RHAPSODY 4 : TOM GREEN

“Attention, polygamous heathens!” cried Twilight Sparkle from her podium.
“We ponies are not personifications of human sin! We are not fleshy goblets of drinky-drink! We are the things that are! We must take responsibility for our own sins! Most of the time, when we screw something up, we must simply await punishment because setting things right is fruitless.”

The Despacito followers then crucified Twilight. Out and out. Most laughably edgy things are simply honest expressions of what sadness feels like. Life is simply like that, yeah. Who? Twilight did the first not-bad thing she did in a long time and was crucified. There is no inherent advantage or superiority in being different. Twilight felt hot and sticky as she writhed on the cross. That’s something all right. Scream! Rage at the Heavens, what’s happening anyway? That was a weird sentence but yeah. Damn. The thing is, the future is a big fat lump of nothing that’s gonna suck everyone in. Twilight cried. She felt like shit. Most likely because she was shit. Apparently, that was enough to make her not even a pony. Once you’re a piece of shit, no-one cares about you. Which is fair enough. The protestors knew that what Twilight said was true even though she thought she was lying. She was. Aha! Fuck all the cameos. Tabasko died of a heart attack and fell from the Heavens. His last words were “Fuego alert...”.

Tabasko died as he lived. Fuego as hell. He died knowing that he could never become more Fuego. You keep making the SAME mistakes even though you KNOW the results. You only have yourself to blame. Andy Warhol slipped on a banana peel and bashed his skull in. He had no last words. Jean-Luc Godard was already dead.

Twilight died. Pinkie Pie didn’t care. She was too busy crying. Nothing mattered to her anymore.
“I guess if I’ve learned anything, it’s that ass tastes great.” said Pinkie before writing a letter to Luna.

All the poststallions were still involved in the 120 Days of Sodom-style orgy outside but Pinkie could simply send a letter via paper aeroplane. Fluttershy had gone into shock. Pinkie often fucked with her for shits and giggles. She didn’t find it funny any more. It was often more attractive to believe that nobody was good so nobody needed to improve. Pinkie wasn’t so misanthropic. She simply didn’t believe in such principles as “Good”, “Bad” or “Improvement”.

Twilight stepped out into the dream world.

“Hey.” said Twilight to the bald man.

“Oh, hey. Your entire existence is based on a series of bets made between a late man and a straight man about what you and your friends will do. It’s all a thought experiment within the mind of a man faced with an impossible choice who wants to remind himself of the values of friendship. That is why your personalities change so drastically each day.” he said in reply.

“The only free will we have is the choice of whether or not to believe in free will.” said Twilight.

“Fair enough.” said the bald man.

Pinkie Pie then drunk four shots of absinthe. She then ate ten tubs of Mackie’s brand ice cream. Honeycomb flavour. She then ate some Big Time brand Jelly. Recently, she had been gaining some weight. Luna had replied.

“I can’t ever return home. Ass may taste good, but nothing can replace the taste of a lollipop made of condensed love. Love, Luna.”

Pinkie then sat on her fat ass and watched Freddy Got Fingered. She then dressed herself up in various Supreme outfits. After that, she ate a donut. Then she tormented Fluttershy by pretending to be a member of the Despacito cult going to attack her. She then masturbated and went to sleep.

While out and about the next day, (Pinkie paid no heed to the traumatised Fluttershy within her abide except to traumatise her further) she noticed Tabasko’s corpse. She was sad that someone so lit and well-versed in Supreme could have died. She gave him a funeral by dumping him into the river. She then stole some money from an abandoned McDonald’s even though money wasn’t worth anything anymore (force of habit) and poured herself a soda. The soda was Cherry Coke mixed with Lemon Pepsi.

Twilight then woke up in the cave her corpse had been dumped in. Her body had decomposed slightly but otherwise she was fine. Next to her body, the word “Zanahary” was carved. She got out of the cave and ran the hell away from Ponyville. She forgave nobody. She hated herself and rightfully so. What had become of everyone? Not much. She kept running until Ponyville was no longer visible. Then she ran a bit more. Then she collapsed in a field.

Pinkie Pie cried while wriggling in her futon. She farted. Fluttershy didn’t talk anymore. Pinkie now tried to feed her but Fluttershy only stared at her with such fearful eyes. Those eyes made Pinkie feel so guilty that she just ate Flutter’s food anyway. She was so fat. Even when skeletal, Fluttershy was still beautiful in her own way. Pinkie just felt sad which made her want to eat more. Some people tried to break into their house. Pinkie brained them over the head with a Supreme brick.

Twilight starved to death. The Gods kept sending her back but Twilight just wanted to die. That was it. She floated up into the sky and was confronted by a golden orb. Twilight felt pretty happy. A few miles away, Fluttershy died and Pinkie continued to eat herself to death. Twilight just smiled. She forgave them all. She was the bitchiest. Maybe. She probably wouldn’t have gone as far as to bully a mentally ill person. Twilight then got carried by the golden orb into a beautiful escapist world in which her friends were what they used to be and she could pretend to be a good person. And you know what? She had the right to it. There was nowhere else to go. How can you look at a world like that and say a pony has no right to bury themselves in escapism?