The Nine

Suffocating. That’s the only word to fit the situation. Two ponies shoved in a space barely big enough for one pony. Then, the roof starting coming down on us. I saw my life flash before my eyes. It all started with a phone call.

Ace

“No more Giovanni. You can do your own damn dirty work. I quit.” I laid my gun on the Don’s desk and turned to leave, but was stopped by the click of a hammer being pulled into position.

“I can’t let you do that, David. You know far too much.” I turned to see him pointing my own gun at my forehead. “Goodbye, David. It was a pleasure.” Ring! Ring!

I was ripped from sleep by my phone ringing. I rose groggily and located it. “Hello?”

“David?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s over. I found someone else. I found I’m a lesbian. Goodbye.” Click.

Her words rang in my head. Just like every other woman I had ever dated, left me for a woman. That was the last straw. I dug the old dummy out of my closet. I had had a friend make it, an exact replica of myself, for just such an occasion. I dug out the rope as well, and tied a noose. I had done this so many times before, but never followed through. Now, Will had dropped off the face of the known Earth, and he was my last tie to this forsaken rock. I stood the dummy on a chair, and balanced it as I tied the stout rope off on a rafter. I knocked the chair over, making it look as if the dummy had done it. I got dressed and left the house, leaving the keys on the counter, and taking one last glance at the dummy. So lifelike.

I headed down to the wash where we had spent most of our teen years, doing every teen activity in the book save sex. I wandered the deep channel, wondering which hole Will was in. Then I remembered our old cubbyhole. I had named it ‘The Den’ since it honestly looked like a coyote den. When I got there, I found signs of him, but not him. I decided to check out the labeled tunnels I had seen on the way up here. One was ‘Desolation’, the other ‘Nyth’. I decided to try Nyth first, since ‘Desolation’ was very foreboding.

When I crawled through the tunnel, I thought I would find some underground club or something, but instead I found a red moonlit plane. I chuckled, realizing he had mislabeled the tunnels. This one was obviously desolate. I quickly left, not wanting to stay where he was not for very long at all.

So, I tried the real Nyth, which had been mislabeled ‘Desolation’. I crawled through and found myself bathed in a bioluminescent glow. I looked down, and saw a crowd of strange creatures hardly five feet at maximum.

“Hello” I said, hoping they spoke my language.

“Hello?” one of them sounded out, struggling through the obviously foreign language.

“You don’t speak English, do you?” I had not expected a reaction much further than confusion, but they all took off in various directions, and I heard windy whispers ring throughout the small village of holes. Eventually, they came back, another villager in tow.

“Hello.” she said, surprisingly fluently. “Who are you, and why are you here?”

“I’m David, and I’m looking for a friend. He looks like me, except he’s thin as a stick.”

“Hmm, I have not heard of your friend. Now, about your name. I do not care for it. I shall call you Shneero. I don’t care if you don’t like it, that’s what I will call you.”

She then turned from me to the others around her, who were asking her what I could only assume were millions of questions. Eventually, she silenced them with a quick few syllables in her tongue.

“Alright, they have some questions for you. But, they have too many for me to bother with being the medium. Therefore, I will teach you our language.”

And so she did. It was like English, except warped to sound like you were just emphasizing your breathing. I picked it up fairly easily, since I had always had a knack for breathing.

“Alright”, I said in their windy tongue “I understand you folks have some questions?”

I was immediately assaulted with a barrage of breathy words. Then, the woman who taught me repeated her silencing syllables, which I now understood as ‘Shut the fuck up’.

“He’s still new to this language, so one at a time!”

One little hand shot up. “Yes?” I asked, their tongue feeling very strange on mine.

“Where did you come from?”

“I came from Earth.”

“What’s that like?”

“It’s very diverse. Where I live, it’s so hot, sometimes I think we have three suns.”

This sent a collective murmur rippling through the midget crowd. I continued answering each of their questions, and even got to ask my own. I found that they literally had three suns, and they were all nocturnal. Then, I remembered why I had come here.

“It’s been a pleasure, you guys, but I really must be going. My friend’s waiting.”

