The Nine

I put the scroll down, and admired my mouthwriting. For my first time, it was awfully neat.  Then, the door opened and they all entered. The scroll snapped shut, only enunciating the pervading silence.

   “I knew you were good at magic, but this is phenomenal” said Rarity, the only pony besides Twilight without her jaw on the floor.

   “I’ve got to throw you a welcome to Ponyville party!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie. She was just about to leave when she gasped. “It shouldn’t be a ‘welcome to Ponyville’ party, It should be a ‘welcome to Equestria’ party!” And, with that, she took off, doubtlessly to go get the party set up.

   This left me to get acquainted with the other five. We had a nice chat, I retold my tale, and just as I finished, Pinkie Pie showed up to announce the party.

   When I got to Sugarcube Corner, I realized the show did not exaggerate. If anything, it understated her parties. It was extremely festive and even more colorful. We all had a blast, and it went on until late in the night. When it all ended, we said our goodbyes, and I returned to the library with Twilight, since I still had no place in Ponyville to go, and I sure as hell didn’t want to go back to Earth.

   When I awoke the next morning, I discovered something the show omitted. If they weren’t on a grand adventure, life was pretty run-of-the-mill for the six. Without much to do, and being a bookworm at heart, I dived right into Twilight’s massive collection. Around lunch time, my stomach forced me to stop. Twilight said she was going out for lunch, and that I was welcome to join her. When we got to the restaurant where we were to dine, Twilight looked at me and gasped.

    “What is it?” I asked, worried that the transformation spell had worn off.

   “When I transformed you, you were an earth pony, but now...” she trailed off, too disturbed to continue. Since she mentioned I was no longer an earth pony, I checked myself for either wings or a horn, and lo and behold, sitting upon my head was a conical projection of bone, and when I touched it, I could feel a shiver of energy course through my body.

   “I thought something was different” I mused. “Would you be so kind as to give me lessons?” I asked the lavender unicorn across me.

   “I would love to give you lessons, just to see if you can actually learn magic.” As she said that, the waiter brought us our food. when we finished our food, we went back to the library, Twilight simply emanating joy in anticipation of having an apprentice.

   Of course, magic is not easy, but I struggled through it, since it was something I enjoyed learning. Of course, once I learned to levitate objects, the rest got really simple, but was made harder since Twilight had learned everything from books and had a hard time telling me how to do certain things. But, with perseverance, I learned plenty by the time dinner rolled around.

   Twilight decided that her friends should know what happened, even if we don’t know why, and took off to gather them, leaving Spike with eight meals to prep. I was never very good at cooking, but he had a lot to do, so I tried to help him out.

   When the six entered the library, they all looked just as shocked as when they first met me, maybe even more so. The silence was broken when Spike piped up with: “If you guys are just going to stand there, I’m going to start without you.” That snapped everyone out of their reverie long enough to realize their hunger and to see the food Spike had so graciously made.

    “How did this happen?” asked an astonished Rainbow Dash.

   Before I could say a word, Twilight told them everything. Peeved at getting my story stolen, I munched on the food before me. It helped soothe my anger.

    “So, y’all have no idea how this happened?” asked Applejack, after Twilight finished her story.

   I slid in a quick “Nope” just to see if I could say it before Twilight. We wound up saying it at the same time, displaying the beginning of a strange unison between us. Twilight and I laughed at that occasion, though it eventually became something more.

    “I simply buried my head in a few of Twilight’s books, and poof.”

    “So, you became an egghead?” asked Rainbow Dash.

   “No, I didn’t become an egghead, I simply amplified my current state.” Apparently, this configuration of literary terminology has the power to baffle everyone except for ‘eggheads’. Twilight and I shared in a laugh, since we were the only two to know what I really said.

    “I’m sorry, but come again?” asked a still dazed Applejack.

    “In layman’s terms, I’ve always been an egghead, and her books just made me more of one.”

    “Why didn’t you say that in the first place, darling?”

    “I speak the way I do, and seldom do I ever really think about using fewer ‘egghead’ words.”

    “But Twilight’s an egghead, and she doesn’t speak all smart” cried an outraged Rainbow Dash.

   “That is simply because she chooses not to. I choose to because I once wished to distance myself from the common rabble that infested my community. I eventually got over that, but the language stuck.”

   “Twilight, make him speak normally, please.” And, with that one sentence, Rainbow started a revolt against my way of speaking.

   “Calm down, calm down,” I attempted to yell over the fussy ponies. “I will do my best to limit the smartness of my language. Is this better?”

    “Much better, sugarcube.”

We ate the rest of our meal in relative silence, only breaking it to compliment Spike on his cooking. Afterwards, we all retired to our respective beds. Once I heard Twilight say goodnight to Spike, though, I got up and went for a walk.

   I had no idea where I was going, but I needed to go somewhere. I could not really think if I was being still, and I had a lot of thinking to do. I thought about the past, how much I missed eating meat, how much I missed Earth. I thought about the future, whether I should stay here or return. While I was still pondering these things, I heard my hoof steps echoing. I looked down, and realized I was at Fluttershy’s cottage. Under this very bridge was the tunnel back to my world. It gave me another thought. Should I go back to Earth, and see if I can’t bring my friend with me? I decided against it, since I didn’t want Twilight to have to exert herself so much again. Also, he had a girlfriend, and would probably want to bring her along, too. That would be two situations where Twilight would over exert herself, and I didn’t even wish one upon her. Maybe I should go back to Nyth, find out about Gnuk’s true feelings for me. It seemed like a good plan, though I didn’t want Twilight to worry about me. So, I trotted back to the library, wrote a swift note, and prepared to leave again when I remembered that I woke up before her, and as such could slip out with a full night’s rest. So, I lay down and went to sleep.

   In the morning, I left the note where she could see it, and departed for Earth, and then Nyth. After a long while, I found myself back in the Badlands. I turned, bracing myself for the backhand I almost missed, but instead there was no one. I called for Gnuk, but got no answer. I sighed, and turned to return when the backhand I was no longer expecting knocked me out.

   I found myself trussed up, back in the presence of Fu. But, instead of threatening to feed me to the ‘hounds’, she simply smiled at me. “Welcome back, Kiqo. I see that you have changed. Is it for the better?”

   “It is for the better, but I must ask Gnuk something” I said as I untied myself. At the mention of his name, Gnuk looked up from the drink he was nursing.

   “Well, it will be rather hard for you to do so without either a translator or learning our language, and I am not going to be your translator.”

    “Is there anyone else who can translate?”

    “No one else even knows there are other languages, let alone speak them.”

    “So, I guess I’ll have to learn your language.”

   “If you wish.” And so, she taught me to speak in a language I never imagined could be so complex. It was a hard language to learn, though mostly just our alphabet with a few different rules and different words. When she finished her lesson, Fu called in Gnuk.

    “Yes?” he asked, in his own tongue.

    “Kiqo here would like to ask you something.”

    “But he cannot speak our tongue.”

    “But I can” I retorted.

    “Impressive. Now, what would you like to ask me?”

   “When I first left, you hugged me, and it left me wondering. What are your feelings about me?” He then blushed profusely and wouldn’t say anything.

    Fu sighed. “Should I tell him?” Gnuk nodded.

    “Gnuk is gay” When I did not seem surprised, the Queen asked why.

    “Gay guys are cool with me, but I don’t swing that way.”

   “But, I love you, with all my heart. From what the queen says about you and from what I see in your mind, I see the wonderful person you are.” This brought a tear to my eye, and I embraced the green man.

    “But, even if I were gay, you know we can never be, right?”

    “But, why not?”

    “We are of different species, of different worlds, and, though I love it here, I would not fit in.”

   “I could transform you into one of us, and you would fit in perfectly.” I knew his words were true, and my current state was proof. I would have stayed, too, but I couldn’t just abandon the world I had longed so much for.

    “I’m sorry, Gnuk, I enjoy my current form. I promise, though, I will find some way for this to work.”

