Chapters 2/12/08
I woke up like any morning to the sound of my alarms clock’s loud beeping filling the bedroom of my single-wide trailer about two miles from the edge of Blaksville Mississippi, my dogs were barking like usual my German Shepard Fenrir was the loudest of them all he was all black and 9 years old. My other German Shepard was Dogmeat he was a brown dog as you can guess he’s based off of the dog from Fallout but that’s besides the point, I also had a corgi named Woofer (don’t ask) he was a light brown like most and he spent a lot of time inside with my cat Cucumber she was barely a year old and quite overweight, she was grey and mainly climbed around the house or sat in the windowsill she was very nice and sweet one of the reasons I loved her. I got out of bed my feet touching the shag carpet of my
I finished pouring my coffee and i put on my brown Carhartt jacket and brown work boots and walked out into the backyard to watch the passing freight. Today’s freight was fairly different instead of a single D&B SD70ace it was lead by a D&B SD70ace and a AMRX SD60 standard connected back-to-back followed by the 50 empties, I found the reason for the second unit when instead of a single breakbox 15 loaded autoracks rolled by behind the hoppers followed by a single M&D SD40-3. I walked back inside and grabbed my hardhat and reflective vest and walked to the front yard and out to my red 1989 Ford F250. Climbing in I started it heading to Canterlot where Black County Yard was located it was a massive 13 mile by 13 mile rail yard with 2 engine shops and several large sheds with over a hundred trains passing through each day you could hear the yard for miles hell I could just make it out over the sounds of the other nearby yard Wilkinson Yard. It was a twenty minute drive down Highway 23 south passing along the Union Pacific mainline.
I reached Canterlot at 6:35 AM stopping at a traffic light appearing out of place with the new clean cars waiting as well it made my truck look like a pile of crap however I was not embarrassed by this I wasn’t one of the types of people to throw out old things half of the stuff I owned was ten years or older the truck itself was almost twenty I myself Arron Tyler Thattchir was 35 years old tall, fit, bald, and bearded I had seen a lot of shit in my time my dad Allen Thattchir had died back in 05 my mom just had her three kids Me, my younger brother Blake, and my baby sister Lexi, I call her a baby cause she was the youngest at this time she would be 27. The light turned green and my truck rumbled across the intersection nearing the crossing that was next Canterlot High School and the roadway that lead to Black County Yard. As I approached the gates went down blocking my path a freight train lead by 4 GC&N GP20’s pulling a train of grain hoppers past at 30 MPH.
The train cleared after five minutes allowing me to cross, on the west side of the school was an intersection leading down a rough street I never got the name but it was there. I barely got my self across the crossing before a grey 2003 Camry cut in front of me from the intersection.
“What the fuck dude?” I said angrily.
I continued to the turn off on the gravel road leading to BCY that went into the woods and crossed the tracks with a simple cross buck and nothing else leading into the yard. My job was secondary head engineer meaning I was a co-owner of the M&D Railroad I mainly drove freight trains but occasionally i drove passenger trains. I parked my truck in front of the main office and walked in finding my brother primary head engineer Blake Thattchir he was shorter than me by two inches and had black hair with short hair and a long beard fairly thin.
“So what train we takin today?” I said shaking his hand
“Well we’re taking 6903 that old s2” said Blake in the voice of a man in his 20’s
We both walked outside to where it was sitting about three tracks away from the building, it was black and had MD written on the side in white with a line through it, below the name was 6903 also in white the engine sat silent making no noise. We started the engine it growled almost as if it were angry like almost all old Alco’s did this one having been built in 1945. I sat down in the operators seat and my brother just opposite of me in the conductors seat, I put the locomotive in reverse and backed towards a point that had been switched picking up the radio handset and talking to dispatch asking if we were clear to proceed. Once I passed the point Blake climbed off of the locomotive and switched the point towards the southbound main. Blake climbed into the cab and we started off
“So what do we gotta pick up?” I said to Blake still keeping my eyes on the tracks
“We’re going to that siding near Claston to pick up three covered hoppers and take them to Thompson and Sons Feed Mill, after that we’re gonna pick some freight cars from that siding near mile post 459 then we’ll be getting most of the day off cause we’re taking a train to the coast at 7:30 PM tonight.” Said Blake looking at a clipboard.
We reached the siding and coupled the hoppers to front backing out of the siding i had my seat turned around operating the engine in reverse heading towards the branch that lead T&S Feed Mill.
“So what’s life been like since you got outta halfway?” said Blake attempting to make conversation
I hesitated before answering keeping my eyes on the tracks “it’s been......alright i’m still getting used to not having to go to those meetings everyday the house is pretty fucking cluttered and the fridge ain’t hooked properly, so i’m currently living off chips Gatorade and McDonald’s that’s kinda it but my motorcycle’s coming along nicely.”
It was now several hours later and I was sitting in a coffee shop in Canterlot near Commuter Station 6 it had some old style poster of express trains on them while most were new and from recent additions to the express services such as the Red Line steam express train all of them done in an older style as I sipped from my coffee as i had to stay awake for the long run ahead of me having only been up an hour the sun was already down like most winters a young woman walked in I can’t exactly describe her as she would be out of place anywhere else in Mississippi hell in the world she would be out of place, as she sat down she let out a long drawn out sigh not in annoyance but more out of sadness she was leaning her head into her hand and tapping her finger onto the table almost as if she were waiting for something like a man to burst through the door and shoot her. I kept watch over her from the corner of my eye sipping from my black coffee as I did I felt I should do something as if it could make a difference I felt like maybe I should try and make up for all the pain I caused others as an alcoholic so I got up and walked over to her saying “alright you seem troubled what’s wrong?”
