The Nine

We were awoken when the library door banged open. Rainbow and Ace ran in, shouting. We couldn’t separate their voices, they were so intertwined.

“You’ve got to help us. We fell down a hole, and then a lid was put on it, and when we got out, we saw a pony galloping into the Everfree! Help!”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. Their voices were just so singular, it was a little disturbing.

“What are you laughing at?” they asked. “This is serious business!”

“It doesn’t even sound like I’m talking to two ponies!” I said, finally letting my laughter out of its cage.

“Forgive him” requested Twilight. “He’s probably thinking up a solution right now”

On queue, I popped up and said “Take us to where you fell”

The two took off, with us in hot pursuit. We came to the pit, and I saw the hoofprints of somepony headed off into the Everfree.

“This way!” I called, and took off in pursuit of my friends’ assailant.

“How can you follow this pony?” Twilight asked, panting.

“I lived in the wild for longer than I’d have liked, and as a human, you need meat. To get meat, you gotta catch meat.”

She seemed shocked by this, but pressed on. Eventually, we came to a cave deep in the Everfree.

“Hold up” I said. “I don’t like the look of this”

I stepped into the cave, and found my premonition proved true. I saw a slim tripwire, almost invisible in the dim light. I followed it to the wall, up it, and found it connected to a net connected above our heads. I stepped over the line and cut it with a quick hoofstep. The net came down, hoping to catch us, but found only thin air. Hearing the net thunk, two unicorns emerged from the shadows.

“You’re good” one of them said.

“Too good” the other said.

They cast a spell, and all four of us were thrown into a deep sleep.We awoke to water in the face, and a harsh female greeting.

“Good, you’re awake. I was getting ready to feed you to the rabid”

“Deja vu” I muttered under my breath.

“You two pegasi were supposed to die, and yet here you sit, unphased. How?”

That was when Ace and I remembered our voices. We decided to display them. I locked up the followers in solid rock, and Ace floated the leader’s limbs out to her sides, letting her levitate there spread eagle. These powers were much easier to control when sober.

“I see” she said. “You two possess power greater than anyone else. We could use you on our side.”

I could see the others considering death over this fate, but I had a plan. However, this plan involved some backstabbing, and I couldn’t say it out loud. I pushed my mind on the other ponies, letting them feel it was me, and then spoke to them in their minds.

“We should take this deal” I started.

“Why?” Rainbow asked.

“Look, if we don’t, they’ll kill us. We know where they live, and they can’t have that. If  we do, we’ll be assimilated. From there, we can climb in rank until we are told their plan.”

“Their plan is probably on a need to know basis” Ace pointed out.

“Exactly. We each have our own skills, so we get told the part that corresponds to our talent, and we tell the others. From there, we piece their plan together.”

“That won’t be entirely accurate” Twilight said.

“Well, we can either die or become part of a terrorist cell and maybe actually take them down. Those are your options, I will let you choose.”

“I don’t like dying” Ace said.

“I don’t want to pass up a chance to be hero again, so...” Rainbow let herself trail off.

“I’m just curious as to what their plan is” said Twilight.

“I’ll go” I said, aloud. Then, in our minds “Don’t let them know we were talking”

“Me too” said Ace, who was then followed in suit by Twilight and Rainbow.

“Good, good. I think you’ll enjoy it here. But first, we must make sure you’ll never betray us.” said the mare.

As the acolyte unicorns’ horns flared, all I could think was ‘Fuck, we’re boned’. I awoke, several hours later, to find myself in a chamber. The last thing I could remember was the unicorns saying we would never betray the mistress. But, I still had free will. With free will, I could do whatever I wanted. I had to find the others, see if it worked on them. I rose, and found my legs weak. Had it been only hours? I banished that thought and took off through the chambers. It was fairly straightforward. The chamber I was in connected into a central network. Of course, there were a million and one entrances, so I had no idea. Then, it hit me. I threw my spirit from my body and searched every chamber. I eventually found them, hypnotized by the mistress. I cast the memory spell on them, and broke the mistress’ spell, but swiftly told them to act brainwashed. They made their ways out of their rooms, and we were shortly joined by two pegasi.

“Come” they said.

We obliged them, and soon found ourselves in what could be described as a mess hall. I was suddenly glad Rarity wasn’t here; it was more mess than hall. We got our food, sat down at the deserted end of one table, and dug in.

“You the new recruits?” asked a pony seated down the table. He proceeded to scoot down to us, presumably to make some friends.

“Yeah” I said, paying more attention to my rations. ‘Hard biscuits and hay mash. Euch’ I thought to myself. What I wouldn’t give for Spike to be in the kitchen.

“So, how did you come to get abdu- I mean, assimilated?” he asked.

“We, uh... Wait, did you almost say abducted?” Ace asked.

“Yes, I did” he said, his voice barely breaking a decibel. “Don’t tell anyone, but her spell didn’t work on me. I’m fairly sure it worked on everyone else, since they eat this shit like it’s going out of style”

“I wouldn’t mind if it went out of style” Twilight muttered, poking at the slop.

“Good, then. You have your free will?” he asked.

“Yeah. But, this kid’s the one behind it.” Rainbow said.

“Kid? I can drink you under the table!” I retorted.

“Dude, you’ve been able to do that to anyone but me since I first drank with you.” Ace pointed out.

“Wow, sounds like you guys are close. What’s your names?”

We all told our names, and he responded in turn, saying his name was Vincent.

“So, Vincent, how long have you been free?” Rainbow asked.

“Please, call me V. And, I’ve been free since I first got here.”

“So, what do you think set you apart from the rest?” I asked, desperate to find the link.

“I’m mildly psychotic.”

“Diagnosed, or suspected?”

“Diagnosed”

“Hah, and you three told me that insanity was a bad thing. If I weren’t insane, we’d all still be sheep.”

“So, you’re crazy, too?” V asked.

“I am, but they can’t pinpoint it on one certain disorder. They just looked at my test results and gave me the list of possibilities. I remember seeing bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and multiple personality disorder, but the rest are a haze.”