    We stared deep into each other’s eyes, and he finally broke the silence. “Give me just tonight, please.”

   “Alright, then, I will return when the sun drops below the horizon.” And with that, he teleported me back to the same hole as before. I crawled through, then back into Equestria just in time for lunch.

    What I wasn’t expecting was Twilight standing at the other end. “I was so worried about you.”

    “Krak nak nuk nil mek?” I said, speaking the wrong language. “I mean, didn’t you get my note?”

    “You went and learned another language? And you didn’t even bother to bring me along?”

    “I’m sorry, I just thought it would be a personal visit, and I wouldn’t wind up learning their language.”

    “Oh, I see what’s going on. You stole away, back to Nyth, to see your girlfriend, Queen Fu.”

    “She is royalty, and I a lowly vagabond. We would never be together.” That seemed to sate her anger slightly.

    “So where did you go?”

    “I went back to Nyth.”

    “So it was to see Fu!”

    “No, it was to see Gnuk.”

    “Who?” And so, I recanted my tale.

    “So, you find out that some green man is in love with you, and are decide to go running off together?”

    “I never said that, I simply said I would come back tonight and fulfill his desires.”

    At this blatant mention of sexual needs, she blushed. In a whisper barely audible, she said “Me first, please.”

    “I didn’t quite catch that. Did you say...”

   “Yes, alright. I did say. And I mean it. I love you Kiqo. You are my protege, my success story, and are, well, quite a handsome stallion.”

   “Well, I already promised tonight to Gnuk, so...” I trailed off, hoping that would discourage her. It was not that I didn’t like her, it’s simply that Gnuk would see, and I didn’t want to ruin our relationship.

    “Well, there is that interdimensional tunnel behind you where no one will hear us.”

   “Oh, yeah, you’re right.” How could I forget such a thing? Before I could even finish that thought, she shoved me playfully back into the tunnel.

   As soon as I was in the dark, I felt her lips connect with mine. Her sweet lips sent magical energy coursing through me. But that was nothing compared to the next bolt of magic that ripped through me. It was Gnuk. “You unfaithful cur!” he screamed in my head. “How could you do this to me?!”

   I tried to respond and explain that I honestly didn’t want to, but he cut me short. “I have heard enough of your lies. I can’t believe I trusted you. If you ever return to Nyth, you will receive more than a backhand.”

   He left my mind then, but left a sizable hole in his wake. I could not see, think, or even hear. But the next thing I did hear reminded me that a greater mage was here with me. “Are you alright? You stopped and then didn’t respond.”

   “I’m alright, but my worst fears came true. Gnuk contacted me across dimensions into my mind, saw what I was doing, and ended our relationship.”

    “Why is that your worst fear?” She asked, her purple light illuminating her worried face.

    “He is a very powerful sorcerer, and an angry sorcerer is not good, especially when you cannot hide from him.”

   “I’ll keep you safe, my love.” And with that, she banished all my fears with her luscious lavender lips. All I could feel was the pure energy coursing through her and into me. It was a power I doubt Gnuk could even dream of. And with that kiss came something even more magical. I could feel her love. I could taste the magic, metal and shocking, but then there was a subtler taste. It was soft and sweet, warm and comforting, and I found that she actually loved me. And, I found I could return that feeling.

   Before I even realized what I was doing, I had flipped her over and had my member poised at her velvet folds. She pulled away for a moment, and gave me the green light. But, before I could act on my desire for her, a beam of light lanced my vision. I looked into the light, but could see nothing. Then, the light switched off and I saw a mildly overweight near duplicate of my human self staring back at me.

“David!” I exclaimed, leaping at him, momentarily forgetting my not quite so flaccid phallus.

    “A talking pony,” he mused, as if I weren’t there. “But, how do you know my name?” he asked me, though I thought it was obvious.

    “Fill me in too, please” asked Twilight, whose presence I had momentarily forgotten.

    I explained that David was a lifelong friend to Twilight, and told David I was William.

    Twilight butted in with “I thought you were Kiqo” while David sat there, flabbergasted.

    “My birth name is William, but I was dubbed Kiqo, liked the name, and stuck with it.”

  “So, Will, how did you become a pony?” asked David, who had recovered from his flabbergasted state. I retold my tale for what I hoped was the last time, as it was starting to get rather long. I then asked him how he came to be in Equestria.

    “Well, Will, or should start calling you Kiqo, to avoid everyone else’s confusion?”

    “Kiqo would be ideal.”

  “Well, Kiqo, my girlfriend dumped me recently, and I’ve been rather down in the dumps. I knew that you had been evicted, and I figured you were living in the wash, since we were always talking about that. I then came to the conclusion that you would be in The Den. When I got there, you weren’t, but I saw signs of you having been there. I figured you went to have some fun. That’s when I noticed the tunnels you had labeled. I saw only two, and ‘Desolation’ didn’t sound very inviting, so I chose Nyth. I got there, and realized they must have been mislabeled, as this place looked awfully desolate. I went back, and tried ‘Desolation’, hoping for a better result.

  “I honestly have no idea why you labeled it ‘Desolation’. It seemed awfully nice, plenty of night flora and nocturnal animals. I found some small people who lived underground and only came out at night. They dubbed me ‘Shneero’, which is white in their tongue. After some friendly banter in their tongue, I stepped back into our plane and saw a hint of motion farther down the wash. I realize now that that was you, and when I finally caught up to you, I found this.” He said, gesturing at the two of us.

  “Sounds like you had a much more pleasurable time with your relations with extra-planar beings than I did” I said, a little huffily.

    “So, would it be possible for me to get one of these cool transformation thingies?” He asked, eagerly looking at Twilight.

    “Why don’t you try this time?” She asked me.

  And so, she taught me the spell, and I began to cast it. I conjured all the magical force I could muster, and channeled it through the conical protrusion based in my forehead. I tasted pure power for the first time and it tasted deliciously, corruptingly, and tantalizingly sweet. I focused this massive power upon David, forming it into the transformation spell as Twilight had instructed. Soon, the spell tore from me like a wave and took my consciousness with it. I saw nothing more until the next morning.

  The next morning, I awoke to a nigh upon orgasmic smell. It may have been for the fact that I had not eaten in a day or it could have been Spike’s ever delicious cooking. I followed my nose, not even bothering to use my legs, just levitating myself to the source of the wondrous smell. I found myself before a spread of pancakes and a rather peculiar sight. David and Rainbow Dash chatting like old pals.

    “I see you two hit it off fairly well” I observed. “What happened after I passed out?”

  Rainbow Dash told their tale. “Well, I saw some magic thing happen under the bridge near Fluttershy’s cottage. When I flew down there, I saw this handsome stallion trot out. Pitch black fur and a dark blonde mane! Attractive! I introduced myself, and he told me his name was Ace Grafite. I decided to challenge him to a race. He was fast, since he could keep up with me, but he couldn’t go very far until he ran out of juice, so I helped him practice his endurance. Now, he’s fast as me, and can keep up. Then, he ran so hard that he sprouted wings. It was almost as incredible as when we learned you were a unicorn. Eventually, I had him try a sonic boom. When he did, he confessed his love for me.”  At this, Ace blushed.

  “So there are two new couples?” asked Spike, who was walking in with a fresh batch of pancakes, one stack for me, and one for Twilight.

    “I guess you heard about us, then?”

    “Just like every pony in Ponyville.”

    “I guess I am a bit of a loudmouth” said Twilight, who was coming down from the loft.

  “At least it wasn’t one of the other two lovebirds” I said, attempting to fit as many pancakes in my mouth as I possibly could.

  When Spike came back with his flapjack stack, he noticed my empty plate and looked at me, his eyes pleading me to not be hungry. I decided to be a nice guy, and told him the meal was tasty and filling. He seemed awfully relieved that he didn’t have to go and cook more pancakes, and dug into his.