Author's Note
the logo of the M&D consists of the following A rectangle with two others connected to it and M&D written inside the paint being green and the writing in the logo black and the logo itself white, a circle with silhouette of a dog with its head held high, the final is white lettering reading MD with a white line across it and the number below it only around 30 diesels have this it’s mostly on steam engines
2/12/08
I woke up like any morning to the sound of my alarm’s shrill beeping snapping me out of sleep greeting me to another miserable day on earth. I reached for the alarm clock hitting the snooze button before rolling over and trying to go back to sleep, I did find sleep but woke up quickly after realizing I was nearly an hour late. I threw the covers off of my body exposing it to the cold air inside the house I must have forgot to turn the heat on last night I jumped from the bed and ran over to the closet quickly grabbing my usual outfit and quickly getting dressed and walking out the door forgetting to lock it and hopping into my grey 2003 Camry and started it ripping out of my driveway and tearing down the street nearly hitting my mailbox as I did so. I sped down the street running the stop sign luckily there was no police officer like normal so I was able to get away with it this time. I turned onto the road next to the school hearing the sound of tires squealing and a long horn, I looked in the mirror and saw a red 1989 F250 with mud covering the front fender and bumper and several dents on the sides and a broken headlight not busted just not working at least that’s what it looked like. I pulled into the schools parking lot and got out locking my car door behind me and walking into the large brick building that was the school. I entered my office and sat down at my desk opening the computer. I typed my password into the space next to a photo of me smiling the same smile I’ve been faking for three years, it had been a hard few years since my dad died all I had left was my sister Luna but now we only really interact at work and didn’t talk much. We used to be the best of friends now all I can do is just look back on memories but even then my smile would fade when I was brought back to this grim reality of being stuck in this job as a principal. Not that I didn’t like my job but, it was annoying to say the least.
I did enjoy helping students but at times I would be called to breakup fights and console students who were upset this was the most annoying part of the job, I often had to file paperwork and stuff like that so I was on the computer most of the day not moving around a lot yet I was quite thin, though it was because I didn’t eat much never felt right eating a lot at once. it was now 8:30 AM and all I could hear from my office near the front door was the sound of a loaded coal train passing the weight making the tracks groan loudly since the school was right next to the tracks, while the groaning was muffled it still gave me a headache. I rubbed my temples before reaching in my desk and grabbing a bottle of Advil and taking one before going back to typing on my computer assembling the report cards for the 9th grade students at this point it was nearly 2:30 PM and almost time for me to get off of work so far today had been uneventful accept I had to break up a fight between two students they both got suspended and I went back to work.
I was about to leave early I had told Luna to take over since I wasn’t feeling well, the truth was I was contemplating suicide when I got home I was gonna down an entire bottle of pills and vodka and to make sure I died I was gonna slit my wrists putting deep cuts into them to ensure that I would quickly bleed out but beforehand i was gonna write my suicide note and leave it on the kitchen table. I had been planning this for months and I was now ready I pulled my car into the driveway and got out walking into my house throwing my purse onto the couch and walking to my bathroom and opening the mirror grabbing the pill bottle shutting the mirror I saw tears streaming down my face as I left and walked into the kitchen finding the bottle of vodka I had saved for times like this. I hesitated as I took the cap off sitting the bottle down and walking into my room and laying down in bed kicking my shoes off and rolling onto my side falling asleep.
I woke up at 6:35 PM still kinda tired the thoughts of suicide having faded from my mind, I got up from the bed and put on my shoes I walked into my living room and grabbed my purse walking outside I locked the door behind me and walked to my car climbing in and started it up driving off. I pulled down one of the streets into a coffee shop near one of the commuter stations a freight train sitting in front of the platform the first of four engines parked just beyond the platform sitting in idle painted a dark green the front headlights shining brightly in the dark. I walked into the shop and saw few people just the women at the counter and a fairly large man who turned to look at me before returning to his coffee I don’t know why but I felt kinda threatened by him he seemed to be dangerous the fact he had a piece of his ear missing and a large scar next to his right eye didn’t help. Instead of ordering coffee I just sat down in a table across from his booth and let out a long sigh, I could feel him watching me from the corner of his eye. I noticed a large pistol strapped to his side felt even more uncomfortable I would have gotten up and told the lady about it but he got up and walked over to me saying in a deep southern voice
“Alright you seem troubled whats wrong?”
A Fairly Long Conversation
2/12/08
Arron sat down across from her still wearing his hardhat and vest from earlier he also looking as if he had just woken up except he looked as if he were well rested having intended to sleep. The warm smile he showed made her feel more comfortable seeing that he wasn’t an apparent threat at least at the moment. On thing she noticed was his left eye sagged slightly and his left hand appeared to be a bit shaky as he rested it next to his cup.
“Uh i’m.....sure lets talk.” said Celestia nervously
“Alright my Name’s Arron Thattchir, and you are?”
“um...Celestia that’s about it.” said Celestia smiling sheepishly
“That’s gotta be the most normal name in this town, anyways what do ya do for a living?”
“I’m the principal at the high school you know the really large building near the rail yard.”
“Interesting i’m with the M&D the guys with green trains that have a dog on the front, not to be confused with Burlington Northern those guys haven’t been active for nearly 13 years anyways I’ve been with the M&D since 07 but I have about 4 years experience driving trains I did with the C&R before I became an alcoholic.”
“So...you’re an alcoholic?” said Celestia questionably.
“N-no I was I know you noticed the eye and the shaky hand I got those from nerve damage I just got outta halfway a month ago and have been living in Blaksville for the past month, anyways what’s wrong you seem pretty......bad?”
“Well” Celestia paused before continuing “I’ve been depressed for about 3 years and I’m the only one who knows the problem is no one......asks about me anymore both my parents have been dead for 5 years and that’s about it.”
“Well I ain’t gonna force ya to tell me stuff you don’t want to I got about 50 minutes till I gotta go why don’t we talk a bit more it gets pretty damn boring just sitting here waiting and I can’t keep replaying war flashbacks over in my head.”
“So you were in the Army?”
“Actually the US Marine Corps still fought in the Dark War 1993-1996 and 1998-2003 it took a toll on my mind that’s why I became an alcoholic, I caught my wife Annette cheating on me while visiting from Halfway in 2003 we divorced and she keeps trying to get back to me it’s fucking annoying my neighbor Thomas caught her trying to break into my house one night.”
“So you used to be married i’m guessing you’re single?”
“Yeah my last date we didn’t last five minutes now I don’t mean to sound bigoted or nothing but she hated Christians and i’m a devout baptist but....yeah you get the idea.”
“You got any siblings? I have a sister named Luna we don’t talk much even though we work at the same place she’s vice-principal at CHS.”
“Well I got 2 my younger brother Blake we’re coworkers and my younger sister Lexi she’s working somewhere in Cali I ain’t talked to her since 98 that’s near about 10 years.”
“So do you own guns or anything like that?” Celestia felt kid of stupid for asking this since she could obviously see the revolver at his side and she was expecting him to treat her almost as if she were stupid since they both knew about the gun at his hip.
“Well I got the Colt on me right now and I’ve also got 5 others a TAC-12 assault Rifle, an AR15, a Beretta M9, a Winchester 12 gauge pump action shotgun, and a .44 caliber rifle that’s all the one I got at my house I own more but there at my moms house in Meridian my dad died back in 05 due to a head-on collision with a semi killed him instantly, they ended burying him in Arlington he fought in WW2 from 1958-1963 (alternate universe) I was in the 21 gun salute when they buried him it was rough we were pretty close.”
