Geldings

I was standing in the middle of class, surrounded by all my classmates. I couldn't remember how I got here, but I was distracted by something. Everypony was pointing at me and gasping.

Peppermint Twist spoke first. "Mith Cheerilee, look at Featherweight! He'dth thtill got hidth balldth!" Looking down, I saw she was right: it didn't look like I'd been gelded at all! Had my sac magically grown back?

I was afraid of the giggles I assumed would follow, but the gasps and murmurs that came instead were far worse. They weren't laughing at me. They were appalled.

And why shouldn't they be, I thought?

"Featherweight! I am very disappointed in you," said Cheerilee. She wore a disturbing expression on her face. I'd never seen an adult look at me like that before. It wasn't anger. I didn't know what it was, but it was awful. In retrospect, it must have been contempt.

"You don't understand!" I said, my voice thick with desperation. "I, I didn't have anything to do with this..."

"Liar!" shouted Scootaloo, pointing at me accusingly. Cheerilee might not have been angry, but Scootaloo definitely was. So were the rest of the students.

"I'm sorry!" I said, and I began to sob openly.

The word 'liar' kept being repeated around me. I cradled my balls in shame, and just when I was about to snap—

"ENOUGH!" resounded a voice so loud it made me wince. Everyone froze, and then their bodies melted before me.

I was too confused to be scared, and then I realized the obvious. "I'm dreaming," I said aloud.

The classroom disappeared. Now I was sitting in a moonlit glade, and Princess Luna sat beside me. Naturally, I continued to hide my balls from view.

"It is okay now, child. The nightmare has passed," she said, soothingly. It's funny how she can be so scary yet so kind, almost at the same time.

"I... no, it's not okay," I whimpered, rubbing my wet eyes with one fetlock as my other forehoof hid my terrible shame.

Luna sighed with what sounded like frustration. "I take it you are of a recent geld," she said. "This dream is a common pathological response."

"No, I'm guilty. You don't understand. I'm guilty," I whispered, horrified as the words fell out of my muzzle. I couldn't stop them from spilling forth. I needed to be clean, and this was the only way.

"You are not at fault," said Luna, pulling up my chin to look into her soft eyes. The pain behind them was laid bare. "You are a victim of gelding, Featherweight. Such a thing is never your fault, regardless as to your actions."

"Miss, Princess Luna... I'm not a gelding," I said. Oh, it felt good. I was pretty sure I was damning myself, but at the time that's exactly what I wanted.

"Ah. Well then, the stress you experience is still the result of knowing you will soon be gelded. Your trouble is the fault of a society that..." Luna paused and momentarily clenched her jaw before finishing, "does this to its males."

I sniffled. "Will you tell my secret?" I asked her, holding back another wave of tears.

"Never, my little pony. I do not share details of other ponies' dreams. A dream is a deeply personal thing, and it is the vow of a dreamwalker to protect your privacy," she said, holding a shining shoe to her chest.

It was clear Princess Luna had no idea what I meant. I took in a deep breath.

Should I tell her?

"I..." I started, but paused until it became awkward. "M-may I go now?" The words came out hard, like stones. Each syllable was saddled with guilt. You coward.

She nodded. "Featherweight, I wish you to know something. You may contact me about anything at all, and should you elect, it shall remain secreted between us," she explained. "It is not my place to judge you, nor the issues with which you grapple. Do you understand what I am saying to you?" Something about the tone of her question made me think she was trying to communicate something deeper, but if so, I was too stupid to follow.

I paused. "Yes, I do. Thank you, Princess." Ugh! You coward!

"Then I believe it is time for you to awaken," she whispered, and gently pet my mane as the world faded into painful brightness.

My last thought in the dream world was the disturbing realization that I would have felt like a coward even if I had told her everything.

I can't escape what I am.

I awoke to pain in my ridgling nuts and the smell of blueberry pancakes. For a brief moment, I felt relieved to be awake. Then I remembered the events of last night and my muscles seized up. Thunderlane was a fully-grown stallion. I was just a foal, and he touched me. Not there, but still.

The worst part was that I'd liked it. I almost needed it to happen. I barely resisted, and then, only on instinct. If I'd let it happen, maybe I'd have... I don't know, fallen in love, or something? Not that a feeling like that makes any sense to a foal.

