Chapters The Mane Six Lose Their Collective Shit - A Crackfic
"Ow." Rainbow said flatly, poking at the bruise on her flank.
"Rainbow, stop that." Twilight sighed and handed her a bandage. "Wrap it up if it's hurting so bad."
"You know, if the princesses had just executed somepony once in awhile, we wouldn't keep getting hurt." Rainbow huffed.
"Rainbow!" Fluttershy scolded her.
"Well it's true !" Rainbow defended. "I mean, okay yeah I get why Celestia didn't just end Luna, that was her sister for Faust's sake. But what reason was there to seal the spirit of chaos and disharmony in stone? No offense Fluttershy. And then there was Tirek, who could steal magic and they just... put him in a cage for a millennia. Cuz that's how you deal with a power hungry psychotic mad centaur, you put it in a cage to get more pissed with every minute."
"Normally I abhor violence, but I find I must agree with Rainbow Dash, had they used more forceful methods, they surely would not return to cause trouble. At least Crysalis was only trying to help her hive, and Luna was still Luna just taken over by jealousy. But what use is there in something that just wants to hurt for the sake of hurting?"
"There's a use in everything." Fluttershy whispered.
"Yeah, real useful to seal away a pony in god damn ice. They should have just executed him! I mean, at least then he couldn't have taken the whole Crystal Empire with him when they banished him!" Rainbow shouted.
"The princesses didn't want to lower themselves to murder." Twilight answered.
"Well maybe they shoulda!" Rainbow yelled. "I mean your brother nearly died because they chose to seal away Sombra rather than just kill 'em outright!"
"Well he didn't. And Sombra wasn't even a pony for Faust's sake! He was a shadow brought to life! How were they supposed to kill that?" Twilight countered.
"Oh I dunno, maybe ask your brother and his wife?" Rainbow replied sarcastically.
"I.. Bu- okay fair point, maybe they could have tried harder to kill Sombra, but look at Luna, look at Starlight!" Twilight argued.
"Starlight almost ended the bucking world Twilight." Applejack retorted.
"And how many big bad evil creatures are actually true that we don't know about? We all thought the story of "The Mare In The Moon" was just an old mare's tale, NOPE SURPRISE IT'S PRINCESS LUNA WHO ALMOST ENDED THE DAMN WORLD OVER THE WORLDS WORST TANTRUM! Oh, ya thought Tartarus and Tirek were just stories meant to scare foals? NOPE GOT YA AGAIN! The pony of shadows? Oh wait, he's real too! Oh ha ha ha changlings, what a great excuse for emotional problems in a time before we advanced! Oh look! There's an entire hive of them and a queen! How many more legends are there that we might have to intervene in because the main princesses of Equestria for over a thousand years couldn't handle it!?"
"Well... Technically Celestia and Luna haven't ruled together for a thousa-"
"Not the point Twilight. I mean Celestia commands the sun! Why doesn't she just like fry em to a crisp? Banish them to the sun? For that matter, how did she get control of the sun? Sounds pretty sketchy if you ask me."
"Fair point." Twilight conceded.
"Fuck this!" Rainbow yelled throwing her hooves into the air. "I am so sick of cleaning up the messes of the princesses!"
"Hey..." Twilight whispered.
"Not you, obviously." Rainbow assured her.
"How many times have we had to fix other ponies shit Twilight?" Rainbow asked.
"I don't know." Twilight said.
"No, think for a second, do it. I know you can do it." Rainbow insisted.
".......742."
"Seven-hundred-and-fourty-two that's more than twice a week in just the six years we've all been friends!"
"That... that's mighty impressive." Applejack said. "Maybe we should be proud of ourselves!"
"And yet who is considered the all loving powerful rules of Equestria?" Pinkie asked sarcastically. "Bucking Celestia and Luna!"
"Oh look at me! I'm a pretty little pony princess, ladeeda, oh look this thing wants to destroy the world, better seal him in stone that can be broken by chaos happening in front of it!" Twilight pranced around the room.
