Geldings

I arrived back at Rumble's place and met him there. We played outside in the yard while we waited for his brother to finish making dinner. Rumble encouraged me to fly a little bit, which I did, but I kept it close to the ground. I couldn't escape horrid visions of the seam bursting open and my naked testicles falling out and swinging around on long, twisted cords as I flew screaming through the air.

"Supper's on!" called Thunderlane, holding open the front door. He was wearing an apron and a ridiculous-looking chef's hat. Leaning out the front door actually knocked it off of his head, the thing was so tall.

"Race you!" said Rumble, who zoomed in through the front door.

Thunderlane picked up his hat and turned back. "Hay, not in the house! And wipe your hooves off!"

I trotted in after him, not in the mood for racing. "He's a hoofful, huh?" I joked with Thunderlane.

"Yeah, but I love my bro something fierce," he said, ushering me inside.

We sat down to eat and I felt a pang between my legs. It wasn't from how I sat down, though. I was just feeling the pain again—it had been a while since my last pill.

"Darn. I might need to head back home and get a pill," I said. "This is starting to ache bad."

"Can't you eat first? Your soup will get cold!" said Rumble.

"I've got something that might help," said Thunderlane.

"I dunno. It's pretty bad," I said. I was starting to sweat a little.

"Hold on." Thunderlane cantered off into the hallway, then came back with a small white pill. "Here, take this."

I picked up the pill in my hoof. "This looks a lot like the pain stuff I'm taking."

"Well, that's because it is," said Thunderlane.

I blinked a few times. "What?"

"Uh, I'm a Bolt. I get injured sometimes. This is easier than you going home to get a pill. But you can't tell anypony I did this," he explained, then turned to Rumble. "You too, short stuff. Okay?"

"Tell anypony what? I don't know what you're talking about," said Rumble, then he winked at me and mimed zipping his lips shut.

I felt a little guilty. This wasn't legal, taking narcotics from somepony else's prescription, even if it was the same stuff. But it made sense, and I was in a lot of pain.

Besides, it's not like I wasn't a criminal already, right?

I took the pill and chased it with a swig of water. "Okay. Thank you. I don't like the idea of doing it, though. I don't want you to get in trouble." That was the truth. I doubted I'd get in any trouble for it. I was just a foal in pain.

"I'm doing it for a good reason, and you're not being hurt by it. As long as you don't tell anypony, nopony gets in trouble. So there's no problem, see?" He smiled at me weirdly, and after a moment of confusion, the message hit me. I'm sure he saw the light come on in my eyes.

"Yeah, I guess," I said. My face must have looked glum.

"Cheer up, sourpuss," said Rumble, tapping me in my ribs with an outstretched hoof. "My bro and I keep secrets all the time. You can trust both of us."

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Thunderlane's smile disappear in a flash.

After dinner, Rumble and I played some games together while his brother went out of the house on an errand. At some point he returned and knocked on the bedroom door.

Rumble opened it up, and Thunderlane was standing there with a saddle pack.

"Hay, guys. Feather, I talked your mom into letting you stay the night over here instead of at your place. I brought your toothbrush and pillow and stuff," he said. "Also, I told her about the pill and she was cool with it. I've got the rest of your pills with me in case you need them."

"Oh, thanks," I said. It wasn't clear to me why this was a better plan than Rumble spending the night at my place, but sleeping at Rumble's would be just as much fun. Even more fun, since Thunderlane was here now.

"Awesome," said Rumble, grinning. "I'm surprised it still hurts you. It stopped hurting for me the second day. I guess you had a difficult geld, though."

"Yeah, it's still... sore," I said. "Really sore."

"I told your mom about it and suggested she take you to see Doctor Pastures tomorrow, Feather. You might need to take pain medication a little longer than colts usually have to," he said.

I felt a huge wave of relief pass over me. I hadn't realized how much anxiety the looming specter of inescapable pain was causing me. At least, that's what I thought it was, but in the back of my mind, I wondered...

Is it really the pain I'm afraid of?

I felt a tiny twinge of pain back there, as though the very act of thinking about pain somehow managed to summon it. It wasn't much, but my immediate reaction was to imagine taking a pill. "I might need another one soon," I said.

"Let's wait just a little, okay? If you can't get to sleep, then you can have one."

I looked over at the clock. "Oh geez. It's that late already?" I said.

"Time flies when you're having fun, right dude?" said Rumble. "Um, where should you sleep, though? I'd put a sleeping bag in here, but my room's kind of a mess. I mean a bag for me, of course. You're my guest, so you should get my bed."

"Actually, I was thinking he could take my bed," said Thunderlane. "It's big enough for two."

Rumble pretended to gasp. "What, you want to sleep with some strange colt instead of your bro? Fine, I see how it is."

