"Okay class, so this is how to survive An auptonomaunt orgasm from merely crying."

Starlight Glimmer switches off the light and hurries to her desk.

She takes a second to get herself looking dignified and sparks her horn. The projector pops on.

"So I guess we'll start with what we know already and that iiiiiissss-" She fumbles out, trying to get her magic slides working.

"We know how to survive (A slide pops on the screen, it has a red cross, a happy Sun and a glass of water on it), you know health, cleanliness, sunshine, medicine when we're sick and water when we thirst."

"Second, we know how to cry. (A slide of a pony in the fetal position, crying) You know 'boo-hoo my mare friend broke up with me!', 'Hey, I'm having a bad day wa wa wa', or you know; Tragedy, on an interspecies-wide scale, which will not happen because Twilight WILL be back with us soon."

"Third, we know how to have an orgasm! Or do we?? Ooohh, I see some of you ponies blushing out there, or is it just me? Oh, is she crying? Are you crying? Oh yeah, I guess that wasn't the best segue. Look every creature, Twilight will be back, we've dealt with far worse, many times before, and have been fine."

"So don't worry guys, we got this. But you know if Twilight were here she'd want you to focus on your studies. Because she is a brainiac, as always. Okay? Can we do this? Okay? Alright, guys! Okay, so Orgasms-"

She sparks her horn and a slide with the word "Orgasm" on it, appears on the screen.

"-are nature's little reward (She puts another slide on, this one is a duck on a pond.) for wanting to populate the earth- (A slide of the globe, with Starlight giving a thumbs up in the foreground, thus blocking most of the globe.) -expressions of love-(A slide of two ponies kissing, they are both goths.)-showing that we want to please our lover perhaps, (Slide of a tasteful photo of a couple in bliss) or using it at our ahem, personal-(A slightly over-pornographic picture of a pony masturbating)-liberation."

"Did you know that with these three things we could be well on our way as a species to-"

A student raises a hoof.

"Yes, dod-uhm, did you like a question?" Starlight Glimmer dimmed a little, and deflated into her desk chair, she looked pretty foolish. Everyone knew it.

But the student with the raised hoof takes pity on her on just asks his question. "Is this the same type of Sex Ed everybody learns Ms.Glimmer?"

She turns off the projector, and heads towards the back of the room."You know, I've never taken a Sex Ed class before, then again I've never written a curriculum for one before either, but having grown up with it, and having experienced a lot of it, I know lots about it and have researched it quite a bit. So I'm confident you'll all walk out of here with a con-"

She was going to say the word "confident" but got mixed up in complicated anxiety. So instead she froze up and forgot what she was going to say.

But she presses on. "...Smiling attitude about sex or so help me, Celestia, I will kill myself." She switches on the lights. The students rub their eyes, the light is a little harsh.

"But not really, I mean figuratively. Because no one is dying. We're safe here. Okay, every creature? We are safe. Say it with me. We are safe. Okay, let's move on okay."

"Now, we all know what an orgasm feels like huh? (Or do we??) Pretty good huh? What if I told you, that you could have orgasms, endlessly?"

A pony with a heavy Hispanic accent raises a hoof. But you can hear it even when he's silent.

"A..question..?" Starlight said, carefully.

"Wouldn't that like, scramble your brain or something?" Said the pony with a normal pony accent.

"Yes! I was hoping you'd bring that up becaaauuuuuussse-" She fumbles with the marker, realizing she forgot to take off the cap.

She scribbles something on the drawing board and the spectacle finishes with the sound of Starlight glimmer putting a bunch of dots on the board with her marker. Which goes; "Boop pop bbup bup bup bup boop bop pop bop bop boop boop bop bop booop boop boop bop." The students kinda lean out of their seats and are anxious to see what it is.

The board reads: "Lunar Pleasure Chart"

The students are agape with indifference, one pony raises a hoof but then forgets what he wants to ask and puts his hoof down.

A griffin speaks up. "It's just a bunch of stars."

"Yes, they're stars! They are stars." Said Starlight, a little too Pictionaire-ingly.

