Anon felt the warm rays of the sun upon his face as the light went through Amber’s bedroom window. He grumbled, and then tossed and turned in his sleep. He then felt an itch by his midsection, so reached down to itch it. It felt off, however, like touching something that instantly makes you want to back off and run the other direction.

“W-what the…” Anon mumbled tiredly. He then proceeded to sit upright, slowing uncovering the blankets wrapped around him. His eyes went wide. “OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD!!!”

The Thing shook her head. “What’s all the commotion?” She then looked down. “OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD!!!”

Anon jumped up out of his bed, The Thing stuck on his midsection. “HOW, WHY, PLEASE BE SHITTING ME!”

“I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY, I’M SORRY!”

They screamed some more, tossed and flailed their arms every which way, and even Anon began jumping up and down. “I thought you loved me…” Anon fell on his ass. “So why in the world are you doing this to me?”

Thingpone looked up to him pleadingly. “I didn’t mean to, I swear! Give me a moment, I’m gonna try and get us unfused.” The Thing’s body shifted, bones cracking, tendons ripping, all of it sending pain throughout Anon’s body.

“ARRRGH!” He screamed in pain.

“Please… just hold on for a moment longer.” As she ripped herself from his midsection, she plopped down to the floor, and Anon was left there, unscathed and looking as good as new. The Thing then jumped onto his lap, giving him a tight, constricting, hug. “I’m, so, so, sorry…” She put her head into his shoulder. “Please forgive me, darling.”

Anon was not a functional human being; this was not just his usual ability to be useless, this was an advanced level of uselessness.

“Anon, please, I’m worried…”

Despite being the first time Anon was ever inside a girl, Anon decided that he never wanted to be in one ever again. He then grabbed hold of The Thing, sat up, and set her back down on the bed. “I think I’ll go look for a job now.”

“B-but are you okay? Please don’t be mad at me, I’m so sorry?” The Thing held her hooves up towards her chest and gave Anon the sweetest most adorable puppy dog eyes he’d ever seen.

He sighed. “Okay, forgiven. But I’m gonna go try and see what I can do to get a job around here, so I’ll be seeing you in a bit, Amber.” He waved her goodbye, The Thing looking a little more at ease, and made his way downstairs and out the door. Today was a start to a new day, and if the moments prior were any indication of how it would go, Anon knew that it was gonna be another eventful one like yesterday.

* * * *

Anon had never had a job before, be that his lack of skills, his self-loathing, or his overall demeanor contributing to that fact. Thus, he found it really hard to start looking for one, even worse, one in a world he knew only from a silly cartoon show in his own world.

Brain, do the thing!

There was silence.

Okay, real funny brain, I know you're in there

Yet more silence.

Fuck you, man.

Anon groaned in frustration, thinking back to the show he adored and what he could possibly do to get a job around Ponyville. There’s Sweet Apple Acres, for starters. He had memories of Applejack bucking apples, and then daydreamed of watching her from afar, taking note of her excellent figure and well positioned strikes. Now that is something I can get behind. I didn't even need a brain to figure this one out. Brains are overrated.

Anon raised his head high, a huge smarmy grin plastered over his face, and lewd thoughts filling his mind as he made his way down Ponyville’s central street. There were ponies staring him up, but he paid it no mind. If he was in any other state of mind, he might have taken notice of the attention he was receiving, but he was too caught up in the moment to care. He was gonna watch Applejack buck some apples, and at the end of the day, that’s all that really mattered to him. It was enough to make him forget about the whole job thing, and honestly, who really needs one anyway? Just a nice pair of succulent, juicy apples to sink your teeth into was what truly mattered in life. Anon knew that more than most.

Big Mac, prepare to meet your new rival. Applejack shall be mine!

As Anon let his ego grow more wild and unruly, fate decided it hadn’t screwed with him enough the last couple of days, and he found himself whisked from the streets and onto the side of a crystal castle. “YEOUCH!” The man yelped in pain. He then found himself being dragged up the structure, his skin digging ever so slightly into the crystal, making his body look like it was ready for a game of tic tac toe. Finally, fate had had enough fun with the guy, and let his body launch through a window and onto the cold hard ground that now lay below him.

A field of magical aura faded from around the man’s body, as a familiar purple alicorn made her way in front of him. Anon got up from the ground, shook his head, and brushed off his shirt and pants. He then winced at the pain from the wounds he had sustained moments prior, and let out another “Yeouch!”

“Here, let me help you with that.” Suddenly, Anon felt himself yet again surrounded by a field of magic, but this time he found his wounds slowly fading away, a warm, fuzzy feeling overtaking him. As they became nothing more than a few faint scars, the alicorn spoke once again. “There, that should make you as good as new.”

Anon’s eye twitched. “Wait, wait. Hold on just a second here.” Anon raised his hands in the air, and then slammed them down towards Twilight’s direction, shaking them wildy. “You mean to tell me you just yoinked me from the streets of Ponyville, to the side of your castle, and up into your.” He looked around. “What is this?”

