The Human Pet

Crimson Star had used his royal authority to commandeer a hot air balloon from Twilight Sparkle, the very same one she'd used to make her first trip to Ponyville.

"Sir, could you please just explain to me why we can't use a normal carriage?! I am very concerned about this tiny little factoid!" screamed a terrified Power Point over the loud roar of the propane burner.

Crimson leaned against the wall of the basket, with a dashing yet carefree pose that he hoped would emanate pure heroism. "It's all very simple, my Pointy friend!" He screamed back. "Carriages are used by wealthy ponies! We're going to a poor fishing village! This is much more inconspicuous!"

"What?!"

"I SAID, THIS IS MUCH MORE INCONSPICUOUS!!"

"But our carriage had an invisibility spell!" Super Star protested.

Crimson clacked his tongue impatiently. "And what if somepony bumped into it? You must think ahead, sis!"

Super Star facehoofed. "What are we even supposed to do??"

"Princess Luna, Nurse Redheart and Private Lighthouse disappeared trying to make contact with the criminal element. We have to follow their footsteps, find out what went wrong and complete the mission!"

"What's the town called?" asked Power Point, already taking notes for her mission report.

Crimson bit his lip. "Well, um... Seahorse." There was a moment of silence. "Because of the fishing-"

"We get it." The others deadpanned. They now numbered four, as Crimson had managed to persuade Zecora to join them. She had been a close friend of the late Care Taker, and was also armed with various potions and herbs that Crimson felt could be invaluable on a spy mission.

Plus, the way she talked kept cracking him up.

Sagely, the zebra said: "Perhaps Discord's words of wisdom you should now reveal, as we approach this great ordeal."

"Oh? What's she talking about? Do you know something we don't, brother?" asked Super Star warily.

"Well, yes." Crimson puffed his chest up proudly. "Skinny once told me how many licks you need to get to the center of a Tootsie roll. The world may never know!"

"Crimson!"

The bat sergeant giggled. "Okay, okay! Before they left to go rescue Trixie and Eris, I asked Discord for advice on how to find the criminal contact we're looking for. So I have a plan. Sort of."

"We're all gonna die!" Power Point mewled suddenly. She blushed. "Sorry, my blood pressure and Discord don't see eye to eye."

Crimson ordered her to lay down a map of the village. They all huddled over it, and Crimson covered the basket with a tarp to give them some respite from the noise and weather. "Alright, I know we're not exactly the dream team," he said paternally, "BUT... I hope someone else can complete this sentence for me."

"Just tell us the plan, Crimson Star, things can't get worse than they already are." Zecora sighed.

"Well, Luna was trying to contact a member of the organisation known as EvilCorp."

Power Point gave Zecora a glare of death. "ThiNgS cAn'T gEt wORsE."

The bat sergeant continued. "EvilCorp has a monopoly on all criminal behaviour in Equestria. To put it bluntly, you can't steal an apple without EvilCorp demanding half of it... or else."

Super Star frowned. "How could the Princesses let them get away with it? I mean, if they're so widespread, surely they would have been rooted out."

"Not so. Princess Celestia is the CEO of EvilCorp." Crimson explained matter-of-factly.

Everyone gasped. They drew closer, all ears swiveling in Crimson's dirextion.

"You see, Equestria has managed to make unsavoury crimes (like murder) a thing of the past largely because EvilCorp has banned them. Even thievery is closely regulated. As such, criminals police themselves. It is more profitable not to harm other ponies. Of course, they do not know it is the Princesses who rule Equestria on both sides of the law. It is a system that has worked remarkably well... until now. Somehow, the recent schemes of my mother escaped the Princesses' notice. It is likely that a faction of EvilCorp has gone renegade, which can only mean that one of the high level kingpins has taken the enormous risk of turning against the highest authority. Presumably, he or she hopes that the Nightmare's return will enable them to escape retribution. That's where we come in."

"Is it too late to turn around?" asked Zecora weakly. "I think I left my kettle running on the ground."

"EvilCorp does not only keep a tight lid on crime. In all the high-profile cases, it funds crime. Of course, the victims are reimbursed in one way or another out of the Princesses' personal coffers, and the criminals are none the wiser. But the point is that for Crystal to purchase all the power she needs to realign the Tradestones, she will need to get more funding from EvilCorp. We find the renegade faction, we find her, we save the day! Piece of cake!"

"Dare I ask who we're going to meet?" Super Star sighed.

Crimson could only shrug his shoulders. "I've no idea. It was Luna's contact, not Celestia's. She already checked with hers. All we know is that the contact is in that particular town. We've just got to draw their attention with a crime!" He thumped his hoof against a building on the map. "Ladies... we're gonna rob a bank!"

"Crystal!" Governor Glow called from his office. "Come on in, the door's open."

Crystal Star forced an amicable expression on her face. She despised the bureaucratic leader, but reminded herself that this was the final desperate hour. Once Nightmare Moon was resurrected, Glow would be crushed like the daytime cockroach he truly was.

The Governor leaned back on his armchair. His infant filly was lying on his lap, and enjoyed pets from daddy. "Look, Cozy, we have a visitor!"

Cozy Glow looked at Crystal Star. Although she was only a toddler, Crystal thought that the filly's eyes were remarkably alert and focused. They stayed fixed on her as the Governor spoke: "I heard you've suffered a few setbacks. That unfortunate business in the Caverns... and all our Changeling friends, scarpered."

"Acceptable losses." Crystal argued. "Mere pawns. My 'unfortunate business' as you call it was merely an experiment, using the Amulet to accelerate our timetable."

"And to avoid asking me for another loan. I wonder how your son will react when he finds out you wasted all his money on our projects." The Governor chuckled darkly. "He's been making quite a name for himself. A pity you couldn't win him over."

"My daughter has left to convince him."

He scoffed. Cozy Glow yawned, as if on cue. "I'm not interested in your family melodrama." The Governor growled, humour dissipating from his voice. "I'm a business pony. And when I don't see profits, I get concerned. I start to wonder if I shouldn't pull the plug on a failing venture."

Crystal Star bared her teeth and extended her wings in an ancient, instinctual display of force. "Don't push me, Governor. The Nightmare will reward you, but she will honour me. You want to be my friend."

He smirked, admiring her fangs and feral eyes. Cozy clapped. "I don't ordinarily respond to threats, but I admit I have a weakness for strong mares. You should stay in Sugar Town. We'd make an unstoppable team."

"I'm married." said Crystal tonelessly.

"Well, he's dead."

"You'd be surprised at how little difference that makes." Crystal Star's husband Gold Star had not been a particularly strong thestal, but his family descended from Nightmare Moon's original guards. For bats, that outranked nobility. Crystal would have rather died before replacing them - or even just Gold - with this daytimer filth.

"Ah well. Had to try." The Governor shrugged. Cozy crossed her hooves and stuck out her tongue in a foalish gesture. "Well, if you want me to pay for the theft of the Tradestones - which, you can imagine, wasn't easy, they were right under the Princesses' noses - AND for procuring the spell needed to split Luna's personality AND a powerful unicorn needed to make such a complex spell work AND keeping Luna contained here until we do... I suggest you go and make yourself useful, pet." He smiled wolfishly, knowing that Crystal was in no position to argue. "Break our guest Rainbow Dash for me."