I was met by a collective goodbye, and turned back to my world. As I stepped out, I saw a flash of dull gold from further down the wash. I quickly followed it, hoping that was Will’s unkempt mane. It disappeared into a tunnel, whose label I didn’t read, since I wanted to rejoin my friend. Ahead of me, I could’ve sworn I heard hoofbeats, but blamed that on the echo effect in the tunnel. The sound of him drew farther and farther away, and I eventually had to turn on my flashlight.

I eventually came upon two small horses about to start fucking. They were in a very human position, missionary instead of ‘horse style’. The male suddenly embraced me, alarming me with his rock-hard boner.

“David!”

“A talking pony” I thought out loud, letting all the pieces fall into place. Finally, the puzzle made the picture. Equestria. “But, how do you know my name?” I asked the dull gold colt.

“Fill me in, too.” commented a purple pony I placed as Twilight Sparkle.

“Twilight, this is my lifelong friend David. David, it’s me, Will. I kinda left Earth for a better place.”

I was dumbfounded, both that my friend had found Equestria and that he was also now a pony. I recovered from my stupor, and asked him how he became a pony. He then told me his tale, followed by asking me how I came to be here.

“Well, Will, or should I start calling you Kiqo, to avoid everyone else’s confusion?”

“Kiqo would be ideal”

So, I told him my tale, omitting a few details, but keeping it fairly true.

“Sounds like you had a much more pleasurable time with your relations with extra-planar beings than I did” he said huffily.

“So, would it be possible for me to get one of these cool transformation thingies?” I asked, knowing Twilight would be the one to do it. However, she had other plans.

“Why don’t you try this time?” she asked him.

So, after a quick lesson, he began to cast. It shone with power I never thought achievable, then, it hit me. I was crushed into a blob of meat, then reformed into a jet black pony with a dark blonde mane. When I reformed, he passed out.

“He’s good” I mused.

“He was so much faster. Oh well, the student must eventually surpass the master. I’m going to take him back to the library. Come by for breakfast tomorrow.”

She set off for the library, and I went in the other direction. I was immediately stopped by a cyan mare with a rainbow mane.

“Hey, handsome. I’m Rainbow Dash. What’s your name?”

I pondered this for a moment, knowing that Kiqo was allowed a name change, and I should be too. “Grafite. Ace Grafite.”

“Quite an introduction.” She eyed me, and said “You look like a fast one. Race you to that pole.” She gestured with a hoof. I doubted my endurance, but it didn’t seem too far. “Ready, set, and go!”

She took off, and I was close on her tail, which was not such a bad sight. She reached the pole a split second before me.

I huffed, and managed to say: “You’re really fast.”

“So are you. Although you’re lacking in the endurance department. Train with me?”

Relishing a chance to train with my favorite pony, I gave her a definite yes. So, my training began. It was mostly running, but with barely any breaks, it was very exhausting. In the beginning, I had barely been able to trot for more than a minute straight, but now I was able to sprint for about five minutes before passing out. She had me do one more run before lunch, and I decided to really push myself. I took off at top speed and didn’t stop until my legs made me. I wound up tripping over my front legs, but managed to not eat dirt. It was then that I became aware of a little muscular effort happening on my back. I looked back and saw not only a shocked Rainbow but a pair of wings sticking out of my back. I flew back to her, and received not only congratulations on record time, but on growing wings. We headed down to the cafe and had a nice meal accompanied by a lengthy chat and a plan. Our plan was this: get me fast enough to perform a sonic boom. When we finished our meal, we headed out for more training. By the time dinner rolled around, I was doing aerial tricks that had even Rainbow’s jaw on the floor. We had dinner together, even though I felt guilty for spending her bits. When we finished there, we headed out to see if I couldn’t break a few windows.

I flew up until it became hard to breathe, then rocketed towards the ground, feeling the wind whip my mane out behind me. I finally heard the sound barrier break, and then realized I was about to face plant. I quickly deflected, unintentionally making a bicolor check mark. I landed next to Rainbow, who congratulated me heartily.

I felt the time was right, so I brought up the courage to say what I had on my mind.

“I love you, Rainbow.” I gulped after I said that, fearing rejection or possibly homosexuality on her end.

“I am so glad you said that first. I knew I would never get up the guts to say it first.”

“Oh, come on!” I said, having let my daydream interfere with reality. “Wait, what?”

“I love you, Ace” she said with a giggle. “So, spend the night at my place?”

