A Feather from Two Wings

"Excuse me?" was the choice dumb response to fall from my lips.

I stood in the center of a throne room full of heavily armed guards, a smiling princess authority figure, and some more than inconvenienced looking delegates. I have to add at this point in time that I am one hundred percent homo sapien of earth where as the people in the room were...

Ponies.

Not your run of the mill ponies that eat grass, shit all over the place and smell terrible. Ponies that looked like Bob Ross and Rebecca Sugar both had a LSD party. I focused back on the tallest unicorn pegasus hybrid that approached me with what could only be described as a motherly strut. Her smile warmed even my sarcastic devious heart and giggled softly while covering her mouth with a wing.

"I said we're not going to throw you in prison."

My mind had at the moment reacted with standing in a room full of aliens by conveying the only rational thought I could muster. A life of experiments and a dark cell with whatever ponies ate as my main form of sustenance. Not the most ingenious intrusive thought I've ever had but now wasn't the time to criticize my worst case scenario thoughts. Awe yes, the deity god figure talking to me. Alright mouth don't fail me now.

"I'd throw me into prison."

Oh smooth, smoother than silk on a god damn porcupines back. Well at least judging from her giggle fit I said something funny. I got this, they totally relish humor over all other forms of entertainment. I have to choose my next words very carefully.

"Take me to your leader, I come in peace." I said slowly while waving my hands slowly over my head.

More giggling followed by a laugh. A laugh that entranced me more than any other audience at Olive Garden I had ever experienced. So one I suppose. The white horse god was turning red in the face as she waved a wing at me. I had taken the moment of her giggling and such to look at the other ponies in the room. The entire court was shorter than the princess so much that I assumed they were dwarves that served her like an elven goddess.

Wow Dwarf slavery. Galadriel would be so proud right now.

"I'm afraid I'm as high up the ladder as you will find strange creature. My name is Princess Celestia of Equestria and I welcome you to our lands."

She was so kind I felt my heart melt down my pant sides. No wait, that was the fear urine which is always followed by my nervous erections. Damn you body don't do this now she doesn't even have a rack.

"I'm Kalam Cardin of Seattle Washington, book keeper and bartender of Olive Garden." I proclaimed with a tad more gusto than I had when I peed my pants.

She bowed which surprisingly caused a domino effect among her subjects. Man these horses were very well trained. I wonder if I can purchase one of these dwarf horse slaves? The bow was held a hair longer than I felt comfortable with seeing as how I was defenseless against their stampeding tendencies.

"Well Kalam," She began as she raised herself. "I am very pleased to answer any questions you may have. I'm sure you're very confused."

"Alright." I muttered while keeping an eye out for any hoof dragging or stomping. "I'll make them short and sweet. You just answer quickly and concisely."

She chuckled and shook her head.

"It's frankly good to see you're an eloquent creature."

I took a deep breath and put my hands palms together in front of my face. I was going to treat this as a quick time event interrogation.

"Do you have common plumbing?"

"It flushes clockwise to the sun."

"Ice cream is made from?"

"Milk and ice shavings turned slowly with flavoring and fruit."

"Movies are?"

"Moving pictures displayed on a large fabric canvas." She said with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. I think she was enjoying this.

"You don't seem that surprised to see a talking biped in front of you."

"Not a question I suppose though you're definitely not the first strange creature to appear here." She paused and slowly walked around me. "But certainly the first of your intelligence and appearance."

I sighed deeply, popped my shoulders with that oh so satisfying snap, crackle, and pop. I suppose their were worse places to end up and I was sure I could find a million and one ways that this could have happened.

"May I ask you a question since you do appear to be temporarily stuck here and intelligent?" She asked with a smile and a nod.

"Shoot. I don't have advanced military training or world wide secrets if that's what you're aiming for."

She smiled wider and closed her eyes in deep thought. The entire room was silent and unmoving as if her and I were having an out of time conversation. I suppose if she's the leader she might just have that kind of power.

"Would you like a job?"

One year later

"I'm telling you, using a time skip in her last book was just a lazy bit of writing!" Carmella Cream said as she walked by my side with a notebook in her magical grasp.

The cocky unicorn mare was Prince Bluebloods house carl and an obnoxious one at that. She had encouraged me to read the Daring Do books and much to her chagrin I thoroughly enjoyed the last book in the series which featured a year long time skip in chapter eight while Daring adventured into Tartarus to train with the demon lords in fire magic.

Crazy right?

"Time skips aren't a cop out Cream. It's a great creative medium to advance a story with flashbacks and memories that pop up during times of crisis." I groaned as I raised my hand to pull my own clipboard out with the help of the magical bracelet Starswirl had fashioned for me.

Fun fact, my kind were apparently all but immune to magic but if given a focus crystal we could channel our own. Not in anything wondrous like the unicorn mages but handy enough with some advanced telekinesis. I had managed to manifest seven "bangs" I called them in the shape of my own hands. I had learned rather quickly I needed way more than two hands to do all the work Princess Celestia had piled up for me.

