A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

Fuck.

"Utopian approaching top velocity! Auxiliary isotope engines engaged!"

Oh, god, what is this again?

"Autopilot disengaged. Analyzing topical topography."

I'm tempted to ask where am I, but I fear it's not that hard to guess…

I don't like this.

"Immediate general meetop in Destop quarters!"

Fuck, I was right, I'm in the Top spaceship.

Oh and, wait, that planet over there looks familiar…

Oh no… I don't wanna think about this possibility...

I'm kinda curious what they're planning at their meeting now…

"WARNING! WARNING! INFILTRATOP DETECTED ON TOP!"

Well, seems they'll find me before that…

"Stormtoppers deployed. General vigilance atopted."

That's some scary levels of security on this thing, what the fuck?

"Glory to Utopia!"

Fuck, where did these tops with suits and lasers guns come from?

No! Don't kill me!

"Autopsic approach denied. Infiltatop stopped."

Wait, where are you taking me?

No, please don't!

"You are under arrest. By order of the Destop."

Oh no, what the fuck are they going to do to me?

"Meetop unstopped. Infiltratop delivered."

Where the hell did I end up?

"Ah, the human!"

Wait, really? It's that top from my shitty dream?

"See? I was right all along! The Tops are superior to all! And your pitiful world will soon see our superiority!"

This is ridiculous.

"Well, say whatever you want! As your world burns before the great Utopian Empire!"

Yeah, this is probably just a dream.

"You are of no use to me now! Stormtoppers, eliminate the infiltratop!"

Well, guess I'll die…

"Argh…" John painedly grunted as his consciousness finally returned "Oh, fuck… I forgot where I fainted… It's dark already…"

Slowly attempting to get up and having a quick glance around, he realized he was now at the bottom of a small snowy crater, only a glimpse of the nocturnal sky visible through the hole at its top "Wait, why? Oh, right, I got that heating crown thing: the snow just melted around me."

"Which makes me wonder… Hey Sombra, you're still here?" he exclaimed after giving a quick glance to the magical artifact atop his head.

"Yes…" the King's voice unenthusiastically replied in his mind.

"But sadly, so are you…"

"Great. So, firstly, that's not a nice thought to have. Secondly, thanks for saving my life with this crown. There was no way I survived that avalanche otherwise. And finally, did you end up getting away with the bell? Cause, it would be quite helpful if you did." John immediately asked as he heard Sombra's voice.

"Let's simply say that avalanches weren't exactly part of my plan…" the other unhappily started "Neither really was this Grogar, actually. And then, I was never expecting him to not only survive this but also immediately expel me back into your head and leave through a portal of darkness along with the Bell without even giving me a chance."

"Yeah, so basically, everything failed." John sourly concluded after Sombra stopped talking.

"Yes, I couldn't really sum it up better."

"OK, so the first thing to do now, would probably be to get out of here." John sighed after giving another panoramic glance to his snowy prison "Could you maybe… I don't know… teleport me somewhere else? I really don't have any ideas of where to go next though…"

"Honestly, neither do I." Sombra sourly admitted after a moment "All of these defeats only go to show how weak of King I truly am… Unworthy…"

Suddenly something in the small portion of night sky he could see caught John's attention "Sorry to interrupt your depressed monologue" he hesitantly started, squinting at the endless space above "But I think that star over there is getting bigger…"

"A falling star? I think I once heard a legend about these…" Sombra pensively announced, his tone still rather grim.

"No, no, no, I think this is something different" John interrupted now putting all of his efforts into identifying the luminous dot "Oh my god, please no…"

Because as it slowly got closer, the shape of the object finally became apparent: it was a top.

"Oh, for fuck's sake!"

"What is there in this star that bothers you so much?" Sombra confusedly asked, perplexed by John's strange hatred towards this unidentified flying object.

"Because it's not a fucking star!" the other snapped "It's a spaceship full of warmongering sentient tops! Yeah, I know this sounds completely stupid, but that's because it is!" he irately explained, concurrently attempting and failing to climb on top of the snow.

"Are you sure this avalanche didn't damage some of your… mental functions?" Sombra skeptically asked after a small hesitation.

"Fuck off!" John shouted back, reiterating his attempts at climbing "And teleport me on top of this snow or something instead!"

The celestial object was getting bigger. If its course wasn't to change, it was now apparent it would crash somewhere in the immediate surroundings.

Meanwhile, after hesitantly deciding that this human wasn't to be messed with, at the moment, Sombra executed the order, making John reappear on top a small rock formation pointing out of the thick layer of snow.

"Thanks." John shortly dismissed, his gaze continuously fixing the rapidly approaching object.

And a second later, the object fell. Or rather it seemed to fall, but rather gracefully landed on the snowy mountain top, masterfully stopping and changing course just an instant before reaching the ground. A small door opened.

"Glory to Utopia! Surrender or be eliminated!" the prerecorded message resounded from within, its voice slightly strange, especially when it pronounced the word Utopia.

"What is this sorcery?" Sombra confusedly wondered at this sight.

"Phew… it's not as big as I thought…" John concurrently sighed in relief, eyeing the rather small spaceship "Teleport me in there, quick!" he commanded immediately afterwards.

