I felt consciousness coming back. I took stock before opening my eyes. The floor I was on was very comfy. After a few probing finger pokes I deduced I was on a cubic butt load of pillows. I also heard voices, which matched Twilight the bag thief, and Rarity the magic pony. And those thoughts alone made me want to go back to sleep. I muddled through and participated in my favorite past time. Eavesdroppimg.

"Now Twilight, I think she would be less than pleased if you took it for even a moment. From what you said she is rather protective of it." Damn right you beautiful pony. Now what are you talking about?

I heard Twilight next. "But it's just a scan. I doubt she'd even notice. Besides if I could figure out that spell just imagine what I could do with it. I could send packages with more mass than a normal teleport allowed all the way to Canterlot."

Rarity paused. "Well, I doubt she would agree. So the argument is moot." Okay. So I'm guessing they were talking about my bag. Good on the white pony

And that's when I felt a damn pull on my bag. I drew my pistol from it's holster, surprised to find it there. I pointed it in the general direction of Twilight's voice, and tried to say. "THIS is my backup wand." Unfortunately my jaw seemed to barely work. So I actually said something like. "urrgh rah bacguhhh wand."

Needless to say, this did not have the best result. But my bag remained in my hands, so victory was mine. I blearily sat up and looked around. Okay, wooden library. Check. Magic ponies. Check. Both were unicorns. Huh, didn't notice Rarity's horn last time. Ah well. Check. Nodding once I turned to Twilight, pistol lowering slightly. "I thought I said you don't touch the bag?"

Twilight began stammering. "W-well, I-I..." Her ears flattered. "Sorry. But whatever spell let's you slip into it is so amazing. Just learning how to cast it could improve pony life. Just imagine packing your house for a full move and fitting your whole bed in a small bag. It's amazing."

My God, I could see her running equations in her head. I shrugged. Being honest would probably be the best option to dissuade her. "Yeah, and imagine the wonder when somebody messes up the inside and blowing an unknown area into a scarred wasteland." Twilight stopped her equations and stared at me. I continued. "Or maybe if somebody was stupid enough to mess with the spell, then anything in the sack will fly out at a ludicrous speed. And with the stuff in here specifically.... Well it's gonna need a real good clean up crew for us." I smiled, and I'm fairly certain it wasn't nice.

Twilight thought of this. Then Rarity took a few steps back. Then Twilight took a few steps back. Then I laughed. Hard. I saw Twilight stare, and Rarity damn near flinched away. Before seeing my gun fully lower as I tried to hold my gut. Rarity stepped back forward. "You absolute barbarian. That bag wouldn't really do that, would it?" She was grinning at me like I was a madwoman. She wasn't wrong.

I smiled. "Of course it would, but I doubt you guys could get it to. Nah mostly it just has everything I know and love and would probably go insane if anyone messed with it."

Rarity paused, her smile fading. But Twilight seemed to catch a second wind. "Wait, everything you own is in there?" I nodded, and began holding my bag closer. "Why don't you keep them at home?"

Damn. Now I felt sad again. I dug a hand in the bag, holding a finger up with my gun hand. I pulled out a small blue plush. It was stitch, from Lilo and Stictch. Time for an object lesson. "You see this?" Both ponies nodded. "This is the only thing left from my home." Not technically a lie. Also not the full truth, but y'know. "The rest of it is... well I can't go back." I shrugged. "I've been gone so long I don't think it would matter anyways. I've probably already been declared dead, and I've got nothing waiting for me." I held the stitch close. After a moment I holstered the pistol and held it with both hands.

The ponies were mercifully quiet for a moment while I finished my hug. Then I shoved it back in the bag and shook my head. At that Twilight spoke. "Oh." Well, that about summed it up. I just sat down. I normally held the story time off until I was facing a god or some other dramatic event. Doing it now ruined future dramatic tension. Damnation and Hellfire.

Telling it to a bunch of ponies as part of conversation was not something I was prepared for. The moment ended as a fucking lizard walked down the stairs. Alone I probably wouldn't have flinched. When it burped and fire came out I jumped back. "Jesus Christ. That lizard shoots fire."

The lizard looked at me. Then to a sad Twilight, then to a disturbed Rarity. He then shook his head and turned around. "Nope, this dreams to weird. I'm gonna finish my nap." I stared as he walked back the stairs. I heard the soft click of a door and a soft thump. I understood his thought process.

