A Mad Man in A Filly's Body

Okay, let's assess this situation. I'm in the apple fields near Sweet Apple Acres, and I have no idea where I am other than that. Unless some map appears from nowhere or it just so happens to magically appear next to me or literally fly into my face, that's all I'm gonna know. Hmm? What the?

I pulled off a yellow sticky note from the top of my head. Must've gotten stuck before I knocked myself out.

Hmmm... Pretty blank. Let's see if this bow contains anything useful.

I pulled out a red marker and rolled my eyes.

Why does this not surprise me...

I put the note down for a second and wrote down my objectives for today by using my mouth to move the marker.

As much as I don't want to, finding Applejack and the others in the Apple Family might be a good idea. Hmm... I better check in with Twilight while I'm at it, she might have an idea as to what's going on with me. And while I'm at it I might as well get a bite to eat, you REALLY work up an appetite when you're going postal in your own room.

Speaking of postal my rage still hasn't simmered down since my discovery. I better be careful or my next action could get somebody killed. ..... Eh. It's not like anyone really matters in the show outside of the Mane 6, Spike, the CMC, Student 6, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, Cheerilee, Celestia, Luna, Big Mac, Discord, Muffins, Sunset Shimmer, Sunburst, the Dazzlings, Trixie, Cadence, Flurry Heart, King Sombra, Chrysalis, Thorax, Ember, Garble, Pharynx, Tirek, Nightmare Moon, Gilda, Ms. Harshwhinny, Mayor Mare, Flash Sentry, Moondancer, Lightning Dust, Granny Smith, the Cakes, The Doctor, Double Diamond, Night Glider, Sugar Bell, Party Favor, Prince Blueblood, Fancy Pants, Fleur de Lis or however the hell you spell her name, Saphire Shores, Rara, Lyra, Bon-Bon/Sweetie Drops, Colgate or Minuette or whatever the fuck, Bulk Biceps, Snips, and Snails. Everyone else? Expendable. Though I suppose it would be more politically correct to kill the women and the minorities first.

Wait... what am I even talking about?

Shaking myself I placed the marker back in my bow, placed the sticky note in it as well, and headed off.

I've been walking for thirty god damn minutes! Where the fuck is some civilization?!!? I need a map. ... Never thought I'd be saying that in my life.

Luckily though I didn't need one now as I heard the sound of a party up ahead.

Why does this not surprise me...

Poking my head around an apple tree I noticed it was an apple family reunion.

For the love of god please let Twilight be an alicorn and Apple Bloom has her cutie mark.

They didn't look like they were in sight anyways so I rolled right into the reunion without much trouble. I eventually headed to the inside of the barn and made my way up to Apple Bloom's room to find her not there much to my displeasure, and yet relief. Though the pictures were a DEFINITE indication this was Season 8 Apple Bloom. This both complicates things and yet opens up some interesting doors. As long as the Postal III morality system's not involved with said doors this should open up so many opportunities for me to screw up. That is something that frightens me, yet something I don't mind being on board with. I then headed downstairs and around back where I think I found my first weapon. A machete. Why this is back here, I have no clue. And why did I say weapon? It's not like I'm gonna kill someone any time soon.

"Hey, cos'?"

"AHHHH!!!"

On instinct I quickly turned around and slashed with the machete slicing the pony's head off. I then noticed I had accidentally killed Bab Seed.

"Oops... Great... I've only been here for thirty-six minutes and I've already killed someone. Eh... It's just Bab Seed. Nothing really came of her after Season 3 anyways. Though to make sure..."

I then placed Babs's body on my back and carried her head in my mouth.

Eww... Good thing there's a lake nearby.

Soon enough after ten minutes of walking I eventually reached the lake and dumped the body and head into it. Watching for a few seconds as they floated downstream. Eventually, I made my way back to the Apple Family Reunion just in time to see it end.

Jesus even in real life these events just come and go. It's like the only purpose they ever serve is to set something up for later or introduce the main conflict of the episode or exist to be just simply contrived reasons for something to happen.

Thoughts aside, I tried to go inside when...

"Back already Apple Bloom?"

...my attention was captured by Applejack herself.

What she said has just made me go from anxious to paranoid in a second.

"Um... yeah." I replied to the orange mare as she went up to me

"Was school let off early today or something?"

"Yeah."