"Twilight, you helped put Tirek back in his bucking cage ." Rainbow deadpanned.
"Oh, right." She stopped prancing.
"And he's guarded by a guard dog that apparently could be tamed, just... why?" Rainbow asked.
"Maybe they needed a tame one in case they ever needed to check up on the prisoners?" Fluttershy offered.
"Fluttershy, you barely tamed that beast and it's your special talent. Not to mention how many animals probably got hurt because of their refusal to properly handle shit!" Rainbow threw up her hooves.
Fluttershy did not respond, merely looked at the floor.
"And lets not forget bucking Starswirl the Idiot !" Rainbow screeched.
"Hey!" Twilight yelled.
"Twilight, he left an unfinished spell that, had you not worked out would have tormented us for the rest of our lives, and just left it. Didn't even say what it did. Or maybe he did and Celestia just didn't tell us!" Rainbow shouted.
"The princess knew what she was doing!" Twilight scolded.
"Did she? Does she really know what she's doing, Discord was able to steal the Elements of Harmony from right under Celestia's oversized muzzle Twilight!" Shouted Rainbow.
"He's a spirit of chaos! Of course he can do what he wants!"
"Really? Really? Because when Tirek put Discord in that bubble, his magic was useless. Why didn't Celestia go for the elements to protect them the second she learned Discord had broken free?" Rarity asked.
"That's not the point! Tirek is powerful!"
"And Celestia and Luna aren't two of the most powerful alicorns to have ever existed?"
"Well... They are but-"
"But nothing Twilight! They could have put a stop to this!" Applejack yelled.
"How do you know?"
"How do you know if they even tried?" Applejack asked. "Surely you'd of felt that kinda powerful magic happening?"
"I...I..um..." Twilight began to think. "You're right. I would have."
"See! They are terrible leaders!"
"Didn't think I'd agree with Rainbow Dash on this, but... yeah they are pretty terrible." Pinkie sighed.
"You know what girls? Buck it. Lets kill 'em."
Author's Note
Forgive me.
The Mane Six Lose Their Collective Shit - A Crackfic
Applejack's assasination attempt
"How do you kill a princess anyway?" Pinkie asked.
Twilight shrugged. "I have no idea, I mean, I know what won't work, but not what will."
"So what won't work?" Pinkie questioned.
"Well, I seem immune to heights, as well as just a blast, I mean, yeah Celestia got knocked down by Chrysalis, but still, she was all doped up on my brothers love for Cadance."
"So, blasting to smithereens is out of the question?"
"Yes."
"Damn."
"Can we throw her off a cliff?"
"Pinkie, I just said we're immune to heights."
"Oh. Yeah."
"How about a poison apple al'a Snow White?" Applejack suggested.
"We could give them poison cupcakes? At the least it'd probably make them sick!" Pinkie said happily.
"Hey, I suggested poison first, so we should go with apples first!" Applejack yelled pounding her hoof on the table.
"Don't be silly Applejack, we all know the story of Snow White, so the princesses won't eat an apple some creepy ugly mare gives them."
"You callin' me creepy?" Applejack glared.
"No! It's part of the story you silly filly! The beautiful queen transforms herself into an ugly old hag and gives Snow White the apple that puts her to sleep until she gets true love's kiss! So obviously a princess won't eat apples!"
"You know, I think Pinkie is right, I don't think I've ever seen Celestia eat an apple by itself."
"So put the poison in a pie!" Applejack threw her hooves up.
"I think cooking might destroy it." Pinkie answered.
"Ugh, you put it in after the pie is cooked obviously." Applejack rolled her eyes.
"Oh, right." Pinkie replied. "Alright then, hold your horsefeathers girls, I got this shit!"
Pinkie, in Pinkie fashion, came back shortly with a pie.
"I made it special, just gotta hide it in my mane pocket dimension until we get to Canterlot Castle!" Pinkie cheered and bounced around.
"I'm not sure if poison will actually work though..." Twilight mused. "Whatever, lets try it."
