The sun sat low in the sky, a dazzling display of oranges and reds casting across the horizon as it reached its final threshold before dipping below eyesight. Anon, however, was too busy trying to ignore The Thing rubbing up against him as they walked around town to find a good place to have dinner.

He groaned, his stomach agreeing as it let out its finest imitation of a whale’s mating call. It got a giggle out of The Thing, and a frustrated ‘harumph’ from Anon. “I remember how happy I was to finally be here in Equestria.” He looked every which way, not a decent eatery in sight. “But now I just want a Pizza Hut, or Taco Bell to get some cheap shit to eat.”

“I know a pretty good place we could go,” said Amber.

Anon stopped in his tracks, turning to the extraterrestrial with the biggest sour puss he could possibly muster. “What do you mean by that?”

“I mean I know a place we could get a bite to eat. It’s like I just got done saying that, or something.”

Anon’s eye twitched. “You mean to tell me that you knew this whole time while we wondered around this hamlet, that there was a good place to get a bite to eat, the whole reason why we left the house in the first place, and you never thought for a second to let me know?”

“Well,” The Thing rubbed up against the man’s leg. “It was nice spending some time together, walking around town after you were gone most of the day.

Anon shouted at her, “We could have been spending time eating and enjoying ourselves until we popped from the sheer amount of junk we’d shove down our throats, but instead it was more important to walk around aimlessly, because it would be nice to have quality time while my stomach is trying to tell me to feed it or go kill myself?”

“When you put it that way, it does sound rather pointless.”

“That’s because it is.” Anon turned around, giving The Thing the cold shoulder. He then relaxed himself and sighed. “But where is this place, for the love of god, I need food.”

The Thing clopped her hooves together and said, “The Prancing Pony! The place opened up not too long ago in the south end of Ponyville. Amber used to frequent there before, ya know…”

Anon shook the thought from his mind once again, yet he somehow knew that it was gonna stay there to haunt him for the rest of his days. “Cute name aside, if they serve good food, or even passable at this point, then I’m game.” Anon’s stomach grumbled aloud yet again, to which The Thing giggled herself senseless. “Let’s just get this show on the road already, before my stomach eats itself.”

* * * *

Up above Anon was the bold, neon words saying ‘The Prancing Pony.’ The restaurant was in the style of a nineteen-fifties diner, though with a few key differences. For one, it was a lot bigger, and seemed to be shaped less cylindrical and more square like a traditional building. There was also what appeared to be a studio apartment above the establishment, the window’s blinds shut in a feeble attempt to keep out the outside world. Anon gazed upon that sad image and said, “Same.”

“So, are we just gonna stand here and admire the place, or are we gonna head inside like normal ponies? Creatures… things?” Thingpone questioned, nudging Anon slightly to attract his attention.

Anon replied by walking into the establishment, greeted by the intoxicating aroma of fried, delicious goodness. “Fuck yeah.” He took note of a sign off to the side saying ‘Please wait to be seated.’ He also noticed the bench right next to it, and since he’d been walking for a short while, he figured he’d take a quick break while he waited for his waiter.

The Thing followed suit, sitting right next to him, edging herself closer to him each time he turned his eyes away from her. “I hope we don’t have to wait here too lo-” before she could finish her sentence, she was cut off by a pony dressed in work attire stepping in front of them with a big ol’ grin on her face.

“Hello! Welcome to The Prancing Pony, please follow me as I get you seated.” She guided them along to the far end of the restaurant, “So, do you want a table or booth?”

“We’ll take a booth,” The Thing said automatically.

“Booth it is then.” The waiter replied just as quickly.

Anon leaned over to The Thing, “You didn’t even let me have a say in this, Amber.”

“Pfft. As if you had a choice, Anon.” She gave him a smarmy grin before turning towards their booth seating. “Thanks, this looks nice.”

“Thank you very much!” The waiter then set down two menus on the table. “I’ll be back shortly to take your order. Is there any appetizers or drinks I can fetch for you, though?”

As Anon and The Thing took their seats, Anon replied to the waiter’s question. “Yeah, do you guys have any type of lemonade?”

“Yeah, we have regular and pink lemonade.”

“I’ll take a pink lemonade.” Anon turned his attention to The Thing, “And what about you?”

“I’ll have what he’s having.” She gave him a coy smile.

The waiter then said, “Alright, all be right back with your drinks, and if you’ve figured out what you want from the menu, I’ll also take note of that.” She then wandered off to the other side of the restaurant to fetch their drinks.