“You sound like you should be in the looney bin.”

“Probably should. But, my fake faces are too much fun to keep up.”

“I know exactly what you mean. Floating in a sea of insanity, barely keeping afloat. When do you indulge yourself in the pleasures of a lost mind?”

“Only when absolutely necessary”

“Like when?” asked Twilight, who had not said anything in either our conversation or Ace and Rainbow’s.

“If’n I need to defend someone I love.”

“I hope I never have to see that side of you”

Suddenly, a voice rang through the chambers. I recognized it as the mistress’. “The four new recruits are to come to my chamber at once.”

“Gotta go” I said, pouring the last of my ‘nutrition’ down my throat. I grimaced, but trotted for the royal chamber. All the way, I was silently praying my nausea would subside.

We soon arrived at the throne, and quickly prostrated ourselves before her.

“Good, the spell worked. Two of you know elemental languages, earth and wind. The other two know no elements. I task you two to go out and discover the two missing languages, water and fire.”

Suddenly, my nausea peaked, and I created a small green puddle on the floor in front of me. “A thousand pardons, mistress. My stomach has not yet adjusted to eating so often.”

“So often? The last time you ate was yesterday at least.”

So it had been more than a few hours. “I know, mistress, but I usually eat once a week.”

“Well, your nausea is no excuse for schedule breaking. Get over it. Now,” she said, turning to Twilight and Rainbow. “you two will be accompanied by one of these two,” she waved at Ace and I “find where they learned their power, and learn yours. You get the choice between fire and water.”

“I want fire” said Rainbow, and I knew it was her short temper that drove her here.

“Water is much more practical, and not so destructive” said Twilight.

“Practical, shmactical. What good is water if it can’t hurt anyone?”

“Ever had boiling water thrown on your face?”

“No, and you’re not going to, because you’d need fire for that”

“Technically, all she needs is heat, and fire is not the only source of heat. I’m sure you’re familiar with friction burn?” I butted in, turning both Ace and Rainbow scarlet.

“Arg, who asked you?” she retorted.

“This will be fun” the mistress said, observing our argument with amusement. “The purple one will go with the black one, and the cyan one will go with the brass one. Depart.”

We left, grumbling, but as soon as we left the cave, Twilight said: “That went well.”

“Okay, I missed something. What happened?” I asked.

“Rainbow and I wanted to create fake tension between us, just so she’d think we weren’t a unit, and weren’t planning anything”

“Genius” Ace said, dumbfounded.

“But, you’ll have to practice on your faces” I pointed out.

“Maybe you can teach us” Rainbow said.

“Honestly, it’s simple. Remember your lies, and inhabit them. You’ll get better with practice.”

“That is simple. I’ll have to write that down” Twilight said.

“What, do you carry pen and paper with you everywhere?” Rainbow asked.

“I would” I muttered.

“You what?” Rainbow asked, momentarily forgetting her argument with Twilight.

“Yes, alright. I would. I love being prepared, and if my old satchel would sit right on an equine figure, I would carry it.”

“Dude, you still have that old thing?” Ace asked, knowing I had had that sack since I was twelve.

“Don’t talk to me about old things, mister ‘I’m going to brave the fires of my father’s fury just to bring back the last symbol of his love’.”

“I... Wait, how did you know about that last thing?” he asked, more than a little skittish.

“You think too loud. I can’t help it.”

“Think too loud? Oh come on, those are my thoughts, get your own!”

“He doesn’t have any” said Twilight and Rainbow in strange unison.

“Jynx!” they said in unison again.

I could’ve sworn I heard a very faint ‘Yes?’ but dismissed that as one of the plethora of voices piercing through my internal sound barrier. We walked along, messing with each other like a band of teenagers. We finally got to Fluttershy’s cottage. She was just coming down the path, and greeted us in an unfamiliar joviality.

“Hey guys! What are you up to?”

“We’re going on a mission from a-” Now was my turn to hoof her.

“No one’s supposed to know, remember?”

“Oh, right. Also, I think you stepped in something.”

“I am so sorry.”

“It’s alright, it tasted nice.”

“You two done?” Rainbow asked, and I realized she and Ace had been chatting with Fluttershy.

“Alright, onward. To glory!” I announced.

“How do you stand him?” Twilight and Rainbow asked in reminiscent harmony.

“I don’t even know sometimes” Ace replied, shaking his head.

“Are you guys coming?” I called from the tunnel entrance.

“Right. Onwards” Ace said.

“Oh gosh, not you too!” Rainbow replied, shocked.

“Oh no! I’ve contracted it!” he pretended to be shocked, but broke out in a laugh he shared with the others.

I gave them a disgusted look and called “I’m leaving!”

They quickly caught up with me and apologized. I then proceeded to tell them I had no idea where we were going.

“What do you mean?”

“What, do you think I have an interplanar map sitting back at camp?”

As I said that, I felt my hoof touch something like paper. I picked up the scroll, which unrolled and revealed an interplanar map. At the bottom sat a signature. Starswirl.

“Stay dead, you old dog!” I shouted at the tunnel roof. I heard a chuckle from the distance, which was reinforced by three others.

“Well, there’s your map” Rainbow said. “I guess you didn’t have it back at camp.”

This earned another laugh from the assembly, and I decided to forge on without them. I even went so far as to douse my light and follow my hooves. This earned many confused mutterings from behind me, and I smiled in satisfaction, even if there was no one to see it.

“Hello again” said a slow voice.

“Oh dear lord!” I yelled, banging my head on the ceiling.

“Did I scare you?” the old voice asked.

“Yes, yes you did. How did you even get in here?”

“My roots.”

“That’s actually pretty cool. Sounds like being a treant is a lot of fun.”

“It is. By the way, where are you going?”

“Places, to do things.”

“Heh. I suppose it’s a secret?”

“Yep.”

“Who are you talking to?” Rainbow asked, having caught up to me.

“Me” said Mordekai.

“Who’s there?” Ace asked.