  When everyone had finished their pancakes, I buried my head in more of Twilight’s books. She kept me company a while, but eventually left. I, however, didn’t even notice her presence or lack thereof. Eventually, though, I found myself without any new books to read, and wondered where else I could satiate my insatiable lust for knowledge. Then I remembered. The Starswirl the Bearded wing in Canterlot Castle. But, how was I to get there?

  I pondered this conundrum for a while, coming to several conclusions. Levitating there would be too taxing, hiring a carriage there would wind up being too expensive, and walking there would be too lengthy. Then I realized I could just teleport there. So, I did. When I got there, however, I was repulsed out into the hall my a magic field. I figured Starswirl had put up this spell in order to prevent infiltrators into the wing. So, teleportation being out, but having still gotten me fairly far, I decided to try the door.

It was locked. I never really expected it to be unlocked, but I knew how to pick locks. And with magic, it would be even easier. So, I gathered the small amount of tools I would require. A paper clip from one of the executive’s offices, and a flathead screwdriver. Apparently, Starswirl was not only wise, but omniscient, since, when I stuck my tools into the lock, they disintegrated.

The first thought to cross my mind was ‘I hope they don’t miss that screwdriver.’ The second thought, of course, made much more sense. I had to find a different way to open the door. I had seen the type of lock it was, a pin and tumbler lock, and I knew these locks backwards and forwards, so I simply needed to find a way to pick the lock without using something disintegratable. I pondered this subject, attempting to remember alternative ways to pick locks. It was fruitless. So, I decided to improvise. I only needed to bump the pins into the right place, and then turn the lock, so I set about coming up with substances that would serve my purpose.

I settled on a fluid. I would be able to work it into the lock, push the pins up by altering the form of the water with my magic, and then rotate the tumbler, again with magic. I began my quest for water by looking for a water fountain. I didn’t know what they would look like in this world, adapted for ponies, but I assumed it would be rather obvious. Apparently, though, they don’t have that technology, as I didn’t find any water fountains. So, a little crestfallen at that misadventure, I looked for a glass of water. Certainly they had those, right? I searched and searched, and finally found a glass of water in an office. However, that office was currently occupied. I pondered what to do, wracking my brain for a solution, and I found out that it was the simplest solution, patience. For, after a while, the hard working unicorn left her office. I took this chance, nabbed her glass of water, and took off back towards the Starswirl wing.

I set the glass down in front of the door, and pulled the water from within. I funneled it into the lock, pushed all the right pins, and turned the ‘key’. I then froze the water, which I thought would be a very clever way for me to gain access later. Of course, that proved pointless, since the ice proceeded to disintegrate.

When I entered the wing, I felt a shiver of energy course through me. This must have been Starswirl’s protection spell. What I didn’t understand, however, was that it felt like it was dissipating, not being enforced. I then decided to try something, and tried to teleport. I succeeded, but that was not enough to convince me. I went out into the hall and attempted to teleport back in. It succeeded, and I was downright shocked. I thought I would have to enter manually, but I did not.This pleased me greatly, since I would no longer have to pick the lock. With that out of the way, I set about looking for books, scrolls, tomes, anything to quench this unquenchable thirst for knowledge.

The first scroll I picked up contained a very interesting spell. It was titled ‘How to remove one’s spirit from one’s mortal shell, and how to then reverse the aforementioned spell’. And Rainbow thought I talked smart. I practiced the spell, and found myself looking down on myself looking down on the scroll. It was quite an interesting experience, and was also quite disturbing. I then practiced the spell that which would return me to my body. When I could come and go with ease, it was lunch time.

I teleported back to the Ponyville library, and was met by Twilight. “Where were you?!” she asked, in a voice that rang with rage.

“I went into the Starswirl the Bearded wing in Canterlot, and I guess I got carried away.”

“At least you weren’t off with Gnuk.”

“I don’t think he’d take me back. Anyways, I learned a rather useful spell while up there.”

“Really?” she asked, almost more excited that Pinkie was on a regular basis. So, I taught her the spell, and we both had some fun with it, going around and scaring ponies. When we got back, however, we found ourselves not hungry, and figured out that survival instincts had kicked in when we left, and our mortal shells had eaten.

When she realized this, she also came to the conclusion that if we locked ourselves in, we could do whatever we wanted, and not have to worry about food or sleep. This was the greatest realization she had ever had, and when I told her I could let her into the Starswirl wing, I don’t think she could have been happier, for fear of splitting her face in two. So, we left ourselves in Ponyville, and left for Canterlot. Of course, it was a short trip, since we teleported.

When we got to the wing, we split up, and would reconvene when we had taken our half of the wing. I quickly buried my head in a book, but was disturbed by a dull rumble.

“What was that?” Twilight asked.

“I don’t know.”

When the sun set, though, Twilight told me she had some work to do back in Ponyville. I kept studying, even though it was rather lonesome without her occasional ‘How fun!’ or ‘Very interesting’. I began to notice something, though. My spirit penis began to harden. Since I had not been reading anything arousing, I decided that something was happening to my physical self. I teleported back, and found Twilight, in her body, rubbing me to a state of full arousal.

Not wanting to miss a chance like this, I reentered my body, and just then she mounted me. She slid downwards, and didn’t stop until she had taken all of my shaft. She then lifted her hips, almost pulling me out, but then fell back down, taking it all back in. She continued this, picking up the pace gradually until I was sure she was bruising me with her force. Suddenly, she arched her back, pushing her chest towards me, and her mouth fell open in a quiet scream of ecstasy. She then collapsed upon me, my softening member falling out with a lewd pop. I then looked her in the eye and said “You don’t have to wait until I leave to do that again.”

She screamed, obviously shocked that I was actually there, and though there was no sound, it still had the same effect. Her horn glowed, and she said “How long were you there?”

“From the beginning”

“How did you know?”

“I started to get an erection”

“I guess I should have seen that coming”

“I have just one question, though. You never stopped at your hymen, which leads me to believe that this was not your first time. So, when did you lose your virginity?”

She stuttered over what she said next, and I could tell that she was lying. I said so, then requested the truth.

“I lost it to you” she said, very quietly.

“I think that’s a lie too, since I don’t remember actually having sex with you, and I’m not a heavy enough sleeper for you to have taken advantage of me in my sleep.”

“Well, you were once a very heavy sleeper”

“When?”

“When you transformed Ace”

“So, that’s the real reason why you had me do the transformation spell?”

“Yes”

“You didn’t have to go and trick me like that”

“But you forgot me when Ace showed up and you were trying to dodge sex with me, so I figured you didn’t like me. And then, when I left earlier today, I purposely wiggled my flank in your direction, so that maybe you would ask me to stay. When you didn’t, I could only think that you despised me.”

“And yet you still pursued sex with me?”

“Yes. I thought that even if I couldn’t make you love me, I could get satisfaction out of you.”

“Well, that’s definitely an interesting thought process, but let me explain myself. When Ace showed up, I was simply happy to see my friend. I was avoiding sex with you to not piss off Gnuk. And then, when I didn’t notice you leave, I was simply in the middle of a good book. I am sorry for the way I’ve presented things, but I do love you.”

“You have made me so happy.” she said, in a voice of unrivaled joy.

“I could make you happier” I said, and winked seductively at her.

“We should probably get some rest, though”

“Souls don’t need sleep” I pointed out, grinning. So, we left our bodies to sleep, and rolled through the air, pleasuring each other in every known way, and in some that were formerly unknown. Some time later, we tumbled through a bookcase and noticed the dawn sun crowning the horizon. We separated and returned to our beds, though I awoke to sleep with her. When I awoke the second time, I found I was surprisingly rested after such a night.

      Just like every other morning, I awoke to the smell of Spike’s cooking. I couldn’t put my hoof on today’s breakfast. It smelled a lot like pancakes, but not quite. I trotted into the kitchen, eager to see what he was cooking. However, I stopped when I saw Ace and Rainbow eagerly awaiting breakfast too.