I lifted the covers and found to my disgust that fresh semen had come out of my penis and dried up again. Had I orgasmed a second time as I slept? I didn't know, but lacking any other options, I wiped myself clean as possible with the covers then washed up in the adjoining bathroom after a morning pee. There wasn't a washcloth or anything, so I used toilet paper and dusted the remnants off before resheathing.

Despite a fear of facing Thunderlane so deep it twisted my gut in knots, I stood up and exited his bedroom. There was no point in delaying the inevitable. My balls were aching pretty badly, but the physical pain helped mask the other kind even better than the pills do. I wasn't about to give that shield up until I at least had a chance to gauge how Thunderlane was doing. It shouldn't have bothered me, but I was actually worried about how he was feeling.

As I approached the dining room, Thunderlane was serving up pancakes to Rumble. There was a plate for me too, set and waiting. "Hay, Feather!" he called.

I didn't like that he left off the "weight" in my name, because the figurative was also the literal and I didn't want to be that familiar with him after last night. But I saw the fear in his eyes, and it made my heart ache. He hadn't tried to hurt me or anything, I realized, and he was as much a victim of his nuts as I was. If I hadn't been raped the previous day, what happened might not have even bothered me that much.

Thunder coughed and slipped a stack of pancakes onto my plate. "I was just about to get you up," he said with a sickly smile. "It's a brand-new day, right? Here's to fresh starts!"

Sheesh, that was direct, I thought. I didn't mean to, but I'm sure I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, fresh starts," I mumbled. "Look, it's okay."

"What's okay?" said Rumble, though it came out pretty muffled by a mouthful of pancake.

I'm sure Thunderlane would have intervened, but I was getting used to lying. "Sorry, I'm just distracted. My balls hurt really bad," I said, which was technically not a lie. (Those are the easiest kind of lies.)

Rumble swallowed. "You mean your sac, dude. Or maybe phantom balls? That sounds kinda cool. Er, not the pain part, though."

"I trust you to take a pill, Feather," said Thunderlane, and then he paused. "It's good that you want to let me know when you take one, though. Let's go together."

I felt a chill run down my spine, but then I figured he wasn't about to molest me. He wants to clear the air, obviously.

We walked into his room and he shut the door. "Guy... I'm so sorry for last night. Seriously." The guilt was written all over his face.

I shrugged. "I'm sure you are. Or, maybe you just don't want to go to prison and get kicked out of the 'Bolts."

His face paled in shock. "P-please, Feather. I'm as worried about what would happen to Rumble as I am what would happen to me! Don't do this. I'm begging you."

I frowned. "I didn't mean to scare you. Of course I'm not going to tell. It's okay. I don't even really blame you," I said. "And you stopped when I asked you to. It's just... I was raped the other day, y'know?"

He pounded his hoof to his forehead. "Dammit! I should have kept that foremost in mind. I ignored it because I didn't want to think about it, and when you didn't want to talk about it, I just..." he said, then paused as he pulled the pill bottle from my bags. "No. There's no excuse for how I acted last night."

"Yes there is," I said, and I pointed at his missing sac and the gonads hidden beneath his scar.

"No, colt. Being a stallion... it's not like that," he insisted. Thunder pulled out a pill and tossed it to me. (I caught it in my mouth, which made me feel awesome. I guess that was childish.) "We need to talk about this later, though. Rumble's going to get suspicious."

"Sure," I said, having run out of things to say anyway. Then I opened the door and we both saw Rumble galloping back to the table.

"Shit," whispered Thunderlane.

We cantered back to the table. Rumble was staring down at the last bit of pancake on his plate, and said nothing.

"Hay Rumble," said Thunder, resting a hoof on his shoulder. "Listen. We're not hiding things from you, you understand? Feather's your friend more than mine, but he had a really hard geld. He has questions for me because I'm an adult."

"Thunderlane... you can say it," I said, and I saw a bead of sweat form on Thunder's forehead. His mouth opened, but he didn't say anything. "I'm embarrassed about what happened at my geld, okay?"

"Dang. I'm... I'm real sorry," Rumble said to me, his voice very soft, and he looked up to his brother. "Bro, I'm sorry. I swear I am. Are you mad at me?"

Thunderlane's brow lifted. "Well, I'm not happy with you, bud. You need to respect ponies' privacy, even if you think you aren't gonna get caught," he said. "I know Feather's your best friend, though, and you're probably just worried about him, so I forgive you. But you need that more from him than me."

"We're cool," I told Rumble, and shrugged. "Don't sweat it."

"It was dumb," said Rumble, frowning. I could tell he was beating himself up over it.