"Where are yer bags then?"

"I... slipped in while no one was looking. I was... trying to surprise you guys with my early arrival. I came back to drop off my books though. I was just on my way to meet up with Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle at Sugarcube Corner to discuss matters involving helping others find their talents."

I will not be surprised if she doesn't buy that-

"Well head on ahead sis. Best not keep yer friends waiting."

You gotta be fucking kidding.

"Alrighty then, later sis!" I said as I ran off as fast as I could

As soon as I was out of sight of them I caught my breath.

Okay, Apple Bloom being in school was NOT in my plans.

Either way, I took out the note and marked out the Applejack reminder.

Some help SHE was. Last thing I need though is her accusing me of being Chrysalis. Time to see what else awaits me.

Putting everything back into my bow, I couldn't help but notice a nearby shovel on the ground.

Looks like it belongs to Sweet Apple Acres. Probably dropped it during a return trip-

My train of thought was interrupted when I heard the sound Apple Bloom's voice. I quickly hid behind a tree, shovel in tow, as I watched her pass by.

Shit! This is NOT going to my plans!

I clenched the shovel and did the only thing I knew to do. I ran towards her and hit her hard over the head with the shovel knocking her out.

Sorry to do this to you Apple Bloom but I can't have you muddling in my plans right now!

I proceeded to drag Apple Bloom's unconscious, at least I hoped it was, body into a clearing where I left her there and headed off into town. Grabbing a nearby map of the town from a "Welcome to Ponyville" sign I marked where I needed to go to, placing the sticky note on the map as well, and headed off now that I had my bearings. I even made a new objective for myself that I wrote onto the sticky note.

The jigs gonna be up sooner or later. I hope Rarity doesn't mind if I "borrow" some clothes from her shop so that they can tell me apart from the real Apple Bloom. Maybe I can finally live out my fantasy of dressing like the Postal Dude from Postal III. That game was shit but boy did he look stunning. Might as well change the bow color too while I'm at it. The pink is getting on my nerves.

It was actually the first thing I did. While Rarity had made it clear she nor Sweetie Belle was home, I still managed to find a way in and with the new clothing in tow, I left the building. While I was at it I even took all the scissors from Carousel Boutique as well. I mean why not. If the Postal Dude can find a way to weaponize them, then I sure as hell can find a way. Though it was at this point I finally realized that I had the shovel and machete still with me. I don't know how, but then again Pinkie has shown multiple times hammerspace is a thing in the show so what am I to question where all these weapons are being hidden?

Eventually, I came across Twilight as she and Ms. Should Be In Jail or Executed Right Now had finished talking about something, I didn't catch what it was though but knowing those two it was probably something about magic, and eventually, the purple bookworm finally noticed me.

"Oh, he- uh... Apple Bloom? What's with the new look?" Twilight questioned

"What's wrong with a new look?" I sternly asked, "What, you think I can't dress up every once in a while or something?!"

"N-no o-of course not! It's just so weird seeing you in something other than just a pink bow."

"Why should that be of a concern? We practically go around naked and showing ourselves anyways."

"We do not do that in public! That's reserved for bedroom activities!"

"Yeah well try telling that to your tail every time you see Flash Sentry." I deadpanned

"..."

Got her.

"Touche little filly. Touche. Wait. Aren't you supposed to be in school right now?"

"Twilight do you even pay attention to the time of the day anymore?"

"Oh..."

"Look Twilight, I don't exactly have time to explain, but things are gonna get a little complicated."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm not the real Apple Bloom. I know that sounds hard to believe, but it's the truth. I can prove it as well. Ask me something only the REAL Apple Bloom would know."

"Alright. How many relatives are in the Apple Family? Only the REAL Apple Bloom would-"

"How the fuck should I know? Those damn apples have more fluctuating numbers than Lemmings."

"-one, you're DEFINITELY not Apple Bloom. Secondly, watch your language young filly!"

"I was eighteen years old and just graduated high school before I turned into this, I don't give a shit!"

"You were TURNED into Apple Bloom? How?!"

"How in the hell should I know?! These types of fics have vaguer origin stories than the Postal Dude's!"

"That's not helping!"

"Well I came looking for you because I figured you'd be of some help to me in turning back and going back home but it looks like this was just more pointless than the Ertl Theodore the Tugboat toys!"