    “Do you always come over to Twilight’s for breakfast?” I asked Rainbow.

    “Only when I’ve got news”

    “So, what’s the news this time?”

  Before Rainbow could reply, Ace silenced her with “Food now, story later”. This made us all laugh, even Spike. He then got perturbed by all the distractions, and banished us. We sat in the dining room, and awaited breakfast. He soon came out with two stacks of waffles, and then returned for more.

    Ace and I then shared confused glances and said “Waffles? But how?”

    “A waffle iron, what else?” Spike called from the kitchen.

Ace and I then laughed at our own stupidity. Spike  came out with two more plates, and went back for the final. Just then, Twilight came down.

    “Sleep well?” I asked her.

    “Physically, yes, but I am so mentally taxed from all that happened last night, I can hardly think straight”

    “I feel fine”

      “That’s ‘cause you never thought straight in the first place” I couldn’t help but chuckle at this, warranting concerned glances from the other two ponies.

    “So, what did you guys do last night?” asked Rainbow, sounding as if she were expecting an ‘egghead’ response.

    “We had sex.” I responded, eyeing my waffles hungrily, but knowing I couldn’t start without Spike a second time.

    “It was magical.”

    “In more ways than one” I said, and chuckled.

    “What made it magical? And why are you mentally taxed?” asked Ace.

  “We removed our souls from our bodies, and apparently, the soul is the mind, so when the soul gets worn out, so does the mind. But, like I said, I feel fine.” I responded.

    “Maybe you’re just a mindless drone.” Twilight said.

    “Could a mindless drone come up with all those...” Before I could finish, Twilight silenced me with her hoof.

    “They probably don’t want to know all that we did last night” she said, removing her hoof from my mouth.

    “I do” replied Ace.

But, before I could go into great detail, Spike walked in with his batch. Before anybody else had even taken a bite, I had already eaten my first one. By the time everyone else had finished their first waffle, I had finished all of mine.

    “Did you even taste it on the way down?” Twilight asked.

    “Tasted it like I...” she quickly stifled me with a hoof.

  “There are others still eating” she said, and refused to take her hoof from my mouth. When everyone else was finished, she removed her hoof.

  “Overreact, much?” I asked “All I was gonna say was ‘Tasted it like I always do’. Geez.” She blushed so profusely then that it seemed her fur would be stained red. “Although” I mused “It did taste a lot like...” She quickly hoofed me, but I continued to talk behind her hoof. Her curiosity got the best of her, and she removed her hoof “...with a slathering of whipped cream...” she hoofed me again, grinning embarrassedly, obviously remembering that time from last night. Behind her hoof, my mouth still worked to create words. Eventually, I finished the lavish description of what I had tasted, and stopped talking. She removed her hoof from my mouth, and attempted to glare me into silence. It didn’t work. “Your hoof tastes nice” I remarked, letting a gigantic grin slap me across the face.This broke the tension between us, and she laughed. The other three were just sitting there, staring at us, waiting for us to be done.

    “You two done horsing around?” Rainbow asked, obviously ready to tell her story.

    “We finished that last night” I remarked, and got a stare from Twilight that would put Fluttershy’s to shame.

    “Well, we finished first” Ace said, obviously proud.

    “Is that an achievement?” I asked “I thought you always shot for longevity”

    “Well, we, uh, you know...” he trailed off, his embarrassment showing in his now scarlet cheeks and broken speech.

    “Alright, alright, tell your story. And do it fast, I think Twilight’s trying to burn a hole in me with her eyes.”

This got me a snicker from Twilight, and I couldn’t help but wonder where she was going to put that hole and what she would do with it afterwards.

  “Well, we’re both fast, so we decided to race everywhere. This obviously got us everywhere fast, since neither of us likes losing. I decided to show him Cloudsdale. Of course, I forgot that he wasn’t born a pegasus, and wasn’t used to the thin air. He wound up fainting, and I had to dive to catch him. I wound up performing a sonic rainboom, and barely caught him before he hit the ground. He looked up at me and said ‘My hero. I think I owe you for saving my life.’ I asked him what he was going to do for me, but he just said he’d show me. He began kissing me, first on the lips, then slowly trailing down my body. He stopped to play with my nipples. I didn’t even know they could be pleasured, but it still sent shivers down my spine. When he moved on down to my vagina, he didn’t stop. He slid his tongue in and showed me a world of pleasure I had never known. It didn’t take me long to cum, and when I did, it shook my world. He seemed intent to give me another orgasm that way, but I stopped him. I pushed him over and mounted him. He was shocked that I would pleasure him to pleasure myself, but I owed him after that orgasm. However, he wouldn’t be satisfied that I would do all the work, so he rolled me over. He slid in, and I braced myself for the painful break I knew was coming. He stopped at the point of no return, but I told him to keep going, and I may never feel a more extreme pain in my life. But, after the pain faded, pleasure more intense than the pain came, and I couldn’t help but go slack jawed. His dick rubbing my insides in all the right ways. Oh my gosh, it was so intense I found myself cumming again in no time at all. I’ll never clop again.”

She then blushed profusely, realizing she had just been very open about her first time.

    “Don’t worry, you’ll never have to clop again.” Ace said, looking at her seductively.

    “Now, why aren’t you silencing them?” I asked Twilight.

    “That’s one of their jobs”

    “That was one sexy story” said Pinkie, who we hadn’t even noticed until now.

    “Normally, I’d ask, but I’ve seen stranger” said Twilight, looking confusedly unconfused.

  “I should throw a party! An ‘I lost my virginity’ party. But, it shouldn’t be my usual cakes and balloons and confetti. Something more... adult. Hmm...” she continued to ponder like this until her eyes lit up like a neon sign, and she dashed off.

    “I guess I should tell everyone else” said Twilight, preparing herself to depart.

    “I’ve got the perfect drink for this party!” squealed Rainbow, clapping her hooves together.

    “Don’t you always?” asked Spike, uninterested.

    “Lay off her.” Ace retorted “What are you going to bring?”

    “Rum and spike, of course.”

    “What’s spike?” Ace and I asked, equally confused.

    “It’s like straight caffeine, only in soda form”

  Ace and I tried to relate it to our world, something we could understand. He got there before me and exclaimed “Mountain Dew!”

    “You guys have it where you come from, too?”

  “Fuck yeah! Rum and mountain dew are my life blood. I drink that shit like it’s water.” They then shared an overly loud ‘Fuck yeah!’ and an epic brohoof. They then tore out of there as if their tails were on fire. Spike and I watched, unamused, as they almost ripped the door off its hinges.

    “So, what’re you gonna bring?” I asked Spike, very curious as to what dragons drink.

  “I might visit my dragon friends, see if I could get some Scale of the Dragon. That stuff is to die for.” With this, he left. This left me very confused, since I had no idea what to do. I could only think of one thing. I felt like Twilight for thinking this, but I thought it anyway. Research. So, I asked around for what kinds of liquor I could get in this world.

  I walked around Ponyville, looking for any place that sold liquor. When I found none, I asked some ponies. Most didn’t know, but when I stumbled across a purple mare with berries for a cutie mark, she pointed me in the right direction. I stopped there, and found they had everything on Earth, and then some. I picked up a bottle of vanilla vodka, and asked for the soda store. He gestured with a hoof, looking at me like I was queer. I didn’t care, I had done this before, and with the orange cream soda and root beer I picked up at the soda place, my recipe was complete.

I trotted back to the library, and found a mixer in the back of the fridge, already chilled. Man, she was prepped for anything. I poured in equal parts of v. vodka, root beer, and orange cream, and shook thoroughly. I wound up with a lot, and I was glad. This drink wasn’t meant to last the entire party, just to get people tipsy enough to try something new. I took a sip, and was thrown back to the day when I first found the bottle of vodka in my dad’s cabinet. I had always loved experimenting, and this reminded me how fun that can be. I waited for Pinkie to arrive, expecting some sort of spiked punch. As I finished this thought, the door opened, and Pinkie trotted in, carrying a large basin between her and Twilight.

