Day 1.

It's been a month since Anon has been transported to Equestria, and our lovable hero is currently sitting on his ass reading a history book from the local library.

"Oh, fuck off." Anon got off the caravan sofa, closing the book and pulling out a small list from his back pocket. It was his to-do list. "Lets see here; Best moon princess, non-con Diamond Tiara, the narrator's wife for the second time, the reader's mom- shit, this is the wrong to-do list." shoving the parchment back into his pocket, his fished around for a bit before pulling out another list. "Ah, here it is. Cash in that check from Celestia, return this history book to Twiggy, oh, can't forget my afternoon Tea at the local cafe." Sighing, he prepared to finish today's chores.

Anon walked to the front door of the creaking caravan, opening a cabinet next to the it and taking out a Remington XP-100 and a small box of 30 .221 fireball cartridges out next to the bipolar weapon. Grabbing the backpack next to the door and kicking open the dented entrance to the warm summer air, he stepped out, before shutting and locking up his home. “I Fucking love Friday’s.”

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The steel door to Ponyville's bank swung open with Anon's kick. Check in hand, the macho man stepped into the small queue, behind a sweating gryphon who checked the chained watch in his pack every couple of minutes. He seemed to be shooting glances at a small group of gryphons loitering at the other side of the bank, before staring at the teller and whimpering. Stepping up to the teller, he started fishing though the small pack on his side before pulling out a crossbow.

"G-Give me all the bits before I pull this trigger!" The gryphon shouted. Suddenly, the other 4 gryphons loitering at the other side of the bank pulled out their puny little crossbows too, pointing it at the other bank workers and innocent bystanders alike. Watching the manager of the bank carry several bags of bits towards her from the back room, the anxious gryphon kept concentrated on the unicorn behind the desk.

"Yo, Bird-dick, over here." Turning to his left, the gryphon stared down what he’d call ‘the tube of the strange wood and metal contraption’ the local human was holding.

SPLAT!

The unicorn at the front-desk watched as the gryphon's head jerked back, blood and brains painting the canvas behind him. The human, Anonymous, stepped up to the front desk, his voice muffled from the ringing in the unicorns ears.

"Hello?" The unicorn, petrified with fear, refused to react. "Hey, about some service over here?" The unicorn looked up in shock, as the human rolled his eyes when a bolt flew above his head. “Kid’s these days don’t respect their elders time...” Racking the bolt back on his XP-100 and inserting another bullet, cocked it forwards and raised it to the armed group of gryphons. Firing his second shot.

“Fuck.” Well, nobody said Anon was a good shot. His hasty aiming rewarded him with his bullet lodged into the wall behind the gryphon, who was also prepping her aim, talon shaking in fear.

Anon stood up to his tallest height. “That was a warning shot! Leave before you shall be forgotten to time!” Racking the bolt back, prepped another shot. The two gryphon’s in his view were shaking in terror. Wait, two? Anon hardly had any time before catching a bolt in the shoulder. Falling back too far, fell over the counter. He heard the one thing no-one would want in his current situation. His gun misfiring.

“B-Buck!” Anon looked over from behind the counter to see lady luck on his side: his misfire resulted in a gryphon falling from the sky, a bullet tore through her leg. Spiraling downwards, she landed on the ground with a thud. She limped forwards towards the door of the bank, in an obvious retreat. Her companions though, went forwards towards the desk.

Reloading his shot, he prepared to fire again. “Cockroaches. Want to fuck with Nonny Montana...” He listened to the gryphons slowly scamper towards the desk, whispering to each-other.

The first gryphon turned to his companion. “I can’t believe Greg is dead, man. It wasn’t supposed to go like this.” The gryphon started whimpering. “C-Can you get his pay to his son Gallus?” Staring into his companion’s eyes, the gryphon smiled at his sympathetic nod, near instantly turn to horror, as he watched his companions head jerk back as Anon’s bullet racked through his skull.

The gryphon’s turned his head. “T-This was supposed to be an easy, no injury job. You...” His look contorted in anger. “YOU! YOU KILLED MY BROTHER, WOUNDED A CHICK AND CREATED AN ORPHAN! WHAT IS EVEN GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW, MONSTER!?” The gryphon growled in fury.

