The Charmingly Handsome Adventures of Doctor Goodboy

"So Dr.Really Good Doctor, to summarize, I don't know what this thing is, but it definitely has a broken neck." said Creepy Twilight Idiot Face with her stupid fucking mouth.

I awoke in a gross facsimile of a doctor's office, exactly like one of my checkup rooms in every way except for the presence of multiple horrid horse demons. If you didn't get the memo on that, hell is just where you lie around with a broken neck getting dragged about by your worst nightmare. Look forward to the afterlife knowing that I'm a doctor but I still went to hell. What are you? How many lives do you save with wonderful, beautiful surgery?

"You probably should have taken him to the vet or something, he's not a pony, and I'm a pony doctor. They might just put him down though." replied Dr.Really Good Doctor, who probably has character traits related to things other than doctoring. I guess we'll see. "You know before I got my cutie mark I made a living crushing rats under my hooves."

"I'm a doctor too, Dr.Really Good Doctor, and I have to ask how you manage to perform surgery with those clunky old hooves of yours."

The doctor gave me a befuddled gaze, as if I was a freak for not knowing the answer to this incredibly stupid and obvious question.

"Don't look at me like that, rat crusher, you know fuck all about my anatomy either."

The fellow doctor shrugged and opened his mouth as wide as he could, revealing his awful horse teeth, and wretched horse tongue. Instead of ending in a fleshy bib the tongue ended in a small pink hand, which waved at me. I could also make out a pair of secondary eyes on the roof of his mouth.

"Holy shit I need to get out of here somebody fix my motherfucking neck I'm done! Either that or drop a rock on my head and kill me. I'm dead serious this has to stop. Satan please punish me in literally any way other than this." I screamed.

"He yells about this Satan guy a lot," mumbled Starlight Sparkle to herself, unaware of her existence as a spectre of the damned. The damned good looking that is, "and by the sound of it they are not friends."

Twilight Shimmer's ears drooped, then perked up.

"Well if he and this...Sayyytahn, are having a friendship problem, that must mean us finding him was meant to be, we can fix it!" she cheered as she jumped up and down.

"Yeah or ummm, you could help me with my broken fucking neck." I spat plainly.

"If you're really willing to die anyway I can give surgery a crack." chimed Dr.Really Good Doctor.

"Yes, and don't try too hard not to kill me." I immediately responded.

In an instant an expressionless nurse unicorn levitated me into the air and rested me atop a gurney. I promptly got strapped in and in dash I was being wheeled to the doctor place where surgery is done which I know the name of cuz I'm a doctor.

"LA la la blah blab babble," sputtered the doctor as he ran alongside me.

"What are you doing dude?" I inquired innocently.

"Just prepping my muscles for surgery," he said before giving me another tongue wave and getting back to his preparation.

Somehow I plum forgot about the tongue hand.

I don't want that shit touching me.

"Hey doc, why not give the hooves a try eh? If you touch me with that tongue I'll fucking kill you." I screamed.

In response the doctor stuck out his tongue and licked my face from chin to forehead. I immediately lost consciousness.

"I'd rather be dead and in Hell 2 than awake right now with the knowledge that I was licked by some freakish hand tongue." I griped from my hospital bed. Apparently the surgery had been a complete success, and now instead of being crippled forever, I'm crippled for a little while. Progress is happening and I hate it.

"You'll have to get used to tongue hands, everyone in Equestria has a weird tongue." crowed Dr.Really Good Doctor from his perch atop a swivel stool, "Twilight's tongue helps her channel magic, and there's a pink girl in town with a long prehensile tentacle tongue."

"I'll cut out every single one of your tongues and burn them in a pile." Maybe I'm being rude but in my defense he's creepy as sin.

"Well Twilight I must say this creature doesn't make the best first impression." came an authoritative voice from just offscreen.

I turned my head only to sink deeper into my endless nightmare.
It was another horse, exactly like the others, save for a few details. An ever-flowing mane oozed from its head like lava, and it had a pair of large wings resembling an Osprey.

But worst of all was its size. It was still smaller than a typical horse, but it was easily as tall as I would be if I weren't lying motionless in a hospital bed.

"I hope that was an ill-fated attempt at humor and not a death threat aimed at all of Equestria." it boomed menacingly before being slightly pushed back by Startwight Sparkler.

"I'm sure it was, please, this whatever it is just recently went through a whole bunch of awful stuff. I found it lying in the grass with a broken neck. He's having a friendship problem with someone called 'Sayyyytahn."she blurted frantically.

"Ahhh shit well...friendship stuff is your jurisdiction. I guess I won't impale his skull on my horn. But Twilight, when he's healed up,if he poses a threat-"

"I'll stab him directly in the brain," finished Twinkle Sparkle innocently.

Twinkle and the giant horse laughed about murdering me in front of me, as I lay helpless and immobile mere feet from each of them. Did I mention horses are my least favorite animal? I'm having a great time.

"Hey doc, when can I get the fuck up on outta here? I'm sick of all this reactive protagonist bullshit. I'm a proactive protagonist."

"Ehhhh, you should be better by next chapter, give it a week or two."