“Sure”

We flew up to a small house floating above Ponyville on a cloud. She suggested I sleep in her bed, but I had to refuse, since in every relationship where I had rushed it had ended a lot faster than normally. She seemed disappointed, so I gave in. We didn’t do anything, but it’s nice to sleep in somepony’s arms nonetheless. When we woke up, we headed over to Twilight’s library, eager to share the news. We knocked, and Spike answered.

“Come on in, you guys. I’ll just whip up some more pancakes. Go ahead and take a seat in the dining room.”

We did, and decided to chat while we waited for everyone else to awake. We didn’t have to wait long, though. As soon as Spike brought out our pancakes, Kiqo levitated out of the spare bedroom, led by his nose. He stopped when he saw us, and sat with us.

“I see you two hit it off fairly well” he said, always being captain obvious. “What happened after I passed out?”

Rainbow proceeded to tell our story, and I blushed when she told him about how I confessed to her, hoping he wouldn’t be angry at me for bouncing into another’s arms. Just then, Spike walked in with two more plates of pancakes.

“So, there are two new couples?” Spike asked.

“I guess you heard about us, then?” Kiqo returned.

“Just like every pony in Ponyville” was Spike’s answer.

“I guess I am a bit of a loudmouth” said Twilight, who was coming down from the loft.

“At least it wasn’t one of the other two lovebirds” Kiqo said, fitting so many pancakes in his mouth I thought he would gag. Obviously what he hadn’t told me he did when he got fired was paying off now.

Spike came back with his pancakes, and noticed Kiqo’s empty plate. He was obviously hungry, because I have never seen puppy dog eyes like that before. Kiqo obviously was still a nice guy, and told Spike he was full. I didn’t believe him for a second, since I knew he still had two hollow legs and a metabolism faster than Rainbow and I combined. We said our goodbyes when we finished, and thought about what to do next. We settled on some more training, pushing ourselves to our very limit. We trained until lunch, lunched, and then began a race.

We plotted the course, let it snake through Ponyville, the Whitetail Woods, over the Everfree Forest, and end in Cloudsdale. We zoomed down our course, staying neck and neck most of the way. We took off for Cloudsdale, and I was forced to remember that I couldn’t breathe so high up. I fainted, and could only think of how wonderful it was to know Rainbow Dash. However, when I woke up, I was not dead, but in heaven. Rainbow had caught me, and I felt I owed her.

“My hero. I think I owe you for saving my life.”

“What are you going to do for me?”

“It will be easier to show you” I said, silencing any further questions with my lips.

I then moved down her body, stopping at her nipples for a little bit of tweaking. I kept going, and reached her pussy. I briefly wondered if anypony had ever tried oral before, but decided if they had, I would follow, and if they hadn’t, I would start a trend. With that thought gone, I plumbed her scarlet depths with my tongue, granting her an orgasm in no time at all. I paused for breath, then prepared for another dive into her inviting warmth. However, she stopped me, pushed me over onto my back, and mounted me.

“You’d pleasure me to pleasure yourself?” I asked her, still thinking I owed her for my life.

“That orgasm was amazing. I owe you now.”

“Well, I can’t let you do all the work.”

“I’m alright with that.”

I rolled her over and entered her marehood. I stopped at what I had dreaded, and looked at her for the okay. She gave me that and I pushed on, hoping her tears of pain would be turned to tears of pleasure. As I rolled in and out, my hopes were realized. She began to moan in absolute bliss, and I went faster and faster, until our pleasure peaked and I released deep inside her.

“Wow, my first time. Better than all the pornos the Cloudsdale adult bookstore could ever offer” she said, still occasionally twitching from her orgasm.

“Well, don’t worry, you won’t need those anymore” I assured her, knowing I would be happy to do that again.”

“Spend the night at my place, stud?”

“Sure.”

So, I spent the second night in my dream pony’s arms. I woke in the morning to find her already awake, up and about. She told me we were going to head over to Twilight’s to share the news, and I consented. We headed down, and Spike answered the door. The same as last time, we got there before everyone else was awake. We sat in the kitchen, chatting until everyone else woke up. It didn’t take long for Kiqo to come down for breakfast. He met us in the kitchen, and obviously wanted conversation.

“Do you always come over to Twilight’s for breakfast?” he asked Rainbow.

“Only when I have news”

“So, what’s the news this time?”

