A Feather from Two Wings

Being in the presence of Princess Luna was always... interesting. The boring love, enrichment, and social networking story detailed six little ponies that appeared with magic and rainbows and BLESSED THE FUCK out of Luna till Jesus ripped Nightmare Moon from her quivering saliva laden jaw. Kind of metal, I know, but the story of pre-banishment Luna?

That shit was written like a 1980's glam rock band metal movie. Luna was to war as buxom chain mail sporting hussies were to Heavy Metal. She tore through battlefields and used a spear like a midnight black shish-kebab wearing what I assumed to be pornographic material fetish pony armor.

Whew got to catch my breath there.

"Kalam are you ill, friend? Luna inquired as she stared at me over her half moon cat glasses surely stolen from Professor Mc'gonigal. I was staring at a literal pony librarian as she sipped her latte while reading the Equestrian Times.

Too bad hipsterism ruined another world.

"Not at all princess, just admiring your morning/evening attire." I lied while waving a hand at her.

I used my super awesome wizard hand bracelet to pull a few of the scrolls out detailing her mail sent and received from Vinyl Scratch. I might be flaunting my own magical capabilities but Twilight herself said Fourth Year unicorns at the magic academy could only use three projections of will. Ergo, I'm smarter than a fourth grader so fuck you Jeff Foxworthy!

"Vinyl has agreed to meet you for the recording of the Nightmare Night Scratch Megamix." I explained attempting to say that whole thing in one determined breath.

Luna raised a dexterous eyebrow as I took an exaggerated breath inwards.

"However she wants you to come to her recording studio in the city rather than make a trip through customs to get into the palace."

Luna lowered her eyebrow and raised the other as a loud and very surprising op came from my left side. Sure as the moon was beautiful a white unicorn with hot topic blue hair looked to me with a toothbrush still in her dripping mouth.

"Uh... Sup?" She said with a shake of her hoof.

Now in the year I had been in pony-fuck-all land I had seen some crazy shit. I had seen the sky rain chocolate milk, I've seen cockatrices have stare downs, I've even seen Rainbow Dash's snatch and lemme tell you Kalam does NOT wanna smash that like button.

Still somehow I was struck dumb again as vinyl swished in her mouth, walked to the ice sculpture basin, spit in said basin and then dried her snout on Celestia hand knitted place-mats. With a nod of her head and a slight shake of her mane she sat next to Luna and merely said...

"Sup Lulu?"

You know when shitty anime creators put in filler episodes where the characts see something so stupid and unbelievable they fall backwards with their feet high in the air? Yeah me either. needless to say I did what any functional non weaboo adult would do and merely rolled my eyes with an audible "tsk".

"Well I suppose you doing this completely negates the reason to summon me so I'll just be..." I never did get to finish that remark before I reflexively grabbed a spoon being thrown at my face with one of my "big bangs."

"So... you have only summoned me for training have you?" I muttered while fousing more power into the bracelet hung on my wrist.

Luna sprung on top of the table knocking over the ice basin (now swish and spit bowl) with a devilish grin and a sinister glow of her horn.

"You've grown soft Kalam. We only wish to see if you can best us! There have been many warriors who have charged us within the last epoch but you... you..." She paused to grind her teeth with those nostrils flaring. "You are the only creature to ever... FUCKING CHEAT! HOW DARE YOU PUT A MEMORY FOAM PILLOW INTO A PILLOW FIGHT THAT'S SIMPLY BARBARIC!" She screamed as several pillows flew from under the table straight towards me.

Fun little bit of exposition but Princess Luna is crowned, belted, and titled as Equesrias greatest pillow fighter. She has taken down the stone sack wielding Yaks seven times. It's a damn shame though that in her greatest moment of triumph it was I, Kalam, who gave her a quick and brutal Pony Cunt Punt™ A memory foam fupa grenade right under the tail hole. It was I in that summer of just a little under a year ago where I stood victorious in the gayest game of battle royale... ever.

"I didn't cheat it was you, oh high and mighty flat butt, that said heavy ordinance was acceptable!" I yelled back as I grabbed my leather satchel like a pillow.

"Memory foam is classified as a war ready payload and has been for years!" She screamed back as a pillow rocketed tail first towards my face.

I deftly dodged with a smirk and got low to launch my counter attack. An attack, which sadly was over budget for this story, that never came. You see, when anything high speed goes towards Celestias face it generally burns in the atmosphere of her solar rage. Or it would if Celestia had any idea what was coming for her at the speed of sound when she opened the dining hall door.

Some cartoon enthusiasts from my world theorized in cartoons and fantasy worlds pillows going at high speed suddenly and inexplicably lose momentum mere micro seconds before impact. This sudden decrease of momentum allows the pillow to hit the subject and fall off with a cute and satisfying "Squeak." However Equestria was very real and so was Newtons first law of motion.

Celestia received that pillow with enough force to end her life momentarily and experience all of her most embarassing moments before slinging back to the present. Also hard enough to make her do a half barrel roll.

"The war has begun! Long live the Night!" I screamed while laying a series of successive blows on Celestia as she laid on her back like a dazed child.

War. War never changes.™

The resounding war lasted a lifetime of about seven seconds before the giggling and bantering started.

"I come to check on you before you go to bed and I find you assaulting our precious emissary." Celestia cooed woefully as her hoof rubbed the top of my head.

Another fun flashback fact about pegasus. Their wings are swole as fuck bro. She had me in the most tickling inducing cage of my life. Horse wings are made by Satan and I now had irrefutable proof.

"We only wished to test him. All know of his cheating ways." Luna jeered as she poked my exposed nose with the corner of her pillow.

