A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

As a rather panicked John slowly turned around, what met his gaze was the gaping maw of an enormous Ursa Minor.

"Doesn't look that Minor to me!" John fearfully exclaimed, immediately bolting away.

"Well, I do not know who you said that to, but this, in fact, is an Ursa Minor." Sombra calmly remarked, his floating face swiftly following behind with ethereal ease.

"Shut up and try saving my life instead!" John anxiously yelled "I'm sure one of your crystal spike things could do the job pretty easily."

"Well, perhaps it would have. It's really such a shame I'm still out of mana for the moment." the other sighed, his tone almost mocking.

"Wait, you realize if I just get mauled to death, you'll die too, right?" John desperately asked, struggling not to slip and fall to his death.

"Or that's what you think." the other simply responded, a content smirk appearing on his ghostly face.

Giving a quick glance to the creature behind and noticing it was rapidly getting closer with murderous intents, John accelerated "Don't wanna test that theory…"

And as the human could almost feel the enormous creature's breath on his neck, Sombra suddenly spoke again "And yet, you will!" he boisterously exclaimed "Truth is, the game was rigged from the start! Hahahaha!" The Ursa Minor's suddenly stopped in slight confusion and curiosity. The other went on "I've been planning to abandon you from the very moment I met you, pathetic mortal! Sacrifice in your King's name shall be considered your greatest honor!..."

"Yeah, yeah please continue like this…" John desperately mused, seeing the immense stellar bear perplexedly turn its ears and then it's whole head towards Sombra's monologuing form.

"… Yes! There is no escape! No intervention shall save you from your faith! Argh, these mortals and their intoxicating innocence, it will never cease amazing me!…" as the King continued his speech, what he failed to notice was the complete switch of focus that now occurred on the Ursa Minor's part.

Indeed, diverting its attention from the terrified John, it rapidly decided that this noisy floating head was way more interesting and already prepared for a grand lunge in its direction.

Meanwhile, with a relieved "Phew" John still decided that flight was the best option at the moment, running away as fast as he could and leaving Sombra talk to himself in peace.

"…And thus, I proclaim this vile body that you once called yours, my vessel for the duration of my infinite reign! LONG LIVE…" the King was finally interrupted by the sensation of the raging Ursa Minor rampaging through his ghostly form. Looking around to see John's faint silhouette on the horizon, he rapidly realized what happened.

"BE DAMNED YOU, UNTHANKFUL SLAVE!" he furiously yelled as his disembodied face reappeared next to John, startling him on his course.

"Fuck! Don't scare me like that!" the latter immediately exclaimed, stumbling out of fear and almost falling to the frozen ground "It's not my fault if you're stupid!"

"How dare you call your King stupid?" Sombra immediately quizzed in extreme indignance "I shall immediately teleport you back to your certain demise and… Except I do not have enough mana for it…" he quickly realized, ending off on a heated "Curse you, mortal!"

"Ah, why can't I just get along with people…" John sourly wondered, starting to slowly get back to his walking speed "And why is everyone I meet either dumb or a complete asshole?"

"…" …

"Wow, you actually coordinated that … with the narrator, that's pretty impressive…"

"I may despise you to an extreme extent from now on, but my royal self still cannot help but feel compelled about who this narrator you sometimes refer to is." Sombra finally asked after a second in silence.

"Oh, right you still don't know shit…" John frustratedly sighed, attempting to find a rock to kick but failing to do so "Actually, you know what? I'll tell you whatever you want as long as you promise to teleport me right on top of that mountain as soon as you get the necessary mana."

"Hmm… A tempting deal…" the other mused "I do crave for the truth as much as I seek your unaltered doom…" after several seconds in thought-filled silence, he finally gave up "I accept. The contract is sealed. You have a King's promise."

"That of the King of Malevolence…" he added to himself.

With a faint "Cool" John started mentally preparing for a logical explanation.

"Please stop with those edgy, thoughts. We all know you're a good boy!" he concurrently added, swiftly landing an affectionate pat on Sombra's ethereal head.

The latter remained stunned for a moment.

Meanwhile, John gave out a small sigh, trying to rearrange the chaos in his mind "Alright, so firstly, who am I?..." he indifferently started, taking a second to actually process the question.

"Wait, like really, who am I at this point?" he immediately wondered to himself.

And so, except a few philosophical questionings of the same kind, John continued to…

"Wait a minute, narrator. You aren't skipping that extremely important part where I just talk about things I've explained like four times already, are you? It's the essence of my character and… Nah, honestly that's probably the best thing to do…"

"Who did you say that to?"