“Food now, story later” I cut in, hoping to postpone her story for at least a little while.

This made everyone laugh, even Spike. Black smoke began to wisp from what he was cooking, and he banished us to focus on what he was doing. We left him alone, and sat in the dining room to wait. We didn’t have to wait long, since Spike soon came out with two stacks of waffles.

I glanced with confusion at Kiqo, then asked with him: “Waffles? But how?”

“A waffle iron, how else?” Spike answered.

Kiqo and I then laughed at our own stupidity. Spike came in with two more plates, then went back for his.

“Sleep well?” Kiqo asked Twilight, who had just come down.

“Physically, yes, but I am so mentally taxed from all that happened last night I can hardly think straight” Twilight said, flopping down at the small table.

“I feel fine” Kiqo replied.

“That’s ‘cause you never thought straight in the first place.”

He chuckled at this, and I glanced at him worriedly.

“So, what did you guys do last night?” Rainbow asked, and I knew she expected an ‘egghead’ response.

“We had sex” said Kiqo.

“It was magical”

“In more ways than one” said Kiqo with another chuckle.

“What made it magical?” I couldn’t help but ask. “And why are you mentally taxed?” I added.

“We removed our souls from our bodies, and apparently, the soul is the mind, so when the soul gets worn out, so does the mind. But, like I said, I feel fine.” Kiqo replied.

“Maybe you’re just a mindless drone” Twilight suggested.

“Could a mindless drone come up with all those-” before he could finish that thought, Twilight put a hoof over his mouth to silence him.

“They probably don’t want to know all that we did last night” she said, removing her hoof.

“I do” I said, honestly wanting to know.

But, before he could begin, Spike walked in with his waffles. I hardly had time to savor one delicious waffle before Kiqo had wolfed his.

“Did you even taste it on the way down?” Twilight asked, taking the question right off my lips.

“Tasted it like-” she muted him with a hoof before he could say something possibly sexual.

“There are others still eating” she said, and left a grumpy, hoofed, and digesting Kiqo there until the end of the meal.

“Overreact, much?” he asked when he was able. “All I was going to say was ‘Tasted it like I always do’. Geez.” Twilight then took on the appearance of a tomato. “Although, it did taste a lot like-” She hoofed him, and I was glad. He could get pretty vulgar at times. However, she soon removed her hoof. “-with a slathering of whipped cream-” she swiftly silenced him again, grinning embarrassedly. She seemed confident that he was finished, and removed her hoof again.

“Your hoof tastes nice” he said, grinning in the same stupid way that he always had when I was angry at him. Apparently, it holds its charm across worlds, since Twilight forgot her nigh tangible anger and laughed with him.

“You two done horsing around?” Rainbow asked, noticeably eager to tell her story.

“We finished that last night” Kiqo said, bringing the return of Twilight’s anger.

“Well, we finished first” I bragged.

“Is that an achievement? I thought you always shot for longevity.” Kiqo replied.

“Well, we, uh, you know...” I decided to give up the defense attempt before I dug myself a deeper hole.

“Alright, alright, tell your story. And do it fast, I think Twilight’s trying to burn a hole in me with her eyes.”

Twilight snickered, Kiqo gulped, and Rainbow plunged headfirst into her first time tale.

“I may never clop again” she finished, suddenly blushing.

“Don’t worry, you’ll never have to clop again” I said, trying to be seductive.

“Now, why aren’t you silencing them?” Kiqo asked Twilight.

“That’s one of their jobs”

“That was one sexy story” said Pinkie Pie, who we hadn’t noticed before.

“Normally, I’d ask, but I’ve seen stranger” said Twilight.

“I should throw a party! An ‘I lost my virginity’ party. But, it shouldn’t be my usual cakes and balloons and confetti. Something more... adult. Hmm...” she continued to ponder like this until she took off in a flash of pink, obviously having an idea.

“I guess I should tell everyone else” said Twilight, preparing to depart.

“I have the perfect drink for this party” squealed Rainbow.

“Don’t you always?” asked Spike.

“Lay off her” I defended. “What are you going to bring?”

“Rum and Spike, of course.”

“What’s Spike?” Kiqo and I asked.

“It’s like straight caffeine, only in soda form.”

I put  everything together, and realized what it was. “Mountain Dew!”

