A Terrible Guide on Becoming an Edgy Equestrian Villain

Attempting to get out of the crashed top-ship John heard fussing and curious chirping outside.

"It seems the weaklings are gathering to observe our fall…" Sombra grimly remarked as he heard the noise.

"Could you please help me to get out of here instead of overdramatically commenting complete shit?" John skeptically suggested, immediately finding himself teleported outside.

With a quick "Thanks" he took a panoramic glance of his surroundings "Yep, that's exactly what I imagined" a second later however, he noticed something else approaching from the distant trees "Oh yes, a random encounter! Should I roll for initiative?"

Not giving any mind to the careless humming in the distance, Sombra rapidly replied with a confused "What?"

"Yeah, I'll immediately stop it with the DnD jokes…" John quickly decided with a regretful sigh.

Meanwhile, the humming stopped, a terrified silhouette appeared to be trembling behind an adjacent tree.

Sombra completely ignored it once more "You know, this does not make it any clearer to me." he simply shrugged despite his lack of shoulders.

"Anyway, that's nothing important." John sheepishly dismissed "What is important though, is the fact I probably shouldn't stay here. Don't wanna be seen." With these words, he didn't waste any more time bolting into the forest, as a rather bewildered Fluttershy cowered behind the nearest tree.

"Great." John mumbled as he ran "Discretion appears be my greatest quality once again."

All of a sudden however, an idea came to his mind "Wait, I think I should come back, I forgotten to do something." he pensively exclaimed, stopping, rapidly changing direction and bolting off towards where he came from.

"What are you doing now? Could you at least settle of whether you are a complete coward or slightly less of one?" Sombra confusedly asked, as he observed John's strange maneuver.

"No, I clearly am a coward" the other calmly reassured "It's just that I need to clarify something."

As he was getting closer to the clearing, Sombra's floating head had the thoughtfulness of disappearing "You really should consider dying pretty soon, because currently, your head is by far the strangest place I've ever been." his pensive voice resounded within John's head "I would have loved to be conquering kingdoms instead of indecisively running through forests right now."

John wanted to argue something, but was sadly interrupted by a tangled root that made him stumble.

"And this is why you should at least be concentrated on the running while doing so…" Sombra cynically remarked as he fell.

The one John accidentally fell onto wasn't as happy about it though. As, with a tiny panicked yelp, utter terror on her face, Fluttershy barely dodged John's falling embrace.

"Oh, and in addition, all this unnecessary disregard for a delicate mare. Argh, such unworthiness…"

"That's an interesting comment coming from someone whose whole empire was based on slavery…" John dismissively retorted, hearing a displeased grunt in place of a response "And, by the way, narrator? Could you please stop it with all these attempts to ship me with every single living creature of this world?" he hopefully added after a second, visibly talking to the air.

Another second later, Sombra gave out a pensive grunt "I may not get what the word ship means, I somewhat feel like, whoever this mysterious narrator you are talking to is, did not ship you with me yet. Does this mean I am for some reason unworthy?" he concernedly asked with great seriousness.

Pure unease splattered all over John's face, he simply gave out a small nervous sigh, responding with a short but heavily insistent "No."

Blankly staring at the air for a second, John decided that returning his gaze to the panicked Fluttershy that already started timidly fleeing the further away from him possible was the best thing to do.

"Hey, don't run away!" he indignantly called out, gaining eye contact with the cowering mare "That's my job!"

The other stopped as if petrified. "Perfect. So, before I awkwardly flee again, could you please tell me when are you planning on having a tea with Discord in his realm?" he preoccupiedly asked.

"W-Well… I-I d-don't know." the pony timidly stuttered "I didn't plan anything. Is he…"

"Today! You do it today! Like, go see him immediately!" John harshly cut her off "OK, now that's this is settled, I need to go creepily stalk you, bye!" with these words, ending them on a determined nod, John even more determinedly bolted into the forest.

"Mission complete!" he joyfully exclaimed, as the cheerful clearing disappeared behind the dark veil of the woods "And I should stop now or I'll get lost in the forest again…" he anxiously added a second later.

"And what exactly was the point of terrifying that pony like this?" Sombra skeptically asked within his head "Don't get me wrong, I'm a great fan of such actions, but it still seemed quite unnecessary at the moment."

"It's all part of my great plan." John explained "And now, while I'm walking in the middle of the forest without any clue of where I actually am, is probably the perfect moment for me to tell it to you."