Thunder coughed loudly into a hoof. "Um, I do need to know what you heard, though. Okay?"

Rumble breathed a short sigh and nodded. "I didn't hear hardly nothing. You said something about being a stallion, so... I guess you were talking about, um..."

"My father," I interjected. I'm not sure how, but I was ready for this lie.

"I shouldn't have listened in. I'm sorry Feather," said Rumble, his ears pinned back in shame.

I smiled weakly. "Seriously! It's fine, Rumble. I've just had a rough couple of days, that's all."

"I need you to know you're not like your dad. You never will be," said Rumble, staring intently at me. "You're a good guy, just like us."

"Um, thanks," I said. Oddly enough, I didn't feel guilty. He was right, I realized. I won't ever be like my father, no matter how much of this poison pumps through my veins. I'd rather die than hurt a filly, or anypony else.

Then again, Thunderlane probably thought the same thing. Still, he didn't actually hurt me. He thought about it, but he stopped himself. I think he's a good stallion, I mused. Yeah. There is such a thing as a good stallion.

Rumble yawned. "Colt. I kinda stayed up a little after I was supposed to hit the hay," he admitted. "If you two still need to talk and stuff... I'd like to go back to sleep for a while, so I won't bother you. Is that okay?"

Thunderlane smiled. "Sure thing, champ."

Then Rumble stood up and walked over to me, and he hugged me. I hugged him back, pretty tight, and felt great relief. I was still waiting for the pill to kick in, but I needed pony contact. I'd needed it last night and I needed it even more now. He was such a good friend to me.

After Rumble went to his room, Thunderlane and I sat down at the table as I finished my food. "I'm sure he won't listen in again, but I kinda want to keep my voice down anyway," said Thunder.

I nodded and swallowed a big bite of pancake. "Yeah," I said, then I leaned my head back and shut my eyes. "Oh, thank Celestia."

"Hmm?"

"The pill. It's finally kicking in."

"Oh. The pain thing... it's really unfortunate. Pseudos hurt more than a real geld, but even so I'm sure mine wasn't as painful as yours," he said. "Do you think it was from what they did to you? Were you like, fighting them? Wait, no. I don't even want to imagine it."

"It's probably just 'cause I'm so freakishly thin. It's fine, though. I need to talk about it to get over it, I guess," I said. I didn't quite believe that, but I desperately hoped it would help. "I didn't fight, I just begged them to geld me for real, and I cried a lot. I kind of... lost my mind, like I was floating outside my body, and I stopped feeling anything. They finally did the drug thing, but it was already horrible by then."

Thunder winced, and his eyes shined with moisture. "I don't know if I can forgive the doctor," he whispered. "I don't know what he was thinking."

"I do. He was thinking about protecting himself, and you, and the rest of the herd," I said. "I don't even know if I can blame him, really. Doing this... thing to me, it makes sure I keep my mouth shut."

"I know you don't want to hear this, but none of this crap would be necessary if gelding weren't mandatory," said Thunderlane. "Still, it was wrong."

"Maybe," I said, and shrugged. Then I bit my tongue, because I remembered something. "I, um... I think I wet your bed. Not pee, though." My eyes were clenched tight.

"I know. I heard you last night," said Thunderlane, and I opened my eyes to see a gentle expression on his face. "It's okay. There's nothing wrong with masturbation. It's totally normal."

"Maybe, but doing it every single day isn't normal. Nothing about stallions is normal," I said. I wasn't trying to argue for the sake of arguing, though. I just wanted to understand how twisted his mind had become.

"Yes, it is normal. This is how our bodies work."

I shook my head. "No. Normal means something is common, like, the standard," I said. "Maybe a thousand years ago this was normal, but it isn't today."

"Well, a thousand years ago execution for murder was 'normal'," he countered. "Normal doesn't make something right or wrong. What I mean is, it's natural."

I shook my head. "That's the same deal. Natural doesn't mean something is good or bad. Like, I dunno... houses aren't natural, but they're good, right? And poison joke is natural," I argued.

Thunderlane sighed. "It's how we were meant to be," he said. "It's part of the natural evolution of our species."

"Nothing in nature is 'meant to be'. It just is what it is. When we lived in tribes, maybe rape made sense, even if it was horrible," I said. "Now it's wrong in two ways: it's just wrong, like it always was, and now, from, um... us evolving, like you said. I mean, into the future. Rape babies aren't a good thing for today's society."

