A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

It was a day that looked completely normal in the bright and colorful land of Equestria. Celestia's Sun was warmly shining in the skies, its golden rays touching the land below with an unmatched grace. The wild animals bustled around, cheerful squeaks filling the air. The ponies went on with their lives, their towns and villages welcoming as usual.

"I don't care"

All over the beautiful land of Equestria, joy and peace prevailed, its friendly inhabitants enjoying the warm days of the passing Summer.

"Stop!"

Even in the Everfree forest, a place nearly devoid of all this bliss, the inhospitable nature seemed to be embellished by all this warmth, the silent trees calmer than usual.

"Hey, are you even listening to me?"

...

"I know the world is beautiful and all, but... who cares?"

Perhaps, this day wasn't completely normal after all. Indeed, in the midst of a clearing in the cursed woodland, quite an unusual creature held itself on its hind legs. Its alien features, along with its rudeness were highly unusual in the Equestrian land. It...

"Shut up! I'm not that rude, you sick fuck!" it uttered at the air, then added "And stop narrating shit no one cares about so that I can talk to myself properly!"

...

"OK, I can finally have some peace now!" it said to itself, as its loneliness had no equal other than its stupidity.

"Hey, I'm not that lonely! You know, I'm a very social person in reality. Just that here I don't really have anyone to talk to." it lied.

"No I didn't! And stop calling me it, it's really unnerving!" replied the impolite idiot.

"Really?" he added, disagreed with his new title.

"You know what? I don't care. I'll ignore you for the moment, because I really need some time to process what just happened and it's not an annoying narrator who will stop me from doing it." he sat down in the shining grass, visibly accepting his defeat.

"Oh, shut up! Don't interrupt me while I'm awkwardly monologuing to myself"

...

"Wait, Why the fuck am I even able to speak to the narrator?... Why is there even a narrator in the first place?... I guess, you won't help me with that, will you?"

...

"Yeah, that's what I thought. Didn't expect better from such a jerk!

"Well, back to my topic. Now that I think about it, I guess it kinda makes sense for a narrator to exist here in Equestria... Wait, in Equestria

"OK, so how the fuck did I end up here?... I don't remember smoking any illegal substances lately. I didn't even drink anything. That's unusual...

"Oh right, that thing! I didn't think the weirdly cheep-looking ritual I saw in this stupid YouTube video would actually work. I mean, you can't blame me. When the thing asks you to draw a pentagram on the floor with ketchup, put an MLP figurine in the middle, light up blue electric candles all around it, play the Star Wars theme on a Kazoo and do a Fortnight dance while wearing flip-flops with socks. How could I have expected it to actually send me to Equestria?... Or even do anything other than embarrass myself in my extreme and utter loneliness...

"Well, I guess now that it happened I can't really do anything about it. Or can I? And is it really a bad thing anyway? I mean, Equestria looks like a lovely place when it's not described by one of those edgy grimdark fanfic authors. I think I won't mind staying here for some time.

"But then, does Equestria have good Internet connection?... I suppose not... Then it's terrible! How am I supposed to survive without browsing my shitty reddit memes?! I'll die of boredom!

"Well, I guess I don't really have the choice anyway... So, if I'm here, what could I possibly do? You know, this place feels weird. I've never really been outside for more time than is needed to by some pasta.

"Hmm... I mean, I could do the reasonable thing, go meet the ponies, scare them, spend some time doing shit with them... I don't know, fuck a horse? But would it be fun?... Would it?... I don't know.

"Maybe I have a better plan. Yeah, what if I tried to become one of those shitty OP human in Equestria OCs. That sounds better. I think I even have a plan!

"So, the idea would be to:
-A; find one of the many OP artifacts that are pretty much everywhere, here in Equestria
-B; use it to obtain infinite power and become an edgy villain
-C;... I don't know... profit?

"Doesn't my plan sound lovely?... Oh shit, I forgot I'm completely alone and talking to myself in the middle of the forest. Wait, I'm not completely alone...

"Hey, narrator, could you be useful for once and approve my amazingly perfect plan?" he cried out, scaring several birds on the adjacent trees.

However, no response could be heard, the forest remaining silent and menacing as before.

"OK then, I guess you superior fuck are too occupied by your —oh so important— deeds to care about us mortals. Then know that I'll continue my needlessly long exposition monologue without any of your help!