“You guys have it where you come from, too?”

“Fuck yeah! Rum and Mountain Dew are my life blood. I drink that shit like it’s water.” We then shared a ‘Fuck yeah’ and a brohoof, and took off.

“Alright, I’m gonna mix up the drink. What are you gonna bring?”

“I’m gonna go back to my world and bring back a friend.”

“Ooh hoo hoo, sounds exotic.”

“It’s nothing special, but it’s symbolic.”

So, we parted ways, her to her house, me to my dad’s. I hated him, but he had my Jager. I had gotten that Jager for my eighteenth birthday. I was still mad at my dad for giving me that, then kicking me out and keeping it. But, he wouldn’t recognize me now, so I had the chance. I walked back through the tunnel. I then located by dad’s house. It wasn’t very hard. We had once moved to Marana, but he had moved back into our old house when he had kicked me out.

I walked out of the wash, and right up to his door. I was tempted to knock, but decided to buck it down instead. He was sitting there, watching TV, but turned around when I kicked his door in.

“What the fuck?”

“I came for my Jager!”

“You can fucking talk? And what Jager?”

“I can fucking talk, and I’m talking about your son’s Jager!”

“That Jager is the only link I still have to my son. I may have kicked him out, but that’s only because I love him.” He was drunk.

“Just give me the Jager and you don’t get hurt.”

“Alright, you genetic freak show. Catch.”

I barely caught it, but as soon as I stepped out the door, I heard his drunken run come after me. I took off, trying to get back to Equestria as soon as possible. I, of course, lost him quickly, since I had always been faster than him. But, what he said as I left him behind almost made me want to turn around.

“I love you, son!”

That hurt me so much, but I flew on. I got back to Ponyville, and saw everyone was getting to the party. I hurried along, not wanting to be too late. I got there after everypony, but I hoped I wasn’t too late.

“What took you so long?” Kiqo asked me.

“I had to get my bottle back from my dad. When he kicked me out, he made me leave it behind. Bastard” it hurt me to say that last thing, but everyone has their lies.

“Let the party begin!” yelled Pinkie, ever excited. The party was fantastic, and grew bigger as time grew on. Every pony that trailed in brought something else, and we wound up with every drink on the list.

Eventually, Kiqo needed to barf, and I decided to keep him company.

“Couldn’t ya juss get cherself anuther bottle?” he asked me.

I looked at him, to my bottle, and back to him, trying to get my inebriated mind to work through what he said. “Du you know how long I’ve had thish bottle?”

“That’sh muh point”

“You callin’ her old?”

“Old enuf” he said, reaching for the bottle.

“Dude, naw”

“C’mon”

For some reason, my brain decided that it was going to function in another language. “Hah nya nye!”

He responded in turn, only in his language. “Kah neh!”

“Hah teh nya”

This continued for some time, sometimes one of us getting the upper hand, causing the other to back away. This led us out into a field, where the real magic happened.

“Kah nye nah!” Kiqo said, and a piece of earth rose up and flung itself at me.

“Yeh neh ye” I said, causing a small tornado to assault him.

Our argument turned into an elemental brawl, with dust choking us when we didn’t get hit. At one point, he ripped up a chunk of earth, ready to kill me, but I destroyed it with a ball of wind. Our respective elements clashed over and over, causing massive destruction to the field we stood in. I got one lucky blow on him, but he spoke something I may never forget.

“Kah men ku” he said, and I was crushed between two folds of earth.

I was quickly evicted from my body, and saw a circle of ponies gathering around my body. My death knocked the alcohol out of my system, and I realized something. My Jager bottle. I had dropped it in the fight. I went to where I had dropped it, and found nothing more than a pile of glass. The last symbol of my father’s love, gone. I was heartbroken. I tried to pick up the pieces, but found my hooves just passed through them. Suddenly, I felt a hoof on back. I turned to see Kiqo, in spirit.

“Why would you do this to me? And her...” I gestured at the broken pieces.

“I wish I could tell you I could bring her back, but I can bring you back.”

“I don’t want to return to the world of the living if it means I have to abandon her.”

“What about her?” he asked, pointing a hoof at Rainbow.