"Aren't you supposed to tell it to the heroes?" Sombra unsurely asked, his ghostly head appearing from the forest's darkness once again.

"Well, yeah, but… I'm really not sure I'll have the occasion to, so… I think you're good enough…" John hesitantly admitted with a sheepish smile.

"Alright, your King is listening then." the other agreed with a small sigh.

"Never have I even heard of someone as incompetent in evil deeds as this creature…"

John decided to ignore that last remark "So," he enthusiastically started instead "You see, this Accord we defeated when he tried getting into my head, he actually was Discord."

Met with an even more skeptic frown from Sombra he quickly dismissed it "Argh, it's complicated, I don't wanna explain. The point is, the transformation he went through made his link with the Chaos Realm along with his powers weaker, at least for a short time." John continued, finishing the sentence on a radiant smile.

"And now, if I simply get into the Chaos Realm and stay there long enough while he stays in this world, I should become linked with the realm myself and thus, become Lord of Chaos!" he enthusiastically concluded, passionately waving his hands.

Sombra didn't seem that convinced though "And what exactly allows you to claim all this?" he skeptically quizzed as the human finished.

"Well, I've read the comics." John simply replied, not giving this justification a second though.

"The what?"

The question made him reconsider his statement "Uhm, I mean, the mystical tomes expounding the inner workings of the Chaos Realm and its linking with Chaos Magic." he quickly corrected himself, hesitantly emphasizing every word of his made-up explanation.

"Well in this case, it seems like an excellent plan." Sombra enthusiastically agreed, only adding a proud "Though becoming a Lord only seems like a demotion from being a King."

"Yeah, but… That's probably the least of problems we currently have…" John simply dismissed "Like, for once, I still need to get somewhere near Fluttershy's cottage right now. I really wouldn't want to miss the opportunity."

"Then, you should probably go that way." Sombra neutrally suggested nodding towards a small path in the woods.

"That seems like an alright idea." John agreed, heading there.

It wasn't…

"Wait, w-what do you mean?"

…as, at the very second he turned his head into the paths' direction, a ferocious Cockatrice emerged from the woods, its petrifying gaze as vivacious as it was deadly.

John didn't have the time to react "Oh no, oh fuck! I'm turning into stone!" he panickily exclaimed, attempting to divert his gaze, but it was already too late.

"That's just unfair… Argh…" and as the last inch of John's head became as stiff as a rock, the transformation being accompanied with a cynical "This isn't the kind of death I was hoping for…" from Sombra, nothing more than a scared statue stood on the path through the Everfree woods.

"Ugh, I can't even move now, why couldn't he have died normally like everypony does? This is all extremely unfortunate…"

"Oh, god, what happened? My head feels like shit, what is this?" John mumbled as he slowly opened his eyes "What? Did I faint, I don't remember that… And I didn't even dream…" as small glance of his surroundings refreshed his memory.

"What? No! Where the fuck even am I?" he confusedly exclaimed, wildly stirring in the midst of a cozy small cottage.

All of a sudden, a soft voice interrupted his ramblings "Poor critter, you looked so scared. Come on now, everything is alright, he won't hurt you."

Immediately jerking his head towards the sound, John saw Fluttershy affectionately petting the very creature that almost killed him what seemed like seconds ago.

A faint "Excuse me?" was the only reaction he could master.

The other turned her heard towards him "Oh, you're finally awake. Whatever you are, please, don't go out in the woods like that, you're scaring all the little ones." she calmly advised, John's wild gaze meeting hers.

Trying and failing to process the information, John blankly stared at the air "Yes, she saved you and I somewhat helped." Sombra's voice enounced in his head.

Cutting his own entangled thoughts off with a faint "OK" John decided to get back to the important questions "So, is the tea with Discord scheduled?" he briskly asked, returning his gaze to Fluttershy.

The other mostly responded with a disapproving frown. Someone else did seem quite enthusiastic about the possibility however.

His head appearing out of a small portal in the air, the Draconequus himself cheerfully exclaimed "Tea with me? Who came up with this great idea?"

"A portal. It's my chance."

Before Discord got any kind of response, John discourteously grabbed him by the neck, pulling his strangely light, serpentine body outside of the portal before he had any time to react.

And at the very second the path became free, he immediately proceeded to jump into the portal himself, disappearing in the realm of chaos as the thing slowly twiddled, before phasing out of existence.

The two others he left behind remained quite shocked "Let's be honest, I didn't expect this kind of welcome." Discord dryly remarked, rubbing the back of his head with a paw.