A Feather from Two Wings

Blowing clouds is a very guilty and totally non sexual past time of mine. I had been a compulsive smoker in my world since I was old enough to be a yellow toothed bad boy. Truth be told it wasn't the proudest time in my life but boy oh boy did it go down hill after a friend of mine showed me...

"You gonna day dream Kalam or are you gonna blow some sick clouds?" The gryphon challenged me before taking a long drawn out suck of the hookah.

How gryphon have any suction without lips I will never know but then again flying horses with laser head penises ruled the world and were currently sitting next to me shooting the breeze with Bubbler Green. I wasn't about to lose a cloud blowing contest to a hussy chicken with a mouth as foul as Betty White.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah feather tits. Lemme show you how humans smoke the hookah." I began as I went to grab the tube from her claws.

"Not so fast boy. Bubbler here has something special for this special occasion." She whistled while taking the oh so sweet tube from my stubby monkey knuckles.

Bubbler took the cue and trotted (Walked? I can never tell the proper terminology when these finger-less assholes can manage to grab things with nothing more than a cloven hoof) towards the bar and grabbed a wooden box with a golden lock. As if lost in a state of trance he walked slowly back and presented it to me.

"One year ago you came to us and asked if our kind smoked anything. You sought the clouds and through your journey you have come here to the eighth gate."

"Ok man what the fuck have you been smoking? It's not like you guys have pot in this backwards world I'd know about it." I sarcastically remarked only to be met with the stares of not only my gryphon dyke friend but also not-Luna and not-Celestia.

"You mean maney jane?" Tia asked with a chuckle.

"Wonder leaf?" Bubbler interjected.

"Horse glue?"

The room went eerily silent as Luna looked with shock.

"What? It's what I smoked before the war." She muttered before taking a hit from the hookah.

"Anyway... Kalam you've grown from a coughing wreck to a cloud blowing wizard. I would be honored to share this with you. It's been passed down from Green family since we first started smoking different things to see what kind of clouds we could chase. I humbly offer you the last of my Golden Carrot Chariot." He reminisced as he opened the box revealing an expertly rolled blunt with the insignia of Canterlot stamped in wax along the filter.

Gotta admit this was starting to sound hella gay. Harold and Kumar weren't as gay with their stoner humor as this tan faced pigeon fucker. I had flashbacks to my first time. The smoldering end bit, the feeling of euphoria, the never ending stream of snacks, the shitty comedy skits you HAD to be high to enjoy. Part of me wanted to turn away, to show Celestia and Luna I had a shred of humanity.

The other part of me was rock hard and wanted the joint being presented to me. My mouth watered, my lungs growing in strength as if borrowing the lung power of every creature on this planet. It was time to summon the smoky spirit bomb. I was gonna take the whole thing in one shot and never choke.

Yup. Hella gay. Really fucking gay dammit I need to stop. I couldn't, I can't, I have to...

"Row...row." I muttered.

The quizzical looks that surrounded me became ones of shock and horror as I snatched the blunt and raised it to my lips. A fire in my fingers in the form of a splintered wooden match. A fire in my very soul...

Forgive me /a/

"FIGHT THE POWER!" I roared with a foot upon the coffee table that was hand crafted by Bubbler himself.

I sucked the shining mass deep into my lungs, into the lungs of every human and equestrian. Children would be born coughing with red eyes and thumbs raised for the sheer force I displayed. The tip went white with the heat and burned down faster, faster still until only the literal flaming end remained. Impossible and invisible; invigorating yet intoxicating.

"By Faust he's doing it. He's doing it!" Bubbler cried with tears in his eyes.

The room brightened with my glory, my chest and pants filled with pride. I was going to blow a cloud so large it would blow the face off of that self centered feather slut.

"Fight it Kalam!" Celestia cheered with her hoof in the air.

"Suck it down till none doth remain!" Came the second jubilant cry of Luna.

Only that final condensed nug of power to get through. This was the boss battle and I was mother fucking Cloud Strife! It was time for my secret move which was mastered from vapes and blunts and even that one time I went down on my ex. Wait maybe not that.