“It’s just a talking tree” Twilight said.

“Just a talking tree?” I asked. “How about lifetime friend of Starswirl and the guardian of his tomb. Not to mention he has the coolest name in the history of names.”

“Cooler than Starswirl?” Mordekai asked.

“The name holds resonance” Twilight said.

“But it’s hard to compete with Mordekai” I finished.

“Well, I won’t make you stay in this tunnel any longer. Off with you” he said.

There was a grating sound, and I knew he had withdrawn his roots.

“Well, let’s go” I said.

We set off again, and eventually found ourselves at the exit.

“Should we heed the mistress’ instructions, or pair off?”

“Does the map say which languages we’ll find where?” Twilight asked.

I looked again, and saw words appear at certain worlds.

“I think we have a fifth member” I said.

Starswirl then revealed himself.

“Alright, you got me. I just can’t help myself. You all are just so much fun” he said.

“Ghost!” Rainbow screamed, backing away from the dead colt.

“Boo!” he said.

She screamed in terror, and wound up fainting.

“Too good, Starswirl. But, I have to ask. How did you know where the different languages were?”

“I came here before. Around the two thousand tenth Earth year. October, to be precise. I tried my best to be stealthy, but I think someone saw me. Oh well, what’s the worst that happened because of that?”

“Interesting” I said, letting it sink in that I was not only standing with the most powerful caster in many worlds, but also with the pony that had inspired M.L.P., F.i.M. “Well, we should get moving. Ace and Rainbow, you two might as well pair off, and I think we unicorns will go find the language of water.”

“All right” said Rainbow, who had recovered.

“But, how are we to know where to look?” Ace asked, helping Rainbow up.

“Take the map, Starswirl’ll show us the way” I said, handing them the map. “Right?” I asked Starswirl, who was obviously contemplating making Rainbow faint again.

“Right, right, I remember the way.”

We separated, and we went a ways until we found the right tunnel. We went through, and found ourselves surrounded by millions of dodecapedal beings.

“Too many legs” I said, taken aback by the spider like beings.

“Starswirl, you returned” said one of the spider things.

“Yes, I have, and I have come so Twilight, the purple one, may learn your language.”

“Well, first she must have a name that fits the language. Yours worked so well, Starswirl. Oh well. Twilight, your name will be Lulu, which is twilight in our tongue. Pure and simple. Now, on to your lessons.”

She led Twilight away, and taught her in the liquid tongue.

“So, why couldn’t you use your water powers?” I asked Starswirl.

“I don’t know, but I think it may have something to do with the names they give you.”

“Would make sense” I mused.

“By the way, how did you enter the wing in Canterlot? I put up a spell to prevent unauthorized access, and I don’t think they would authorize you.”

“I picked the lock.”

“But how? I put a spell on that lock that would disintegrate any lockpick.”

“I used a liquid pick.”

“Creative.”

“Improv is one of my specialties.”

“What is your specialty, as depicted by your cutie mark?”

“Change, as far as I can tell. I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if I had two. That would definitely be a change from all you one mark ponies.”

“Hmm. Well, change seems like a fun talent.”

“It is what I’m best at. I mean, I started as a run of the mill human, and wound up a pony. Not just a pony, actually, but a sentient unicorn. I think I know a few things about change.”

“Sounds like. What was being a human like?”

“Very different. We ate meat in addition to vegetables, and we have a democracy most places. We don’t have magic, but we have guns.”

“I've heard of those things, but never found out what they really are. Care to enlighten me?”

I went fully into the mechanics of guns, omitting nothing. He listened with intrigue, and seemed to be taking mental notes.

“That is very interesting. What other technologies do you have?”

I proceeded to tell him about internal combustion engines, solar cells, silicon chips, the internet, lasers, and even gave him small details that I had found online about the development of portals.

“So, humans are more technologically advanced, but less magically advanced?”

“Precisely.”

“Sounds like being a human had its perks.”

“More or less. It was fun, but not being allowed to do much besides work got really boring after a while.”

“I can imagine. By the way, how are you earning bits these days?”

“I get a monthly allowance from Twilight.”

“Don’t you feel bad, taking her money like that?”

“She said she gets too much from Celestia, since she gets funded for her research.”

“Research?”

“In friendship” Twilight said, coming up from where the spider woman had taught her.

“Oh, good, you’re back. How’s the language?”

“Lots and lots of l’s”

“Well, looks like you’ll be lucky to have not chosen the language of fire, no l’s at all, basically” said Rainbow.

“How’d you find us?” I asked.

“I followed my friendship sense” said Ace.

“Really?”

“No, just followed you and then caught up with Rainbow. I just memorized your location.”

“Why?”

“For this very reason.”

“Well, we might as well go back” Twilight said.

So, the five of us left for Equestria.

“So, how’s the language of fire?” Twilight asked.

“A lot of phlegm. It’s honestly quite nasty.”

“Yuck.”

Suddenly, there was a rumble behind us.

“What was that?” Ace asked.

That was when I felt a tingle I had only felt once before, at the nuclear power plant I had worked at to pay for college.

“There goes Tucson” I said, feeling the tears. “I think that was a nuke. Even if it wasn’t, that big of a rumble is definitely not a good sign.”

“Ash, mom, my little brother. All gone. All of it.” Ace mourned.

“Life goes on, man.”

“Easy for you to say. Your family banished you, I only faked my death.”

“Exactly. If they don’t know you’re dead by now, they’ve been assured by the blast. Now, you can live the life you always wanted, in the arms of the pony you love.”

“I guess.”

We went the rest of the way in relative silence, leaving everyone to their thoughts. We eventually felt Celestia’s sun beaming down on us, even though it was almost down.

“So, Starswirl” I started. “Mordekai told me that you said death was a necessary end.”

“I said that, yes.”

“So, why are you still wandering about?”

He laughed at that. “I am dead, but my body has been reanimated as a protector, and I am stuck as a spirit, with my capabilities limited.”

“Hmm. So, it’s necessary, but not necessarily an end?”

“Right.”