Thunderlane laughed. "You can sleep with me anytime I'm home, little dude. I'll leave it up to Featherweight, though. How do you want stuff set up? You two want to sleep in my bed, and I'll take the couch? I can't fit in Rumble's bed."

"Eh, I kick in my sleep sometimes," said Rumble. "You should go with Thunder."

I shrugged. "Whatever works," I said. "Are we going to bed now?"

"I hope not! I wanted to stay up longer!" Rumble's eyes were bright. He never seemed to run out of energy.

"Why don't the three of us play a game of Dragon Pit, then we can hit the hay?" said Thunderlane. "I'll go get it."

Rumble bounced in place. "Hah! I always win this game," he bragged.

He didn't win this time. I beat them both soundly. It was so much fun, I actually forgot about my predicament for a while. I hadn't been that happy in weeks. Even though Rumble hates losing, he looked pleased that I was so happy. It was great to have such a positive experience after all the horrible crap I'd been through.

After the game, Rumble brushed his teeth, hopped in his bed, and immediately conked out. Apparently even his hyperactive butt had its limits.

I brushed my teeth as well and went into Thunderlane's room. It had a bunch of boxes in it, so I guessed his parents use it for storage when he's away. There was an uncluttered desk with some awards on it, and a queen-size bed.

I wonder if he's ever had sex in that bed, I thought. The idea gave me the willies.

"You okay with us sleeping together?" he asked me.

"Huh? Oh, um, yeah. I've done this before, like, uh, at camp," I lied. I could tell from the look on his face that he wasn't buying it. "Okay, maybe not at camp. Look, I've... slept with my mom before."

"Well, sure. We all have, right?" he said, then went over and shut the door to his bedroom. His voice dropped in volume. "Feather, I'm sorry about the geld. Skee told me they did it even though you begged them to stop. I can't imagine that."

I didn't look him in the eye, but I nodded my head. "Good."

"I... good?"

"It's good that you can't imagine it," I said, shrugging. I still avoided eye contact. "You don't want to. And I don't want to think about it, so let's just go to bed."

The next thing I knew, Thunderlane was hugging me tight. "It wasn't right. We never should have got you mixed up in this," he said.

I pulled away and wiped some tears from my cheeks, though I hadn't noticed when I shed them. "I know," I said. "I don't blame you. It's mostly my fault, but that doctor..."

"He's one of the kindest stall... I mean, geldings I know. I can't believe he did this. It must have been a mistake."

I crouched down and placed my hooves over my ears.

"I'm sorry," said Thunderlane, pulling my hooves away. "We won't talk about it, okay?"

I sighed. "You can't geld me, can you?" I asked him, wiping my eyes again. I finally looked up into his face, and saw compassion and concern looking back at me.

"If that's truly what you want, and I had the ability, I would. I'll fight for the doctor to do it to you, should it come to that. But you've only been a ridgling for what, a single day, now?"

My ears perked up. "Did you say 'ridgling'?"

"Oh, right. That's what you call a stallion who looks like a gelding. It's a word from the old days," he explained. "They used to do the castration a bit more barbarically, and sometimes they'd mess up and miss a testicle or even both of them. So they called the failed geldings ridglings instead. It became a slur, but that was centuries ago."

I shuddered. "It's all just so horrid. I want these poisonous... things out of me, but I wish they didn't have to geld us. I wish we could just be the way we are, and not be monsters."

"I couldn't agree more," said Thunderlane, sitting down on the floor. "Someday gelding will be a thing of the past, Featherweight."

"I dunno. I doubt it will ever change, and I don't even know if it should. It's true, right? About the murder, and the rape, and stuff?"

Thunderlane sighed and nodded. "Yeah. I think the stats may be a little exaggerated, but it's true. I'm not a monster, though," he said, then paused. "Do you think I'm a bad pony?"

I frowned. "You've had them in you for a long time, right? It's gotta be permanent by now. The mental changes, I mean," I said.

"Mental changes?" said Thunderlane, and his voice went even quieter. "Sex, you mean? I guess it's changed me, yeah. I'd still enjoy sex even if I never got horny again. I like the idea of doing weird things to mares whether or not I'm aroused. If I were a gelding, I might feel that way too, but probably not as much."

I closed my eyes and waited a few seconds in silence. "Do you... ever want to rape?"

Opening my eyes, I saw Thunderlane's face. He looked horrified. "What? No! Never. I mean, I get horny, sure! But hurting somepony doesn't make me feel good. Guy, most stallions aren't monsters. Very few of us are."

It struck me as odd when he said "are" instead of "were", but I brushed it aside.

"Those few do a lot of damage," I pointed out.

"Yes. But forced castration isn't much better. You're basically raping and mutilating half the population," he said.