"So where was I?... Ah yeah, I was talking about my awesome plan. Well, the first thing to do would be to find an OP artifact. It shouldn't be too hard... I think. Well, if I'm in the Everfree forest, the first obvious thing to look for would be the Alicorn Amulet. But I'm not like all these hypothetical normies! What if I try to find one of the fallen stars from the Cosmic Chaos? You know that evil thing that they just introduced in the last MLP comic?"

...

"Oh right, I'm alone... Well, it doesn't matter, I'll do it anyway... I just need to know where to look."

...

"Hey, narrator! Could you, in your godly grace and infinite wisdom, indicate me the position of said fallen star, as my mortal intellect —greatly lacking compared to that of your kind— is unable to locate a buried jewel from its vague depiction in a comic book?" asked the human, his eyes filling with hope.

The expectation within his gaze however, turned to disappointment, as in the blue skies, a cloud formation closely resembling a human middle finger appeared, slowly floating to the whim of wind and rapidly dissolving.

"I'll take it as a No. Oh and by the way, please call me John. It will make life easier both for me and for you." added John, the disappointment in his eyes quickly fading away.

"Then, I guess I'll have to go for the Alicorn Amulet instead. It's probably better anyway. I wouldn't want to be possessed by a sassy cosmic deity... Or would I? NO! Of course not! What the fuck is wrong with me!

"Huh, anyway, I could already get a backup plan. Knowing my amazing discretion skills it probably won't hurt. Well, What are the other OP trinkets I could steal? Hmm... I guess I could write a list. Wait, where am I supposed to write, I'm in a fucking forest!" John cried out of discontent when suddenly, his hand collided with something in his pocket that he didn't pay attention to earlier.

"Wait, it's paper? Where the fuck did that come from? And there's a pencil here too...weird... Oh right!" the realization hit John like a train wreck.

"I guess you're not that useless after all, thanks a lot oh great and powerful narrator!" he said, his eyes expressing such thankfulness it couldn't possible be described.

"I wouldn't go that far, but yeah. I might insult you slightly less often now that I know you can actually help me when you feel like it." as he finished these words, John took out his newfound paper and started scribbling on it with his terrible handwriting.

"Hey, I usually write on computers don't blame me! And besides, if you don't want me to insult you, you should speak a bit less often."

...

"Well, let's get down to business, to... oh I really shouldn't randomly start singing for no reason. Yeah, now that I think about it, if you include the comics, there is a lot of different OP artifacts I could have access to. Like, at least three or something. I think doing a list should be pretty easy."

"Let's go with that for the moment. Stealing the Alicorn Amulet shouldn't be that complicated anyway! I hope... Oh, I think I have another problem."

"WHERE THE FUCK AM I!" John uttered at the top of his lungs, his displeased voice nearly reaching Zecora's hut, nearly ten miles to the North.

"Oh narrator, thanks again mate!... Wait, ten miles! First, that's fucking lame. Knowing my agility and speed, the journey'll probably take about two days. And second, HOW THE FUCK DID MY SCREAM REACH THAT FAR?!" he shouted, his voice imbued with the ambient magic that immediately amplified it, spreading the sound in every direction.

"Yeah, that's right, try to cover up script incoherence with random magical bullshit. I'm sure no one will notice!" said the ungrateful jerk also known as John.

"Oh, come on! I thanked you, isn't that enough? And besides, it's not my fault that this fucking house isn't any closer. I wonder who decided that, Huh?" exclaimed the impolite human as his endless shouting and useless monologuing started to draw local Timberwolves' attention to the small clearing.

"OK, chill dude, I won't talk shit to you again. I'm not ready for this! I don't want to already die!" he cried out, the screams further luring the wooden predators.

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!... Wait, I could talk in my thoughts instead of randomly screaming for the entire forest to hear..." he thought, the rumbling mess within his brain setting itself in motion.

"Nah, that's too easy!" he exclaimed proudly "Oh narrator, I thought we already got over it! Don't comment on every single line of my awkward monologue! I don't care! And even if you're talking to someone else, they probably aren't so stupid that you actually need to tell them every single of my movements!" as he finished his sentence, a dry branch cracked not too far away in the forest. The Timberwolves were approaching.

"That doesn't sound good... Doesn't sound good at all. I need to come up with something and fast or my first day in this world might also be the last (wow that rhymes, cool)... I don't want that, I already composed a perfect plan! It'd be such a shame if I don't get to put it into action!"

"Yeah, that's clearly the thing that scared me the most in death, except maybe... THE FACT I'LL FUCKING DIE!" this last scream was so loud that the wolves —that already lurked only several dozens of meters away— immediately jerked their heads towards the sound, their morbid howl filling the air as they stalked their prey.

"Shit"