Anon stared back at the gryphon with a grin. “That retarded, cheap villains should stop doing stupid monologues, giving me time to aim and reload.” The gryhon’s face quickly changed to fear, before another shot of Anon’s ‘pistol’ racked a bullet between the gryphon’s eyes. “Seriously, where did these villains come from? Little kid’s TV shows?” Stepping up to the whimpering stallion of a manager, Anon took several bags of bits off his back. “Score!” Anon was overjoyed to find nearly triple his welfare check in one of the bags alone. “Fuckin’ knew she was holding out on me. ”

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Unloading his gun, Anon walked past the platoon of unlucky royal guards heading towards the bank to admire his handiwork. Turning around the corner, headed towards the expansive tree library in the center of town, contemplating what to eat after returning his book. Anon, stepping up to the door and kicking it open forcefully, Spike soon regretted being too close to the other side.

Anon stared at the angry dragon he’d hit with the door. “Dude, don’t just barge in like that!” The dragon whined. He seemed he forgot where he was.

Anon sighed. “This is a public library, Spyro.” Anon gave the nickname to Spike and it stuck for both of them, surprisingly. Anon stares at Spike with a cheeky smile. “How’s life, Broseph Brostar?” Raising his hand, Anon and Spike shared a bro-fist. Anon reminisced on the time he met Spike, sharing common ground on being the only males been though the harsher side of life - After reading into Spike’s birth, Anon realized that if Twilight was a foal when Spike was born, and currently in her late 20’s, then it makes Spike in his teenage years and from that, Anon showed Spike the finer points of adult life.

Also, Spike is a pretty metal name, in Anon’s books. “Hey Anon, you here for pleasure or business?” Spike put aside his broom and caught a small bag Anon tossed towards him, then also catching a book with his offhand; turns out working with a librarian that can make books fly towards you really trains ones reflexes.

Spike stares at the book you gave him. “I’ll put this book in the income pile, despite the fact you just took it off the shelf and walked out with it. Twilight probably didn’t notice, she’s busy spazzing out about how she hasn’t written a friendship report this week, and rushed out earlier with her doll, Smarty Pants, shouting about you, Anon. What’s this?” Spike turned to the bag, his eyes contracting at the sight of the several dozen bits inside. “Dude, these are Sunbits! The conversion rate is 100:1 to normal bits? How’d you get this many?”

Anon contemplated on what spike just said. “Wait… There are different bits now?” Anon’s life flashed before his eyes, focusing on a moment of his past, 2 weeks ago.

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“Hey Rainbow, you got any cider in?” Anon said from his spot near the beach.

Him and Rainbow Dash had managed to come to terms and even hang out sometimes when Anon gave Rainbow the Idea to move her house with her to many of the cool hangout spots in town, and he even gave her an idea to build a giant cock out of clouds near the Ponyville school and blame it on Thunderlane as revenge for ditching this tornado creation thing Twilight was working on, halfway through the project.

Rainbow checked the mini-fridge by her, before noticing the inevitable; “Anon, there’s only one cider left. Dibs.”

Anon stared at rainbow before producing a strange bit he found on the floor of the Cafhay where Anon goes for his afternoon tea. “I’ll give you this bit for it.”

“Deal.”

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Anon’s face turned to pure, unadulterated anger. Spike closed his ears and prepared for the inevitable.

“I PAID FUCKING BLUE FAST 100 BITS FOR A FUCKING BOTTLE OF APPLE CIDER?”

Spike watched as Anon booted the door of the library open again, bolting out of the library down the street. Turning around, Spike noticed some books have fallen off the shelves due to Anon’s mighty foot. “Its one of those days,” he muttered to himself, working on re-shelving.

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“Alright Anon, it was your fault, you should of studied this place’s currency a tad more.” Anon huffed. The stress of today in Ponyland has got him in a twist, and his Tea has been rescheduled to now. The onlookers on the street all saw the look in Anon’s eyes, and most already knew not to fuck with his tea time. Since Pinkie messed with his tea one time people knew not to fuck with Anon’s tea time. Heading to his favorite cafe, the owner was already ready with Anon’s tea. Sitting at the table, the owner walked up to the local Human. “The same tea as the last 28 cups, Mr. Mous, you know drill. 4 bits.”

Anon reached into his pocket with a smile, pulling out 2 Sunbits. “Cups at my leisure, you know how I like em, Hot Coffee. Keep the change.” The owner was Anon’s first friendship in this quaint village- He’d sit at the table, joke and laugh with Anon, and later in the day would ‘accidentally’ slip some Gryphon whiskey into Anon’s tea at his request.

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After some magic basic first aid from Coffee himself, after noticing the arrow still protruding out of his shoulder and a couple drinks with Coffee’s secret Ingredient, Anon was a bit squiffy. “An’ then, all of a sudden, Grey got erect on post! I don’t think he knew me n’ Gideon slipped magic Viagra into ‘is drink!” Anon boasted. Coffee laughed before heading back inside the store with Anon’s dishes, leaving Anon drunk alone. Stumbling off the chair, he started to walk towards the side of town where his caravan resided, weaving on the street, he decided to lie in for the day as soon as he was home.