“That’s interesting” said Twilight, who had been disturbingly quiet this entire time.

“Wow, that’s scary. I had almost forgotten you were here. What in the worlds were you thinking about?”

“You can just move on from losing your homeworld like that. It disturbs me. It makes me think about how fast you’ll move on when I die.”

“I only moved on from that world because I know that nobody even knew where I was. I had been exiled. I bid them good riddance. You, though. You I love. You I would mourn for eternity. You are the one pony I will be glad to share my life, death, and undeath with.”

She smiled at that. “Thanks. That means more than you know.”

Her and I went the rest of the way, just smiling, just enjoying each others’ company. We got back to the cave, and found our way to the mistress’ cavern. We bowed before her, and she spoke.

“I trust you have learned your languages?”

Rainbow spoke, and a small plume of fire rose before her. Twilight spoke next, and doused the fire.

“I am impressed. Now that you have your powers, you are more powerful than anypony here. So, I shall promote you to be my four hooves. You will be my go to ponies, so this is a big responsibility. Do you accept?”

We all nodded, and a pony appeared from the dark carrying a tattoo needle. He gave rainbow a four color flame on her snout, white, blue, orange, and red. He gave Twilight a pond on the forehead, complete with reeds. For Ace, a grey tornado on the left cheek. As for me, a mossy boulder on the right cheek.

“But, that’s not all. You need your branding marks. Everyone else has them, and it must have slipped my mind in your case.”

So, we got the markings of the mistress. They were simple, unicolor, but beautiful all the same. They flowed from the snout all the way down to the base of the tail, curling and twisting all the way.

“Now that you are marked, I will let you rest. You are dismissed.”

We returned to our chambers and rested. As soon as Twilight and I laid down, we left our bodies. We also pulled Rainbow and Ace out.

“How are you two feeling?” I asked them all.

The communal answer was along the lines of weary.

“I never knew a tattoo could hurt so much” Ace said, the only one out of us to even think about getting a tattoo.

“You are basically being stitched” Twilight said, ever logical.

“Don’t say it like that, it give me the creeps” Rainbow said, shivering.

“Well, on a lighter note, I don’t think I’ve been using my powers to their full extent” I said.

“Oh?” asked Twilight, and I could tell she was preparing herself for mental notes.

“Well, when you think about it, lava is molten rock. I control earth. Part of earth is rock. Therefore, I should be able to control lava.”

“Dude, that’s cool” Rainbow said, pondering the possibilities of lava.

“I’ve also been thinking about your powers. I think you may be able to control lightning. If not you, then Ace should, but I’m not sure.”

“Only one way to find out” Ace said, and cleared his throat.

What he spoke next was magnificent. It split the sky in two, and lightning smote the ground at his hooves.

“Holy fucking shit, dude. Coulda warned us.”

“That is probably going to be useful later.”

“I’ve got an idea” I said. “If I bring up a chunk of earth and Rainbow lights it on fire, we could have ourselves a proper fireball.”

“Sounds fun!”

We tested this, and found that it could be done. It left a charred crater in the small field behind the cave.

“I think I may be able to help you there” Twilight said.

“But, you control water. Water gets rid of fire” Rainbow said, always the skeptic.

“Well, Ace can control lightning, so maybe I can control flammable liquids.”

“Worth a shot, I guess.”

She spoke, and pulled crude oil from the depths of Equestria. She then spread it over the field.

“Now try.”

We tried again, and started a small blaze. Then, Ace contributed and fanned the flames. We soon set a small portion of the Everfree on fire. Of course, Twilight ruined our fun, but it was probably for the best.

“So, if we combine our powers we are a lot more powerful. How fun!” Twilight and I exclaimed as one.

We continued to practice our combined powers for a while until I broke the monotony.

“When are we going to rebel?”

“Hopefully sooner than later, I wouldn’t want to be responsible for slaughtering innocents” said Twilight, who was busy dousing one of the blazes we had left.

“Yeah, but we don’t even know her plan” Rainbow pointed out.

“Well, should we risk being responsible for mass murder so we can find out her plan?”

“If we don’t, we may be punished for murder. If we do, we’ll be punished for murder. So, either punishment for murder or punishment for murder.”

“Boy, that makes it sound awfully glum” said Ace, who was fiddling with a small windstorm.

“Well, I think we should lay low until she tells us her plan. If she has us attack a town, we turn on her. Alright?” I asked, hoping they’d say yes.

“Alright, but I don’t really want to have to face the mistress” said Rainbow, letting fire lick up her forelegs.

“I understand that, but it will probably come to that.”

“Well, I suppose we should go back to our bodies” Ace said, noting the sun cresting the horizon.

We went back to our bodies, and were shortly roused to eat breakfast. In the middle of our ‘meal’, the mistress called us in.

“We will lead an attack on Ponyville today” she said. “You will command the armies to attack. Do not fail me.”

“Yes mistress” we said in unison.

When we had left her earshot, we conversed.

“Seems like that came sooner than we could decide.”

“Do you think she heard us?”

“No, she said we would be controlling the armies. If she had heard us, she wouldn’t trust us in the mess hall.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“But still, what are we gonna do? One of the other ponies sees us attacking Ponyville and the royal army of Canterlot comes down on our heads.”

“Well, we could split them into four groups and obliterate them.”

“Still, what if one pony gets word to Canterlot?”

“We’ll have to defend our position. If she doesn’t believe us, let’s just hope she isn’t too hard to kill.”

The other three looked at me like I had completely lost it.

“What? Do you want to die?”

“Well, no, but still. Killing the one Alicorn that stands between us and eternal night? You nuts?”

“Well, if we display our full powers, maybe she’ll back down, believe us even.”

“Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that.”

As we finished our discussion, the voice of the mistress rang out.

“I want an army a hundred strong to form at the cave exit. Move!”

“That’s our queue” I said, and we all rushed to the exit.

We were met by the mistress and the army.

“These four are your acting commanders” she said. “Do as they command, treat them as you would treat me.”