"Well did you at least have any commentary about her budding romance with Chroma Bolt?"

"She's a filly fooler Cream get over it. Just because she didn't end up with Baron Nefarious like in you're shitty fanfiction doesn't mean she would in the books."

Cream ran in front of me and stuck a hoof right into my unsuspecting gut. With a very loud "oof" I found myself stopped by the pony half my size. Center of mass is low with these abominations I swear to god.

"I let you read those in secret." She hissed as she narrowed her orange eyes at me.

"Well stay off my case about the book unless you want Blueblood to hear about your fascination with bald fat stallions."

She hissed again like a serpent and prodded me once more.

"You wouldn't dare."

"Oh I would and let me tell you he would have a royal hay day. Think about it Cream. Hoity-toity Blueballs throwing a conniption over the fact that his model level house carl has a thing for big. Fat. Slovenly stallions." I hissed back while poking the tip of her horn.

She relented with a huff and walked ahead of me while slandering my mother in that oh so high and mighty Manehattan accent. With a sigh of relief I continued behind her looking over the clipboard and three scrolls in front of me. I know in my world you cant look at your phone and walk without hitting someone but this castle was a venerable ghost town.

"So I'm to meet the ambassador of Yakyakistan and tell him to fuck off until next month during the summer celebration so he'll stop asking about the pink ponies snow cakes." I began with a sigh that had long become my butler staple. "Followed by attending to Princess Luna's request for an audience with Vinyl Scratch regarding the new Nightmare Moon mix tape."

"You got it easy Kal. I have to hand pick seven hundred roses for Bluebutt to send off to Coloratura. They all must have no less than fifteen thorns to symbolize the fifteen days he's waited for her letter."

I shuddered and kept my pace while looking over the scrolls.

"Man there is desperate then there is Blueballs desperate."

This earned a chuckle from Cream as she added a spring in her step.

"You don't know the half of it Kal."

I stopped in my tracks as a small earth quake shook the halls. Such loud banging and roaring could only mean one simple thing.

"Prince Rutherford has entered the building." I muttered while adjusting my tie and bracelet.

"Well you have fun with smashy smashy break things. I'm off to smell the roses." Cream added with a smirk while waggling off.

"You're fanfiction is shit and you're husbando is shit!" I called after her while laying the scrolls in my shoulder bag.

Well now that I have a moment to myself time to get ready for the terrorist equivalent of farm animals. I had my emergency escape crystal in case of pounding, some ointment in case of pounding, and of course a butt tube in case of pounding. You never know when I'll be the catcher ya know.

"Prince Rutherford!" I yelled with a grin as I stepped through the doors into the main lobby.

"SERVANT KALAM! IT HAS BEEN MANY MOONS SINCE LAST WE SMASHED!" The over sized Nordic tribal yak bellowed as he and four of his followers began pounding the ground.

I swear to god this mother fucker is going to bring down the whole city.

"Rutherford we've been through this, don't say it like that."

He laughed loud enough for me to cringe before shaking his mighty mop top.

"But friend Kalam, we have not smashed in so long! You smashed so long last time Rutherford was sore for many days."

Oh double entendre, you cheeky little bitch.

"Listen Rutherford I have a lot of appointments to keep so I'll be quick. The princess can't hang out with you until next month at the summer celebration. She's sorry but with the repairs still going on underway after the dragon incident she simply doesnt have the time to... smash with you." I shuddered at the last bit.

Rutherford looked to his aides, nodded once, then twice.

"Next month sound nice! Tell princess servant is doing a good job!" He said with a hoof raised to symbolically show a thumbs up.

"Wait that's it? No cancellation of meeting smash? " I asked genuinely bewildered.

"Of course not!" He yelled almost directly into my face. "Princess is busy with many things but servant handle them much better than when she did not have one."

Again with the servant. I'm an emissary and scribe for Christs sake.

"Well I guess this is good bye? Yeah definitely, goodbye Prince Rutherford until next month." I said as I began my walk towards my next appointment.

He stopped me and pulled me close to the musky scent of his beard as he held me close.

"Not so fast Servant Kalam!" He leaned closer to whisper rather loudly into my ear. "Yaks say rumors about you and Princess are true. Are they true?"

Awe yes the newest scandal to hit the gossip whores of Equestria. God forbid the Princess go to a gala without someone by her side. Let alone that someone be her emissary.

"No Rutherford the princess has not taken me on as her concubine." I sighed with a gentle shove on his nose.

The rumor had been around since Celestia had gone public about my title and close proximity to her at all times. Though seen by many as a diplomatic move I knew she did it to keep her wondrous exotic pet on a happy and well fed leash.

A very well fed leash.