“What’s in the tub?” I asked, peering over the edge.

“Jungle Juice!” Pinkie bubbly replied.

“Sounds fun. I made an appetizer.”

“Spent your allowance already?” Twilight asked.

“Yeah, but I’m sure you’ll be pleased.” I let them taste the drink, and reveled in the glee that overtook them.

“That’s amazing!” Pinkie exclaimed, apparently already having tasted her brew, since a ruddiness spread across her cheeks.

“It is pretty good, but I don’t know if everypony will be so eager to try it.” I pondered this point for a small while, then poured most of the mixture back into the bottles the sodas came from, and poured the rest into red plastic cups, standing solo on the party table Pinkie had set up. We placed the tub next to the table, and dipped a ladle into it. We awaited the other guests, and the drinks they would bring. Twilight brought down some scotch and shot glasses. Fluttershy brought a tub of liquid she assured us was a gigantic margarita. Some woodland animals trotted in after, carrying the affirming glasses. Rarity arrived with a bottle of white wine, always a woman of high taste. Rainbow showed up with her rum and spike mix, and told us Ace may be late. Spike then arrived, slightly burned, holding a molten looking glass bottle of liquid. As Twilight comforted him, I took a sniff of the bottle. I swear I could have held a match over and had a small pyre. Apple Jack was next, carrying a few bottles of hard cider. Ace bolted in a few steps after her, carrying a bottle of Jager Meister.

“What took you so long?” I asked Ace.

“I had to get my bottle back from my dad. When he kicked me out, he made me leave it behind. Bastard.”

“Let the party begin!” exclaimed Pinkie, and the best party any world has ever seen or may ever see began. It began with just us, but other ponies trickled in, dropping off different drinks on the table. We wound up with everything from A to Z, and far too many more to list. This raucous party continued into the late night of the next day, and involved much drunk sex, a few fights, but one fight this world may never forget. It was not the words thrown around, but what happened because of those words.

In attempt to purge my system of poisons, I stepped outside. Always a good friend, Ace stepped out with me, clutching his bottle of Jager like a trophy wife.

“Couldn’t ya juss get cherself anuther bottle?” I managed to ask in between torrents of puke.

He looked at me, to his bottle, then back to me. “Du you know how long I’ve had thish bottle?”

“That’sh muh point.”

“You callin her old?”

“Old enuf” I said, reaching for it.

“Dude, naw.”

“C’mon”

“Hah nya nye!” He yelled in the foreign tongue he had learned. Since he was yelling in a language I couldn’t understand, I decided to return the favor.

“Kah neh!” I retaliated, feeling the words form and explode in my chest.

“Hah teh nya~a” he threw back.

This continued, sometimes one of us getting the upper hand, causing the other to back away until they fought back. This lead us out into a field, where the real magic happened.

“Kah nye nah!” I returned to one of his statements. A piece of earth lifted up and flung itself at him, but he dodged it.

“Yeh neh ye~” He retaliated, which caused a sudden, and very hard gust of wind to fly in my direction.

Our verbal argument turned into a slugfest between the elements, dust flying everywhere. At one point, I distinctly remember ripping up a huge chunk of earth, ready to crush his stubborn head, but having that smashed to bits by a very powerful ball of wind. Our respective elements clashed again and again, causing massive destruction to the field we were fighting in. Finally, I caught a gust of wind in the chest, but not before a saying I will always regret escaped my lips.

“Kah men ku” I said, and the earth folded in half, crushing him like a fly.

His final breath threw me back into a tree. It didn’t take me long to regain consciousness, but the blow had knocked the alcohol out of my system. I awoke to see a circle of ponies growing. I could hear wailing, but couldn’t put it on a certain pony. I rose unsteadily, weakened from the battering he gave me. I pushed through the crowd, and found Rainbow, near eyeless from the tears she had already shed onto the mound of meat that was my friend.

“You!” she screamed, in a rage that would have made the Hulk calm down. “How could you do this?”

“I didn’t mean to, I swear. I was drunk.”

“Just cuz you were drunk and didn’t mean to doesn’t bring him back.”

“You haven’t even let me try” I said, mentally knocking her silly. I left my body, and entered the pile that was him. When I entered it, my soul reformed him to suit me. Eventually, he stood there, lifelike. But, my work wasn’t done. I left the undead pony to go searching for his soul. It didn’t take me long, because I knew where I would find him. He sat where he had dropped his Jager bottle, crying as the pieces passed through his hooves. I put a hoof on his back, causing him to turn to me.

“Why would you do this to me?” he asked, not furious like Rainbow, but completely miserable. “And her...” he gestured at the pieces strewn on the ground.

“I wish I could tell you I could bring her back, but I can bring you back”

“I don’t want to return to the world of the living if it means I have to abandon her.”

“What about her?” I asked, pointing a transparent hoof at Rainbow, who was still trying to coax an answer out of Ace’s body.

It was then that he remembered the carnal pleasures that could not be fulfilled by a broken bottle. I couldn’t even see him, he moved so fast. I took my time, and when I got there, I found the two mid coitus. This, of course, aroused everypony else. And, since everypony in Ponyville had come to the party, and everypony at the party had come to watch us fight, everypony in Ponyville became aroused. Looks of lust shot to other ponies in the crowd. Some were heterosexual, some, not so much. I searched the crowd for Twilight, and found her, sweating from the heat of a thousand bodies in motion, drowned in the musk of colt and mare. I grabbed her, and we added to the massive orgy. I don’t recall what happened after, but I know I eventually passed out.

I woke up in the morning to a strange scent. I quickly placed it on the grey folds my snout was buried in. Luckily, it seemed like Twilight was the only one I fucked, since my dick was still sitting at her entrance. My ears then caught the strangest sound. Moaning. Not being tortured moaning, but pleasured moaning. Was someone still fucking?

The answer was yes. Atop a glorious pile of passed out, cumstained ponies sat Ace and Rainbow, still going as if they would never end. I felt the strangest sense of pride swell in my chest. I followed my sex drunk mind back to the library, and found the shelves covered in a tarp, and Spike nursing his half molten, half empty bottle of Scale of the Dragon.

“Good idea, putting up these tarps” I commented.

“Why are you congratulating me? It was your idea.”

“Really? Well, I knew I had a bad memory, but that’s ridiculous.”

“It was two days ago...” he said, taking a sip of his drink.

“Spike, dear, pass me more of that holy liquor.” called a mysterious voice from behind one of the toppled statues. Spike set it down, and slid it in her direction. Rarity’s head soon came out from behind the statue, her throat struggling to down as much of the intoxicant as she could.

“I hope you two had fun last night” I commented, hoping Spike finally got some.

“Oh, you bet” Spike replied. “We tried every position in the book. I was in so many of her holes. Gosh, it was great.”

“Oh, yes, his dragon dick was so much hotter than I could have ever imagined. It almost burned my insides. But it was so worth it.”

Having heard enough, I retired to my room, planning to let my battered, broken, bruised, and boned body rest while I went and gave Twilight a piece of my mind, literally. However, when I got there, she said she was sore, so we sat there, watched Rainbow and Ace go through the day in carnal pleasure, and chatted.

“Do you think she’s sore?” I asked after a while.

“I can only imagine, but the pain is probably numbed by his dick.”

“How does sex feel?”

“Why are you asking? You should know.”

“No, I meant what does it feel like on your end?

“Oh, that makes much more sense. It’s like” she paused, searching for the right words. “I can’t explain it.”

“You know who could?”

“Who?”

“Starswirl.”

“But he’s dead.”

“His works aren’t” she  then turned to me as if I had just proved that we were constantly in motion, and that the planet never actually moved.

“We have to try this.” she said, lewd wonder forming a seductive grin.