"Wha? But anyways, I'm not useless! You're just being uncooperative right now!"

"How can I be uncooperative when I know as much as you do on the mater?! I woke up like this and was in the middle of going postal when I knocked myself out and woke up in the apple orchard!"

"You knocked yourself out? How?"

"Honestly I don't even remember how. I think either something hit my head or I hit it on something because I woke up feeling pain all over my head from my eyes to my medulla oblongata."

"In actual words please."

"Those ARE words, you uncultured dunce." I groaned, "Jesus Christ I'm getting nowhere at this rate. This truly WAS the most pointless thing I've ever done. I wanna go postal real bad. I just wanna fucking kill someone-"

Suddenly there were gunshots from nearby. I pulled out the shovel and smirked.

"That's the ticket." I went and headed for the sounds

"WAIT, IT'S TOO DANGEROUS!" I heard Twilight shout as she gave chase

I soon enough arrived on the scene. Griffons were holding up a bank wielding Silenced M9's, or what LOOKED to be M9's anyway.

Figures the only ones who'd be able to use guns would be the ones to have them.

"Hi, there!" I announced as I pulled out the machete

"What in the...?" went one of the Griffon Bandits

"You probably thought you weren't going to die today. Surpriiisee!" I said before throwing the machete

The machete made a slicing noise as it hit the three griffons and returned back to my hoof.

"And the hoof is still attached! Thank you VERY much!" I commented as I put away the machete and picked up the dropped weapons, more specifically one gun and the ammo from the rest

At that moment, Twilight arrived just in time to see the Griffon bodies sump over as their heads finally fell off. At that point, my stomach growled as well.

"Damn I really am hungry. Hmm... I wonder what Griffon tastes like."

I then grabbed a nearby gas can and poured gasoline over the bodies before putting it down, taking out a box of matches, lighting the match, and tossed it onto the bodies setting them ablaze. I took a quick whiff and moaned in pleasure at my work.

"Mmmnnn... Slow roasted goodness~" I commented

Once I felt they were done, I pulled down the pants, pulled down my panties, moved my tail and trench coat aside and proceeded to pee on the corpses.

"Now the flowers will grow." I said before eventually stopping and pulling my pants and stuff back into place

I then pulled the machete back out and sliced up the remains and eating some of it. I quenched my hunger, but at the price of coughing up some.

"Ugh... burned. I need to cook this better next time."

At that point, many couldn't hold their lunch in anymore and vomited like no tomorrow.

"Pfft. Sissies." I commented

That little scene I did would only end up having me being put in front of the Mane 6 and the CMC themselves for further questioning. It went about as well as you think considering they looked pissed to no end.

"Soooo. What am I here for?" I asked

"We need to have a talk, whoever you are!" Twilight replied, "You said to me that you appeared in the apple fields after knocking yourself out! And from what I've heard and seen, you knocked Apple Bloom out cold, stole those clothes from Rarity's Boutique, and murdered three Griffons before burning their corpses, peeing on them to put them out, and eating part of them before just saying you should cook them better NEXT TIME, who or for that matter, WHAT are you?!!?"

"Geesh. You make it sound like I'm a bad person." I smirked

"EXCUUUSE ME?!" Twilight went like she was insulted, "YOU ARE A BAD PERSON FOR DOING ALL THAT!"

"Could've fooled me."

Twilight screamed like as if she was about to have a brain aneurism.

"Hehehe. The gene pool is stagnant, and I am the minister of chlorine." I joked

"WHO IN THE HOOF ARE YOU?!" Twilight asked as she picked me up, her eyes twitching

"Hey all you had to do was ask nicely and I would've answered."

Twilight looked pissed.

"What's the matter? You look like you're about to strangle me."

She muttered something under her breath, but I could tell she said she was really wanting to.

"Okay then. We'll do this your way. Could you please tell us who you are, or for that matter, WHAT you are so we can help you turn back to normal?"

"To answer what I am, I'm actually a human from the planet Earth."

"A human? But humans have been extinct for years."

Son of a bitch this is gonna be one of THOSE settings ain't it...

"Great. I'm in the future. My only question is what fucking moron turned the world into what is now."

"Uh, Applejack? What does fu-"

"WHEN YOU'RE OLDER!" Applejack quickly answered

"Sissy!" I taunted like the Postal 2 Dude, "Don't worry Apple Bloom I'll fill you in."

