha came back with her own plate of food and seated herself on the opposite side of the table beaming. We eat in silence, only the clanging of our utensils and the sounds of our eating filling out the silence of the space. Finishing my meal, I recline back and bask in the glow of having a filled stomach. Mocha lets out a short chortle, “I’m glad you enjoyed it, Rainy.”

She rests her head on her hooves. “So, I’m thinking that we go somewhere next weekend. Get out of town, see someplace new, take some time to enjoy ourselves. I’m thinking that’s something you desperately need. No need to worry about work, or our blank flanks, or any garbage like that. Sound good?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to break the routine. I didn’t want to cause any more problems. Mocha sighed and reach over to put her hooves on mine. “You can’t stay in your bed every weekend, you know.”

I sighed and tightened my grip on her hooves. “I...I know. But…” I barely whispered the words out, but Mocha nodded and gave me a comforting smile.

“Step by step, Rainy. We got you out of your room, we got you into the shop, and now we have to take the next step, alright? Out of Manehatten.” She let go of my hooves for a moment, only to circle around the table and pull me into a hug. “So, where do you want to go? Fillydelphia? Los Pegasus?” She giggled. “Maybe one of those country towns, like Appleoosa or Ponyville?”

Time stopped.

Not there. I already ruined things there once. I don’t want to ruin things aga—

“I haven’t ever been to Ponyville before, I want to visit there at least once. The Elements of Harmony live there too, I’d love to visit them all!” Mocha’s giggling becomes barks of excitement.

I couldn’t bring myself to disagree with her. Despite the increasing heaviness in my chest, the sweat forming on my brow, and the shaking of my knees, I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘Let’s go somewhere else’. The look on her face wasn’t something I wanted to take away from her.

And...I wanted to see them again. At least one last time. Maybe say sorry. Maybe beg their forgiveness. Maybe watch them from afar, and see how they’re doing without m...without m-me. I wanted to go for a day without the chill eating away at my heart.

I forced a minuscule smile on my face and looked back at Mocha. “S-sure. Sounds like fun.”

The brown mare squeals with glee and nearly crushes me in a vice-like hug. “You actually gave me an answer! Oh, my little Rainy is changing for the better!” She lets go of me and grabs her bag before opening our front door. “I’m going to go get the tickets now! I’ll be back soon, I hope you’re as excited as I am!” The door slams behind her, leaving me alone at the kitchen table.

Excited?

I guess that was half of what I felt.

The other half was fear.