“That sounds rough my dad was truck driver he died in 95 when he was hit by a train except....... he didn’t die instantly he died three days later when they took him off the ventilator he never fought in any war and he wasn’t home much he actually went to Mississippi a few times we lived in Wisconsin and I moved here 5 years ago for college I graduated and ended up as a teacher and then a principal it’s been that way since, so where’d you say you’re taking the train to?”
“Weston in Port County down on the coast cut the engines from the train and park em, then I gotta take 2 SD40’s halfway back to here and then pick up some empty hoppers and haul them to BCY the units we got on this train at the lead are 2 M&D SD45’s, a Penn Central C636. and a Gulf Coast and Northern GP9 and about a hundred mixed cars on the back with a single M&D SD60M on the back.” Arron looked at the clock seeing it was now 7:19 PM “now I got about 11 minutes till I gotta leave what else ya wanna know?”
“Well” she thought for a moment “what kinda cars do you have?”
“Well I gotta red 89 F250, a black 1970 Ford Torino damn things older than me i was born in 72 but my motorcycles a bit younger than my dad he was born in 41 my motorcycle’s a 43 Harley Davidson US Army model pretty damn cool if you ask me I finally got it’s engine hooked together now I gotta find a fuel tank for it and.....that ain’t easy.” Arron looked at the clock and saw it was 7:26 PM “I better leave I gotta be out of the station by at least 7:31 any later and the schedule’s screwed over i’ll talk later.” he quickly drank the coffee and got up.
“Wait” said Celestia grabbing his arm “maybe we should exchange numbers so we can talk later.”
“Well you’re gonna have to put yours in mine cause I can’t for the life of me figure that shit out.” he pulled out his phone and handed it to her.
She typed her number into his and she typed his number into hers they shook hands and Arron walked outside 300 feet to the west of the building to the commuter station climbing in the cab of the SD45 and sitting down in the cab Blake having already situated himself in front of the controls looking out the window seeing a red signal for their track.
“So Arron what was happening in there?” said Blake looking at him
“Talked to a woman she was nice exchanged number probably gonna talk more later” said Arron keeping his eyes in front of him
“What no name or age nothing?” said Blake confused.
That’’s it” said Arron as a commuter train passed slowing to a stop next to the train the signal changing to green allowing Arron to pull the train forward.
Author's Note
It has been two months since they met however their relationship hasn’t really advanced past the occasional phone call but things will soon change let’s see how they’re doing.
Couple Months Later
4/14/08
Arron leaned against the counter early Friday morning holding the newspaper in his right hand and his coffee in his left hand his refrigerator was now properly hooked up the temperature had risen quite a bit since February now reaching the 80’s meaning that he would no longer be wearing a jacket. Arron wore a black “Don’t Tread on Me” shirt, blue jeans, brown boots, and aviator sunglasses that had some cuts on the front of the left shoe. Under his shirt you could barely make out the bottom of his cross tattoo on his right arm and the Marine Corps tattoo on his left. Arron’s phone rang in his pocket as he sipped from the white Confederate flag cup with his coffee in it, he sat the cup down and pulled his phone out of his pocket.
Arron answered it with the usual “sup buddy.”
Celestia sounded as if she were in some sort of distress “hey Arron can you come get me? My car broke down and I really need to get to the school.”
Arron sighed and said “alright bud I’ll be where?”
“On the side of Highway 23 south.”
“Alright i’ll be there in about 10 minutes.”
Arron closed the phone and put it in his pocket and placed the newspaper down on the counter and walking out to his truck that had changed over the course of 2 months it had a wench on the front bumper, and a toolbox mounted at the front of the bed. Arron started the truck and pulled out of his driveway and down the road leading to the highway, he turned onto the highway and drove south on the four-way road. He found Celestia sitting on the hood of her car an angered expression on her face. Arr on pulled his truck over and got out
“Pop the hood” said Arron walking over to the car.
Celestia opened the hood of the car and Arron began to look over its engine before saying “what happened?”
“I hit a raccoon and after five minutes the engine began to smoke.” said Celestia worriedly.
“Might’ve busted the radiator you got a jack? ya know the thing that lifts the cars.”
“No I don’t” said starting to sound even more upset that she was now late for work.
“I got one in my truck” said Arron walking over to his truck
Arron lowered the tailgate and reached towards the front grabbing a red heavy duty jack by the handle and rolled it towards him. He lifted it up and sat it on the ground rolling it over to her car and placing it under the front bumper and lifting up the car. Arron took off his shirt revealing a white tank top t shirt.
He got on the ground and slid himself under the car and said to her “Don’t lean on the car and hold these” Arron took off his sunglasses reveling his brown eyes Arron sighed and said “need a flashlight”
Arron slid out and walked over to his truck opening the passenger door and opened the glove box pulling a long black flashlight out of it and walking back over to the car sliding back under it and shining the light under the radiator.
“Poor some water into the radiator and if it starts leaking out then you have a busted radiator.”
Celestia grabbed the bottle of water in her cup holder and began to poor it into the open radiator, the faint sound of water dripping could be heard as she did so.
“Yep it’s busted” Arron slid out from under the car and grabbed his shirt that he sat on the tail gate of his truck and said “Get all the stuff you aren’t willing to lose out of the car lower the hood and lock the door I got the day off so i’ll come get it later with my trailer if anyone drives this they ain’t getting far i’m taking you to work.”
Arron put his shirt on and climbed into his truck starting it, about 1 minute later Celestia got in the truck holding her purse she buckled her seat belt and sat her purse in the center of the seat and folded her hands in her lap as Arron changed gears using the stick shift and turned around heading in the direction of Canterlot. The old loud engine was barely muffled by the cab that looked old the doors were lined with plastic most of it around the bottom having been cracked and the dashboard was almost completely missing and so was the defrost vent, Arron’s side of the seat was covered with a towel tied to the seat by zip ties covering a large chunk that was missing on his side of it. A somewhat crudely installed wench control that could be slid out sat on top of the console with 2 switches one for out the other for in. A cross dangled from the mirror moving from side to side slightly as they drove, the reached the crossing next to the school the sun now all the way up and the sky clear and next to the crossings were men with cameras on tripods lots of them about 10 all of them had their cameras facing the tracks. As they crossed Arron looked down the tracks seeing the 4 distinct headlights of an AR-17 2 on the top of the cab, and one on each side of the bottom, and the sound of a distant A200 air horn it was distinct as it was one of the only air horns used on american trains that sounded like a buzzer and was one of the oldest air horns used on diesels.