“Yes, mistress” they all said and bowed.

She left, leaving us to prepare the army.

“We don’t want to be particularly dangerous looking, so each of you will wear your coats.” When they didn’t move, I looked at them and asked “What are you waiting for? Go get your coats!”

They took off in a small stampede, and came back shortly dressed in sackcloth.

“Good. Now, we will leave for Ponyville. Mistress willing, we will take them with few casualties on our side and many on theirs.”

The pony army saluted, and began their march. Twilight looked at me skeptically, but I just winked at her. We arrived on the outskirts of Ponyville in no time at all.

“Alright, no more marching. Walk in like you are regular ponies, not soldiers. I want one of you to wait by each building. You are to wait for the signal, which will be a burning pillar of earth from wherever we are. Go.”

They left, and we were left alone.

“Where do we go from here?” Twilight asked, observing the army’s actions with disinterest.

“Well, I was thinking we would have Ace and Rainbow fly over and pick off the ponies.”

“That sounds decent, but wouldn’t some of them begin to suspect us?”

“Hadn’t thought of that. Although, if you do, they are so spread out now that you would only have small skirmishes.”

“Alright, but what will you guys do?” Rainbow asked, flexing her wings.

“Probably the same with our spirits.”

“Alright. Let’s hope this works.”

We set off, and began to kill the cultists. What we hadn’t anticipated was one of them notifying everyone else. We had barely gotten through twenty of them before they rounded on us. We fled, and met back at our bodies. Then one of them spoke.

“You have betrayed the mistress, which means that simply casting the spell on you again will not work. Therefore, you must die.”

They advanced upon us and I tried to think up a reason to save our hides, but Rainbow apparently liked the idea of four against eighty. She flew into them, followed by Ace, and the army was engulfed in flame and lightning. Twilight and I shared the glance that communicated our shared thought: ‘We’re screwed’. Nonetheless, we fought back the horde of brainwashed ponies. In the end, we were all standing in a large puddle of what used to be ponies, looking like we had also bathed in their blood. The ponies of Ponyville had seen the fight, and were gazing, awestruck, at what they had seen.

“We’ve got to get back before one of these guys calls Celestia on us” I whispered to Twilight.

Instead of answering, she took off. The rest of us were close on her heels. When we got to the cave, we slowed down. We walked casually in, only to be stopped by the rest of the cult.

“You betrayed the mistress...”

The speaker was interrupted by a swift kick from Rainbow.

“Save your breath, we’ve heard it before.”

The speaker wiped the blood from his jaw and signalled the charge. I couldn’t help but wonder how we had gone from a peaceful life to fighting off a horde of ponies that could have defeated the legion of the damned. We were eventually left, battered in too many ways to count, standing in another red puddle.

“One got away” I said, out of breath.

“Fuck” said Rainbow, kicking a liver off her hoof.

“We can’t stay here. I know enough about the wilds of Earth to survive at least one day here.”

So, we left the cave for the woods. We made a small camp and gathered a few berries, then settled in for the night, letting our broken bodies to sleep while our souls kept guard. We awoke in the morning, fresh as daisies, and prepared for another assault on the cave. When we got there, however, we were ambushed. Four unicorns used their horns like daggers, simply slid them between our ribs. One of them was clumsy, and I managed to dodge his stab and crush his skull with a hoof. The others saw their ally fall and fled into the cave. I went over to the bodies, and felt tears well in my eyes. They were dead, no doubt.

I felt rage and sorrow course through me like a drug. Then, I felt something stir deep within me. The need for revenge. I picked myself up, and contemplated how I would destroy them. I could easily collapse the cave on them, but that would be too impersonal. No, I needed to feel my hoof break their bones. That’s when I realized my most powerful power. One I had almost forgotten about. My insanity. I walked into the mistress’ chamber, letting the voices coax me into a state of explosive rage. I saw the last of the cult, still well over a thousand strong, and all I could think was how fun it would be to kill every last one of them. The mistress commanded them forward, but they were too scared. So scared I could taste it. I licked my lips, making them only shake more. Finally, one was pushed forward.

“So, it is you who shall die first?” I asked.

“It is not me who will die” he said in a voice that shook like a sapling in a strong breeze.

He attacked me, and I quickly dodged his strike, bringing an elbow down on his back. He coughed, but got back up. He threw a pair of punches, both of which I caught. This left us face to face, me grinning like the true madman I was, his face completely emotionless. I then pushed a little, getting my face right up to his. I took this chance, and tore off his snout with my teeth. He screamed in agony, and fell back.

“Got your nose” I said, spitting his snout onto the cold rock.

This caused everyone else to surge forward, and I fought them off with all I had. I  broke skulls with hooves, rent flesh with teeth, and crushed ponies whole with the language of earth. I eventually took a hoof to the chin, which sent me stumbling. I was caught by another body. I looked up, expecting another cultist, but found myself looking into the face of Gnuk.

“Just because I can’t have you doesn’t mean you have to die.”

With renewed vigor and an ally, I fell into the ponies again, and Gnuk tore through them with spells that would have stunned Starswirl. We beat them back, until only four were left.

“I taught them your languages” the mistress said. “So, feel the wrath of the elements!”

The four we had been replaced by spoke words that, if spoken by us, would have destroyed Gnuk and I. But, since the elements didn’t know their names, their words fell on deaf ears.

“Why doesn’t it work?”

“It’s all in the names” said Twilight, who was accompanied by Ace, Rainbow, and Starswirl.

“You were dead” the mistress said, backing away from them.

“They were” said Mordekai, who emerged from the shadows and grabbed her.

“What are you going to do to me?” the mistress asked, helpless in the massive oaken arms.

“Have you forgotten us?” asked one of the failed replacements.

To be honest, we had. But, we fixed that by turning them into piles of mush. The mistress looked at the piles of pony meat, then back to us. She whimpered, letting us know the extent of her fear. Suddenly, I had an idea.

“Starswirl, how good is your healing magic?”

“Terrible. I am the greatest unicorn to ever walk Equestria and my healing magic is terrible. What do you think?”

