The Mysterious Man With The Weird Outfit
Equestria LifeWritten By: BlackMirage & TheHighlander
It was a normal spring day, the birds were chirping, the smell of freshly cut grass was in the air, the sun was beating down, occasionally a squirrel would run out in the road and narrowly miss a car, I was blaring First of The Year from my house and my neighbor was bitching at me, what a great day!
“If you don’t turn that fucking music off right now-“
“What? I can’t hear you over the music” I said, interrupting him and pointing to my ear to show I couldn’t hear him,
He walked away after that, I knew what he was doing; he was going to go crying to his son and tell him to beat my ass.
He stomped up my driveway a few minutes later; I put my Top Gun style sunglasses over my eyes, I hated when people looked me in the eyes,
“Listen here you little punk-“ He tried,
“Let me just stop you right there, because personally, I don’t give a shit” I said,
“Those glasses look stupid on you” he said,
“I wonder how they’d look on you then” I said,
“Look here, that music is stupid and loud, please turn it down” he said,
I sighed loudly, “Well, because you said please”
I walked over to the stereo system and turned it down, watching him walk away I waved with a stupid smile on my face,
I walked inside; it was too hot outside anyways.
I checked my phone, my friend had called me six times in the past twenty minutes,
I decide to call him back, it was probably about the story me and him were writing together for FimFiction.
One ring and he picked it up,
“Hey man, I’ve been trying to get ahold of you” he said,
“I noticed, what’s up?” I asked,
“I met this creepy guy today, he was in this weird getup too” He said,
“Why are you even telling me this?” I asked, confused by his stupidity,
“Because, he has me locked in my closet and he’s inside my house” He said,
“Wait… what?” I asked, laughing to myself,
“Seriously, I need you to get over here” he said,
“Did you call the cops?” I asked, getting up,
“The only number in my phone that would work was yours” he said,
“I’ll be right over” I said, hanging up the phone,
I hopped in my car and pulled out of my driveway, almost hitting a few of the neighborhood kids in the process, after getting the evil eye from some parents I gave them a sheepish smile and sped off down the road,
What did that idiot get himself into?
I pictured a man in a Swimming outfit with a gun pointed at my best friends head, he said a weird getup didn’t he?
I screeched to a halt on the road on the side of his house, the door was wide opened and a man in a Hawaii shirt with black glasses and yoga pants on was sitting on the front porch, sipping a glass of chocolate milk and eating cotton candy,
“What’s the big idea here dude?” I shouted,
“Hmm? Oh you must be Mirage, take a seat” he said, snapping his fingers, making a chair appear out of nowhere,
“I’m not sitting down until… Wait, how did you know about that name?” I asked,
“I read your stories all the time!” He said, laughing to himself, “And I haven’t even made ONE single appearance!”
That laugh seemed oddly familiar,
“Who are you?” I asked,
He flipped down his glasses, showing two disfigured golden and red eyes,
Disfigured… Disfig… Dis… Discord!
Did my eyes deceive me? Was I really looking into Discord’s eyes?
“You certainly are” he said,
“What?” I asked,
“I can hear your thoughts” he said,
It was Discord!
“I already told you that” he said,
“How are you even here?” I asked,
“On earth? Oh it’s just a little hobby of mine” Discord said,
“What do you want?” I asked,
“To teach you a lesson” he said,
And with that he splashed his chocolate milk into my face and eyes, blinding me briefly, I could feel him pushing me inside and tried to resist but he just kept pushing, it was like my feet wouldn’t get any traction from…
That fucker turned the carpet into soap!
“Conner!” A voice shouted, it was Jack,
“Jack what the hell is this man?” I asked,
“He’s gonna rape us!” he shouted,
“I would do no such thing!” Discord said, sounding offended,
“Why did you take me out of the shower when I was butt ass naked?!” Jack shouted,
I kept my eyes closed. Fuck you Brokeback Mountain for putting these images in my mind,
“Don’t you ever get impatient?” Discord asked,
“What are you gonna do then?” Jack asked,
“I’m going to teach you a lesson” He said, repeating what he said to me,
“Is it a lesson in rape?” he asked,
“Jack what is with your obsession with rape?!” I shouted, “You’re gonna give him ideas!”
“You two have got to be the biggest idiots I’ve ever dealt with” Discord said, Face… pawing?
“What do you do to idiots?” Jack asked, gasping,
I kicked in his general direction, connecting with his ribcage,
“Ow!” he yelped,
“Shut up already!” I said,
“Okay this is what is going to happen” Discord said, “You two are going on a trip!”
“A Trip to where? Rapetown?” Jack asked,
I kicked him again, making him yelp again,
"No Mars" He said,
"But there isn't any air!" Jack cried out
"I'm just kidding!" Discord said, laughing again,
"Where are we going really Discord?" I asked,
"Equestria!" he said,
"What?!" Jack gasped,
“Have fun!” Discord shouted,
I felt something hit me in the side of the head and I was immediately knocked out.