Celestia looked over to Arron “so why are there so many people with cameras out here?”
Arron turned his truck into the parking lot as he said “some sort of steam festival a bunch of old steam locomotives are coming into town even old M&B 116 is coming outta retirement to do it so all these railfans are getting out even though the festival ain’t till tomorrow they wanna get some footage of other trains.” Arron stopped his truck “alright i’ll talk to you later now i’m gonna go watch that train.”
Celestia got out of the car “by Arron i’ll talk to you later.” she shut the door and walked into the school as Arron drove off.
Author's Note
Celestia receives a call at the right time and this is how it turns out
if you’re wondering what UP 4141 looks like look it up by typing in UP 4141 (this wasn’t an insult)
More Than A Phone Call
4/15/08
Celestia’s fingers trembled as she sat the not on her pillow holding the razor blade in her right hand she was now sobbing loudly she was surprised that her neighbors didn’t hear, or at least care enough to check on her. She shakily placed the razor on her wrist and slowly pressed it down. She jerked it up as her phone rang she put down the razor blade it was still light outside the light barely shining through her curtains. She wore a red t shirt that fit tight around her, black slip on pants, and white socks with her hair tied in a ponytail. She answered the phone
“h-hello” said Celestia nervously wiping a tear from her eye.
“Hey can you come over? We ought get to know each other a bit better if we’re gonna be buddies.”
“S-sure but my car isn’t fixed yet so I can’t drive.”
“Don’t worry i’ll be over in about 20 minutes hope ya don’t mind riding in my truck.” Said Arron following with a laugh.
“N-no I don’t mind not at all.” said Celestia happily.
The phone line clicked as Arron hung up the sun was now setting and it would be dark by the time Arron reached her house and got her to his but she didn’t mind she was just happy that Arron had called at the right time. Arron walked out to his truck and got in starting it, he pulled out of his driveway and down the road leading to highway 23 tuning the station to 105.7 Classic Country and continued on to the sound of Alabama. Celstia lay curled up in her bed when she heard a knock at her door it was Arron the sun having already set it was now dark outside. Celestia quickly got up and ran to the door nearly slipping on the hardwood floor she opened the door and greeted Arron smiling.
“So you ready to go?”
“Sure just let me get my shoes on” Celestia grabbed her blue tennis shoes and walked over to her couch
Arron was wearing a black Amon Amarth shirt, a red work shirt unbuttoned, bluejeans, and brown boots with aviator sunglasses hooked to his shirt.
“Alright i’m ready” said Celestia smiling, she was noticeably shorter than him at around 5’7 tall as well as noticeably lighter Arron weighing in at 213 lbs while she weighed only 140 lbs.
They both walked outside to the truck Arron climbed into the drivers side and Celestia into the passenger side, Arron backed his truck out of the driveway heading down her street.
“Thank you” said Celestia quietly.
“What was that?” said Arron keeping his eyes on the road
“NOTHING......nothing just talking to myself” said Celestia nervously.
“Now that was an outburst” said Arron chuckling as he reached for the gearshift .
They finally reached his house and Arron stopped the truck, he got out the dim overhead cab light barely lighting the cab. He slammed the door and Celestia followed him out and to his house the sound of his 2 German Shepherds barking as he walked over to steps lit dimly by the porch light a car passing on the road behind them its headlights the only thing visible but Arron knew it was the same car that had been passing for the past 2 weeks at the same time between 5:30 PM and 12:35 AM everyday. Arron opened the door to be greeted by Woofer, he rubbed his head and walked over to the couch and motioned for her to sit down which she did across from him on the couch as he reached for the remote and turned on the TV.
“Alright you wanna watch a movie? All I really got that’s good is Saving Private Ryan and 300 it’s your choice both have a lot of killing but I prefer 300 it’s just fucking awesome.”
“Um.....what’s 300 about?”
“It’s about the Spartans the best damn ancient army in fucking history!”
“Okay and what’s that Private Ryan movie about?”
“Its about a group of soldiers just of D-Day sent after a US Army Private it’s also fucking awesome.”
“The first one I guess.”
“Alright Saving Private Ryan it is.”
He walked over to the the DVD player and grabbed the case opening up he put the DVD in and set the TV up to play it.
Before sitting down he said “Wanna drink or something?”
“Y-you got any water?” said Celestia nervously
“Sure” Arron walked into the kitchen “you seem pretty nervous what’s wrong?” said Arron as he sat back down holding a bottle of water and a bottle of Coke
“Arron can I tell you something?”
“Sure why not” said Arron as he paused the movie
“Before you called......I was....going to kill myself” upon saying this she burst into tears.
Arron wrapped his arms around her in a hug she had been expecting him to react the same way her abusive mother had acted while her dad was away the many ties she had attempted suicide before even being diagnosed with depression but this came as a shock. She felt as if Arron was to only one to really care.
It’s alright just let it all out” said Arron patting her on the back.
Right as he said this his cellphone rang and he answered it finding it to be Blake, he unwrapped his arms from around her and answered
“Howdy howdy howdy.”
“Hey Arron can you come down here? I need your help working on my car.”
“You had to ask me right now? I’ll be there by 7:45 see ya then.” Arron hung up “So you wanna come with me or go back home?”
She thought for a second before saying “I’ll come with you I wanna meet your brother.”
“Alright lets go.”
They both walked outside to Arron’s truck as the same car passed by his house yet again heading in the opposite direction, he got in the truck with Celestia getting in beside him as he began to start the truck. They backed out of the driveway and Arron reached for the radio and turned the radio up
“Well hell Christmas in Dixie I was about 13 when this came out it’s a motherfucking classic my friend.” Then Arron began to sing along “Christmas in Dixie it’s snowing in the pines.”
“Can you please stop i’m not in the mood”
Arron turned down the radio “alright if you wanna talk we can I know you’re in a bad spot and if ya wanna keep talking about it maybe we can it’s gonna be about 2 hours till we get to Meridian.”
“F-fine my mom was abusive and never showed me any love unless my dad was around but it was all fake like my smile I hadn’t been truly happy since I was 10 when the abuse started and even my ex was abusive it lasted 4 years and he’s still trying to get me back.” She began to quietly sob as the truck rolled to a stop in front of a railroad crossing with nothing but a cross buck and 2 red lights flashing over the sound of a Nathan K5LLA air horn as a freight train lead by Union Pacific 4141 and 2 M&D SD60 wide nosed diesels followed by 67 mixed freight cars.