“I think that was sarcasm.”

“Holy cow, how did you figure that out?”

“Look, just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t die. Now, I need you to keep the ‘mistress’ alive at all costs, all right?”

“All right.”

“Now then, let’s see how many different ways we can kill her.”

The others took the hint and began to display their smorgasbord of death. Ace pulled the mistress into pieces and electrocuted her, Rainbow found far too many ways to use fire to kill, Twilight boiled her alive, and I dipped her in a vat of lava. All through this, she lived, thanks to Starswirl. But, he couldn’t restore flesh so easily, so she was left as a walking skeleton, defying all science.

“That was too fun” Rainbow said.

“Now, this is insanity. Just a taste can corrupt the mind. Don’t let yourself sink into the dark, deep, delicious depths.”

“Why do you say delicious?” Twilight asked.

“Letting yourself sink into insanity is like letting yourself sink into a pool of pudding that you can breathe. You go deeper and deeper, you enjoy it, but something in the back of your mind says no. For the ones in the looney bin, that little voice is almost mute. For me, that voice is very loud, and pudding can’t deafen it forever.”

“Insanity sounds so tasty!” Pinkie exclaimed.

“You should know” I said to the pink fluff on the ceiling.

“I wouldn’t know anything about that.”

Suddenly her hair fell flat and she put a hoof to her lips.

“I don’t know anything about insanity at all” said the normal, fluffy Pinkie, dropping onto the floor.

“Don’t tell me I was the only one to see that” Ace said, backing into a corner.

“You weren’t” said Rainbow, who was following in Ace’s hoofsteps.

“What’s the matter with you silly ponies?” Pinkie asked.

“Oh, you know, you appear in a secret base and go ever so slightly crazy. Not much, but enough to make us worry.”

“I didn't appear, I walked. Silly filly!" she said with a chuckle.

"You found a secret base and walked onto the ceiling?"

"I didn't choose to go on the ceiling, that's just where I came out."

"Came out?"

"Out of the tunnels."

"Tunnels?"

"Do I have to draw a picture?"

"Please do" said Ace, seeming to recover from his fear.

"Well, I make so many friends for one specific reason. I have access to tunnels that connect them with me. By using these tunnels, I can go basically anywhere!"

"Still doesn't explain how you got on the ceiling" Twilight said skeptically.

"I don't control the tunnels, they just drop me off near you."

"Can anyone else use these tunnels?" Twilight asked. I could almost see her mental quill and parchment ready.

"I dunno."

"How could we find out?"

"Well, I'll go back to Ponyville, you guys look for a tunnel."

"Alright."

Then, she walked into a wall. Most people use this in the way that she walked into a wall and hit her head, but I mean this literally. She walked into, and then through the wall. In her wake was a tunnel.

"Well, here goes nothing." I said, charging into the tunnel.

I appeared in a bucket of apples next to Applejack's stand.

"What the hay? How'd you get in there?"

"I dunno. Is Pinkie around?"

"No, why?"

"I was following her."

"That explains everything. Following Pinkie. Ah shoulda guessed" she said, shaking her head solemnly. "Tried that myself once. Wound up in Applebloom's school desk."

"Well, I'm going to go find her and the others" I said, hauling myself from the bucket.

"Holy moley, what are those?" she said, pointing at my tattoos.

"I had almost forgotten about those. We recently took down a terrorist cell from the inside. This was part of our initiation."

"Who else was with you?"

"Ace, Twi, and Rainbow."

"So, where are they?"

"Hay if I know."

"I suppose they followed Pinkie, too?"

"Presumably."

"Well, I sure hope you have a way to remove those markings. You're drawing a crowd."

It was then that I turned and saw the crowd.

"Cool tats, dude. Where'd ya get 'em?"

"I know a guy" I said, hoping not to have to explain further.

"Think we could get some?"

"Maybe, let me contact him."

"Bad ass!"

I left for the library, hoping I could find a way to replicate the design. I got back to see the other three already there.

"Thought you had gotten lost" said Rainbow, relaxing in the air.

"Got delayed. Twi, do you have a spell to remove these tattoos?"

"Why would you want to do that? They're beautiful."

"And they were extremely painful" said Ace with a shiver.

"I understand both of your points, but I simply want to replicate them."

"Hmm, I may be able to work something like that."

Her horn flared, but I interrupted her.

"I thought you wanted them replicated" she said, giving me a questioning look.

"I do, but where are they going after that?"

"Oh, right" she said with a blush. " I suppose you have a plan?"

"Yep. We're going to increase the Apple family revenue."

"Watch the smarts" warned Rainbow, but I just rolled my eyes.

We set out for Applejack's stand and saw the ponies that had requested the tattoos still hanging around.

"I regret to inform you that the artist who did these tattoos has died."

This earned a moan from everyone there.

"Take heart, my little ponies" geez, that sounded good. "For just two bits, Twilight here will replicate these tattoos."

Of course, everypony was excited about this.

"Could you teach me the spell? I think there may be too many for you to handle." I asked Twilight.

She giggled, but taught me it anyway. When I had practiced it enough, we copied the pegasi's tattoos and pasted them on our waiting customers. Due to the spell, the process was painless, and they were inclined to buy a few apples too. As the day wound down, Applejack eyed her empty barrels.

"Geez, I haven't sold the entire stock in..." she pondered a moment. "Geez, I don't think I've ever sold out. Thank ye kindly, Kiqo."

"You're welcome. And here's a few bits for letting me use your barrel."

She chuckled. "Anytime, sugarcube."

We waved goodbye and headed home. The pegasi departed a short time later, flying up to the tuft of cloud that always hung over Ponyville. We headed home, preparing ourselves for a night's rest.

"I just realized something" Twilight said, spitting her toothpaste into the sink.

"What's that?"

"We went on a long journey for a scroll that would change genders, and we didn't even use it for what we had originally intended."

"Are you suggesting?"

"Oh, yes. Yes, I am."