Obvious worry showed on his face. "You aren't a bad thing, Feather. You know that, right? I mean, of course raping your mom was wrong, but you are good for society. It worked out because your mom is so strong, and she was ready to be a parent."

I ignored that, because I didn't want to think about it. "This is pointless. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad. It feels horrible," I said. "It was wonderful, I admit it, and then right afterwards it was horrible. I can't take how horrible it felt. I can't handle this."

"That'll go away soon, I swear," said Thunder. "It stops being horrible when you realize there's nothing wrong with how you feel. Those sensations in your body are natur—look, pleasure is not a bad thing, okay? Feeling joy isn't shameful or bad, and giving pleasure to others is a great thing. It's something you get to enjoy in solitude, or share with mares, or even geldings or stallions if you prefer. It's beautiful, Feather, it really is."

I thought about ordering him to call me Featherweight, but then I realized I'd grown comfortable with it. I want to be open with him, because he's one of very few ponies who knows what I'm going through. He isn't the bad guy here, I thought. I want to be close to him, I want to...

I stood up from the table. "Can we go back to your bedroom? I think... I'll be more comfortable there."

Wait, why? What am I doing? I didn't know what my brain was thinking, but my heart started racing.

"Um, that's fine by me," he said.

We walked into his bedroom, and I shut the door. Right, the bed. Maybe I just want to confront what I did.

"So... your bed's kind of a mess now. I think I may have done it a second time in my sleep, too. I woke up and there was more sticky stuff on my... you know. Only a tiny bit, though," I said.

"Oh. It was probably just drooling," he said.

I narrowed my eyes. "I didn't drool, Thunder. This came out of my thing, not my muzzle." I realized I'd just called him 'Thunder', so maybe I was getting overly familiar with him, too. For some reason, it felt nice. This thing I was struggling with was lonely. I couldn't tell my best friend in the world, but his brother reminded me of him...

"Yeah. Sometimes it doesn't empty all the way, so there's some left inside that oozes out after you do it," he explained. "It's fine. I'll do the laundry today. I've had cum stains in my sheets plenty of times."

At the time I didn't know what he meant by the weird grammar of, "I've had come", but the gist was clear.

"I'm not, um, what's it called... 'horny'," I said. "Thanks to the pill, and I guess whatever happened last night. But, uh, could you lie down with me?"

I couldn't believe I was asking him for this. It was like I didn't have control of my own mouth, and my heart was thumping like mad.

Thunderlane grimaced. "Feather, after what happened last night..."

"Please, just hold me. Like my mom does," I asked. "I just... I need to feel like somepony cares."

"I could give you a hug, I guess. Is that okay?"

"I need the bed," I said. I did need the bed. I wasn't sure why.

Thunder looked at the bed, then back to me. "I want you to feel comfortable with your body, and to be able to come to me when you need help," he said. "This... feels like a bad idea, but... okay, here's the deal. I'll hug you in bed, but only for a few minutes, and if anything happens we stop."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "Yeah, yeah. That's great," I said, then I climbed into the bed. "Oh, wait. The sheets are still gross."

"We don't need covers just to cuddle for a moment," he said.

"No. I need the covers too," I said. "I... I don't know why, but I need them."

Thunderlane pulled his lips thin. "I'm sure it's dry by now, so it shouldn't bother you. But... I'm worried about this Feather. You need something from me that I can't give you."

"Please. Please," I begged. I put it all that stress into my eyes where he could see it.

Without saying another word, Thunderlane climbed into bed with me and scooted up behind me. As I felt his legs encircle me, my heart did a flip. I needed this so badly. I didn't understand why, but it didn't matter. I had to fill the hole in my heart with something.

"Thank you," I whispered, holding his forelegs in mine. I reached up and turned out the light on the nightstand, and then it all clicked.

I want it to be like it was last night.

"I care about you, Feather, but this feels like a mistake. You don't have control over your emotions right now, partly because you're a foal, and partly because of what you've been through," he whispered back.

"But it helps me so much," I said. "It's what I need."

We cuddled for a minute or two, and I relaxed, but my pulse remained rapid. I felt the warm air from his nostrils tickle my ear and I leaned back into his warmth. I'd never felt comfort like this before. It was almost like the past few days hadn't happened. All that mattered was somepony loved me, even if he was practically a stranger.

Then it happened, as I must have known it would. Something warm pressed up against me. This time it was against my tailbase, because of how we were positioned and the fact that apparently I had lifted my tail.