“Well looks like we could be here for some time that things moving at around 39 miles per hour may as well pass the time.” Said Arron reaching into the the glove box and pulled out a round whetstone “So i’m gonna sharpen my knife.”
Arron pulled his pocket knife out opening it he began to sharpen it rubbing each side against the stone as the train rumbled by.
Celestia sighed “why do you like trains?”
Arron stopped sharpening and turned to her chuckling “how can ya not?”
“aren’t they kinda....loud and annoying?”
“Well yes they are annoying on occasion like if you’re tryna sleep or concentrate but not when you’re wanting to see them or when you’re inside, also they’re supposed to be loud to warn people but of course idiots can’t understand that you’re supposed to stop I’ve seen well over 100 drive in front of me and at least 20 of them got hit AT LEAST!” Arron was now sounding angry “sorry about that I occasionally have outbursts but those people are idiots” Arron was now calmed down by then the train was clear.
They pulled into Blake’s driveway the property being an old single story ranch style house and a metal building inside the metal building sat a red 1969 Camaro with the hood open. Arron shut off the engine and got out walking over to Blake.
“Howdy bruh.” said Arron shaking Blake’s hand
To which Blake responded with “Sup dude”
Celestia nervously walked over to them both
“Oh yeah this is the girl I was talking about a couple months back her names Celestia and that’s about it.”
“H-hi” said Celestia nervously
“Howdy” responded Blake “anyways dude we need to check out my car.”
“Sure thing bro” said Arron as they all walked over to the shop.
Author's Note
Title explanation title is based off the song The Keeper of The Stars by Tracy Byrd you’ll see when you read
(Typedfrom my grandmothers laptop)
Keeper Of The Stars
4/19/08
Arron stared at the bottle on the counter it was clear with a black label that read Jim Beam on it filled with an amber liquid. Arron wore a turquoise work shirt, a white t shirt, bluejeans, and brown work boots his hand were placed on the side of his head as he stared at the bottle taunting in a way as if he were a cat with a piece of yarn being dangled in front of him dangling it just out of reach. Yet he could easily walk over and grab it, open the top, and down the entire bottle. Arron quickly got up, walked over to the counter, and grabbed it he then walked to his room grabbing a wooden box placing the bottle inside and closing the top locking it up. He grabbed the box holding it against his side in his left hand and walked outside and to his shop grabbing a round point shovel that was leaning next to the large barn door type entrance and walking behind his house sitting the box on the ground and sticking the shovel into the ground it was midday and the sun shone down on him as he dug humming the song Attero Dominatus to himself until the hole was 2 feet deep. He threw the shovel onto the ground it landing with a clang.
“That ought be deep enough” said Arron
He picked up the box and got on his knee placing the box gently in the hole and grabbing the shovel using it to pull himself up, he stared into the hole an angry expression on his face. He began to shovel the dirt into the hole mumbling to himself as he did, Arron jumped as the loud rumble of 3 GE U25c’s pulling a train of a single Conrail boxcar, 45 tankers, and a single breakbox the locomotives belong to the Meridian and Bigbee painted in the old paint yellow stripes on the front nose and the back, painted black, and with Meridian and Bigbee written in yellow with the road numbers below that also in yellow roaring by at 60 MPH. Arron patted the dirt on top and walked back to his shop to put the shovel up when his phone rang in his shirt pocket, he pulled it out of his pocket opening it he answered.
“Howdy howdy howdy what the hell’s good?”
“Hey uh Arron it’s me Celestia and.....I was wondering if you wanted to come to town or something?” said Celestia nervously
Arron chuckled “well.....I was fixing to head that way and see if ya’ll had a hardware store that sold that Quikrete stuff i’ll be there in maybe 20 minutes see ya then”
“Oh that’s great could you meet me near downtown at 3rd Street?”
“Sure if I can find the damn place i’ll see you in maybe 20 years” Arron laughed and hung the phone up
Arron climbed into his truck and started it up backing out of the driveway and began to head towards Canterlot. Arron arrived in Canterlot and looked at the street sign finding it said Wilson Street so he turned down this street passing by people that were looking at him weirdly he was very out of place being a Caucasian man in his 30’s with a muddy and dented 19 year old truck wasn’t very normal In Canterlot. He finally arrived where Celestia was standing after an hour of driving in circles.
“So i’m finally here it took a little less time than I thought but i’m here.” said Arron chuckling
Celestia climbed into the truck and buckled her seat belt “Hi Arron so you wanna go get lunch?”
“Eh why the hell not” said Arron leaning on the steering wheel.
As they drove Celestia’s phone rang it was Luna
“hey Luna” said Celestia in a somewhat happy voice
"Hey um Celestia can you come over?"
"Well i'm with somebody right now but I guess we can come over."
Arron looked over to her with an annoyed expression on his face before turning back towards the road.
"Good I'll see you then"
Celestia hung up her phone and put it in the pocket of her yellow shorts
"What the hell dude?" said Arron chuckling "now i'm another fucking detour just tell me where the hell i'm supposed to go"
"Just turn down this street here and its the third house on the left."
"Alright"
Arron turned down the street heading east and parked in front of the third house on his side and shut off the truck pressing down the parking break it clicking loudly as he pressed it onto the floor. Arron opened the door and pulled a box of Marlboro Blue 72 cigarettes out of his shirt pocket and a camouflage flip lighter, he pulled a cigarette out of the box with his lip and lit it he put the lighter in his pocket and put his index and middle fingers on the cigarette and took a drag from it blowing the smoke out of mouth. He placed the cigarette between his lips and walked up to the door knocking loudly 3 times.
Luna opened the door and a look of shock appeared on her face "who are you?' Said Luna confused
"I'm PearlJamFan1972 on Myspace, I'm Arron Thattchir i'm with your sister who'd you expect Tommy Wiseau" Arron Chuckled.
"Arron stop" said Celestia angrily
"What can't a guy be himself?" said Arron chuckling.
"She's my sister stop acting like that around her" said Celestia still angry.
Arron sighed and said "fine i'll stop."
They both walked inside Arron sitting in a red recliner having put the cigarette out in a potted plant at the front door.
"So what do ya'll think about me getting another tattoo looks like 2 serpents wrapping around my arm in a spiral? Cause I think it'll look bad ass."
Luna looked at him and said "why don't I get all of you a drink"
"Coffee" said Arron looking at his arm "I think it'll look pretty damn bad ass" said Arron as Luna walked away.
Luna brought Arron his coffee in a white cup with steam coming off from inside the cup, Arron sipped from the cup slowly and sat it on his leg.
