Prologue

My father once told me that a man who doesn't defend his wife, or in my case wives, isn't fit to call himself a man. Here's where that saying is put to the test.

I was in the orchard with Jackie, gathering apples to make a batch of cider for a silent auction. While I hefted another bushel into the truck, I made small talk with my wife. " So, how is it that Rarity won the honor of master of ceremonies instead of Pinkie?"

Jackie bucked another tree before answering. " Well, I suppose it has to do with the fact that a theme is needed to showcase Ponyville. Now, Pinkie does a great job at planning parties, but she isn't exactly the best pony when it comes to picking a theme."

" Yeah, I can see that." A sudden thought just came to me. " It's not black-tie is it?"

" I'm afraid it is dear." Crap! "Don't worry, it's only for one night, plus, I have a little number that'll make you forget about that suit." She sent me a wink before moving on to the next tree.

I shivered with pleasure while taking the batch of apples to the farm. While I started unloading the apples into the cellar, Rarity and Spike came down the road with a pony I ain't never seen before.

Not to sound like I was judging someone from the first look, oh wait, that's exactly what I'm doing, he looks like some prep boy with a smug attitude. However, being the southern gentleman I am, I went to greet them. " Spike! Rarity! How're you doing this fine day? Who's your friend?"

" Joe, so good to see you." She points to the stallion behind her. " This is Trenderhoof, the travel columnist whose writting put Las Pegasus and Trttoingham on the map as premiere travel destinations. We're taking him on a tour of all the hotspots of Ponyville and we saved the best for last, the core of Ponyville, so to speak. Trender dear, this is Joe, Prince of Equestria, King of Herot, and a dear friend of mine."

He came over and offered his hoof. " Trenderhoof, traveling journalist, but please, call me Trend. It's a pleasure to finaly meet you in person your highness, the stories about your adventures are unbelievable. I don't know if you know this, but I was the one who wrote about your trial against the caribou and Prince Blueblood."

" Really? Damn, you must have some stones to witness all that and write about it." This guy seems alright.

" Oh no, I wasn't actualy in the courtroom, I just asked a few of the ponies that attended what went on. Unfortunately, most were'nt very cooperative with details." Nevermind.

" I see. Well, maybe one day I'll give you the full details." He seemed to perk up at that. Once he gets the full story, he'll most likely lose his lunch. " Listen, I need to get back to Jackie and help her with the apples for the cider auction. Care to come with?" I asked the trio while pointing over to my truck.

Spike and Rarity nodded while Trenderhoof looked amazed by it. " Oh my gosh! I've heard about your legendary silver chariot that doesn't require anyone to pull, but to actually see it in person! Is it true that it runs on the soul of a slain dragon?" We all stared at him as if he had a screw loose.

I shook off my stupor before answering. " I don't know where you heard that, but it runs on a continues loop of gas made from petroleum and ethanol." I went over to my truck and opened the doors. " Alright, hop in. Trend, you can ride up front." He gave a small nod before taking the passenger seat.

" Hey, no fair. I usually ride shotgun." Spike protested while pointing to the front seat.

" Now, Spike, we have to be nice to our guest and let him take the front." At that same moment, Trend started messing with some of the knobs and switches inside. " Hey, quit messing with shit!" I slapped his hoof away before starting the engine and turning the radio on.

While we drove to the section of Orchard Jackie was in, Trend kept pestering me with stupid random questions. " How many trees do you have? How many apples in each tree? Why do you have a head around your belt? How come you're not answering my questions?" Urge to kill, rising.

We finally made it to our destination just before I lost my shit. " Everybody out!" Rarity and Spike got out while Trend took a look around the place.

" Wow, a genuine working farm, I've heard about this but never really seen one before." He dipped down to the ground and felt the dirt with his hooves. " You can really feel the authenticity."

" Dude, did you smoke or huff anything before you came here? If so, pass it here man." The guy just chuckles while Rarity signals me to stop with the jokes. " Anyway, seeing that you find the farm so fascinating, how about we check on the process of making cider?"

" That sounds marvelous!" I lead them over to the cider machine and put in a fresh bushel.

" Alright, Spike, get on the wheel so I may explain the process." Spike gives me a salute and proceeds to the wheel and starts running. " Now, as you can see, apples go in here where they get crushed by a large grindstone that's being run by Spike." He gives us a thumbs up while gaining some speed. " When the apples are crushed, the juice then comes out of this spiggot and into a barrel." I place a barrel under the spiggot and let the cider flow. " Once the cider is sealed in the barrel, it gets tapped and served into mugs which then proceed to here." I pointed to my mouth for that step. " Fights begin, finger/hoofprints is taken, day's are lost, bail is made, court dates are ignored, the cycle then repeats." Trend found the whole thing intriguing. Rarity rolled her eyes at my joke while Spike laughed his ass off.

" Fascinating, and you harvest the apples yourself?" He asked while sampling the cider. " My, that's good."

" Thank you, and no, I don't harvest them all by myself. I usually do this with either Big Mac, Bright Mac, Pear, or Jackie." As I said that, Jackie came over hauling a load of apples. " Speaking of, here she comes now." They all turned to see my country wife walk down the road.

She had a glisten of sweat on her that made her shine in the afternoon sunlight. Her golden hair was done up in the usual ponytail with a strand or two out of place, that always happens when she works in the field. The scent of sweat, apples, dirt, and even the bark from the tree she recently just bucked, sends me over the edge. The minute she see's me, she sends me a sultry smile. " Well, hello ya sexy thang." I was about to go over to her and embrace her, but someone beat me to it.