Applejack shot me a death glare and my response was a simple yawn.

"Are you gonna kill me already or do you not wanna be seen as a child murderer?" I went making Applejack back off, "Yeah that's what I thought."

"Hey! Watch it, kid! Applejack's my friend!" Rainbow Dash shouted standing up for Applejack

"You better be the one backing off or I'll take this machete and cut your wings off the next time you fall asleep." I warned

Rainbow QUICKLY backed off.

"Wait.... could you-"

"I ain't that movie obsessive imbecile from the other world." I stated cutting off Twilight before she could finish, "I used to be an eighteen year old named.... fuck... I can't remember my name."

"What..."

"Yeah.... I can't remember my damn name to save the life of me. Eh. For now, just call me Postal Bloom."

"Ah think yer name should be-"

"You put a fucking apple into my name and I'll follow you home and kill your dog."

Applejack instantly shut up.

"I need to see the princesses. Maybe they know what happened and how we can send her back." Twilight stated

"Send her back? Looking like me?" Apple Bloom interrupted

"You think sending me home is a bad idea?" I said pulling out the shovel, "I'm giving you guys three seconds to explain yourself before I bash you across the skull so hard you'll need to go to wear shopping bags across your ass because of the fact you won't be able to contain your shit and piss."

"Ah jus’ meant sendin’ ya looking an’ soundin’ like me might not be the best!" Apple Bloom quickly responded

"Oooh. I get ya." I said putting away the shovel, "I suppose it would be confusing if two of the same people were running around one small populated town."

.....

"So that's it then. All the work I did towards earning my high school diploma's just gone down the toilet..." I went as Twilight finally put me down

Sweetie Belle made the bold move of coming over to hug me. As soon as she held me I couldn’t stop myself. I wrapped my legs around her neck and bawled. I couldn’t hold it in. This was all just too much. Not only had I been through everything I already had, now I'm in Equestria, with no explanation as to why or how. I'm completely separated from my parents, my siblings, everyone I know and cared about. I was a stranger in a world I wasn’t even sure had existed until a few minutes ago and I'm all on my own. I cried for what felt like hours, just crying, not wanting to be here, but knowing I didn’t have a say in the matter. All the while, Sweetie Belle, and eventually Applejack, held me, rubbing my back and making soothing noises. It helped... a little. At some point, I was vaguely aware of Twilight saying something about sending a letter to the princess but didn’t listen. I didn’t want to listen. I just wanted to be home, to be with my family and friends, to live my life without any more weirdness than I’d already had to deal with. At some point, I must have cried myself to sleep, because I woke up to find Applejack still holding me, her head resting on top of mine and I was in what looked to be the Sweet Apple Acres homestead.

“Ah... Ah know how ya feel Bloom.” she whispers, either just to say it or because she knew I was awake again, “Ah know just how ya feel.”

I punched her in the face and got off of her.

"Shut up. Shut the fuck up. You have no idea how I feel."

"Yes, Ah do. Ah know just how ya feel.”

"You better shut the fuck up right now befoe I cut your head off. You have NO idea what I feel right now. All my hard work towards a high school diploma's been thrown away, I've been separated from my parents. You have no clue how this feels!!!"

I realize just what I’ve said too late.

Whoops... I think I went too far.

Applejack looked at me, an angry, but sad look in her eyes. They start to fill with tears and she wipes them away with a foreleg, before looking back at me.

“Ah know just how that feels, Bloom. Ah lost mah parents when Ah was just a little filly. Apple Bloom was barely more than a foal.”

She moves forward and I tried to move away, worried she’d hurt me. The bed didn’t give me much room to move and I’d somehow gotten my hind legs tangled in the cover.

Fuck...

She reached out and I braced for the worse, only for her to wrap her hooves around me and hold me close.

Well that was anti-climactic.

“Ah know how it feels ta lose yer parents. Ah do.”

"Y... you stupid woman. It's not just my parents..." I whisper, shame etched on my face and in my voice, "L... look, I didn't mean to say that, I'm sorry I'm just under a lot of stress right now."

She pats my back gently, which makes me feel a bit better.

“It’s okay, sugarcube. Ya’ll were angry an’ yer worried ’bout getting home ta yer family an’ how they’re doin’. It’s natural.”