"So Arron I noticed your tattoo" said Luna curiously
"Oh yeah" said Arron lifting his sleeve "that's my Marines tattoo I got it in 97 when I turned 25 I also got a cross tattoo" Arron lifted his other sleeve showing a simple red cross that was nothing fancy just a simple red colored cross.
"So you were a Marine?" said Luna questionably.
"Yep I got a few scars from the 3 on my back from tank shrapnel protecting a little Russian girl back in 2001 a couple days after 9/11 they took about 40 outta my camp to go to the middle east and sent 20 home, I was unlucky enough to be stuck in Russian territory during this time the Nazi's had control of about 200 miles along the Russian border we were marching to the Nazi territory and they attacked we were with the Spetsnaz when it happened"
"Can I see?" said Luna.
"Sure why not" Arron took off his work shirt and lifted his t shirt showing three long marks facing different directions that were a dark red. "I also got shot three times in my chest" said Arron as he turned around and lifted his shirt showing his chest were 3 indention's on his chest in an almost triangular form. Arron lowered his shirt and said "I gotta go take a piss."
As Arron walked out Luna said to Celestia "well he's a bit of a dick."
"How so?" Said Celestia questionably.
"Well you heard how highly he talked of himself."
"I didn't hear it he spoke of himself like he was just there and was no one special."
"Well he seemed entitled to me like he thinks he's some decorated war hero or something"
Celestia got really angry "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WAR DID TO HI-" Celestia pause as Arron walked back into the living room
"What's going on here?''
"Arron we are leaving" said Celestia angrily as she grabbed him by the arm and lead him outside.
Celestia climbed into Arron's truck and Arron into the drivers seat, Arron started the truck and pulled out of his parking place and onto the street.
"So what was that back there?" Said Arron sounding concerned as he drove
Celestia was curled up in the passenger seat "n-nothing....just take me somewhere I can calm down."
"Alright i'm taking you where I go to calm down" said Arron as he turned down the street leading to the highway. as he did the song The Keeper of The Stars began to play and Arron turned it up and hummed along to it smiling as he did so.
Ten minutes later Arron slowed down after passing under a large red truss bridge with a pole between the two sets of lanes with a separate truss on each side of the pole a single set of railroad tracks crossing the structure. Arron pulled his truck over and shut it off getting out, he walked over to her window and waved his hand to signal her to come on as he walked up the slope and sat down 20 feet away from the west side of the bridge.
Celestia sat next to him and said "why are we here?"
"Well you said you wanted to calm down and since Keeper of The Stars didn't appear to help to well judging by how you just ignored it I figured it would be better to sit here and watch the trains."
As he did a passenger train lead by 3 E9's arranged in A-B-A painted in NY&C livery the top half painted yellow and the bottom grey pulling the Starliner Deluxe express passenger train passed, the train itself being 15 cars long.
After the train passed Celestia said jokingly "Doesn't seem very calm does it?"
"Well....it's an acquired taste" aid Arron with a chuckle.
Celestia didn't focus on this however she instead kept looking at him Arron however didn't notice this he was to busy looking at the railroad tracks waiting for the next train which he believed wouldn't be for at least another 20 minutes but Celestia did something crazy she grabbed his shoulder spun him to face her and kissed him on the lips. Rather than pull away Arron wrapped his arms around her and went along with it they kissed for 5 minutes before they were snapped out of it by a train horn 2 short blasts and 1 long blast the train being to P&S SD40-2's and a transfer box (caboose)
Arron pulled away and said "must be Jimmy Wilcox he always does his horn that way" Arron chuckled but Celestia just sat silently and stared at Arron as he looked at the tracks.
Author's Note
Also typed from my grandmothers computer
Put the Russian and German through Google Translate if you can't read it
Nightmare
9/13/01
Arron woke up he was in USMC jungle camouflage pants, a green t shirt, and combat boots a Beretta M9 strapped to his side. He got up from his cot located in a tent in a military camp it was cold and they were 20 miles from the border of Ukraine which had been taken by the Nazi's many months earlier, they were in Russia near a small poor farmers town known as Telarum. Arron had no hair and short beard if you could call it that it was barely visible, Arron put on his camouflage jacket and Kevlar vest and helmet with a flashlight attached, he grabbed his backpack loaded with rations and medical supplies and his TAC-12 assault rifle walking over to his commander a large middle aged man in the same uniform as him who had short blonde hair and a stern face
"Commander Wilkinson" said Arron in his young voice holding his right hand in a salute.
"Corporal Thattchir at ease" said Commander Wilkinson in a stern voice.
Arron lowered his hand and placed his hands behind his back "what are my orders sir?" said Arron in a loud monotone voice
"You are to accompany the early morning patrol they're with the Spetsnaz so you'll be speaking Russian" said Wilkinson sternly.
"Sir yes sir" said Arron before walking to where the patrol was it being 15 Marine Corps soldiers, 15 Spetsnaz soldiers, and 2 T-35 tanks that sat running. Arron was the leader of this squad since he was one of the few who spoke fluent Russian so he could communicate better, one of the Russian soldiers came up in Jungle Camo and a red beret.
"Сэр, мы обнаружили вражескую активность в пять кликов на север." said the Russian Soldier
"Так шпионы сделали хорошо мы проверим, что путь этот патруль." Responded Arron
Arron walked over to the tank which had a Russian commander and yelled "Так шпионы сделали хорошо мы проверим, что путь этот патруль."
To which the commander responded "Сэр, да, сэр"
Arron walked to the front of the squad and they went off.
It was now an hour later when a 12 year old girl came out of the forest covered in mud and scratches
"Мольбы господин вы можете мне помочь?" said the girl panicked looking at Arron.
"Не волнуйтесь, мы поможем вам." said Arron kneeling down next to her with a warm smile.
Just then the sound of German soldiers could be heard it sounded like a commander speaking.
"Wir müssen dieses alliierte Lager und Burnit zu Boden finden" said the voice of an older gentleman.
Arron walked over to a small embankment and peered over it crouching down it wasn't just a couple of soldiers it was 100 men with armored trucks and tanks nothing that they could easily take on.
"What do we do sir?" said a young private in the Marine Corps
"Shh" was all Arron said before saying "Our best tactic might be to hit their armored rigs and try to take them out and use our infantry on the rest."
Arron climbed onto one of the tanks and knocked on it the tank having an American commander inside of it.
"What is it sir?" said the commander.
"Aim your top turret towards that leading Panzer and fire and await orders"
"sir yes sir" said the commander saluting Arron.