“You know Anon~” Thingpone spoke. “This is sort of like our first date, don't cha think?”

Anon flushed red, “If you say so.” He tried not to think about being romantic with the abomination, and instead reminded himself of why he’s entertaining her in the first place. Do it for the ponies, Anon. Do it for the ponies. His stomach growled, which prompted him to open up his menu. And do it for the good eats.

Anon’s features gradually went from a beaming smile, to an exaggerated frown. “What is this?” He turned the menu towards The Thing.

The Thing put her own menu down to peer at what Anon was showing her. “That’s a hayburger with extra hay and The Prancing Pony’s special sauce.” She stated matter of factly.

“Disgusting, and repulsive excuse for food is more like it. Where is the meat?” He scrolled through the menu some more. “I need a pony Arby’s right about now.” He found a salad that included some slices of a boiled egg, which was close enough on the edible scale for him to consider getting. “This’ll have to do for now, but I’m going back into the kitchen to give a few ‘criticisms’ to the menu after we’re done.”

The Thing rolled her eyes. “Whatever floats your boat, ya big doofus.” She set her menu down as well, having decided on what she wanted. She then leaned forward, both elbows planted squarely on the table. “So, is there anything you’d like to talk about, Anon. Anything sweet you’d like to say, or should I start?” She batted her eyelids, trying to seem as sexy as possible.

It wasn’t very effective.

Anon shrugged his shoulders. “Not much, really. Still stoked on working with Twiggles, but other than that, I just want the waiter to get back so we can or-” As if on cue, the waiter returned as if from nowhere.

“So, has the lovely couple decided on what they’ll be having this evening?”

“Actually, we’re not a cou-” Anon tried to stammer out, but was again cut off, this time by his supposed marefriend.

“He’ll be having the cobb salad with extra ranch on top, and I’ll again have what he’s having.” She wiggled her eyebrows sporadically.

“Great, I’ll be back in a jiffy.” She pointed her hoof at them in a lackadaisical manner. “Don’t you go anywhere.”

Anon watched her suanter off before turning to Thingpone. “So, do I get a say in anything today?”

“Depends, Anon. Do you have anything to say.” She winked and then wiggled her eyebrows again and again.

“Is this the part where you want me to confess my undying love for you, and proclaim you the most wonderful and beautiful mare in all of Equestria?” Anon dramaticized, flailing his arms to add emphasis on each and every complimentary word.

The Thing frowned. “It’d at least help, yeah.” She turned her gaze off into the distance, clearly hurt by Anon’s sarcasm.

Anon sighed, knowing that he was pushing his boundaries, plus the fact he had no idea how she’d act if she were to be too upset. “Hey, you know I’m just messing with you. I enjoy your company.” Anon thought of the perfect way to cheer her up. “Would it helped if I said I thought you were cute?”

She slowly turned towards Anon, her pupils wide and her mouth forming one of the most genuine smiles Anon ever laid his eyes upon. “It’s a start.”

Anon’s heart hnnnged from the diabetes inducing cuteness in front of him. Okay, maybe she can be adorable for an abomination to ponykind. Maybe.

They sat there waiting for their food to arrive, but as the minutes dragged on and time become but a meager concept of when they’d be allowed to finally gorge themselves, it become quite apparent that they were most likely going to starve or die of old age before their food arrived.

Anon twirled his hand in a questioning manner. “Soooooooo. Do you think they’re actually doing anything in the kitchen, or has the chief suddenly combust into flames and and can’t get up?”

“I hope not, I’m starved.” That’s when The Thing got a brilliant idea, a wonderful, extraordinary idea. “Say, I’ll go see what’s taking them so long, and you wait right here. I’ll be right back.”

“Please do. I’m questioning eating the table at this point.”

With that said, The Thing got up from her seat, and headed down towards the restaurant’s kitchen, taking note of all the other ponies who were eating. It made her envious and annoyed, all the more reason for her to act on the plan she had set forth.

* * * *

When The Thing neared the counter, to which the kitchen door was behind, she knew she had to surreptitiously slip by unnoticed. She looked back and forth to make sure nopony was watching her, and then lowered herself to the ground, extending her lower half under the sliding door that blocked off the rest of the room from behind the counter.

She made a slit appear on her rear end, slowly opening to reveal an eyeball for her to see with. She saw the door to the kitchen, and then hid herself next to a nearby box, waiting for her moment to strike.