So after several hours and several Pinkie hijinks, they arrived at Canterlot Castle, Pinkie presenting the pie to Luna and Celestia.
"Oh I love pie!" Celestia cheered and cut herself a slice. "Do you not want to share my little ponies?"
"Oh no, we already ate, we just wanted to give you a nice apple pie we all worked on together to thank you for doing such a good job." Twilight waved her hoof dismissively.
"Well that is very sweet of you all." Luna smiled and begin to eat her slice.
The mane six watched with baited breath.
Pinkie was in the hallway, banging her head into the wall.
"Of course they're immune to cyanide!" She muttered and began a series of expletives that got louder and louder.
"Twilight, is your friend okay?" Luna asked, finishing her half of the pie, watching Pinkie beat herself into the wall.
"Uh... yeah, haha, she's fine. She's just disappointed she couldn't have any." Twilight smiled forcefully.
"Are you alright Twilight, you seem tense." Celestia asked.
"Do I?" Twilight answered through a smile.
Pinkie saw their efforts falling apart, and pulled a knife from her mane.
"Hey, Celestia, you got some stuff stuck to you, I'll cut it out!" Pinkie offered bouncing up to the white alicorn. Her hoof caught in the carpet and Pinkie careened forward, the knife flew from her mouth, headed directly for Celestia... and bounced off of her chest.
"Horseapples." Pinkie cursed.
"Oh dear, you're lucky our skin is nearly impenetrable!" Celestia laughed and helped the earth pony up.
"Nearly impenetrable?" Pinkie questioned.
"Well yes, obsidian though could hurt us." Celstia mused.
"Realllllly." Pinkie smiled.
"Okay well that's all we needed, but... just... out of curiosity, where is obsidian anyway and could it be like mixed with like, nitrate, to kill an alicorn? Hypothetically of course."
"Well.... it could." Celestia answered evasively. "There's many things obsidian can be mixed with, it was a very handy weapon in the past. But after Ghastly Gorge's creation when someone mixed nitrate and trinitrotoluene with an obsidian stone, we had to ban the import of obsidian, too many ponies getting ideas of causing smaller explosions."
Pinkie began to do mental math on just how much nitrate, obsidian, and trinitrotoluene would be needed to blast a princess apart.
Maybe a castle too.
Author's Note
No! Pinkie! That's too far!
The Mane Six Lose Their Collective Shit - A Crackfic
Dash's disasterous defeat
"Blowing things up? Poison? Pitfalls? Come on guys, those are terrible ." Rainbow said laughing. "Funny, but terrible."
"At least it'll take them awhile to rebuild the throne room." Rarity said.
"Oh no! How ever will Celestia cope without a freaking throne! Oh woe is Celestia, she can't sit her big fat sunbutt down!" Rainbow exclaimed dramatically. "Pinkie got really lucky with Luna as Twilight has already established. So pitfalls are out."
"Might have used up all her luck for the next six years." Twilight added.
"Why don't I suggest a race and then do a sonic rainboom right in front of her, she might explode!" Rainbow exclaimed happily.
"Have you ever exploded?" Twilight rolled her eyes.
"No, but that's cuz I actually did it ! For all we know ponies caught in the blast would blow up."
"I don't believe an explosion will work darling." Rarity said pouting.
"Just because yours didn't work?" Rainbow teased.
"No!" Rarity answered defensively. "I just think if a throne being blasted away right under Celestia's sunbutt ass didn't destroy her, a sonic rainboom wouldn't do it either."
"Fair point." Rainbow sighed. "How about, idk, we do another race!"
"Uh... she's got enough stamina to outlast you Dash."
"That's what she said!" Pinkie giggled.
"Oh shut up Pinkie." Rainbow rolled her eyes. "I mean just like before, with wings tied, and then we push her off a cliff!"
"Probably not, but ya know what? If extremes haven't worked so far, maybe this will, nothing else makes sense in this crazy bucking world anymore anyway!" Twilight yelled.