The tank aimed its top gun towards the leading tank A Tiger Mark 2 and fired blowing a massive hole in the front and causing it to catch fire. Gun shots were all that could be heard as Arron ducked down holding the little girl into his ches protecting her from the bullets, this however didn't protect the private next to him who was shot in the head blowing the top of it off covering Arron in brain matter the little girl screaming as this happened. Arron pulled his Beretta from its holster and aimed it over the embankment shooting it shooting one of the soldiers in black uniforms the soldier falling backwards sending rounds up into the air shooting down a tree limb.
"Оставайтесь с ней" said Arron to the little girl as he got on his knees and aimed the TAC-12 pulling the trigger bullets flying out in rapid succession.
The bullets struck 2 men on top of one of the armored truck but 2 more just climbed back on top to control he machine gun.
"Это один стрелять, что один" yelled Arron to the tank pointing towards the truck.
The tank aimed is 3rd gun towards the truck and fire blowing the top off, but another truck aimed a large ant-tank gun that was mounted on top of it towards the T-35.
"FUCK" yelled Arron as he covered the girl with his body to protect her from the explosion.
The cannon fired and time slowed as the shell flew towards the tank it felt like forever but it finally hit and time returned to normal, as it hit Arron felt a searing hot pain in his back and screamed loudly.
Arron's scream filled his single wide trailer and could be heard outside, Arron took deep breaths and looked around noticing he was back home in Mississippi it was 2008 not 2001 and there were no Nazi's or exploding tanks it was just him and his dogs. Arron looked at the clock it was 4:30 AM knowing he wouldn't be able to get to sleep he got up and grabbed his cigarettes and lighter and walked outside, and sat on his front step and smoked a cigarette, his cellphone rang and he answered it finding it was Celestia
"Hey what's hapening?" Said Arron happily.
"Um Arron.....can I come over to your place later today to hang out? I wanna talk to you about something." said Celestia in an almost somber tone.
"Well sure i'll see you then" said Arron happily.
"Okay love you." said Celestia before gasping.
"What was that?"
"NOTHING!" said Celestia before hanging up.
Arron put his phone in his pocket before continuing to smoke his cigarette smiling cause he knew what she said and he felt the same.
Author's Note
So school just let out for summer nothing much has happened but now that school is out they’ll be spending more time together..........at least if Arron’s job doesn’t keep him away after all the railroad’s schedule changes everyday
Summer 2008 Part 1
5/25/08
Arron awoke to the sound of his phone ringing it was 4:30 PM but he had to get rest as he was taking a train to Diamond River it was a freight train after dropping it off he would be spending the night in Tennessee and coming back the next day on a freight train as well but it would be a loaded coal train he would be stopping Canterlot and handing it over to another crew and return home. Arron answered the phone it was Celestia
Arron sat up and placed his feet on the ground and said tiredly “what’s up?”
“Uh....Arron I was wondering if we could just hang out, I mean I ask you to a lot but I’m really in a tough spot right now and it.....would make me feel better and I know that probably sounds elfish but, please” said Celestia.
“Um that was long but I need to leave by 5:00 I have to run a train at 5:30 and it’s gonna be outside of town when me and Blake get it off the other crew” said Arron still sounding tired.
“Oh that’s great i’ll see you then” said Celestia happily before hanging up.
Arron got up and got dressed putting on bluejeans, a white T shirt, a red work shirt, and boots. He brushed his teeth quickly grabbed his keys, his wallet, his lighter, his cigarettes, his phone, and his gun before walking out to his truck and hopping in putting the key in the ignition and starting it the engine letting out a loud rumble that was common with gasoline engines of the era it was built in. Arron backed his truck out of the driveway and pulled down the road and onto Highway 23 North an intermodal being lead be 3 Union Pacific GE ES44ac’s with 100 well cars, piggybacks, and autoracks and nothing more. He easily drove past it as he was going over 60 MPH while the train was going only 50 MPH while that was still fairly fast. Arron finally reached Canterlot High School but a freight train was approaching, it was a local transporting 4 auto parts boxcars that were empty and had been transported from a Ford plant in Illinois being lead by a single C&R (Canterlot and Rentan) GP39-2 in reverse painted like Norfolk Southern but with C&R instead of NS the locomotive being an ex-Norfolk Southern locomotive. The train cleared the crossing and the gates went up allowing Arron to cross and turn down the street leading to Celestia’s. Arron knocked on her door and stood there his hand at his side waiting for her to open the door, after a minute he knocked on the door again but before he could finish she slowly opened the door sadness on her face.
“what’s wrong babe?” said Arron a concerned expression on his face.
“N-nothing......just......nothing” said Celestia sadly.
She wore nothing but a pink t shirt and her underwear which was covered by her t shirt the shirt was blank with nothing on it, her hair was straight and brushed and she didn’t appear to tired but still drowsy.
“Are you sure? Cause you ain’t lookin to well babe we’re gonna have a talk” said Arron as he walked in going over to the couch
Celestia sat down across from him brushing her hair out of her eyes. “So what’s wrong?” said Arron
“remember when I said both my parents are dead?” said Celestia looking at her feet.
“Yeah babe why?” said Arron still concerned.
“Well my mom isn’t.....at least we think she isn’t she left the day after my dad died and haven’t seen her since” said celestia lifting her head just enough to look at Arron’s face.
“Is that it? Cause forgive me for sounding mean but that isn’t that bad” said Arron lifting her head to look her in the eye
“No” said Celestia tearing with her voice breaking “I just feel like no one cares and it doesn’t matter” Celestia was now crying stuffing her head in Arron’s chest muffling her cries.
“It’s okay” said Arron patting her on the back “it’s okay”
“NO IT’S NOT” yell Celestia still muffled “IT’S NOT AND IT’LL NEVER BE” yelled Celestia her head now lifted so her cries weren’t muffled.
Arron looked her in the eye and said “yes it is and don’t worry i’ll be here for you.”
Celestia wiped her eyes with her shirt and calmed down breathing deeply before saying “okay I’ve calmed down.....I’m better now” she was now smiling.
Arron looked at is watch and said “Oh shit I gotta get to the crew change point can you drive me there? I don’t feel comfortable leaving my truck down there plus I don’t know where the next crew change’ll be at.”
“Um sure just let me get ready” said Celestia before rushing to her room, she came out 5 minutes later wearing a smaller pink t shirt, tight bluejeans, and white sandals. “Alright I’m ready” said Celestia grabbing her purse off of the counter.
“Great babe lets go” said Arron before walking outside.