"Sorry to disappoint you Rutherford but perhaps you'll throw an application in? I'm sure the princess would love you're riveting tale of the time you killed the avalanche...again."

He laughed and pushed me onto my back as his yak cronies laughed in unison.

"Yak become mate to Princess? Yak has not heard such a funny joke in many moons! But yak not here to laugh, yak here to talk. Talking has stopped WE GO NOW!"

The resulting cloud of dust and other obscuring particles allowed the yaks to disappear in the loudest and most destructive fashion. Like Batman in a bulldozer they vanished leaving only the cracked tile and torn carpet that I'd have to order cleaned up remaining.

One appointment down one to go.

"I see you attended to Prince Rutherford very well." Came a melodious laugh.

"Good to see when you're too preoccupied bumping wings with the rich you leave me to deal with the loud and destructive guests." I bluntly replied while bringing myself to my feet with the help of a large white wing.

"Oh Kalam come now," Celestia interjected with that same old smile. "Prince Rutherford will only speak to you if I'm unavailable. I never intend for you to get caught up in his... smashing." She laughed at the last part and wiped a tear with her wing from her eye.

Sun horse you and I are going to war and your magic ain't gonna stop me. Hell I might just draw a mustache on that smug mug when you sleep.

I just smiled and bowed slightly.

"And what do I owe the pleasure of your company Tia? Have I earned enough good human points for such a thing or am I going to get the bill in the mail?"

She rolled her eyes and cuffed me upside the head gently.

"You keep saying the only reason I keep you around is for your smart mouth but your services to the crown are worth so much more." she cooed as she dusted off my uniform with her wing.

"If by service you mean offending and bad mouthing all of your subjects then yes call me the fucking pope."

Another cuff. At this point I wasn't sure if she was my ruler or my mother. Aside from our talks during dinner and tea Celestia and I hardly had what one would call a "professional" relationship. I consoled her during times of sadness, chased away subjects she didn't want to see, and provided her with an insurmountable amount of sweets during her horse periods.

As much as I antagonized her and joked around Celestia was my friend. I'd do anything for her including getting smashed by the yaks.

"One of these days Kalam you'll realize how much you mean to me as a friend more than as an assistant." She sighed as she encouraged me to walk with her.

The halls of stained glass did more than show off the victories of the ponies as a race but also a slide show of how absolutely boring said victories were. I wasn't a fan of the power of friendship or the wonderful things love and happiness can win. The history that was framed on the walls was honestly boring. The history of the gryphon wars and dragon alliance? That was worth listening to and Celestia regaled me whenever I asked much to her and Luna's delight.

"For over a thousand years I've only had four assistants. The last two were Grimoire Vergales and Starswirl the Bearded." She stopped and showed me the same glass of her and Starswirl looking over the valley that had become a vast bustling network of towns and cities. "Then for hundreds of years I had none. I had no need for a pony to help me in the day to day life of being a princess."

"You're really more of a god. I mean you could bring the sun down and make smores with all those marshmallow ponies." I chuckled with a quick lick of my lips.

"The life of a princess." She continued without even acknowledging my cute quip about eating ponies. "Is a hard one. I have many duties and some of them go right under my wing. I'm thankful that you're help has brought a time of peace for me but that means nothing in comparison to our time reading together, teaching each other about our worlds, and that horrible card game you play with my sister and I."

"Card against humanity. Classic."

"Horse cock monolith I recall was your last winning card." She mused while continuing down the hall.

"Gets Luna every time." I sneered back.

She stopped dead in her tracks and I could tell something was on that adorable princess mind. I hadn't seen her this deep or talkative since Sparkle made her cry. Gods above it took a long time for me to calm down and not grab that purple smart ass by the horn and use her as a bat for ball practice.

"Tia." I whispered with a hand on her neck.

That name always made her focus on me. As far as I knew I was the only other soul alive to call her that besides her sister.

"I'm sorry Kalam. I've had a lot on my mind in regards to next weeks summit."

Awe yes. The summit. I had received countless scrolls requesting for the location to be moved somewhere less strategic as Canterlot. Within the next week the gryphon war party was going to meet with the princesses to talk about the forfeiture of Silver Glade, a prime piece of contested river land that just touched the gryphon border.

"Tia I'll be right by your side. If those uncooked chickens have anything to say against you they can go through me." I reassured her with a stroke along her neck.

If any one else had seen me do that I'd be pinned under a dozen spears but in this moment it was just me and Tia. Two adults talking out lives little problems like a warring country looking to take your land.

Damn cannibalistic chickens.

"I appreciate that Kalam I truly do. I hope the negotiations go well or it could mean a fissure in the peace treaty."

Another reassuring pat and some scritches below the chin made her smile softly.

"I'll find a way to simulate the feeling of you doing that I swear to Faust." She cooed as she shook her head.

"Great, we'll sell it to lonely old mares and make millions."

The cuff that followed that was the roughest and funniest I had ever received.