"See ya tomorrow, Caddy!" Derpy, one of my loyal employees beamed with a wave as I pulled my key out of the lock on the front door of my store.

"Hey, thanks for your help, as always!" I replied as I turned around, spread my wings and took off for home.

So, let me bring you up to speed here. My name is Caddy Finz and I've been living and running my Wagon and Cart parts business in Ponyville for a few years now. I do pretty well with it, the money's decent as I kinda hold a bit of a monopoly around here. I mean, I don't go around price gouging or anything, I just happen to be the first to open such a store around here. Before I opened The Caddy's Finz Parts Inc., ponies had to order their stuff from catalogs and wait weeks for it to be shipped to them. That's where I come in.

There's me, the store owner and manager and nine employees who work for me. I've got an assistant manager, my commercial parts specialist who is responsible for keeping tack of the accounts of our top customers. You know, keeps up on stuff they need for their own businesses, keeps them happy and ultimately, ensures they keep buying from us. I also have two part time shift supervisors, they've got keys to the place and open and close when my assistant and I aren't around. Aside from them, I also have two part time salesponies, three delivery ponies, two part time, one full. We're all more than just a store with its staff, I daresay we're almost a family.

I make it a point to be good to my workers. I pay them well, I don't work them to the bone, and I generally treat them well, all I ask them to do is their jobs. That's why I have very little turnover and haven't actually hired anypony in over a year. I lead by example and I have their backs when they need my support. The store runs smoothly, my employees are happy, my customers are happy and me? I'm actually downright miserable but of course I don't let them know that.

Though I make it a point to be good to them, I'm their boss, not their friend. They shouldn't know too much about my personal life and my own policy is to avoid fraternizing with them outside of work. I can't count how many invitations to go out for drinks and hang out with my work team that I've turned down and honestly, I kinda feel bad. They mean well by and and I'd be lying if I said I didn't like to drink. Oh, Celestia, do I love to fucking drink.

It was the same shit, different day, I closed up shop for the day at eight o'clock, fly or trot home and drink smoke until I passed out. Maybe masturbate if I was feeling more pent up than usual. Well, tonight, I remembered that I was out of those nice cigars I like so much so a quick stop at the shop was in order before going home. Just like I did every week, I filled a paper bag up with a couple dozen premium stogies, another with a couple bottles of whisky, paid the guy at the counter and flew out the door.

"See you next week, Caddy." The stallion behind the counter said with a friendly wave as I left in a hurry.

Even though I hang out with pretty much nopony, everypony in this town calls me by name and keeps on trying to get to know me personally. Though that's all well intended, I suppose, I really don't have the time, patience, nor desire to have somepony shoved up my ass every minute of every day...metaphorically speaking, of course. All I wanted to do now was to get home, get wasted, and make use of some of those porn mags I keep in various places in my house. Whoa, better wait until I get through my door to think about that, last thing I need is to be held up by getting a ticket for failure to conceal in public.

Call it fate, call it just my shitty fucking luck, call it whatever you want, for whatever cruel reason, I would indeed end up getting held back from my plans for tonight. With my saddlebags filled to the brim with my precious cargo, I flew a mere foot from the ground I was bogged down with the heavy load which was my first mistake. My second was hastily rounding a corner without any forethought that somepony could just be trotting around the other side of the building corner. Much to my dismay, there was.

"Guh!" Myself and another pony yelped as I slammed into them at full force, causing my glasses to fly off my face and my goodies out of my bags.

My heart sank as I heard the crashes of my bottles of liquor smashing against the cobblestone street right before me and the rustling of my packaged cigars hitting the ground in every direction was enough to send me into a fit. Without even thinking about what I was about to say, I sprang to my hooves, turned to the pony I bumped into and let my gatling gun of a foul mouth rip.

"What the fuck, you fucking dipshit moron, fucking inbred, hoof dragging, cum gargling asshole!!" I shouted at the pony whom was no more than a big, tall, pink blur to me in my blinded state.

Half expecting to get a hoof upside my face, if not from the pink one, then either, the slightly smaller purple one or the burley white one accompanying her, I pawed at the ground for my glasses as I spewed out even more venom.

"When I find my fucking glasses, you mouth breathing dickbag, fucking pussy pink looking, braindead bag of plums!" I continued. "I'll kick your ass you fucking white bread, white picket fence, fucking black and white tv show, golly gee saying, Howdy Doody fucking leave it to Beaver neighborhood soccer mom up a fucking mini van's ass!"