After a moment the door creaked open, revealing the waiter pony carrying various dishes on her back. As she exited from the kitchen and made her way out towards the dining area, The Thing extended a trendral to catch the door from closing. Looking both ways again, she took note of nopony looking her general direction, and swiftly narrowed her front half back to her rear, reforming her normal appearance. She then entered the kitchen, a huge grin plastered on her face.

Once inside, she stood up, seeing three cooks hard at work preparing everypony's food. “Good evening boys and girls.”

The three cooks, two mares, one stallion, turned to The Thing. As soon as they saw her, their overworked, frustrated faces turned even more sour. One of the mares was about to speak, but was interrupted.

“No. No talking.” The Thing brought a hoof to her lips, which started to tear at the edges, forming an unhinged jaw full of razor sharp teeth. “I WAS GETTING RATHER HUNGRY WAITING OUT THERE”

Before they could scream, The Thing launched three tendrils out from her body, all of which connecting with their mouths. She slowly began to walk towards them, licking her lips. “MMMMM, DELICIOUS, BUT NOT WHAT ANON WANTS.”

She stood in front of the male cook, of which looked the oldest and most experienced. “I TAKE IT THAT YOU ARE THE HEAD CHEF?” He no longer had a mouth, and thus could not scream. The Thing took his tears as a form of confirmation. “GOOOOOOOD.” She put her hooves around him, and began to merge with him, his form sinking into her. After a moment, he was completely assimilated, his knowledge of the culinary arts included.

The Thing reformed her mouth to its original state, and turned to the other to chefs. “I’ll be taking this.” She used a tendrial to grab on of their hats and aprons, of which she put atop her head and wrapped around her body to the best of her ability.

“Now to prepare my darling his wonderful surprise.” She giggled into her hooves, noticing the struggles from the rooms other occupants. “Oh, quiet guys. Don’t you know you’re dying for the greater good?”

* * * *

Anon twiddled his thumbs, feeling the ever growing void within his stomach grow emptier and emptier. Soon he was sure it would reach a point where it’ll collapse in on itself, shrinking to such a minuscule size that a black hole would form and consume the entire world with its unending hunger.

Deciding that he’d rather not let that happen, he got up from his seat and headed towards the main counter in pursuit of The Thing. “What in the world is the hold up? I swear, this is getting a one star rating on pony Yelp.”

When he made it to the counter, he raised his brow in bewilderment. “Really, nobody here? This is seriously the worst service I’ve ever had. And just where in the world has Amber gone off to?”

I wonder if they left behind any clues?

Looking both ways, he saw that most ponies who’d been at the restaurant prior had left to continue on with their daily business. “I guess no one will be upset if I stepped behind the counter, now would they?” He then proceeded to get behind the counter looking to and fro for any signs of the waiter and Thingpone.

That’s when he heard a strange noise come from the kitchen behind him. He turned around and noticed that the door was slightly open. “Hmmmm, pretty suspicious.” He grabbed the door and opened it, revealing to him a rather familiar looking pony wearing an adorable chef outfit. “Excuse me, miss. Have you seen a mare with a rust colored coat around here? Looks kinda like yours—wait a minute!”

Turning her head around in an abnormal way, The Thing greeted Anon with a smile. “Oh, shoot. You ruined the surprise.” She added a few more spices to the dish she was cooking. “Since they were taking so long, I thought to myself. Gee, I bet Anon is getting rather upset, lets see if I can help with this. While I was here, I knew that I could do a better job, and so I did. I even have all the knowledge I need to make sure this is the best dinner you could ever imagine!” She squealed in excitement, before going back to her work in progress.

Anon was dumbfounded, and had no idea what he was going to do in this situation. As he was frozen in time, he took notice of the mare connected to The Thing via one of her tendrials as it was ever so slightly making her way towards The Thing to being fully consumed within her being.

Oh dear pony Jesus…

POOF

Anon turned his attention to his right shoulder, his angle self appearing before him. “Really, bud? Are you just gonna sit here and stare as that poor innocent pony is devoured by that hideous monstrosity?”

POOF

“Now wait a minute big guy, you’ve been waiting all evening for something to eat. Are you just gonna let this opportunity escape you by doing something rash like he’s suggesting over there?”

Anon took another look at the pony currently being assimilated. “I don’t know. I know she didn’t do anything to deserve this, but at the same time I’m hungry, and I don’t even know who she is.”

“Really Anon!” His angel shoulder yelled at him. “Does it really matter if you knew her or not? This is inhuman, you have to do something!”