"So.... cliff race?" Rainbow asked.
"Cliff race." The others answered with nods.
And that was how Celestia, Rainbow, and Twilight all ended up together along the gorge with their wings tied.
Celestia, they insured, was on the outside edge, near the cliffs, and Twilight and Rainbow would push her together.
"3....2....1... RACE!" Pinkie cheered blasting her party cannon.
They all took off running, Celestia humoring them and keeping pace.
"Now?" Rainbow whispered.
"Now!" Twilight screamed and lunged towards Celestia, Rainbow quickly following.
Celestia tumbled down the cliff edge and was still.
"Whoa, did we just Lion King her?" Twilight asked.
"It is alright, I am okay my little ponies." Celestia called getting up.
"GODDAMNSONOFAMOTHERWHORE!" Rainbow screamed.
Author's Note
Dash, did you actually expect that to work?
The Mane Six Lose Their Collective Shit - A Crackfic
"So, obviously, as I already said heights don't work." Twilight said as she wrote.
"Yeah yeah." Rainbow grumbled.
"So, how about we just I don't know, lock her in a magic proof room?" Twilight asked.
"Do those exist?!" Rarity yelled. "We could have done that ages ago!"
"Well... no, but I could attempt a spell to reverse her magic and make it implode back in on her if she tries to escape."
"Egghead." Rainbow teased.
"You thought pushing her off a cliff would work despite me telling you heights wouldn't work!"
"It was worth a shot!"
"No, it was not, you wasted time and energy on a method I already told you was futile." Twilight shook her head.
"Fine fine." Rainbow muttered.
"I think, we're going to try implosion, just give me a bit to get the shit worked out."
And so, once again, the ponies were in the throne room, presenting their newest present to Princess Celestia.
Celestia unwrapped the crude cookoo clock and simply stared at it.
"Is this a joke?" She asked.
"No!" Twilight exclaimed dramatically. "It was supposed to look much better!"
"Well, it's quite a disaster." Celestia agreed.
A pink bubble surrounded Celestia suddenly.
"I'll fix it!" Twilight said happily.
"Three..... twoooooooo.... BOOM!" Pinkie cheered as at the same time the clock exploded into many tiny sharp fragments, the bubble filling with smoke, and then it shattered.
"Oh dear, Twilight you need to get your money back." Celestia laughed.
Twilight said nothing and stormed from the room.
"I can't believe you actually thought that would work." Rainbow laughed following.
Author's Note
Twilight, we established earlier booms won't work!
The Mane Six Lose Their Collective Shit - A Crackfic
Flutteryshy's fantastic failure
"Come on Flutters! You're the only one who hasn't gotten to try!" Rainbow cheered on her friend as she sat thinking of how to kill an alicorn.
"So, close range explosions, no go. Heights are also futile. And poison." Fluttershy said.
"Yes. We established this." Pinkie pouted.
"What if we just let Celestia keep ruling, I mean, she's not that bad." Fluttershy said.
"Animal killer." Rainbow stated.
"I'm gonna kill her!" Fluttershy screamed. "With a bear."
"With a what?" Twilight asked.
"A bear. Let an angry bear loose in the throne room." Fluttershy said.
"How do you even expect to get a bear in the throne room, let alone an angry one?" Twilight asked.
"Oh. Well how about we invite Celestia here and then I tell her someone needs to see her and then bring out the angry bear?" Fluttershy asked.
"Again, we would need control of said angry bear Fluttershy." Twilight sighed.
"Oh. Right." She answered.
"Anything?" Rainbow asked after twenty mintues.
"No, I just can't think of any-I got it!" Fluttershy exclaimed.
"What's the plan Fluttershy? We're counting on you!"
"We set her on fire." Fluttershy said.
"Fluttershy, she controls the sun . She's immune to fire!" Twilight yelled.
"Oh." She said gently.
"I can have my chickens peck her to death!" Fluttershy said excitedly.
"Well, I mean nothing else has worked so far, besides that pitfall, and I still say dumb luck!" Twilight exclaimed.