It was then I remembered the passion that went into our intimate times. I raced back into my body, which Kiqo had fixed up. I looked into Rainbow’s eyes and saw her joy unbridled. She took me by the neck, and showed me a world of pleasure I had never known. We came again and again, driving the other ponies into a sex crave. We continued for three days, ignoring the pains of friction burn and sexual soreness. We celebrated our life in the ritual of making new life. We eventually passed out, and we woke up on the fourth day without genitals. We screamed in horror, and immediately found the two we knew were responsible. They had woken to our screams and we stared them down.

“What the fucking fuck is wrong with you?” we asked them.

“We should ask you. I mean, three days. It was for your own good. And maybe you’ll find that love is better for more than sex.”

“Okay, maybe we did go over the top, but this is reversible, right?”

“Yeah, but you might be a virgin afterwards.”

“Great, just great.”

We went downstairs to see about breakfast.

“I’m not gonna be makin anyfin thish mornin” Spike said, belching a plume of green flame.

“Oh, you’re making something, darling. You’re making this lady happy.”

So, we left, leaving them to sex. We went out for breakfast, but wound up getting teleported to Canterlot instead. We had a healthy meal and a hearty chat. We drifted from topic to topic, covering almost every one on the board. We landed on cutie marks, so Rainbow and Twilight told their tales, even though we had seen them before. They then asked me about my mark.

“It’s a pretty strange cutie mark, a pencil drawing a spade symbol” Twilight said, and Rainbow and Kiqo nodded in consent. “What does it mean?”

“Ever since I was a wee babby, I’ve seen the spade symbol as a symbol of stealth, and since I’m fairly sneaky, I earned the spade. The pencil signifies I’m an artist. What about yours, Kiqo?”

“I don’t have one.”

We stared at him like he was crazy.

“You don’t have a cutie mark?”

“Nope, and may I never have one. I’m too accustomed to change to be pinned down onto one specific skill.” he said.

“What do you mean, too accustomed to change?”

“I can’t stand regularity. It drives me insane. When I was in school, I would cause fights between people just to break the monotony. So, I just hope I never have a cutie mark.” Twilight realized how awesome it would be to not have a cutie mark, and slumped in her chair. Suddenly, she pointed at something beneath the table on their side.

“Hah, that’ll show you! Everypony has a cutie mark!”

He stood up to inspect it, and revealed his mark to us. It was an hourglass with arcs around the edges.

“Cool” he said.

“All you’ve got to say is ‘cool’? That is so much more than cool. It’s spectacular, radical, awesome, uh... Dang it, there aren’t enough words in the dictionary to describe that mark.”

“I’ve got a few. You’ve got majestic, magnificent, wicked, mind blowing, impressive, tubular, terrific, fantastic, super, stupendous, phenomenal, wondrous, extra-” before he could prove his thesaurus like knowledge, Twilight shut him up with a hoof.

“Are you a living dictionary?” Rainbow asked, coming over her shock before me.

“I read a dictionary, and tried to commit it to memory, so pretty close.”

“You read a dictionary?” we asked in unison.

“I was bored, and I had nothing else to do.”

“No books?”

“No exercise?”

“No internet?”

“I had read every book on my shelf, and it was storming outside, which meant the power was out and I couldn’t go outside, so...”

“You could have exercised inside”

“Woop dee doo, I could run in circles. Sounds like a blast”

“You could’ve sat in a corner and just let your mind run free” I suggested.

“If you mean that literally, I didn’t have any magic then, and if you mean that figuratively, who says I didn’t?”

“You say you didn’t”

“No, all I said was I read a dictionary. The storm lasted for a good few days, so I had a lot of time on my hooves”

“I am so glad I wasn’t in town for that one, I probably would have been driven insane.”

“Yeah, I still wonder how many marbles that storm took.”

“So, you’re saying you’re not all there?” Twilight asked.

“I never was. From the age of around three, when I almost died from alcohol poisoning, I was never totally sane. But, sanity is for the weak.”

“You can’t be insane, you just admitted it.” I said, pointing out the omnipresent thought on insanity.

“No, that’s just a stereotype. I was actually diagnosed, but didn’t let that have an impact. I hear voices, but I’ve learned to tune them out. Insanity can be awfully fun if you let yourself sink far enough in, but if you learn to keep afloat, you can keep up a facade of sanity.”

“So, you’re definitely insane?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, yes. Without a doubt. I just put on a mask, and tell most everyone I’m fine.”

