A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

"Wolves, why did it have to be wolves? Or anything mildly dangerous even? Why did it have to be something able to kill me?" John was starting to freak out, the feeling of being encircled was really getting up to his nerves.

The pack was forming around him. Amidst the silent trees, a barking noise...

"Mate, I might be freaked out right now, but I can't just let you do this: you can't just put shitty puns in the middle of dramatic description! It just doesn't work... Oh, shit, I just saw one!"

The sparkle of a green eye caught John's attention as he helplessly looked around, in search of some sort of shelter. The wooden predators advanced, their bark cracking and grinding as a forest fire. He could hear them, they surrounded him. The forest was merciless, nothing but trees could be seen around John as the first Timberwolf stepped out of the woods.

"Trees... There's nothing but trees here, what can I do? Wait, trees can help. I could try climbing on one." as soon as the idea emerged in his brain, John rushed towards the nearest tree that didn't have a wolf near it and jumped on its trunk.

"Shit, it's slippery. I knew I wasn't good at climbing, but am I really that bad at it?" he exclaimed as his feet and hands found no place to grip the twisted bark, his nonathletic muscles struggled to push the weight of his body upwards.

"Hey, don't underestimate my sportive skills! I'm not even that bad at this. Look, I already climbed at least... one foot!" he retorted, a bit hurt in what seemed like a sensitive spot.

"It's not a sensitive spot, you fuck! I'm completely OK with my amazing muscles!" he added, heavily sweating despite remaining nearly immobile. However, the Timberwolves remained unimpressed by his achievement. As more and more stepped out of the gloomy forest and entered the clearing, the imposing size of the pack made the encounter even more terrifying.

"Oh shit, you're right! How am I supped to do anything against this when I can't even climb a fucking tree properly?! I mean, I kinda did it now, I'm 6 feet off the ground. They can't touch me now, can they? I don't know, amazing as it is, even my strategy might not be enough! What the fuck am I supposed to even do?...

"Oh, just a quick note for you. When I die —because that's clearly what's about to happen— could you please not go into too much details on the pain and suffering? You know, pain is already painful enough! I don't need some guy putting emphasis on every injury!" but as John pronounced what sounded like his last words, something unexpected occurred on the —now wolf-filled— clearing.

"Oh fuck yeah! Hit me with this something! Please tell me it's some Deus Ex Machina bullshit that lets me survive!... I don't think I'll make it otherwise."

A low-pitched roar made itself heard.

"That doesn't sound good... Or does it?"

The earth shook slightly as an enormous Manticore emerged from the forest. Taking no notice of John, the giant creature focused all its fury on the pack of Timberwolves, the latter apparently invading its territory. The wooden creatures gave out scared noises, even they afraid of the titanic monster.

"OK, that already sounds like the shitty Deus Ex Machina I ordered! Thanks man! You know, you're very lucky that I'm in that tree and can't see shit, because otherwise I would have told you to shut up long ago. Anyway, sorry for interrupting you, please don't try killing me again!... For the moment at least..."

The Manticore roared once again, its sharp fangs bare and eager to kill. The creature swung its scorpion tail toppling several wolves. Some of its foes tried riposting, but all in vain. The imposing creature remained unhindered, its thick hide and unmatched agility deflecting all attacks. The beast spread its gigantic wings, roaring again and taking a pose that clearly indicated its murderous intents.

"Wow! Man, you're really good when describing action scenes. Just don't spend time commenting random bullshit like trees and birds. Go straight to the action!"

This is when a tiny bird returned to its nest somewhere on the other end of the forest, the cute critter happily singing...

"Hey! I know you did that just to piss me off! Don't! Can't I even congratulate you now? Describe the fucking action, I'm listening for once!" while John talked to the air, the fight below his feet continued. Knocking off several more wolves, the Manticore grabbed one of its wooden attackers. However, the content expression on its face turned to one of disgust as instead of the sweet taste of meat, dried wood touched its tongue.

"Yuck! That must taste awful! I remember that one time when I lost a bet and needed to chew on a plank because... Now that I think about it, this probably isn't the time to tell traumatizing childhood experiences that I totally didn't just make up..."