"He can't handle the heat. How the hell is he gonna finish the wall?" Kylia mused with a cocky smirk.

I opened only the outer edges of my mouth to mix the ash and fire with fresh air. only true humans could control their lips this way. My trump card, my last stand against Kylia fucking Razorclaw.

"You got this Kalam, finish the hit!" Came the trio of my closest comrades.

The lungs had reached their capacity. My body ached with the strength of Equestrian pot. I was going to blow the biggest fucking cloud that ever existed. Those damn pegasus weather freaks were in for a storm and I was going to be at its head.

The moment of truth.

White light blinded me as my lungs expelled the world of smoke that resided in my very soul. So powerful was my burst of air that a cloud enveloped the table, the floor, a giggling luna, a star struck and crying Bubbler, even Kylia sat wide eyed as a wall of spittle and smoke came down on her like the supreme court came down on Bill Cosby. I was going to throw the proverbial hot dog bun at her and envelop the world in my cloud of righteous justice. If I was a dick then the smoke was my love and Kylia was an unsuspecting college co-ed fresh from Tinder.

"I..." Came my own raspy voice as the smoke covered the room in sweet skunky love. "I will never be able to do that again."

I collapsed on the couch with a smile of pure joy plastered on my red face. Kylia was staring in awe not even aware or caring of the spittle covering her.

"Faust's crotch tits Kalam that was... Adequate." She whispered as I draped my arms around the hyped up royal sisters.

"Right? So... Anyone got some hay fries?"

A few hours and many munchies later

"So your movies feature people that smoke and get into crazy adventures?" Celestia giggled as she bumped my hip with hers.

"Bro Harold and Kumar are totally fucking funny. You know they got a baby high on cocaine?" I giggled while stuffing my face with an insurmountable pile of brownies.

We had eaten Kylia and Bubbler out of house and home and opted to go to the castle for more food. I had to give the sisters credit they had some bomb fucking food in their home. Anything a middle aged woman on her period would ever need was only a short jump away from me. Through some weird horse fuckery the princesses had managed to convert the fridge in the chefs kitchen to have as much space as a god damn Tardis.

"Well I'm afraid that is one thing our world is lacking." Luna said through a mouth full of salad and fudge cookies. She tilted her head back and poured a cup of ranch for good measure before going back to the said with chocolate garnish.

"Come on we could totally make our own." I joked with a grin.

But damn. With the power of the princesses and my knowledge of all the best things humans had made to get high I could start a drug ring throughout the entire kingdom. I'd be Tony Montana and the girls would be my lavish drugged out secretaries.

"Would we be wearing only the most professional and sexy tailored suits?" Celestia giggled as she manifested her mane into a tight bun and fabricated some black glasses on her face.

"Oh fuck did my thoughts come out of my mouth?" I managed to ask.

"Along with some cake my dear."

I found my face growing hot. Sure I had been in Equestria for a year but I wasn't some degenerate from tumblr. I wasn't anywhere near ready to "go native" but the idea of Celestia and Luna in secretary garb was an alluring thought.

"You did it again Kalam." Luna jeered with a poke to my chin.

"Seriously?" Are my words just written above my head for all to read?"

"No but if they were I'm sure they would be filled with atrocious grammar and spelling errors."

Silence fell over the room as somewhere another cringy smut writer died of a heart attack. Poor asshole.

"Well ladies. I think I'm going to drag my sorry ass to bed. Thanks for another night filled with exposition filled story building and generally giving my lifes story no real direction."

Celestia stuck her tongue out and waved her horn to clear the mess we had made in the name of full stomachs and even fuller toilets on the morrow.

"With pleasure Kalam. It's too bad our night ended so shortly. we only spent some sixteen hundred minutes together." Celestia whined as she nudged my head.

"That's twenty six hours Tia. This entire time we've been away from court and our subjects." Luna mused with another spoonful of rocky road. "What are we gonna blame for our disappearance?"

Celestia snorted and rolled her eyes.

"Bad writing probably."