“Hey, listen toga dude, Anon her only wants to protect the ponies he loves from his favorite TV show from being assimilated. So what if a few background characters get absorbed, they weren’t important enough for the show, so they’re not important enough for Anon.”

Anon thought over what his devil self just said, and turned back to his angel self. “He does have a point, I bet I’d forget about her in about a week’s time, tops.”

“Hey, when your time comes, don’t come crying to me when the water gets hot down under.”

Anon sighed. “Okay, guys. You can go now, I’ve made up my mind.”

“If you say so.” They both said in unison before poofing out of existence.

Anon walked up behind the pony being assimilated and gave her a push into The Thing. “Let me just help you with this.” As the innocent pony’s last remaining eyeball stared back at Anon, he found himself saying. “Sorry about this, but I’m fucking starved like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Thanks, Darling. She was a pain… in the rear.” She gave Anon the most shit eating grin she could muster.

“Oh hardy har, you’re so funny.” Anon then rubbed the back of his head. “So, exactly how are we gonna get out of this predicament without alerting anyone? Cause we’re down what I’m going to assume is a couple chefs—”

“A few.”

“A few chefs, and the waiter could be in here any second to find out what’s happened, and honestly I’m a bit worried right now, and I don’t know what’s weaker: my stomach from lack of food, or my will to live.”

“Don’t be so dramatic.” The Thing rolled her eyes. “Besides, I’m almost done with our dinner.”

“Thing, Amber…” He put a hand on her shoulder. “Please, for the love of Equestria and God’s green earth, can you please stop this for just a moment and acknowledge that this might have been a bad idea?”

“But I did this for you, Anon.” She gave him her biggest puppy dog eyes.

Ouch…

Anon sighed even harder. “I know, I know. But we really need to get out of her before anyone shows up. Please, for me?”

“But what about your dinner, Anon? I know you’re famished.”

“I am, but I got another place in mind. Besides, with these newly acquired assets you’ve got, we can now have restaurant quality food every night for the rest of our lives.”

Please, for fucks sake, just agree to get the fuck out of here before shit goes down.

The Thing, surprisingly enough, wrapped a hoof around Anon and nuzzled his cheek. “Alright, fine. You’ve made your point. You aren’t upset with me, are you?”

“Do you really think I would have shoved that innocent mare inside you if I was upset with you?”

The Thing laughed. “Point taken.” She looked around the kitchen. “So, where do we make a grand getaway?

Anon too looked around, finding a window on the opposite side of the room. “I have an idea.”

* * * *

Suddenly, both Anon and The Thing jumped out of the kitchen window. “Run like hell!” Anon screamed at the top of his lungs, to which nearby ponies looked on with confusion. Anon heaved, the pace he was running the most physical strain he put on himself in a long time.

“Just where are we running to, darling?”

“The fuck away from here, that’s where.” As they turned the corner, they were greeted with the main street of Ponyville. “Quick!” Anon said. “This way!” Anon sprinted down main street, ramming the ponies in his way like a professional football player as he locked on to the target he was aiming for. “I got you in my sights.”

The door to Sugarcube Corner was knocked open at mach twelve as Anon and The Thing barged into the sweet shop with unbridled determination. “Pinkie, quick! We need banana bread!”

Anon grabbed hold of The Thing and tossed her off to the table on his left. “Yeet!”

The Thing yelped in surprise, as she landed perfectly onto her chair. “A little warning first, Anon?”

Anon sat down across from The Thing. “No. No Warnings. Only banana bread.”

Pinkie Pie strolled up to Anon and The Thing, a tray full of banana bread on her back. “Her you are, Mr. Anon sir. Is there anything else you’d like?”

Anon answered her by shoving the banana bread before him into his mouth, gorging himself into a state of pure potassium and sugar.

The Thing giggled. “Well, at least the hunger issue is solved.” She the reminisced to the dish she was preparing for Anon. “I still would have prefered you’d eat what I was making you, but this bread does look delicious, so oh well.” She then began to dig in as well, savoring the delectable taste as heaven found its way into her mouth. She swallowed. “Okay, Anon. This really is good.”

Anon looked to her, grinning with bits of banana bread stuck in his teeth.

Thingpone just rolled her eyes.

Author's Note

Another long wait before this update, but shit happens, but at least it's being worked on. That said, I came up for the idea of this chapter while eating banana bread at work, and It might just be my favorite chapter so far.

Thoughts, critiques? Gripes, groans, or moans?