"No way!" The white stallion gasped as the three stood frozen to the spot and gawked at me. "That can't be him!"

"The Caddy I know would never say such things!" The purple mare gasped, nearly sounding as if on the verge of tears. Oh goodie, now look what I've done.

"Um, sir?" The tall, pink mare said meekly as she slowly stepped towards me. "Here."

If I wasn't already about to have a heart attack, my heart stopped in its tracks as the mare used her aura to slide my glasses back onto my snorting and fuming face thus revealing the identity of the trio. Standing before me were the ponies I had just said horrible, vile things to and were the only friends I ever had and the only ones who had spent much of their time to help me in my desperate time of need for friends. If any of my misdeeds would make me burn for all eternity when my own times comes, this was the big kahuna.

"It is him!" The white stallion who was my good friend Shining Armor gasped as he stared at me, his eyes as wide as saucers.

"Caddy?" My friend Cadance, who was the pink mare all along said, the look on her face far from that of anger but more of deep concern. "That's not...you. What happened to you?"

"I...I..." Was the only thing I could squeeze out of my sorry mouth.

I was regretting this badly. First, I lose my shit when it was my fault in the first place and I ended up lashing out on good friends of mine, two of them I haven't seen in over a year. Twilight actually convinced me to ditch the old store in Canterlot and come start fresh in Ponyville, and I met Cadance through a radio show she hosted for a short time, the latter, I'll explain later. Shining Armor, I obviously met through Cadence shortly after, they're kind of a package deal. You know, being married and all.

"Caddy, um..." Twilight began once she could finally get over the shock. "Are you okay?"

I opened my mouth to say something but I couldn't get any words out, it was that bad.

"Of course he's not okay!" Shining Armor interjected, his eyes still wide. "He's not even himself! Dude, what's gotten into you?! I've never seen you act like this!"

Oh, then I guess you don't really know me then. Good. Sweet Celestia am I glad I didn't actually say that. Wow, I am a broken, sick fuck. I could do nothing but stand there as the three ponies I cursed at used their auras to gather up all the cigars that spilled out all over the streets and place them back into my bag for me. I don't get it. Shouldn't they be taking turns holding me down and beating my ass?

"Here are your...cigars." Cadance said after the last one was levitated back to me. "And wow, you uh...sure bought a lot of these."

"Guys, I...I'm so sorry about that." I finally managed to stutter. "I've just been stuck in a rut and I've just been all pissed off and..."

My first mistake was not turning tail and bolting away. My second was telling them about my problems. I never go around telling ponies about what's bugging me, they always stick around and try to do something about it. They mean well, but I don't have time for that shit.

"Why don't you trot with us and talk about it?" Twilight said as she held out a hoof.

Aw, shit.

"Look, guys, seriously, it's the least I can do." I reassured my friends whom I enjoyed a nice dinner with.

To call what happened back there "awkward" would be a grave understatement and of course I accepted their offer to take a trot with me which lead us to one of Ponyville's nicer restaurants. Obviously, I offered to pick up the tab too and after a bit of convincing, I was able to get them to accept. I owed it to them for what I said back there, I really did. I don't even get to see them often at all, so of course it hurts that much more, the more I think about those foul things that spewed from my throat. So far, the conversation was mostly full of "how are things" and "what have you been up to" but inevitably, those nasty curses I shouted for the whole town to hear would be brought up again. Once again, I owed them, at least an explanation.

"Well, let's just be glad Flurry Heart wasn't there to hear all that garbage." Shining Armor chuckled as he nudged me with an elbow to play off what happened. "Aside from that, it's good to see you again, Caddy."

"Likewise." I replied as I nervously fidgeted with my hooves. "I've really missed you guys, you know? How's the little princess doing anyway?"

"Oh, she's doing great!" Cadance beamed. "She's starting to use bigger words and she's really getting the hang of better controlling her magic. What have you been up to?"

"Uh, let's see, work, drinking, work, work, a little more work...uhh, yeah, that's about it."

Here it comes.

"Are you sleeping alright?"

"Sleep? What's that? Heheh, I can sleep when I'm dead."

"Any friends you've been hanging out with?"

"Ever get a chance to just trot around town and get to know the place?" Twilight asked. "Ever go out and meet your neighbors?"

"Nope, nein, and nyet." I replied after taking a sip of the beer I ordered. "I'm running my own business among a bunch of other stuff and time isn't exactly abundant for me."