When did I lift tail? More importantly, why?

"Okay, we really have to stop now," he whispered.

"It's okay. I like it," I said.

"Feather..."

"Just... just wait a little more, okay?" I pleaded. "I mean, I'm not horny, right? And you're not really attracted to guys anyway."

"I don't like foals, and I don't like guys, but... I guess I'm attracted to you," he whispered back, and I felt that gross part of him pulse as my tail curled tightly around it. "I don't know. I mean, you're... you're kind of pretty, and vulnerable, like a mare... Oh, crap, I don't mean it like that."

"No, it's good! I like being like that," I said. "I like being... attractive, to somepony. I would... I would be a mare for you."

"Feather, there are lots of fillies who would love to be with you, they're probably just too embarrassed to say anything, and you're still so young," he said. "But we have to stop, this is crazy. What I'm doing with you right now is criminal."

"So what? We're already criminals," I pointed out. "We can do whatever we want."

"I don't want to hurt you," he said, but I could feel the beat of his heart through the warm flesh pressed against my tail. I knew he wanted me, and that knowledge felt amazing, but I was worried he would leave me anyway.

"Please, just a little more..." I said, and then a truly evil thought crossed my mind and hit me square in the gut. "Oh, Celestia. I just thought of something horrible. I mean, I'd never do it, but..."

I waited for a prompt, but Thunderlane said nothing.

So I said, "I could force you to love me, couldn't I?"

"W-what?" he whispered.

"I mean, you'd go to prison if I said anything about this, or even if I just told somepony you're a stallion. So... I could make you do whatever I wanted, including love me," I said. "But I'm ashamed I even thought that. I wouldn't do it."

There was a long moment of silence, and I felt his pulse quicken. "I guess... you could do it. I wouldn't be upset... Or maybe we could just pretend you were doing it..." he whispered in a trembling voice, and I felt him throb hard. "Wait, what? No, no, this is totally wrong!" He stood up and got off of the bed, then turned on the light. He was fully aroused, judging from his bobbing penis, and his wings were erect and twitching.

I felt wetness on my cheeks and realized I was crying. "I know you want me," I said. "Why won't you be with me?"

"This, this is exactly why," he said, and his penis softened. "You're confused, Feather. You're hurt. You want to be cared about by somepony, but this isn't the way to do it. Sex is not the same as love. It's something you get to share with a special somepony, but if you're young, or brash, you can hurt your feelings really bad with it."

I sat up in bed and wiped my eyes. "I want to have sex, but I'm not horny? I don't even know what sex is! I mean, it's nuts, I know I'm not horny, and I still want something I don't even understand," I said. I felt a deep hollowness settle in my chest. "My brain's been poisoned already. It's been, what, a week? Cheerilee says it takes months for test—test-whatever to poison your brain, but... it's already too late for me!"

"Your brain isn't 'poisoned'," said Thunderlane. "Look, there's even a few geldings who enjoy sex when they're not horny. This isn't as weird as you think it is."

"No, something's changed. What they say about tee, it's true—I can feel how it's messed me up inside. And all it took was a few days," I whispered, closing my eyes. "I thought I had more time, and I didn't take the warnings seriously. Now I can't even recognize myself."

I felt the bed move as Thunderlane sat down beside me. "You haven't changed, Feather. Most of what you're feeling is because of what Doctor Pastures did to you. This isn't about your balls. I mean, obviously it is, but it's not because of them," he said as he began to pet my mane. I found it instantly soothing. I think I just needed him to touch me; the reason didn't matter. "You're forced to keep this huge secret from everypony you care about, you know society hates you, you're in a lot of physical pain, you're on drugs you're probably already addicted to, and you've just been raped. None of this is psychologically healthy. Of course you're going to be confused. It would be concerning if you weren't bothered by all this."

I reopened my eyes and sniffled. "What can I do to make this stop hurting? Just tell me what to do."

Thunderlane took a deep breath. "You have to start trusting me and the others—I mean, trust that we're going to protect you from now on. I know what the doctor did was wrong, but that isn't going to happen ever again," he promised me. "You have to convince yourself it's okay to feel pleasure, which takes time, but that will make the bad feelings go away. And you have to get off of these pills as soon as possible. The first time you take one when you're not in pain, you're an addict, and you may end up chronically in pain because of it. It's really easy for that to happen."

"I just want to feel better than this, and you holding me is the best thing I've ever felt in my life," I admitted. "I'll touch it if you want me to, I don't care. You're already a sex criminal, and so am I. What does it matter?"