Fluttershy trotted happily into the still demolished throne room and approached Celestia, a cart trailing behind her.
Fluttershy approached the throne and bowed.
"Fluttershy, what is the reason for this visit?" Celestia stared the yellow Pegasus down, exhaustion clear in her face.
"I brought you chickens." Fluttershy answered.
"Oh, Philomina will be so happy!" Celestia said happily.
"Oh, she likes company?" Fluttershy asked.
"Oh no, she eats chickens." Celestia said.
"Eep." Fluttershy stumbled back, kicking the chicken cart back into the hallway, or attempting to, instead it crashed into the wall and blew apart, chickens fluttered everywhere, several escaped from the lowest knocked down wall.
"Oh my." Fluttershy whispered cowering down. "I'm sorry."
The Mane Six Lose Their Collective Shit - A Crackfic
Princesses presenting presents
"Twilight!" A familiar voice called.
"Wha-" Twilight stared dumbfounded at the blue alicorn before her. "Wha-bu-you."
"It would appear the changelings were back to their old tricks. It was just lucky you knew we were not ourselves." Celestia beamed.
"Bu-bu-bu-bu-" Rainbow Dash sputtered.
"WHAT THE BUCKING HELL?" Pinkie screamed. "I went and looked into bucking poison for nothing!? What in the shit!"
"For your dedication to the crown, you shall be rewarded." Luna smiled.
"No!" Twilight screamed and teleported away.
Author's Note
Honestly, this was way too much fun to write. I might do more like this.
The Mane Six Lose Their Collective Shit - A Crackfic
"Come on girls, we're gonna dig a hole!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"A hole?"
"A whole hole!" Pinkie cheered.
"Why a hole?" Rainbow asked.
"Technically a hole is always whole." Twilight said at the same time.
"We dig a whole hole, we fill it with poisonous poison, and spikey spikes, and then we lure the princesses into it!"
"Pinkie... they can fly." Twilight corrected.
"Not if they're too shocked to use their wings!" Pinkie singsonged.
"You know, you are surprisingly logical sometimes." Twilight said staring at her pink friend.
"I know, now help me dig!" Pinkie threw shovels at the other five, leaving them briefly wondering where they'd come from.
"I still think we coulda just snuck more poison into the pie." Applejack muttered.
"Nope!" Pinkie responded popping up by Applejack.
"Ugh, fine fine, my plan was terrible, happy?"
"It wasn't terrible! We just didn't account for the variable of the princesses being immune to cyanide, I mean, who woulda guess that ?" Pinkie giggled.
"Twilight." Rainbow Dash answered.
"Hey!"
"Well it's true!" Rainbow retorted as she tried to dig quickly.
"Not even I can account for every variable Rainbow Dash. I thought years of friendship would have taught you that by now."
"Yeah but you're usually close you egghead." Rainbow teased.
"Rainbow! You're getting dirt all over my face!" Applejack scolded. "Watch what you're doin'!"
“Okay, I think that’s deep enough. Where’s the acidy poison?”
“Right here.” Twilight hovered a carefully sealed barrel over the hole and uncorked it, gently pouring some acid in.
“Are the spikes dissolving?” Twilight asked.
“Nope! They’re perfectly perfect!”
Twilight carefully poured in the rest so that they would not be splashed by the acid and then Pinkie and Applejack drug a tarp over the hole. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash then carefully swept dirt and debris over the tarp to hide it.
They did a terrible job.
Bits of twigs and clods of dirt were scattered over the blue tarp, still easily visible. They'd have to hope the princesses just weren't paying attention.
"Okay Pinkie, go get them, tell them, I don't know, we've got a statue in their honor or something." Twilight instructed examining the pitfall closely.
"Okey dokey lokey!" Pinkie bounced away.
As Pinkie reappeared bouncing along, with the princesses following, the others carefully stepped just behind the hidden pitfall.
"You really think this'll work?" Apple Jack asked.