Ponies Are Too Manestream For Discord
A spiral of colors ascended around me, it looked like the walls were covered in paintings. I felt that feeling a falling, the one where air rushes past your body and you get a sinking feeling in your stomach. Images on the walls seemed to become detached as I fell and follow me somehow, then one sped down towards me and smashed into my face, sending shards of colorful glass-like material in every direction.
I now noticed that someone was screaming, it was more of a high pitched squawk really, quite confusing really, as I surveyed my surroundings no one else was around me except that big ass dog and...
Big ass dog?!
I looked over to my left, sure enough, an unnaturally sized dog flailed his arms and tried to flap them like wings, his pupils growing smaller and smaller by the second as he looked down. It was quite amusing really.
Then I remembered, Oh shit, I'm falling too.
I then realized it was me making those horrible squawking noises, but... how?
I looked down, or at least the way I thought was down, just as another picture smashed into the side of my head,
"What's going on?!" A frantic voice asked from my left,
I looked in the voice's direction, The dog was staring right at me, like he was asking me something, it had brown fur and gigantic forearms, it's muzzle stuck out fairly far, along with his long, black, dagger-like claws emanating from his paws.
"Ahh!!!!" It screamed, not in a very dog-like voice,
"What's your problem?" I asked, for falling down into the very pits of god knows where, I could hear pretty well,
"Who are you?!" It asked,
I was startled by the dog's ability to talk, "Who are you?!" I asked, I kept being distracted something yellow and foreign on my nose... but I couldn't figure out what it was.
"Conner?!" it asked,
"Jack?!"
I could recognize that idiot's voice from anywhere.
"Why are you a bird thing?!"
"Why are you a dog thing?!"
Then I remembered what the body was, a diamond dog.
Discord!
Another picture smashed into my face, I saw Jack get hit too.
"What are these things?" He asked,
"I don't know! what did Discord do?" I asked, feeling bile rise in my throat,
"I don't know!!!" He barked,
ha ha, barked.
Another picture floated in front of me but didn't hit me, I examined the thing as fast as I could, it was a purple lightning bolt, outlined in rough white marks, it was Mirage's cutie mark, My pony O.C. stood next to me, examining the picture with me,
I turned to look at him, in shock and awe.
"Sup!" he said,
WHAM!!!
Have you ever been hit by a train? Yeah, me neither so I can't say it felt anything like that,
It felt like I fell off of building and landed on the hard ground, then was smashed by a washing machine, who, in this case was Jack.
"Get... Off... Of Me!" I shouted, trying to inhale,
"Get out from under me!" Jack shouted,
"That isn't even possible! you're a goddamn giant!" I screamed,
"Fine" he said, hopping up,
I inhaled deeply, trying to catch my breath, I was surprised how fast he had gotten up, I was hurting pretty badly, then again, he DID use me as a cushion.
"Where are we?" I asked,
"You won't believe me if I tell you" He said,
I rolled over and peered through the landscape, I little town was off in the distance, but it looked, almost pastel colored, hell, I looked pastel colored,
"It looks like we're in a cartoon" I said, "Did you drug me?"
"No!" He said,
"Is this some kind of joke?" I asked,
"No!"
"Then what's going on?"
He put a paw on his chin and looked around, eventually stopping on me,
"Gilda?" he asked,
"What?" I asked,
"You're a griffin!" He said,
"Shut. Up." I said, looking over my body, sure enough, I was an eagle/lion hybrid,
No Fucking Way. I thought,
My body was the spitting image of Gilda, although I had grey feathers, a cream colored coat and the regular yellow claws.
"This is so..." I trailed off,
"Awesome?" he asked,
"No! it's supremely fucked up dude!" I yelled, "This isn't right!"
"No way!" He said, "Have you not seen where we are?"
I actually hadn't put one and one together yet an realized the magnitude of the situation, "No" I said flatly,
"We're in Equestria dude! our dreams come true! things only achieved in Fan Fiction!" He explained,
"Exactly my point! This can't be possible!" I said,
"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to say hi to Rainbow Dash!" He said, walking off in the 'Haters Gonna Hate' fashion for a few seconds, then falling on his face.
"Wait just a minute!" I cried, trying to get up myself, it was almost like I was in a bear crawl position, but was oddly comfortable.
I struggled to walk over to him, I guessed that I looked like a drunken idiot from the way I was stumbling about.
"You think they're just going to let some random diamond dog just waltz up into Ponyville?" I asked, "And not do anything about it?"
He looked dumbfounded for a second, then he got a look of shock on his face, "I'm a what?!"
I examined his body, A light brown fur covered his body, black was on the tips of his ears, a pair of golden eyes were fixed onto his face just above a elongated muzzle, he didn't look like any Diamond Dogs from the show, he seemed to be more of a German Shepard from earth.
"Oh, that could be a problem." He said,
"That's what I thought" I said with a snicker,
He glanced over to me with a scowling look on his face, "You think they're going to let a Griffin walk into town? Remember what kind of a impression Gilda made when she was on the show?"
He did have a point.
Oh, this was going to be a long day.