"It's still wrong," he said. "Besides, what if Rumble walked in on us? How would you feel then?"

I knew he was appealing to my sense of shame, but somewhere along the way I'd managed to block it out completely.

"I... I don't know. Maybe he could join us," I said, flatly.

Thunder looked horrified. "Oh Feather, no. That's sick. Don't even joke about that."

"You said you wanted to share this with him."

"Not like that! I mean, share knowledge, talk about feelings, not actually... you know, with him!" he said.

I whipped my tail against the bed. "I don't even know anymore. I mean, why is anything wrong? It's just doing what feels good, isn't it? 'You'll get over it and learn to enjoy it.' That's the message I keep hearing from everypony," I said. "So why does something like that even matter? Maybe you'd both like it."

Thunder crouched down and took my hooves in his, and he looked me directly in the eyes. "No. That is NOT the message, Featherweight," he whispered. "It can be okay if foals do it together and you're comfortable with it and there's mutual consent, but an adult and a foal is not healthy. And family members, that's just gross. Basic biology makes that feel naturally awful, for good reason."

"But you wanted me," I said, closing my eyes. "I... I didn't want to tell you, but... I thought about you last night, okay? I mean, when I did it. I thought about you, and it was horrible, but it felt really good first. If that horrible part actually does go away, I'm probably going to do it again, because I'm that sick inside. That's what you want to happen to me, isn't it? For the bad feelings to leave and the good ones to stay?"

"Fantasies by themselves are fine, they're not sick. Of course I know you were thinking about me, it was right after I left, and you asked me to stay, and I heard... your noises," he said, and then his voice lowered to the tiniest whisper. "Feather, I thought about you too, okay? After I left, I did it too. I'm not proud of that, but it didn't hurt anypony. What you do by yourself... it's just stuff in your head. I don't like thinking about you because I don't want to ever be tempted to hurt you, but I can't hate myself for deriving pleasure from it. If I did, I'd have to hate myself for a lot of other things, too."

I looked back into Thunderlane's eyes. "Like thinking about Rumble?"

"No, because I don't do that. That makes me feel nauseous and I don't even want to talk about the possibility," he said. "I mean, you don't have a brother, but... your mom. Imagine your mom. That feels sick, doesn't it?"

"Eww. Yeah," I whispered, and I stepped out of the bed. "I'm sorry, Thunderlane. I just feel so empty and alone right now, and I thought if I got close to you it might help me feel less awful inside. I mean, I guess that's what I thought. I don't really know what's going through my head, or why I'm doing any of this." I wiped my eyes again, even though the tears had already stopped.

Thunder sighed and stood up straight. "Okay. Let's get out of my room, and stay out. The bed is clearly a stimulus control for you, and I don't want any temptation for either of us. You can wash yourself up and then we can hang out quietly and wait for Rumble to wake up," he said. "I'm still your friend, and I'll be there for you, and I'll hug you if you need it, but we're not doing anything related to sex except me answering simple questions. Sound good?"

I nodded slowly. "Yeah. I need to talk to Rumble about this, though. I can't hide it from him forever."

When I said that, I saw the pain in Thunderlane's eyes. Immediately, I knew bad news was coming.

"You have to," he said. "You can't tell him. Ever."

"He's good at keeping secrets," I said. "I mean, he just said that. And he kept the pill a secret for you. He would never tell anypony!"

Thunderlane shook his head, and his eyes grew misty. "I'm sorry. The Council doesn't think he can handle the knowledge. You can't ever tell him, Feather. You need to promise me you'll never tell him."

I didn't say anything at first, but the silence became unbearable and I gave in. "Okay. I promise. I just... I don't know what I'm gonna do."

"You'll have others like Skeedaddle, and Snips, and me. You can talk to us. And maybe someday we will be able to tell him, but I don't know if it'll happen and it's certainly not now," he said. "Being a stallion is a gift and a burden. I know you didn't ask for this, but lean on Rumble as a friend. He may never know, but he still loves you."

I thought I would start crying again, but the pill's effects were growing stronger, thankfully. I washed up and left Thunderlane in his room. He told me he'd be out in a minute.

I left his door open a crack, though, and peeked through it from a distance. I saw him reach into my bag and take one of my pills. Maybe it was to make up for the one I took, or maybe he would replace it later, but either way, he swallowed it on the spot.

I guess he was right about addiction.