I shook my head, not out of disagreement but out of tiredness (even though I did disagree). "I think I'm too tired to talk about this. It's too soon, and it's late... Can we hit the hay now?"

Thunderlane smiled. "Sure, but... um, I was wondering, would you like to see?"

"See what?"

He blushed. I knew what he meant, but I didn't want to believe it, so I said nothing.

"What a stallion looks like. You know," he said.

"Oh. Um, I..." I said, but the words stopped coming. So he turned to the side, and he dropped.

It wasn't huge or anything, but at the time it seemed enormous. I'd never seen a full drop so quickly, and then it firmed up and lifted into the air.

"Holy horsefeathers," I whispered. "That was fast."

"Yeah," he said, still blushing. It reached full mast, and just hovered there in the air, almost like a pegasus beating his wings extra fast and tight to keep himself from dipping up and down in place. There was a big vein on the side that passed over the medial ring, and it looked smooth and pleathery and...

"It's beautiful," I said. "Oh, ew. I'm sorry, I didn't mean, um..."

"Nah, you're right. It's not just attractive because I'm a stallion, though. Hard penises are beautiful even when it happens to a gelding, which does happen every now and then," he said. "But it gets large and hard really quick, and it's a little bigger than if I were a gelding."

I felt a pulse of pleasure at the base of my sheath, followed by a swift pang of shame. Nothing dropped, fortunately. I assumed I was safe due to the pain medicine, but the pain was creeping back so I could tell it was wearing off. I wanted a pill really badly. More to prevent any sexual pleasure than to stop the pain... and beyond that, I wanted to numb my emotional state and feel that sweet, warm, hug-like euphoria. I was starting to realize just how addictive this drug was, but I didn't care. I needed it.

At the moment, however, I was pretty distracted.

"Do you want to... touch it?" asked Thunderlane, motioning toward himself with a hoof. His wings extended halfway up.

I looked up at his face, then down at his penis. My mouth must have been hanging open, just gawking at him as I tried to process what he was doing.

It took me a moment. "I'm twelve," I said.

He looked mortified. "Oh! I, um, I didn't mean... I just meant to see what it feels like," he said, and stroked it with a hoof. "When it happens to you, you'll love it. You really will."

"I don't want to love it," I said.

Thunderlane bit at his lip. "I wish I could share this with Rumble, but he'll never know what it's like," he said. "It isn't fair... But, you're his best friend, and you get to experience the gift. Please don't be so eager to throw it away."

I felt a sourness in my throat and belly. Was he right? Was I throwing away something that might be wonderful? Or was he just diseased, his mind poisoned into doing weird stuff because he let his nuts warp his brain until this happened to him? I was all but certain it was the latter, but... could I throw away what Rumble would never have a chance at?

Would Rumble want me to throw this away?

"I'm sorry. I'd trade places with Rumble in a heartbeat, but I can't," I said, for a moment feeling more sorry for Thunderlane than for myself. I climbed into the bed. "I really need a pill if you can, it's starting to ache bad."

Thunderlane sighed and nodded his head. "Sure thing." He pulled out the pack and tossed my pillow on the bed (not sure why he brought that, it's not like I need my own pillow, but I guess some colts might be picky or something), then fetched a pill from the bottle and hoofed it to me. I swallowed it without water. From experience I knew it would start to hit me in about twelve minutes or so.

Thunderlane turned off the light on the nightstand and climbed into bed with me.

"Do you like to, um... be close when you're sleeping?"

"Cuddle?" I asked. "Y-yeah, kinda. I guess that's okay. When the pill kicks in..."

"Yeah, that stuff makes you awfully cuddly. I don't take it unless I absolutely need it because it kills your sex drive," he said.

Kills your sex drive. I started hoping I'd get some kind of a chronic pain condition. Maybe my subconscious would invent one just to get me the pills.

Thunderlane cuddled up to me, and I felt it against my flank. Before I could react, he whispered to me.

"Yikes, sorry. This was a bad idea," he said, then turned over onto his back. "I'll, um, wait until it goes down first."

"Are you going to, like..." I didn't want to say the word.

"Ejaculate? No, not with you here. I don't want to mess with your head after what you've been through," he said.

I breathed a sigh of relief. I rested on my side, turned away from him. Closing my eyes, I waited for the pain to stop. It wouldn't be long now.

Then I felt something bump the small of my back. I could tell it was a hoof, and it rubbed against me just a tiny bit. Was it an accident? I felt an odd thrill in my belly. At the time, I didn't understand. I was afraid to move, because it would tell him that I knew what was happening.

His hoof rubbed me again, a little more. I had no choice at this point, so I wiggled my back and grunted, and the hoof moved away.

Another minute passed. I was still in pain, but starting to zone out a little.

The hoof touched me again, in the same place, and it started to rub. It was just barely enough movement that it couldn't have been by accident.