“Eh, what’s this now?” Anon walked forward, spotting what seemed to be a doll in the middle of the street. “Smharty pants!” It was Twilight’s doll. It tingled in Anon’s fingers. Picking it up, Anon started stumbling back to his caravan.

“Monkey, give me that doll. I want it.” Anon stopped and turned towards the voice. It was Mayor Mare. Anon Stared as hard as he could, knowing about Mayor Mare’s racism first-hand. Or is it first-hoof? “Ahm not a munkey…” Anon bared his teeth. “And this doll isn’t yours.”

Mayor Mare charged him. Anon had hardly any time to react as they both toppled to the ground, fighting over the doll. Twilight came out of the darkness between two houses, Anon screamed for help, he didn’t want to injure her due to repercussions, also Anon thought Twilight would take her doll back and end the fighting.

Imagine Anon’s surprise as Twilight sat down and started spouting friendship bullshit. “And sharing is caring! Also, when you want something from somepony else, what do you say?” Anon watched as a hoof hit the ground right next to him.

Anon’s had enough. “Ack!” Anon watched his fist connect to Mayor Mare’s face, a tooth coming loose with a little blood. Rolling underneath her, Anon picked up the doll with himself onto his legs. Now prepared for the attack, Anon kneed Mayor Mare In the face, connecting with a sickening snap, as he dislocated her jaw.

A shout from his left filled Anon with fear. “Give me that doll!” Turning left he saw 6 Ponies galloping towards him. Quickly turning his heel, bolted at top speed. Knowing he would be outrun, he turned corners to loose them. Looking back, he saw most of the town on his ass. “SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!!” Bolting down an alley, Anon’s fear hit an all time high. It was a Dead end. Turning around, he saw most of the town squeezed into the alley. Scared of his life, Anon drew his rifle, before seeing the strap. “I have an idea...”

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Entering the alley and pushing past the other ponies, Big Mac saw his beloved doll in the hold of that ‘hyoo-man’, by a chord on the end of that weird metal contraption of his. Charging towards the doll, he soon found it in front of him, just out of reach. Every time he went forward, so did the doll. So he did what any-pony would do. Ignoring the new weight on his back, he ran as fast as he can towards it.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH” Anon screamed, holding the doll on the string in front of Big Mac, riding him as the brain-dead horse charged forward separating the crowds at will. Holding onto the yoke, Anon Narrowed his body, using the doll to turn and weave. Dodging pedestrians and the occasional table, Anon found himself in-front of the princess of the sun. With Celestia casting a spell, Ponies stopped the ruckus and awkward glances were shared between Anon, Celestia and Big Mac.

Hopping off his back, Anon and Big Mac turned to each-other. “Next Week?” Anon spoke out loud, holding eye contact with Big mac.

“Eyup.”

With Big Mac galloping into the distance and with the day coming to a close, Anon shared uneasy glances with Celestia. “I’ll deal with you tomorrow. We have much business to discuss.” Celestia suddenly exclaimed, turning to Twilight Sparkle. “Library. Now.” Following Sunbutt, Anon ‘n’ friends followed her into the library.

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“B-But I’m supposed to send you a letter about friendship every week. I missed the deadline. I’m a bad student, I’m tardy!” Twilight whined. hoofing at the floor. Anon rolled his eyes at the purple ponies sensitivity, until a light-bulb turned on in his head.

Before Celestia spoke up, Anon cleared his throat, drawing attention to himself. “Twilight fucking owes me for this...” Turning to Celestia, began to speak. “Dear Princess Celestia. Today in my adventures, I found that even when cornered, be it in a solution of a problem or a literal alleyway, good friends will always be there to push you beyond your limits and carry you out of trouble, be it figurative or literal.”

Celestia nor Twilight never expected that of Anon. Sure, his wacky antics and bat-shit crazy nature is why Celestia wanted to keep him in check and have the elements nearby just in case, but an honest-to-current pony in the room friendship report? Now that was special.

Of course, this would be a very special moment if Anon didn’t have an erection he didn’t care to notice. “Now, Celestia, can you please explain why the fuck I was chased by half the town?”

Celestia turned to Anon, pointing her head at Twilight. “Wait, Twilight did this?” Anon stared at Twilight, before she nodded.

“MOTHERFUCKER!”

Author's Note

Woo, first day done! Give notes in the comments section; every bit helps me with my technique! Also, here's a picture from Wikipedia for anyone confused about Anon's weapon: