A Mad Man in A Filly's Body

Continuing on, I eventually went to the kitchen and discovered a note attached to a petition.

A petition to make the Cutie Mark Day Camp recognized as an official camp... That's something I wasn't expecting.

"We need eight more signatures before we can turn it in, the problem is today's the deadline and we have to turn it into the town hall by nightfall or else we'll have to start all over from scratch. signed Apple Bloom." I said reading the note out loud

Ugh... I can't get a fucking break, can I? *huff* Better get it signed. Heh. Good thing I'm a "people person".

"Hi there. Would you like to sign my petition?" I said going up to a pony

"I'm sorry." he replied

"Shit. Look just sign the stupid petition I've got stuff to do." I stated

"Okay. I guess that sounds pretty good." He replied before signing

"Thanks." I went before moving on

Huh. Maybe this will be easier than I thought.

I then heard a noise coming from an ally and saw a guard beating up on a pegasus mare who was desprately crying for help before getting knocked completely out.

"Hi there." I went getting the guard's attention, "Would you like to sign my petition?"

"No way you freaking pinko!"

"Shit. Sign my petition damn it."

"I said no way you- URK!!!" The guard choked as I pulled him down to my cold dead eye level

"Are you gonna sign this or will it be your surviving family members?"

"I NEED-"

Before he could finish I sliced his head off with the machete.

"Can't have your buddies ruining the fun can we?" I joked before kicking his body and head into a nearby trash bin, but not before collecting the baton and spear as a keepsake

While I was back here I checked to see what was around and found Laboratory Syringes filled with a red liquid. Around that time the mare from earlier had finally awoken to see me.

"W-what happened?!" she asked

"I just saved ya from a crooked cop." I replied

"Th-thank you little filly." She complimented

"Would you like to sign my petition?"

"Okay. I guess I can do that." she said before signing

"Thanks!" I replied

But the second she turned around to leave I pulled out the syringes and tossed one into her. She looked back at me in confusion before stuttering slurs of sadness as she puked up some blood.

"You probably thought you weren't going to die today. Surpriiiise!" I said

And just like that once she was done, she fell over dead and I headed out to find the next person to kill- I mean sign the petition.

WHAT IN THE HAY DID YA DO THAT FER?! YOU SAVE 'ER AND THEN YA UP AND KILL 'ER?! WHAT IN THE HOOF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!?

I quickly shook my head in shock before looking around.

"Apple Bloom? What the heck was that?!" I said to myself

Great... Now I've got the same case Postal Dude was having in Postal 2: Paradise Lost. Another voice in my head. The only difference is that this other voice in my head's gonna try to make me more into a child instead of a deranged killer.

I then headed into a hotel and made my way to the bathroom for a quick piss and ended up finding a can of Stynx and a lighter inside.

I know what I'm doing with this!

Afterward, I put them away into my trenchcoat and headed back outside where I was confronted by a royal guard.

"Would you please sign my petition?"

"No way you freaking pinko!"

"You gotta be fucking kidding. Sign my petition damn it!"

"I said no- ACK!"

"Sign my petition or I'll follow you home and kill your dog."

"H-"

I instantly shut him up by hitting him with the syringe, or AIDS as I like to call it, and watched as he ran away only to puke blood in the middle of a crowd and fall over dead causing a mass panic.

This is too good of an opportunity to pass up!

I instantly snuck behind some bushes and pulled out the Stynx and lighter, waited until some runners were near, and in about three seconds, they were all burning alive. I gave a bit of a laugh as I ran away and hid behind a house as some guards tried to put them out.

The gene pool is stagnant, and I am the minister of chlorine.

Ya'll make me sick ta mah stomach.....

And just what the hell can you even do about it? You're just a stupid voice in my head. Once I talk to Twilight about this you're good as gone.

We'll see about THAT.

Whatever.

I then noticed a bat and picked it up for myself to inspect it further.

"Excuse me-"

"AHHH!!!" I screamed as I turned around so fast I batted the guard's head clean off, "Oops... At this rate, I'm gonna kill everyone in Ponyville."

YA THINK?!!??!

Why do you care? 70% of the town's filled with nameless background assets that are riper to kill than the red shirts from Star Trek.

Hearing the sound of footsteps I jumped inside the house through an open window an heard a mare's scream. I quickly exited the house and headed back out where everyone looked jumpier than a cat.

"Hi there. Would you like to sign my petition?" I asked one

"I-I'm sorry."

"Shit. Look, just sign the stupid petition I've got stuff to do."

"O-okay then." she replied, scared out of her mind as she wrote down her name

"Thanks." I replied before going over to someone else, "Would you please sign my petition?"

Well, THAT was pretty easy. Who knew those ponies were so cooperative once they were scared out of their mind?

Sarcastic thoughts aside, I eventually arrived at the Town Hall and after following a.... *ahem* ...."helpful" directory-

What fucking moron designed that damn directory?

-I eventually arrived at Mayor Mare's office. Ugh.... the fucking pun...

"Here you go Mayor Mare. Here's the last remaining signatures for the petition to have the Cutie Mark Day Camp recognized as an official camp." I said handing over the petition

Jesus that was a mouthful.

"Hmmm...." Mayor Mare went looking over the signatures, "Oh.... sorry but I'm afraid I can't accept this."

"....what...."

"There's a double signature on here. You're gonna have to- ACK!!!" Mayor Mare choked as I grabbed her by her collar and held up my machete to her, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?"

"I've spent all day trying to get those last eight signatures on that damn petition amongst all the fucking chaos going on out there."

Well... ya ain't exactly lying-

Shut up moron!

"Here's what's going to happen." I continued, "You're going to approve the damn thing, I'm gonna continue on with the rest of my day, and we are going to pretend this threat against your life, more specifical your head being on the top of the building's pike, will have never happened. CAPICHE?!?!?!"

Mayor Mare then gave a stamp of approval onto the petition and I let her go but not before one last message.

"You tell anyone about what happened and I'll kill you in your sleep!" I warned before leaving

Once I was away from the office I gave a sigh of relief.

"Finally. Now to-"

"POSTAL BLOOM!"

Oh great it's Applejack...

Applejack came into view scared out of her mind.

"ARE YA'LL ALRIGHT?!" she asked before stopping to take a breath

"Of course I'm alright. What do you think I can't defend myself?" I groaned in annoyance

"Ah've already taken the Crusaders home, now ya'll need to come back to Sweet Apple Acres. It's not safe out in town."

"No. I need to see Twilight. Or... a doctor either one. I need to talk to either of them about this voice in my head."

"Wha?"

"If you're worried about me, don't. I can take care of myself without a problem." I said before walking away

Applejack didn't even try to stop me as I left the building and looked at the guards that were questioning everyone. I was about ready to unleash flames of death upon everyone when I clicked the lighter.... but I accidentally set my tail on fire. At first I put away the lighter and can when I smelled it. But then I saw a sight that instantly made me regret having a penis. My tail was on fire.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I cried as I ran towards the guards

Since I couldn't piss on myself to relieve me of my problem, I had to rely on them putting me out. Joy....

"PUT HER OUT, PUT HER OUT!!" I heard the commander holler as I found myself rolling on the ground due to my whole body being engulfed in flames

I've said it before and I'll say it again! KARMA'S A BITCH!!!

All I could remember before passing out was water being splashed on me, and Applejack calling my name.