Of course I at that moment noticed the time on the clock and realized I had a serious "date" with a friend very soon. This was to be a major moment in my life in this strange new world.
Many months of fruitless research and prodding had finally revealed to me the one thing from my own world that I seriously needed. I'm not talking about human pornography, a subscription to Nintendo Power, not even a nice cut of flank steak.

No this was something much more important than all of those.

I needed to chase clouds.

"Hey Tia remember that conversation we had yesterday about this time on this day?" I asked as quietly as I could earning yet another giggle from her as the nuzzling on my head only grew in force.

"Hm? Was it about getting featured in Equestria Times for another riveting article on human history?"

I rolled my eyes and sunk into the chest behind me.

"No everything I published gets featured so this time I wrote some non comprehensive comedy skit." I chuckled with a waggling eyebrow to Luna.

"What is it then?" Luna asked with that cold inquisitor glare.

"If you must know, I'm meeting a new friend from Ponyville and the northern section of Canterlot."

Luna snorted and shook her head.

"Meeting. With friends? You?" She laughed with a knicker.

"Yes and you two aren't invited."

The silence that fell on the room was palpable. I almost felt a little guilty when mom horse let me go from her feathery clutches. The two of them were looking at me with the biggest puppy dog eyes I had ever seen in my life. If I had to be honest, which I don't, I'd have to say Luna looked far more sad-adorable.

"Come on guys I can't just bring the princesses to meet with the common folk. You guys would steal the show." I began to whine back. So much for being a responsible late twenties adult.

"Besides" I added with a sigh. "We're doing something you guys might not like being... regal and all."

Luna and her sister raised the left most curious eyebrow. I was in the middle of some sick sitcom wasn't I? Was I Erkel?

"We're doing... Gryphon Twist Root. You know... hookah?" I added almost sheepishly. If there was a man card checker I was fucked.

Both sisters took a moment to stare at me before laughing uproariously.

"You think gryphon hookah parties are extreme for Luna and I?" Celestia managed to choke out between sobbing laughter.

"Well you know... I still don't know what Equestrian drug laws are like." I sheepishly added.

"Come on please? Pretty please with a ruby on top?" Luna asked while pleading with her hooves.

Equine arms shouldn't bend that way.

"No."

"Please?" Celestia sang quietly.

"Not gonna say yes." I finally commanded.

A short walk later

"I can't believe I allowed this." I muttered while a familiar white slender unicorn and a even more familiar midnight blue pegasus hummed next to me.

Yes. Princess gods can turn into smaller and totally recognizable single race versions of themselves.

Now if only I could turn into Tyler Perry. That would be frickin sweet.

"Now remember Kalam." Celestia-not-Celestia began with a hushed whisper. "I'm now called Celina Sunmane. Got that?"

Her voice totally didn't change. Luna however?

"Right on ye feckin gob cobbler. Me names Lunar Eclipse ye got that? I'll conk yer feckin gob swear on me mum." She drawled with a lower lip corner clearly overlapping her upper.

Cunt Luna. Got it.

"You guys are going to ruin the only non obligated friendships I have." I groaned while ponies seemed to watch us walking down the street.

Truth be told ponies seemed utterly oblivious that I was standing next to smaller single race variations of the royal princesses. I slowly began to suspect that all the ponies were inbred which explained the random singing and dancing. Either that or they were fucking Fraggles in horse form.

Didn't get that? That's okay most millenials don't.

"We are merely hoping to see what friendships you have fostered. That and it has been many moons since we have conquered smoke tower." Not Luna said with a shake of her hoof.

Was everything a competition for her? Jock Luna was scary.

"Well we're here. Please don't make me wish I was banished when I popped into your world." I whispered as I knocked on the metal door of a small ornate shack at the end of the market block.

"Hey Kalam my dude what's good brother?" A white coated unicorn dude addressed me as the door opened. The guy had some weird beads on his neck and a questionable cutie mark subsisting of a strange beaker and smoke.

"Bubbler good to see you again. Did you get to watch that Power Pony episode I lent ya?" I asked with a chuckle.

"Dude crossovers are so weird. Why would Bat Pony ever team up with the Power Ponies? It's two totally different stories!" He exclaimed as a strange dread-locked pony ducked back into his room behind him.

"Amen to that man. Piss poor writing and blatant self service to the writers." I said with a nod.

Somewhere out there a cringy smut writer died. I could feel it run up my spine.

"I brought two others with. This is Celina Sunmane and..." I paused to cringe at a twitchy and smiling Luna.

"Names Lunar Eclipse ye wank. Call meh Eclipse or I'll clock your gobber!"

Fucking lord Luna dial it back from 15 to a 9.

"Hell yeah you brought the mares and I brought the goods. Let's party, Kylia is here waiting."

I walked into the adorned shack with a deep breath. Awe yes totally legal and not green leafed drugs. I missed that borderline skunk smell. A small auburn gryphon perched on the sofa adding red hot coals to the top of the hookah with a wide grin. Her cyan eyes fell on me and a hearty laugh echoed from her beak.

"Back again already tiny cloud Kalam? I thought you'd leave after the last tiny unsatisfying cloud you blew?"

The more I listened the more I realized we were a trio of douche canoes. God damn what's next? Va-

"HOOKAH NATION!" Bubbler and Kylia both yelled while waving their hooves/talons in the air.

Yep. I'm a douche bag.

Another step over the threshold and the calmness overtook me. The smell of desserts that didn't exist. coals and moist shreds of totally not marijuana sitting in a lightly smoking bowl affixed to a tower built for gods. This was not about taste, or physical high, or even watching Luna suck on a hose like a whore. This was about one thing and one thing only...

Blowing better clouds than a fucking gryphon.