“You’re slipping into egghead talk again” Rainbow pointed out.

“Oh, sorry. It’s hard to manage such an assortment of fake faces”

“Wait, you’re insane and all fake?” Twilight asked, worried.

“Not all fake, just hidden. But, don’t worry, my love for you is one hundred percent, grade A, all natural, from the soul.”

“So, what don’t we know about you?”

“It’s easier to list what you actually know. Ace here knows a lot about me, but even he has been fooled by some of my fake faces.”

“Wait, so you haven’t always been honest with me? What have you lied about?”

“Remember when I said your sister was pretty?”

“Remember when I said yours was pretty?”

“But I don’t have a sister”

“Exactly”

“How long have you two known each other?” Twilight asked, observing our banter with amusement.

“Forever” I responded.

“Not quite, but it feels like that. It was long ago, in the days of yore. I can’t remember when we met exactly, though”

“The specifics don’t matter, all that matters is that we grew close as brothers”

“I think we’ve grown closer”

“You guys are starting to creep me out” Rainbow said, attempting to scoot away from what could have easily been seen as gay sex waiting to happen.

I noticed my arm around his neck, and attempted to defend my position, even through my embarrassment. “I’m not like that, Rainbow. I mean, he’s a cool guy, but... Wait, I don’t have any genitals. And, if I don’t have any genitals, I don’t have a gender. If I don’t have a gender I can’t be gay!”

I frolicked through town, announcing my revelation. Rainbow chased after me, and eventually took me down on some grass outside town.

“We have to get our genders back” she said.

“Let’s go, then”

We arrived at the library to see the two unicorns responsible for our genderlessness dragging Spike and Rarity outside. They invited us in and told us their plan.

“So, you two are without genitals due to us” Twilight said.

“But, we’re having a lot of fun at your expense” Kiqo followed.

“So, we’ve got a proposition”

“Either we give you genitals now, but they may not be yours”

“Or, you spend a month genderless and you get your genitals then”

“What is your choice?” they asked.

We looked at each other, and decided upon a hushed conversation.

“If we take this deal, we’ll wind up with wrong genders”

“This could be a new experience”

“They could also fuck with us and do something like the same gender”

“Do you want to be sexless or gay?”

“Well, sexless will be awfully boring. Not like you are boring, but I think sex with you is great.”

“Heh, alright”

“We’ll take the first option” said Rainbow, speaking for both of us.

Twilight and Kiqo looked at each other, and their horns flared. We felt a change, but it left them exhausted.

“Yahoo!” I yelled, shocked that it was feminine, and clapped my hooves over my mouth.

“That was part of the deal” she said, then mimicked my actions when she heard her normal feminine voice.

That was when we checked, and found a pair of lower lips.

“What’s the big idea?” I asked, sounding like I was eight.

“We said they may not be yours”

“We never said your genders would be switched”

We shared a defeated glance, and left.

“So, how are our lives gonna be different?” Rainbow asked me.

“Well, there’s going to be a lot more scissors in our sex life.”

“Scissors?”

“It’s where we cross our legs and rub our, uhm, you know, together.”

“Do you have a problem with saying vagina?”

“Yes”

“Say it”

“No”

“Say it”

“Fine. It”

“Say vagina!”

“I don’t want to”

“Just say vagina!”

“No”

“Vagina! Just say it”

“Why?”

“Because, if you don’t say it, you’ll have a problem your entire life”

“I won’t have a problem”

“Yes you will”

“Look, it hardly comes up and there are so many alternative words”

“But, if you need to do, say, a medical demonstration on the mare anatomy, you will sound immature saying pussy or warm folds”

“Erg, fine. Vagina.”

“See, was that so hard?”

“No. Well, kinda”

“You’ll get used to it”

Suddenly, we fell. it wasn’t a long fall, but as soon as we were in, a lid went over the hole. It was suffocating. That’s the only word to fit the situation. Two ponies shoved in a space barely big enough for one pony. Then, the roof starting coming down on us. I saw my life flash before my eyes. It all started with a phone call. I finished my flashback to Rainbow Dash shaking me.

“We’re going to die!”

“No. No, we’re not. Ah meh nah!”

I shouted wind at the roof, and it flew off. We crawled out to see a pony fleeing into the Everfree Forest.