This time, I waited longer. It felt good and I didn't understand why. It was sending little shivers down between my legs. I wasn't gay... was I gay? Was Thunderlane gay?

Oh no.... Was he molesting me?

I mean, he wasn't doing anything bad to me. It was just a light touch to my back. The only thing that made it perverted was the fact he was obviously pretending it was an accident, but I knew it wasn't... he must have known that I knew, too, and maybe... maybe that was the whole reason he was doing it...

He kept rubbing, and I didn't move away this time. I felt my penis come out of its sheath. I was aroused, just from having my back rubbed a little. I didn't understand why. I had never been consciously aroused before, and it was overwhelming. My heart was pounding like crazy.

"No," I finally said. It was a soft sound. My voice caught in my throat as I said it.

"I... w-what?" he whispered.

"Thunder..."

He coughed. "Oh. Oh gosh, Feather... I'm, I'm so sorry, it's just... you're just..."

I pulled my body up tightly against the very edge of the bed, to the point where if I went any further I'd fall off. I didn't want to fall off, though. I lacked the will to fight this. If he'd persisted, I would have let him do whatever he wanted to me. I don't know if I would have liked it, or hated it, or ended up going insane... but, he immediately stopped.

"I shouldn't be here," he said, then got out of bed. "I'm sorry. I'll sleep on the couch."

"Wait, it's okay," I said, stunned as the words came out of my mouth. "Just... you can sleep by me, just don't hurt me. I think, I need somepony to be here." It wasn't the sex I wanted, or even the pony contact. I felt alone and afraid. He was the only stallion I knew who understood what I was going through. I wanted him to hold me in his legs and tell me everything would be alright. Even if that meant me touching him there, or him touching me. It was worth the price. I wanted to pay that price, both for reasons I did and did not understand.

"You'll be okay. I'll see you in the morning," he said in a shaky voice, and then he walked out of his room and shut the door.

I cursed myself and flipped onto my back. Why did I have to push him away, I wondered? He wasn't hurting me! He...

He wanted to be with me. That was it. That's why it felt so good inside when he touched my back. Sex had something to do with being wanted. Nopony had ever wanted to be that close to me. In twelve years, this was the first time somepony wanted to share love, to give me love, and I went and pushed him away.

I didn't think I was gay. Maybe it wasn't a gay thing? Maybe it was something else. I closed my eyes and imagined him holding me in his legs, except he wasn't a guy anymore. He had the parts of a mare, even though he still looked a lot like Thunderlane, and he touched me, and I let him do it because I wanted to show him I loved him too...

I was rigid and tenting the covers. My wings spread against the bed. I whined and pressed my hoof against my considerably smaller penis, and suddenly I was free-falling through a hole in the middle of a cumulonimbus cloud, wind rushing past me; another touch, and shivers and pulses slid across my flesh and under my pelt and then everything in the world was a pink lightning bolt made of hot, electric sugar exploding between my legs and through my chest and into my muzzle. I cried out loudly and bucked against the covers and shuddered and I swear my brain just stopped for about five or six seconds.

After falling all the way through that imaginary cloud, the real world returned to sharp focus. That's when I hit the ground at terminal velocity.

Guilt slammed into me and knocked the wind out of me. It was like my wings had been cut off and nopony was there to catch me when I hit. I gasped from the emotional pain. This was much worse than the physical pain had ever been. It wasn't as bad as the rape, but it was different. I still had emotions inside me this time, and they were tormenting me.

The timing was perfect. I had orgasmed shortly before the pill could stop it, and it was mercifully beginning to kick in right as the maelstrom swallowed me. I don't remember feeling any pain in my gonads after I came—the distress in my heart was the only thing in my awareness.

I cried softly. I wiped myself with the covers which were already wet with my evil retort, and I slid over to the other side of the bed where it was clean.

I could never let this happen again, I thought. I couldn't be this weak. This wasn't who I was! It couldn't be, it just couldn't be. I didn't know why the pleasure was so awful, but it was the second-worst experience of my life. It felt like an adrenaline rush from stealing bits out of my mother's purse (which I've never done, just for the record). I didn't deserve the goodness because it came from such badness.

After a minute I stopped crying, and I huddled in a fetal position under the covers. The pain was going away. Two euphorias were spreading: one I was willing to accept (the pill) and one I was not (the afterglow).

The worst part of all of it? I wished with all my heart that Thunderlane would be there to hold me. It wasn't about the sex, I just wanted somepony to love me. I needed a hug. I needed somepony to care about the acid I felt in my eyes. I thought about going to Thunderlane, or even to Rumble, but I couldn't leave the bed. I couldn't move.

At some point, the cacophonous mixture of sensations led to slumber. I don't know how I was able to sleep, but it took at least an hour before I could finally rest.

It was a very deep sleep.