Lovely Misadventures

"Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!" A group of ponies cheered me on as I sat at a table with the end of a tube in my gob while Berry Punch poured beer into a funnel attached to the other end.

By this point, Berry Punch had already downed a good twenty or so beers, twelve shots of whiskey, and another eight of tequila. I know because I was right there neck and neck with her. She's incredible! I've never met anypony who can hold their liquor up to par with me! We've already outdrank everypony else in the bar and neither of us showed any signs of slowing down.

"Impressive!" Berry Punch gasped as I waved to some of the other patrons involved as they brought us even more booze to pour down our gullets. "I think you and I are gonna get along just fine!"

"I concur!" I beamed before letting out a big, crude belch.

I like to think I can have some form of class but not after this much booze. Nopony seemed to have a problem with it though. Not that they were really even paying attention anyway, there was still plenty of booze to be had by me and my worthy adversary and when ponies started placing bets on us, we knew it was about to get interesting. That and it got pretty exciting knowing that it was customary in Equestria that when two ponies drink competitively, and ponies start throwing bits around, our tab is paid for us.

After another three hours and about a dozen concerned looks thrown my way from Frosty Mugs, Berry and I were really starting to feel the burn. In between drinks, she and I really got to know each other personally too. I like her! This girl knows how to party! Shit, I wouldn't mind having that sweet flank of hers too. Well, just as I was about to get drunk on hormones while staring her up and down, our fun would come to an abrupt halt for the night.

"Alright, that's enough!" Frosty Mugs hollered as he slammed his hooves down on the table at which Berry, the other patrons and I sat. "I'm cutting you two off! Nopony's drinking themselves to death at my bar! Last call, everypony!"

"Aw come on!" One patron groaned.

"It was just getting good!" Whined another.

Actually, Frosty Mugs was right. Berry and I have had a few good kegs worth of beer and a few gallons of liquor at this point and we were both really feeling it. Despite having to pack it up and go home now though, I really wanted to hang out with Berry Punch again, and she too with me. She so graciously proceeded to make me well aware of the fact.

"Hey, Caddy." Berry Punch slurred as she stumbled over to me.

"Yo, whassup, good lookin'?" I belched out, equally as shitfaced.

Without any kind of forewarning whatsoever, Berry grabbed my neck tie and firmly yanked me towards her and buried her tongue down my throat. Awww yeahhh, a sloppy make out before parting ways for the night! Fuck yeah, she's my kinda girl! After sucking face and stifling a boner for a minute or two, we broke off, gave each other a nice hug and headed out the door bound for home.

Shit, I'm so fucking sloshed, it ain't even funny. Here I am stumbling and staggering around, struggling to even get my wings unfolded. I know I really shouldn't be flying but home isn't far away. It only seems like a daunting task to make it there because I'm so damn wasted. Eh, I'm sure I'll be fine, maybe. Finally, after several pathetic attempts, I managed to take to the air, homeward bound.

"Ah'm so drunk ah can barely seeee!" I sang as I flew on a wobbly path. "But it helps me get through another dayyy! Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nahhhh! Gonna go puke in some hayyy! Whoo! Whoa!!"

"Watch it, I'm flying here!!" Another pegasus shouted at me as I narrowly missed sailing right into her head on.

"Sorryyy!" I slurred.

"Yikes! Get out of the air, you maniac!" Shouted a pegasus stallion.

"My baaad."

"Dude, what do you think you're doing!?" A light blue mare snapped as she flew beside me. Oh, I know this girl.

"Oh heyyy, I know you!" I slurred. "What's up, Dainbow Rash?"

Before speaking again, she proceeded to look around as if to make sure the coast was clear. Despite being shitfaced, I could tell that she looked worried.

"Look, I don't mean to be a buzzkill, but you really shouldn't be flying, dude." Rainbow Dash said. "Just saying. If you don't get yourself killed, you could get into huge trouble."

"Hey, Rashie." I belched. "You're kinda cute."

"Ah ah ah, I'm gonna stop you right there. Quit smoking, then come and tell me that. Just be careful, okay?"

With that, Rainbow Dash flew off and until she was out of my sight, I had the pleasure of watching that toned little butt of hers fade away in the distance. Damn, she's hot but I can only dream. There's no way I'd be able to get with a girl like her, she knows too much of what an asshole I am. That and being an athlete, she wouldn't be caught dead with a guy who smokes. Speaking of which, I could go for a cigarette.