“My bedroom.”

“Your bedroom, without even bothering to see if maybe, just maybe, I don’t want to be dragged along a castle against my will? And not only that, without first letting me give consent? That’s just uncool.”

“I mean, the consent is kinda dubious, if you ask me.” She then went derp eyed, before shaking her head to reconfigure her brain. “Wait, what am I talking about, I have something important to tell you.” She then grabbed Anon with her magic yet again, “Come, follow me!”

“Jesus, Twiggles. It’s not like I got a choice, do I?” Anon crossed his arms as he was carried out of the room, and down a flight of stairs. How emasculating. Though, this is Twilight fucking Sparkle carrying me, so I should be happier about this, right? He then thought back to his pain from before. No, she is now worst pony.

As Anon was carried out of the room, his head banged against the top part of the doorway, knocking him out cold. Twilight simply paid it no mind, and continued down the crystalline hallway until she came across another set of stairs. Being all too eager to get to her spiel for Anon, she jumped down the flight of stairs and glided to the ground below.

Rushing over to the castle’s library, she threw Anon over to a bean bag chair, his body landing perfectly onto its comfortable surface. Summoning the arcane abilities within her, Twilight took the water from the air and condensed it into a small ball. She then hovered it over Anon and dropped it upon him.

Anon jumped three feet into the air, much like a cat getting startled by an unsuspecting touch of someone’s hand. “Oh, Jesus fuck!” He shouted to the high heavens, before crashing back down to the bean bag below. It was now covered in water, and the worst part was that some of it dripped down to his socks, giving him the most uncomfortable feeling a man could possibly feel.

Anon’s face contorted into itself as he stared down at his once dry, and ultra soft footwear. “I can’t believe you done this.”

“I’ll help with that later, but right now we have to talk about that… thing.”

Anon was taken aback. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the fuck up. What are you talking about, Twiggles?”

Twilight groaned in frustration. “You know, that… thing.”

Anon felt his heart start to sink. How could she possibly know about Amber? Anon rolled over his memories of yesterday’s party. Nope, I don’t believe Starbutt was there, so how could she possibly know about her? Hmm? Brain, think of something to get her to open up.

“And what could you possibly know about extraterrestrial, shape-shifting, unsightly beasts?” Anon raised a brow before realizing what he said, slapping himself upside the head.

No, brain! I meant for that to be subtle!

Twilight’s muzzle scrunched up in confusion. “What are you even talking about?” She sighed. “Nevermind, what I’m trying to say is that what do you know about the mysterious, unexplained, magical anomaly that has appeared above Ponyville yesterday?” She began to march up towards the man. “I know you just recently got here yesterday, and I’ve never seen anything like you, so that makes you a prime suspect for this case. So, tell me what you know about this anomaly for…” She channeled her magic and brought in front of her a quill and notebook. “SCIENCE!”

Anon stood up tall and raised a finger, mouth open wide, but then he lowered his finger and shut his mouth as he realized he had no idea how to answer Twilight’s question. He sat back down and raised a hand to his chin, pondering over what he was gonna say next.

POOF!

Anon heard something appear to his left, and to his surprise, there was a little angel version of himself on his shoulder.

“You should tell her the truth, Anon. The sooner you tell her the truth, the sooner you two can work together to get rid of that abomination and move on with your life with these magical, colorful ponies.”

POOF!

Anon then heard something appear to his right, and as he suspected, there was now a devil version of himself standing on his right shoulder.

“Don’t listen to that guy, he showers naked. Listen to me, what you want to do is tell Twilight that the magical anomaly above is made by yours truly, and if she doesn’t do what you say, you will use it to unleash armageddon upon the world. It’s a win for you buddy, because you will become the overlord of ponykind!”

Anon turned his head left and right over and over, confusing the ever loving fuck out of Twilight. He then sighed before giving a response. “Look, I just want to get a job at Sweet Apple Acres, this shit is getting too whack for me.”

The angel chimed in. “Just imagine how much time you’ll have with Applejack when The Thing is out of the picture.”

Anon replied instantly. “You do have a point, but what if Twilight is unable to actually kill The Thing with her pony pals?”

The devil version of Anon then found himself saying, “And that’s why you need to take advantage of her lack of information, and bang both her and The Thing. I know she’s a creepy mother fucker, but imagine all of your kinks being made into reality.”

“That does sound nice.” Anon put a hand to his chin, considering his options.

Twilight conjourned a flyswatter with her magic, and used it to slap Anon silly. “What in Equestria is wrong with you!?” She then slapped the top of his head one last time for good measure. “Would you please pay answer my question, so we can move onto the more important experiments already.”