As several other Timberwolves crumbled into bark and branches, the rest begun to flee, the raging Manticore too big of an enemy to take. The giant beast however only got angrier after discovering they weren't eatable. It charged behind one of the wolves fiercely roaring and uprooting several trees in its wake. The muted sounds of chaos and destruction became more and more distant as the beasts ran off into the forest. John was alone once again.

"That's awesome! Now I can finally get off that stupid tree and tell you to shut up! Wait, I probably shouldn't tell you to shut up. You just demonstrated you can easily kill me before saving my life. I should be grateful!... or at least a bit less cocky... Yeah, let's go with that.

"Oh, and before I forget, I know I asked for a shitty Deus Ex Machina but this was pretty basic. I mean, don't get me wrong, it did save me in a really cheap way, but I thought you'd come up with something better than the there's an even bigger monster thing!" said John, overwhelmed by confidence. However, he probably should have been a bit more cautious, as the enormous manticore started to wonder whether it should come back to his favorite clearing...

"OK, I GET IT! I won't criticize you anymore! (Or at least I'll do it a bit less often) Just please don't try to kill me!" he pleaded, the Manticore mysteriously changing its mind and deciding to continue its Timberwolf hunt.

"Phew! This was a close one. OK, I should probably start moving to the North if I don't want to get eaten by something before even seeing the Alicorn Amulet. So... let's try to start by finding the North... How do I do that?" he quizzed himself. In the meantime, the first rays of the setting Sun touched the treetops of the western part of the Everfree Forest, its reassuring glow still penetrating through the thick vegetation and bathing some parts of the cursed soil in its blessed light.

"Well, that's pretty cool. But where is North in relation to West? Its on the left, right? Right? Left? I don't know. Let's just go with my gut and hope that the power of plot convenience guides me towards the correct direction." he said, turning right towards the South and embarking on a long and pointless journey towards the Ghastly Gorge...

"OK, I guess my gut was stupid as always. I was thinking about amputating it anyway... Uh, so let's get back to the point, or to the North I'd rather say. I wouldn't want this whole adventure to go South if you know what I mean!"

...

"Come on! You've heard worse puns before! It wasn't that bad!"

...

"Oh, shit, I forgot you're the narrator and can't express anything in any way other than third person description. That's clearly the only reason you aren't laughing to my amazing joke!" exclaimed John in a desperate attempt to comfort himself despite his obviously bad humor.

"..."

...

"OK, let's move on then. Sooo, where was the North again? Oh right, it was over there I remember it! You don't even need to remind me of anything. I'm a big boy!" he triumphantly pronounced, heading straight South.

"I guess I'm not that much of a big boy after all. Alright let's finally get moving!... To the North.

"Oh fuck, I don't like how these trees look. They're all scary and evil and stuff. I'm just a regular guy! I'm not prepared to walk through the Everfree Forest! And what if there is even more Timberwolves? It's dangerous!

"No, I shouldn't stop now, I only moved two steps forward, it isn't enough to do a dramatic change of mind!

"And then, the power calls me! I can hear it! I can hear the Amulet begging to be stolen and worn by the complete idiot that I am!... Or its just my brain making up voices due to my extreme loneliness... That would explain the narrator...

"Anyway,
I must walk! I must brave my fears! I must do useless anaphoras for dramatic emphasis! It is my duty!... No, actually it isn't. It's just an arbitrary goal I've set to myself for no reason!

"Well these random self-encouraging and falsely deep thinking allowed me to waste some time. Wait, did I just see a path over there? Yeah, that's right, there's a path! But then, do I want to take it? I mean, it would probably be easier than walking in this thick underbrush! There are spikes and vines everywhere! I'm sure I already got poisoned by at least twelve different plants by now! Its painful as fuck!

"But then if there's somepony on this road? Yes, somepony. I'm sure they would freak out and run into the forest or something. At least that's what I'd do in this situation. And then I'd have to explain who the fuck am I and that'd be boring. And I'm very bad at explaining stuff, so they probably wouldn't understand shit. And I'll have to comfort em and all. I really don't want to be hugging a scared pony at the moment.

