The Charmingly Handsome Adventures of Doctor Goodboy

My eyes flashed open, which was the last thing I expected to happen next. I have no earthly way of knowing whether or not you've been struck by lightning before, but in my experience the last thing that goes through your mind is "I'll probably be opening my eyes in a few minutes." It's right below "what if I get teleported somewhere" on the big list of 'shit one might think about.' Speaking of which.

I have no idea where I am anymore. Not only is this not the basement of a hospital, it isn't even a basement at all. I'm not even in past tense anymore. Fucking weird.

My ability to survey my surroundings is somewhat limited, as you may recall, because you're incredibly beautiful and intelligent, I broke my neck a few minutes ago. Well shockingly enough, getting struck by lightning did nothing to fix that. If anything I'm more crippled than before. I'm definitely lying in some grass if that helps.

"I'm telling you Starl-"

"Hello?!!?" I screech like a wounded animal, which I am, calling out to the first voice I hear. Thank god my hearing still works. "If I'm not having auditory hallucinations then please get over here and help me."

I hear clippety clopping behind me, which is an immediate turn off. I'm deathly afraid of horses, they might be the creepiest animal in existence. Their eyes are so creepy, especially when they're afraid, which is also when they're most likely to trample you to death. I saw a movie once when I was a little kid where a scared, creepy horse has a bunch of spiders in its mouth, and then it covers a kid in spiderwebs and swallows him whole. A single kick from a horse can paralyze you forever, and I'm already paralyzed forever.

"H-hey nevermind, I actually quite like this grass, don't help me."

"Oh Celestia! Starlight, look at that thing, it's in horrible condition and it's something I've never seen before!"

Celestia? Starlight? This lightningbolt must've sent me to some weird hippo dippie "Children of Gaia" cult or something. I'm not the kind to judge but I'm in need of serious medical attention not bone-soothing chakras from Mother Earth.

"Hey, Celestia was it? You wouldn't happen to have working knowledge of the human spine would you?" I call out, trying to take some initiative despite my utter lack of mobility.

"I have working knowledge of many spines," replied the voice eagerly as the clippety clips grew closer and began to sound crunchier, "none of them human."

"Seriously please get off that horse. I can hear those crunchy clippety clops and it's really freaking me out." I cry nervously. I'm aware that it's irrational for an apex predator like myself to fear an edible herbivore but herbivore still has vore in it. My mom fell off a horse and broke her wrist when she was little. I don't associate horses with beauty and grace, I associate them with hurt and murdered children.

"I'm not a horse, I'm a pony," shot back the voice. Great, so I'm at a furry convention. At least that'll be somewhat close to a hospital. High quality fursuit though to get such real clops and clips. The owner of the voice circled around into my field of view, and I immediately knew that I wasn't alive anymore. "And my name is Twilight Sparkle."

In front of me was the most sadistic nightmare spawn I'd ever seen. Like something out of the most ironic punishment a demon could conjure.

"What on Earth?" I gasped, as a gazed helplessly up at the most horrifying thing I'd ever seen.

It was like a horse, but deformed in OH so many ways. Its horse eyes, which would normally be respectfully small despite their creepiness, now occupied at least fifty percent of this monster's face. By contrast, the ordinarily large, ugly horse mouth was ridiculously tiny, containing many unnervingly human-looking teeth all of which were on display thanks to the joyous grin on the animal's visage. Its mane was perked nerdily atop its head, in an obviously intentional manner, like a little horsey librarian. It even had a motherfucking horn.

Sentient unicorns. I'm in motherfucking hell. That lightning bolt actually killed me. There was a pretty good chance of that I suppose. A better one than this being my afterlife of all things.

"So hey what are you anyway?" inquired Twilight Sparkle.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I replied with utmost eloquence.

The beast recoiled and I took my chance.

"Glorious, wonderful Satan, I'm sorry I doubted thee," I cried into the hells. "I will join thee in thy bid against Christ, ye need only to end this wretched punishment and torture me like a regular fucking person!"

"Please stop screaming at me, I need to give you medical attention," pleaded the repugnant monstrosity.

"Twilight what is that loud, vulgar creature?" came the other voice, which til now had escaped my fear-clouded memory. It creeped into my line of vision, right next to the other one. They looked extremely similar, with vaguely different hairstyles and color schemes.

"I'm unsure Starlight but it's clearly in horrible pain, I want to help it but it keeps startling me. It makes my legs twitchy."

Starlight and Twilight huh? That's pretty freaking creative, Satan. Well two awful horse-demons, may as well scream twice as loud. I revved my lungs into turbo mode and produced a shrill shriek that would deafen gods.

It immediately ceased as a ball of dirt and grass lodged itself directly in my mouth.

"Starlight that's cruel."

"Just get it to a hospital already, criminy!"

I did my best to scream through the dirt and grass but the odds were really starting to stack against my tired vocal chords. What I intended to be a bloodcurdling shout came out as a mere muffled whimper, which failed to repel the oddly proportioned horses before me. I'd consider losing consciousness and washing my hands of this ordeal if I didn't have to describe things in first person. Sucks to be me I guess. Can't I just nap though? You know what Ponyville is. You dedicated precious brainpower to storing images of it, instead of studying. And now you're reading this. Hmm.

Fuck it, I'm losing consciousness. Goodnight.