Lovely Misadventures

Well, I reluctantly agreed to let Cadance help me pull my shit together by spending some time with me to ultimately find myself a date. It's been years since I've been on a date and even longer since I've been laid, and Celestia knows I sure wouldn't mind some flank now that I think about it. Hell, I've got the Princess of Love helping me along, what do I have to lose?

There are tons of cute, single mares around my age in Ponyville so I have to assume that it won't be difficult to set me up with one in the first place. Obviously though, if we want anything to work out worth a damn, it has to be the right one. One that can actually stand my very existence, let alone my mere presence...okay, that's pretty much everypony in town for whatever reason but I can't just throw myself at any chick and ask them to shag. I may be a sleazy bastard but I have standards.

First things first though. After spending the night better getting to know my royal friend, and getting a good three hours of sleep, I would get up the next morning and get ready for my typical day where I didn't have to stay long at my store but instead would run errands around town. It was still work as it involved my company. After chugging five pots of coffee to get me started, I fitted myself with a small saddlebag, grabbed my briefcase, locked the front door behind us and took flight. It felt different having somepony flying next to me. It wasn't terrible, I just wasn't used to that as anypony who has hovered next to me, whether intentional or not, would end up being quickly outpaced by me as a hint that I was having none of it. Most have taken the hint, but some have had to be told which orifice their wings would be shoved up if they didn't back off. I don't need somepony nicking my wallet and I wouldn't put it past anypony to try it.

In case you haven't already noticed a long time ago, I have my fair share of issues, one of them being that I trust anypony around me about as far as I could throw them. When approached by some random mook, I assume they must have bad intentions. I mean really, who the fuck just comes up and talks to somepony unless they want something? Ah, I digress, where was I? Oh yeah. One of the very few ponies I let anywhere near me were just gonna go through my average day and discuss our plan to help me open up to others while we were at it. Part of me thought she also just wanted to observe my behavior and find out what made me tick. I pity her.

Our first stop of the day was the hayburger stand that I grabbed breakfast at every morning. It was always quick, easy and the clerk and I even came up with a neat little system that had become routine at exactly ten after eight. Maintaining my steady pace, I reached into my saddlebag for five bits which I then simply dropped down to the stand below. No sooner, three neatly boxed hay burgers flew up into the air for me to catch and gulp down one by one. Hey, I'm in a hurry, okay? I've got shit to do and time is money.

After I had eaten my sandwiched blobs of fried cholesterol, I lit up a cigarette and made my way to my next stop, my pink Princess friend in tow. Through my peripheral vision, I could see her cocking an eyebrow at me, so yeah, I guess I could have been less of a slob about it. Somepony's always looking, whether I like it or not. Screw it, I've got a delivery to make and my destination was right below me. Ponyville's post office.

After grounding myself, I trotted inside and produced from my saddlebag a parcel that was ordered from my by a customer all the way over in Canterlot. A custom ordered box full of wheel spokes was needing to be shipped and my loyal employee Derpy was the one for the job. Yeah, she works two jobs, lots of ponies do. Now with that scratched off the list, Cadence and I flew the other way with Sweet Apple Acres as our next stop.

Like I mentioned earlier, I have a special department in my company that's responsible for my commercial customers. Ponies who run a business which involves a substantial amount of wagon and cart use, or ponies with a fleet and so on. Farms are a good example, and the Apple family's Sweet Apple Acres is my highest spending customer. As such, I cut them some good deals and special discounts on the parts and tools they purchase from me. Right now, I'm on my way to deliver to them my latest sales flier which I think they'll be particularly interested in as this week, tubes of bearing grease are half price and they go through a lot of it. It'll be an easy sell and rake in a nice profit.

Cadance and I made our way towards our next destination and what I consider my gold mine, a lit cigarette in my teeth leaving a smoke trail the whole way. She hasn't mentioned my smoking habit yet today but I can tell that she's really aching to do so. It's not often that I have somepony around who genuinely cares about me the way she does, so later, when she tries to bring it up, I'll refrain from being a dick to her about it.

"So, how many stops do you have on your list today, Caddy?" Cadance asked me as she flew by my side.

"Precisely seventeen." I replied. "I have several of my top customers to visit, some pick-ups and drop-offs to make, orders to take, gotta make a beer run, and a quick stop at my store to check on my staff and grab some parts for this project I'm working on in my garage."

"Wow. That's even busier than any of my days! Are you holding up okay while doing all of that?"

"Just fine, Cadance. We're almost there now. We can stay a few extra minutes if you wanna catch up with Applejack, but I'm just stopping by to drop off a sales flier and take some orders."

"I get that you're busy but it wouldn't hurt for you to stay and visit with her too. I think if you actually spent a minute getting to know her personally for more than just business reasons, you could make a friend that way!"

"What!? Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up a minute!"

"What?"

"I can't be friends with my customers! Especially the ones who spend the most money with my business! That can compromise the strictly professional relationship between my business and theirs!"

I had a bad feeling about the look she was giving me. She glared daggers at me the rest of the way to Sweet Apple Acres and only changed her expression once we grounded ourselves and trotted over towards the mare herself. Applejack was always friendly and welcoming every time I showed up to deliver something, take an order or what have you and today was no different. Like always, I slapped the good old sleazy salespony grin on my face and trotted over to greet my best customer. She seemed especially pleasantly surprised by Cadance's presence too. Who knows, maybe that'll put her in even more of a buying mood. God, I'm such a fucking scumbag.

"Howdy, Caddy!" Applejack beamed as she and I both extended our hooves for a shake.

"Applejack, how's my favorite customer?" I asked as I laid the bullshit on as thick as bugs on a bumper.