    And so, we teleported to the Starswirl wing, and began our frantic search to find the key to ultimate pleasure. We found everything from ‘Asymptomatic Arthritis’ to ‘Zoological Cures to Everything’, but nothing on gender change. We even tried stitching different spells together, but that just wound up with misformed genatalia. We were about to give up hope when a scroll appeared out of thin air. We opened it and began the next hunt. A treasure hunt.

The scroll read: ‘On the borders of Griffin territory, in an old farmhouse, you shall find a bear rug. In his mouth will be your next clue -Starswirl’

We tried to figure out a way to get there, but couldn’t figure it out. Teleportation was out of the question, since we didn’t know what the place looked like. We couldn’t walk, since griffin territory was more than a week’s walk away, and then we’d have to find the house, and didn’t even know if it was still on the border, since the border was always shifting.

“Confound it all!” I cried, and threw myself on the impeccably clean floor.

This motion disturbed the scroll, and something fell out of it. It was a picture of a farmhouse. We realized what this meant, and teleported ourselves to this house. As guaranteed by Starswirl, we found an old bearskin rug, almost bald with age, and inside its mouth was the next scroll.

‘This is the farm where I worked to pay for magic college. A grand mage must start somewhere, right? They needed someone skilled to defend against the warring factions. In that time, Equestria wanted some of the Griffin land, and the Griffins wanted some of Equestria’s land. As such, they were at constant war. This simple homestead was a key point between the two nations. Here, I learned to not have any mercy in defending those I loved. Yes, I loved them. It’s true, I started here for the money, but I came to know and love them. I saw days when a massive Griffin army came charging at this humble home. I stood between the house and the Griffins and fought them off with everything I could muster. I saw other days when Equestrians would be so caught up in a charge they forgot this place. I was the only thing that could keep this farm from being trampled. In this place, I fought and killed both ponies and griffins. Nothing could keep me from defending those I love. It shouldn’t stop you, either. The next scroll is here. -Starswirl’

We looked at the picture laying on the ground, a gigantic tree in the middle of a courtyard. Before we teleported, though, I asked Twilight what she thought about this scroll.

“It’s beautiful, honestly. I never knew I knew so little about Starswirl himself. I have most of his works memorized, but this makes him seem like a completely new pony.”

“I’m fairly sure almost no one knows this about him. Should we save the scroll?”

“No, I think we should leave it here. Not everypony needs its guidance.” With that sentiment, we teleported to this tree.

We arrived in a campus courtyard, beneath a blossoming cherry tree. In one of its branches was a hint of white. I pulled it down, unfurled it, and heard his words, preserved through the ages on nothing but simple animal hide.

‘This cherry tree is in a more secluded part of the campus, as you may have noticed. I went to school here, and this is where I discovered more about myself than magic. Sure, they had great things to teach, but I learned just that much more about myself. I found I was different. I was hardly twenty six years old and had a beard that would double as a broom without me bending over an inch. All the other ponies laughed, and I felt downright downtrodden. Then, I found this tree, so beautiful in such a desolate section. It showed me that in even depressing situations, your true, inner skills can persevere. The next time I felt the sting of ‘Hairy’ or ‘Walking Broom’, I remembered this tree and replied thus: “I am Starswirl the bearded. I hear your jeers, but I could care less. A beard is a sign of wisdom, and the fact that I have one proves I am more mature than you and your pathetic jokes.” So many ponies’ jaws hit the floor, I think it shook the foundation of the entire building, and we were on the fifth floor. Your next scroll is here. -Starswirl’

A picture of a large hospital in old Canterlot style fell to the floor.

“Do you think he’s still here, trying to teach us lessons he had to learn the hard way?” I asked, suddenly getting a chill.

“There’s only one way to find out.”

We teleported to the location, only to find that the picture was really old, and now inaccurate. In the picture, the place was intact. We entered the burned husk of a building, kicking up dust in a place that smelled strongly of death and souls not yet departed. On a shelf, looking completely out of place, sat an immaculately white scroll. We opened it, and heard the same voice reaching across the ages.

‘This is the hospital where I was born. Here, I found the power of love. My mother gave birth to me, but promptly fell ill. My father sat there for a year, never leaving her side. The nurses began to treat him like a patient, giving him food, washing him, even changing his bed pan. I taught myself to walk, with little help from the nurses, even though they treated me like the hospital pet. At five, I was still in the hospital, and learned to talk. I asked one of the nurses why I was here. She told me that my father and mother were very sick. She took me to the room where they were, and I expected both of them to be bedridden. Instead, all I found was a husk of a woman and an emotional wreck of a man. I had absolutely no emotional connection to them, and promptly left. I never saw them again. I attended public school, fed myself by acting cute and helpless. By my teen years, I found out that didn’t work anymore. I begged my way through life until I could get a job, and I took the first one I could get, even if I could easily die there. Your next scroll is here. -Starswirl’

The picture was of a seared field. We had no idea what this could mean, but we knew we must.

“I’m starting to think these really will tie into something later.” I said, feeling very creeped out.

“I don’t see how this one could. ‘The power of love’. He basically said love is tragic.”

  “I’m sure Ace can tell you this rings true.” I said, knowing he always bounced between women, and wound up crushed at the end of each one. She just eyed me suspiciously and teleported. I followed suit.

We found ourselves on a lush green field with a small cottage, completely different from the one in the picture. Stuck in the ground at our hooves was a glass bottle. We picked it up, and read the scroll inside.

‘When I had finished college, I contracted a severe case of wanderlust. This carried me far and wide, until I came across this field, charred like everything was in that time. I came by here after Celestia banished Luna to the moon, but during the period where she could not bring the night properly. Every field in Equestria was singed, and ponies resorted to carnivorism, and eating the berries that grew in the only shaded place in Equestria, the Everfree Forest. I saw this field, and realized that too much of a good thing could have destructive results. I had already seen this, in my father’s case, but this was the blatant truth. But then, I saw a bud of life. It was a tiny little thing, barely even able to poke through the parched earth. I saw that even in the most severe conditions, life will continue on. So, I helped the little thing out. I watered him, and shaded him, and whether it was due to magic or just simple stubbornness, the small sprout grew to a full tree in no time at all. Every year, it shed some branches, like a bird molts, and I used these fallen branches to build myself a cottage. One day, I stepped out of my cottage, and the tree was gone. No stump, no hole, just gone. So, I resumed my wandering. -Starswirl’

What fell out was a picture of a tree. It was not a normal tree, since it had legs and a gently smiling mouth.

“So, either we’re going to find a scroll in a tree, or we’re going to talk to a tree.” Twilight mused.

“I hope it’s the latter.”

We teleported, and found ourselves bathed in true darkness. There’s nighttime dark, lights just went out dark, pitch black, can’t see your hoof in front of your face dark, and then there’s true dark. It was so dark I began to doubt the existence of a sun. Then, when I thought it could get no creepier, a voice old as the hills and slower than molasses in January came out of this impenetrable black.

“Starswirl, is that you, old friend?”

“We are but his students.” I replied, albeit shakily.

“Hmm, I thought that was his magic. But, I guess if he teaches you, he must have taught you some of his spells. Now, what are you two here for?”

“He sent us here on a journey through his past. We just came from a field where he said he helped you grow” she said this, and had a bright idea.

She caused a light to emanate from her horn. I immediately wished she hadn’t. What sat before us was an age old oak, trunk scarred from who knows what. There was a crack that I could only assume was his mouth. This crack was set into an everlasting pleasant smile. His eyes, or what I thought were eyes, were a deep amber color, looking like some of his sap had leaked out and had set as globes in hollows set equidistant from a bulbous growth right above his ‘mouth’. His old, gnarled hands rested on his knees. The massive legs were folded underneath him, and didn’t look like they’d move, even if they could. Atop his head sat a tangle of branches, some sticking out at odd angles, others clinging to old bird nests. I felt an extreme sense of awe wash over me, followed by one of dread. Who knew what those massive oaken arms could do, even if they were extremely slow? As soon as I had had this thought, I elbowed Twilight, who quickly extinguished her light.