Okay, ignoring the talking lizard I turned back to Twilight. "Anyways, I'm stuck here for a while, so if you wouldn't mind giving me a hand?"

Twilight nodded slowly. "Well, I know I can arrange a place for you to stay, but we'll need to introduce you to town first. I guess first step would be to introduce you to my friends. Our word carries enough weight that if we all vouch for you the town should calm down about it. The only problem is getting you around."

I saw a soft glow enveloped her horn before a petite hoof whacked her on the back of the head. "Dear, do not teleport this poor girl again. I don't think it agree's with her" Whoo, points for the marshmallow unicorn. I smiled and thought over looking for some in my pack, but decided against it. Marshmallows were for special occasions. Rarity continued. "Maybe ask her what she would do?"

I smiled. "Gimme a minute and lead the way. I bet money no one will see me while we go where we're going. That includes you though." I dug through my pack and pulled out a skintight suit. It didn't cover my head, but I already had a little tool for that. My smile widened. "Where can I change?"

It only took me minute to change. Also pony bathrooms look a lot like human ones. I put my jewelry on over the suit, and then grabbed a small hood. It was a keepsake now, gift from a friend and all that. It had a different name inscribed on it, but that was my life. I walked out and looked at the ponies. "So lets go."

Twilight looked ready to ask a question as I raised the hood. The question was strangled as soon as I blinked out of existence. Well maybe that was an overstatement, but I did turn invisible. Both ponies began to frantically look around. I giggled. Twilight's eyes zeroed in on my location. "You can turn invisible? What type of mage are you?"

I shook my head, which didn't have any effect. Damn invisibility. "No magic here. Just good old fashioned ingenuity. Just don't ask me how it works. I think some inventor made some evil deal with a computer or something." I could see more questions jumping out of her, but she managed to contain them. Though I thought she literally had to swallow them down.

Rarity tapped her on the shoulder. I saw the door open nearby with her magical glow. "Come now Twilight, I think that Fluttershy needed us for something."

Ooohh, pony subterfuge. Excellent. I walked slowly as they left, no sound escaping from my body. I may have been the best at blowing my problems away with wild abandon, but sometimes sneakily doing it was necessary, and I considered myself a master in all forms of explosive entrances. When they happened from an unexpected angle was even better. I followed them as they offered up badly coded small talk. Hell, they even called me their new friend, or bag colt. I almost lost my cool a couple times. I mean it was so obvious! Who talks like that? I moved silently, commenting in my head about the area. Mostly about ponies. They had freaking pegasi just floating around in the open. Oh, and I was pretty sure I saw a minotaur duck into a shop. Jesus this was weird.

We slowly walked out of town, and I saw a small cottage coming into view. And that's when it all went wrong. Rarity and Twilight didn't notice, but with my beanie shoved on I could hear whimpering from the forest to our right. I thought of telling them, and decided it would cause a scene. I looked and saw the cottage was the last thing before the forest seemed to envelope the horizon. So I had a little rally point. I looked towards the woods where the whimpering came from, before slowly walking in.

These woods were thick. I could see the various roots and leaves turning the ground into a nightmare for sneaking. I looked up at the trees and shook my head. The branches looked dead, so no clue if they'd support my weight. I proceeded as quietly as possible, and saw a pony in the clearing. It was a soft green in color, and had a lyre on the flank. The mane looked like a mint color, but I couldn't be sure with all the mud in it. There was also a horn. More unicorns. Cool. I walked up and poked her. Look I'm about as far from a doctor as you can find for official medical practice. Everything I've learned is on the spot fixes. I leaned over and whispered in the ponies ears. "Are you alive?"

The pony screamed. I dived down as she looked around. "Who's there?"

I sighed. "Gimme a sec. First, are you hurt?"

The pony sighed. It was long suffering, and I was liking her more for it. "Yes, I've got a broke hoof, rear left. The bone broke skin." She said it clinically, like she knew what she had. She also said it painlessly, and in sing song. Paranoia mode engaged fully.

I walked slowly up. "Alright. I'm not gonna show myself til I've healed you up. Just warning you, if this is a trap, well it wont end pretty."