Is it really or are you just saying that to make me feel better.

I hugged her a little tighter. Held in her bigger legs I felt comfortable. I don’t feel so scared anymore. That or I was begining to get stockholm syndrome early into this place. Probably the latter. She then pulled away enough to look me in the eye, a warm smile on her face.

“Til Twi can get ya home, ya’ll can stay here, alright?”

I then looked at her in confusion.

"But what if she sends me home today?"

She then shook her head at me.

“Tain’t that easy. World crossin’s big magic and even Twi can’t do it like that. She’ll need time to find yer world an’ send ya back.”

"Figures...." I groaned

“Like Ah said, yer more than welcome ta stay here til then, ’kay?”

"Sounds reasonable."

"But first thing tomorrow we're turnin' in those clothes! It's the-"

I then pulled out the machete.

"Finish that sentence. I dare you."

"N-nevermind." Applejack squeaked

"Yeah, that's what I thought." I said as I put away the machete

My stomach then growled.

"Ugh... I knew I couldn't cheese my hunger by eating fried Griffon." I groaned

We then headed downstairs to eat, but I quickly found myself surrounded by the CMC trio. I'm doomed.

“Who are you?”

“How come ya look like me?”

“Are you a robot?”

“Hey, are you one of those Changelings?”

“Where’d you come from?”

“How’d you get to Ponyville?”

“What’s yer name?”

"SHUT UP!" I yelled at them, "One at a fucking time! You're giving me a headache with so many questions at once! To answer the name question though, I'm Postal Bloom. Though you should already know that because of the fact you three were with the Mane 6 at the castle."

"Postal... Bloom?" Scootaloo asked, "What kind of a name is that?"

"It's my name so don't question it." I replied stretching out my back legs but not noticing I revealed my flank

"Hey!" Apple Bloom cried in an excited tone that chilled me to the bone, "Ah just noticed, Postal Bloom doesn't have her Cutie Mark!"

Oops... Next time I'm stretching before going anywhere.

"Hey, yeah!" Sweetie Belle cheered, leaning to look behind Scootaloo and seeing my flank,"Do you wanna be in our sleepover later? Maybe we can figure out your Cutie Mark."

"And running for my life!" I went before running back up the stairs, "WOOP, WOOP, WHOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP, WOOP!"

And then I ended up slipping on a banana peel on the top.

"Oh no... AHHHH! OOO- APA- AYYYA- OOOO- AHMMF- AAUGH- AHHH- OHHH- OOO- APA- AYYYA- OOOO- AHH- OPPA- OOO- EEE!"

"Coool." Scootaloo went

"Karma's a bitch..." I goaned

"Can she come to our sleepover Applejack? Pretty please..." Sweetie Belle said giving her the eyes

"Applejack I can promise you Winona will NOT be killed tomorrow if you tell her no!" I warned

"Sorry, but no." Applejack quickly said

"Aww...." Sweetie Belle went

"Maybe next time." I sarcastically said

Too bad there never WILL be a next time.

And so having filled up my stomach on some pie I headed back upstairs into the spare guest room where I locked the door and headed off to sleep. There I had dreams of some.... freaky shit to say the least.

"You probably thought you weren't going to die today, surprise!"

*BANG*

"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I'M A MINORITY!"

"Excellent! I'm an equal opportunity killer after all sir!"

*SLICE*

"Today's the first day of the end of your lives."

....

"Oh fuck me it's the red and black pedophile pegasus. I'm about to do everyone a- *shovel smack* Stupid scripted sequences."

*smack*

"Holy shit! I'm in a straightjacket gimp suit!"

"Honeeey I'm home~ And I brought you a present for your love canal~"

"I don't think so."

....

"Fuck me that was riveting. One less red and black OC to worry about. Now, how the balls do I get out of here?"

....

"Would you please sign my petition?"

"I'm sorry."

"You gotta be fucking kidding. Look, just sign this stupid petition, I've got stuff to do."

"No way you freaking pinko!"

"Are you gonna sign this or will it be your surviving family members?"

".... Okay. I guess that sounds pretty good."

"Thanks."

....

"I regret nothing."

I awoke with a gasp and looked at my surroundings. I was back to sanity. Well, as sane as it could be that is.

"I can tell this is gonna be an interesting day." I groaned