"It can't be worse than poison ." Twilight teased.
"Hey! We didn't know they was immu-"
FWUMP
"Oh dear!" Celestia landed by them while Luna careened into the hole.
"Oh no! There was a pitfall?" Twilight exclaimed rushing to the edge.
She peered into it to see Luna impaled by the spikes, and being dissolved by acid.
"Sorry Celestia, your sister is dead." Twilight stated matter-of-factually.
"Oh, well that's a shame. I guess it's back to ruling alone." Celestia shrugged.
Author's Note
HUZZAH! THE FUN HAS BEEN DOUBL- oh wait, it's been halved. Sorry Luna.
The Mane Six Lose Their Collective Shit - A Crackfic
"So Rares, how do we take care of Celestia?" Apple Jack asked.
"Yeah, Rarity hasn't had a chance to try yet!" Pinkie said happily, still happy her plan worked.
"Hmmm. Well, that pitfall was shockingly effective, honestly maybe Luna deserved it if she was too dumb to fly away. But, how about we just destroy Celestia's reputation? I could probably manage it."
"You know... you're right, why didn't she even try?" Twilight asked.
"Shock makes you do crazy things!" Pinkie said happily.
"Pinkie, I've only had my wings a few years and it's already instinct, Luna's had hers for over a thousand." Twilight pointed out.
"Oh, well.... luck?"
"Indeed, nothing but luck, forgive me Pinkie, but an assassination requires much more finesse." Rarity sat musing over her various ideas. "You did have quite a good idea earlier on just blowing everything up, but of course innocent ponies would get in the way and that would just be more messy that was needed."
"Would not!" Pinkie defended.
"Hush Pinkie, I'm thinking." Rarity ordered.
"I could just shove her off a huge cliff."
"Rarity, wings." Twilight sighed.
"Didn't work for Luna." Rarity pointed out.
"And I said already that was odd."
"How about...just, knock down the throne room while Celestia is in it, crush her to death?" Rarity suggested.
"That... might work. As long as we made sure no innocent ponies were in the way." Twilight answered.
"You get the dynamite, I'll scope it out!" Rainbow said and took off like a rocket.
"Oh, well... I guess we're doing this." Rarity sighed.
It turned out, explosives were shockingly easy to get, and ponies didn't tend to ask questions.
After several hours they had the dynamite carefully planted around the throne room.
"Go get Celestia, tell her, I don't know, tell her we have chocolate cake or some shit." Twilight instructed Pinkie Pie.
Within minutes Pinkie was back with the princess.
"So, cake?" Celestia asked.
"Yeah, we just gotta go get it! Go wait in your throne room!" Rarity instructed.
"I suppose for cake I can wait." Celestia smiled and trotted in.
"Press it?" Pinkie asked vibrating as she held the detonator.
"Not yet." Rarity watched carefully, until Celestia sat on her throne.
"Now!"
Pinkie slammed the button, and the throne rocketed into the sky with a large explosion.
They heard the screaming of Celestia get fainter, and then stop.
"Wow.... it worked."
A flash of light in the now destroyed throne room.
"Oh my. What on earth was that?" Celestia asked examining her obliterated throne room.
"Buck this!" Rarity screamed.
Author's Note
Weeeeeeee goes the princess!
The Mane Six Lose Their Collective Shit - A Crackfic
Spike's successful slaying
"Twilight!" Spike called looking for his friend.
"Ugh, she's gone again, isn't she?" He muttered darkly as he started banging open doors.
He flung open a door and found the princess, his friends staring at Celestia now impaled on a chandelier that had fallen when he threw open the door.
"Uhhhhh...."
"Spike... you.. you just.. the chandelier.."
"I'm sorry!" Spike yelled. "Don't tell anyone! Please!"
"Shhh. Spike, it's okay. We just have to hide the body." Twilight said quickly teleporting the now deceased alicorn into the everfree forest.
"Wait, if the princesses are both dead, who's gonna rule equestria?"
"We are, of course." Twilight answered.