She didn't talk, though she did begin humming a tune under her breath. I saw the wound she was talking about, and it was kinda brutal. I clicked my tongue. "This'll hurt, like a lot. Sorry."

The pony shook her head. "Nah, I managed to drink my pain numbing potion. But now I don't remember how to walk. I think I wasn't supposed to drink the whole thing." I paused and stared at her. "On the upside though. I feel really good right now.

I smirked. One high pony was worth this distraction. As I said I wasn't a doctor, but my various magic spells couldn't reset a bone. I touched the bone. It was a fairly clean break. I grabbed the hoof and instantly put it down. I looked around and found a branch. I moved it to her head. "Bite down on this." She did without comment, though the humming didn't stop. I then re-grabbed the hoof. After a moment I put a steadying hand on the fetlock. I then pulled, and heard a sickening crack from the bone popping into place. I heard a strangled scream from the unicorn in front of me.

I stared, there was still a large hole in her, but luckily we were now within my magic territory. "Okay friend, lets get you fixed up." She resumed humming a tune as I channeled energy. As soon as I tried I felt the ambient magic of the world hit me like a train. I could probably start shooting off fireballs like a fucking flamethrower. I smiled. I loved magic. I let the magic flow through me, and felt happy, heal-y thoughts. I saw a nice green glow coming from where my hands would be. I pressed them to the winds and whispered. "Cura Vitae" And the glow transferred to the unicorns fetlock.

In case you were curious, I've never seen a wound heal that was pretty. I'll spare you the descriptors, but let's just say that it's disgusting. Sensei couldn't do this kind of thing, and honestly I wasn't great at it, but I had learned several shortcuts. I wiped of my brow, which now held a slight sheen of sweat, and smiled. "Okay, you're all healed up."

The unicorn looked at me vacantly, before I remembered I was still invisible. This didn't seem to bother it though. "Heyyyyy, if you could grab my antidote from the bag that's be nice. Without the pain I'm just super loopey right now." I nodded and looked around. A lone bag was on the floor. I fished out a few vials, only one of which had a liquid in it. I gently poured it down her throat. As soon as it was all gone she shook her head. Then she looked around. "Wait, the buck!" She jumped up and looked around. "Hey, at least let me thank you."

I giggled again. Two in one day, my reputation as a hard-assed killer of men might take a dive. "I'm still here, look at my voice." She did, and I lowered my hood. Now I'm not beautiful. To many scars and dings to count. And about a hundred broken noses. I looked like a slashed barbie with a hook nose. However she stared like I was an angel. With the hood lowered the full stealth field lowered. I towered over the small unicorn as she stared in a mixture of horror and joy. And then she passed out. "Damnit, why do ponies keep doing that?" I picked her up over my shoulder. I was happy she wasn't to heavy, and her bag wasn't either. I flipped my head around like a dying fish, until my hood was up before jogging to the cottage.

I arrived at a scene of odd serenity. Twilight was talking to a door. "Now Fluttershy, I sent Rainbow Dash with a note to the Princess, so she'll be by shortly. And besides, I'm pretty sure she's a nice creature. Just come out and I'm sure she'll come out soon. Honestly she might have been spooked by that thing with the bear." Oh I had missed a party.

I coughed slightly and Twilight turned around. Then she screamed. "FLOATING PONY"!!"

I shook my head, laughing. After slowly putting Lyra down, I lowered my hood. "Sorry heard a pony whimpering, she was messed up, so I helped her out."

My story seemed to only confuse Twilight more, but I shrugged. She walked over to Lyra before grimacing. "Oh Celestia. You had to find the one pony who was as weird as Pinkie?"

I had begun digging around in my bag, looking for a pack of smokes. What, I have bad habits, it's allowed. While I grabbed one I gave a half-hearted grunt. "What's a Pinkie?"

I flipped out the pack and lit a smoke with a finger. Gods I loved magic. Then a pink god damned pony jumped out from my bag. "I'm a Pinkie!!"

I fell on my ass, scrambling from my bag. "JESUS ON A FUCKING PIKE!!" Now I know what your thinking, but honestly I had had a few close encounters with shit in my bag. I had accidentally hatched some crab things that charged out when I tried to make an omelette. This was the officially prescribed reaction. Granted I didn't have a rifle, so I didn't spray her with suppressive fire, but it probably would have ended poorly anyways. I say suppresive fire, because I rarely hit anything panic shooting.

I stood up, facing the Pink horror as she walked out of my bag, and lowered herself to all fours. "wow, that place was way roomier than I thought." She dusted herself off, and then dug a hoof around in her mane. I would probably have set phasers to snark, but I was currently blinded by the utter singularity of pink in front off me. She found what she was looking for, and held out a small box to me. "I haven't had time for a full party yet, but have this." I took it and flipped the lid. A cupcake sat in the box. I smiled. Sweets were nice. Especially if they taste as good as the first. Then the pink horror bounced in place. "YAY, now I get to plan a welcome to Ponyville party and a new friend party." I was about to comment as Pinkie seemed to pause in mid air. "Wait... I also have to plan a party for Luna, she's gonna be here in." She glanced at a bare hoof and ran off.

I glanced at the pink monstrosity, to find she was gone. "Well, that was eventful." Twilight looked at me and nodded. I took a moment to process everything that just happened finding my sanity wanting I decided to point to the green pony. "Fix that, I'm gonna go grab some stuff." I picked up my bag and looked around. "Where's a table?"

So the only table was inside. And after Twilight convinced Fluttershy I wasn't going to eat her I was allowed in on the condition of being nice to a pegasus. Which I could totally do. I sat on the floor in front of a table, with a small collection of nick knacks. I looked over at a light that I had hooked to a battery. A small picture of fluffy, my former pet, was taped to it. I gently touched it before looking down at the various stuff on the table. There was a lightsaber, that was broken. I had always hoped to fix it, though it was probably best I didn't. A small energy pistol with about four shots left. Then the actual gadget I was working on. It was a small spider made out of clockwork, that was currently jammed into ball mode.

I picked it up and took a screwdriver to a piece of rust in the leg assembly. After scraping it off I glanced at my tool box. I knew a gear was missing, but with my ever expanding spare parts I could probably jury rig it. The problem was I needed a very small drill bit to get it into place. As I reached over I heard a small voice behind me. "Who's that cute little guy?"

I turned to face Fluttershy, staring at fluffy's picture. He had been a wolf. He came almost to my chest, and had a solid grey coat. He was also a vicious beast who only listened to me, but I loved him. He was the most cuddly. "That was Fluffy. He was my friend, a long time ago."

I smiled and touched the picture again. I totally didn't have to stop a lone tear, I'm to scary for that. Fluttershy definitely noticed I was sad though. "Oh no, what happened to him?"

I sighed. "I was leaving. It happens, I can't stop it. But he knew it was coming. Right before I did we were attacked. Some crazy zealots from some cult I had messed up. Anyways they jumped us as I was finishing up packing and manged to fire a shot." I pointed to my chest, where a small scar was hidden under my suit. "He jumped in front of it. It tore through him, but after that the shot didn't kill me. Then I left. After that though, I really wished I didn't."

I rubbed the spot where I had taken the round. Before I heard a sniffle. "So he died?"

I nodded. "Yeah. he died to save me. He's one of..." I began thinking. "Three things I have pictures of. Him, my sensei, and some angel who bound a photo to my soul. But he was cool enough I let him." I shook off my sad miasma. "Anyways he was the best boy, no denying." I pulled out my tool kit and grabbed all my drill bits. Fluttershy didn't move, but she didn't speak. I slowly made a semi fitting gear out of spare parts, and jammed it in with the drill bit. I heard the snap as it locked in place.

The spider unrolled turning into it's eight legged form. I smiled at it. "Alright creepy. You feel better?" He bobbed his head as Fluttershy gasped. I heard her back away, which creepy seemed to stare at. I snapped at him. "Hey man, I need focus." He seemed to glare as much as his little ruby eyes would let him. It was almost cute. I looked over his brass body before smiling. "Girls, I'm going out back. I'll be back in a second." I looked at my unfinished smoke before grabbing it. A quick hand gesture saw Creepy crawling up my arm and perching on my shoulder. I heard a little gasp from behind me. I ignored it and walked outside.