"Pffft! Don't you think..." Shining Armor begen, clearly struggling to stifle laughter. "I mean, we're kinda running an empire up North, buddy. We still make time for friends."

I needed to get the hell out of there before I got roped into something I wanted no part of. I can't afford to have anything get in the way of my job which is pretty much a twenty-four/seven thing. Though I'm not making the mistake of opening my store with hours like that again, I'm always on the clock. I need to just pay the check and have us go our separate ways until next time. I know, I'm a horrible friend but I don't need ponies prying into my personal life, they always do that...especially fucking Pinkie Pie. After telling her to go fuck herself about a million times did she finally take the hint, but I digress.

"Can I get the check, please?" I called out to the nearest waitress with my hoof in the air.

After paying the tab and leaving a nice tip for the wait staff, myself and my three royal friends trotted out the door where I hoped to part ways with them from there. Hey, I may be a prick, but I work in customer service too and I always make it a point to be a good customer when I'm on the other side of the counter.

"Well hey, it's been real, you guys." I said with a yawn as I trotted towards home. "I'm glad we could all hang out. Sorry again about cussing you out and comparing you to the stereotypical middle aged, suburban housewife."

"Oh, I think we'll get over it eventually." Cadance said jokingly with a dismissive wave of a hoof. "And don't worry, I've already promised Shining that I will never be anything like that!"

"Thanks for buying us dinner, Caddy!" Twilight called over with a friendly wave.

"See you again soon, alright, pal?" Shining called over as what I like to call my "tailfinz" faded away from them in the distance.

Yeah yeah, I know I'm an asshole, but is it too much to ask to be left alone? I just wanna go home, get shitfaced, smoke some cigars, and pass out before before I go to work the next morning. I was relieved as I was finally on my way to do just that. I live on a rural route on the outskirts of town in a nice two bedroom, single story house, about a mile down past Sweet Apple Acres. Perfect for a single guy like myself who likes dealing with others only when I have to.

With a stomach full of food, a saddle bag full of my treasures strapped to my back, and a key in my teeth, I unlocked my door, heaved myself and my load of goodies through the door and wasted no time removing the bottles. With the bottle tipped back, I trotted into the living room and dropped a small hoof full of food flakes into my fish tank. It was when my attention went back to the bottle in my grasp that I started getting a bit confused, and I was still stone cold sober.

"Where the fuck'd my whiskey go!?" I squeaked in an embarrassingly high pitched squeal as I shook the now empty bottle blindly tossed it behind my back.

After cleaning up the shattered glass, I lit a cigarette as I wanted to save my cigars for later tonight and made a beeline for the fridge where I hastily grabbed one of the many beers within, cracked the can open and downed it. Thinking it odd that the contents of the can were gone so quickly, I reopened the door and reached in for another. It was when a sudden and unwelcome knock on my door nearly made me stomp a hole through my floor.

"Ugh, goddamnit!" I huffed as I downed another much needed beer and then made my way to the door, where I would promptly tell whomever was there to go fuck themselves.

I really wasn't in the mood for a visitor. Well, I never am, and I was about to make that known loud and clear. I had already dealt with over a hundred customers, my work staff and three friends, I think that's more than enough interacting with my own kind for one day...or lifetime for that matter. With a big scowl behind my glasses and my teeth barred and nearly severing the cigarette stuck between them, I yanked my door open, expecting to tell somepony they had three seconds to turn tail and run to instead be greeted by the last pony I should be cussing out.

"Cadance?" I gasped. "What are you doing here?...and what's all that shit?"

"Hi, Caddy!" My royal pink friend beamed with a big smile as she trotted in with about half a dozen suitcases in tow within her aura. This can't be good. "So, look, Twilight, Shining and I did some talking and we all agreed that you could use a friend around to help you."

"With what!?"

"Well, your depression, short temper, possible drinking problem, over all loneliness, chronic hatred towards your fellow equine...need I say more?"

She then began unpacking her suitcases and set up some bedding on my sofa like she thought she was going to stay here. This must have been some kind of gag, there's no way a Princess has the time to waste on a degenerate sleazeball like Cadillac Taille Finz. Yes, that is my full name.

"Pfft! Heheheh, yeah, bull shit!" I said with a laugh. "Good one, Cadance! You almost had me for a minute there!"

"What's really funny is how you think I'm joking!" Cadance giggled as she opened another case and began rummaging through a bunch of shampoos, bath bombs and other various bath products. "Caddy, you haven't been yourself and your good old self is a sweet, kindhearted, fun to be around guy whose well in touch with his feminine side. I've talked to others around Ponyville and not a one of them had a good word to say about your behavior over the past year or so."

"That so?"

Cadance's tone quickly changed for the worse and her brow furrowed before she began voicing her concerns.

"Last week, you told a mare that you hope her offspring end up stillborn." She deadpanned.

I lit up another cigarette and took a seat on the couch.

"She asked me how my day was going." I said with a shrug.

"Ohhh, how dare she." Cadance said, with sarcasm thick enough to cut with a knife and barely fit into a toaster before having to pull it back out and slice it again. "Caddy, seriously, that's not who you are! What happened to the sensitive guy who used to call that radio show I got fired from!?"

"He gave up and died."

I then cracked another beer and started to chug it, polished it off, grabbed another and cracked it open. Cadance then took a seat on the other side of my sofa next to me and gently placed a comforting hoof on my shoulder.

"Caddy, please hear me out." Cadance nearly pleaded. Wow, this must be serious for a Princess to sound like that. "You're our friend and we care about you. So whether you like it or not, I'm going to help you with your depression and help get you out mingling with your fellow equine like our species was meant to do! You'll be much happier after we spend some time and effort on that!"

"Not like I have a choice here, huh?"

"Nope."

"Well, fuck it. As long as I have you as a guest, you want a beer?"

It's customary to offer a guest a drink, right? I wouldn't know, I've never had one. Cadance raised her hoof as if she was about to wave off the offer until she paused for a moment.

"I...You know what? Yeah, I'll have one." Cadance accepted as she used her aura to open my fridge in the other room and levitated a few cans over to the both of us. "It's been a while. How many have you had already, by the way?"

"Fuck if I know."

"Since when do you swear so much?"

"Fuck if I know."

"Caddy!!"

"Ah, sorry, sorry, jeez!"

I was hoping that I could get her to leave but at that point, I knew it wasn't happening. I really gotta stop being a prick to her, she's one of my only friends. I haven't got the heart to keep trying to get her out of here, she only wants to help. Well, she's got an extended vacation and if she wants to waste it trying to make me less miserable, then Celestia bless her. She was here to figure out what my damage is and I may as well just tell her at this point. About another fifteen beers for me later and another two for my royal guest, my mild buzz started coming in and when that happens, I find it easier to share certain information that I normally wouldn't.

"See back when she finally ended it, I guess something just kinda...snapped." I sighed as I lay on my sofa while Cadence sat across from me in my easy chair. "She's the one I was talking about when I called your radio show before Twilight and I burned my first store down."

"You did that on purpose!?"

"We got away with it, didn't we? Now, I've been over her for like ever but I guess I never really got out of my funk, you know? I mean...I'm just so pissed off and I don't know why. I pass out at night, pissed off. I wake up in the morning, pissed off. I go throughout my day, pissed off."

My saying all of this stuff was turning out to be quite the wake up call. While Cadance played therapist and took notes on a clipboard, I got up from my sofa and started to pace back and forth as I puffed on a stogie. What was left of my heart began to sink as I looked back at the guy I once was and compared that to the scumbag I've become.

"What is wrong with me?" I asked, fully understanding that I indeed had some rather serious issues.

"I think I've got an idea, Caddy." Cadence said, her tone warm and assuring. "And I think I know what I can do to help you."

"So I'm not too far gone? I can actually be helped?"

"Of course, Caddy! You're my friend and I'm not going to abandon you!"

"So, what are we gonna do?"

"Dates!"

Oh no. The Princess of love is gonna start playing matchmaker again. Sure I could use the help but not this kinda help. I gave up on that years ago when my last relationship ended. Oh fuck, what have I gotten myself into? Well, like it or not, she's not somepony I can easily say no to. Maybe this won't be so shitty. I haven't dated in years, fuck it, what do I have to lose by just giving it a try?

"Okay, what'd you have in mind?" I sighed in defeat.

"Caddy, I promise you won't regret this!" Cadance Beamed as she sprang up from her seat and hugged me. "Getting out there and spending time with other ponies will do wonders for you!"

"If you say so. Okay, where do we start?"

Author's Note

Being my Ponysona, Caddy Finz is obviously based on me and the miserable bastard I once was. I know, I was a real asshole, right? Well, this first chapter accurately depicts me before I time where I finally realized that life is good and my fellow human beings are my friends. Judge me if you wish, but I am not the same person I once was and never will be again. I have achieved happiness.