After three cigarettes wasted from me lighting them from the filtered end, I finally managed to get it right and enjoyed a nice lung dart as I continued on my wobbly path, feeling more confident that I'd get home just fine. Little did I know, that as a mare wearing dark blue made eye contact with me for a split second as we whizzed past each other, my flight home was about to go downhill from there.

WHOOSH!

The unmistakable sound of a pegasus whipping themselves into the opposite direction of which they were originally travelling was the beginning of the end of my flight home as I was about to find out. I was too numb and stupid at the time to realize it until in the lenses of my glasses, I suddenly saw the reflection of red lights flashing behind me, that I was royally fucked.

"You! Red guy!" A mare shouted over a megaphone behind me. "Ground yourself!"

Oh no, it's a cop! She was wondering why I was zigzagging and now wants me to get down to the ground! Fuck! Well, I can't try to out fly her, that'd be a felony. Okay, steady now. Just gonna flare out my wings to slow down, there we go. Okay, just a few good flaps to slow my decent. Good, good. Whoa, better not stumble on my hooves or she's gonna know how drunk I am for sure. Well, being a little tipsy might even help me better talk to her. This cop is a cute one and I tend to have better luck talking to mares after putting a few away.

"What officer the be seems problem to?" I slurred as the mare approached, knowing that I had just fucked myself.

"Do you know why I stopped you, sir?" The young lady, probably fresh out of the academy asked with a cocked eyebrow.

She may have been a rookie but even in my drunken state, I could already tell that she knew very well that I shouldn't be flying. The cute little lady was dressed in full Ponyville Police attire, fitted with a red light bar on her back and sported a white helmet with a visor for keeping bugs out of her eyes. On the bottom of her shirt, she had the typical utility belt with a flashlight, hoofcuffs, a collapsible baton, pepper spray, and a revolver. All of which were a bunch of goodies I don't wanted to receive to the back of my head or pointed at me. This gal's the real deal.

"No ma'am, can't say I do." I replied politely.

"You couldn't seem to keep a straight path there, you know. That, and when I passed by you back there, I could see that your eyes looked pretty bloodshot."

"Uhh."

"I'm just gonna come out and ask you point blank. How much have you had to drink tonight?"

"Oh, well, you know, just a coup-"

"No, I don't know. That's why I'm asking."

She's laying it on pretty thick and it's making me nervous. There's nothing I can do now and beating around the bush isn't going to help so I might as well just come clean and maybe throw in some flattery for good measure.

"Forty-seven beers, six margaritas, three bottles of Applejack Daniels, nineteen shots of tequila..." I began to list off. "...twenty-five screwdrivers, seventeen hard ciders, ten bottles of schnapps, four bottles of rum, one scotch, one bourbon, another beer, and a bottle of pear flavored vodka...you're pretty."

The mare's eyes looked like saucers and her jaw was nearly touching the ground. She stood there gawking at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears. I hope she doesn't find the derringer I keep in there. Either way, I know what's coming next and she might as well not even bother with the sobriety test and just take me in. I'm not even going to fight it, it'd just be delaying the inevitable.

"O-okay, sir, I'm gonna have to have you...blow into this meter." The mare stuttered as she produced a breathalyzer from her belt and held it up to my face.

I would have blown into it but instead I let out a big, hearty burp that ended up flowing right into the officer's face. It was when the visor on her helmet started to melt that she and I both became scared for our very lives. As the plastic on her helmet quickly melted away, the frightened policemare gasped in horror as she backed away from me and grabbed her radio to call for help.

"I need back up!" The frightened mare sobbed. "Outskirts on Sunset street! Officer down!"

To my dismay, the mare then drew her six shooter and held the cold steel barrel to my face. With my wings folded tight against my body and my hooves in the air as I sat my ass on the ground, I could see the business end of that thirty-eight caliber slug in the chamber of her gat. All of a sudden, I wasn't quite as drunk anymore. Within seconds, one officer after the other swarmed the scene and followed suit as even more rushed to the side of their colleague who's distress I had caused moments ago. Oh, shit, I'm gonna pay for this big time.