Sombra didn't have the courage nor the strength to argue against, because as smaller top-like creatures exited the ship, John already found himself just at their doors.

"Fuck, they've got rifles…" he muttered, swiftly kicking one and taking a hold of its weapon "I mean, it's top-rifles that also look like tops."

"Topposition is futile!" one of the creatures squeaked, attempting to fire its weapon, but taking a shot into its top half before it had any time to react. Stains of melted plastic splattered on the wall behind it.

"That was a shitty joke."

John didn't stop here. As the creatures were quite small, he easily took one by its upper part before violently slamming it into another. Synthetic shards scattered on the ground as they both partially shattered.

"What in hell is currently happening?" Sombra's confused voice echoed through John's mind.

"I'm saving the fucking world!" he anxiously replied, smashing yet another top to pieces.

"Alright. I'll just go with this explanation…"

Meanwhile, John determinedly entered the top-ship's interior "Actually, I've got no idea of what I'm doing."

The sound of a shooting laser rifle swiftly interrupted his determination. Gladly, it missed. And as John rushed towards its origin, swiftly kicking the top soldier to a side, he heard something bigger approaching "Fuck, what is it going to be?"

Shaking the ship's ground, from behind the corner emerged an especially huge top that looked even more synthetic than most of its compatriots "EXTOPMINATE!" it announced in a robotic voice, before opening a compartment in its top shell from which extended another top-like appendage with a red dot on its end.

The dot gradually grew redder as the thing charged an offensive blast.

With a distressed "Fuck." John rushed towards it, attempting to punch through its armor.

"Ouch!" he immediately exclaimed as the move miserably failed.

After dodging the top-droid's laser, John swiftly picked up the gun of a fallen top-soldier "Please, die. That'd be very nice of you." he suggested, rapidly taking aim and shooting at the top. The shot bounced off the thing's armor, leaving it completely unharmed.

As another trepid "Fuck." escaped him, John suddenly remembered about Sombra's existence "Oh, right! Sombra, could you please make this thing over there slightly less alive?" he pleadingly asked.

His brain still attempting and failing to process the current situation, the other only responded after a small second "Oh, yes. Right. Your Kings brain somewhat phased out into another dimension that makes slightly more sense, but I'm now gladly back." he confusedly mumbled.

"Kill it!" John simply yelled in response as the mecha-top was starting to accelerate its fire rate, making it quite complicated to dodge.

"Alright, I shall smite it in my great glory." Sombra triumphantly declared as a crystal spike arose from the floor right beneath the mechanical creature. This spike however, immediately shattered as it touched the thing's armor "Or perhaps not." Sombra much less triumphantly added at the sight.

"Pff, after all, it was a spike. Nothing surprising in the fact it was useless." John mockingly though before almost getting obliterated by a laser.

Gladly, he didn't. So, with a small yelp, he resumed his clumsy yet effective dodges, concurrently thinking about his subsequent strategy "So how the fuck am I supposed to destroy this thing? It's a top. How do you beat a top?" he stopped for a second to reconsider this statement "That's not a helpful question… Wait, actually, I just need to topple it! That should do it! I mean, there's the word top in topple, if that's not a valid argument, I don't know what is."

With a small shrug, he continued "Like, I just go up to it, climb on top and stop this top by toppling it. It may be utopistic, but I'd say that's a tip-top plan that’ll stop me from seeing my autopsy as an ectoplasm."

…

"I agree, the sheer number of top puns in this last sentence made me worthy of the death penalty."

But despite his blatant lack of any concept of comedy, John didn't get smited by the gods of this world and instead, put his plan into action,

Gladly, it worked out quite well, because, perhaps due to it being somewhat stunned by the top puns that John just pronounced, the robot stopped its attacks, allowing him to get to it quite easily. And, as the human tried climbing on its side, confusing the machine even further, the whole thing swiftly lost balance and heavily fell to the ground, completely unable to move.

"Hah! Get defeated by the power of cheesy puns!" John triumphantly exclaimed, before barely dodging an obliterating laser "Yeah, it's still alive, I better leave."

So, he did just that. Going through the ship's main corridor, John carefully looked around. Gladly, aside from another small squad of top-soldiers, the path was mostly clear. And as he arrived into the control room, he was met by the ship's top-captain.

"Stop! You won't get me alive!" the animated top desperately exclaimed; a laser rifle firmly held against its plastic side where its head would have been if it was a logically constructed creature "This ship was but a scout. The Utopian is coming. We are unstoppable! Glory to Utopia, hail the Great Destop!" it shouted its final words, before the light flash of the laser rifle accompanied with a splatter of plastic on the wall interrupted it. It dropped on the ground, never to move again.

"Was this supposed to be a dramatic suicide scene revolving about a fucking top?" John perplexedly asked a short instant later "Because this was completely stupid."

"I must agree with you on this point." Sombra added in much the same tone, still failing to make any sense of the situation.

"Anyway, we cleared this thing out! This ship's mine!" John excitedly exclaimed, eagerly glancing around the control room.

All of a sudden, a grand explosion resounded outside. Looking through the ship's window, John saw a multicolored shockwave approaching "Oh, I think I know what this is…"