The backyard of Fluttershy's cottage was an animal preserve. Not in some ethereal way, like a literal actual preserve. I saw a bear freaking wave at me. I looked over at creepy and nodded. "Full check little buddy. Make sure your back up to snuff." I heard a happy click as he rolled down my arm in a little ball. I felt energy snap around me. I smiled. It had been to long since an obvious ambush. Thinking and looking I saw no more animals. It was also now utterly silent. I loved it when the bad guys made it so I didn't have to worry about collateral.

I tried not to clue in my attacker, leaning on my side up against a wall. I took a lazy drag as Creepy went around pulling odd movements and jumping around. I nodded towards him. "Recognition sensor too little bit. I know you hate it." He glared and chirped. He did it over and over until the chirps did an approximation of hello, before glancing at me. It did it's job as a small click came from behind me. I smirked and reached into my pack as nonchalantly as possible. Granted with my normal lack of subterfuge I was muttering various spells under my breath, but hey, I didn't blow up the ground behind me without looking. Who said I couldn't play nice? By the time I gripped a small flashbang I felt the blade lightly touch the back of my suit. "Shit, and here I am without a blade to poke you with."

There was a pregnant pause, and a voice as quiet as the night wind seemed to emanate behind me. That wasn't me using fancy words, it seemed to move like a natural force instead of a voice. "Thou willst remove Thine hand from the bag, creature."

I paused a moment. Anything that seemed to talk in ways that seemed godlike wasn't the thing to flashbang and run. But I wasn't known for wise decisions anyways. "Sure, you want a water?" She paused as I withdrew my hand and put my thumb through the pin. I also pulled my bag up my shoulder so I had it on my back. I held up the flashbang. "You know what this is?"

I saw a faint midnight glow surround the flashbang, and then leave it. "It is of no concern. But thou art an unknown, and as such we must scry your intentions with all due caution. Thou wilst turn and allow us to read thine mind."

I turned slowly, which she appeared to allow. And then I saw a freaking goddess. It was also a pony with wings and a horn, but the power rolling off her was unreal. I still wasn't going to back down though. No one expects a sucker punch when they obviously outclass you. I smiled at her. "You know, I don't like people in my head, how about I do a magic trick instead?"

She slowly raised a second sword with magic, as if challenging my joke. I just kept my smile going. "I bet, I can make this thing explode without a single spell." Now she looked a bit more interested, and stared at the device. I jangled it. "It's a little toy I have, bet it'll make us both laugh." With that I pulled the pin and dropped it. In the goddesses defense, she covered it in a shield as soon as it dropped. I used this distraction to raise my hood, and as I turned invisible I tapped the hood once, turning myself blind and deaf for four seconds. I waited it out, and when my senses returned the goddess was flailing. Eyes closed and ears flat. I worked fast, picking up creepy and drawing a pistol and pointing it at her. It took three seconds for the goddess to recover, which was actually more time than I thought it would. She turned to me with rage in her eyes, until she saw I was holding something at her.

She paused, staring at me. I waved with my free hand. "So if you're done doing the whole interrogation thing, let's talk." I gestured with the pistol. "I really don't want to use this, but I really don't like dying either. So..." I let the sentence hang as I brought the pistol back on her a moment. I then gestured at the sword. "On the count of three, I lower my toy, you lower yours."

This plan had never worked, but hope springeth eternal. The goddess surprised me by lowering her own swords before a countdown even began, and she smirked at me. "It has been a millennia since somepony has even been half as fun as thou." She looked me over. "And thou have a brain."

I took the compliment. I also lowered my gun. I gestured to Creepy. "Hey little man, get in the side pocket." Which he happily did. He was barely sentient, but he could sense power with that little magical core he had. He also had enough brain to not mess with anything powerful enough to turn small nations to dust. As he climbed up my leg Luna stared. I smiled. "Now then, let's start the talk with some rules. I won't try anymore fancy tricks, if you don't try to read my mind like a children's book. Deal?"

The Goddess nodded. "Very well Ms. Draitha." I froze at the use of my name, which she definitely caught. "And you may call us Princess Luna." I swore, her grin was more predatory than any other creature I'd seen. I rolled my eyes, what had I gotten myself into with this pony shit.

Author's Note

Two chapters, one day. Whew I'm tired. Well, work beckons so I'll try to catch a few Z's, have a wonderful day. Previous offer for writing help is still open.