Anon got up from his chair and stomped towards the alicorn with blood boiling, and flames in his eyes. “Would you stop interrupting me when I’m having a conversation! Look, that shit up in the sky is something I know as little about as you do, and if you want to fuck with it, be my guest, but I just want a job so I can support myself, and my so called marefriend, no matter how batshit insane she is.”

Anon leered over the mare, showing her just how much bigger he was compared to her. Twilight shriveled up on the inside, slowly backing up to try and get some distance from her and the irate man.

“U-ummmm…” Twilight let out. “I-if you c-come work with me on s-solving this mystery, I’ll pay you a decent wage.”

Anon stopped his approach and stood as still as a telephone pole. His brain acted like the electric wires as his neural circuits were working in overdrive to fully comprehend the implications of going to work for Twilight Sparkle.

They both stared at each other from awkwardly before Twilight broke the silence. “You said you needed a job, and I’m offering one to you as my assistant, so are you gonna take it or not?”

As his gears started to turn, and his fantasies of being Twilight’s test subject came to mind, he all but lunged at the mare, shaking her hoof with all the fury of a thousand angry badgers. “Well, why didn’t you say so before? When do we start work, boss?”

Twilight shook her head to clear her mind of all the nagging details of how absurd her situation was. “Well, I didn’t exactly plan this through, which is surprising for me, and I just needed to ask you about the anomaly in the sky, so I say come back sometime tomorrow and I should have something set up for us.”

“Sounds good to me.” Anon turned around, head held high. “And I thought this was gonna be difficult; this is gonna be the easiest money made in history. I didn’t even need those angel and devil me’s to figure this one out.”

Anon continued onward until he found his way out the door and back to the streets of Ponyville. Now to return with the good news, and see if there’s anything I need to fix and or break at home.

* * * *

Anon opened the door to his new shared home, entering to see the place sparkling clean. “Huh?” He went to the kitchen to see if the fire marks and towels were still there, and to his surprise there was none and a new oven had been installed. “Okay then.”

He turned around to be greeted by a mass of flesh and gore, a pony skull with its facial skin slowly being peeled back right up and close to his face. “Oh, sweet baby Jesus!” Anon screamed, falling on his ass and bumping his head on the kitchen drawer. He rubbed the back of his head before looking back up at the monstrosity before him.

The fleshy beast converged in on itself to form the image of Amber Rose. “Oh, sorry Anon. I just wanted to give you a bit of a scare. Are you alright?”

“My head? Yes. My sanity? No.” Anon got up, grumbling lightly under his breath. “Besides that, what I believe to be a prank, you just pulled on me, you’ve done a real good job here. You even got a new oven. Where in the world did you get the money for that?”

Amber gave a smug grin. “Turns out Amber here had savings hidden away under the mattress. It must have been for something she wanted to do in the future, but since she is no longer with us, I figured I use it for myself, and to get this place back in working order.”

Anon ignored the part about an innocent pony’s demise, and subsequent thievery of her bits, and continued on with his questions. “Besides that, you do anything else today?”

“I went to town and did some grocery shopping, and got to talk with more of the townsfolk. Ya know, make connections and such. We’re gonna need that to make it around here and blend in. But what about you? You get that job you were looking for?”

Anon beamed brighter than the sun. “Boy, did I. Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship herself, is in need of an assistant. You know how we got here from some anomaly in the sky after falling off that cliff?”

Amber raised a brow. “Yeah?”

“Well, we’re gonna be studying that to figure out what it is, and if it is any danger to Equestria. So I get to spend time with the princess and get paid, so that is fucking great.”

The Thing frowned. “Yeah, must be great. But what about spending time with me, Anon? We are a pair, after all, so we have to be plotting the most important bits of our lives together.”

Anon sensed her getting a bit jealous, and remembering the last time this happened, he knew exactly how to rectify the situation. “Of course we are, Amber. I was about to ask if you’d want to go out to dinner tonight. You still got some bits leftover, right?”

The Thing squeed like a little school filly. “Oh my gosh, Anon. I can’t wait, of course I got some bits leftover, quite a bit actually.” She rubbed up next to the man, a few stray tentacles wrapping around Anon’s figure. “We shouldn’t keep the town waiting, now should we?”

Anon shrugged his shoulders while letting out a sigh. “I guess not.” He patted The Thing on the head, making her squee yet again. “Come on, let's get going. I’m famished.”

Author's Note

And yet another chapter is complete. Sorry for a slow update. I blame work, Resident Evil 2, and Kingdom Hearts III for keeping me from reaching my fastest possible writing speed. Though, if that means my slow pace is increasing my quality, then I consider that a fair trade.

I hope you all enjoy, and I especially hope you like the whole angel and devil Anon dynamic. I thought of it at work after remembering one of my favorite movies, "The Emperor's New Groove," in which the character Kronk has to deal with his angel and devil versions. Have a link below for reference:

Expect to see them more as a sort of running gag. I love them immensely.