"I'll get to that…"

After quite a long while of useless digressions and existential crises, it seemed the tale finally came to its end as John unenthusiastically concluded with a last "Yeah, so that's essentially why the Sun is a potato."

After thorough consideration of what he just heard and slight doubts of its authenticity…

"Hey, how dare you doubt what I just said! It's perfectly believable."

…Sombra finally replied with a firm "So, basically, you are an idiot."

"Couldn't really sum it up any better." John lightly sighed, bringing his gaze to the mount he was walking towards for hours now without visibly getting any closer "So, now that I'm done, can you please teleport me up there? I'm so bored of walking…"

"Of course, human. A King's promise is never untrue." As the words left Sombra's ethereal mouth, John felt himself overtaken by shadows…

"Yeah, yeah… Mist teleportation thing. You can't indefinitely explain the same shit and make it sound different and exciting each time, you know?"

…

John got teleported to the top of Mount Everhoof.

"Yeah, exactly what I meant, just go straight to the point."

With a faint "Cool" he took a quick glance around "Looks like a nice place."

"Ah, I remember now." Sombra suddenly mumbled "The icy winds of this peak had claimed the lives of many of those who dared think themselves capable of climbing its unforgiving rocks…"

"Well, seems they forgot about teleportation, eh?" John mockingly remarked, taking a quick glance down from the edge "Anyway, let's try to steal this bell."

Backing off from the cliffside, he directed his gaze towards the gaping maw of a cave that stood atop the peak, a potent magical barrier guarding its entrance.

Getting closer to the latter, he had a quick glance around. Then he punched it.

"Ouch!" he exclaimed, as absolutely nothing, but mild pain resulted from this action "Well, that didn't work."

So, he took a rock from the ground and hit it with the rock. Nothing happened.

"Fuck, this thing's tougher than I thought!" he frustratedly exclaimed throwing the rock away into the snow.

"Hey Sombra, can you help me and punch this thing or something!" he called out after yet another unsuccessful attempt at breaking the barrier, this time with an icicle. The other didn't seem to be around.

"And, where are you?" John immediately asked, scanning the surroundings. Before he could shout any further however, Sombra's face reappeared just in front of him, the Bell held in his magic "You shouldn't forget about teleportation."

After swiftly performing a facepalm, John frustratedly mumbled "Fuck, it seems I'm not really better at this than most of the show's villains."

All of a sudden, the vague sound of bells resounded through the air "Wait, why do I hear boss music?"

The Bell in Sombra magic too started to emanate with strange powers that even he could not withhold. He was forced to drop it in the thick snow as it produced a clear Ding. "What is this sorcery?" he immediately exclaimed in confusion.

"I have come to reclaim what's mine." an ancient voice echoed from nowhere and everywhere at once.

"This was unexpected."

A second later, the figure of a sinister ram appeared amidst the snow. Its glowing red eyes flickered "This Bell is mine."

"No! This artifact is property of the King!" Sombra immediately argued, attempting to take the bell with his magic once more but failing to do so.

"Huh, thought you didn't give a fuck about it."

"If such creature comes to yield it, there must truly be great power within."

"Good point."

"Hey, you're Grogar, right?" John suddenly called out "Wait, don't answer, I already know. But are you, like, the real Grogar, or just Discord in disguise?"

Grogar stopped "What did you say?" he sternly asked, turning his gaze from Sombra's ethereal figure to John who was hiding behind. His eyes seemed to pierce the human's soul.

"Ouch, don't pierce my soul!" John muttered, diverting his own eyes "Like, in the show, the real Grogar doesn't even show up. So, are you even supposed to exist?" he perplexedly explained, the explanation visibly not satisfying his interlocutor "But then, there's no logical reason for Discord to do this now so… Yeah…"

"You dare doubt my might?" Grogar ruthlessly asked as John felt his head slowly turn in the ram's direction, their gazes locked in a sinister staring contest once again.

"Hey, be careful, I'm pretty good at staring duels!" John yelped, shifting in desperate attempts to escape "Still, I've got no proof you're a thing right now so…"

With the corner of his vision, John noticed Sombra's ethereal figure suddenly disappear along with the bell. "Goodbye." he heard the King's voice within his mind.

And as Grogar finally snapped charging a blast and shouting a "YOU'LL LEARN TO RESPECT ONES GREATER THAN YOU!" a booming roar suddenly filled the air.

This time, it wasn't an animal roar though, because as soon as the ram turned his head towards its origin, they both found themselves buried under a devastating avalanche.

"Fuck…"