“I see he has taught you well. The old stallion taught you everything he knows, I bet. For, you two show up not only with his teleportations, but also as your true selves, your souls. But, you came here for his past, so I will tell you. What do you already know?”

“We have seen the homestead he defended in the Equestrian-Griffin wars. We saw the college where he learned, the hospital where he was born, and the field where you were born.” I said, trying to keep the fear from my voice.

“I will tell you his story. You may think I don’t know anything about Starswirl before he wandered, but I know from before then. You see, when he was running around the hospital, he inadvertently picked up a seed. I sat there, happy on his shin. I lived his life with him. I saw his heart hardened by his father. I saw him reject all friends in school. I saw him begging on the streets after school. I wanted to tell him to make some friends, that they would help him out, but I couldn’t, I was just a seed. I watched him tough through this life of his without a bit to his name until he became an adult. When he achieved that, his life started looking up. He defended the homestead with a vigorous love he had been unable to exhaust on a family or marefriends. Then, he got into college. He was harassed day in and day out. I saw him see the desolate courtyard with the still blooming cherry tree. I heard him make his declaration. I saw him graduate college as the valedictorian, with ‘Most likely to succeed’ dropped on him as well. He then wandered. When I saw him begin to fall apart at that field, I dropped off and sprouted. This convinced him that there will always be a new beginning. But, he settled down. I had not wanted this, knowing wandering was his destiny. So, I left. I do not know what happened after that, but one day I decided to track him down. Many ponies were afraid of me, so I could not get an answer out of them. But, when they heard ‘Starswirl’ they just pointed me towards the Canterlot library. I found him there, his beard dusting the millions of tomes he read. When I entered, he displayed not fear, but love. I was there when he first died, then there when he found a way to bypass death. I heard his revelation that death was not final, but still a necessary end. He had realized that all things must one day end. Then, he died. I kept him by my side. Strangely, he has not rotted or decayed at all.”

“May we see him?” I asked as I tried to digest all of this information.

“You may. You may also want to be able to see.”

So, we lit our horns, and followed him deeper into this nigh impenetrable dark. After many miles and more than our fair share of brambles, we came to a stone tomb. We all stopped at the entrance.

“I can go no further.” The ancient tree said.

“Typical of a cryptic guardian. He can’t enter the place he guards.” I commented.

“This time, I really can’t. It’s not anything like a magic spell, or even my own guilt. It’s simply physical. I am too large.”

“Then how’d he get in there?” Twilight asked, now skeptical of whether or not he was there when Starswirl died.

“It was his last spell. This used to be a ditch. When he died, his spirit told me to leave. When I did, he erected this tomb.”

“How do you know he’s not rotting?” Twilight asked, still suspecting his lies.

“I’m part fungus, and fungi can sense the rotting.”

“That’s actually quite handy.” I said, thinking of all the uses for a power like that.

As I was thinking this, Twilight dragged me into the dank crypt. We were immediately greeted by the must of age. In this old tomb, scrolls basically were the walls. It was a classic tomb, a few stories stair stepping down to a grand chamber where a great hero usually enjoyed endless sleep.

“I think this place has more scrolls than the wing in Canterlot” mused Twilight as she dragged me down story after story, deep into the bowels of this planet.

Finally, we arrived in a chamber. At the end of it lay Starswirl. The floor was covered in what appeared to be a rug. On closer inspection, it was revealed to be pony hair. It all swirled and flowed in different direction, but it all eventually ended up at Starswirl’s chin.

“That is one hell of a beard” I said, snapped out of my daydream by the sheer stupendousness of what covered the floor.

Eager to feel it, I stepped onto the rug. Of course, I had forgotten two things. The first was the fact that I was a spirit and couldn’t feel anything. The second was that Starswirl was an immensely powerful being, and if he died twice, what kept him from still being alive? As soon as my hoof hit the hair, a shock of intense magic coursed  through my veins. Then, as sure as I write this, Starswirl’s ‘corpse’ stood. He approached me and spoke in a voice that came from, and was, deeper than where we currently stood.

“Ye who have entered the tomb of Starswirl the Bearded, prepare to feel the wrath of the greatest unicorn that ever lived and ever will live!” he bellowed as he charged at me, preparing to gore me with his horn.

I then saw Twilight jump in front of me, but then feel the same paralyzing shock as I. Then, a voice came out of the dark.

“Stop, Swirl! I know these guys. I sent them here. They’re the company I told you to expect.”

Before he had even formed the second syllable, Starswirl ground to a halt, and ashamedly returned to his former position.

“Sorry about him” said the same voice. “I hope he didn’t scare you.” There was a flare of light, and we found we could move again.

“He scared us no more than your oak friend” I said, turning around to come face to face with Starswirl’s spirit.

“Well, I guess you got access to that wing. Do they have all my spells?”

“With all the ones we’ve found here, I’m fairly sure that’s a negative.” Twilight said, hardly getting over her glee at seeing Starswirl.

“Well, that’s sad. Since I know why you’re here, I might as well get you what you want. Put it in the wing when you’re finished with it.”

Twilight and I exchanged worried glances, and whispered to each other: “What did we come for again?” Starswirl then turned, laughing heartily.

“That’s a riot! First, you think I can’t hear everything you say, and second, you’ve forgotten what you came for. You two are the best thing that’s happened since I died.” Twilight and I blushed at this very strange compliment. “Well, here’s what you came for, even if you don’t remember coming for it.”

When Twilight read it, she blushed profusely. That clicked my memory back into place, and I had no reason to read the scroll.

“So, almighty one, why did you send us on such a journey?” He guffawed at ‘almighty one’, but calmed down enough to answer my question in a reasonable amount of time.

“My ‘life’ here is pretty dull, I just wanted to teach again. I hope you two took notes.” We all laughed at that until I broke through the noise with an awkward ‘no’.

He just looked at us, shocked. “No notes? But, how will you ever remember my lessons?” He looked so sad, I felt terrible, but Twilight piped up and cheered him right up.

“If we ever forget your lessons, we should be smote by the full unbridled power of the two princesses. Your lessons were very powerful, and put in a very meaningful way. A lesson like can’t be forgotten, no matter how much time passes. Those lessons are eternal.” By the time she finished her small speech, Starswirl was positively beaming.

“You two have made my day. Make your foray into the worlds of science, magic, and love with my blessing.” With that, Starswirl faded.

We walked up through the crypt, letting his words and his lessons sink in. When we finally got out, we said our farewells to our tree friend, who told us his name is Mordekai. We then teleported home, and got to witness the final orgasm of the most enduring couple ever to grace Equestria. But, that was probably the final one either of them were ever going to have. Twilight and I climbed up the mountain of cumstained ponies, most of who were beginning to move. We crested the top, seeing the couple that was a tribute to sex. Three days, nonstop. But, Twilight and I had a plot, and a mischievous one at that.

“So, which gender?” I asked her.

“I was thinking making them both male.”

“I dunno, Rainbow could still be being penetrated...” Twilight reread the scroll, and suddenly jabbed a hoof at a certain point. I looked, and grinned mischievously. Our horns flared, and when we left, we left no genatalia on either of them. We then found our bodies, reinhabited them, and went back home. We spent the night in each others’ arms, and awoke to screams of horror. We chuckled at this. “Looks like they found out.”

    We walked downstairs to gemini genderless glares. “What the fucking fuck is wrong with you?”

“We should ask you. I mean, three days. It was for your own good. And maybe you’ll find that love is better for more than sex.”

“Okay, maybe we did go over the top, but this is reversible, right?”

“Yeah, but you might be a virgin afterwards.”

“Great, just great.”

We went downstairs to see about breakfast, but instead found an inebriated Spike in the arms of an equally wasted Rarity.

“I’m not gonna be makin anyfin thish mornin” he declared, belching a small plume of green flame.

“Oh, you’re making something, darling. You’re making this lady happy.”