So, we left our bodies to rest. As our souls, we cast the spell to reverse our genders. When it was done, we looked at each other.

"Hey, handsome" I said, sounding like the flirtatious secretary everyone in the office wants at.

She, or rather he, chuckled. "Are we going to do this or what?"

"I'm up for anything."

He tackled me, sending me tumbling through a bookcase. His lips were locked with mine as we soared through ancient tomes. He readied himself at my entrance, and I whispered in his ear to plunge as deep and as hard as he could. He obeyed, tearing right through my hymen. I arched my back at the intense pain, but that pain was quickly relieved by his rhythmatic thrusting. She had been right, the feeling was indescribable. We tried every position we had tried the first time, only it felt so different on the other end. We finished our last orgasm, and I guessed that it was day. It was, so we returned to our bodies. As per usual, I got up before her, but with what felt like a hangover.

"Is this the mental taxation she was talking about?" I muttered to myself.

I walked into the kitchen and saw Spike fixing up a batch of pancakes.

"You have no idea how happy I am to see you" I said, stumbling into the kitchen.

He looked up, startled. "Do I know you?"

I started to ask him if he had amnesia, but then I remembered the spell.

"Silly me, I had forgotten the transformation. It's me, Kiqo."

He eyed me up and down. "Hot."

"Isn't there a white unicorn that wouldn't appreciate that kind of talk?"

"If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."

He advanced upon me, but Twilight came down at that moment.

"Spike, what are you doing?"

"I was, uh, just, uh, m-making pancakes. Yeah, I was just making pancakes" he said, grinning fakely.

"Sure you were" Twilight said, sitting down at the table.

"How are you feeling?" I asked, joining him.

"I feel fine."

"Geez, that's weird. As a guy, I feel fine, as a chick, I don't."

"I guess guys are just brainless" He said, chuckling.

I eyed him, and he remembered his gender.

"Right, you sure are" I said, earning another chuckle from him.

"Think turning back will solve it?"

"Only one way to find out. But, I'm too taxed to cast this morning. Do you mind?"

"Not at all" he said, his horn flaring.

In a moment, I was back to my old self, sans headache.

"Much better. Now, I have a spell of my own" I said, my horn flaring.

When I finished the spell, I sat as a golden retriever.

He gasped, then asked "Why did you do that?"

"Change of pace" I said with a grin. "And lifestyle."

Spike came out with two plates of pancakes, set them down and abruptly left, muttering "I'm not going to ask" all the way back to the kitchen.

"This is going to be fun" I said, rubbing my paws together.

Spike came back, and we all ate in silence. When we finished, I told Twilight my plan.

"So, all you have to do in my plan is just pretend I'm an ambassador from Dogland” I finished.

"That's a wonderful plan" she said, having changed back earlier.

We set out, hoping to run into Rainbow and Ace. After introducing myself as Sir William of the Queen's cabinet to a few different ponies, we ran into our targets.

"Hey, Twi. Who's your friend?" Rainbow asked, responding to Twilight's greeting.

"I am Sir William of the Queen's cabinet. And might I ask your name?" I asked, placing a kiss on her hoof.

She was visibly flustered, and could not seem to form the right words.

"Back off my woman, you mangy pup" Ace said, scraping his hoof against the ground.

"Oh. Pardon moi, madame. I did not realize you two were together."

"It's alright, just don't try that again."

"But, my question still stands. What is your name, ma'am?"

"I'm Rainbow Dash, and this is Ace Grafite."

"It is a pleasure to meet you ladies."

"So, Twi, where's Kiqo? Doesn't he usually follow you like a stray pup?" Ace asked, eyeing me suspiciously.

I had to make a distraction, and fast. Then, opportunity arrived. It crawled down out of a tree carrying a few nuts.

"Squirrel!" I shouted, taking off after the small brown furball.

Fluttershy tried to block my path, but I simply leapt over her.

"I won't hurt him, I swear" I called as I flew.

I landed right next to him, scaring him half to death. I could see he was expecting me to pick him up and devour him, but when I only petted him a little, he was visibly relieved. When I was sure the girls weren't looking at me, however, I cast the spell that I had needed this distraction for. I made a fake Kiqo, asleep in Twilight's bed. I made him peek out of the library, spot Twilight, and run to her. Then, I gave him half of my soul, just so I could easily control him. When I had told his story of getting too worn out to rise last night, I loped over.

"Hello, sir" I said to myself. "You must be Kiqo?"

"Yes, I am. You are?"

"I am William."

"Of the Queen's cabinet?"

"Yes. Have you heard of me?"

"Yeah, Twi was telling me how you were coming over from Dogland on royal duty."

"Oh yes, my royal duty. Her majesty has heard tales of Sugarcube Corner's delicacies. She sent me here to taste and judge the pastries. If I deem them fit for her royal palette, I shall bring her some."

"You came for the cupcakes?" Pinkie asked, seemingly omnipresent.

"Yes, Miss Pinkie, I did. Are you the baker?"

"You betcha. Come on, I'll introduce you to the Cakes."

We departed, and I made Kiqo go lay down for a nap. It felt good to have all my soul in one piece.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cake!" she called in a sing song voice. "We have a royal visitor!"

They poked their heads out of the kitchen and quickly manned the counter.

"What can I get for your highness?"

"Please, just William will do. I'm only part of the cabinet."

"Oh, alright. What can I get for you, William?"

"Well, the Queen has heard of your shop, and sent me to judge your cuisine. So, I'd like one of everything."

"Everything?" Pinkie asked.

"Yes, everything."

"Pinkie, these are for a royal palette. I don't think she'd like your cherrychanga."

"Nonsense" she snickered. "Also, I should tell you I settled on chimicherrychanga."

Mr. Cake looked at me quizzically, silently asking if I wanted to go through with this.

"Well, she has a taste for some rather odd things, so maybe she will like this chimicherrychanga of yours."

"Alright!" she exclaimed, bouncing into the kitchen.

"I hope you know what you're getting yourself into" Mr. Cake said, retreating into the kitchen.