When he got outside he grabbed a duffle bag out of the trucks bed and opened the door to his truck grabbing a lunchbox, a vest, a hardhat, and his keys. He shut the door and locked it with the key before walking over to Celestia’s car and squeezing himself into the passenger seat of her 2003 Toyota Camry and shutting the door. Celestia climbed in next to him and started the car backing out of the driveway and heading north.
“Alright Arron where are we heading?” said Celestia looking at the road
“Walker Statesman RD to a yellow sign the has Crew Change Point written on it you’ll need to park there and I’ll bet out Blake should be there” said Arron looking at her.
“So about that outburst back there” said Celestia nervously
“It’s okay I’ve been in terrible situations and nearly ruined my brothers life but I got turned around” Arron turned to her smiling “cause I had people who loved me.”
Celestia didn’t look from the road but she still warmly smiled. They finally reached the spot a small 200 ft by 200 ft clearing between pine trees next to a point where 2 sections of railroad track merged into one it was now 5:25 PM and Blake was standing near the tracks there was no train but there was a signal post showing red.
“Hey Blake” said Arron walking over to Blake.
“Sup Arron where ya been?” said Blake as they shook hands
“Same place I’ve always been Blaksville Mississippi” said Arron chuckling “anyways you know Celestia” said Arron pointing to Celestia who responded with a smile a wave
“Yeah, howdy” said Blake looking behind Arron.
“So Blake where’s S-3488, Where’s the train” said Arron
“I have....absolutely no clue” said Blake nervously
“Let me guess, it ran away from you and flew into the toilet like my fish did back in 1978?” said Arron struggling not to chuckle
“Well my best guess is 10 miles away but if you check the signal if it gets here in 0.000000001 seconds it ain’t moving” said Blake
Just then the sound of a diesel engine coming from the southern direction
“Is that it?” Asked Celestia
“Naw that’s the 5:30 commuter from Brendan” said Blake.
As he said this a train lead by a single Trans Regional Railroad E9, 5 standard coaches, and a single Titan 6 cab car rounded a curve sounding its A200 air horn as it approached the points at 60 MPH. The locomotive was grey with a red arrow pointing forwards and Trans Regional Railroad written within the arrow in white writing. The train roared by Arron following it with his eyes the coaches while quite lightweight still screeched as the wheels rolled across the steel rails passing in a matter of seconds. Less than 5 minutes later a freight train appeared in the distance its lights glowing bright, the locomotive’s ditch lights began to flash as the horn sounded it was a fairly common K5LLA horn very common on freight and passenger trains. The road name wasn’t visible until the train stopped just in front of the signal post on the tracks heading south the train being lead by M&D GP38-3 3488, M&D GP38 4569 but connected back to back, M&B GP9 104 facing forward, CSX SD40-3 3412 facing forward, and Diamond River GP40 2355, pulling a 114 car long mixed freight with 13 Tropicana juice reefers at the front. Arron ran over to Celestia’s car and grabbed his lunchbox, his duffel bag, and his uniform which was just the vest and hardhat. Arron removed his work shirt and handed it to Celestia and put on his vest and hardhat.
Arron kissed Celestia on her lips and said “Love ya babe” before running over to the train while the former crew got off looking extremely tired and worn out.
Arron climbed into the cab and situated himself in the operators chair while Blake sat in the conductors chair they were both now ready for a 14 hour run.
Arron grabbed the radio and said “Train S-3488 to dispatch are we clear.”
To which dispatch replied “you are clear to proceed train S-3488.”
“Copy dispatch” said Arron before putting the radio down and sounding the horn twice.
Celestia watched as the train rolled slowly forward letting out a loud hiss as the brakes were released, the engines roared to life as Arron slid the throttle into notch 5 smoke appeared from the stacks not much except for the 4th unit which had noticeable amounts of grey smoke while not much it was still fairly concerning to some but not her for she didn’t care. She watched as the locomotives disappeared around the curve that took the western on a single track, she didn’t bother to watch the rest of the train instead she walked over to her car and got in driving back home. Celestia got out of her car and walked into her house and into her room where she took off her shoes and jeans before wrapping herself in one of the blankets and tried to fall asleep despite it being very bright outside, as she did so a single tear dripped from her eye and onto her pillow.
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. This Chapter is Useless ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Author's Note
This is one of Celestia’s journal entries we will return to these every other chapter
Journal Entry One
6/03/08
I don’t know how much I can take at this point, I’ve been like this for years and my therapist, well my new therapist told me to write my thoughts down to help me I hope it can. Let me start my boyfriend Arron is a kind man he’s never lifted a hand at me unlike my last boyfriend he’d raise his fist at me every time I wouldn’t do as he said. I haven’t told Arron what he’s done to me but I can’t call it rape if I agreed right? Haha, Arron rarely gets angry the last time I saw him get angry was when my ex got pissed at him it was an interesting sight to see. We’ve been together since April he seemed surprised when I kissed him and honestly I was surprised too, I don’t know what came over me I was surprised he didn’t push me away and. I don’t know what I’m talking about, I told him I loved him several times and He recently said I love you too it felt amazing it felt like someone truly loved me. He’s a bit of a gun nut at least to me the only gun I have as a small handgun I think it’s called a derringer it holds two bullets but only shoots one at a time you have to open the chamber and put the second bullet inside yourself. I’m honestly surprised they even let me get the gun with my medical history listing that I had been brought to the emergency room for several attempts at suicide but I’m glad I have some better form of protection rather than just a kitchen knife. I
I sometimes laugh at the fun times I had when I was younger before the depression, before the abuse, before I started to cut before I tried to hang myself from the balcony of our house sometimes I wonder if it would’ve been better if the rope hadn’t snapped I’d at least be dead and I wouldn’t have broken my arm it would’ve saved me several weeks in a cast and probably would’ve made my mom happy. I always tried to make her happy or proud of me and she just never could I was her oldest and she treated me like
CRAP
Sorry about that to anyone who’s reading, who cares if I kill myself and someone finds this they’d just throw it in the trash without a second thought to them it’s as worthless as I am. I don’t feel comfortable in my own home anymore my neighbor says he saw someone trying to break into my house, he says he looked like my ex and I don’t feel comfortable here, it was the fifth time he was seen I tried to call the cops but they couldn’t do anything about it. I think I’ll ask Arron if I can stay with him, at least for a couple of days or maybe more I don’t know yet I haven’t even spoken to him yet I don’t think I can bring it up to him yet. God this isn’t very long and I have so much I wanna write down but I hear Arron’s truck outside so I’m gonna have to continue later.
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.