Trenderhoof zipped over to Jackie and wrapped his foreleg around her barrel and brought her close. " Well, normally I just brush off the abvances from most of my fans, but I must say you are one of the most beautiful mares I've had the pleasure of meeting." He ended his speech by nuzzling his cheek next to hers.

Seeing how I never openly said that Jackie was my wife and not knowing whether he kept up the news, I can see why he would think she's talking to him. I went to go and correct him with my boot but Jackie held up a hoof saying she's got this. " Listen partner. I'm flattered and all, but I'm happily married, and I would-" She was interupted by Trend covering her mouth with his hoof. This made the hairs on my back bristle.

" Trust me when I say, who ever you're married to, will never compare to me. I can give you what your heart desires and then some. Imagine, life traveling around Equestria, me writing about what needs to be written, and you making all the meals and raising the future children." Rarity and Spike both had horrified looks on their faces as he kept spouting out crap that made my blood boil even more.

Jackie gave him a flat stare before turning to me. " Honey. Do your thing."

" With pleasure Darlin'." I answered while cracking my knuckles.

Hearing Jackie call me Honey and my knuckles crack, made Trenderhoof tremble and he turned to me with a look of horror in his eyes. " Eep!"

The following scene has been dubbed too graphic.
The next day.

I was on my way to the hospital with my kids in tow. The other day they saw me take care of the creep who hit on their ma, and it was up to me to show them an alternative. " Alright kids, let's pay a visit to Trenderhoof and then we'll go get ice cream."

" But Dad, he tried to take away mama from us." Jack said while letting a bit of his features became more wolf like.

" I'm very well aware of what he did and I'll never forget it. However, the way I acted was shameful and could have been dealt with a little better." They nodded while we went inside. I went up to the front desk and rang for the receptionist. " Excuse me, but where are you keeping Trenderhoof?"

She gave a shudder before answering. " Oh sweet Celestia that poor stalion. He's in ICU room 417. I don't think I've ever seen a pony's spine bend that way."

" Uh ha ha, yeah, that bear really did a number on him. We'll just pay him a small visit and be on our way." I led the kids over to the ICU and towards Trenderhoofs room.

We were about to enter the room but I heard that the doc was still in there. " Now Mr. Trenderhoof, this is what your new hip will look like." I heard a squeaking noise before a metalic snap was heard. " Hehe, you'll have to be careful with it though." The doctor made his way out and bumped into us. " Your highness. What brings you by?"

" I heard a famous traveling journalist was badly injured so I-"

" Badly injured is putting it lightly. That pony in there looked like he was mauled by a pack of timberwolves. It'll be a few months before he's able to use the bathroom without a catheter let alone walk." Damn doc, you're sending me on a guilt trip here. " You can see him now if you want, but make it quick, he's having some fluids transplanted in an hour." The doc left to check on his other patients leaving us to visit.

We went in the room and found Trend in a full body cast and hooked to a bunch of IV's. When he saw me walk in the room, his eyes became pinpricks. " Sweet Celestia, he's come to finish the job! Someone toss me out the window!" This got the kids to laugh while also getting me to chuckle a bit.

So he wouldn't cause more of a scene, I went over to his bedside. " No, no, you have it all wrong. I came here to apologise for overreacting on what happened yesterday. The way I handled your advances toward Jackie were justified and I think we can agree on that, but I think I took it too far."

" In my line of work we call that a euphemism, what you did was nearly beat me within an inch of my life." He told me with very little humor in his voice.

Scootaloo got mad and floated above his head. " Yeah, well you tried to take our mama away from us! If anything, what dad did to you was too kind!" With each word, she got closer and closer to his face.

" Okay Scoots, that's enough." Scootaloo lowered herself to the floor next to her brothers while keeping her glare on Trend. " I'm sorry about that, but she is right you know, you did attempt to steal their mother away from them along with my country wife and packmate. Now listen, I came here for two reasons. One, to pay for your medical bill. And two, to show my kids that people should try and solve their disagreements and misunderstandings with words before it esculates into a fight. So, if you can accept my apology, I hope we can put this incident behind us."

He had an uneasy expression about the whole thing, but after a moment to think about it, he looked back over to me. " Alright, I accept your apology. And I have to admit, the way I acted toward your wife was down right disgraceful. Think you can accept my apology?"

" I beat you to the point where you have to sip your meals for a while, I think I can accept your apology." When my apology ended, Swagger and Twilight came in the room. " Hey you two, what brings you here?"

" We heard you put someone on the ass end of an asskicking, so Twilight decided to see if she can't play peace maker."

" Well that was very kind of her, but we already made amends, and as an added bonus, these three learned a valuable lesson." The kids smiled and nodded their heads. " So, if you want, you and Twilight can join us for some-" my words were interupted when I turned to see Trend putting the moves on Twilight. " I guess he didn't learn his lesson. Swagger, care to finish the job?"

" With pleasure." He went past me while he cracked his knuckles.

" When you two are done, meet us over at Sugarcube Corner." I led the kids out the door.

As we made our way out of the hospital, I could hear Trend yell in pain from his room. " Someone toss me out the window!"

Author's Note

Like I said in the previous chapter, this wasn't going to drag on, though hopefully, it was satisfying.

I contribute a couple of the ideas I had in this chapter to Squidbillies and futurama.

I probably cheated you guys on a gruesome and detailed fight, pfft fight yeah right, more like a savage beating. So to make up for that, I give you Jason Statham.

Now for the actual clip.