"Or do I? This sounds way better than I thought actually. Ponies do sound like something extremely appropriated for cuddling... No, I will not do that! The hugging of equines will only be my highest reward for becoming an edgy villain. I won't do that right now! And then, I wouldn't want to start some cheesy romance plot right at the moment. I'm sure the narrator's only waiting for that to start spitting out endless paragraphs of long and boring description of feelings! I wouldn't do something susceptible of pleasing the narrator!

"Fuck! My shitty self-dialogue distracted me so much I already got on this fucking path. I need to get into the forest right now or some random creature'll just pop out of nowhere and get scared!" exclaimed John as just several dozens yards away, a...

"No, you won't do that! If I don't stop talking and interrupting you, you won't be able to finish this description thus, whatever you were going for won't appear: Haha, I got you! I bet you didn't think about that, did you?! Your plans so eas... cough... cough" suddenly a wild fly flew into John's mouth, making him choke heavily and completely unable to speak.

Meanwhile, the pink pegasus also known as Fluttershy happily trotted amidst the trees of the Everfree forest. Accompanied by the whistles of birds, she was humming a cheerful melody, her thoughts completely devoid of any negativity. Upon her path, countless critters exited their nests and burrows greeting the kind pony.

However, John's reaction was all the opposite. As soon as he saw the approaching mare, he bolted into a bush, stumbling upon a rock and falling into the vegetation with a loud noise still accompanied by his heavy coughing.

This clumsy tentative to escape didn't go unnoticed. Even if she didn't see what did all that racket, Fluttershy immediately decided to help whatever poor creature was behind it.

"Come on little one!" she called "Come out, don't be scared. I hear you got a bad cough, I'm sure I can help you fix that!" she added receiving no response other than even more coughing.

Resolute to help the creature out, Fluttershy used the tip of her wings to push some of the bush's branches aside and see what was the animal that got into trouble. However, what met her here was completely the opposite of what she expected.

"WHAT ARE YOU?!" she squeaked, quickly hiding her face behind her wings and starting to shiver.

His throat finally free of the fly, John didn't hesitate a second before responding.

"What?! Come on! You aren't scared when you're dealing with Cerberus or a Manticore, but I make you cry in fear? Am I really this ugly? Am I? Do you know how insulted I feel right now? Well, now you do! You're really hurting my feelings!

"Well, with that out of the way, I'll just awkwardly go away, leaving you shocked and wondering what the fuck just happened... You know, I would have given you a warm hug and a somewhat clear explanation, but I'm in a bit of a hurry so it won't be possible for the moment... Yeah, so I'll just walk into the forest like some weird cryptid...

"You didn't see me! Uh, I mean you did and sorry for that, but just don't tell Zecora that some weird alien creature's going to pay her a visit. Don't do that... Shit, did I just reveal you my plan? Yes... I did... So, yeah forget about that!

"Bye, have a good day!"

This dialog masterfully executed, John did exactly as he said, walking into the forest and leaving a terrified Fluttershy behind him.

"Thanks man! I feel bad now! And then, I'm sure she's going to tell that she saw me to literally every single character of the show! I don't want the entirety of Equestria to know I'm here! Oh, right, if I want this, I probably need to stop screaming every other sentence. That'd help.

"Besides, I think I'm approaching my destination... No I'm not, I've only walked for about half an hour! At this rate it'll take about... a lot of hours to get to Zecora.

"Oh, I know! I could do a time skip! Or rather, you could do a time skip! Doesn't that sound lovely?" he quizzed the air, the latter seeming to agree.

"OK then, do that! It's time skip... time!"

After several hours of long and exhausting walking, John's legs and feet seriously starting to hurt, the signs of recent equine activity started to appear in the area. The house was approaching.

"Fucking hell, finally! That was terrible! I didn't think you needed to actually do stuff during the time skip! I thought it was just an instantaneous jump to the next relevant moment! Oh fuck! My feet hurt! And then, it's midnight already I can't see shit! That's just horrible.

"At least in the night I'm harder to notice. That's a good thing...

"Oh, shit! I think I just saw some smoke above the trees. Yeah, and there's light not too far away in the distance. Finally! Wait, there's a light? Is she awake or something? That doesn't sound very good...

"Uh, who cares! I can't wait for my first true adventure (that isn't just some shit invented by the narrator) to start! Let's steal that fucking amulet!"