So, we left the new, lewd couple to their sex-driven stupor, and went out for breakfast. Of course, we had forgotten that every pony in town had a hangover. So, we teleported to Canterlot. We enjoyed a hearty meal, and a healthy chat. Our talk drifted from topic to topic, from politics to Earth. It eventually landed on cutie marks. Rainbow and Twilight told us how they got their cutie marks, even though we already knew. They then asked about Ace’s cutie mark.

“It’s a pretty strange cutie mark, a pencil drawing a spade symbol” Twilight mused, earning nods of consent from Rainbow and I. “What does it mean?”

“Ever since I was a wee babby, I’ve seen the spade symbol as a symbol of stealth, and since I’m fairly sneaky, I earned the spade. The pencil simply signifies that I’m an artist. What about yours, Kiqo?” he asked, seeming eager to be free of the spotlight.

When the words ‘I don’t have one’ left my lips, I received stares from the other three as if I had just told them I was an octopus creature from Vargoth-9.

“You don’t have a cutie mark?” asked a stunned Rainbow.

“Nope, and may I never have one. I’m too accustomed to change to be pinned down onto one specific skill.” I said, idly scratching my flank.

“What do you mean, too accustomed to change?”

“I can’t stand regularity. It drives me insane. When I was in school, I would cause fights between people just to break the monotony. So, I just hope I never have a cutie mark.” Twilight, realizing how awesome it would be to not have a cutie mark, slumped down in her chair. Suddenly, she pointed at my flank.

“Hah, that’ll show you! Everypony has a cutie mark!”

I looked down, and sure as sugar, there was a cutie mark. I looked at it, and was dumbfounded. I have no idea how to even begin to describe it, but I had seen it before on the internet. It is an Adinkra symbol, Mmere Dane, the symbol of change. I absolutely adored this symbol as a kid, and had once tried to convince teachers that it was my actual name.

“Cool” I said, not exactly interested.

“All you’ve got to say is ‘cool’? That is so much more than cool. It’s spectacular, radical, awesome, uh... Dang it, there aren’t enough words in the dictionary to describe that mark.”

“I’ve got a few. You’ve got majestic, magnificent, wicked, mind blowing, impressive, tubular, terrific, fantastic, super, stupendous, phenomenal, wondrous, extra...” before I could rattle off all the synonyms for ‘cool’, Twilight silenced me with a hoof.

“Are you a living dictionary?” Rainbow asked, beginning to wonder the depths of my knowledge.

“I read a dictionary, and tried to commit it to memory, so pretty close.”

“You read a dictionary?” asked the other three, in a unison that would have disturbed the cutie mark crusaders.

“I was bored, and I had nothing else to do.”

“No books?”

“No exercise?”

“No internet?”

“I had read every book on my shelf, and it was storming outside, which meant the power was out and I couldn’t go outside, so...”

“You could have exercised inside”

“Woop dee doo, I could run in circles. Sounds like a blast”

“You could’ve sat in a corner and just let your mind run free.” Ace suggested.

“If you mean that literally, I didn’t have any magic then, and if you mean that figuratively, who says I didn’t?”

“You say you didn’t”

“No, all I said was I read a dictionary. The storm lasted for a good few days, so I had a lot of time on my hooves”

“I am so glad I wasn’t in town for that one, I probably would have been driven insane.”

“Yeah, I still wonder how many marbles that storm took.”

“So, you’re saying you’re not all there?” Twilight asked, concerned that she may have done a crazy person.

“I never was. From the age of around three, when I almost died from alcohol poisoning, I was never totally sane. But, sanity is for the weak.”

“You can’t be insane, you just admitted it.” Ace observed, pointing out a classic stereotype.

“No, that’s just a stereotype. I was actually diagnosed, but didn’t let that have an impact. I hear voices, but I’ve learned to tune them out. Insanity can be awfully fun if you let yourself sink far enough in, but if you learn to keep afloat, you can keep up a facade of sanity.”

“So, you’re definitely insane?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, yes. Without a doubt. I just put on a mask, and tell most everyone I’m fine.”

“You’re slipping into egghead talk again” Rainbow pointed out.

“Oh, sorry. It’s hard to manage such an assortment of fake faces”

“Wait, you’re insane and all fake?” Twilight asked, worrying that our love was a game.

“Not all fake, just hidden. But, don’t worry, my love for you is one hundred percent, grade A, all natural, from the soul.”

“So, what don’t we know about you?”

“It’s easier to list what you actually know. Ace here knows a lot about me, but even he has been fooled by some of my fake faces.”

“Wait, so you haven’t always been honest with me? What have you lied about?”

“Remember when I said your sister was pretty?”

“Remember when I said yours was pretty?”

“But I don’t have a sister”

“Exactly”

“How long have you two known each other?” Twilight asked, observing our banter with amusement.

“Forever” Ace responded.

“Not quite, but it feels like that. It was long ago, in the days of yore. I can’t remember when we met exactly, though”

“The specifics don’t matter, all that matters is that we grew close as brothers”

“I think we’ve grown closer”

“You guys are starting to creep me out” Rainbow said, attempting to scoot away from what could have easily been seen as gay sex waiting to happen.

Ace noticed his arm around my neck, blushed profusely, and then attempted to defend his preference. “I’m not like that, Rainbow. I mean, he’s a cool guy, but... Wait, I don’t have any genitals. And, if I don’t have any genitals, I don’t have a gender. If I don’t have a gender I can’t be gay!” He then tore off through town shouting ‘I can’t be gay!’ all the way.

“Is he always this excitable?”

“Not often, but sometimes”

“I’m going to go try to catch him. Or it. Whatever.” Rainbow said, stretching her wings, and taking off in a huff.

When she was nothing more than a cyan dot in the distance, Twilight and I chuckled and walked back to the library. She thought we should give them their genders back, but I pointed out how much fun this was. We argued about this for awhile, and settled on a way to compromise. Of course, we had to tell the other lovebirds, and they were still off running around.

We opened the library door, and saw an unfamiliar sight. Nopony in sight. Even Spike had disappeared. Since it had to be done, we cleaned up the library, picking up solo red plastic cups, and scrubbing the various body fluids from the tarps. When all that was clean, we took down the tarps, stashing them away for another party. When we did so, we found Spike and Rarity. They lay in each other’s arms, just sleeping. We gently moved them outside, trying to not wake them. When we did, the other pony pair showed up. We invited them in and told them our plan.

“So, you two are without genitals due to us” said Twilight, addressing the two genderless ponies before us.

“But, we’re having a lot of fun at your expense” I said, following up on queue.

“So, we’ve got a proposition”

“Either we give you genitals now, but they may not be yours”

“Or, you spend a month genderless and you get your genitals then”

“What is your choice?” we asked in unison.

The other two looked at each other, and decided upon a hushed, hurried conversation.

“We’ll take the first option” said Rainbow, speaking for both of them.

Twilight and I grinned at each other, and our horns flared. When the magic subsided, we were both fairly tired, but the other two seemed very excited.

“Yahoo!” Ace yelled, though he quickly slapped his hooves over his mouth when he realized his voice was high pitched and feminine.

“That was part of the deal” said Rainbow, who then mimicked Ace when she heard her usual feminine voice.

That was when they checked themselves, and found both of themselves women.

“What’s the big idea?” yelled an outraged and effeminate Ace

“We said they may not be yours”

“We never said your genders would be switched”

With this news, they shared a defeated glance. They left the library, chatting about how their lives would be different with their new equipment. I thought I heard something about scissors, but I couldn’t be sure.

“You know, finishing each other’s sentences like that was awfully fun” said Twilight.

“I’m so glad we can hear each other’s thoughts”

“No secrets from here on out, right?”

“Right”

We continued through the day, hearing each other’s thoughts, finishing each other’s sentences, and wound up that night in each other’s arms. We slept so peacefully that night, not knowing that Ace and Rainbow were having a night of terror and memory, peace nowhere to be found.