She presses on. "So... Stars... ahem. In a letter from Princess Luna to Celestia, to further the Lunar Sexual Archives, the text of Princess Luna's description of an Auptonomaunt Lunar Orgasm is at our disposal."

No creature raises anything. Their eyes all drift to the board.

A dragon claw is raised.

"Yes? Dragon! No, I mean your name...I'm sorry, which is-"

"Faeda-"

"Faeda. Question?"

"Do you have slides?"

"I do! Oh my gosh, I forgot, thanks for reminding me! I actually have that description highlighted so...thanks Faeda!"

Some ponies' hooves hit their foreheads while Starlight mumbles. "Uuuhhhhhhhhhhhh-oh-wait-uhhhhhhhhhhhh-oh here they are."

Faeda grins.

The other dragons have pity.

The lone griffin is chewing.

The yaks' interests are piqued.

The ponies are embarrassed.

A pony named Slotted Spoon remains impartial.

The next slide comes on, which is a scan of a rather delicate-looking page that perhaps, should not have been scanned. It has the following words scrambled on it.

---

Hello Sister, you wrote and asked us to describe the Auptonomaunt Orgasm for the archives and seeing as we've got some time on our hands we will provide it to you.

A-U-P-T-O-N-O-M-A-U-N-T

The letters have no real literary significance, it's just that the letters look similar to constellations that we have named in our stay on the moon.

When you trace your hoof across those stars, along with the motion that is caused during an Auptonmomaunt Orgasm, you will get the shapes that look like the letters A-U-P-T-O-N-O-M-A-U-N-T.

The cosmos align and will roam about your soul and share its sensation with your entire timeline of existence.

That is to say, we could feel everything in the universe at once focused into our reproductive organs, for instance the clitoris and labia, endlessly cumming with the universe attached and sexually thriving for thousands of years. With the plane of the cosmos spread wide enough so that we won't be shattered by overstimulation or loss of sanity if we wanted to. The motion with which the cosmos weave through your very existence, when compared with the Lunar Chart, spell out "Auptonomaunt."
We will provide the charts in separate letters.

The Auptonomaunt sensation is known to be caused by crying. This is within Alicorn Reason, assuming that one knows enough to make such magic come about, but extends to empathic lesser creatures depending on how powerful their alignment is with immortality. When we are crying, we cry with such ferocity that the empathy latent in all things surfaces. The stars take pity and mesh our existence with the universe, calming our soul, so as to not send the world into chaos. Our cry is split apart by the cosmos and shared among trillions, thus lessening the pain of our woes and subduing our rage.

If we happen to be masturbating at the time, one will experience what we call an Auptonomaunt. The stars vibrate across your existence in a certain shape and pattern, but we have refined it to where the frame of your existence is focused only on your sexual plane, that is our clit and labia, but it is up to us to spread the cosmos wide enough so that we do not lose our minds in the rapture of universal pleasure.

Crying is the way in which our essences push against the universe, the Auptonomaunt is the pull. You need to cry and it is necessary to keep crying when following through. Thus, one can survive the orgasm and push against your existence with your tears to avoid being squashed between reality and voided of space. Sometimes this can be achieved by other creatures' tears depending upon the measure of their grief, but the quantity must be monumental. Sometimes it takes trillions of tears to achieve a single alicorn Auptonomaunt.

We have on occasion used the dreamscape and forced as many creatures as we could into crying in their sleep so we could harvest them. I became addicted to the Auptonomaunt Orgasm and tried to extend the night so I could harvest more tears within nightmares. But after a while, we were able to achieve an Auptonomaunt by merely crying, our body had become so filled with sorrow that the stars took pity of their own volition and our tears were all we needed to achieve nirvana and our madness turned into pleasure.

When one is cumming with the tears of the universe, one learns to be an optimist.

One gets lonely when one is among the stars.

Thank you for the Lunar Archives my sister, they are keeping my sanity.

LNM

---

A pony named Slotted Spoon raises a hoof. "Uuhhhhh-"

Author's Note

Inb4 the spongebob memes start rolling in.