"Yeah, how's our friend doing?" Cadance asked, making it clear that she wanted me to start something up with Applejack. Not fucking happening.

"Got nutin' to complain about." Applejack continued, her tone and expression as friendly and bubbly as ever. Not gonna lie, she's a cute girl but no more than a customer to me as long as I can help it. "There's plenty of rain this time of year, so ain't a tree on this farm without at least a bushel of fruit in it."

"Glad to hear that, Jackie!" I beamed. I came up with that nickname for her to build a good rapport with her and it kinda just stuck. "How's the equipment holding up?"

"Sheeoot, we're puttin' our carts to work somethin' fierce! Probably gonna need more of that bearing grease if'n ya could put me down fer some more."

"Well, it just so happens that it's half price this month!" I then hoofed over a small booklet full of special deals and pricing specials over to her. "Not only that, but tread bolts for wagon wheels are twenty percent off for a pack of forty, which is enough for all four wheels on a wagon! Installing them will keep them from slipping in the mud during this rainy season!"

"Ah like it! Put me down fer twenty cases of grease tubes and three wagons worth of them bolts!"

I nearly shit myself when she said that. This was the biggest sale I've made to the Apple family yet but I had to keep my composure. I need to hide the fact that I'm only excited about the money I'll be bringing in, quite honestly I don't give fuck all about Granny's operation or Applebloom's report card, or whatever else they feel like talking about. As long as their business does well, I do well and that's all that matters.

"Excellent!" I beamed with a shit eating grin on my face as I opened my briefcase to prepare the paper work. "I'll just have you fill out this form real quick and I can get your order ready and shipped to my store within the week!"

"Sounds good, pardner!" Applejack replied with a smile. "Oh! By the way, since yer here, Cadance, we gotta catch up! I ain't seen ya in ages!"

"We'd love to! We have plenty of time!" Cadance interjected before I had a chance to object.

"Ah'll be right back then! We can chat over coffee and fritters!"

Applejack then hastily retreated back to the farmhouse to retrieve drinks and snacks for all of us to share, leaving me to give Cadance the same look she gave me on our way over here. Look, I love her to no end but Cadance really pissed me off and that smug smirk on her face wasn't helping my blood pressure one bit. On another note, what kind of twenty-seven year old has blood pressure problems? I blame everypony else around me.

"I told you I had other places to be." I whispered through my teeth to Cadance who's smug smirk turned into a bemused frown.

"And I told you that you have friends to make." Cadance whispered as she leered at me.

"Why are you so dead set on me making friends? Can't I just do go throughout my day and just do my job?"

"Because you're miserable and you weren't always like this!"

"Hope ya'll like hazelnut!" Applejack beamed as she trotted over with a pot of coffee and a plate of fritters, and started setting them on a picnic table nearby.

"Can't you just let me live my life the way I want to?" I was about to start begging.

"Is this really how you want to live? As a miserable, drunken grouch who everypony around town only knows as that jerk who chases off anypony who tries to get close to him?"

"I don't like ponies!"

It took me a moment to realize it but by saying that, I had struck a nerve with Cadance. I haven't seen her this angry since her wedding got fucked up a few years back and had to be rescheduled. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen her so angry. I was genuinly worried now, the look she was giving me was the look of death. I could almost hear her teeth cracking as she clenched her jaw. Despite it being one hundred percent true, I was now really wishing I hadn't said that, and would really regretting it in just a moment.

Before I could even think of starting to sweat, Cadance's aura enveloped me and no sooner, the pissed off Princess started to carry me right over to Applejack whom was setting the snacks and drinks down on the picnic table. Once we reached an oblivious Applejack, Cadance rudely plopped me down on the ground behind the farm girl and did the unthinkable. Just when I thought things had gotten as worse as they could get, Cadance raised a hoof and firmly brought it down on Applejack's ass just before teleporting to the other side of the table. Now with the sneaky Princess standing in another spot, she made it look like it was me who smacked Applejack on the flank. And I thought I was a scumbag. Well, scumbag or not, Cadance just cost me my best customer and probably a restraining order to boot. Fucking bitch.

"What the...Caddy!" Applejack gasped as she turned around to see me, the only one standing behind her.

"Applejack!" I gasped in horror, my ears folded back and my mane standing on end. "I swear it wasn't me! I, I, I don't know why but Cadance just hmmff!"

Instead of a firm punch to the schnozz like I was expecting and probably still deserved anyway, Applejack did put her hoof my my face but only with enough force to keep my lips shut. My eyes were like saucers and I could feel my pupils shrink to pinpricks as she held a hoof on my lips and stared at me, her shocked expression turning into something else. To my surprise and most likely to the end of what little was left of my sanity, here eyelids shut halfway and her own lips curled into a smile. Not the kind of smile she graces me with when I show up to sell her something, far from it in fact. I could understand it myself even. The look she gave me was the same look I had on my own face when I opened a package I ordered from GoodGator, a sex toy catalogue. No, it wasn't something I stick into myself, I stick myself into it. Now back to that smile she was giving me. A devious smile is what it was.

Look, here's another thing about me. I have a mild form or autism and for most of my life, it's been a real bitch for me to read other ponies and pick up on social cues but even at my worst I could tell what she was trying to say with that look. Her half lidded eyes, one eyebrow cocked a little higher than the other, the sideways smirk, her hoof over my mouth and her slowly inching her face towards mine. The look she gave me screamed "I want to fuck you like an animal."

"Caddy?" Applejack said softly as she removed her hoof from my lips. "If'n ya wanted to have some fun, y'all shoulda just said so."