I chuckled and sat down at one of the tables. In a few moments, Pinkie brought out a burrito leaking red.

"Here you are 'William'" she said with a wink.

"I take it you know, then?"

"Yep. I knew all along. Don't worry, though. Your secret's safe with me."

"Ain't no hiding anything from you, Pinkie."

"So, I know your secret, but I don't know why."

"Just for fun, is all."

"Oh, so you're pranking people?"

"Precisely. Now, look out. The Cakes are coming."

She backed away and let the couple come through. They were pulling a cart stacked to overflowing with every treat on the menu.

"Oh my" I said, blinking in surprise. "I may just skip over some of these. I don't think I could stomach all of them."

"Oh, take your time, hun. This will be the biggest purchase anyone has ever made."

That was when I realized I had too few bits. Would it be cheating to just conjure some? I decided that that would wind up hurting the economy, so as I munched I devised a way to pay for this. Since I was supposed to be a member of the cabinet, I would just borrow some of the bits from them. I would pay them back, of course, but over a course of time. I had very little trouble doing this. It surprised me at first, but I assumed my facade was just that good. With the bits in paw, I payed for the delicacies, choosing only the finest. Just to humor Pinkie, I bought a chimicherrychanga. This purchase confused both of the Cakes, but they decided not to pester me about it. I made my way back to the library, hoping Twilight was there. She was, her head buried in a book.

"Madame?" I asked as I entered.

"No one else is here, you can drop the act."

"Phew. It was getting rather tiring talking so haughtily."

"So, I found your little illusion."

"Oh, crap. Did I forget to unsummon him?"

"Yeah. Please don't though, it's awfully nice knowing there's always someone else here."

"Are you getting lonely?"

"Well, no” she said, but I gave her a questioning look. “Alright, sometimes. It's only when you're gone, though” she confessed.

"Would you rather me never leave?"

"No, that would get a little weird."

"That's what I thought. Did anything happen after I left?"

"I gave the Ace his dick back."

"I sure hope they don't decide to 'celebrate' again."

"Well, you remember what happened last time, right?"

"Yeah, yeah. We went on a long quest to find out what it was like for the opposite gender."

She giggled. "And that was fun, right?"

"Yeah, it was. Still, I don't think Ponyville can spare another three days."

"I sure had fun on those three days" said the pink fluff of a pony.

"Oh, really?" I asked, having gotten used to her random appearances. "Who'd you do then?"

"It would be easier to list who I didn't" she said with a snicker. "On that list are you two, Ace, and Rainbow."

"Wow, you get around."

"Are you calling me a slut?"

"No, I'm just saying you know how to have fun."

She giggled, then left.

"I'm used to her appearing out of nowhere, but that whole walking through walls still disturbs me" Twilight said, shivering.

"That's why I don't look." We both laughed at this, and I felt I had to ask something. "How do you feel about polyamory?"

"That's a really weird question. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, but still. I'm curious."

"Well, I've always seen monogamy as synonymous with monotony, but I wouldn't go out with anypony else if you were uncomfortable with it."

"If I was uncomfortable with it, would I have asked?"

She giggled. "I guess you're right. I suppose you ask because you've got your eye on somepony?"

"Other than you, yes."

"Well, I do too."

"You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine?"

She chuckled. "Alright, I'll tell you. I really like Ace.”

If I had been drinking coffee, I would have spat it out. "What!? Why?”

“Well, maybe I’ve got a thing for extra planar beings.”

I chuckled, then said “He wouldn’t go for you.”

“Why?”

“He doesn’t believe in polyamory.”

“And you know this how?”

“Oh, you know, knowing each other since we could talk. You tend to pick things up when you share that much time together.”

“Oh, well I guess that one goes out the window.”

"You can always fantasize" I said with a wink.

"Yeah, I could. But who needs to fantasize when I've got you?" she said, snuggling up next to me.

I rested my chin on her head and we just sat there, feeling each other's warmth.

"So" she said after a while. "I told you mine."

"Oh, right. I have my eye on Vinyl Scratch" I said, having introduced myself to her earlier.

“You know she’s taken, right?”

“Well, not everything is meant to be, I guess.”

“Yeah, but at least you still have me, right?”

“Right” I said, nuzzling her.

“Anything interesting happening today?” I asked after a long while.

“There’s supposed to be an army rally. I was kind of interested in who we were going to war with this time.”

“You guys go to war?”

She smiled grimly. “Of course we do. I don’t like it, but we do.”

“I might have some things to say to them. Let’s go.”

She looked at me worriedly, but lead the way nonetheless. When we arrived, the speaker was already on stage.

“Hear me, citizens of Ponyville!” he called. “The griffin army has restarted the age old war we have always fought. We need more soldiers so we can wipe out the griffin threat and the griffin race forever. Who wants to join, for the glory of Celestia?”

A few ponies climbed up to the stage, and signed their names. I glared at them, and eventually could not be silent anymore.

“Genocide is not the answer!” I shouted, causing every pony in the crowd to turn to me. “I come from another world, a world I saw destroyed by hatred and war. I will not let you go through with this!”

My statement earned a scattered applause, but the speaker just snorted.

“If you stand against us, we will imprison you for betrayal of the crown.”

“Ooh, I’m scared. Do you really think the threat of imprisonment will stop me from preserving that which is most precious, the right to live?”

“I find it rather ironic that a carnivore like you would talk about the right to live.”

“For your information, I have altered my internal organs to be able to digest a more life friendly diet.”

This seemed to shut him up. A few ponies in the crowd gathered around me, facing the war monger down.

“Right, a ragtag group of ponies can stop the military from capturing an enemy of the state. Arrest them. All of them.”

The other military ponies advanced, but I stopped them with a slab of rock.

“The very ground you stand on will obey my word. I am the ally of the earth. No prison can hold me, and no life form can stop me.”

This scared the shit out of him, and he sounded the retreat. The attending unicorn’s horns glowed, and they all disappeared.

“I need to go for a walk” I said, leaving a worried Twilight behind me.